Why does accepting help feel so scary?
December 9, 2023 1:57 PM Subscribe
Asking for help is hard for me. I have recently begun to understand that, for reasons, I don't feel like relying on others is safe. There are a couple of big things coming down that pike that I NEED help with. How can I better understand and change this fear/belief?
I have learned how to be independent and DIY because, in part, I could never be assured that my needs would be met by others (parents, spouse, kids, community, repair techs). This is a long-running theme, and (yay me!) I have put together an eclectic set of skills and competencies. Throw in some hyper-vigilance and big responsibilities, and there I am, getting it done.
But when it comes to issues outside the scope of my daily life--things involving medical and dental care, or legal needs, or therapy--I am reluctant to put myself in other hands. The vulnerability of being helped by professionals feels overwhelming, because they are in a position to deliver bad news or provide inadequate service. I expect things to go badly ("The mechanic will miss something," or "The doctor has no answers," or "I am going to spend money on a fruitless process" kind of thing, all of which have happened). Behind that fear is a belief that I don't deserve the help, and should be punished somehow for asking for a kind of care. It leaves me paralyzed.
There are several major life things coming up in my near future. They're too big for me to handle alone; I know I need expert help, and have made some initial arrangements. But making the final calls to start these processes in motion is proving too much for me. I am really scared to accept help, because being cared for feels terrifying (and unpredictable). I know this isn't healthy and it sure isn't helpful.
How can I better understand what's holding me back here? How can I get up the gumption to start the ball rolling? ("Just do it" is not helpful advice. If I could, I would, as I do in other areas of my life. This one makes me cry.) If this is something you have grappled with successfully, what changed your thinking about it? Is there something I should be reading about this internal dynamic? [Internal Family Systems is proving...challenging.] I want to understand it so I can Do the Damn Things and not leave myself in limbo, and maybe, y'know, learn to be okay with being cared for more broadly. And even though asking makes me uncomfortable, here I am, MetaFilter, asking for help. Thank you.
I have learned how to be independent and DIY because, in part, I could never be assured that my needs would be met by others (parents, spouse, kids, community, repair techs). This is a long-running theme, and (yay me!) I have put together an eclectic set of skills and competencies. Throw in some hyper-vigilance and big responsibilities, and there I am, getting it done.
But when it comes to issues outside the scope of my daily life--things involving medical and dental care, or legal needs, or therapy--I am reluctant to put myself in other hands. The vulnerability of being helped by professionals feels overwhelming, because they are in a position to deliver bad news or provide inadequate service. I expect things to go badly ("The mechanic will miss something," or "The doctor has no answers," or "I am going to spend money on a fruitless process" kind of thing, all of which have happened). Behind that fear is a belief that I don't deserve the help, and should be punished somehow for asking for a kind of care. It leaves me paralyzed.
There are several major life things coming up in my near future. They're too big for me to handle alone; I know I need expert help, and have made some initial arrangements. But making the final calls to start these processes in motion is proving too much for me. I am really scared to accept help, because being cared for feels terrifying (and unpredictable). I know this isn't healthy and it sure isn't helpful.
How can I better understand what's holding me back here? How can I get up the gumption to start the ball rolling? ("Just do it" is not helpful advice. If I could, I would, as I do in other areas of my life. This one makes me cry.) If this is something you have grappled with successfully, what changed your thinking about it? Is there something I should be reading about this internal dynamic? [Internal Family Systems is proving...challenging.] I want to understand it so I can Do the Damn Things and not leave myself in limbo, and maybe, y'know, learn to be okay with being cared for more broadly. And even though asking makes me uncomfortable, here I am, MetaFilter, asking for help. Thank you.
Accepting help is hard because you're expressing vulnerability. There is something you can't do and you're relying on someone else to do it so it's out of your control. That is scary! I can absolutely relate.
But I have found most people are going to be kind, overall. Not everyone, of course, but enough of them.
Two random examples from my life:
-I went to the dentist after a long time of neglect and one of the dentists said "We're so glad you want to take care of your teeth." That felt a like a very genuine thing. I wasn't being judged but praised for doing this hard thing.
-I was buying a used car and I didn't have very good credit (but good enough to be approved). For reasons, I just went through the dealership (they were offering terms as good as what I'd gotten elsewhere so it just seemed easier). The loan officer said "this will really help you rebuild your credit." He didn't say it like "your credit rating sucks so you're a terrible person" but like "good for you for taking this step."
I've been in some situations lately where I had no choice but to ask for help and I was amazed at how quickly people were just "tell me where to be and when." Yes, these were friends, so that was different, but it has taught me that people will absolutely help without asking questions.
When you're working with people like mechanics or doctors, say, you're paying them. You have the control. Just think about that you're actually in charge. Yes, I know it can be scary because they (may) know more than you, but you deserve to have a good experience. They are there to provide you with a service. They're not "helping" you. They're doing what you're paying them to do.
I absolutely struggle with all of this but framing it that way has definitely been a good step. With friends, they want to support me because they care so they'll step up. With people I'm paying for something, well, that's their jobs. That's what they're supposed to be doing.
(This may not always be possible, but I have also found if I can get some initial information anonymously -- like through a throwaway email address or whatever -- it makes me feel more empowered to go onto the next step. I can approach a situation knowing enough to ask better questions.)
posted by edencosmic at 3:39 PM on December 9, 2023 [8 favorites]
But I have found most people are going to be kind, overall. Not everyone, of course, but enough of them.
Two random examples from my life:
-I went to the dentist after a long time of neglect and one of the dentists said "We're so glad you want to take care of your teeth." That felt a like a very genuine thing. I wasn't being judged but praised for doing this hard thing.
-I was buying a used car and I didn't have very good credit (but good enough to be approved). For reasons, I just went through the dealership (they were offering terms as good as what I'd gotten elsewhere so it just seemed easier). The loan officer said "this will really help you rebuild your credit." He didn't say it like "your credit rating sucks so you're a terrible person" but like "good for you for taking this step."
I've been in some situations lately where I had no choice but to ask for help and I was amazed at how quickly people were just "tell me where to be and when." Yes, these were friends, so that was different, but it has taught me that people will absolutely help without asking questions.
When you're working with people like mechanics or doctors, say, you're paying them. You have the control. Just think about that you're actually in charge. Yes, I know it can be scary because they (may) know more than you, but you deserve to have a good experience. They are there to provide you with a service. They're not "helping" you. They're doing what you're paying them to do.
I absolutely struggle with all of this but framing it that way has definitely been a good step. With friends, they want to support me because they care so they'll step up. With people I'm paying for something, well, that's their jobs. That's what they're supposed to be doing.
(This may not always be possible, but I have also found if I can get some initial information anonymously -- like through a throwaway email address or whatever -- it makes me feel more empowered to go onto the next step. I can approach a situation knowing enough to ask better questions.)
posted by edencosmic at 3:39 PM on December 9, 2023 [8 favorites]
So this is a guess, discard it if it doesn't fit you, but... do you have the scripts for whatever you're heading into? Do you have a sense in your head of how it's going to go?
My difficulties with accepting help come from a family of origin and an ex-husband for whom any request was an imposition and how dare I. This means -- and I have really been noticing this the last several weeks, as I dig out from under a sudden health crisis where I had no choice whatever but to accept a lot of help -- that I resort to minimizing myself and apologizing for everything, because those are the scripts that are burned into my brain, and it's hard to figure out new and better ones in the moment (what with the Everything and all).
So, if this sounds familiar, one thing that may help is finding out more about how these encounters (whatever they are) usually work. AskMeFi is actually a pretty cool place to do that -- I was a lot less stressed about my first colonoscopy earlier this year because there are several excellent threads here about How Those Go. And that let me do the thing because I had a script in my head for How The Thing Is Done.
posted by humbug at 5:03 PM on December 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
My difficulties with accepting help come from a family of origin and an ex-husband for whom any request was an imposition and how dare I. This means -- and I have really been noticing this the last several weeks, as I dig out from under a sudden health crisis where I had no choice whatever but to accept a lot of help -- that I resort to minimizing myself and apologizing for everything, because those are the scripts that are burned into my brain, and it's hard to figure out new and better ones in the moment (what with the Everything and all).
So, if this sounds familiar, one thing that may help is finding out more about how these encounters (whatever they are) usually work. AskMeFi is actually a pretty cool place to do that -- I was a lot less stressed about my first colonoscopy earlier this year because there are several excellent threads here about How Those Go. And that let me do the thing because I had a script in my head for How The Thing Is Done.
posted by humbug at 5:03 PM on December 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
I've experienced some very similar things as far as not feeling that it's safe to rely on others, or even ask for their help, and I, too, developed a lot of skills, competencies, and hypervigilance to get through. I also recognized, like you, that getting by on my own wasn't enough.
I'm still working on it, and honestly I expect this will be part of my life in some way or another forever. I think of the work I'm doing as maybe three different tracks.
One is, sometimes I just absolutely need help and can't ask for it, or can't trust it -- which sounds like the "big things" that you see coming. For these situations, I've been helped by cognitive-behavioral therapy. In particular by exercises that involve thinking through and articulating what the immediate issue is, what you believe you need to do but find difficult/impossible (finding a lawyer/doctor/plumber, for example), and then articulating what might happen if you take that difficult step: what's the worst thing that can happen? How bad would that be? What's more likely to happen? What if something good happens? Also, breaking down the big things into smaller things, or pre-planning spaces of emotional safety around the difficult interactions. For example, you have a high-stakes medical appointment coming up, so you make a plan to get ice cream afterwards and see a friend that evening to debrief. I also find that accountability helps: I tell someone close to me that I need to do a thing and could they ask me in a week if I've done it. If you are dealing with a situation that there might be support groups about, or even a subreddit or something, you might take it there -- you'll quickly find out that you're far from the only person who finds it hard to get help with that issue. Basically, this track involves whatever techniques and tricks you need to actually seek and accept the help.
Track two, I've been learning about the sources of this inability to accept help or feel worthy of help in my life. In my case, I've found that my parents were (to various degrees at different times) emotionally abusive and neglectful. They didn't mean to be. But they just fundamentally didn't respond to my needs when I was very young, and in fact sometimes responded the opposite of how I needed them to, which taught me not to seek help or feel like I even could be helped. This has been intense work with a good therapist.
Track three, I've been learning to trust and ask for help. Most of this is also happening in therapy right now, but also as others have said, you can look for those positive experiences of help and kindness in your life, with strangers and with people close to you. In therapy, for me this has meant talking a lot with my therapist about how I feel about them, especially when I'm feeling vulnerable, defensive, untrusting, or unworthy of their assistance. The capacity to trust builds slowly. This in turn helps with the immediate work of track one, although I think it's still important for me to have a bag of tricks when I'm not feeling trusting but still have to rely on someone.
posted by unreadyhero at 5:23 PM on December 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
I'm still working on it, and honestly I expect this will be part of my life in some way or another forever. I think of the work I'm doing as maybe three different tracks.
One is, sometimes I just absolutely need help and can't ask for it, or can't trust it -- which sounds like the "big things" that you see coming. For these situations, I've been helped by cognitive-behavioral therapy. In particular by exercises that involve thinking through and articulating what the immediate issue is, what you believe you need to do but find difficult/impossible (finding a lawyer/doctor/plumber, for example), and then articulating what might happen if you take that difficult step: what's the worst thing that can happen? How bad would that be? What's more likely to happen? What if something good happens? Also, breaking down the big things into smaller things, or pre-planning spaces of emotional safety around the difficult interactions. For example, you have a high-stakes medical appointment coming up, so you make a plan to get ice cream afterwards and see a friend that evening to debrief. I also find that accountability helps: I tell someone close to me that I need to do a thing and could they ask me in a week if I've done it. If you are dealing with a situation that there might be support groups about, or even a subreddit or something, you might take it there -- you'll quickly find out that you're far from the only person who finds it hard to get help with that issue. Basically, this track involves whatever techniques and tricks you need to actually seek and accept the help.
Track two, I've been learning about the sources of this inability to accept help or feel worthy of help in my life. In my case, I've found that my parents were (to various degrees at different times) emotionally abusive and neglectful. They didn't mean to be. But they just fundamentally didn't respond to my needs when I was very young, and in fact sometimes responded the opposite of how I needed them to, which taught me not to seek help or feel like I even could be helped. This has been intense work with a good therapist.
Track three, I've been learning to trust and ask for help. Most of this is also happening in therapy right now, but also as others have said, you can look for those positive experiences of help and kindness in your life, with strangers and with people close to you. In therapy, for me this has meant talking a lot with my therapist about how I feel about them, especially when I'm feeling vulnerable, defensive, untrusting, or unworthy of their assistance. The capacity to trust builds slowly. This in turn helps with the immediate work of track one, although I think it's still important for me to have a bag of tricks when I'm not feeling trusting but still have to rely on someone.
posted by unreadyhero at 5:23 PM on December 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
One approach you could take is to use your independence and research skills to ensure that you are in a situation that make you feel comfortable.
With respect to medical issues, I really gravitate toward research doctors and hospitals connected with universities. In my experience, these medical professionals are so bright and caring toward their patients and students; these doctors could make a lot more money in some private setting, but they have devoted their lives to very difficult research, teaching and clinical practice.
Many hospitals will have patient advocates that will assist you with understanding the procedures and navigating insurance issues. In addition support care such as getting transport and aftercare or home healthcare can be arranged through these channels.
One nice thing about this method is that those affiliated with your situation will be much more knowledgeable about what you need and how to make the best choice, and you will know more about what to expect from your treatment. There are a lot of online information sources such as Medline Plus (the National Library of Medicine) or NHS in the UK that has a lot of reliable information and resources so you can read up and be well informed about what you want.
You do deserve caring and compassionate treatment. I hope there is some helpful information that is actionable for you here.
posted by effluvia at 7:31 PM on December 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
With respect to medical issues, I really gravitate toward research doctors and hospitals connected with universities. In my experience, these medical professionals are so bright and caring toward their patients and students; these doctors could make a lot more money in some private setting, but they have devoted their lives to very difficult research, teaching and clinical practice.
Many hospitals will have patient advocates that will assist you with understanding the procedures and navigating insurance issues. In addition support care such as getting transport and aftercare or home healthcare can be arranged through these channels.
One nice thing about this method is that those affiliated with your situation will be much more knowledgeable about what you need and how to make the best choice, and you will know more about what to expect from your treatment. There are a lot of online information sources such as Medline Plus (the National Library of Medicine) or NHS in the UK that has a lot of reliable information and resources so you can read up and be well informed about what you want.
You do deserve caring and compassionate treatment. I hope there is some helpful information that is actionable for you here.
posted by effluvia at 7:31 PM on December 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
I've been working a lot with this aspect of myself lately, so let me just go ahead and project all my issues on you.
I don't feel like relying on others is safe.
It's not. No one is ever going to protect your interests like you do. They can and sometimes will fail.
If you're like me you learned this the hard way, when the people who were supposed to be meeting your needs never really understood what those needs were. So instead you (as younger people often do) made a virtue of necessity and framed things such that virtuous people take care of everything themselves. And as result, requiring help is morally shameful.
American culture reinforces this idea. People relying on each other sounds very much like ... [spits] ... socialism.
But there comes a time when you realize you can't perform your own appendectomy, or in fact many of the specialized jobs that take years to learn. You need help.
My approach with people there is to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. About 90% of the time people are honest and at least somewhat competent; the other 10% of the time my preparations allow me to cut things off before too much harm is done. The Russian proverb "Trust but verify" has worked out very well for me.
Much more recently I've dipped my toe into trusting people to be available when I would like emotional support. So far what I've managed is a provisional trust in very much the same vein. I've hoped for the best but had contingency plans for things falling through.
I think the key thing I tell myself is that I'm asking for (or accepting) help because it's a lot more convenient than doing it myself. I don't actually need someone else's help, I'm just being efficient with resources. It's not necessarily true, but it's what lets me get around the moral injunction.
Some day I hope to get past this and drop "complete self-sufficiency" as a virtue completely. But until then I'm getting by with provisional trust.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:16 PM on December 9, 2023 [9 favorites]
I don't feel like relying on others is safe.
It's not. No one is ever going to protect your interests like you do. They can and sometimes will fail.
If you're like me you learned this the hard way, when the people who were supposed to be meeting your needs never really understood what those needs were. So instead you (as younger people often do) made a virtue of necessity and framed things such that virtuous people take care of everything themselves. And as result, requiring help is morally shameful.
American culture reinforces this idea. People relying on each other sounds very much like ... [spits] ... socialism.
But there comes a time when you realize you can't perform your own appendectomy, or in fact many of the specialized jobs that take years to learn. You need help.
My approach with people there is to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. About 90% of the time people are honest and at least somewhat competent; the other 10% of the time my preparations allow me to cut things off before too much harm is done. The Russian proverb "Trust but verify" has worked out very well for me.
Much more recently I've dipped my toe into trusting people to be available when I would like emotional support. So far what I've managed is a provisional trust in very much the same vein. I've hoped for the best but had contingency plans for things falling through.
I think the key thing I tell myself is that I'm asking for (or accepting) help because it's a lot more convenient than doing it myself. I don't actually need someone else's help, I'm just being efficient with resources. It's not necessarily true, but it's what lets me get around the moral injunction.
Some day I hope to get past this and drop "complete self-sufficiency" as a virtue completely. But until then I'm getting by with provisional trust.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:16 PM on December 9, 2023 [9 favorites]
Mod note: [btw, this post has been added to the sidebar and Best Of blog]
posted by taz (staff) at 1:29 AM on December 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by taz (staff) at 1:29 AM on December 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
I think it can be helpful to really dig into what is behind your fear of asking for help. For the record, I 100% relate to this, and it's been a massive struggle for me over the last few years b/c I've had some serious chronic health problems that have made it impossible for me to be self sufficient as I used to be.
In case any of this helps, here are some of the reasons I struggle to ask for/accept help. Maybe you'll find you relate to some of this:
- I worry about becoming reliant on other people's help. That they will suddenly abandon me or fail me when I am at my lowest point and most need their help. (For good reason - this exact thing has happened to me before.)
- I had a parent who would always offer help, but then use it to control me. Like, "I did X for you, so now you have no choice but to do Y and Z for me." (And X was usually things like, "Drove you to school as a kid, fed you, etc", you know, baseline child care.) And also that same parent would often express resentment, even when help was freely offered. So I really worry about becoming indebted to other people, or that they'll resent me, or that they'll ask something of me in return that I can't/don't want to give.
- I feel like I don't deserve help. (See above - having parents constantly act like providing basic care when I was a child is some huge burden definitely doesn't help. Lots of other messed up abuse added on to this.)
- With doctors and other professionals, I also worry about them just being unable to help me. I have complicated medical problems, and also complicated mental health problems, and there is something really horrible about seeking help, only to realize that no one can help you. Not b/c they aren't trying but just b/c...no one can figure out how. It's lonely and scary and horrible.
- I have PTSD, so I think there's also a sort of primitive "lizard brain" element of this, where it's like, I don't want to be the injured gazelle left behind by the rest of the herd. Asking for help, admitting weakness, being vulnerable - there's just some deep part of me that feels like that vulnerability is dangerous. Like it means I'll be the one lions pick off from the herd. (Not saying this is rational, but it's definitely there, in some nebulous way.)
- Putting myself out there to ask for help means that the other person might say no. And that rejection can feel painful.
I have spent years working with a therapist to unpack some of this stuff. I'm still not great at it. To a certain extent, being forced to seek this help - b/c it was ask for help or starve or lose my job or be so sick I can't get out of bed - it gave me no choice but to expose me to this. But I still struggle with this.
posted by litera scripta manet at 7:25 AM on December 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
In case any of this helps, here are some of the reasons I struggle to ask for/accept help. Maybe you'll find you relate to some of this:
- I worry about becoming reliant on other people's help. That they will suddenly abandon me or fail me when I am at my lowest point and most need their help. (For good reason - this exact thing has happened to me before.)
- I had a parent who would always offer help, but then use it to control me. Like, "I did X for you, so now you have no choice but to do Y and Z for me." (And X was usually things like, "Drove you to school as a kid, fed you, etc", you know, baseline child care.) And also that same parent would often express resentment, even when help was freely offered. So I really worry about becoming indebted to other people, or that they'll resent me, or that they'll ask something of me in return that I can't/don't want to give.
- I feel like I don't deserve help. (See above - having parents constantly act like providing basic care when I was a child is some huge burden definitely doesn't help. Lots of other messed up abuse added on to this.)
- With doctors and other professionals, I also worry about them just being unable to help me. I have complicated medical problems, and also complicated mental health problems, and there is something really horrible about seeking help, only to realize that no one can help you. Not b/c they aren't trying but just b/c...no one can figure out how. It's lonely and scary and horrible.
- I have PTSD, so I think there's also a sort of primitive "lizard brain" element of this, where it's like, I don't want to be the injured gazelle left behind by the rest of the herd. Asking for help, admitting weakness, being vulnerable - there's just some deep part of me that feels like that vulnerability is dangerous. Like it means I'll be the one lions pick off from the herd. (Not saying this is rational, but it's definitely there, in some nebulous way.)
- Putting myself out there to ask for help means that the other person might say no. And that rejection can feel painful.
I have spent years working with a therapist to unpack some of this stuff. I'm still not great at it. To a certain extent, being forced to seek this help - b/c it was ask for help or starve or lose my job or be so sick I can't get out of bed - it gave me no choice but to expose me to this. But I still struggle with this.
posted by litera scripta manet at 7:25 AM on December 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
Lots of great advice here. I was also let down and left to struggle with things as a kid, and deal with similar trust and vulnerability issues as a result.
One thing that helps me is to remind myself that I'm no longer a vulnerable child, and I have a lot more options available to me now than I did then. For example, if the doctor can't find the problem, I can go to another one. I can research garages to find the one with the best track record of efficient service. If I'm relying on somebody for transportation somewhere, I can ask to leave early enough that I can go to plan B (which I will have researched in advance) on the off-chance that they cancel at the last minute. And so on.
It might sound counterintuitive, but spending some time thinking about what really can go wrong, and the ways you could deal with it, might make these things less intimidating.
posted by rpfields at 9:45 AM on December 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
One thing that helps me is to remind myself that I'm no longer a vulnerable child, and I have a lot more options available to me now than I did then. For example, if the doctor can't find the problem, I can go to another one. I can research garages to find the one with the best track record of efficient service. If I'm relying on somebody for transportation somewhere, I can ask to leave early enough that I can go to plan B (which I will have researched in advance) on the off-chance that they cancel at the last minute. And so on.
It might sound counterintuitive, but spending some time thinking about what really can go wrong, and the ways you could deal with it, might make these things less intimidating.
posted by rpfields at 9:45 AM on December 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
Q: Why does accepting help feel so scary?
A: IMHO there is some element of fear of loss of control... either directly (the doctor won't listen to me) or indirectly (the doctor represents the unknown of learning that I have some scary disease).
FWIW I think this is a common philosophical conundrum among humans. Some try to grapple with this question with religion (e.g. serenity prayer), philosophy, the scientific method, and so on.
It's not possible for one person to be an expert about everything. Even captains of cargo and cruise ships will pick up a local guide when trying to navigate in difficult coastal waters. You deserve the benefit of a trustworthy guide when you are in your own challenging situations.
Regarding medical treatment... You (presumably) didn't go to medschool... a degree from WebMD doesn't count. However, your doctor did. Moreover, you are an expert about your own body. And together, you and your doctor make up a great team... maximizing the chance of the best outcome than either one of you would have on your own. And just because you have your doctor as a teammate, doesn't mean you can't tell your doctor "no", or "I'm going to get a second opinion on this, before making a decision."
Regarding visiting the mechanic...Presumably you don't have formal training in this domain and you haven't spent years honing your skills. A good mechanic can help you catch small problems before they become bigger ones. If you aren't sure you have a good mechanic, ask folks you know (and whose opinions you trust) if they have a mechanic to recommend.
What advice would you give dear friends or family members if they were in your position? Write that down. Can you help this friend or family member identify some blockers? Consider sharing what you wrote down (or this post) with someone close to you.
If you are not quite ready to take action on behalf of yourself, could you do it to be your best self for someone else? For spite?
Consider brainstorming examples in your life when "learning the truth" ended up being a weight of your shoulders. In addition, consider doing reading/watching media about folks working hard and spending years developing their expertise in a particular domain. Appreciate the effort and the output.
posted by oceano at 12:00 PM on December 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
A: IMHO there is some element of fear of loss of control... either directly (the doctor won't listen to me) or indirectly (the doctor represents the unknown of learning that I have some scary disease).
FWIW I think this is a common philosophical conundrum among humans. Some try to grapple with this question with religion (e.g. serenity prayer), philosophy, the scientific method, and so on.
It's not possible for one person to be an expert about everything. Even captains of cargo and cruise ships will pick up a local guide when trying to navigate in difficult coastal waters. You deserve the benefit of a trustworthy guide when you are in your own challenging situations.
Regarding medical treatment... You (presumably) didn't go to medschool... a degree from WebMD doesn't count. However, your doctor did. Moreover, you are an expert about your own body. And together, you and your doctor make up a great team... maximizing the chance of the best outcome than either one of you would have on your own. And just because you have your doctor as a teammate, doesn't mean you can't tell your doctor "no", or "I'm going to get a second opinion on this, before making a decision."
Regarding visiting the mechanic...Presumably you don't have formal training in this domain and you haven't spent years honing your skills. A good mechanic can help you catch small problems before they become bigger ones. If you aren't sure you have a good mechanic, ask folks you know (and whose opinions you trust) if they have a mechanic to recommend.
What advice would you give dear friends or family members if they were in your position? Write that down. Can you help this friend or family member identify some blockers? Consider sharing what you wrote down (or this post) with someone close to you.
If you are not quite ready to take action on behalf of yourself, could you do it to be your best self for someone else? For spite?
Consider brainstorming examples in your life when "learning the truth" ended up being a weight of your shoulders. In addition, consider doing reading/watching media about folks working hard and spending years developing their expertise in a particular domain. Appreciate the effort and the output.
posted by oceano at 12:00 PM on December 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
The core belief that's limiting you is that you are re hoping for care in contexts where you need a favor or a service. It's devastating to ask for care as a child or a spouse and then be denied. It's upsetting to ask for a favor of a friend or acquaintance or coworker and be denied. It's annoying to request a service and receive bad service.
As a child your family was responsible for all of your needs, so all these levels of requests got blended together and you learned not to ask for any of it, whether it be care, favors or services. "Comfort me" equalled "reach that for me" equalled "sign this permission slip".
As an adult now you have to intentionally assign these requests to their appropriate categories.
Practically how it works is backup plans and redundancies so you don't get blindsided by relying too hard on one person.
This can mean looking up multiple dentists, doctors, lawyers, roofers, plumbers etc. It probably feels impossible to call multiple providers when you can't even call one, but having backups and options ultimately takes the stress off. Then when you get the next step of going to the appointment if you don't like the provider or can't make yourself go then you know you have the option of going to someone else. You dont have to rely entirely on one perfect phone call for one perfect outcome.
posted by jello at 10:50 AM on December 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
As a child your family was responsible for all of your needs, so all these levels of requests got blended together and you learned not to ask for any of it, whether it be care, favors or services. "Comfort me" equalled "reach that for me" equalled "sign this permission slip".
As an adult now you have to intentionally assign these requests to their appropriate categories.
Practically how it works is backup plans and redundancies so you don't get blindsided by relying too hard on one person.
This can mean looking up multiple dentists, doctors, lawyers, roofers, plumbers etc. It probably feels impossible to call multiple providers when you can't even call one, but having backups and options ultimately takes the stress off. Then when you get the next step of going to the appointment if you don't like the provider or can't make yourself go then you know you have the option of going to someone else. You dont have to rely entirely on one perfect phone call for one perfect outcome.
posted by jello at 10:50 AM on December 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
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Once when I was sick, I asked a neighbour I didn’t know very well if she might be able to pick me up some bread from the store, and I felt like it was a huge imposition because I needed it so badly that it was a big deal for me. But she did it so lightly, and happily (and even refused money for it) that I was forced to admit to myself that it was no big deal, and that in fact mutual support is what holds our world together. That I was actually being a bit odd by being so ridiculously penitent for having inconvenienced her, when it was… a loaf of bread from a store 10 minutes away.
Sometimes empirical practice is a much more effective teacher than just being all in your head trying to persuade yourself to feel differently about something.
Obviously it sounds like you’re talking about more than just a little light grocery shopping, but practice really does help, and it makes sense to start with the small stuff.
posted by penguin pie at 3:22 PM on December 9, 2023 [20 favorites]