Exposure therapy when you can't be near The Thing?
February 20, 2024 11:15 AM Subscribe
My sibling is getting married in a few months. I need to be able to get on stage and make a speech, with my abuser's eyes on me. I also need to stay for the entire event. Looking for tips and therapeutic approaches to lessen the shock of being in the same space as my biggest fear.
To get this out of the way: I (late 20sF) have been in therapy for 8 years with a wonderful therapist, and it's been great to get my mental game in check. I am no longer a hostage to my trauma from a mental perspective, and generally feel good in day-to-day life. So a broad suggestion of "go to therapy" doesn't really apply here.
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Big trigger warning here for childhood abuse.
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I'm mostly struggling with the physical reactions of being in the same space as my abuser/father. I was pretty badly abused as a kid, and he on many occasions would cross the line from physical punishment into beatings, and in several cases it had almost bordered on CSA (stripping me naked to belt/spank, spanking until severely bruised, dragging me out of bed my my legs). He also constantly kept me in survival mode with daily verbal abuse as well as voyeurism of my bathroom habits and changing clothes when I was a teenager. It was uh... not nice.
I haven't had to see him since I left home for good. It took years, but I went from being unable to see my body as anything other than broken, to being very secure in how I look and express myself physically. Additionally I no longer ruminate about the things he said to me growing up, and when they cross my mind I'm very "who gives a shit" about it all. I mostly just see him as pathetic and unworthy of my mental energy.
But while the spirit is willing, the flesh is... not so much. There was an engagement party late last year, and I attended with the assumption we could at least avoid each other the whole time (prior to the event he was explicitly told to leave me alone). But after 20 minutes he approached me, and just hearing him say my name was enough to make me completely shut down. My brother tried to distract him and pull him away from the conversation, but not before he touched my arm. At that point I excused myself to go to the bathroom, but actually just got in my car and had a panic attack, vomited on the road, and went home. The entire time my brain was aware I wasn't truly in danger, but my body was just in flight mode and wouldn't calm down.
So now what do I do now? I'm in the wedding party, I'm in a role that is expected to make a speech, and I don't have anyone who could act as a plus one to kinda "shield" me.
The wedding is only months away and I'm just not sure how to even approach this. I've done all the internal work I can, but I still feel like on the day I might end up in a sobbing heap. I'm not scared of making a speech (former theatre kid), or of socializing at a large wedding. I don't want to miss out on sharing this celebration with my sibling just because He's there.
I've read The Body Keeps Score and have done some EMDR, and I very much understand what's happening in my body, but I still can't control it. It's like I'm being piloted my someone else, like I'm sleepwalking with my eyes open.
So I ask all you compassionate Mefites, does anyone have any wisdom to lend here? If you've carried physical trauma, what approaches worked for you to improve your reactivity?
Or am I just going to end up having to ask my doc for some Valium, and pray to high heavens it works? :|
To get this out of the way: I (late 20sF) have been in therapy for 8 years with a wonderful therapist, and it's been great to get my mental game in check. I am no longer a hostage to my trauma from a mental perspective, and generally feel good in day-to-day life. So a broad suggestion of "go to therapy" doesn't really apply here.
-
Big trigger warning here for childhood abuse.
-
I'm mostly struggling with the physical reactions of being in the same space as my abuser/father. I was pretty badly abused as a kid, and he on many occasions would cross the line from physical punishment into beatings, and in several cases it had almost bordered on CSA (stripping me naked to belt/spank, spanking until severely bruised, dragging me out of bed my my legs). He also constantly kept me in survival mode with daily verbal abuse as well as voyeurism of my bathroom habits and changing clothes when I was a teenager. It was uh... not nice.
I haven't had to see him since I left home for good. It took years, but I went from being unable to see my body as anything other than broken, to being very secure in how I look and express myself physically. Additionally I no longer ruminate about the things he said to me growing up, and when they cross my mind I'm very "who gives a shit" about it all. I mostly just see him as pathetic and unworthy of my mental energy.
But while the spirit is willing, the flesh is... not so much. There was an engagement party late last year, and I attended with the assumption we could at least avoid each other the whole time (prior to the event he was explicitly told to leave me alone). But after 20 minutes he approached me, and just hearing him say my name was enough to make me completely shut down. My brother tried to distract him and pull him away from the conversation, but not before he touched my arm. At that point I excused myself to go to the bathroom, but actually just got in my car and had a panic attack, vomited on the road, and went home. The entire time my brain was aware I wasn't truly in danger, but my body was just in flight mode and wouldn't calm down.
So now what do I do now? I'm in the wedding party, I'm in a role that is expected to make a speech, and I don't have anyone who could act as a plus one to kinda "shield" me.
The wedding is only months away and I'm just not sure how to even approach this. I've done all the internal work I can, but I still feel like on the day I might end up in a sobbing heap. I'm not scared of making a speech (former theatre kid), or of socializing at a large wedding. I don't want to miss out on sharing this celebration with my sibling just because He's there.
I've read The Body Keeps Score and have done some EMDR, and I very much understand what's happening in my body, but I still can't control it. It's like I'm being piloted my someone else, like I'm sleepwalking with my eyes open.
So I ask all you compassionate Mefites, does anyone have any wisdom to lend here? If you've carried physical trauma, what approaches worked for you to improve your reactivity?
Or am I just going to end up having to ask my doc for some Valium, and pray to high heavens it works? :|
Best answer: Have you talked to your sibling about this? I would not want to put my brother through something like this, and his actual wellbeing would be so much more important to me than a speech. "Being there" for your sibling doesn't have to look a certain way.
posted by lapis at 11:24 AM on February 20 [38 favorites]
posted by lapis at 11:24 AM on February 20 [38 favorites]
I agree with the others, and wonder if there is a compromise to suggest that the parent not come until after the speech is done?
If not that, then my suggestion would be to: write out your speech, practice it as much as you can so that you're on auto pilot, but bring the writing as backup, and address the speech directly to your sister. Look her in the eye and avoid looking at others.
posted by dpx.mfx at 11:30 AM on February 20 [4 favorites]
If not that, then my suggestion would be to: write out your speech, practice it as much as you can so that you're on auto pilot, but bring the writing as backup, and address the speech directly to your sister. Look her in the eye and avoid looking at others.
posted by dpx.mfx at 11:30 AM on February 20 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I understand your desire to be there for your sibling, but I don't know if that is possible. I know that families are complicated and that your sibling might still have a relationship with your abusive parent, but it's not reasonable to expect you to coexist with your abuser at a social event.
I would hope that your sibling would be able to prioritize your safety and wellbeing and not invite the abuser to any of the events, but I also understand that they may not have processed this all themselves to get to that conclusion.
Could you ask if your father could be invited to the ceremony and not the reception if the speech was at the reception? Otherwise, I might ask if you could go to the ceremony and then pre-record a speech for the reception to be played. (And maybe skip the reception to protect your own wellbeing.)
posted by mercredi at 11:32 AM on February 20 [6 favorites]
I would hope that your sibling would be able to prioritize your safety and wellbeing and not invite the abuser to any of the events, but I also understand that they may not have processed this all themselves to get to that conclusion.
Could you ask if your father could be invited to the ceremony and not the reception if the speech was at the reception? Otherwise, I might ask if you could go to the ceremony and then pre-record a speech for the reception to be played. (And maybe skip the reception to protect your own wellbeing.)
posted by mercredi at 11:32 AM on February 20 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Why is your sibling inviting him to the wedding given this awful history of abuse?! Ask you brother to disinvite him. If he's still going, I encourage you not to. Celebrate in some other way that's meaningful. Someone's got to put you first, and it should be at least...you.
posted by cocoagirl at 11:38 AM on February 20 [53 favorites]
posted by cocoagirl at 11:38 AM on February 20 [53 favorites]
Best answer: There’s no law that says weddings have to have speeches. Your sibling can accommodate your needs by omitting this ritual from the wedding program, or simply leaving your name off the speaking roster. Speeches are the worst part of the wedding anyway.
posted by shock muppet at 11:39 AM on February 20 [30 favorites]
posted by shock muppet at 11:39 AM on February 20 [30 favorites]
I think in this situation, the best defense is a good offense. I would consider mentioning your father in an implied bad light or an actual bad light in the speech, and if he came up to me, I would loudly say, "Get the fuck away from me you asshole/abuser" loudly enough for others to hear.
Use the speech to your emotional advantage. Do not make it a focal point of the speech or even make any direct accusation, but imply things in a subtle way. "I am so glad I could be here today for my sibling. They have been very supportive of me with real issues at home growing up."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:43 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]
Use the speech to your emotional advantage. Do not make it a focal point of the speech or even make any direct accusation, but imply things in a subtle way. "I am so glad I could be here today for my sibling. They have been very supportive of me with real issues at home growing up."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:43 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I totally hear you on the trigger —> automatic trauma pilot. Deeply.
Have no qualms about calling in for medical support like Xanax or whatever. Just demo it out first, don’t take it the first time on the day of.
Do you really not have a plus one? How about a BFF? I’m sure your sib will understand this.
Calming smells can be a big one here to keep in your purse. For some reason my body instantly calms when I smell patchouli.
Anything that will help the body and nervous system feel grounded. Bracelet to fidget with. Soft pocket stuffed animal to pet. Or maybe a fur stole if it matches your outfit.
Sometimes when I wear a lot of makeup it feels like a mask/shield so maybe that would help?
Can you scope out the venue before hand and do a cleansing ritual OR on a day you’re feeling particularly good, go there and touch a spot on the wall and deeply feel good. Then in the future when you’re at the wedding you can go back to the wall and touch the same spot and through the space time continuum, feel the calm and well being of your past self.
Desensitize by looking at a picture of him, for a long time if you need to, till the body processes the chemicals of the bad feelings and then you’re just feeling meh instead of triggered. Like it may take 30mins. Repeat to yourself “you have no power over me” while looking.
Similarly, visualization meditation. Picture yourself (like watching a movie of yourself, so third person) running into “dad” and watch her feel all the feels. Since you’re watching it you’re safe. If possible, absorb in the pain of her, heal it in your heart, and breathe out peace to her. If you can do this multiple days in a row it will really help. (Pm me if you want details of this visualization it’s helped me in the past).
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:48 AM on February 20 [12 favorites]
Have no qualms about calling in for medical support like Xanax or whatever. Just demo it out first, don’t take it the first time on the day of.
Do you really not have a plus one? How about a BFF? I’m sure your sib will understand this.
Calming smells can be a big one here to keep in your purse. For some reason my body instantly calms when I smell patchouli.
Anything that will help the body and nervous system feel grounded. Bracelet to fidget with. Soft pocket stuffed animal to pet. Or maybe a fur stole if it matches your outfit.
Sometimes when I wear a lot of makeup it feels like a mask/shield so maybe that would help?
Can you scope out the venue before hand and do a cleansing ritual OR on a day you’re feeling particularly good, go there and touch a spot on the wall and deeply feel good. Then in the future when you’re at the wedding you can go back to the wall and touch the same spot and through the space time continuum, feel the calm and well being of your past self.
Desensitize by looking at a picture of him, for a long time if you need to, till the body processes the chemicals of the bad feelings and then you’re just feeling meh instead of triggered. Like it may take 30mins. Repeat to yourself “you have no power over me” while looking.
Similarly, visualization meditation. Picture yourself (like watching a movie of yourself, so third person) running into “dad” and watch her feel all the feels. Since you’re watching it you’re safe. If possible, absorb in the pain of her, heal it in your heart, and breathe out peace to her. If you can do this multiple days in a row it will really help. (Pm me if you want details of this visualization it’s helped me in the past).
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:48 AM on February 20 [12 favorites]
Best answer: I'm assuming that you have already made all the decisions about what you feel okay asking your sibling to do, what you are willing to skip, and other MeFites have that angle covered.
The only thing you've said that I would revisit is the question of the plus-one. If you know that someone is at your side and on your side, it can help. The venue may be able to recommend a security service; a glance at your previous Asks suggests you're in Canada, where security guards are required to be licensed, and your province government website might be worth searching to see if there are listed training agencies or something.
The Valium approach is 100% valid, too; I would do a test run of how it makes you feel ahead of time if it's not something you have experience with. Definitely bring it, just having it available "in case" can be helpful. I would suggesting having a setup for coming "down" from the vent even if it goes perfectly — the adrenaline crash from "nothing happened, why was I so anxious" is horrible, just as the adrenaline crash of "DEFCON 10" is horrible, and I'd have that setup to emphasize your physical safety and being in your body, given what you've described (stuff that would help me would be a massage, smelling perfumes, maybe a yin yoga class, but I'm sure you know what feels good to you!).
Good luck.
posted by pollytropos at 11:51 AM on February 20 [8 favorites]
The only thing you've said that I would revisit is the question of the plus-one. If you know that someone is at your side and on your side, it can help. The venue may be able to recommend a security service; a glance at your previous Asks suggests you're in Canada, where security guards are required to be licensed, and your province government website might be worth searching to see if there are listed training agencies or something.
The Valium approach is 100% valid, too; I would do a test run of how it makes you feel ahead of time if it's not something you have experience with. Definitely bring it, just having it available "in case" can be helpful. I would suggesting having a setup for coming "down" from the vent even if it goes perfectly — the adrenaline crash from "nothing happened, why was I so anxious" is horrible, just as the adrenaline crash of "DEFCON 10" is horrible, and I'd have that setup to emphasize your physical safety and being in your body, given what you've described (stuff that would help me would be a massage, smelling perfumes, maybe a yin yoga class, but I'm sure you know what feels good to you!).
Good luck.
posted by pollytropos at 11:51 AM on February 20 [8 favorites]
The only thing you've said that I would revisit is the question of the plus-one. If you know that someone is at your side and on your side, it can help.
Seconding this. I know we often think of a significant other as the "plus one", but the best wedding I ever went to (my own brother's), a longtime friend was my plus-one and it was perfect. If you have a trusted friend, consider asking them.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:54 AM on February 20 [13 favorites]
Seconding this. I know we often think of a significant other as the "plus one", but the best wedding I ever went to (my own brother's), a longtime friend was my plus-one and it was perfect. If you have a trusted friend, consider asking them.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:54 AM on February 20 [13 favorites]
I'm just going to be very direct and say you shouldn't go. I don’t think it is safe for you to go. And I mean physically safe, not emotionally safe. There's really no reason to expect your father behave rationally and not try to assault you again even in this context; he already showed at the engagement party he would not honor publicly announced boundaries. Record a video toast, or tell sibling if they really want you there they can tell dad to record a video toast, because he isn't welcome otherwise.
posted by shadygrove at 11:55 AM on February 20 [35 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 11:55 AM on February 20 [35 favorites]
This isn't exposure therapy; it's asking you to be around a dangerous perpetrator and pretend it's ok. It's not.
posted by shadygrove at 11:55 AM on February 20 [43 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 11:55 AM on February 20 [43 favorites]
My advice is also to not go.
If you haven't had the conversation with your sibling about how the engagement party went for you, why is that? Is your sibling also not a safe person for you? If they are, why is your parent still on the guest list? This is no time for your body and well-being to be the sacrifice so that an event looks right to others - you deserve to celebrate this family milestone with people who love you and support you.
This isn't the kind of wedding gift your sibling should expect from you, that you will endure and perform for their sake.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 12:01 PM on February 20 [10 favorites]
If you haven't had the conversation with your sibling about how the engagement party went for you, why is that? Is your sibling also not a safe person for you? If they are, why is your parent still on the guest list? This is no time for your body and well-being to be the sacrifice so that an event looks right to others - you deserve to celebrate this family milestone with people who love you and support you.
This isn't the kind of wedding gift your sibling should expect from you, that you will endure and perform for their sake.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 12:01 PM on February 20 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Would your brother be willing to assist during your toast (remove your abuser from the crowd on some pretext), or is he the sibling getting married?
In your question, you're considering a Valium script but you're not sure if it will work; have you taken it before? If you're seriously contemplating an anti-anxiety medication to get through this event, please work with your health-care providers in these next few months figuring out which one is right for you.
Speaking of providers, what's your long-time therapist's view on your plan to attend?
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:23 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
In your question, you're considering a Valium script but you're not sure if it will work; have you taken it before? If you're seriously contemplating an anti-anxiety medication to get through this event, please work with your health-care providers in these next few months figuring out which one is right for you.
Speaking of providers, what's your long-time therapist's view on your plan to attend?
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:23 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Others have gotten into more substantive issues, but purely for stopping the racing heart, sweaty, high odd voice, tunnel vision, brain completely fogged with adrenaline physical symptoms: try a beta blocker 1/2 hour before.
posted by kapers at 12:23 PM on February 20 [8 favorites]
posted by kapers at 12:23 PM on February 20 [8 favorites]
I concur that it might be a beta blocker rather than a Valium type drug you’d be looking for; they’re a known performance enhancing/enabling drug for flight or fight/panic responses for performers, presenters, etc. But I also personally think you shouldn’t go, and I’m saddened your sibling(s) didn’t make the call to have your abuser stay away so you could feel safe.
posted by blue suede stockings at 12:54 PM on February 20 [8 favorites]
posted by blue suede stockings at 12:54 PM on February 20 [8 favorites]
If you feel you need someone's permission not to go: I, MeFi rando humbug, give you full and free permission not to go to this or any other event that your abusive father is attending.
I also give you full and free permission to make whatever excuses you need to. They don't have to be truthful. They don't even have to be anything beyond "I'm sorry, I can't go" repeated as often as needful.
posted by humbug at 12:56 PM on February 20 [11 favorites]
I also give you full and free permission to make whatever excuses you need to. They don't have to be truthful. They don't even have to be anything beyond "I'm sorry, I can't go" repeated as often as needful.
posted by humbug at 12:56 PM on February 20 [11 favorites]
I know you've done EMDR before but have you spoken to your therapist about prepping for this specifically? You might be able to do some systematic desensitization that's really focused on getting you ready for this exact situation, where maybe your previous therapy was focused on bigger picture stuff.
posted by mskyle at 12:59 PM on February 20
posted by mskyle at 12:59 PM on February 20
Best answer: I agree that if your sibling is unwilling to disinvite your abuser, you should at least decline making a speech. If you do decide to go, I'd demand that your sibling inform your dad that he is not to come within 20ft of you, not to speak with you, and certainly not to touch you. I'd also consider if there is some friend you can bring or a family member you can ask to serve as support. Or just don't go - weddings can be lovely and fun, but even the best weddings only last a handful of hours. Good luck making whatever choice feels right for you.
posted by coffeecat at 1:06 PM on February 20 [6 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 1:06 PM on February 20 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Oof this sounds rough and you have my sympathy. I'm guessing there's complicated context with the sibling and you deserve some praise for at least trying to make an appearance.
One suggestion is to do a walk-through of the venue or venues in advance to plan out physical space. It's totally normal for family to help plan things out and nobody at the venue needs to know the reason for your advance visit.
The good thing about a (traditional quasi-religious american) wedding ceremony is there tends to be separate spaces and a fixed choreography of the event. If there is a ready-room where the wedding party gathers, and if the father is going to walk the bride/sibling down the aisle, there's physical distance up and through the ceremony.
Honestly, I'd try and walk through the ceremony venue with an eye to finding a few physical spaces (robing rooms, choir rooms, bathrooms for clergy) mapped out where you can wait before or after the ceremony.
So you can attend the ceremony, and if things get bad, you can wish your sibling the best, and then bail. You can always hand off your speech as a letter to the married couple and then the message is for them. Maybe it will help knowing you have an out halfway through. I had a few guests at my wedding who came for the ceremony but did not go to the reception - that's totally normal.
If the wedding and reception are in the same venue it will be more complicated - but if it is in a hotel with banquet space you could book a room where you can duck out if needed. During the reception can you have someone text you when it's time to speak, and you can go right into speaking in public (again, conventions are that during a speech or toast people stay seated and don't move around or approach you) then you can duck out again.
posted by sol at 1:13 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
One suggestion is to do a walk-through of the venue or venues in advance to plan out physical space. It's totally normal for family to help plan things out and nobody at the venue needs to know the reason for your advance visit.
The good thing about a (traditional quasi-religious american) wedding ceremony is there tends to be separate spaces and a fixed choreography of the event. If there is a ready-room where the wedding party gathers, and if the father is going to walk the bride/sibling down the aisle, there's physical distance up and through the ceremony.
Honestly, I'd try and walk through the ceremony venue with an eye to finding a few physical spaces (robing rooms, choir rooms, bathrooms for clergy) mapped out where you can wait before or after the ceremony.
So you can attend the ceremony, and if things get bad, you can wish your sibling the best, and then bail. You can always hand off your speech as a letter to the married couple and then the message is for them. Maybe it will help knowing you have an out halfway through. I had a few guests at my wedding who came for the ceremony but did not go to the reception - that's totally normal.
If the wedding and reception are in the same venue it will be more complicated - but if it is in a hotel with banquet space you could book a room where you can duck out if needed. During the reception can you have someone text you when it's time to speak, and you can go right into speaking in public (again, conventions are that during a speech or toast people stay seated and don't move around or approach you) then you can duck out again.
posted by sol at 1:13 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
I'm all for talking to a doctor about xanax if you're scared of flying and your sibling is having a destination wedding. But this isn't about exposure therapy. This is a person who does not deserve to be in the same space as you ever again. I know others have said this, but (1) I don't understand why this person is invited to the wedding, and (2) I, a random internet person, absolutely grant you permission to never see or be in the same space as (or be touched by, even a pat on the arm) this abuser ever again. That means attending this wedding.
Sometimes you have to go to the DMV. You really should go to the dentist every 6 months. But you never have to go to a wedding and you don't have to give a speech.
Your body will always keep the score (though it is amazing the progress you've made with your therapist!!!). Think about what impact this would have on you a day or week or month after the wedding. What sibling's convenience is worth the pain you are talking about here?
posted by violetish at 1:13 PM on February 20 [12 favorites]
Sometimes you have to go to the DMV. You really should go to the dentist every 6 months. But you never have to go to a wedding and you don't have to give a speech.
Your body will always keep the score (though it is amazing the progress you've made with your therapist!!!). Think about what impact this would have on you a day or week or month after the wedding. What sibling's convenience is worth the pain you are talking about here?
posted by violetish at 1:13 PM on February 20 [12 favorites]
Can you hire a body guard to be with you the whole time you're there? Sounds strange but this is an extreme situation. Your abuser could come up to you again at anytime and you need to be protected; a friend is nice but a professional would be better. Maybe a security guard could do this.
posted by j810c at 1:19 PM on February 20 [12 favorites]
posted by j810c at 1:19 PM on February 20 [12 favorites]
I attended two weddings with my abuser, and it was doable ONLY because I knew that he would not approach me. We exchanged approximately two words, on my terms, and I have not seen him since.
I was able to do it because I had consistent evidence, over a period of years, that he was going to respect my boundaries and other family members had my back. (I was not delighted by my family members' choice to invite him, but they did check in with me about it beforehand, which helped.)
Trauma is our bodies trying to keep us safe in dangerous situations. Sometimes it is maladaptive, but sometimes the DANGER! signals are correct. Your abuser does not sound like a safe person to be around. If you do decide to attend, your family needs to step up to ensure you're safe (like hiring security and assigning multiple people to keep your abuser far away from you).
posted by toastedcheese at 1:27 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
I was able to do it because I had consistent evidence, over a period of years, that he was going to respect my boundaries and other family members had my back. (I was not delighted by my family members' choice to invite him, but they did check in with me about it beforehand, which helped.)
Trauma is our bodies trying to keep us safe in dangerous situations. Sometimes it is maladaptive, but sometimes the DANGER! signals are correct. Your abuser does not sound like a safe person to be around. If you do decide to attend, your family needs to step up to ensure you're safe (like hiring security and assigning multiple people to keep your abuser far away from you).
posted by toastedcheese at 1:27 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Why is your sibling putting you in this position? If you want to go and they want you to attend, they either need to ban your abuser, or make absolutely certain that there can be no contact between the two of you.
One option would be for sibling to detail a plan to make this work, assure it will be adhered to, and offer consequences to the abuser if he attempts to violate this agreement. It needs to be in writing for all parties that there will be no speech with you and abuser understands there is to be a minimum of 20' physical distance between you and him. Any physical contact will be considered an attack. Abuser needs to know that he will be removed from the premises. There needs to be a method in place that this consequence has actual teeth, so there needs to be a person to escort him out, and the police will be called if he resists.
Be aware that your sibling and fiancé may value the idea of having no 'fuss' being made at their wedding over your feelings. In that case, you know where you stand, and your decision needs to be whether or not to attend, knowing that your comfort is of little importance.
The other option would be for one of you to attend the wedding and the other to attend the reception. Again, this plan mandates that sibling guarantee that the restriction adhered to, or you can't attend, which leaves you in the position where you may need to opt out and tell them you love them, you're happy for the two of them, you want to take them to dinner to celebrate, and you can support them with a video speech, but you can't be in the same room as your abuser without protection. If your abuser gate-crashes, you need to immediately leave, and your sibling needs to be told that you will do just that.
Even with this assurance in place, you need a plus-one bodyguard to run interference for you. Is there a nice big male friend that will escort you that can take on this role? Or even an assertive mouthy female friend that won't mind interposing herself between you? Perhaps you have a friend who knows someone? Again, sibling needs to understand that this could cause conflict and disrupt the wedding if your abuser doesn't listen to the boundaries. If so, that is not YOUR fault, but the abuser's, and the consequence needs to fall on him.
You don't seem like the type of person to be willing to defend yourself or who would want to cause a fuss such as JohnnyGunn suggests. Even with precautions in place, an interrupted encroachment maybe disturbing enough to make you have to leave. If so, would that be better or worse, than not having attended at all?
One way or another, prepare a video speech. If you wind up speaking in person, it will help you to prepare. If you wind up not going, it's done and ready to go. If you get into a position of having to leave suddenly, your sibling has the speech if they want to play it.
It sounds a bit like your sibling either doesn't know or is minimizing the abuse you went through. Perhaps making a plan and carrying it out will help them to understand your position. If not, you will have to consider that they choose to be blind to your abuse. Again, seriously consider not going to the wedding if that's the case.
Be gentle with yourself.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:35 PM on February 20 [9 favorites]
One option would be for sibling to detail a plan to make this work, assure it will be adhered to, and offer consequences to the abuser if he attempts to violate this agreement. It needs to be in writing for all parties that there will be no speech with you and abuser understands there is to be a minimum of 20' physical distance between you and him. Any physical contact will be considered an attack. Abuser needs to know that he will be removed from the premises. There needs to be a method in place that this consequence has actual teeth, so there needs to be a person to escort him out, and the police will be called if he resists.
Be aware that your sibling and fiancé may value the idea of having no 'fuss' being made at their wedding over your feelings. In that case, you know where you stand, and your decision needs to be whether or not to attend, knowing that your comfort is of little importance.
The other option would be for one of you to attend the wedding and the other to attend the reception. Again, this plan mandates that sibling guarantee that the restriction adhered to, or you can't attend, which leaves you in the position where you may need to opt out and tell them you love them, you're happy for the two of them, you want to take them to dinner to celebrate, and you can support them with a video speech, but you can't be in the same room as your abuser without protection. If your abuser gate-crashes, you need to immediately leave, and your sibling needs to be told that you will do just that.
Even with this assurance in place, you need a plus-one bodyguard to run interference for you. Is there a nice big male friend that will escort you that can take on this role? Or even an assertive mouthy female friend that won't mind interposing herself between you? Perhaps you have a friend who knows someone? Again, sibling needs to understand that this could cause conflict and disrupt the wedding if your abuser doesn't listen to the boundaries. If so, that is not YOUR fault, but the abuser's, and the consequence needs to fall on him.
You don't seem like the type of person to be willing to defend yourself or who would want to cause a fuss such as JohnnyGunn suggests. Even with precautions in place, an interrupted encroachment maybe disturbing enough to make you have to leave. If so, would that be better or worse, than not having attended at all?
One way or another, prepare a video speech. If you wind up speaking in person, it will help you to prepare. If you wind up not going, it's done and ready to go. If you get into a position of having to leave suddenly, your sibling has the speech if they want to play it.
It sounds a bit like your sibling either doesn't know or is minimizing the abuse you went through. Perhaps making a plan and carrying it out will help them to understand your position. If not, you will have to consider that they choose to be blind to your abuse. Again, seriously consider not going to the wedding if that's the case.
Be gentle with yourself.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:35 PM on February 20 [9 favorites]
I am not a doctor, it sounds to me like a beta blocker could be a really good option for this situation. Here is an article from a health resource for using beta blockers in situations where you know you may have a panic attack.
Obviously what everyone else said, if you don't want to go that's one thing. But to me it sounds like you DO want to do this, and you are more afraid of your physical reaction than of your abuser?
posted by muddgirl at 2:04 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
Obviously what everyone else said, if you don't want to go that's one thing. But to me it sounds like you DO want to do this, and you are more afraid of your physical reaction than of your abuser?
posted by muddgirl at 2:04 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
I am also on team You Should Not Do This/Why the Fuck is He Invited?? But I do understand that sometimes shit coincides with more shit and we just have to make our bodies survive.
I love the suggestions above for a pro bodyguard, it sounds like that might be one way to express to your sibling the severity of their request of you as well as bring you some peace. A friend as plus one may suffice but key is that they should be of the same gender as you and always be your bathroom buddy. Your abuser has a history of approaching you while in bathrooms; you need to have access to a bathroom during a big event like a wedding; you absolutely need and deserve protection at that time.
And yeah, the classical answer here is drugs. Absolutely definitely talk to whoever in your care team can prescribe stuff for you. Beta blockers are great and really do control the physical expression of anxiety by keeping your heartbeat low and steady, and because your body doesn’t get the freak-out physical signals you don’t get the knock on effects as quickly like sweat or dry mouth or irregular breathing so you can focus and do the mind over matter thing. But crucially I’ve only taken a beta blocker in tandem with Zoloft, so I’m not sure how effective they are for someone not doing additional anti anxiety meds. Valium is also a classic for a reason; a very small dose can be miraculous for some people. There is also a class of old school antihistamines like promethazine that can kind of chill out your body’s responses to things but can also make you conk out. Any drug you take needs to be given some test run days and you should absolutely not take them first time at the event. They also should not be combined with alcohol, so make certain that is not something you will mindlessly grab at a stressful wedding where it is everywhere and encouraged to consume. On that note, try to release yourself from stigma you may feel from taking drugs to help you endure - there is a reason booze is so free flowing at weddings and it’s not because some people like the taste.
posted by Mizu at 2:24 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
I love the suggestions above for a pro bodyguard, it sounds like that might be one way to express to your sibling the severity of their request of you as well as bring you some peace. A friend as plus one may suffice but key is that they should be of the same gender as you and always be your bathroom buddy. Your abuser has a history of approaching you while in bathrooms; you need to have access to a bathroom during a big event like a wedding; you absolutely need and deserve protection at that time.
And yeah, the classical answer here is drugs. Absolutely definitely talk to whoever in your care team can prescribe stuff for you. Beta blockers are great and really do control the physical expression of anxiety by keeping your heartbeat low and steady, and because your body doesn’t get the freak-out physical signals you don’t get the knock on effects as quickly like sweat or dry mouth or irregular breathing so you can focus and do the mind over matter thing. But crucially I’ve only taken a beta blocker in tandem with Zoloft, so I’m not sure how effective they are for someone not doing additional anti anxiety meds. Valium is also a classic for a reason; a very small dose can be miraculous for some people. There is also a class of old school antihistamines like promethazine that can kind of chill out your body’s responses to things but can also make you conk out. Any drug you take needs to be given some test run days and you should absolutely not take them first time at the event. They also should not be combined with alcohol, so make certain that is not something you will mindlessly grab at a stressful wedding where it is everywhere and encouraged to consume. On that note, try to release yourself from stigma you may feel from taking drugs to help you endure - there is a reason booze is so free flowing at weddings and it’s not because some people like the taste.
posted by Mizu at 2:24 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
Agree with everyone that this is super traumatic sounding and not a realistic expectation from your brother or anyone else.
I'd also suggest that this could be re-traumatizing.
I too encourage you not to do this. There is no gold star of achievement about giving a speech in front of an abuser: it's just fucking awful. It sounds awful.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:49 PM on February 20 [5 favorites]
I'd also suggest that this could be re-traumatizing.
I too encourage you not to do this. There is no gold star of achievement about giving a speech in front of an abuser: it's just fucking awful. It sounds awful.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:49 PM on February 20 [5 favorites]
Can you hire a body guard to be with you the whole time you're there? Sounds strange but this is an extreme situation. Your abuser could come up to you again at anytime and you need to be protected; a friend is nice but a professional would be better. Maybe a security guard could do this.
If you literally cannot possibly not do this: I love this idea.
Even just some beefy ginormous guy from the gym will do, if you know someone (brother of someone maybe?) who could physically fit the bill. Psychologically, it would help.
Also if you do this, don't feel bad about any type of help scenario you choose to go with - medicine, cameo from trainer at the gym, anything. There is exactly one person who should feel bad here and it's your father.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:52 PM on February 20 [6 favorites]
If you literally cannot possibly not do this: I love this idea.
Even just some beefy ginormous guy from the gym will do, if you know someone (brother of someone maybe?) who could physically fit the bill. Psychologically, it would help.
Also if you do this, don't feel bad about any type of help scenario you choose to go with - medicine, cameo from trainer at the gym, anything. There is exactly one person who should feel bad here and it's your father.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:52 PM on February 20 [6 favorites]
No, this is not worth your anxiety nor is it worth the danger of triggering yourself. You need to rescind your RSVP and nope out of the wedding. Your sibling ought to understand and not be offended when you tell them you cannot be at the wedding due to your abuser also being there*.
Your sibling may not have the necessary skills or resources to uninvite your abuser (who may also be *their* abuser? or perhaps have social clout over your sibling which the latter doesn't know how to oppose?). With that in mind, I would encourage you to give your sibling a little bit of grace if they don't uninvite your abuser in favor of having you there, especially not when the wedding is just months away.
Excuse yourself from the wedding without making any demands or expecting any reassurance or explanation for the moment. At some later date, after the wedding and its stresses have died down, fully unburden your hurt feelings and pain to your sibling (without attacking them personally, in a spirit of sharing your pain and what is bothering you), and at that later date, your sibling ought to be able to give you the reassurance, the support, the explanations, and the love and kindness you deserve from them*.
*If this is not the case, if your sibling gets offended by your declining the wedding invitation, or if your sibling cannot offer you the comfort, reassurance, understanding, and love at a later date when you speak to them about your hurt feelings from having to exclude yourself from their wedding, then your sibling is letting you down. That is atrocious behavior. You can let them know how disappointed you are in them, and you need not speak with them until they offer a full and sincere apology.
posted by MiraK at 2:56 PM on February 20 [5 favorites]
Your sibling may not have the necessary skills or resources to uninvite your abuser (who may also be *their* abuser? or perhaps have social clout over your sibling which the latter doesn't know how to oppose?). With that in mind, I would encourage you to give your sibling a little bit of grace if they don't uninvite your abuser in favor of having you there, especially not when the wedding is just months away.
Excuse yourself from the wedding without making any demands or expecting any reassurance or explanation for the moment. At some later date, after the wedding and its stresses have died down, fully unburden your hurt feelings and pain to your sibling (without attacking them personally, in a spirit of sharing your pain and what is bothering you), and at that later date, your sibling ought to be able to give you the reassurance, the support, the explanations, and the love and kindness you deserve from them*.
*If this is not the case, if your sibling gets offended by your declining the wedding invitation, or if your sibling cannot offer you the comfort, reassurance, understanding, and love at a later date when you speak to them about your hurt feelings from having to exclude yourself from their wedding, then your sibling is letting you down. That is atrocious behavior. You can let them know how disappointed you are in them, and you need not speak with them until they offer a full and sincere apology.
posted by MiraK at 2:56 PM on February 20 [5 favorites]
Don’t go. This is a place to put your foot down and nicely say “him or me”. Maybe you could offer to go visit the newlyweds soon after in a way that’s satisfying and fun for you both? Like hang out, have a drink, bond with your new in-law, etc. If you’ve been abused like that, more make nice compromise is not what you need. Be strong. Or (fantasy land) get your sibling to have your father get up in front of the whole assembly and apologize for what he put you through. Not likely unless he’s genuinely sorry, but much more appropriate than you having to get up there ! Why shouldn’t the abuser be the one to feel uncomfortable? It’s on him, not you.
posted by caviar2d2 at 4:05 PM on February 20 [6 favorites]
posted by caviar2d2 at 4:05 PM on February 20 [6 favorites]
Personally, I’m horrified that your sibling would want your father at their wedding, but if they’re not going to protect you (by not inviting him) then you need to protect yourself. Asking you to do this is inconsiderate and inhumane, and you deserve to be treated better.
In the long run, the wedding isn’t important, the marriage is. The other thing that’s important is your mental health. Protect it.
posted by MexicanYenta at 5:49 PM on February 20 [8 favorites]
In the long run, the wedding isn’t important, the marriage is. The other thing that’s important is your mental health. Protect it.
posted by MexicanYenta at 5:49 PM on February 20 [8 favorites]
Add me to the people frankly stunned that your sibling would allow your father at their wedding AND expect you to be totally fine there as well; personally if my father had abused my sibling like that I'd have gone no-contact years ago. However. That clearly isn't the case here, and I'm making a lot of assumptions about the situation because it's making me angry on a stranger's behalf.
And apologies if this also isn't the case, but if you have decided that you definitely want to be there, are you able to put up your own literal boundaries and tell your sibling that you have certain conditions that must be met if you are expected to be there, especially as a speech-giver? The main one being (to echo others above) to allow a plus-one – a plus-one that is only there to act as your own personal bodyguard. Make that plus-one a friend of yours that has no qualms going Stone Cold Shoulder Protector towards your dad at ANY attempts of connection, one that can constantly scan the room for where he might be, and one not afraid to go Seething Fucking Bitch if he gets within five feet of you. Also one who has the car keys and will leave with you at a *literal* moment's notice.
But maybe MexicanYenta has it best...the wedding is just a day. There are other ways you can show your support and love. Take them out out to a nice dinner after they get back from their honeymoon to toast their love and happiness, maybe. But your first priority in this situation needs to be *you*.
posted by Molasses808 at 6:11 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
And apologies if this also isn't the case, but if you have decided that you definitely want to be there, are you able to put up your own literal boundaries and tell your sibling that you have certain conditions that must be met if you are expected to be there, especially as a speech-giver? The main one being (to echo others above) to allow a plus-one – a plus-one that is only there to act as your own personal bodyguard. Make that plus-one a friend of yours that has no qualms going Stone Cold Shoulder Protector towards your dad at ANY attempts of connection, one that can constantly scan the room for where he might be, and one not afraid to go Seething Fucking Bitch if he gets within five feet of you. Also one who has the car keys and will leave with you at a *literal* moment's notice.
But maybe MexicanYenta has it best...the wedding is just a day. There are other ways you can show your support and love. Take them out out to a nice dinner after they get back from their honeymoon to toast their love and happiness, maybe. But your first priority in this situation needs to be *you*.
posted by Molasses808 at 6:11 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I’m all for not going, but if you do: pharmaceuticals, probably a low dose (less than or exactly 1 mg) of Ativan.
I say that as someone who doesn’t drink or use recreational drugs and in general only makes use of pharmaceuticals if they are the only reasonable tool at my disposal. For the situation you’re describing, other than not doing this to yourself — which once again would be my first option — a mild sedative is the right tool for the job.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:19 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
I say that as someone who doesn’t drink or use recreational drugs and in general only makes use of pharmaceuticals if they are the only reasonable tool at my disposal. For the situation you’re describing, other than not doing this to yourself — which once again would be my first option — a mild sedative is the right tool for the job.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:19 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
A person that expected me to do this would not someone who treated me well enough for me to be at their wedding.
Only slightly serious: is reporting the crimes and / or seeking a restraining order at all an option?
posted by stormyteal at 7:44 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
Only slightly serious: is reporting the crimes and / or seeking a restraining order at all an option?
posted by stormyteal at 7:44 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Oh my goodness, this is an awful situation. In addition to everyone else who has said 'don't go' and 'try Xanax', I've had to navigate trauma fight/flight/freeze at a funeral where I had to speak and found Amitriptyline to be extremely helpful. People behaved badly and I was just... above it. The drugs gave me some space to both rise above and then to process later from a place of emotional distance. I started taking it about a week before the event and noticed within a couple of days that emotional things that bothered me terribly in my body were just not troubling me. I was still aware of them, but my body wasn't reacting.
For other reasons Amitriptyline wasn't a long term option for me - and I wouldn't recommend it as one - but it could be worth exploring with a health professional as one of a number of options. FWIW my experience of Xanax is extreme sleepiness and clumsiness and betablockers stopped me from flushing and high heart rate but didn't really help with much else. YMMV in your own unique body.
Good luck, I hope you're able to find a way out of going and that if you do go you find some chemical assistance that is effective in getting you through it.
posted by t0astie at 9:13 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
For other reasons Amitriptyline wasn't a long term option for me - and I wouldn't recommend it as one - but it could be worth exploring with a health professional as one of a number of options. FWIW my experience of Xanax is extreme sleepiness and clumsiness and betablockers stopped me from flushing and high heart rate but didn't really help with much else. YMMV in your own unique body.
Good luck, I hope you're able to find a way out of going and that if you do go you find some chemical assistance that is effective in getting you through it.
posted by t0astie at 9:13 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]
Could you make a video of your speech and not attend in person?
posted by kinddieserzeit at 10:09 PM on February 20 [5 favorites]
posted by kinddieserzeit at 10:09 PM on February 20 [5 favorites]
For performance anxiety situations - such as giving a speech, especially a stressful speech - many of us have found visualizing the performance to be very helpful. Example explanation.
Basically you close your eyes in a quiet place and imagine going through the entire experience in detail. Start from (say) getting in the car at home, driving to the place, walking through the halls to the room, entering the room, sitting down and waiting for the speech time, having conversations with friends & family during this time, then getting up to give the speech, looking out and seeing all the friends and family, the bride & the groom, giving the speech, sitting back down, etc etc etc until you leave.
Imagine every detail - clothes you'll be wearing, the temperature, the smells, the lighting, etc etc etc etc.
You can sort of fast-forward through aspects, but particularly visualize transitions and how you will feel as, for example, you walking into the room, as you stand up and walk to the lecturn, turn to the group and begin your speech, etc.
Also - and this is important - you are both monitoring how you feel as you do all this, but - even more important! - giving yourself instructions about how you are going to feel as you do this. "I feel calm, I feel confident, I am breathing deeply and slowly and calmly." What are you going to do and how are you going to feel if something goes wrong - you lose you train of thought, say. You're going to be calm, you're going to breathe, you're going to take a moment and not be rushed, you're going to look at your notes or tell a joke or a specific story or whatever to get back on track (or whatever your plan is).
Normally you try to envision even specific people, especially if they are going to make you nervous or throw you off. So, say, competition judges, competitors you feel strongly about, maybe family member, your boss, or anyone else who might make you feel especially nervous or stressed if you see them. So you envision encountering them and again, recite your instructions to yourself to be calm and confident, to breathe, and so on.
So normally I would recommend doing exactly that. But! In your situation I am not so sure. Maybe it is going to be too upsetting to even visualize the encounter you are most concerned about. Maybe it will amount to just multiplying the stress the encounter will bring you by going over and over it mentally for days before it even happens. So, maybe you don't want to do that!
Flip side, maybe trying out the specific encounter in your imagination first would be a good way to tell whether it is wise to even attempt it in real life. If it is super upsetting even when you are just visualizing the situation, and if you can't really keep control of your emotions, then that is probably a pretty good indication it's going to go even worse in real life.
You might well find that even visualizing this situation is basically retraumatizing you. If so, you might decide to not go through it in real life. Or if you do decide to proceed in real life, when visualizing the situation you might just think of generic "lots of people" or "lots of friends and family members" rather than any specific person.
I can talk about a lot of experience I have had with doing these visualizations in regards to performance anxiety specifically. But beyond that, into the realm of dealing with an encounter with an abuser you feel very strong about - this is an area where, I am sorry to say, I can't give very specific guidance. The only thing I can say is, be aware and don't do anything that harms you. On the one hand, visualizing the encounter with your abuser and continually visualizing yourself deflating the emotional importance of the encounter and remaining calm throughout, might be just the thing you need to deflate and defuse the situation in your mind and in real life. On the other hand, it might be very traumatizing even to keep thinking about it. If so, don't continue, of course!
These possibilities might be something to discuss with your therapist. Also, if your therapist thinks it is a good idea to visualize encountering your abuser as a way to mentally prepare for the situation in real life, maybe it would be a good idea to go through the visualization exercise with your therapist. That could give you an opportunity to process your feelings and reactions with the therapist.
In general, though (ie, as related to performance anxiety) I find if I do this kind of visualization exercise at least daily for at least a week - preferably at least two weeks - prior to the event it is enough to really make a difference in how I emotionally respond to a situation in terms of things like stage fright.
It's like anything else you practice or train for - if you practice it enough the reactions become more automatic and, even in a stressful situations, they will kick in. This includes not only physical reactions but emotional and mental reactions. But it does take practice over time to engrain the reactions - not just once or twice. A couple of weeks, once daily, at a minimum, from my experience.
Again I'm not sure that is going to 100% translate to your specific situation, but I just offer it for your consideration.
posted by flug at 1:56 AM on February 21 [2 favorites]
Basically you close your eyes in a quiet place and imagine going through the entire experience in detail. Start from (say) getting in the car at home, driving to the place, walking through the halls to the room, entering the room, sitting down and waiting for the speech time, having conversations with friends & family during this time, then getting up to give the speech, looking out and seeing all the friends and family, the bride & the groom, giving the speech, sitting back down, etc etc etc until you leave.
Imagine every detail - clothes you'll be wearing, the temperature, the smells, the lighting, etc etc etc etc.
You can sort of fast-forward through aspects, but particularly visualize transitions and how you will feel as, for example, you walking into the room, as you stand up and walk to the lecturn, turn to the group and begin your speech, etc.
Also - and this is important - you are both monitoring how you feel as you do all this, but - even more important! - giving yourself instructions about how you are going to feel as you do this. "I feel calm, I feel confident, I am breathing deeply and slowly and calmly." What are you going to do and how are you going to feel if something goes wrong - you lose you train of thought, say. You're going to be calm, you're going to breathe, you're going to take a moment and not be rushed, you're going to look at your notes or tell a joke or a specific story or whatever to get back on track (or whatever your plan is).
Normally you try to envision even specific people, especially if they are going to make you nervous or throw you off. So, say, competition judges, competitors you feel strongly about, maybe family member, your boss, or anyone else who might make you feel especially nervous or stressed if you see them. So you envision encountering them and again, recite your instructions to yourself to be calm and confident, to breathe, and so on.
So normally I would recommend doing exactly that. But! In your situation I am not so sure. Maybe it is going to be too upsetting to even visualize the encounter you are most concerned about. Maybe it will amount to just multiplying the stress the encounter will bring you by going over and over it mentally for days before it even happens. So, maybe you don't want to do that!
Flip side, maybe trying out the specific encounter in your imagination first would be a good way to tell whether it is wise to even attempt it in real life. If it is super upsetting even when you are just visualizing the situation, and if you can't really keep control of your emotions, then that is probably a pretty good indication it's going to go even worse in real life.
You might well find that even visualizing this situation is basically retraumatizing you. If so, you might decide to not go through it in real life. Or if you do decide to proceed in real life, when visualizing the situation you might just think of generic "lots of people" or "lots of friends and family members" rather than any specific person.
I can talk about a lot of experience I have had with doing these visualizations in regards to performance anxiety specifically. But beyond that, into the realm of dealing with an encounter with an abuser you feel very strong about - this is an area where, I am sorry to say, I can't give very specific guidance. The only thing I can say is, be aware and don't do anything that harms you. On the one hand, visualizing the encounter with your abuser and continually visualizing yourself deflating the emotional importance of the encounter and remaining calm throughout, might be just the thing you need to deflate and defuse the situation in your mind and in real life. On the other hand, it might be very traumatizing even to keep thinking about it. If so, don't continue, of course!
These possibilities might be something to discuss with your therapist. Also, if your therapist thinks it is a good idea to visualize encountering your abuser as a way to mentally prepare for the situation in real life, maybe it would be a good idea to go through the visualization exercise with your therapist. That could give you an opportunity to process your feelings and reactions with the therapist.
In general, though (ie, as related to performance anxiety) I find if I do this kind of visualization exercise at least daily for at least a week - preferably at least two weeks - prior to the event it is enough to really make a difference in how I emotionally respond to a situation in terms of things like stage fright.
It's like anything else you practice or train for - if you practice it enough the reactions become more automatic and, even in a stressful situations, they will kick in. This includes not only physical reactions but emotional and mental reactions. But it does take practice over time to engrain the reactions - not just once or twice. A couple of weeks, once daily, at a minimum, from my experience.
Again I'm not sure that is going to 100% translate to your specific situation, but I just offer it for your consideration.
posted by flug at 1:56 AM on February 21 [2 favorites]
Your brother should have your back on this, and it pisses me off that he doesn’t. I’m sorry. I know from experience that different children can have very different experiences of growing up with the same parent, and relationships are complex - but there is no way your brother should expect this of you if he’s aware that you were abused by this man.
Since he doesn’t have your back, you need to have your own back. Of the options suggested above, I lean heavily toward “don’t go.” But if you feel you have to go, for whatever reason, I would suggest you take advantage of the bodyguard idea. Not because you necessarily have to fear physical abuse in this public setting, but because having someone there to say “No” loudly and firmly on your behalf (or to scream it if need be) is your second-best safety net.
Back to “don’t go” - if you feel this would be upsetting to your brother, you can point out that it’s better for HIM and his intended if you don’t go - because having you fall to pieces or pass out from anxiety or terror during a speech is not a good look for a wedding.
posted by invincible summer at 6:44 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]
Since he doesn’t have your back, you need to have your own back. Of the options suggested above, I lean heavily toward “don’t go.” But if you feel you have to go, for whatever reason, I would suggest you take advantage of the bodyguard idea. Not because you necessarily have to fear physical abuse in this public setting, but because having someone there to say “No” loudly and firmly on your behalf (or to scream it if need be) is your second-best safety net.
Back to “don’t go” - if you feel this would be upsetting to your brother, you can point out that it’s better for HIM and his intended if you don’t go - because having you fall to pieces or pass out from anxiety or terror during a speech is not a good look for a wedding.
posted by invincible summer at 6:44 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]
Count me among Team "Don't Go."
posted by Gelatin at 9:02 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]
posted by Gelatin at 9:02 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]
I'm a survivor of similar abuse, but I'm a whole lot older than you. Don't go. If your sibling is so insensitive, so oblivious to the trauma you are experiencing, as you think about going to the wedding he or she doesn't need you to come. My sister, who wasn't abused, is finally starting to understand how much it hurt me that she maintained a familial relationship with him until he died. Send a link to this page to your siblings. And your mother, wtf is her role in this? She's still with the bastard? I hope you have people in your life who are better to you than your parents and siblings. Hugs!
posted by mareli at 1:07 PM on February 21 [1 favorite]
posted by mareli at 1:07 PM on February 21 [1 favorite]
I might assume your prospective sister-in-law doesn't realize what your brother expects you to do. But, if she does, shame on her. From the post, I can't cut your brother any slack. Shame on him for even thinking of putting you in this position. They have their own needs--the perfect wedding. Their needs seem to require you to revisit Hell. Being judgmental isn't the same as exercising judgment.
It's your decision. You can decide to decline this invitation to Hell. Write a letter to your brother--just a short note--declining the "honor." Say simply that you don't wish to be within a city block of your father. Maybe in a few weeks, you could see your way to send the happy couple a toaster. Be civil--you will be glad later.
Suggestions (upthread) that you could take drugs to get you through this horrible experience overlook the simple fact that you do not have to go. Likewise, hiring a bodyguard seems off-key. This is a wedding, not a drug deal. What you describe cannot be remedied by just sucking it up, drugging yourself, or getting someone to intimidate your father.
posted by mule98J at 2:59 PM on February 21 [3 favorites]
It's your decision. You can decide to decline this invitation to Hell. Write a letter to your brother--just a short note--declining the "honor." Say simply that you don't wish to be within a city block of your father. Maybe in a few weeks, you could see your way to send the happy couple a toaster. Be civil--you will be glad later.
Suggestions (upthread) that you could take drugs to get you through this horrible experience overlook the simple fact that you do not have to go. Likewise, hiring a bodyguard seems off-key. This is a wedding, not a drug deal. What you describe cannot be remedied by just sucking it up, drugging yourself, or getting someone to intimidate your father.
posted by mule98J at 2:59 PM on February 21 [3 favorites]
Just another internet stranger who is HORRIFIED that ANYONE would expect you to attend this wedding at all, much less stand up and give a speech in front of your abuser. There isn't enough therapy or benzos in the world. Please prioritize your own health and healing, and do not put yourself in this extremely damaging -- and potentially dangerous -- situation.
posted by leftover_scrabble_rack at 3:03 PM on February 21 [5 favorites]
posted by leftover_scrabble_rack at 3:03 PM on February 21 [5 favorites]
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If you do go, can your sibling plan to tell him in advance, in no uncertain terms, that he is not to approach or attempt to communicate with you in any way at the party? Enforced by your brother? Do you have a more understanding family member (because honestly I am judging your sibling a bit) whom you could arrange to stick to, like a sympathetic aunt or cousin?
posted by praemunire at 11:23 AM on February 20 [61 favorites]