Help with a difficult graduation question
May 19, 2006 3:23 PM Subscribe
fundamentalists; My nephew is graduating from High School this month. He has been given a scholarship to an extremely fundamental christian college, similar to a Liberty or Bob Jones.....I have been invited to;
his graduation and a luncheon scheduled for the next day....(which my sister is putting together, but not his mother.) He is the son of my brother, who has had an incredibly difficult life and did not even graduate high school himself. So, he is very proud his son is going off to college, especially on a scholarship. My brother is not very wise to the ways of the world and does not understand what schools like Liberty and Bob Jones represent. I have sent my nephew a good amount of money for graduation but I don't feel like I can go to the graduation or the luncheon, mainly because 1) I am gay and out and don't make a secret of it, (I don't flaunt it but when asked about the ring on my finger I reference my partner, Doug) and 2) I am at complete odds with the university he will be attending and think they do more harm than good.....Do you see my dilema? Do I go to the graduation and luncheon or just skip it without comment?
his graduation and a luncheon scheduled for the next day....(which my sister is putting together, but not his mother.) He is the son of my brother, who has had an incredibly difficult life and did not even graduate high school himself. So, he is very proud his son is going off to college, especially on a scholarship. My brother is not very wise to the ways of the world and does not understand what schools like Liberty and Bob Jones represent. I have sent my nephew a good amount of money for graduation but I don't feel like I can go to the graduation or the luncheon, mainly because 1) I am gay and out and don't make a secret of it, (I don't flaunt it but when asked about the ring on my finger I reference my partner, Doug) and 2) I am at complete odds with the university he will be attending and think they do more harm than good.....Do you see my dilema? Do I go to the graduation and luncheon or just skip it without comment?
What does a highschool graduation/luncheon have to do with the college he'll be going to next year? Why does it matter? Just keep your thoughts about the university private, be a little more discrete about being gay (don't wear your ring, maybe?), and play along.
This isn't about you, its about him.
posted by devilsbrigade at 3:28 PM on May 19, 2006
This isn't about you, its about him.
posted by devilsbrigade at 3:28 PM on May 19, 2006
You'll do more good as a counter example, then as a protestor.
posted by voidcontext at 3:30 PM on May 19, 2006
posted by voidcontext at 3:30 PM on May 19, 2006
I see graduation as celebrating the accomplishments so far, not what is coming up, so I really don't see a dilemma here.
I think you should go.
posted by visual mechanic at 3:31 PM on May 19, 2006
I think you should go.
posted by visual mechanic at 3:31 PM on May 19, 2006
Feel free to e-mail me; I must admit, I'm curious as to where your nephew is going to go to school.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:32 PM on May 19, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:32 PM on May 19, 2006 [1 favorite]
Go. Although some fundamentalist Christians deserve the bad rap that they get, many others are accepting or at least open to learning about those different from them. On campus here I've had the pleasure of planning an HIV testing event in conjunction with College Hill for Christ, our evangelical association that is widely reviled. Not only did we get a fantastic event done largely due to their help, but we put out an example to everyone that CHC and the Queer Alliance could work together, and we heard back from a lot of people who were pleased.
The same thing applies here: if you stay segregated from part of your family because of their religious leanings, you're depriving them an important opportunity to see that you're a fundamentally good, "normal" person. You're also depriving yourself of an opportunity to learn about their faith. If you don't go for this reason, they may then equate homosexuality with hostility to religion. I guess, long story short: the only way we're going to make inroads with our greatest enemies is through talking to them, conversationally, just like anyone else.
Our of curiosity, what's the college?
posted by awesomebrad at 3:32 PM on May 19, 2006
The same thing applies here: if you stay segregated from part of your family because of their religious leanings, you're depriving them an important opportunity to see that you're a fundamentally good, "normal" person. You're also depriving yourself of an opportunity to learn about their faith. If you don't go for this reason, they may then equate homosexuality with hostility to religion. I guess, long story short: the only way we're going to make inroads with our greatest enemies is through talking to them, conversationally, just like anyone else.
Our of curiosity, what's the college?
posted by awesomebrad at 3:32 PM on May 19, 2006
I don't really think your choice will have any long term consiquences, certanly none that are easy to predict by people who don't even know you.
Anyway, if I were you I would go. *shrug*
posted by delmoi at 3:34 PM on May 19, 2006
Anyway, if I were you I would go. *shrug*
posted by delmoi at 3:34 PM on May 19, 2006
Do you see my dilemma?
No, I don't. You're going to a graduation and luncheon to celebrate your nephew's accomplishments and achievements, not a fundraiser lunch for the college that offered him a scholarship. Go and be proud of what your nephew and his family have accomplished.
And if he goes to the college, so what? Play a strong influence in his life. Live by example and show him that the non-educational things they teach aren't necessarily true, and encourage him to get his close-to-free education and not to believe the rest of the crap he hears.
And by the way--good for your nephew. You might not like the college that is offering him the scholarship, but the fact that they did says quite a bit about how well he did in high school.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 3:34 PM on May 19, 2006
No, I don't. You're going to a graduation and luncheon to celebrate your nephew's accomplishments and achievements, not a fundraiser lunch for the college that offered him a scholarship. Go and be proud of what your nephew and his family have accomplished.
And if he goes to the college, so what? Play a strong influence in his life. Live by example and show him that the non-educational things they teach aren't necessarily true, and encourage him to get his close-to-free education and not to believe the rest of the crap he hears.
And by the way--good for your nephew. You might not like the college that is offering him the scholarship, but the fact that they did says quite a bit about how well he did in high school.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 3:34 PM on May 19, 2006
Response by poster: wow...quick responses...the high school he attends is also a fundamental private christian school...which really makes no difference, and i agree it is about him not me.... the college is Trinity Christian in Jacksonville, Florida...
posted by jamie939 at 3:37 PM on May 19, 2006
posted by jamie939 at 3:37 PM on May 19, 2006
You'll do more good as a counter example, then as a protestor.
posted by voidcontext
Just want to ditto that.
posted by CunningLinguist at 3:38 PM on May 19, 2006
posted by voidcontext
Just want to ditto that.
posted by CunningLinguist at 3:38 PM on May 19, 2006
Show them the tolerance they wouldn't show you.
posted by blue_beetle at 3:39 PM on May 19, 2006
posted by blue_beetle at 3:39 PM on May 19, 2006
be a little more discrete about being gay
uhh, no.
Does your nephew understand the implications of his college choice moreso than his father? I mean: is the choice of school driven by economics -- i.e. the best way to escape his situation -- rather than driven by ideological support of his chosen institution?
If he himself is ultra-conservative, I think being a counter-example is preferable to protesting. If he is trying to make something of himself as best he can, you should be there to support him in that as well.
posted by misterbrandt at 3:45 PM on May 19, 2006
uhh, no.
Does your nephew understand the implications of his college choice moreso than his father? I mean: is the choice of school driven by economics -- i.e. the best way to escape his situation -- rather than driven by ideological support of his chosen institution?
If he himself is ultra-conservative, I think being a counter-example is preferable to protesting. If he is trying to make something of himself as best he can, you should be there to support him in that as well.
posted by misterbrandt at 3:45 PM on May 19, 2006
be a little more discrete about being gay (don't wear your ring, maybe?)
what? he can be a loving, supportive uncle and still be himself as is.
posted by gt2 at 3:47 PM on May 19, 2006
what? he can be a loving, supportive uncle and still be himself as is.
posted by gt2 at 3:47 PM on May 19, 2006
Go. And what awesomebrad said. And go. Going doesn't indicate agreement with the religious aspects. If they pray, no need to go along with it, just be silent until they're done.
posted by desuetude at 3:48 PM on May 19, 2006
posted by desuetude at 3:48 PM on May 19, 2006
Go. It doesn't sound like the family is hostile to you, and staying connected with your nephew is a good way to provide some counterbalance to the fundy BS he's probably going to be exposed to for the next few years. He'll need you more than ever!
P.S. A bit off-topic, but maybe you could talk to him about transferring to a different college after his freshman year? If he gets good grades in his first year maybe he could get some financial aid at a state school? Anyway, you could be his lifeline to sanity, so don't give up on the kid.
posted by Quietgal at 3:49 PM on May 19, 2006
P.S. A bit off-topic, but maybe you could talk to him about transferring to a different college after his freshman year? If he gets good grades in his first year maybe he could get some financial aid at a state school? Anyway, you could be his lifeline to sanity, so don't give up on the kid.
posted by Quietgal at 3:49 PM on May 19, 2006
There are times when we suck it up and do what we do not wish to do, out of a spirit of support and kindness to others.
This is one of those times.
posted by five fresh fish at 3:50 PM on May 19, 2006
This is one of those times.
posted by five fresh fish at 3:50 PM on May 19, 2006
Are you close to your nephew, and how much does he mean to you? You didn't say how your brother, nephew, and the rest of your family are coping with that fact that you are gay.
You should face the fact that your nephew chose to apply to these specific colleges, so his 'fundamentalist' leanings have already spoken. Unless you are financially able to offer to cover his college expenses, to afford him a choice to attend other more liberal institutions, I don't think you get much say at all. At most, you can make your concern known, and stay close to your nephew, and become an active, equalizing influence.
That said, winning a scholarship is commendable, and I think you should be able to congratulate him on that, as well as graduating from HS. If this is a graduation dinner, then it is a congratulatory graduation dinner, and your issues don't apply. Sure, there will be discussion of his impending future as a college student. If that issue concerns you, then you have even more of a reason to go to that dinner-- make your presence and your influence felt.
posted by MD06 at 4:21 PM on May 19, 2006
You should face the fact that your nephew chose to apply to these specific colleges, so his 'fundamentalist' leanings have already spoken. Unless you are financially able to offer to cover his college expenses, to afford him a choice to attend other more liberal institutions, I don't think you get much say at all. At most, you can make your concern known, and stay close to your nephew, and become an active, equalizing influence.
That said, winning a scholarship is commendable, and I think you should be able to congratulate him on that, as well as graduating from HS. If this is a graduation dinner, then it is a congratulatory graduation dinner, and your issues don't apply. Sure, there will be discussion of his impending future as a college student. If that issue concerns you, then you have even more of a reason to go to that dinner-- make your presence and your influence felt.
posted by MD06 at 4:21 PM on May 19, 2006
Response by poster: I am the youngest of 6, three boys, three girls...each and everyone has denied me because of my sexual orientation,and I have put that aside time and time again and forgiven time and time again and we all eventually come around to "family is family"...is this nephew going to be that whole thing again...(your going to hell etc...) there is a history here and i am tired of being the famalies punching bag for sin....does that make sense?
posted by jamie939 at 4:28 PM on May 19, 2006
posted by jamie939 at 4:28 PM on May 19, 2006
"there is a history here and i am tired of being the famalies punching bag for sin....does that make sense?"
Go. Have a printout of this thread in your pocket. If anyone starts in on you, hand them a copy. There are several excellent responses above - highlight them.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:33 PM on May 19, 2006
Go. Have a printout of this thread in your pocket. If anyone starts in on you, hand them a copy. There are several excellent responses above - highlight them.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:33 PM on May 19, 2006
Go, but bring an Admiral Ackbar figure as a present. He'll figure it out eventually, and take appropriate action.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 4:38 PM on May 19, 2006
posted by Mr. Gunn at 4:38 PM on May 19, 2006
Go. Be yourself (i.e., wear the ring). Be polite.
Imagine the reverse-- What if you held an anniversary party for you and your partner and invited a a fundamentalist family member to whom you were otherwise close. Wouldn't you want them to come, despite their objections to your choices? What kind of behavior would you expect from them? Support, civility, and love, no matter how different they are. That's reallly what we all want from our families, right? It's a pretty nice graduation present to give your nephew. I think you'd be setting a good example.
posted by lalalana at 4:42 PM on May 19, 2006
Imagine the reverse-- What if you held an anniversary party for you and your partner and invited a a fundamentalist family member to whom you were otherwise close. Wouldn't you want them to come, despite their objections to your choices? What kind of behavior would you expect from them? Support, civility, and love, no matter how different they are. That's reallly what we all want from our families, right? It's a pretty nice graduation present to give your nephew. I think you'd be setting a good example.
posted by lalalana at 4:42 PM on May 19, 2006
Best answer: In that case, you've already been more than generous with your gift money. Family is not always a family. No reason to put yourself through that kind of pain and become retraumatized. Don't go.
posted by MD06 at 4:44 PM on May 19, 2006
posted by MD06 at 4:44 PM on May 19, 2006
Sorry... I just reread your last post.
Do you avoid all family get-togethers? Would you go to a family even if it wasn't so overtly Christian-themed? If not,
maybe you could go, say hi, tell your nephew how proud you are of him. Be super polite and friendly, then vamoose before anyone can say anything to you.
posted by lalalana at 4:45 PM on May 19, 2006
Do you avoid all family get-togethers? Would you go to a family even if it wasn't so overtly Christian-themed? If not,
maybe you could go, say hi, tell your nephew how proud you are of him. Be super polite and friendly, then vamoose before anyone can say anything to you.
posted by lalalana at 4:45 PM on May 19, 2006
"I have nothing against XXX, but I wouldn't want a member of my family to be one."
...where XXX is either "fundamentalist Christian" or "gay".
Bigotry against fundamentalist Christians is just as vile as bigotry against gays. Your enemy is intolerance; don't become intolerant yourself.
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 5:16 PM on May 19, 2006
...where XXX is either "fundamentalist Christian" or "gay".
Bigotry against fundamentalist Christians is just as vile as bigotry against gays. Your enemy is intolerance; don't become intolerant yourself.
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 5:16 PM on May 19, 2006
Ditto what others have said about being a counterbalance to the prevailing family winds. Be the bigger man person — it doesn't sound like that'll be too hard.
Are you close enough to your nephew to speak to him about this before deciding? Let him know that you want to honor him without compromising your principles and asking for abuse. (Alternately, if you don't want to make a big deal about this, put your thoughts in a letter.) If you end up not going, at least he'll understand your reasons.
posted by rob511 at 5:16 PM on May 19, 2006
Are you close enough to your nephew to speak to him about this before deciding? Let him know that you want to honor him without compromising your principles and asking for abuse. (Alternately, if you don't want to make a big deal about this, put your thoughts in a letter.) If you end up not going, at least he'll understand your reasons.
posted by rob511 at 5:16 PM on May 19, 2006
You should go. But just in case you end up needing it, take a look at How to fight the religious right (Homosexuality)
posted by cogat at 5:50 PM on May 19, 2006
posted by cogat at 5:50 PM on May 19, 2006
If they say something about you being gay, please understand from their perspective that they love you and do not want you in hell. Can you see it that way, or are they just hateful? If the latter, don't go, but if the former, why not just deal and go honor your nephew? I think you know that the college is not really the issue.
posted by konolia at 6:03 PM on May 19, 2006
When I said be discrete, I didn't mean cover it up, I meant don't give it the opportunity for it to make it be a deal. You going has nothing to do with you being gay, or them being fundimentalist christians. You're there for your nephew graduating, and you shouldn't be distracting everyone, if that's what it does (and it does sound like that).
posted by devilsbrigade at 6:18 PM on May 19, 2006
posted by devilsbrigade at 6:18 PM on May 19, 2006
be a little more discrete about being gay (don't wear your ring, maybe?)
That's nonsense.
However, you should totally go to the graduation.
posted by bshort at 6:24 PM on May 19, 2006
That's nonsense.
However, you should totally go to the graduation.
posted by bshort at 6:24 PM on May 19, 2006
Take Doug with you, if it's the kind of thing where a guest or spouse would be welcome with any other guest. Be gracious and polite, and if anyone makes a remark about your sex life, tell them that you don't think it's appropriate to talk about sex in that setting. If they dish out the nastiness, just take it -- be nice, don't argue, don't even defend yourself to them if they say anything.
If they treat you like crap, your nephew will see that, and the memory of so-called Christians treating their own family like crap will stick with him through college.
Realize that their own religion theoretically demands that they treat you with nothing but respect, and that they not cast the first stone. The minute they curse you, they just sent themselves to hell, too, and that's actually kinda funny.
posted by JekPorkins at 6:35 PM on May 19, 2006
If they treat you like crap, your nephew will see that, and the memory of so-called Christians treating their own family like crap will stick with him through college.
Realize that their own religion theoretically demands that they treat you with nothing but respect, and that they not cast the first stone. The minute they curse you, they just sent themselves to hell, too, and that's actually kinda funny.
posted by JekPorkins at 6:35 PM on May 19, 2006
Speaking from experience as an older atheistic member of a fundie family, if your nephew knows you love him and would never judge him, he will always see you as a friend. If you go to the graduation and simply say, "I'm here because I want you to know how proud I am," he will remember that.
As for his college choice, I can also say from personal experience that you have to let it go. Praise his accomplishments, be happy for him, and support him no matter what. If, and only if, he asks your opinion you can tell him.
In my case, I went my own way early on, leaving behind several younger siblings and cousins. One by one, over the past fifteen years, they have sought me out to ask for advice and friendship. Some are still fundie, others aren't. Two are gay and finally out. I really believe they came to me because I was the only family member who offered love without overt judgement.
I guess my Pearl of Wisdom would be: take the long view.
posted by shifafa at 7:01 PM on May 19, 2006
As for his college choice, I can also say from personal experience that you have to let it go. Praise his accomplishments, be happy for him, and support him no matter what. If, and only if, he asks your opinion you can tell him.
In my case, I went my own way early on, leaving behind several younger siblings and cousins. One by one, over the past fifteen years, they have sought me out to ask for advice and friendship. Some are still fundie, others aren't. Two are gay and finally out. I really believe they came to me because I was the only family member who offered love without overt judgement.
I guess my Pearl of Wisdom would be: take the long view.
posted by shifafa at 7:01 PM on May 19, 2006
Go. With Doug. Don't add to the schisms in our culture that the radical right promotes. It's a High School graduation party. Be proud that your nephew is graduating. Be pleased that he wants you there. If you want to protest, write a letter expressing your concerns about the values at Intolerance U. and your hope that he will retain his own values even in the face of fierce opposition. Teachable moment, and all.
It's not fair that being gay means you have to be tough, and risk family disapproval, and deal with this crap. But you knew that already.
posted by theora55 at 7:24 PM on May 19, 2006
It's not fair that being gay means you have to be tough, and risk family disapproval, and deal with this crap. But you knew that already.
posted by theora55 at 7:24 PM on May 19, 2006
jamie939
i would not go. my strong dislike of the organisation that the nephew has chosen to associate with would make me resentful (particularly after the support I had shown).
Certainly not up to me to decide what philosophy another person uses, but if a friend of mine became an overt sexist, he'd be no friend anymore.
posted by b33j at 7:27 PM on May 19, 2006
i would not go. my strong dislike of the organisation that the nephew has chosen to associate with would make me resentful (particularly after the support I had shown).
Certainly not up to me to decide what philosophy another person uses, but if a friend of mine became an overt sexist, he'd be no friend anymore.
posted by b33j at 7:27 PM on May 19, 2006
Go. It'll help encourage your nephew to be the guy at his college who shames people for reflexively using "fag" as an epithet.
posted by Aknaton at 8:33 PM on May 19, 2006
posted by Aknaton at 8:33 PM on May 19, 2006
Go. For all of the reasons above.
Bigotry against fundamentalist Christians is just as vile as bigotry against gays.
And no, no it isn't. The vileness of one's bigotry can vary to a great extent depending on what morality one chooses to adhere to. Try substituting Nazis or rapists into your equation and see how that works out for you.
posted by drpynchon at 9:50 PM on May 19, 2006
Bigotry against fundamentalist Christians is just as vile as bigotry against gays.
And no, no it isn't. The vileness of one's bigotry can vary to a great extent depending on what morality one chooses to adhere to. Try substituting Nazis or rapists into your equation and see how that works out for you.
posted by drpynchon at 9:50 PM on May 19, 2006
Bigotry against fundamentalist Christians is just as vile as bigotry against gays.
What the heck are you talking about, Steven? We have no evidence in the thread of any "bigotry" against fundamentalists from jaime939; in fact, we have a clear statement from him that he's gone out of his way repeatedly to reach out to the people who are refusing to treat him as an equal.
Good lord. If you can't stick to the question, stay away.
posted by mediareport at 10:35 PM on May 19, 2006
What the heck are you talking about, Steven? We have no evidence in the thread of any "bigotry" against fundamentalists from jaime939; in fact, we have a clear statement from him that he's gone out of his way repeatedly to reach out to the people who are refusing to treat him as an equal.
Good lord. If you can't stick to the question, stay away.
posted by mediareport at 10:35 PM on May 19, 2006
And jamie939, think about lalalana's question: Do you go to other family get-togethers? If so, go to this one if you feel like honoring your nephew for the graduation accomplishment your brother is so proud of. It's not hard to make an appearance at these things and then skip out after 10-20 minutes, which would serve the purpose of keeping your family ties active at an important event while not stressing you too much. Your presence at the luncheon doesn't have to be seen as an endorsement of his choice of college.
Oh, and you might also want to practice what Miss Manners calls "the wan smile." It's perfect for dealing with ignorant people who make bigoted comments.
posted by mediareport at 10:47 PM on May 19, 2006
Oh, and you might also want to practice what Miss Manners calls "the wan smile." It's perfect for dealing with ignorant people who make bigoted comments.
posted by mediareport at 10:47 PM on May 19, 2006
Would it help to provide your nephew with a letter or something that explains (in ways that aren’t recriminating or personalized) what your issues are? My partner and I did this when a very young member of our family invited us to their confirmation (a much clearer case where we were happy to refuse) and, while his parents were very upset at us, he seemed to entirely understand. I even suspect that he was happy to be treated like an autonomous adult. Perhaps providing such an explanation might help you to go along or help you to refuse to go along to the event?
posted by anglophiliated at 12:57 AM on May 20, 2006
posted by anglophiliated at 12:57 AM on May 20, 2006
Go. Maybe it will turn out great, and you will both learn something.
Or, they might treat you like crap and cause a big scene, which would show your nephew just what a bad choice he has made.
Either way, staying home is a coward's move.
posted by sophist at 3:23 AM on May 20, 2006
Or, they might treat you like crap and cause a big scene, which would show your nephew just what a bad choice he has made.
Either way, staying home is a coward's move.
posted by sophist at 3:23 AM on May 20, 2006
Go. Be yourself. Let others do the adjusting if they don't like it. This is about your nephew, not you. Perhaps it's a good thing if we send people who know gay folks into the belly of the beast. :)
posted by bim at 4:17 AM on May 20, 2006
posted by bim at 4:17 AM on May 20, 2006
Go. Be yourself.
posted by languagehat at 7:30 AM on May 20, 2006
posted by languagehat at 7:30 AM on May 20, 2006
Best answer: If it was only about having objections to the nephew's school/university, then I'd agree you should go, for the reasons others already said.
But since reading your follow up comment on their past history towards you (you should have put that in your question), then, well, seems like the real issue here is very different and much more personal, and your hesitation a lot more justified.
If they actually had the nerve to bother you like that at previous family gatherings, and you have good reasons to believe it may happen again (only you can know that, of course, but even the few hints you've given there sound rather clear), I don't really think you owe them anything, certainly not the right to submit you to more of that crap.
I don't believe it's cowardice to want to avoid that. I see it as a matter of self-respect.
On the other hand - devil's advocate side - since you've already been so patient with them in putting things aside and forgiving time and time again, maybe you could just make one last effort for the sake of your nephew?
Anyway, if you do decide not to go, don't bother explaining, just make up something about prior engagements you cannot cancel, and simply send your congratulations/gift to the nephew.
posted by funambulist at 9:07 AM on May 20, 2006
But since reading your follow up comment on their past history towards you (you should have put that in your question), then, well, seems like the real issue here is very different and much more personal, and your hesitation a lot more justified.
If they actually had the nerve to bother you like that at previous family gatherings, and you have good reasons to believe it may happen again (only you can know that, of course, but even the few hints you've given there sound rather clear), I don't really think you owe them anything, certainly not the right to submit you to more of that crap.
I don't believe it's cowardice to want to avoid that. I see it as a matter of self-respect.
On the other hand - devil's advocate side - since you've already been so patient with them in putting things aside and forgiving time and time again, maybe you could just make one last effort for the sake of your nephew?
Anyway, if you do decide not to go, don't bother explaining, just make up something about prior engagements you cannot cancel, and simply send your congratulations/gift to the nephew.
posted by funambulist at 9:07 AM on May 20, 2006
be a little more discrete about being gay (don't wear your ring, maybe?)
Shut up.
Go, be yourself, act as you normally would; innoculate him against the hate he'll be bombarded with the moment he steps on campus.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:09 AM on May 20, 2006
Shut up.
Go, be yourself, act as you normally would; innoculate him against the hate he'll be bombarded with the moment he steps on campus.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:09 AM on May 20, 2006
Response by poster: A lot of great answers...and I think I have decided not to go...I will let him know by letter that I had a previous arrangement...
Call me gun shy, but I've been through this "save jamie the sinner" thing with all siblings, parent, grandparents, close family friends. It comes down to self respect, as I marked as best answer. And I can't help but to think he will be no different.
Doug and I will have our 20th anniversary in 3 years and will most likely throw a party. I will not invite my family because I know they won't come.
I know there are a ton of good reasons for going and I have used all those good reasons for years at other large family events, holidays etc., and invaribly it always comes back to the same lack of respect for me and my relationship with Doug. I don't think they are changeable as much as I am not changeable....so I will leave them alone to their church, condemnation, and patronizing ways.
Another good comment is family is not always your family. I have another family where I live now, mostly straight people with spouses and kids who consider Doug and I family.
Thanks for all the good advice here....
posted by jamie939 at 12:44 PM on May 20, 2006
Call me gun shy, but I've been through this "save jamie the sinner" thing with all siblings, parent, grandparents, close family friends. It comes down to self respect, as I marked as best answer. And I can't help but to think he will be no different.
Doug and I will have our 20th anniversary in 3 years and will most likely throw a party. I will not invite my family because I know they won't come.
I know there are a ton of good reasons for going and I have used all those good reasons for years at other large family events, holidays etc., and invaribly it always comes back to the same lack of respect for me and my relationship with Doug. I don't think they are changeable as much as I am not changeable....so I will leave them alone to their church, condemnation, and patronizing ways.
Another good comment is family is not always your family. I have another family where I live now, mostly straight people with spouses and kids who consider Doug and I family.
Thanks for all the good advice here....
posted by jamie939 at 12:44 PM on May 20, 2006
Best answer: Doug and I will have our 20th anniversary in 3 years and will most likely throw a party. I will not invite my family because I know they won't come.
Huh. If you'd included that info in your original post, you might have gotten different - perhaps even better - answers. Still, best of luck to you and Doug. Dealing with ignorant family members is hard, but you're not alone. It's great you've created another family for yourselves.
posted by mediareport at 4:44 PM on May 20, 2006
Huh. If you'd included that info in your original post, you might have gotten different - perhaps even better - answers. Still, best of luck to you and Doug. Dealing with ignorant family members is hard, but you're not alone. It's great you've created another family for yourselves.
posted by mediareport at 4:44 PM on May 20, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
*Disclaimer: I went to a Christian college for several years; one a little socially and intellectually to the left of Liberty, but still.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:28 PM on May 19, 2006 [1 favorite]