Are there rules for having a poor(er) girlfriend?
August 26, 2023 10:34 PM Subscribe
My girlfriend and I are both disabled and on low incomes. She has kids and her financial and living situation is more stressed than mine. How do I know when to help, how much by, and how to balance my own interests? Are there guidelines for this? I’m worried and confused.
A few months ago I started a new (wonderful, loving, committed) cishet monogamous relationship with a woman who’s a single mother of two pre-teens. We’re both in England, neurodivergent, and in our forties. She’s a survivor of various traumas, illnesses, and domestic abuse. She lives in financial precarity paying high rents, working part-time (for health reasons) on an insecure zero-hour contract, and is trying to avoid having to return to depending on food banks, which she finds traumatic and unsuitable for her family’s medical dietary restrictions. She is struggling with being paid approximately through Universal Credit, who wrongly consider her fully fit for full-time work, and there is no obvious light at the end of this dark tunnel for her. She does buy drinks and cakes from cafes, one takeaway a week, has Netflix, but almost all of her new possessions (furniture, clothes and toys for the kids) have to come from charity shops or Freegle or are hand-me-downs.
I myself am also disabled. I am not in work and am considered unfit for work. My income also comes from benefits (British social security). I have more assets than my girlfriend (a house, a car, more comfortable living standards) and I have more disposable income although I’m still considered to have a “persistent low income”. I struggle to pay for bigger purchases (a new bed, replacing my car or paying for major services, keeping up with house repairs) but I can buy new clothes and shoes, indulge modest whims and hobbies, go to the cinema weekly if I want to, easily pay all my regular bills, and am never close to needing to go to food banks. I live alone so only have one mouth to feed. Relative to my girlfriend I feel quite well-off but I am only a sudden major expense (major car problem, adverse benefits decision, roof repair) away from the edge.
My girlfriend is chronically worried about money, chronically struggling to make ends meet, and has chronic health issues. I am not worried about money (except when my benefits are reviewed and possibly reduced) but am constrained and concerned about large spends (such as repairing a window or replacing a boiler, phone or computer).
I am struggling to understand how to navigate the financial side of this new romantic relationship. I don’t understand how to work out what actions I should take. Should I lend my girlfriend money? If so, how regularly? Should I give her money? Pay for her shopping sometimes? Or should I not do this stuff. If I don’t, then how can I feel ok about eg buying a good new pair of shoes, or buying something brand-new that my girlfriend couldn’t even afford second-hand? Or going out for food with a friend? Or treating myself to a day out? But if I do offer her money, what expectations should I have of her spending choices? How can I assess the balance between taking care of a loved one, self sacrifice, and meeting my own needs and wants while my girlfriend struggles even more to meet hers (and her children’s)?
Are there ground rules for this? Are there social conventions (Im rather oblivious to these with my neurodivergent brain)? Are there established patterns I can draw on? At the moment I feel stuck in a vacuum of endless uncertainty, guilt, and anxiety. Because neither of our situations are temporary I need to figure out a long-term strategy for approaching these issues. I have always found money in friendships, family, and romantic relationships a source of anxiety and confusion but in this relationship it is amplifying fast.
Where do I go from here? I’ve raised this with my girlfriend and she doesn’t know what to say.
A few months ago I started a new (wonderful, loving, committed) cishet monogamous relationship with a woman who’s a single mother of two pre-teens. We’re both in England, neurodivergent, and in our forties. She’s a survivor of various traumas, illnesses, and domestic abuse. She lives in financial precarity paying high rents, working part-time (for health reasons) on an insecure zero-hour contract, and is trying to avoid having to return to depending on food banks, which she finds traumatic and unsuitable for her family’s medical dietary restrictions. She is struggling with being paid approximately through Universal Credit, who wrongly consider her fully fit for full-time work, and there is no obvious light at the end of this dark tunnel for her. She does buy drinks and cakes from cafes, one takeaway a week, has Netflix, but almost all of her new possessions (furniture, clothes and toys for the kids) have to come from charity shops or Freegle or are hand-me-downs.
I myself am also disabled. I am not in work and am considered unfit for work. My income also comes from benefits (British social security). I have more assets than my girlfriend (a house, a car, more comfortable living standards) and I have more disposable income although I’m still considered to have a “persistent low income”. I struggle to pay for bigger purchases (a new bed, replacing my car or paying for major services, keeping up with house repairs) but I can buy new clothes and shoes, indulge modest whims and hobbies, go to the cinema weekly if I want to, easily pay all my regular bills, and am never close to needing to go to food banks. I live alone so only have one mouth to feed. Relative to my girlfriend I feel quite well-off but I am only a sudden major expense (major car problem, adverse benefits decision, roof repair) away from the edge.
My girlfriend is chronically worried about money, chronically struggling to make ends meet, and has chronic health issues. I am not worried about money (except when my benefits are reviewed and possibly reduced) but am constrained and concerned about large spends (such as repairing a window or replacing a boiler, phone or computer).
I am struggling to understand how to navigate the financial side of this new romantic relationship. I don’t understand how to work out what actions I should take. Should I lend my girlfriend money? If so, how regularly? Should I give her money? Pay for her shopping sometimes? Or should I not do this stuff. If I don’t, then how can I feel ok about eg buying a good new pair of shoes, or buying something brand-new that my girlfriend couldn’t even afford second-hand? Or going out for food with a friend? Or treating myself to a day out? But if I do offer her money, what expectations should I have of her spending choices? How can I assess the balance between taking care of a loved one, self sacrifice, and meeting my own needs and wants while my girlfriend struggles even more to meet hers (and her children’s)?
Are there ground rules for this? Are there social conventions (Im rather oblivious to these with my neurodivergent brain)? Are there established patterns I can draw on? At the moment I feel stuck in a vacuum of endless uncertainty, guilt, and anxiety. Because neither of our situations are temporary I need to figure out a long-term strategy for approaching these issues. I have always found money in friendships, family, and romantic relationships a source of anxiety and confusion but in this relationship it is amplifying fast.
Where do I go from here? I’ve raised this with my girlfriend and she doesn’t know what to say.
I am struggling to understand how to navigate the financial side of this new romantic relationship. I don’t understand how to work out what actions I should take. Should I lend my girlfriend money? If so, how regularly? Should I give her money? Pay for her shopping sometimes? Or should I not do this stuff. If I don’t, then how can I feel ok about eg buying a good new pair of shoes, or buying something brand-new that my girlfriend couldn’t even afford second-hand? Or going out for food with a friend? Or treating myself to a day out? But if I do offer her money, what expectations should I have of her spending choices? How can I assess the balance between taking care of a loved one, self sacrifice, and meeting my own needs and wants while my girlfriend struggles even more to meet hers (and her children’s)?
The hard part about your situation isn't necessarily all this stuff — it's that you yourself are constrained, and you can't help but be anxious about what she is expecting from you.
The rule of thumb I feel is to give freely of what you have. Don't get up in your head about things you do not have — you are financially constrained, but money isn't the only thing in life.
That does not mean that you are obligated to give freely beyond what you can reasonably afford. You aren't obligated to stress your ability to pay rent, for example, but neither are you obligated to give so much time that your life suffers.
Therefore, you are not obligated to do any of the things you listed. To the extent you feel comfortable, sure, you can share with her.
This is going to be tough for her to address because, well — she can't answer these questions for you. They are your personal affairs, not hers.
You will be okay! Remember to be a person who shows up for them, and do what you say you will do. Show by your actions that they are important. If you get along okay, then all will be well. And if you don't get along okay, then it wasn't meant to be anyway! And that's okay.
Be well!
posted by billjings at 11:31 PM on August 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
The hard part about your situation isn't necessarily all this stuff — it's that you yourself are constrained, and you can't help but be anxious about what she is expecting from you.
The rule of thumb I feel is to give freely of what you have. Don't get up in your head about things you do not have — you are financially constrained, but money isn't the only thing in life.
That does not mean that you are obligated to give freely beyond what you can reasonably afford. You aren't obligated to stress your ability to pay rent, for example, but neither are you obligated to give so much time that your life suffers.
Therefore, you are not obligated to do any of the things you listed. To the extent you feel comfortable, sure, you can share with her.
This is going to be tough for her to address because, well — she can't answer these questions for you. They are your personal affairs, not hers.
You will be okay! Remember to be a person who shows up for them, and do what you say you will do. Show by your actions that they are important. If you get along okay, then all will be well. And if you don't get along okay, then it wasn't meant to be anyway! And that's okay.
Be well!
posted by billjings at 11:31 PM on August 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think be sensitive to expenses you might be adding into her life (restaurant meals, movie dates, babysitters?), whether that means covering those expenses or finding other ways to spend time together. Other than that, it seems too soon, and too much not actually requested by her, to be actually giving her money. You could do things like make sure she knows she can get a ride from you when she needs it, since you have a car. And you can maybe save more aggressively on your own for sudden large expenses, so that if when the day comes when either of you needs it, those savings are there.
Money brings what can be incredibly uncomfortable power dynamics into a relationship. Unless she says otherwise I would let her keep her financial autonomy, but also be someone she knows will be there for her financially if she needs it. Just having someone like that is a bit of safety net that not everybody has. But, you know, she might feel very reluctant to use it unless truly necessary, because power and independence and pride. You don't want to step on those things.
What you can do is make sure you're not falling down on other responsibilities in the relationship, like emotional labor and so on. And that you're not the type who's sitting with your feet up on the coffee table while she's washing dishes, you know? Help reduce her stress in other ways, and be there for her in ways that aren't financial.
posted by trig at 12:34 AM on August 27, 2023 [12 favorites]
Money brings what can be incredibly uncomfortable power dynamics into a relationship. Unless she says otherwise I would let her keep her financial autonomy, but also be someone she knows will be there for her financially if she needs it. Just having someone like that is a bit of safety net that not everybody has. But, you know, she might feel very reluctant to use it unless truly necessary, because power and independence and pride. You don't want to step on those things.
What you can do is make sure you're not falling down on other responsibilities in the relationship, like emotional labor and so on. And that you're not the type who's sitting with your feet up on the coffee table while she's washing dishes, you know? Help reduce her stress in other ways, and be there for her in ways that aren't financial.
posted by trig at 12:34 AM on August 27, 2023 [12 favorites]
Avoid grandiose gestures. Aim for gentle, steady, near-invisible support that won't be overly hurtful if withdrawn.
How? Look for things that you both use. Milk, bread, fruit, snacks, detergent, bathroom tissue, etc. Quietly replenish her pantry when you're over at her place; put them away with an understated explanation if needed "they were on sale, two for one."
This will ease the pressure without hurting her pride. In lots of cultures, sharing staples is a regular way to express caring, even when nobody is struggling. And you can feel better about your own splurges.
posted by dum spiro spero at 12:34 AM on August 27, 2023 [15 favorites]
How? Look for things that you both use. Milk, bread, fruit, snacks, detergent, bathroom tissue, etc. Quietly replenish her pantry when you're over at her place; put them away with an understated explanation if needed "they were on sale, two for one."
This will ease the pressure without hurting her pride. In lots of cultures, sharing staples is a regular way to express caring, even when nobody is struggling. And you can feel better about your own splurges.
posted by dum spiro spero at 12:34 AM on August 27, 2023 [15 favorites]
Never lend your girlfriend money. Someone experiencing food insecurity should not be thinking about making payments to loved ones. You can give limited gifts, or perform acts of service (like bringing “leftovers”), but do not lend.
posted by shock muppet at 1:21 AM on August 27, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by shock muppet at 1:21 AM on August 27, 2023 [9 favorites]
I am a recovering codependent who broke up with someone after realizing he was so poor that I would bankrupt myself and never have a moment of serenity as long as he was in such a difficult spot. I am not suggesting you do the same. I am merely sharing my story because in my case I had very little margin to share but as soon as I realized that through no fault of his own he was extremely poor that was pretty much all I could think about. I was stuck worrying about his future and concerned about his ability to put food on his own table and how I could put food on mine and I just couldn’t handle it. I agree that she’s a grown ass woman who was juggling lots of really hard shit before she met you and you should not make assumptions. My brain just wouldn’t cooperate but perhaps yours will do a better job.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:38 AM on August 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 2:38 AM on August 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
Can you offer to help her navigate the social benefits application process, which you have evidently been through successfully? That could materially ease her situation long-term without creating a weird power dynamic.
posted by heatherlogan at 5:49 AM on August 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by heatherlogan at 5:49 AM on August 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
My girlfriend is chronically worried about money, chronically struggling to make ends meet, and has chronic health issues.
If she cannot work full time, and cannot get her benefits re-evaluated then she is indeed in a very precarious position with little to no chance of escape. It also means that spending the money she does have on small pleasures is a completely normal and arguably sensible response. She cannot budget her way out of this problem, she needs either a bigger income or lower rent.
Unfortunately, you do not have enough money to solve your girlfriend's financial problems. Given that, I think that you should not lend her money (she will not be able to repay you), and only give gifts of any kind that you can afford to give. There is no benefit in both of you being equally as stressed and miserable about money.
If you are at any point, thinking of cohabiting, do check what would happen to your state benefits very carefully. It is not at all unusual for people to be unable to cohabit due to the rules of the benefit system.
posted by plonkee at 7:00 AM on August 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
If she cannot work full time, and cannot get her benefits re-evaluated then she is indeed in a very precarious position with little to no chance of escape. It also means that spending the money she does have on small pleasures is a completely normal and arguably sensible response. She cannot budget her way out of this problem, she needs either a bigger income or lower rent.
Unfortunately, you do not have enough money to solve your girlfriend's financial problems. Given that, I think that you should not lend her money (she will not be able to repay you), and only give gifts of any kind that you can afford to give. There is no benefit in both of you being equally as stressed and miserable about money.
If you are at any point, thinking of cohabiting, do check what would happen to your state benefits very carefully. It is not at all unusual for people to be unable to cohabit due to the rules of the benefit system.
posted by plonkee at 7:00 AM on August 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
No lending. Totally incompatible with a romantic relationship. It doesn't even work for friends, except under very limited circumstances which do not apply here (i.e. it works when there generally isn't a scarcity, but just a one-time emergency need that the lendee can realistically and promptly pay back.)
As pointed out above, do make sure you proactively cover any extra expense she incurs related to your relationship (food, water bills, gas, whatever) and bring shared staples over regularly and without fanfare. This is a great thing to do even when money isn't an issue! Saving someone an errand, or just being thoughtful and proactive about the upkeep and resources of the home, is always a loving and supportive action. Parents especially appreciate it.
Specific-occasion treats (birthday gifts, say, or "you got all As? I'm taking you all to dinner") are great too IF you can swing them without hardship.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:14 AM on August 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
As pointed out above, do make sure you proactively cover any extra expense she incurs related to your relationship (food, water bills, gas, whatever) and bring shared staples over regularly and without fanfare. This is a great thing to do even when money isn't an issue! Saving someone an errand, or just being thoughtful and proactive about the upkeep and resources of the home, is always a loving and supportive action. Parents especially appreciate it.
Specific-occasion treats (birthday gifts, say, or "you got all As? I'm taking you all to dinner") are great too IF you can swing them without hardship.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:14 AM on August 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
I would look for places where sharing a purchase benefits both of you.
Two for one sales in supermarkets for example mean you each get a product for half price. Buying bulk items up front is frequently cheaper then buying smaller versions -- sometimes quite significantly. Supermarket pricing is biased against the poor.
Also if you're the one who does the shopping it is both a way to take that load off of her and possibly cheat a little and give her the occasional discount.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:35 AM on August 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
Two for one sales in supermarkets for example mean you each get a product for half price. Buying bulk items up front is frequently cheaper then buying smaller versions -- sometimes quite significantly. Supermarket pricing is biased against the poor.
Also if you're the one who does the shopping it is both a way to take that load off of her and possibly cheat a little and give her the occasional discount.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:35 AM on August 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
Don't lend others money unless you in the position to consider the loan a no strings attached gift.
It can be awkward to be given gifts when unable to reciprocate in a similar manner. It can also be uncomfortable to receive a gift from someone whom you know can't really afford it either.
Focus on building and maintaining your relationship. Your value to each other should be more than economic transactions.
posted by oceano at 9:55 AM on August 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
It can be awkward to be given gifts when unable to reciprocate in a similar manner. It can also be uncomfortable to receive a gift from someone whom you know can't really afford it either.
Focus on building and maintaining your relationship. Your value to each other should be more than economic transactions.
posted by oceano at 9:55 AM on August 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
Like trig put it, this early in a relationship the common thing is for the higher-earner to fund more (or all) of the date night activities.
But if I do offer her money, what expectations should I have of her spending choices?
None, and since it's clear from your question that would be hard for you (which is fine, especially only two months in of dating!), that's one good reason not to lend/give her money. Occasional gifts are fine, but many people would bristle if they suspected their new romantic partner viewed them as a charity case, regardless of how little money they had.
I also agree with those suggesting that a great way to demonstrate affection can be through acts of service - offering to drive her or her kids somewhere, planning a day of leisure for her and her kids (even if it's just driving to a beach/park), etc.
posted by coffeecat at 9:57 AM on August 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
But if I do offer her money, what expectations should I have of her spending choices?
None, and since it's clear from your question that would be hard for you (which is fine, especially only two months in of dating!), that's one good reason not to lend/give her money. Occasional gifts are fine, but many people would bristle if they suspected their new romantic partner viewed them as a charity case, regardless of how little money they had.
I also agree with those suggesting that a great way to demonstrate affection can be through acts of service - offering to drive her or her kids somewhere, planning a day of leisure for her and her kids (even if it's just driving to a beach/park), etc.
posted by coffeecat at 9:57 AM on August 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
It has been my experience that a lot of people who (have to) watch their pennies react poorly to any perceived charity. My cousin used to rely on benefits and later had a job that allowed her to pay bills but still only just. My other cousin is a lawyer, she works for local government so not the kind of lawyer that is loaded by any stretch of the imagination, but she never had to watch her pennies in the same way.
The cousin with more modest means is scrupulous about splitting costs for all leisure activities and always was, even when she was on benefits. She will absolutely not let me pick up the bill for anything. The lawyer is quite happy to let me treat her.
The lawyer was also quite happy to ask me for a small loan when she got divorced, selling the marital home to pay out her ex husband and was looking to buy a smaller house for herself and her boys. I had no expectation as to when I’d get repaid or about what she would use the money for. In the event, she did spend the money on home improvements and has now paid me back in full. The other cousin would never ask me for a loan.
What I am trying to say is that money is very emotional for people and in relationships in ways that don’t always make sense to the observer. So you are right to tread carefully.
I’d focus on giving her as much control over how the two of you spend time together as possible. That allows her to control the costs involved.
Absolutely contribute to any consumables you use at her home (food etc) in any way she’ll let you. Making use of BOGOFs (real or fictional) is a great strategy. If you’re spending a lot of time at her home perhaps you need to heat your house less or use less electricity…
Make her life easier if she and the kids need rides. The bus can be both extremely time consuming and expensive.
When it is the kids’ birthdays or Christmas ask her what they need so you can buy them a boring gift like clothes (that help her have money for a fun gift).
When she has an unexpected expense emergency and you are able to help by all means offer to help her out.
But only provide help you’re happy to provide no strings attached. She is not obliged to prioritise her spending in the way you would. You don’t get to judge her for Netflix or the occasional takeout/coffee. Considering the cost of soft play or really any family activity (including bus fares etc), Netflix may well be the most economical way to have family leisure time. And nobody can exist log-term without the occasional ‘treat’.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:49 AM on August 27, 2023 [10 favorites]
The cousin with more modest means is scrupulous about splitting costs for all leisure activities and always was, even when she was on benefits. She will absolutely not let me pick up the bill for anything. The lawyer is quite happy to let me treat her.
The lawyer was also quite happy to ask me for a small loan when she got divorced, selling the marital home to pay out her ex husband and was looking to buy a smaller house for herself and her boys. I had no expectation as to when I’d get repaid or about what she would use the money for. In the event, she did spend the money on home improvements and has now paid me back in full. The other cousin would never ask me for a loan.
What I am trying to say is that money is very emotional for people and in relationships in ways that don’t always make sense to the observer. So you are right to tread carefully.
I’d focus on giving her as much control over how the two of you spend time together as possible. That allows her to control the costs involved.
Absolutely contribute to any consumables you use at her home (food etc) in any way she’ll let you. Making use of BOGOFs (real or fictional) is a great strategy. If you’re spending a lot of time at her home perhaps you need to heat your house less or use less electricity…
Make her life easier if she and the kids need rides. The bus can be both extremely time consuming and expensive.
When it is the kids’ birthdays or Christmas ask her what they need so you can buy them a boring gift like clothes (that help her have money for a fun gift).
When she has an unexpected expense emergency and you are able to help by all means offer to help her out.
But only provide help you’re happy to provide no strings attached. She is not obliged to prioritise her spending in the way you would. You don’t get to judge her for Netflix or the occasional takeout/coffee. Considering the cost of soft play or really any family activity (including bus fares etc), Netflix may well be the most economical way to have family leisure time. And nobody can exist log-term without the occasional ‘treat’.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:49 AM on August 27, 2023 [10 favorites]
Do not ever, ever, give or lend money. That stuff fucks up romantic relationships.
Other than that, this is a really hard question to answer. I know what I do in my own romantic relationships where there's a similar income disparity. If it helps, I:
- pay for outings that I think are going to be towards the higher end, but make a laughing game of it that I am "sniping", so that it seems less like "charity" and more like "oh corb, she's so zany". This requires using stealth tactics to pay the bill and a lot of waggling of eyebrows. You may not be able to get away with this depending on your personality. For me it works.
- buy groceries and bring them to the house "so I can cook a meal for you" and maybe the groceries are all logically connected to the meal but maybe I bought a larger quantity than the meal wound up requiring or the meal is too big for just one meal and I guess there will be a lot of leftovers/leftover materials haha! Lasagne is good for this, or stews with a lot of meat in them. Things with ingredients that are not Expensive but are more towards the edge of you wouldn't buy them if you were extreme budgeting.
- Go thrifting with the kids, if you're in a position where you can comfortably and reasonably do that, make sure they get sensible things, and pick up the tab. This way it feels less like you're Daddy Warbucks-ing, because it's thrift shops, but also, you're making sure to get solid clothes, which is also an expense which is off her plate. Do this for stuff like: shoes, things which are less fun and exciting but also more towards the spendy side even at thrift stores.
posted by corb at 11:25 AM on August 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
Other than that, this is a really hard question to answer. I know what I do in my own romantic relationships where there's a similar income disparity. If it helps, I:
- pay for outings that I think are going to be towards the higher end, but make a laughing game of it that I am "sniping", so that it seems less like "charity" and more like "oh corb, she's so zany". This requires using stealth tactics to pay the bill and a lot of waggling of eyebrows. You may not be able to get away with this depending on your personality. For me it works.
- buy groceries and bring them to the house "so I can cook a meal for you" and maybe the groceries are all logically connected to the meal but maybe I bought a larger quantity than the meal wound up requiring or the meal is too big for just one meal and I guess there will be a lot of leftovers/leftover materials haha! Lasagne is good for this, or stews with a lot of meat in them. Things with ingredients that are not Expensive but are more towards the edge of you wouldn't buy them if you were extreme budgeting.
- Go thrifting with the kids, if you're in a position where you can comfortably and reasonably do that, make sure they get sensible things, and pick up the tab. This way it feels less like you're Daddy Warbucks-ing, because it's thrift shops, but also, you're making sure to get solid clothes, which is also an expense which is off her plate. Do this for stuff like: shoes, things which are less fun and exciting but also more towards the spendy side even at thrift stores.
posted by corb at 11:25 AM on August 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
All I can think of here is that while you have slightly more money than she does, for the moment, you're also financially insecure and you can't afford to be her sugar daddy or financial provider on a major scale.
I'd say to share where you can, buy dinner or movies for two, etc. or nicer presents at the holidays, but not be the Money Fairy, don't "loan" anything, don't just hand out money unless it's a big emergency.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:27 PM on August 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
I'd say to share where you can, buy dinner or movies for two, etc. or nicer presents at the holidays, but not be the Money Fairy, don't "loan" anything, don't just hand out money unless it's a big emergency.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:27 PM on August 27, 2023 [2 favorites]
I would spend money on her kids. Money is fungible so if you focus on things like buying a new backpack for her child, that $30 she saves can be used anywhere and allows her to save face by not being seen as on the schneid.
As for lending money, I was taught to not lend money, but cut the request in half and say it is a gift that need not be paid back. You will only lose half as much and have a higher probability of getting paid back
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:47 PM on August 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
As for lending money, I was taught to not lend money, but cut the request in half and say it is a gift that need not be paid back. You will only lose half as much and have a higher probability of getting paid back
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:47 PM on August 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
You ignore the financial disparity until such a time as your finances are entwined. Until then, you pick up some groceries when you can and you share. But otherwise, you are also financially precarious and you already have judgment about how she spends her money. You place it firmly in your head that that’s none of your business, because it’s not! You aren’t sharing finances, and you yourself are in a position where it’s relatively likely that you will have a financial crisis in the next six months. (I expect a large expense twice a year.) She hasn’t asked you to fix this problem. Sounds like she has just asked you to be a good listener about her stress. That’s a difficult thing to do and not try to fix. But you can’t fix. You just can’t. You don’t have enough money to put her in a position where she isn’t stressed, and if you did the power dynamics would probably preclude a healthy relationship. Part of an intimate relationship is understanding that you can’t fix the other person’s stress or situation. Absolutely 100% do the things you can do like doing some groceries or getting some school supplies, and you might feel better if you tucked away a set amount every month so you have something to help with if there’s a True Emergency and not just business as usual. I have a little emergency stash of money for helping friends, I replenish it monthly with what I can afford. I have budgeted this amount based on me and not on them, because I too am disabled and have financial precariousness. If there’s no money in that stash, I can’t help. And that’s ok. Because I know it wouldn’t help them for me to throw myself into Emergency. Then there’s two households in danger instead of just one.
You can’t control someone else’s happiness by sacrificing your own.
posted by Bottlecap at 12:50 AM on August 29, 2023 [2 favorites]
You can’t control someone else’s happiness by sacrificing your own.
posted by Bottlecap at 12:50 AM on August 29, 2023 [2 favorites]
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The fact that you are already surveilling her spending habits tells me that you should not be lending her money except for absolute, eviction-level crises. A disparity in income is always a potential disparity in power. The last thing she needs in her life as she struggles to pay for her groceries is someone judging her spending who thinks he has the power to control it.
It is good that you are sensitive to her struggles, but you deal with buying shoes, etc., for yourself by remembering that your girlfriend is an adult woman with a job and a family who has not asked you to support her. There may come a time when you want to move in together or get married and merge finances to some degree, but you're not there yet. If you do get there, have the conversation about finances first, before doing anything else. Among other things, she needs to know that you think she spends too much before she ties her life up with yours.
posted by praemunire at 11:21 PM on August 26, 2023 [10 favorites]