When will the love come?

March 21, 2024 5:03 AM

I'm childfree and for the first time dating a man that comes with a kid (and two pets) attached. It's coming up to 2 years now, and I (not having had kids or pets before due to disinterest) presumed that some deeper feelings towards the dependents would just kind of kick in at some point. As it is, I feel as indifferent to them as day 1. I don't let the lack of feelings show, and I take care of them (feed/medicate/bathe/play with them) when I'm over and don't mind doing so. They all adore me and I feel bad that I don't return their adoration. Do feelings come at some point? What can I do to get feelings happening?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total)

I dunno, if you feed/medicate/bathe/play with them and they adore you, then you must feel some degree of affection for them, even if that's subconscious. People who dislike or are totally indifferent to a kid don't generally do those sorts of things for them; even parents who purport to love their children sometimes don't do those things. Kids don't adore people without reason, especially after being around them for two years. Other people's children are often very difficult to like; if you're not thinking "ugh I wish this kid was gone so I could spend more time with partner" then you're way ahead of the game compared to many other people that date parents.
posted by jordemort at 5:14 AM on March 21 [21 favorites]

I am also childless/petless, and reflecting a bit on my level of fondness/engagement with other people's dependents. Some reasons I can think of to feel fond...
- They are cute; many (but not all) people are wired to have a positive response to cuteness, though if you don't have this it might not be helpful
- You get to watch them change and grow (if you've been in these kids' lives for 2 years, have you invested at all in how they've changed/developed as people? If not, is it something you could get curious about?)
- You get to help them change and grow (coaching and encouraging them to face challenges and fears, etc. can make you feel like you've had a positive impact on someone's life)
- It can be a positive experience when they like you (you mention the kids adore you -- is that rewarding at all? Do you get a sense of wellbeing from having that positive feedback that you're treating them well?)
posted by space snail at 5:31 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

As a parent, I don't want to say that what follows are why I love my children, because it goes deeper than any of this, but one early connection or source of enjoyment in being connected is initially very ...hormonal? Like baby smell. Another was positive feedback from exchanging joy, you know how babies of a certain age smile at everyone? That's what I mean, lots of giddy smile exchanges. Cuddles were also a big factor in some of those earlier years, like how they don't just want you to read them a book, they want to crawl on your lap while you read them a book. As they get older, it's begun to be more and more about getting a kick out of their personalities and doing fun things together. If you have the chance to increase any of these sources of connection, that might help. I love my kids at a deep level so it's hard to say if any of this mattered really, but I find that I start to feel more emotions towards other children if I get a chance to experience any of this with them.
posted by slidell at 5:54 AM on March 21 [3 favorites]

YMMV but I think it's kind of okay to not have feelings for the pets, as long as you still take good care of them. And as long as your boyfriend doesn't need you to have strong feelings for them, and you don't have to go around pretending too much.

I think it matters much more with kids, because kids can start to sense how you feel about them. That said, love can take a lot of forms - it's not only about straight-up affection. You don't say how old the kid is, but are you interested in them? Their life, their thoughts, their feelings, how they experience the world? Do you feel protective of them, or worried at the thought of them being in danger?

Do you spend enough time with your boyfriend's kid to develop feelings for them? Have you ever been the only adult around? Ever been the person to hug them when they cry, or talk with them about things they're worried about, or help them with some challenge? Things like that can help make a connection more personal and less abstract.

Especially if you don't spend a lot of time with them, or are mostly there just the secondary adult in the room, this might in part be related to seeing them as your boyfriend's and not yours - as something potentially temporary, that might be taken away at some point, and not really your responsibility. Also maybe to feeling like your if own connection to them isn't as deep as his is, that must mean it's not a real connection.
posted by trig at 6:10 AM on March 21 [3 favorites]

Context needed: How old is the kid? How often are they with their dad, and how often do you see them? Are there any other children in your world that you feel affectionate towards? Do you bond with people or animals easily in general?

I have definitely experienced not bonding with other people's pets, and while ideally I would, pet-wise I feel like treating them well is enough, which it sounds like you're doing, so I'm maybe no help there. With kids I think the thing is developing a relationship with them as a person, like any other person. Personal compatibility can play into this; in a stepparent-adjacent role, so can larger family dynamics. It's also totally within the realm of normal for integration of stepparent/stepkid relationships to happen on the order of years, with age again being a big factor. It can also happen that feelings don't come, which, to be honest, would be an issue for me as a parent, but there's not enough information in your post to make any sort of guess in either direction.
posted by wormtales at 6:11 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

Since you say you bathe them, I am assuming the kid is small. I once had a woman tell me that she didn't start loving her son until he was around 6 - that she needed to see his personality start to develop independent from her before those feelings kicked in. So, everyone is a bit different, there is more of a range than most people feel comfortable admitting.
posted by coffeecat at 6:23 AM on March 21 [6 favorites]

I am someone who just plain does not love kids. I can take care of kids capably, and can spend time with them playing or talking, I can see what is cute or funny about them, but I just...don't have any feelings for them beyond a base-level fondness that I have for the kids I'm related to. And in those cases yes, the sort of chemical/hormonal stuff I think did play a role--being around them as tiny babies activated some very basic "yes they are one of the clan, protect them" kind of thing.

I felt terribly guilty about this for a long time but I feel less guilty the more it becomes apparent that I can't do anything about it. I'm still an involved auntie and send presents to my friends' kids and whatnot, but this seems to just be a part of me to my bones.

Are there other kids in your life? How have you felt about them?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:51 AM on March 21 [9 favorites]

If you have decided that this relationship is permanent for you, then you might need to shift your mentality towards regarding his pets and children as yours, too. I have taken care of many pets and children without loving them, because I didn't regard them as mine. Those that I did regard as mine, though, I always grew to love.
posted by Polychrome at 6:59 AM on March 21 [4 favorites]

Since you say you bathe them, I am assuming the kid is small.

A short clip of Sindhu Vee talking about small children being boring.

I’ve enjoyed playing with the small kids in my life, but I have never become attached to one until they started to really branch out and become their own person. Until then they’re kind of interchangeable.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:38 AM on March 21 [3 favorites]

In this situation I think kindness is more important than love, and it does sound like you are being genuinely kind to the kids and pets.
posted by indexy at 7:44 AM on March 21 [23 favorites]

You say you are "dating", which implies that you are not yet in a place where the relationship is solidly permanently committed. In that case, maybe you're not developing feelings for his kids/pets because on some level you realize they aren't yours (like they would be if you were married or otherwise permanently committed) and if the dating relationship ends it would be a bigger loss if you loved his kids & animals too. Not that committed relationships don't end, obviously, but "dating" feels less solid.

If that's the case, maybe don't try to override the wisdom of your subconscious protecting you. If you're going through the motions well enough that they adore you and you're not filled with resentment towards them for existing and having needs, it sounds like a pretty ok situation for the time being. And you might find the feelings begin to deepen if your relationship becomes more permanent.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:50 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

Is there a part of you that is holding back for some reason?
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:57 AM on March 21

You mention not having had kids or pets before. Would you say you've felt love towards other dependents before? If not, it might be that you love them in a way you don't recognize as love (yet).

If you feel like you're quite sure who you do and don't love, thank you very much, then this probably isn't you and you can stop reading. :smile:

If (like me) your feelings aren't always clear to you, it might help to read some books (or consume other media) about various kinds of love and ways to show them. The first books that come to my mind are The Five Love Languages (many version available) and The Four Loves. (Both authors are Christian; I'm sure there are plenty of other options.)

You could also ask your partner, since he's probably present for many of the interactions between you and the kid/pets. He may have seen the love in the way you act, even while you don't notice it in your feelings.
posted by demi-octopus at 8:17 AM on March 21 [1 favorite]

Perhaps you need to give up on the ideal of "love." I have a garden. I care for and nurture my plants. But I'm not "in love" with them. Consider the role of "protector" or "caregiver", placing the needs of the children high in your concern. This is more important, I think, than worrying over your own feelings.
posted by SPrintF at 8:31 AM on March 21 [8 favorites]

Heh, this has been on my mind a bit; my partner has two kids who I've known now for about half a year. I don't love them yet, but I think we're in a good place (like yours, mine are VERY enthusiastic about me.)

My partner and I have talked about this. I care about the kids, I look forward to sharing some things with them, I support them in their interests, I take pride in their growth and development. I don't love them yet but I think what I do feel, feels enough like love to them. They have my attention and protection, and that goes pretty far.

I contrast my feelings toward them with my feelings toward my nephews, who I miss when they're not around and whose existence causes me visceral joy and love. Somewhat it's time and somewhat it feels like biology. Plus, they're combinations of their parents, who I have adored for 40 and 15 years, respectively - some of my love for their parents extends to them by default, and some happens because they're so much like these people I love so hard already.

I think some things that have increased love-y feelings are: more time, shared interests, being *actually* responsible for them. One of my partner's sons is interested in climbing and I'm the sportier adult, so I'm doing that with him, and man, it has really changed our relationship. If you're a physical person, cuddles help, holding hands help (those both depend on age, of course.)

Do you all live together either full or part time? My partner is moving in with me (yay!) and preparing my home for them has changed my feelings - making physical room for them has made emotional room for them. I'm going to more involved with their day to day, we won't be just visiting.

So for you I wonder: do you need to love them? Would it matter to them? Does it matter to your relationship with your partner? And what do you feel for them? Playing/bathing/etc. doesn't sound like disinterest to me, it sounds involved. You pay attention to them and you're present in their lives. So maybe pinpoint your feelings for them and concentrate on that - your pride in them learning or changing, your pleasure in their antics, your sadness at their pain.

I don't know if this helps; people like us are in an ambiguous position and it's not really talked about. Please message if you'd like to talk more, I find this very interesting and would welcome someone else who's going through a similar experience!
posted by punchtothehead at 8:53 AM on March 21 [5 favorites]

I love kids and animals generally (I stop to pet dogs and say hi to cats and babies as I'm walking around town), but I don't feel strong feelings towards my good friends' cats, certainly not like my own critters. I'm glad to see the my friends' cats and play with them and heart photos of them, but I wouldn't say I feel love towards them. But I do gush at them. Some of this might be "Fake it til you make it." What happens if you start saying those feelings? Sometimes, the feelings then do follow.

I dated someone for a few years who just really isn't a pet or kid person. He sorta bonded with my animals, but I think it was more of a fondness than love.

I also wonder how much responsibility you have for bathing and medicating and feeding versus playing. It's not necessarily wrong to help out your partner with this stuff, but it sounds like you aren't living together, and that's potentially a lot of caretaking for someone who isn't living there. Do you feel any resentment about that stuff?
posted by bluedaisy at 9:26 AM on March 21 [1 favorite]

I don't really think the pet thing is complicated. If those pets are his pets, and you act responsibly toward them, it's not important to them that you have greater feelings toward them. It's really ok for those to be his pets, as least as long at this is ok with him.

With the child, this is more complicated. On the one hand, I think it's fine if the child has a relatively uncomplicated relationship with two loving parents, for you to have a third role, where you are a trusted caring adult but not a deeply loving parent. Where it gets complicated, in my opinion, is two circumstances: One is if the child's relationship with his other bio parent is difficult (parent is absent or especially difficult) and is in need of more deep parenting than you are able to provide. The other is if you plan to have a child with this man. It can be hurtful for an older child to feel that a younger sibling is loved well and fiercely by a parent figure who does not feel the same way toward the older child. So I think this is something to consider an obstacle or problem to be addressed if a bio child with this man is in your future.
posted by vunder at 10:07 AM on March 21 [3 favorites]

I am a child of divorced parents and have lived with multiple stepparents/boyfriends/girlfriends over the course of my childhood.

One thing I think is relevant is that there are wildly different expectations for women vs men in these roles. I’d say generally for men there is an expectation that as long as you are not abusive you’re doing a pretty good job whereas for women there are much higher (and murkier) expectations that include major caretaking responsibilities as well as the sort of emotional bonds you mention(see that Julia Roberts movie Stepmom as an example).

I think it is totally fine to be a stable and kind adult in a child’s life without feeling like you have to fill a full-on parental role. I really deeply bonded with a few of my parents’ significant others but most of them were just nice people who I shared a home with. Having a nice adult buddy was totally lovely and great! It sounds from your question like you really care about doing right by your family and that in itself shows you’re doing a great job.
posted by forkisbetter at 10:21 AM on March 21 [11 favorites]

Love is a verb. If you are hands-on caring for someone regularly, hugging/being hugged by them, laughing and chatting with them, letting them cry to you... all of that IS what love is. Love is not some kind of feeling inside you. It is action, it is a relationship, it is to do and to be done to. You love these kids.
posted by MiraK at 10:56 AM on March 21 [5 favorites]

I feel bad that I don't return their adoration

everything you describe, it sounds like you're a perfectly decent human being

this random internet person doesn't understand why you feel bad.. if what you identify as deeper feelings for the kid/pets don't materialize and you're still fine with the situation, is that good enough? and if it's not good enough for you, it is worth exploring I suppose. It just sounds like you're being what they need, and unless there is more to it you aren't compromising something and it's not making you miserable? please don't feel bad if you don't need to
posted by elkevelvet at 12:39 PM on March 21 [1 favorite]

For me, bedtime reading is the nicest way to spend time with a small, or even not that small child. You get to snuggle together and enjoy a cosy fictional world where nothing all that bad happens (at least when they are very young!). Sometimes you can share books from your own childhood, and it’s wonderful when they love them as well. I can’t imagine a better bonding experience.
posted by tomcooke at 1:31 PM on March 22

As a stepparent of a few years now, I would say try not to feel bad about how you feel. It can be a tough gig and beating yourself up about not having the right feelings makes it a lot harder.There can be some very complicated dynamics in stepfamilies(read Patricia Papernow’s books for someone who is not just writing a pop psychology take on it). There is no defined way this works, it will really depend on you, the kid, their parents, as to what sort of relationship is desirable and possible, and much of that is out of your control. Feel free to memail.
posted by AnnaRat at 6:52 PM on March 23