Help me come to terms with my partner's business travel

April 9, 2024 4:56 AM

After an extended period of burnout, my boyfriend just started a new job that he loves. Turns out, what was described as "some travel to begin with" has turned into him flying overseas Mon-Fri, every week for an unknown period of time. It could be two months or it could be a year. I feel a bit blindsided by this, please help me figure out how to cope.

We're a cis-het couple, late 30s, together for four years happily childfree. Two of those years were long-distance: shortly after we started dating he took a job overseas during the pandemic. He convinced me he would move back to my country after a fixed period of time so we should try and make it work, and I'm really glad we did, even though it was really tough. For the past two years, we have been living together and it has been wonderful. It's a very emotionally healthy relationship that is worth holding onto.

When he moved back to my country, he took a WFH job that turned out to be a really bad fit. He realised he had burnout, didn't really know what he wanted next, took some time off work. This was great, he saw a career coach, did some volunteering, his mental health really improved. When this new job came up it sounded perfect and I was so happy for him.

The job is based at a site that has not yet been built, in our area. In the meantime, he is travelling to other sites to train up. I knew this before he accepted the role. What I didn't realise is that the other sites are mostly overseas, and the new site won't open until this time next year (assuming all goes to plan). Somehow I had in mind that he would need to travel for a couple of months at most. In the first week he asked how long he would be expected to travel for, and his new manager told him he had no idea, saying: "as soon as I know when my own travel stops, I'll let you know too".

I wish I had understood this before he accepted, so I could have discussed my reservations in advance. I know he didn't do it intentionally, but he wasn't super clear about the specifics, and we didn't have a proper conversation about how it would affect our relationship, how to cope with it. Otherwise, I might have asked him to insist on at least a ballpark timeframe for the travel before accepting the role.

Not knowing how long he will be travelling for is really hard for me. If it was a month or two, it would suck but I would handle it. Even if I knew for sure it would be a year, that would help me to evaluate and plan. Right now I feel stuck and very sad. He is super apologetic about not explaining everything clearly. I know he values the relationship more than the job and would quit if I asked him to, but I really don't want to do that. He is thriving in this role. I worry he'd never find an opportunity like this again, eat through his savings and become embittered. And why would I ask him to quit if it's only going to be two or three months?

Does anyone have any advice on coming to terms with a big life change of unknown duration? Any tips on coping with the distance would also be great. I figured out how to handle it when I didn't see him for weeks or months at a time--it was a bit like being single, still. But this constant coming and going is a lot more angsty and I'm hating the continual Sunday blues.

posted by guessthis to Human Relations (16 answers total)

Even if I knew for sure it would be a year, that would help me to evaluate and plan

Any chance you two could set your own end date, and if the site is not on track to be ready by that date or the company doesn't seem interested in having him stay put by then, he'll agree to find a different job?

The job is based at a site that has not yet been built

Realistically, how long is the building likely to take?
posted by trig at 5:22 AM on April 9

Is quitting the only option? Would it be possible for him to negotiate something like a train-from-home situation one out of every four or six weeks, so at least you guys have 8-9 days together at regular intervals? Or can he plan for a month in the summer to be at home base?

When I was in a similar situation (our daughter had died 4 weeks earlier, and my husband was not exactly great about communicating with me about the length of his commitment) here's how we got through it. I can't really give you advice 'cause it's so specific, but maybe there's something you can take away here:

- it was really hard to balance 'life stuff' with 'date stuff' because on the one hand, we wanted to spend those weekends having fun together (plus he was tired), but on the other hand, my getting stuck with all the chores was not great either. We eventually found a weekend rhythm, but it took some time. (It's fuzzy but it was sort of - eat together late on Friday, curl up in bed, Saturday was roll around in bed and go get fresh pastry and share the paper (I am old), Saturday afternoon was fun time, then Saturday night was talk talk talk and more sexy fun. Sunday was cuddles and then Life Work - chores and finances and all the stuff, especially since we were dragging to his travel time which for him was leaving Sunday evening. If we'd had a night it would have been low-key.

- we had regular phone calls - this was really pre-Skype days and that would be FaceTime now. We did watch movies 'together' old school (cue up the mutually rented/purchased movie and press go) on Wednesdays and that helped a lot.

- I personally got pretty busy - in my case I painted our house and fence and that kind of thing, took guitar lessons, reconnected with friends, saw every art show, etc. Although it was really hard, in a way I grew a lot as an adult during that time.

That said, ultimately it was not great for our relationship (that it was at an incredibly bad and grief-filled time in our lives was a big factor.) I ended up negotiating a partly-remote work deal and because he was largely travelling to one city I moved with him 3/4 weeks a month, which doesn't seem possible in your situation.

But what I learned from that is to really really examine all the options to see what works.

My husband's career took off during that time and he's the expert in his area that he is now because of that experience, so it's been an almost 20-year benefit. At the time it did not feel that way at all.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:02 AM on April 9

- it was really hard to balance 'life stuff' with 'date stuff' because on the one hand, we wanted to spend those weekends having fun together (plus he was tired), but on the other hand, my getting stuck with all the chores was not great either.

My work requires intermittent extended travel. Sometimes that is scheduled months ahead and sometimes it is last minute. We've definitely had to learn how to negotiate for the weekend when I'm back. After a long week or more of travel, I'm tired and really want nothing more than a homemade meal (you get so, so tired of hotel and restaurant food), a shower, and my own bed. But my partner has been home the whole time dealing with house stuff on her own and really wants a chance to go out and connect. My pulling together the energy to take her out to dinner or drinks on that first night I'm back does so much for her happiness and it is totally worth it.

My point is just that while travel sucks and uncertain travel sucks most of all, it is possible to find ways to connect and nurture your relationship despite the travel. My coworkers all have different patterns on this, but it generally includes scheduling time to have a check-in call every day at a predictable time and so on, and we all work around each other's commitments on this when traveling.

Is quitting the only option? Would it be possible for him to negotiate something like a train-from-home situation one out of every four or six weeks, so at least you guys have 8-9 days together at regular intervals? Or can he plan for a month in the summer to be at home base?

I agree with this suggestion. He should try to negotiate for some non-travel weeks, even if there isn't a way to get any kind of concrete end-date. Their flexibility on this will tell you a lot about how it is going to be during his time working there.

And alternatively, are any of his trips to places you would want to go? Is accompanying him now and then possible, where you stay at his hotel and do your own thing during the days (and possibly evenings too, if his job has an expectation of work dinners with coworkers or clients), but at least sleeping in the same bed?
posted by Dip Flash at 6:19 AM on April 9

Is there anything you've been putting off doing, that having free weekday evenings for several months would free you up to do? A class, a hobby, a sport, I think if I were in your shoes I'd find something like that to distract myself 2-3x/week, and create a new routine so that the weekday nights alone don't feel so lonely.

That plus some long distance routines between you both as possible, whether that's recording voice messages about your day that you can share/listen to (assuming the time zones are not compatible), or video calls at a set time, some way to feel connected throughout the week and again some sort of routine so that you can adjust a bit better.
posted by lafemma at 6:30 AM on April 9

I don't know how far "overseas" is in this context, but even the 1 hour of difference between most of the EU and the UK can mess you up, never mind longer flights and/or more time difference. All week every week is a schedule that can seriously mess with his health, so he can use that as leverage to get more home time. Remote work exists.

I'm also very dobtful about a one year construction timeline for any site where the construction isn't already ongoing. If it is, there should be deadlines and schedules, even with caveats that the unexpected can happen.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 6:36 AM on April 9

I have a *maybe* similar situation in some respects, but can you explain what portions of this bother you the most? Ie what about the back-and-forth feels worse than him just being gone?
posted by corb at 6:43 AM on April 9

Thanks a lot for the answers so far. To clarify, I work remotely and could join him for up to 4 weeks within a year per my company policy. I will definitely do that, I'm just not sure how I should spread the trips out since I don't know how long he will be away. @trig, he has been told the site is planned to open by the end of Q1 2025. Presumably he will stop travelling a while before it opens, but again, I have no idea when. His work is entirely site-based, it's impossible to do from home or in a location that doesn't have the right equipment installed.

@corb, the hardest thing is dealing with the uncertainty, not knowing how long this will go on for. I can't stop ruminating and fearing the worst, it makes it hard to focus on my work. I'd like to come up with an action plan, but I don't feel I can without a timeline.

The back-and-forth is worse because there is a sense of dread the day before he leaves, which happens much more often than when he was fully living abroad. We spend too much time in that sad, uncertain space, me hovering while he packs. Usually while living together, we spend a lot of time doing our own thing in the same room, which brings me a sense of peace, but now it feels we don't have time to do that, we're too busy re-connecting and detaching and I'm not sure how to adjust.
posted by guessthis at 6:58 AM on April 9

This seems like a situation where he could reasonably put his foot down and say “when I was hired I was told it would be a year or less before I would have a local office. Failing that I need to start working from home more often until we’re ready to go.”

He needs to make that situation clear now, as training won’t last forever and he will soon start taking on responsibilities at these other sites.

And who knows? The company may be very happy to have an informal outpost in your city. If they have an interest in building a business there, having a local representative could be a good thing. Even if he is not directly involved in building the site, there will be candidates to interview and likely some use for the expertise he is building on How Things Are Done in the company.

In any case that would establish, if not an ending point, at least an intent on his part and progress towards ending what is obviously not a tenable long-term solution. It does stretch the situation to your limit, but it will provide some progress and demonstrate the good faith of the company in helping you work something out.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:04 AM on April 9

He may be able to make it a fun trip for BOTH of you by footing your bill so you can come along, depending on how hard he needs to work over there, and have fun exploring during off-times. But are you ready to live out of a hotel room for extended periods? And are you ready to disappoint him if you don't show sufficient enthusiasm?
posted by kschang at 7:38 AM on April 9

he has been told the site is planned to open by the end of Q1 2025

Hmm, that may happen but my experience has been that construction projects generally get delayed, unfortunately. Since I'd rather be happily surprised than repeatedly frustrated I'd be assuming end of Q2, and even that might be optimistic.

I assume this is unlikely but is there any chance you could live abroad with him for some period of time, either working remotely or taking unpaid leave from your job (and maybe finding something short-term there)?

I can't stop ruminating and fearing the worst ... there is a sense of dread the day before he leaves

What is the worst? Can you put a finger on what it is that you dread?

We spend too much time in that sad, uncertain space, me hovering while he packs

What's his living situation when he's away - does he have a regular space that he gets to return to (and keep his stuff in), or is it a different place each time? Either way, since he's doing these trips every week it seems like packing should be condensable into a really quick, regular routine that you guys don't actually need to waste much weekend time on. Laundry and so forth can happen during the week.

Usually while living together, we spend a lot of time doing our own thing in the same room, which brings me a sense of peace, but now it feels we don't have time to do that, we're too busy re-connecting and detaching and I'm not sure how to adjust.

How long is his travel time and how long has he been making these trips? Are you guys trying to do lots of "big things" (going out, having deep conversations, I dunno) during his time home? What if you did next weekend in a really low-key way, just hanging out each doing your own thing in the same room? Assuming time zones work out, can you also spend more low-key time together over video or phone during the week?
posted by trig at 8:53 AM on April 9

I would've been very sad to watch my loved one preparing to leave for weeks or months too! But this is days at a stretch, not months. You can start looking forward to his return on Wednesday. Text regularly, skype/facetime when you can, and synchronize date nights -- if meal times coincide roughly, you could both order in Chinese, or pizza, or.... This sounds more like anxiety than a logistical problem to be solved. Instead of borrowing trouble, try seeing how it goes before getting upset; you may find his frequent returns compensate to a fair degree for his frequent departures.
posted by kate4914 at 12:11 PM on April 9

My partner used to travel a lot for work so I totally have been in your shoes and understand. What I would suggest as a possible starting point:

How does your partner feel about the undetermined travel? What are his preferences with travel now and in the future?

If he likes to travel for work and wants to continue and is fine with no deadline, evaluate if that would work for you in this relationship.

If he is fine for now but really would like an end date, then work together on what works for you both. Etc etc.

I used to stress about my partners travel and finally, said, this is not for for me, I can handle X but not Y. He said I also hate Y but need to do A and B. I decided that was fine for now and kept checking in with myself to make sure it did continue to work for me.
posted by inevitability at 12:44 PM on April 9

Unfortunately, you’re going to start having to trick your brain into this being the normal routine. I agree with previous comments about construction delays, and it being likely that they won’t hit end of Q1 next year. So +1 to the idea that he keeps this up for 18 months, but can quit at the end of that if there no firm date for the travel ending.

Something that sticks out in your follow up is that you hover while he’s packing. That’s a specific time/behavior that you can modify to help your own mental health!

While he’s packing each week, you should do something specific and engrossing in a different room of your home. Him packing while you’re out for an exercise class or self-care activity could also work, possibly in the future, but right now it will probably be worse for you to be out of the house and he’s preparing to leave it. So stay at home, but don’t watch him pack. Watch a “treat” TV show, work on a craft project or puzzle, do your meal planning for the week—but make it something specific and routine. Because this is (unfortunately) part of your routine now.

Also, while you’re doing your own thing while he’s packing (journaling might be a good option, too, and could help you bring light to your dark feelings around this), practice listening to your emotions and giving soothing responses to yourself. Practice acknowledging that it’s sad that he’s leaving, and it’s okay to feel sad, but that he’ll come back and this coming and going won’t last forever.
posted by itesser at 8:04 AM on April 10

Thanks everyone, all of your advice has been helpful in different ways.

I marked a few best answers that helped me come up with a bit of a plan: it would be great to get a weekend 'routine' in place now that this is my life, and I like the idea of specifically putting aside some 'treat' time for me to journal or do something I enjoy while he is packing, so I can tamp down that Sunday gloom.

At the same time, I agree it's really important that we both have an agreed end-date between the two of us, and that he enforces that when the time comes. So we'll figure that out this weekend, when he gets back next.
posted by guessthis at 1:32 AM on April 11

When I was in a long-distance relationship, regular comings and goings were more stressful for me than longer periods apart. Would it make both of your lives better if he sometimes stayed on-site for two weeks at a time? That would mean fewer transitions for you and less travel/ possibly more downtime for him.

Would it help to think of your home as just YOUR home that he is delightfully visiting on weekends? Basically a glass half full approach rather than half empty. You may even consider rearranging/ redecorating some things so it feels more "yours" than "ours."

Once he is fully trained, would it be economically possible for him to take a sabbatical? "Hey Job, I'll be all set to go once the local site opens, but until then I won't waste your money."
posted by metasarah at 7:11 AM on April 12

Sorry I took so long, but I've actually been in a relationship like this and had to work this out. The biggest and most lifechanging shift was actually to *stop packing*. I know that sounds insane, but hear me out:

It will actually appreciably improve the quality of life and of your relationship if you buy enough extra clothes and hygiene supplies, etc, to always keep the travel suitcases packed. They just stay packed. He washes the clothes while he's there, not while he's at home with you. That's important. The only thing he does when he leaves for these trips is grabs his phone and his laptop - necessary electronics you can't duplicate. There's no need to gloomily hover if this packing just isn't happening because it's already done. These suitcases are just objects that move in and out of the household. And you treat it basically like he's leaving for daily work - you don't talk about it beforehand, you drive him to the airport like you're driving him to work, kiss him goodbye, wave, and then go back home. And then are delighted to see him when he shows back up.

When he's home, you don't do big trips or events. You don't. That's important. It normalizes that you're just living life, and sure one aspect of it is a little weird, but everything else is normal and fine.

Also message me if you want support!
posted by corb at 7:24 AM on April 12