The "evil" stepmother
February 5, 2024 8:57 AM Subscribe
I don't want a relationship with my stepmom for what I think are very good reasons. My dad doesn't understand and I feel very hurt and betrayed. Now what?
My dad is in his late sixties; I'm in my late thirties. My stepmom was my dad's secretary and he cheated with her when he was still married to my mom, starting when I was four or five years old. My parents separated when I was eight and went through a very long, traumatic, and painful divorce; my dad and stepmom married as soon as the ink was dry on the divorce papers.
I have never liked or accepted my stepmother. Part of it, of course, stemmed from the fact that she was a big reason why my parents divorced in the first place, and my mom loathed her. But in addition, from the time that she came into my life when I was six or seven, she has treated me differently from my sister and my stepsiblings. She vacillated between outright ignoring me and directly making fun of how I looked, talked, dressed, acted, what I liked, etc. She thought I was "weird" and she made that very clear. I honestly didn't realize how bad it was until I dealt with it in therapy over the last few years and now understand that it was emotional abuse. As an adult, I've never been close with my stepmom, but we were pleasant with each other and were fine at holidays, birthdays, etc.
Several years ago, my dad had a major stroke that left him with significant mental and physical deficits. For years, the mental issues have been getting significantly worse, and I had been trying to flag this to my family for years as possible vascular dementia to no avail. I was shocked to find I wrote an AskMe about it all the way back in 2019!
Last summer, my stepmom pulled me aside and said that she finally was seeing what I had been seeing, and she wanted to get my dad help. She, my sister, and I all agreed to move forward with getting him a doctor's appointment for possible neurological testing and then discuss with him as a group. We knew he was going to be upset, so we planned on a united front with a gentle approach.
Except.. before the appointment could be scheduled, my stepmom misinterpreted something I said about my dad (that he was "wandering" on a vacation) to mean that I thought that he had Alzheimer's. I guess she got cold feet about this entire plan and instead of talking to me about it, she went directly to my dad and told him about the doctor's appointment, said that I thought he had Alzheimer's, and told him that this was all my idea. Unsurprisingly, my dad was livid with me. He spammed me with angry text messages and when I told him I was blocking him, he suggested maybe we just shouldn't have a relationship. I blocked him for some time and we didn't speak for a month.
We eventually had a good phone conversation about what happened, but it was just about me and him, not my stepmom's involvement. I haven't spoken to my stepmom since October. She has not reached out to me at all. I still went to their house for Christmas because I knew my dad would be upset if I didn't. I ignored my stepmom for the most part but was polite.
Last week, my dad asked to meet with me and my sister to discuss the current state of affairs. He told me that he didn't like that I am not speaking with my stepmom, that she thought I was "rude" on Christmas, and that I need to just "let it go" (his words). He also said that my stepmom now acknowledges that she "treated me differently" (aka was emotionally abusive to me as a CHILD) because "I never accepted her." He also said that he does not understand why I'm so upset with my stepmom because the incident with the Alzheimer's thing was "just a two-minute discussion." This wonderful breakfast ended with me crying in the bathroom because when my sister suggested that I could still have a relationship with him without my stepmom, he said that "wouldn't work."
I know that my dad felt bad afterwards, because he reached out to suggest that I can come by to see him when my stepmom isn't home a few hours a week. I love him very much, but I've pulled away quite a bit from him since this incident occurred in October, and what happened a few days ago made me reconsider having any kind of significant relationship with him at all.
While there are brain issues at play here with his stroke, I also know that the way that he and my stepmom are acting here is not new. From what I see, my stepmom is still being an asshole to me, with the added bonus of turning my own dad against me, and my dad is doing the same thing that he's always done: wanting me to just ignore it. It feels like once again he's "choosing" her over me, his own child.
It also doesn't help that my mom had BPD and passed 5+ years ago, and just in the last week, I've finally felt like I'm out of fight-or-flight mode from the daily abuse that she heaped upon me. Do I have Ask's permission to disengage completely here? Am I overreacting? Is there another solution?
My dad is in his late sixties; I'm in my late thirties. My stepmom was my dad's secretary and he cheated with her when he was still married to my mom, starting when I was four or five years old. My parents separated when I was eight and went through a very long, traumatic, and painful divorce; my dad and stepmom married as soon as the ink was dry on the divorce papers.
I have never liked or accepted my stepmother. Part of it, of course, stemmed from the fact that she was a big reason why my parents divorced in the first place, and my mom loathed her. But in addition, from the time that she came into my life when I was six or seven, she has treated me differently from my sister and my stepsiblings. She vacillated between outright ignoring me and directly making fun of how I looked, talked, dressed, acted, what I liked, etc. She thought I was "weird" and she made that very clear. I honestly didn't realize how bad it was until I dealt with it in therapy over the last few years and now understand that it was emotional abuse. As an adult, I've never been close with my stepmom, but we were pleasant with each other and were fine at holidays, birthdays, etc.
Several years ago, my dad had a major stroke that left him with significant mental and physical deficits. For years, the mental issues have been getting significantly worse, and I had been trying to flag this to my family for years as possible vascular dementia to no avail. I was shocked to find I wrote an AskMe about it all the way back in 2019!
Last summer, my stepmom pulled me aside and said that she finally was seeing what I had been seeing, and she wanted to get my dad help. She, my sister, and I all agreed to move forward with getting him a doctor's appointment for possible neurological testing and then discuss with him as a group. We knew he was going to be upset, so we planned on a united front with a gentle approach.
Except.. before the appointment could be scheduled, my stepmom misinterpreted something I said about my dad (that he was "wandering" on a vacation) to mean that I thought that he had Alzheimer's. I guess she got cold feet about this entire plan and instead of talking to me about it, she went directly to my dad and told him about the doctor's appointment, said that I thought he had Alzheimer's, and told him that this was all my idea. Unsurprisingly, my dad was livid with me. He spammed me with angry text messages and when I told him I was blocking him, he suggested maybe we just shouldn't have a relationship. I blocked him for some time and we didn't speak for a month.
We eventually had a good phone conversation about what happened, but it was just about me and him, not my stepmom's involvement. I haven't spoken to my stepmom since October. She has not reached out to me at all. I still went to their house for Christmas because I knew my dad would be upset if I didn't. I ignored my stepmom for the most part but was polite.
Last week, my dad asked to meet with me and my sister to discuss the current state of affairs. He told me that he didn't like that I am not speaking with my stepmom, that she thought I was "rude" on Christmas, and that I need to just "let it go" (his words). He also said that my stepmom now acknowledges that she "treated me differently" (aka was emotionally abusive to me as a CHILD) because "I never accepted her." He also said that he does not understand why I'm so upset with my stepmom because the incident with the Alzheimer's thing was "just a two-minute discussion." This wonderful breakfast ended with me crying in the bathroom because when my sister suggested that I could still have a relationship with him without my stepmom, he said that "wouldn't work."
I know that my dad felt bad afterwards, because he reached out to suggest that I can come by to see him when my stepmom isn't home a few hours a week. I love him very much, but I've pulled away quite a bit from him since this incident occurred in October, and what happened a few days ago made me reconsider having any kind of significant relationship with him at all.
While there are brain issues at play here with his stroke, I also know that the way that he and my stepmom are acting here is not new. From what I see, my stepmom is still being an asshole to me, with the added bonus of turning my own dad against me, and my dad is doing the same thing that he's always done: wanting me to just ignore it. It feels like once again he's "choosing" her over me, his own child.
It also doesn't help that my mom had BPD and passed 5+ years ago, and just in the last week, I've finally felt like I'm out of fight-or-flight mode from the daily abuse that she heaped upon me. Do I have Ask's permission to disengage completely here? Am I overreacting? Is there another solution?
Your stepmother has been your dad's partner for 25+ years. I expect that this is the longest relationship he has ever had, and it looks fairly likely that they will remain together for the rest of his natural life. I think you have to really and truly understand that while they are individual people they are also (from your description) a package deal, just like many other married couples.
Perhaps, accept that the situation is what it is. It doesn't need you to make a big stand, or require an irrevocable decision. You can simply decide whether or not to call or visit or accept a specific invitation at any particular point, depending on how you feel at the time.
posted by plonkee at 9:23 AM on February 5 [11 favorites]
Perhaps, accept that the situation is what it is. It doesn't need you to make a big stand, or require an irrevocable decision. You can simply decide whether or not to call or visit or accept a specific invitation at any particular point, depending on how you feel at the time.
posted by plonkee at 9:23 AM on February 5 [11 favorites]
You certainly have the right to disengage. Don't need internet's approval for that.
Your dad mentioned that Stepmom said/admitted she "treated [you] differently". Has she apologized directly to you? You were a child when she started this in her words "never accepted her". A child! First thing I would do is tell your Dad that Stepmom needs to give you a sincere apology directly to you, not through your dad while blaming you, a young child at the time, for her treatment of you. If she actually does it, which I doubt she will, you can then decide how to proceed.
Your dad should not be guilted into picking you over his wife. He wants to have a relationship with both of you. You seem to think that the only way to do that is without his wife, your stepmom. That is why I think you need to patch things up with her before you can have a full relationship with your dad. I am not saying this is possible, just that I think it is the only viable path forward.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:27 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]
Your dad mentioned that Stepmom said/admitted she "treated [you] differently". Has she apologized directly to you? You were a child when she started this in her words "never accepted her". A child! First thing I would do is tell your Dad that Stepmom needs to give you a sincere apology directly to you, not through your dad while blaming you, a young child at the time, for her treatment of you. If she actually does it, which I doubt she will, you can then decide how to proceed.
Your dad should not be guilted into picking you over his wife. He wants to have a relationship with both of you. You seem to think that the only way to do that is without his wife, your stepmom. That is why I think you need to patch things up with her before you can have a full relationship with your dad. I am not saying this is possible, just that I think it is the only viable path forward.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:27 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]
You can absolutely disengage here. There's a pattern of behavior here that's longstanding and that's hurting you. You can step away from it.
That doesn't mean you have to scorch the earth as you go. If you want to leave a door open for the possibility that with a bit of time and space you may feel differently, or that as your father continues to age you may feel a different obligation or desire to be part of his life in some way, you can do that. You can let him know that you love him, you need some time to figure out what the next stage of your relationship with him can look like, and you'll reach out when you're ready to talk to him more about that. And then you can let it lie until and unless you feel the urge to reach out again.
posted by Stacey at 9:28 AM on February 5 [2 favorites]
That doesn't mean you have to scorch the earth as you go. If you want to leave a door open for the possibility that with a bit of time and space you may feel differently, or that as your father continues to age you may feel a different obligation or desire to be part of his life in some way, you can do that. You can let him know that you love him, you need some time to figure out what the next stage of your relationship with him can look like, and you'll reach out when you're ready to talk to him more about that. And then you can let it lie until and unless you feel the urge to reach out again.
posted by Stacey at 9:28 AM on February 5 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think your reasons for not wanting a relationship with your stepmother--based on conduct both past and recent--are sound. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone, including your dad, on this.
However, if your father is developing dementia, he is going to have escalating care needs and decreasing ability to manage complex interpersonal conflict. You're not obliged to take part in his care. But, if it is important to you to help out, you can't be encumbering what's going to be a long and painful experience for everyone with additional personal conflicts. Your dad may not be recognizable as your dad for many more years. In other words, you may not have a lot of time left to have whatever relationship you might want to have with him. Your issues with him may never be satisfactorily resolved (are they ever?). But you should probably think carefully about how you may feel if in five years he no longer consistently recognizes you, and in ten years, after needing a great deal of personal care, he's gone. If you think you want or are obliged to help out in his decline, now is the time to set aside personal differences as much as you possibly can. Be civil to your stepmother--you never need to see her again after your dad is gone. Engage with her on a personal level as minimally as possible. Don't try to make your dad "choose." Just help out in whatever ways you can, and enjoy his company as much as you can.
If you wish to disengage completely, then you can do that, too. No one should judge you for that. But I just wanted to highlight the fact that you should probably make your decisions keeping in mind that your dad will probably be gone--in a practical, if not biological sense--quite soon.
posted by praemunire at 9:39 AM on February 5 [24 favorites]
However, if your father is developing dementia, he is going to have escalating care needs and decreasing ability to manage complex interpersonal conflict. You're not obliged to take part in his care. But, if it is important to you to help out, you can't be encumbering what's going to be a long and painful experience for everyone with additional personal conflicts. Your dad may not be recognizable as your dad for many more years. In other words, you may not have a lot of time left to have whatever relationship you might want to have with him. Your issues with him may never be satisfactorily resolved (are they ever?). But you should probably think carefully about how you may feel if in five years he no longer consistently recognizes you, and in ten years, after needing a great deal of personal care, he's gone. If you think you want or are obliged to help out in his decline, now is the time to set aside personal differences as much as you possibly can. Be civil to your stepmother--you never need to see her again after your dad is gone. Engage with her on a personal level as minimally as possible. Don't try to make your dad "choose." Just help out in whatever ways you can, and enjoy his company as much as you can.
If you wish to disengage completely, then you can do that, too. No one should judge you for that. But I just wanted to highlight the fact that you should probably make your decisions keeping in mind that your dad will probably be gone--in a practical, if not biological sense--quite soon.
posted by praemunire at 9:39 AM on February 5 [24 favorites]
Best answer: You seem to be holding your stepmom to a higher standard than your dad. Because she participated in the affair, you say she's "evil". But your dad is the one who cheated on your mom and sexually harassed his employee, and your attitude toward him is that you love him very much and want him to "choose" you.
You are concerned about your dad's health. He responded to your loving concern by becoming livid and spamming you with angry text messages. You called that "unsurprising" (why? I'm surprised by it). Instead of putting the responsibility for his response on him, you're angry at your stepmom for subverting your carefully orchestrated strategy to reduce your dad's fury.
It was wrong of your stepmom to treat you differently, mock you, and ignore you. But you seem to be putting your dad on a pedestal (vying for his love and wishing he would pick you), when his own behavior is also problematic. Perhaps you are redirecting some of your resentment toward your dad onto your stepmom instead? If you let yourself feel that resentment, it might release some of your anger toward your stepmom.
posted by vienna at 9:45 AM on February 5 [56 favorites]
You are concerned about your dad's health. He responded to your loving concern by becoming livid and spamming you with angry text messages. You called that "unsurprising" (why? I'm surprised by it). Instead of putting the responsibility for his response on him, you're angry at your stepmom for subverting your carefully orchestrated strategy to reduce your dad's fury.
It was wrong of your stepmom to treat you differently, mock you, and ignore you. But you seem to be putting your dad on a pedestal (vying for his love and wishing he would pick you), when his own behavior is also problematic. Perhaps you are redirecting some of your resentment toward your dad onto your stepmom instead? If you let yourself feel that resentment, it might release some of your anger toward your stepmom.
posted by vienna at 9:45 AM on February 5 [56 favorites]
Nthing everyone else. You don't need anyone's permission to step away. Your stepmother sounds like she caused you a lot of pain, and it's totally up to you how you want to deal with it and how you want to deal with people who won't respect your decision.
I will say though, that your dad sounds like he'll need more care soon, and he's less likely than ever to change (he's older, so he hasn't so far, and he's suffering from some cognitive issues). If you're cutting off contact to save you the pain, that's totally healthy and understandable. But f you're cutting off contact to to to make him re-evaluate and force him finally choose you over her - that just won't happen. I'm sorry.
posted by Garm at 10:13 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]
I will say though, that your dad sounds like he'll need more care soon, and he's less likely than ever to change (he's older, so he hasn't so far, and he's suffering from some cognitive issues). If you're cutting off contact to save you the pain, that's totally healthy and understandable. But f you're cutting off contact to to to make him re-evaluate and force him finally choose you over her - that just won't happen. I'm sorry.
posted by Garm at 10:13 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]
I come from very similar family dynamics as you. Of course you're allowed to disengage from the situation. You weren't born to be your family's punching bag!
What I found hard to swallow about my family, but was necessary for me to understand, is that you can't change them. You can't make your dad or your stepmother or your siblings treat you the way you want them to. There are is no magic script or screaming rage or clever tactic that will work. Your father will never be the father you wanted and deserved, and he will never prioritize you or stand up for you. He is weak. Your stepmother will always be her abusive, manipulative self. She is weak. It is a painful and lonely situation to be in, and I'm so sorry.
If you haven't read it already, I strongly recommend Lindsay Gibson's book Emotionally Immature Parents. It helped me understand the limitations of my family and I found that liberating.
posted by Stoof at 11:20 AM on February 5 [10 favorites]
What I found hard to swallow about my family, but was necessary for me to understand, is that you can't change them. You can't make your dad or your stepmother or your siblings treat you the way you want them to. There are is no magic script or screaming rage or clever tactic that will work. Your father will never be the father you wanted and deserved, and he will never prioritize you or stand up for you. He is weak. Your stepmother will always be her abusive, manipulative self. She is weak. It is a painful and lonely situation to be in, and I'm so sorry.
If you haven't read it already, I strongly recommend Lindsay Gibson's book Emotionally Immature Parents. It helped me understand the limitations of my family and I found that liberating.
posted by Stoof at 11:20 AM on February 5 [10 favorites]
my perspective is coloured by the fact I cannot access my dad or mom anymore. I think about the things I'd like to say to them now.
in my opinion, your own health is topmost. if any decision you make from here doesn't compromise your health, it's fine. from what you describe, it would take a lot to have any relationship with the stepmother but it seems like you may have lasting regret if you don't have your dad in your life somehow. I think any decision you make that keeps you in good shape and lets you do what you need to do, is a good decision. Good luck.
posted by elkevelvet at 11:28 AM on February 5 [2 favorites]
in my opinion, your own health is topmost. if any decision you make from here doesn't compromise your health, it's fine. from what you describe, it would take a lot to have any relationship with the stepmother but it seems like you may have lasting regret if you don't have your dad in your life somehow. I think any decision you make that keeps you in good shape and lets you do what you need to do, is a good decision. Good luck.
posted by elkevelvet at 11:28 AM on February 5 [2 favorites]
You seem to be holding your stepmom to a higher standard than your dad.
There's no rule that you need to treat your dad the same as your stepmother, especially a stepmother who emotionally abused you as a child. And while your dad isn't perfect, what I see in this description of your stepmother is on another plane.
posted by grouse at 11:39 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
There's no rule that you need to treat your dad the same as your stepmother, especially a stepmother who emotionally abused you as a child. And while your dad isn't perfect, what I see in this description of your stepmother is on another plane.
posted by grouse at 11:39 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Not threadsitting, I promise, but just noting that I don’t disagree at all with vienna. For most of my life it was very easy to see my mom as “the bad parent” because her behavior was so outrageous and my dad as “the good parent” simply because he wasn’t calling me names or showing up at my door crying in the middle of the night. I’ve only realized in the last few years in therapy that it turns out that I had two “bad” parents.
posted by anotheraccount at 12:13 PM on February 5 [21 favorites]
posted by anotheraccount at 12:13 PM on February 5 [21 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds like instead of protecting you during the divorce, your parents and stepmom may have turned you into a proxy for their battles. A few things to consider:
- Your mom made it clear that she loathed your stepmom. Many parents refrain from letting their kids know that, to avoid dragging their kids into the conflict. If your mom had been polite to your stepmom and when speaking about her, might you feel differently now about your stepmom?
- You said your mom was abusive on a daily basis and behaved outrageously. Was your dad looking to escape that marriage? Was your stepmom really to blame for breaking up your parents, or was your dad attempting to get out anyway?
- Try a thought experiment. Imagine you were actually to make an effort to accept your stepmom. You would talk to her about how extremely hurt you were as a child by her actions, and let her apologize directly to your face (instead of indirectly through your dad). You would tell her about your irritation when she went off-script during the Alzheimer's incident, and listen to her explain why she took a different approach. You would not go to your dad to triangulate. You would have an open-minded sincere conversation with your stepmom. When you imagine this thought experiment, which emotions come up? Are there any feelings of disloyalty to your mom?
- Did any of the following statements originally come from your mom's lips: "he's choosing her over me", "she's the one to blame for the affair, not him", "she's evil", "she's turning him against me"?
In the end, if you decide to cut out your stepmom, that's your choice. However, it would be good to make sure it's genuinely from your own desires, and not influenced by your mom's long-held grudges being channeled through you.
posted by vienna at 1:32 PM on February 5 [10 favorites]
- Your mom made it clear that she loathed your stepmom. Many parents refrain from letting their kids know that, to avoid dragging their kids into the conflict. If your mom had been polite to your stepmom and when speaking about her, might you feel differently now about your stepmom?
- You said your mom was abusive on a daily basis and behaved outrageously. Was your dad looking to escape that marriage? Was your stepmom really to blame for breaking up your parents, or was your dad attempting to get out anyway?
- Try a thought experiment. Imagine you were actually to make an effort to accept your stepmom. You would talk to her about how extremely hurt you were as a child by her actions, and let her apologize directly to your face (instead of indirectly through your dad). You would tell her about your irritation when she went off-script during the Alzheimer's incident, and listen to her explain why she took a different approach. You would not go to your dad to triangulate. You would have an open-minded sincere conversation with your stepmom. When you imagine this thought experiment, which emotions come up? Are there any feelings of disloyalty to your mom?
- Did any of the following statements originally come from your mom's lips: "he's choosing her over me", "she's the one to blame for the affair, not him", "she's evil", "she's turning him against me"?
In the end, if you decide to cut out your stepmom, that's your choice. However, it would be good to make sure it's genuinely from your own desires, and not influenced by your mom's long-held grudges being channeled through you.
posted by vienna at 1:32 PM on February 5 [10 favorites]
You were let down by your grownups when you were a kid. They expected you to navigate messy, painful adult stuff like an adult. That wasn't fair at all.
You managed to have a civil relationship with your stepmom in adulthood... until she blew it up. Between how she treated you when you were a literal child, how she thinks about that time period now, how she treated you around your dad's doctor appointment, and how she's expecting you to apologize for taking a step back when she threw you under the bus, you have really solid evidence of who she is and how she'll behave if you reconcile. You also note this is recurring behavior from your dad: when faced with an opportunity to stick up for you and take your feelings seriously, if doing so would mean potential conflict with his partner, he's going to expect you to just stuff it all down. I'm so sorry they can't or won't rise to the occasion. You might feel like there must be something you're missing, some key to getting your dad to understand and see things from your perspective. Because it's weird and wrong for a parent to be so willing to let their kid take the brunt of conflicts like this. It's very sad. It's a betrayal. This is worth grieving.
posted by theotherdurassister at 2:36 PM on February 5 [2 favorites]
You managed to have a civil relationship with your stepmom in adulthood... until she blew it up. Between how she treated you when you were a literal child, how she thinks about that time period now, how she treated you around your dad's doctor appointment, and how she's expecting you to apologize for taking a step back when she threw you under the bus, you have really solid evidence of who she is and how she'll behave if you reconcile. You also note this is recurring behavior from your dad: when faced with an opportunity to stick up for you and take your feelings seriously, if doing so would mean potential conflict with his partner, he's going to expect you to just stuff it all down. I'm so sorry they can't or won't rise to the occasion. You might feel like there must be something you're missing, some key to getting your dad to understand and see things from your perspective. Because it's weird and wrong for a parent to be so willing to let their kid take the brunt of conflicts like this. It's very sad. It's a betrayal. This is worth grieving.
posted by theotherdurassister at 2:36 PM on February 5 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Several items of advice upthread make sense to me. You don't need the Internet's advice to decide what to do about your stepmother or father. You don't need to make immediate decisions--although it seems this situation is evolving, and you don't wish to cut all contact with your father.
Issues of right v wrong and fair v unfair keep battering you. They represent important parts of not only your past but present conditions.
Children do not get divorced. They have divorces inflicted upon them. It's terrible when a child has to choose between two parents. (Which one carries the most blame for the divorce?) It seems clear that your mother's illness prevented her from protecting you from the "evil" stepmother. Your father loves your stepmother. The fault lines between the remember of your family are many and serious. You mentioned step-siblings. Indeed, they have some role in the events that are playing now, or maybe the focus now on your father's health has relegated them to the sidelines.
These issues may fit together in some semblance of order, but your focus is on your father's declining health. Please do not ask him to intervene or pass messages to your stepmother. You may never clear the air with your father about his actions leading to the divorce. You probably will never get an acceptable apology from your stepmother or even a frank discussion concerning her relationship with you.
No universe exists where your pain is unreasonable or where the ill will you bear your stepmother is invalid.
For now, maybe it would be wise to handle those complications through conversations with your counselor. Some upthread have correctly pointed out that your father was an active part in the affair with your stepmother. After 25 years, considering his failing health (and other things), it may be unfruitful, even cruel, to take him to task for that now.
You may step away from this situation without anyone's permission. But if you want to remain in your father's life during what surely is his declining years, make a truce (even an icy one) with your stepmother--you don't need her agreement or complicity to do this.
posted by mule98J at 2:42 PM on February 5 [4 favorites]
Issues of right v wrong and fair v unfair keep battering you. They represent important parts of not only your past but present conditions.
Children do not get divorced. They have divorces inflicted upon them. It's terrible when a child has to choose between two parents. (Which one carries the most blame for the divorce?) It seems clear that your mother's illness prevented her from protecting you from the "evil" stepmother. Your father loves your stepmother. The fault lines between the remember of your family are many and serious. You mentioned step-siblings. Indeed, they have some role in the events that are playing now, or maybe the focus now on your father's health has relegated them to the sidelines.
These issues may fit together in some semblance of order, but your focus is on your father's declining health. Please do not ask him to intervene or pass messages to your stepmother. You may never clear the air with your father about his actions leading to the divorce. You probably will never get an acceptable apology from your stepmother or even a frank discussion concerning her relationship with you.
No universe exists where your pain is unreasonable or where the ill will you bear your stepmother is invalid.
For now, maybe it would be wise to handle those complications through conversations with your counselor. Some upthread have correctly pointed out that your father was an active part in the affair with your stepmother. After 25 years, considering his failing health (and other things), it may be unfruitful, even cruel, to take him to task for that now.
You may step away from this situation without anyone's permission. But if you want to remain in your father's life during what surely is his declining years, make a truce (even an icy one) with your stepmother--you don't need her agreement or complicity to do this.
posted by mule98J at 2:42 PM on February 5 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I have spent decades grieving the lack of a closer relationship with my dad because I don't get along with my stepmom. I also spent decades blaming her for some things that were actually his fault. It was easier to blame her for the bad visits to see me and my kids (she'd be stressed and drink a whole lot) instead of being upset at my dad for never talking to her about the possibility of visiting us without her.
I also agree that your dad was the one cheating on your mom. Let's not blame a secretary who reported to your dad for ending that marriage. Your dad did that, whether with her or someone else.
You get to decide what kind of relationship you do or don't want with your stepmom. However, a consequence of deciding you don't want a relationship with her is that your dad might say he doesn't want a relationship with you. You both get to make these decisions. It sounds like he has told you his terms. So you get to decide if you accept them or not.
Yes, it sucks. It sounds like she's been pretty awful to you. I totally get that. But what kind of relationship do you want with your dad? I agree with him, I think, that you can't really have a relationship with him and not her. There's one thing you said I want to push back on:
my dad is doing the same thing that he's always done: wanting me to just ignore it. It feels like once again he's "choosing" her over me, his own child.
I know it's hard, but you're an adult now. He's an adult who has been married to this person for a long time. If your dad was being rude to your spouse or partner, you might well draw a line with your dad. I'm not saying she's not to blame. Not at all. But can you find a way to be very friendly and warm to her but also totally on the surface and distant? So, basically, can you fake it with her? I am not saying to engage authentically and be vulnerable to her. I am saying that your dad might not have a lot of time left, and I don't want you to let how terrible this woman is drive you away from your dad.
It's so hard and it totally sucks. I am still in this terrible situation myself. It's really sad. It's okay for us to be mad at our dads. But it's also okay for them to nurture their marriages and their spouses.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:10 PM on February 5 [5 favorites]
I also agree that your dad was the one cheating on your mom. Let's not blame a secretary who reported to your dad for ending that marriage. Your dad did that, whether with her or someone else.
You get to decide what kind of relationship you do or don't want with your stepmom. However, a consequence of deciding you don't want a relationship with her is that your dad might say he doesn't want a relationship with you. You both get to make these decisions. It sounds like he has told you his terms. So you get to decide if you accept them or not.
Yes, it sucks. It sounds like she's been pretty awful to you. I totally get that. But what kind of relationship do you want with your dad? I agree with him, I think, that you can't really have a relationship with him and not her. There's one thing you said I want to push back on:
my dad is doing the same thing that he's always done: wanting me to just ignore it. It feels like once again he's "choosing" her over me, his own child.
I know it's hard, but you're an adult now. He's an adult who has been married to this person for a long time. If your dad was being rude to your spouse or partner, you might well draw a line with your dad. I'm not saying she's not to blame. Not at all. But can you find a way to be very friendly and warm to her but also totally on the surface and distant? So, basically, can you fake it with her? I am not saying to engage authentically and be vulnerable to her. I am saying that your dad might not have a lot of time left, and I don't want you to let how terrible this woman is drive you away from your dad.
It's so hard and it totally sucks. I am still in this terrible situation myself. It's really sad. It's okay for us to be mad at our dads. But it's also okay for them to nurture their marriages and their spouses.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:10 PM on February 5 [5 favorites]
Another thing that's been complicated for me but I also see: my dad and stepmom have a pretty good marriage and care about each other a lot. It might be helpful if you can appreciate that your stepmom is looking at the declining health of her partner, the person she lives with and is closest to.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:57 PM on February 5
posted by bluedaisy at 5:57 PM on February 5
Y'know.. I guess the question is why.. is it to protect yourself? Or is it to 'win' in some way? Or 'send a message'?
So, I reflect back.. my parents, after my sister had kids, suddenly started treating my kids horribly. There was obvious preference going on, my other sibling saw it as well.. and well, it was always that way, really.
Long story (actually kept the kids away from them for a time when they were younger because it was unhealthy for them at their age, kids as young adults saw the difference in treatment/behavior), all came to a point where mother and sister were confronted by self and sibling (also with kids treated differently). Evidence was shown. Everything laid out. Healing and understanding proceeds.
Yeah, except next day, sister pulls family from family vacation, and mother has ever since refuted the different treatment, while playing weird other mind games. I haven't cut them out of my life, but I do limit it generally. Any slights or otherwise that occur, I just let pass - water off the back, and share a roll of the eyes smile with my wife. (my sister actually did cut us out for a long while, lying to her kids about us, until - surprise she needed us for something.. which, well, involved her kids, so I wasn't going to punish them for it).
Why do I note all of this? We, as an adult that recognizes that some other person has issues, also need to realize that in many cases, they will never change for any variety of reasons. But, cutting my family out of my life would mainly be to 'prove' something to them, which, well, they're never going to admit or think they were 'in the wrong' so what's the point?
We all accept things of people we care about that we wouldn't accept in other people. Now, you don't have to have any sort of relationship with your step mom, but seems you want to with your dad. And your siblings. You don't have to ignore bad behavior or things, but you can decide it's not going to affect you - rile you up or make you upset. You can call it out, and then move on like nothing happened because reacting and pushing back isn't going to change anything. It's not about winning or losing or making the person in the wrong admit they are wrong (which would be you winning/them losing). You win by being OK with what you know and do.
posted by rich at 7:13 AM on February 6 [1 favorite]
So, I reflect back.. my parents, after my sister had kids, suddenly started treating my kids horribly. There was obvious preference going on, my other sibling saw it as well.. and well, it was always that way, really.
Long story (actually kept the kids away from them for a time when they were younger because it was unhealthy for them at their age, kids as young adults saw the difference in treatment/behavior), all came to a point where mother and sister were confronted by self and sibling (also with kids treated differently). Evidence was shown. Everything laid out. Healing and understanding proceeds.
Yeah, except next day, sister pulls family from family vacation, and mother has ever since refuted the different treatment, while playing weird other mind games. I haven't cut them out of my life, but I do limit it generally. Any slights or otherwise that occur, I just let pass - water off the back, and share a roll of the eyes smile with my wife. (my sister actually did cut us out for a long while, lying to her kids about us, until - surprise she needed us for something.. which, well, involved her kids, so I wasn't going to punish them for it).
Why do I note all of this? We, as an adult that recognizes that some other person has issues, also need to realize that in many cases, they will never change for any variety of reasons. But, cutting my family out of my life would mainly be to 'prove' something to them, which, well, they're never going to admit or think they were 'in the wrong' so what's the point?
We all accept things of people we care about that we wouldn't accept in other people. Now, you don't have to have any sort of relationship with your step mom, but seems you want to with your dad. And your siblings. You don't have to ignore bad behavior or things, but you can decide it's not going to affect you - rile you up or make you upset. You can call it out, and then move on like nothing happened because reacting and pushing back isn't going to change anything. It's not about winning or losing or making the person in the wrong admit they are wrong (which would be you winning/them losing). You win by being OK with what you know and do.
posted by rich at 7:13 AM on February 6 [1 favorite]
Best answer: There's a lot going on here. If we were buds I'd offer a hug.
One thing that stands out to me as both good and potentially complicating is your mention of your healing process around the prolonged abuse from your mom. I wonder if, now that your nervous system has finally been able to experience some actually relaxation, you feel like it is/you are highly sensitized to mistreatment? IME this is a thing that can happen- you can be really, really aware of the impact of things that you were previously numb or desensitized to as a survival or coping mechanism. It is really helpful in terms of creating the environment you need to heal, and in the time before it balances out there can be a tendency to prune draining or complicated people more aggressively than you'll eventually need to. Unfortunately for you, there are conflicting timelines here.
In any case, I agree that it might be worth it to engage with them more than you would if your dad was in good health. It seems possible to continue to process your relationship to them separately in therapy even as you do so. Stepmom can get basic cordial treatment for now, if for no other reason than that it is in your strategic best interest; she's not entitled to your love or friendship, and you can drop her for good when you no longer have to communicate about your dad. I'm glad you have a sister who sounds supportive. Processing abusive and neglectful family dynamics is hard, and so is losing someone you care about even when they haven't done right by you. Wishing you the best.
posted by wormtales at 9:21 AM on February 6 [4 favorites]
One thing that stands out to me as both good and potentially complicating is your mention of your healing process around the prolonged abuse from your mom. I wonder if, now that your nervous system has finally been able to experience some actually relaxation, you feel like it is/you are highly sensitized to mistreatment? IME this is a thing that can happen- you can be really, really aware of the impact of things that you were previously numb or desensitized to as a survival or coping mechanism. It is really helpful in terms of creating the environment you need to heal, and in the time before it balances out there can be a tendency to prune draining or complicated people more aggressively than you'll eventually need to. Unfortunately for you, there are conflicting timelines here.
In any case, I agree that it might be worth it to engage with them more than you would if your dad was in good health. It seems possible to continue to process your relationship to them separately in therapy even as you do so. Stepmom can get basic cordial treatment for now, if for no other reason than that it is in your strategic best interest; she's not entitled to your love or friendship, and you can drop her for good when you no longer have to communicate about your dad. I'm glad you have a sister who sounds supportive. Processing abusive and neglectful family dynamics is hard, and so is losing someone you care about even when they haven't done right by you. Wishing you the best.
posted by wormtales at 9:21 AM on February 6 [4 favorites]
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posted by sm1tten at 9:12 AM on February 5 [40 favorites]