I'm Basically My Friend's Only Friend, Feels Codependent. Advice?

March 17, 2024 11:40 PM

My friend recently moved from City A to City B, and I haven't been to her new place. I steer clear of City B due mainly to crime and traffic, and have been clear with her about this before she even considered moving there. She told me last night that I'm basically her only friend at this point, and feels neglected because I haven't been able to meet up since starting my new (exhausting and busy) job. She works a few hours per week. I'm not interested in being someone's sole support system when they're capable of forming other relationships but are choosing not to. I feel this is an unhealthy dynamic, and am seeking advice in how to manage the situation.

I have a ND friend (autistic female, late 20's), and I believe I'm also ND (autistic female, mid-30's). I haven't been officially diagnosed, but all I can say is, the shoe fits! Haha. We've both struggled with social interactions, but over the past 2 years, I've done a lot of work to conquer social anxiety, and am comfortable now in social situations. We've known each other for 2 years, around the same time that I started delving into doing this inner work. She hasn't really branched out since I've known her in terms of making new friends, however she's been actively dating since we've met. This isn't a judgment, just an account of how things have been.

We both live in the SF Bay Area. I live in City A, and up until last month, she did also. She then moved to City B and currently resides there now. We spoke last summer about possibly moving in together so we could both save money, and during the conversation, I mentioned that the one city I wouldn't want to live in is City B due to prolific crime, parking, cost of living, and the traffic/hassle of getting in and out of it. City A is right across the bridge, and there's also a lot of crime here, but I think having learned which streets to stick to and where to park makes me feel more comfortable here. She ended up moving to City B because she found a room for a good price, and I'll likely be moving to another state this summer, so didn't want to commit to anything with her only to have to break it and leave her scrambling for another roommate.

My friend performed in City B recently, and I went to support her. I took BART instead of driving, both due to the potential parking hassle, as well as common car jackings. She ended up driving to a nearby bar after her show to meet with friends and invited me, but I was too tired and went home. Unfortunately, her car was stolen that night from outside the bar, and thankfully she found it (undamaged) in a tow yard two days later. This only further compounded my reasons for not even wanting to go to City B unless there's a special event or a reason other than just to visit my friend. She didn't even have anything in her car, and it was stolen. I simply don't want to risk this with my own car. I just don't like going into the city, and I was clear about this when we had the housing conversation last year.

I also recently started a new job last month that I knew I'd be exhausted from initially while I get into the swing of things. I don't have a timeline for this adjustment period. I told her this ahead of time, and was clear that I wouldn't be able to meet up for awhile because I need to focus on and pour my energy into myself right now. I did say that I'd still love to have phone calls, text often, and FaceTime whenever, it's just that physically going out and committing to plans ahead of time- especially in City B- isn't something I have the capacity for at the moment.

My friend understood at the time when I said this, but last night, she called me crying, and said I'm one of two friends that she has, and relies on me for communication. She'd called me about 3 hours prior, and I didn't answer but sent her a text saying I was going for a walk (this takes 1.5 hours), and would call her back later. I ended up going for a drink at a bar on my way home, and stayed there for about 1.5-2 hours. I called her on my walk home, and that's when she was crying, saying she thought I forgot about her and didn't call for so long because of that. This made me feel more like a partner, rather than a friend who simply felt like doing something after my walk and didn't communicate with her about it in real time. I didn't share this feeling with her, because she was in a sensitive headspace and I didn't want her to feel dismissed in feeling forgotten. I apologized for making her feel that way.

Both of us are bisexual, and she's mentioned feeling a certain type of way (attraction) around her queer female friends. She's previously expressed interest in me if I was single, and I told her at the time that maybe things would be different in that case, but now I'm committed to someone (not officially in a relationship with him yet, but very close to that point), and the thought of dating someone else is nonexistent for me. She recently asked me if I'm still interested in dating other people despite knowing that my current commitment was still on the path to something long-term. I restated my commitment to this person, and said I'm glad we're friends and intend to keep it that way. We've shared stories of going on dates with others in the past, and during the summer I deleted all dating apps and was no longer interested in meeting people that way. She's still on the apps, and shares experiences with me regarding dates that are very disappointing, in that she deserves so much more than what these people are giving her. She doesn't want to change her approach because she's afraid to meet people in real life.

During our phone call last night, she said she feels like she's always the one reaching out to ask to meet up as of recently (since I started my new job). She mentioned having me and one other woman as her friends, and that's it for her social interactions aside from her dates. She has a poor relationship with her brother, but is close with her mother although I believe there's enabling occurring between them. I asked if she's joined platforms like Meetup where she can meet other like-minded friends, online initially, who share her interests and also live in City B, but she said she doesn't want to because of social anxiety and feeling afraid to meet new people. While I understand this, I don't want to be the only person she turns to for support.

She lost her job early last year, and is not yet a U.S. citizen (has been here 8+ years and has applied), so it's been more challenging for her to find jobs. I supported her financially with meals for several months, taking her out to eat, picking her up, and driving her places when I was able to before she bought her car. I've also helped her move twice within City A since then, and the only reason I didn't help her move to City B this time was because I was working. She's always been grateful for the support, and does reciprocate by checking in when I'm going through a rough patch, but she hasn't been proactive about finding a sustainable job. She has one that's about 6 hours maximum per week, and has mentioned needing to find something more full-time, but hasn't been applying for much. I've felt used at times, but again, she's provided support in other ways when able to. I have a surgery coming up in a few weeks, and she immediately asked if she needs someone to take me and pick me up. She is supportive, but there's just something about the dynamic that feels more like a relationship than a friendship.

In a nutshell, I don't want to push her to join Meetup or tell her to make more friends. That's not my place. In the same vain, I don't want to be someone's only support system. Even with a partner, that would be exhausting and would feel codependent. I also won't commit to physically meeting up with someone if I don't have the capacity for it at the moment. The thought of committing in advance and then cancelling the day-of because I don't have the energy bothers me, and is unfair to the other person. If they take offense and don't understand even after I've explained this ahead of time, that's on them, right? I also really, really don't want to go to City B, and feel bad because I haven't been to her new place since she moved, and she wants me to visit. I don't like the riskiness of it, and I simply don't have the energy for it during the week after long workdays. On weekends, I want to enjoy my down time and just relax. Am I being unreasonable here?

My question is: How do I convey all of this to her while still maintaining the friendship? I'm not comfortable with where the dynamic is heading with me being relied on this heavily in a non-relationship situation. It would be different if this was a temporary rough patch for her, but I'm realizing it's an ongoing thing and isn't changing.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total)

Sympathies. This sounds tough.

Navigating "friendship's frequency" is hard. The comments on that post have some interesting reflections and ideas and recommendations, including setting up a regularly scheduled call (and initiating it).
posted by brainwane at 12:58 AM on March 18 [3 favorites]

This sounds very draining, and you have gone out of your way to be there for this person. Sadly, there’s no way you can guarantee that the friendship will survive you being honest.

I’ve actually been in your friend’s situation, in a way - relying on a few people way too much. I remember hearing “I am giving you as much as I can right now.” At the time I thought they were being self-centered!

Years later, I did the same thing to someone else. They didn’t say anything explicitly, but refused to engage in any energy-zapping interactions and faded away. That time, I had the emotional maturity to realize that they were simply setting boundaries. The only thing that snapped me out of it was realizing that I was the pattern, having the emotional maturity to see that, and taking responsibility for my own social life.
posted by blazingunicorn at 4:18 AM on March 18 [8 favorites]

I think you have a great sense of personal boundaries, you are clear about what you can and cannot do as well as what you want and do not want, and the only thing left for you to do is stop feeling guilty.

- Continue to say no to invitations that you want to say no to. You are very right that is much better for you to say no in advance than to commit and then cancel later.

- Nope out of guilt trips and pressure by shrugging and saying, "Sorry I can't make it," and then walking away or hanging up if necessary. Put it out of your mind once you walk away. Don't ruminate on it. Don't stew over it. Distract yourself, do a nice activity, chug cold water, etc.

- Let go of your desire to make your friend agree with you, validate you, make you feel it's okay to have your boundaries, reassure you that she's not mad at you, etc. Your anxiety about the possibility of her getting mad at you is peeking out from all four corners of this post .... It's time to stop being anxious about that. Accept that she's allowed to have behaving feeling about you, and that's not the end of the world. You don't have to do anything to solve her anger or sadness. Breathe. YOUR knowledge that you have acted honestly and kindly and in good faith is enough.

- This may be harder than the previous steps but try not to hold a grudge against her for being this way? Yes it's unpleasant that she pressures you and tries to guilt you. But you're in no danger of being cowed or steamrolled by her. You're perfectly capable of saying no to her, and you are also capable of not letting her pressure get to you. You know how to shake it off and get on with your life when she tries to make you feel bad. So..... maybe you can afford to be a little emotionally generous towards her in this particular way: don't hold it against her that she behaves this way. Try to forgive her for it, let it go. Be her friend on your own terms and let go of any resentment you feel against her for TRYING to bring more out of you.

The best way to deal with people who are lonely and clingy and demanding is to remind yourself that you aren't in any danger from them. You have your boundaries, you will respect your own boundaries, and that will keep you safe from their grasping hands. Helping yourself to feel secure in this way will create an opening for you to maintain a healthy and happy relationship with this person, without cutting them out of your life and without letting them become enmeshed with you.
posted by MiraK at 6:09 AM on March 18 [24 favorites]

Seems like you should just find specific ways you can connect and suggest those. But if she's the one always taking bart to you and you earn more, it would be nice to offer to cover the cost. I get it, you once told her you didn't like City B, but still, you two should split the cost of travel time and money, and if she's doing all the traveling then you should balance things out somehow (edit: if you really do want to see her, and if you don't, don't agree to hang out).

If necessary, you could have a "I want to be friends at This level and not That level conversation," but I find those hard to recover from -- better just to try to navigate to the situation you want.
posted by slidell at 6:09 AM on March 18 [1 favorite]

Honest non-judgemental question, were you friends before mostly because you lived in the same town? You don't owe a casual friendship the same duty of care as a romantic one, but when one party is WAY more into it than another, it's best to be more clear and direct about these things so they know where they stand.

Which of course is a very hard and fraught conversation, but there usually isn't a way to soft-shoe these things that doesn't just drag out the inevitable.
posted by Huggiesbear at 6:30 AM on March 18 [1 favorite]

You say you want to maintain the friendship and that your friend is autistic. Autistic people tend to need very clear directions/communication, and instances where you haven't provided your friend with clear communication have already resulted in friction - like, telling her that you'll call after a 1.5hr walk, but then going 3-3.5hrs without calling. Or telling her that you might be open to dating her in theory if you weren't dating someone else, even though it sounds like that was a gentle lie. I'm not blaming you here, but just noticing that it sounds like (as is often true for ND people) that your friend will interpret anything you say quite literally and then expect that to happen, and then get upset if things don't go according to plan.

So, I would be crystal clear with your friend, and I might so it over email (so the wording is clear) and then immediately call them to go over it (to make sure there has been no misinterpretation in tone). Let them know you want to remain friends, but that given the move your friendship will have to change. Then decide what you're wiling to offer - like slidell, I wondered if you couldn't offer to split the cost of her BART ticket to visit you - could you plan on a regular monthly visit? And maybe weekly calls? Again, up to you, but I'd be clear with yourself what you can offer her, and then and only then communicate this very precisely to her. If she protests, stick to your needs and just say "I'm sorry, but that's all I can offer given the various constraints." Good luck!
posted by coffeecat at 8:14 AM on March 18 [6 favorites]

I'm not sure if you should be doing anything differently. You're clearly stating boundaries and you're saying no to things you don't want to do. Sometimes she's going to be sad about that, but that's not on you.

Friendships can vary in all sorts of ways so your sense that partners and friends should automatically have different parameters is not helpful to communicate. You are not interested in a more significant role in her life; THAT is what matters.

If you are willing to make a clear commitment to specific things as standing dates, that would probably be helpful for her, but I don't get the sense that you have the energy for that right now. And you've already told her that.

You say that telling her to make more friends is not your place but I actually disagree with that. I think encouraging friends to do things that are good for them or help them be better people is something we SHOULD be doing. The next time she is upset about your unavailability, you could try something like, "I know that you're having a hard time since I can't give you the time you would like. A broader social circle will help with that. Meeting new people is hard and scary, but in the long run it has benefits, and remember in six months I will be leaving the state. Let me know if you'd like any ideas or if there are ways I can help."
posted by metasarah at 10:48 AM on March 18 [1 favorite]

Tell her the truth. Tell her everything you just told the anonymous world. If she knows how you feel, maybe she'll solve the problem without you having to do anything else. In any case, you're moving away and she has to prepare for that. "Hey, you need to find other friends. I can't always be here for you as it is, and I'm moving away."
posted by pracowity at 3:48 PM on March 18

I hear you differentiating between a romantic/intimate partner relationship and a friendship, but not everyone has the same way of viewing relationships. Some people have their strongest attachments to friends or siblings, etc. If a friend told me they could talk after their walk, I might also be worried if I didn't hear from them for three hours. There aren't really formal rules that everyone agrees to about how relationships should go, so I'm not sure it's useful to differentiate between these kinds of relationships.

However, it does sound like your friend wants more time and emotional intimacy with you than you want with her, and possibly a romantic relationship and that's the heart of the conflict. It doesn't really matter why you each want what you want. It sounds like you are trying to come up with all sorts of things that are logical to you (the crime in her new neighborhood, unspoken rules about levels of responsibility for friends vs partners, your new romantic relationship, your busy job), but these things aren't convincing her. You can't logic someone into wanting less of a connection with you.

I dated someone recently for a few months and they broke things off with me because they didn't really have capacity after all for how intense things were getting between us and decided not to date anyone for a while. They still wanted to be friends with me, and explained all that was going on in their life. I think they were hoping I could somehow see the logic and say, "Ah, yes, I see that you can't date me now, and therefore I am fully ready to be friends only with you in very healthy ways." Except I still had strong feelings for this person that I couldn't just turn off, so it hardly mattered why they didn't want to date me; it was about emotions, not logic.

Similarly, you can't just de-escalate a friendship or have someone want less than you do through logic. I also hear you blaming her for some of this: she's codependent, doesn't have a job, moved to a crime-filled part of town, hasn't put as much effort into finding a job, etc.

What happens if you take all the blame and reasons out of this and look at both of you with compassion? She would like more and you would like a little less. How do you negotiate that? You can try to do so directly. You can also do that by having very clear and stated boundaries. Don't give reasons or excuses for things you don't want to do (don't tell her you can't date her because of a current partner if you don't want to date her at all). Just say no and be a bit more direct.

And, I agree with others who are saying that is okay to tell her you'd like to encourage her to make more friends.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:56 PM on March 18 [4 favorites]

It sounds like this person is not someone you like very much, and you don't want to visit them or talk to them on the phone. You're annoyed that they moved to a town you don't like, and you're not happy with the way they interact with their mom. You've also decided that supporting them is "enabling" in some way. I mean, you won't even visit their new place because of "crime"*. I think you need to just tell them you don't want to be friends.

If I'm wrong- and I may be- I suggest you reread this post and try to figure out why it reads as if you just can't be bothered with this person. You speak of them in nice ways only in purely transactional terms, ie, what they've done/have offered to do for you. If that's not all they are to you, then you should really try reframing this relationship in a more generous way. Otherwise do them the favor of not pretending to be their friend any more. Be very kind, don't give them this list of their shortcomings. They will still be hurt, but it's better that they have the opportunity to move on.


*I live in Oakland. People have said this about my town for as long as I've lived here. Luckily my friends like me enough to come over anyway, despite what's being sensationalized in the news. In fact if they felt I was living some place unsafe and dangerous, they'd probably visit more often to make sure I was okay. If you don't care about this person in that way, that's fine! You're not obliged to take care of other people, or even visit them for an afternoon. But you should make it clear to them ASAP.
posted by oneirodynia at 10:05 PM on March 19 [2 favorites]

She lost her job early last year, and is not yet a U.S. citizen (has been here 8+ years and has applied)

This really buries the lede in terms of admitting how much privilege and power you may have compared to this particular friend.

I have a ND friend (autistic female, late 20's), and I believe I'm also ND (autistic female, mid-30's). I haven't been officially diagnosed, but all I can say is, the shoe fits! Haha.

I'm not interested in being someone's sole support system when they're capable of forming other relationships but are choosing not to.

So sometimes you feel awkward and that's pretty much the same as being diagnosed ND, therefore, everything you can do is what your friend can do, therefore ultimately she's "wrong" for being needy and whiny.

While that's obviously a non-generous characterization, I don't agree. This is coming across very similar to what it feels like when a White Friend tells me that sometimes they tan (and/or feel socially awkward in all-white groups), and therefore, as Canadian Brown Trash I should be able to do and accomplish the things their white skin enables them to accomplish with far less difficulty. 10 years ago in my late 20s I probably sounded pretty similar to your friend, i.e. desperate, lonely, just being too dumb to "figure it out", when really I was seeking any form of reliable mentorship that would help me achieve independence from a parasitic parent (i.e. like your friend, I had my own challenges) -- and like your friend, without having to contort myself even more to "fit" Euro-Settler/neurotypical standards for social norms. I've cut those folks out for ~10 years now. Sure, some bad things happened over those 10 years, like assault and homelessness under the governance of the Euro-Settler "top-of-the-caste-system" parent... and that's okay. I guess if I was born into white-caste privilege, I probably wouldn't give a sh*t about the losers under me either.

Anyhow, if you don't really want to help your friend due to real life challenges, then the kindest recommendation I can make is try grafting her onto a more reliable and better-fitting mentor before you cut ties and leave her to drown. I know in my case, I would have preferred to drown less, but hey, that's life right? Fwiw people aren't wrong because they're losers at life (only under capitalism?); they're just wrong for you and your big life and that's okay, because that's how humanity is done in the West and so you certainly aren't "wrong" by staying true to it. If you know someone who hasn't fully adulted to white-caste North American standards by age 30 (i.e. they're not keeping up with the herd), you aren't doing anything "wrong" in giving yourself permission to cut them loose and let the wolves/God sort it out (in fact, you're probably doing them a favor).

TLDR; I second the last comment -- do this person the favor of not pretending to want to be their friend anymore. That way they'll be free to focus wholly on their probably-very-real life challenges, and not waste anything on another trifling illusion of the West (e.g. time for "friends", meaningful support that gets you on a desired path in life, meritocracy, etc).
posted by human ecologist at 7:35 PM on March 20 [2 favorites]

I don't think you can initiate this conversation without her reacting negatively - and likely, given the history you've told us - over-reacting. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Friendships often ebb and flow, and it sounds like you may be outgrowing your friendship with her.

If she had been paying attention, she would have realized this might happen when she chose to move to City B. Apparently, she either didn't listen or she thought she could talk you out of it (my bet is on this one).

The way you wind down this friendship is to: 1) continue to not always be available and don't apologize about it; 2) make other friends so you have legitimate other "appointments" to go to; 3) be friendly when she calls, but remain neutral - don't allow yourself to be drawn into her drama. Make practical suggestions, and don't "bite" when she says things that could be construed to make you feel guilty. Lastly, don't call her.

The spaces in your friendship should become further and further apart, and eventually she'll move on to someone who is more willing to be codependent with her. Blessings on your journey!
posted by summerstorm at 7:13 PM on March 28