Mother problems
August 30, 2023 8:15 AM Subscribe
YANMMD.
My mother has never been in the best of health. I think from 2010, she’s always been reporting body aches, very bad eyesight, cannot sleep at night. Lately it has gotten a lot worse. I would say from the start of this year, things have gotten bad. But seriously, the issue became BAD sometime after May—back then she still seemed OK. I don’t know what it is.
She’s 65. Every day now, she’s extremely tired. Hands and feet hurt a lot. The most alarming thing is that in June, she told me to get a dentist’s appointment. I told her the date of the appointment and then forgot to go on the day. Normally she would remember a couple of hours after the appointment and be like, “You were supposed to go, omg.” She never remembered, even after I had to go to my make-up appointment in August.
And she described to me, what her mind feels like now.
Here are a couple of her descriptions:
“My mind feels like one of those clouds you see in a cartoon. It’s one big cloud and then it splits into nine small clouds.”
She can’t focus, her memory is really bad now.
Also, I feel that she has been getting increasingly more irrational. She listens to fortune tellers a tonne. Has been for years but now she’s just paying these people to read my Bazi (Chinese birth chart) to see what sort of job I should do. This is giving me grief in other ways but I’m wondering if the increasing irrational love of This is connected to mental decline.
I’ve been having issues at my job. Underperformance. Strong chance to be fired. I keep saying that I hate it.
Today I got back home and bitched about stuff and she was visibly upset. She says its because I’m going to lose my job and its going to be bad for me. And honestly, I think that’s what she thinks. I’ve spent years of my life not doing anything that is good for me. But I have seen her like this before, one time when I was ten, she had suffered a back injury and my dad was supremely unsupportive and just being a shit.
Basically, what I’m saying is, she thinks its MY situation which causes her misery. But I can see that the health issues are affecting her mood. I don’t know how to make her see a doctor, because she won’t want to go and I can’t get leave to bring her.
I think it’s important to get a handle on the issues ASAP. I told my dad about it today and he just … acted like he didn’t hear me. Maybe he’s got memory issues too. I hope not. I feel like the entire house has been collapsing around me for years, I was just too self-absorbed to notice.
So, has anyone else been on this journey before, and what is a good plan for a person with not a lot of money and no free time?
Also, guys, does this mean she is going to get a stroke soon?
She’s 65. Every day now, she’s extremely tired. Hands and feet hurt a lot. The most alarming thing is that in June, she told me to get a dentist’s appointment. I told her the date of the appointment and then forgot to go on the day. Normally she would remember a couple of hours after the appointment and be like, “You were supposed to go, omg.” She never remembered, even after I had to go to my make-up appointment in August.
And she described to me, what her mind feels like now.
Here are a couple of her descriptions:
“My mind feels like one of those clouds you see in a cartoon. It’s one big cloud and then it splits into nine small clouds.”
She can’t focus, her memory is really bad now.
Also, I feel that she has been getting increasingly more irrational. She listens to fortune tellers a tonne. Has been for years but now she’s just paying these people to read my Bazi (Chinese birth chart) to see what sort of job I should do. This is giving me grief in other ways but I’m wondering if the increasing irrational love of This is connected to mental decline.
I’ve been having issues at my job. Underperformance. Strong chance to be fired. I keep saying that I hate it.
Today I got back home and bitched about stuff and she was visibly upset. She says its because I’m going to lose my job and its going to be bad for me. And honestly, I think that’s what she thinks. I’ve spent years of my life not doing anything that is good for me. But I have seen her like this before, one time when I was ten, she had suffered a back injury and my dad was supremely unsupportive and just being a shit.
Basically, what I’m saying is, she thinks its MY situation which causes her misery. But I can see that the health issues are affecting her mood. I don’t know how to make her see a doctor, because she won’t want to go and I can’t get leave to bring her.
I think it’s important to get a handle on the issues ASAP. I told my dad about it today and he just … acted like he didn’t hear me. Maybe he’s got memory issues too. I hope not. I feel like the entire house has been collapsing around me for years, I was just too self-absorbed to notice.
So, has anyone else been on this journey before, and what is a good plan for a person with not a lot of money and no free time?
Also, guys, does this mean she is going to get a stroke soon?
Response by poster: I'm in Singapore. I think the challenge is in finding the money and convincing my mother to work with me on this.
posted by Didnt_do_enough at 8:43 AM on August 30, 2023
posted by Didnt_do_enough at 8:43 AM on August 30, 2023
given her age, it's very possible it's menopause related. perimenopause usually hits in the 40s-early 50s, with cessation of menstruation in the 50s (this is all USUAL, there are outliers!). she may be suffering from lack of estrogen etc. regardless of the possible cause you should get her to the doctor for a check up.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 8:54 AM on August 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by misanthropicsarah at 8:54 AM on August 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Given that she thinks that your health issues are affecting her, could you maybe make a doctors appointment/ check up for yourself and for her? Get her to support you going to the doctor (she may feel that you need it). Then keep on that bandwagon to get her in as well. Get back-to-back appointments if at all possible. You say you can't get the time off to go with her. Are there any weekend drop-in clinics? Or can you swap hours so you go to the doctor in the morning and work later?
I don't think her symptoms are just old age, or something you need to live with. But unfortunately, it sounds like this battle is yours alone to fight if your dad and mom aren't interested in helping your mom. You may need to do some meditation on accepting your mom as she wants to be.
One last thing to watch for: Urinary Tract Infections can become more common as we get older, and they can present in unexpected ways, like confusion or agitation.
posted by hydra77 at 9:12 AM on August 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
I don't think her symptoms are just old age, or something you need to live with. But unfortunately, it sounds like this battle is yours alone to fight if your dad and mom aren't interested in helping your mom. You may need to do some meditation on accepting your mom as she wants to be.
One last thing to watch for: Urinary Tract Infections can become more common as we get older, and they can present in unexpected ways, like confusion or agitation.
posted by hydra77 at 9:12 AM on August 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
A few scattered ideas, based on having parents who are older than yours who are living in Korea.
- If she doesn't already go to the neighborhood senior programs, nudge her to go for social and intellectual stimulation. My mom has been taking poetry classes and most recently signed up for the emoji design class.
- If there are opticians/eyeglasses purveyors with open hours past the time you get home, go with her to get her eyes tested (if that has happened recently) and/or pick out a fun inexpensive new pair of glasses. Eyes will get worse, but having a good pair of reading glasses, or better bifocals will help!
- Brain fog might be related to covid or other post-viral conditions. Would there be a neighborhood pharmacist who could suggest some vitamins (short term or cheap) or a traditional Chinese medicine doctor nearby? While I'm lukewarm on herbal supplements and traditional chinese medicine, there is a lot of value in getting some empathetic care and a course of action.
- Lastly I think you might want to dial back on job-related complaints with your mom and just tell her small good things about your day. A delicious lunch? A funny story from a coworker? Something that went well work-wise? When I am super down (emotionally, personally, career-wise), I try to present a much more selective slice of my life to my parents. Granted I don't live with them, so this is all done via Kakao messaging/video chats, but I send them pictures of the sunset, a new park I walked to, a good dessert I got etc. My parents aren't tricked, it's usually obvious when I am depressed, but I try to give them (and me) something pleasant to ponder.
posted by spamandkimchi at 9:20 AM on August 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
- If she doesn't already go to the neighborhood senior programs, nudge her to go for social and intellectual stimulation. My mom has been taking poetry classes and most recently signed up for the emoji design class.
- If there are opticians/eyeglasses purveyors with open hours past the time you get home, go with her to get her eyes tested (if that has happened recently) and/or pick out a fun inexpensive new pair of glasses. Eyes will get worse, but having a good pair of reading glasses, or better bifocals will help!
- Brain fog might be related to covid or other post-viral conditions. Would there be a neighborhood pharmacist who could suggest some vitamins (short term or cheap) or a traditional Chinese medicine doctor nearby? While I'm lukewarm on herbal supplements and traditional chinese medicine, there is a lot of value in getting some empathetic care and a course of action.
- Lastly I think you might want to dial back on job-related complaints with your mom and just tell her small good things about your day. A delicious lunch? A funny story from a coworker? Something that went well work-wise? When I am super down (emotionally, personally, career-wise), I try to present a much more selective slice of my life to my parents. Granted I don't live with them, so this is all done via Kakao messaging/video chats, but I send them pictures of the sunset, a new park I walked to, a good dessert I got etc. My parents aren't tricked, it's usually obvious when I am depressed, but I try to give them (and me) something pleasant to ponder.
posted by spamandkimchi at 9:20 AM on August 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
There are many many possible reasons for the symptoms you describe.
I think without a medical doctor it is impossible to say. Does she ever go see one? If she does not want to go see a doctor, is a telehealth appointment an option where you live? Or a house call? It will most likely be expensive i am afraid (it is expensive where i live), but i think that without a proper diagnosis and treatment whatever it is will not get better.
No one here can tell if she is likely to suffer a stroke. But: If you think that perhaps if you tell her that you are afraid she will have a stroke would it possibly motivate her to see a doctor in order to help you?
I am so sorry you are in this situation. I looked after my mother, who had many chronic health issues, also mental health issues, for many years. So i know it is very hard to get someone to see a doctor who does not want to, and also very expensive. But i also know from this experience that it is a priority to get a professional diagnosis and treatment before she deteriorates any further.
Wishing you much strength,
posted by 15L06 at 9:25 AM on August 30, 2023
I think without a medical doctor it is impossible to say. Does she ever go see one? If she does not want to go see a doctor, is a telehealth appointment an option where you live? Or a house call? It will most likely be expensive i am afraid (it is expensive where i live), but i think that without a proper diagnosis and treatment whatever it is will not get better.
No one here can tell if she is likely to suffer a stroke. But: If you think that perhaps if you tell her that you are afraid she will have a stroke would it possibly motivate her to see a doctor in order to help you?
I am so sorry you are in this situation. I looked after my mother, who had many chronic health issues, also mental health issues, for many years. So i know it is very hard to get someone to see a doctor who does not want to, and also very expensive. But i also know from this experience that it is a priority to get a professional diagnosis and treatment before she deteriorates any further.
Wishing you much strength,
posted by 15L06 at 9:25 AM on August 30, 2023
There are various things that could be causing your mother's symptoms that are super easy to diagnose (e.g., via a blood test) and super easy to entirely cure (e.g., with simple supplementation). Just off the top of my head, these include:
- iron-deficiency anaemia
- vitamin B12 deficiency
- thyroid deficiency
Any of these could cause the fatigue and brain fog that you describe. Wouldn't your mother like to feel energetic and clear-headed again? So simple and inexpensive to fix with just a quick visit to a doctor.
posted by heatherlogan at 10:08 AM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
- iron-deficiency anaemia
- vitamin B12 deficiency
- thyroid deficiency
Any of these could cause the fatigue and brain fog that you describe. Wouldn't your mother like to feel energetic and clear-headed again? So simple and inexpensive to fix with just a quick visit to a doctor.
posted by heatherlogan at 10:08 AM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
(The preceding was meant as a way that you could try to convince your mother to go to a doctor. Sorry if that wasn't clear.)
posted by heatherlogan at 10:22 AM on August 30, 2023
posted by heatherlogan at 10:22 AM on August 30, 2023
Just so the bases are covered: 65 would be young for dementia, but not so young that it’s impossible. Looks like the relevant support service near you may be Dementia Singapore. I do not know much about this specific org, but in the US, I would normally suggest that a person who is worried about the cognitive health of a parent have a conversation with our similar group.
I agree with others that there are several nonprogressive and/or easily treatable conditions that can also present with memory and judgment impairments, so if you have the ability to be involved in her medical care, it would be good to ensure those are raised with her doctor.
posted by eirias at 10:58 AM on August 30, 2023
I agree with others that there are several nonprogressive and/or easily treatable conditions that can also present with memory and judgment impairments, so if you have the ability to be involved in her medical care, it would be good to ensure those are raised with her doctor.
posted by eirias at 10:58 AM on August 30, 2023
Different cultural backgrounds give rise to different symptomatic reporting. Not directly relevant, but I recall a couple of studies some years ago that Asian Americans report "physical pain" in lieu of reporting major depression, or other maladies of the mind.
posted by porpoise at 12:07 PM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by porpoise at 12:07 PM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Different cultural background, but. Something very similar happened with my mom. I pushed her to go to the doctor, but not hard enough. She finally wound up in the hopsital, and it turned out she had advanced kidney cancer. Get her to the doctor for a physical and blood workup at a bare minimum.
posted by rednikki at 12:11 PM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by rednikki at 12:11 PM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Yes, a medical check-up is in order; probably for your dad, too. There are easily-addressed, minor health issues that could be causing your mom's difficulties. You mention risk-of-stroke concerns; here's how to check blood pressure at home. Regarding costs, apologies if you have this information already: Singapore's Ministry of Health has the "Screen for Life (SFL)" program through the Health Promotion Board, which offers steeply-discounted/subsidized testing.
Health Hub eligibility tool. Examples found via Googling: Health Screening Advisor's Elderly Package; Homage's info page has "CHAS Blue, CHAS Orange, and Merdeka Generation (MG) cardholders will only need to pay a fixed fee of $2 upfront under the SLF programme. On the other hand, CHAS Green card holders and all other Singaporeans will only need to pay $5. As for seniors who are part of the Pioneer Generation, it is completely free." Ministry of Health's Pioneer Package benefits. More on CHAS cards; May 2023's Is the Updated CHAS Green Card Worth Getting?
Please read carefully; there's fine print popping up in places, like "For Healthier SG (HSG)-enrolled Singapore Citizens, nationally-recommended screenings under Screen for Life will be fully subsidised at their enrolled HSG clinic. You can check with your enrolled HSG clinic when your recommended screenings are due." (Overview of ageing-population initiatives in Singapore.)
Maybe you need to book three appointments (for your mom, your dad, & yourself).
Maybe you need to tell your parents that if you all go together, you're less likely to forget your appointment the way you did with the dentist visit.
Maybe you need to schedule these screenings on a day you don't have work.
Maybe you need to schedule for a workday afternoon, unexpectedly fall sick at lunchtime, and leave for the day.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:33 PM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Health Hub eligibility tool. Examples found via Googling: Health Screening Advisor's Elderly Package; Homage's info page has "CHAS Blue, CHAS Orange, and Merdeka Generation (MG) cardholders will only need to pay a fixed fee of $2 upfront under the SLF programme. On the other hand, CHAS Green card holders and all other Singaporeans will only need to pay $5. As for seniors who are part of the Pioneer Generation, it is completely free." Ministry of Health's Pioneer Package benefits. More on CHAS cards; May 2023's Is the Updated CHAS Green Card Worth Getting?
Please read carefully; there's fine print popping up in places, like "For Healthier SG (HSG)-enrolled Singapore Citizens, nationally-recommended screenings under Screen for Life will be fully subsidised at their enrolled HSG clinic. You can check with your enrolled HSG clinic when your recommended screenings are due." (Overview of ageing-population initiatives in Singapore.)
Maybe you need to book three appointments (for your mom, your dad, & yourself).
Maybe you need to tell your parents that if you all go together, you're less likely to forget your appointment the way you did with the dentist visit.
Maybe you need to schedule these screenings on a day you don't have work.
Maybe you need to schedule for a workday afternoon, unexpectedly fall sick at lunchtime, and leave for the day.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:33 PM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
The part about your mom forgetting your appointment (that she prompted you to make!) is striking. You need to take worries off of your mom’s plate: stop griping about your job to your mom, take care of yourself, and step up as a responsible adult child who assists their parents as aging presents changing needs. Make the doctor’s appointment for her and accompany her to the appointment. It’s fine to be the bossy, competent adult, even it upsets long-standing dynamics. It’s a real shift but I bet it’s a change both you and your mom need.
posted by stowaway at 2:16 PM on August 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by stowaway at 2:16 PM on August 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
The government is starting to push out the new Healthier SG scheme with lots of promotional activity to encourage enrolment. You can ride on the momentum and get your parents enrolled with a GP and primary care network. For folks who do not have regular or preferred specialists (does not sound like your parents do), it can be helpful to kickstart early/preventive medical care.
I might be making an unfair assumption here but you sound like you're still occupying the Child role, expecting her to mother you and keep track of your appointments. If your mum is like mine, her peace of mind (and everything else that comes along with it) is built upon the foundation of knowing her child is happy, healthy and well. It is awful but it means that at home you cannot project an image of yourself that is less than that of an independent, thriving, loving individual. Your job problems, relationship problems, health issues all pile up and become HER burden. That's probably why she tries to help fix them by seeking advice from fortune tellers.
posted by hellopanda at 9:11 PM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
I might be making an unfair assumption here but you sound like you're still occupying the Child role, expecting her to mother you and keep track of your appointments. If your mum is like mine, her peace of mind (and everything else that comes along with it) is built upon the foundation of knowing her child is happy, healthy and well. It is awful but it means that at home you cannot project an image of yourself that is less than that of an independent, thriving, loving individual. Your job problems, relationship problems, health issues all pile up and become HER burden. That's probably why she tries to help fix them by seeking advice from fortune tellers.
posted by hellopanda at 9:11 PM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks guys, for all the help. It's great to have this information and its nice to be able to take action on this stuff.
posted by Didnt_do_enough at 6:39 AM on September 1, 2023
posted by Didnt_do_enough at 6:39 AM on September 1, 2023
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posted by fritley at 8:23 AM on August 30, 2023