GF is more successful than me, how do I deal?
March 28, 2016 4:55 AM Subscribe
My girlfriend is more successful than me. How do I keep myself from turning into a jealous weird guy? I want to celebrate and support her success, without getting bummed out and feeling emasculated. Looking for strategies (non-redpill) on how to not let this get to me, not blow my budget, and maintain my sense of masculinity.
I'm in a great relationship with a wonderful woman. She's smart, sexy, and fun. She's also quite successful. More than me, for sure. Every so often I get a little pang of jealousy or resentment about this, but I quickly push the thought out of my head. I'm getting worried about these thoughts and I'd like to figure out a way to face my insecurities for the best of myself and our relationship.
♀ She went to one of the best colleges in the nation for undergrad, ivy league for her master's, and is working on her PhD.
♂ I got my undergrad from a not-prestigious liberal arts college.
♀ She recently jumped from earning a salary in the 50's to six figures, and is on a promising career path.
♂ After years of earning entry-level wages , I recently started earning a salary in the 50's and have a long way to go to earn any more than that.
♀ She's a high level director, working her way up.
♂ I'm a low level grunt, working my way up.
♀ She's at work 9-4, takes long lunches, and works from home on Fridays. She takes days off or works remotely whenever.
♂ I'm at work 8-6, with a quick lunch, and I have to be on site. I can't take off without getting someone to cover for me.
♀ Her work helps people and saves lives (non profit).
♂ My work saves companies money (for profit).
♀ She likes fancy dinners, champagne, and hip lounges. (It's cool, I can hang.)
♂ I like street food, beer, and dive bars. (It's cool, she can hang.)
♀ She has 90k in student loan debt.
♂ I had 90k in student loan debt, now down to 45k.
♀ She has a hard time sticking to a budget, and justifies buying nice things for herself.
♂ I'm frugal, trying to pay off debt, and want to become financially independent someday.
The financial stuff is a head-scratcher: twice she's asked me for money because of budget woes, but she earns nearly double my salary!
♀ Her exes are all successful doctors, lawyers, engineers, entrepreneurs.
♂ My exes are from different walks of life, from photographers to finance directors.
We still have a lot in common, get on great, have good conversation, and generally enjoy each other's company. I want to 'be a man' about this, and need to figure out how to not let her success make me feel any less of myself. I'm pretty insecure about my position in life already, and am working really hard to try to improve it (by getting promotions, learning new skills, working out, etc). If being in a different tax bracket means it won't work out, I'd like a does of reality. I'd rather make it work though, and am keen on learning how to deal.
I'm in a great relationship with a wonderful woman. She's smart, sexy, and fun. She's also quite successful. More than me, for sure. Every so often I get a little pang of jealousy or resentment about this, but I quickly push the thought out of my head. I'm getting worried about these thoughts and I'd like to figure out a way to face my insecurities for the best of myself and our relationship.
♀ She went to one of the best colleges in the nation for undergrad, ivy league for her master's, and is working on her PhD.
♂ I got my undergrad from a not-prestigious liberal arts college.
♀ She recently jumped from earning a salary in the 50's to six figures, and is on a promising career path.
♂ After years of earning entry-level wages , I recently started earning a salary in the 50's and have a long way to go to earn any more than that.
♀ She's a high level director, working her way up.
♂ I'm a low level grunt, working my way up.
♀ She's at work 9-4, takes long lunches, and works from home on Fridays. She takes days off or works remotely whenever.
♂ I'm at work 8-6, with a quick lunch, and I have to be on site. I can't take off without getting someone to cover for me.
♀ Her work helps people and saves lives (non profit).
♂ My work saves companies money (for profit).
♀ She likes fancy dinners, champagne, and hip lounges. (It's cool, I can hang.)
♂ I like street food, beer, and dive bars. (It's cool, she can hang.)
♀ She has 90k in student loan debt.
♂ I had 90k in student loan debt, now down to 45k.
♀ She has a hard time sticking to a budget, and justifies buying nice things for herself.
♂ I'm frugal, trying to pay off debt, and want to become financially independent someday.
The financial stuff is a head-scratcher: twice she's asked me for money because of budget woes, but she earns nearly double my salary!
♀ Her exes are all successful doctors, lawyers, engineers, entrepreneurs.
♂ My exes are from different walks of life, from photographers to finance directors.
We still have a lot in common, get on great, have good conversation, and generally enjoy each other's company. I want to 'be a man' about this, and need to figure out how to not let her success make me feel any less of myself. I'm pretty insecure about my position in life already, and am working really hard to try to improve it (by getting promotions, learning new skills, working out, etc). If being in a different tax bracket means it won't work out, I'd like a does of reality. I'd rather make it work though, and am keen on learning how to deal.
Success comes in many forms. Being able to stick to a budget, seeing the big picture, working your way up, reducing your debt, and working hard are all things that are commonly associated with success. What makes you think you're not successful, and that you will not continue to become more successful?
Trying to compare your success to someone else's success is usually a losing game. There will always be someone more successful than you. Remember that there are also people who are less successful than you.
posted by jgreco at 5:14 AM on March 28, 2016 [18 favorites]
Trying to compare your success to someone else's success is usually a losing game. There will always be someone more successful than you. Remember that there are also people who are less successful than you.
posted by jgreco at 5:14 AM on March 28, 2016 [18 favorites]
Wow, I'm jealous of her too. I look at my successful friends as people to learn from rather than be jealous of them, although sometimes jealous feelings do arise. I also get jealous of people who love dogs (I'm more cats) among countless other items that pop up several times a day. I take that feeling to say, "hey, this is something you are curious about, what's up with that, what can you learn and take away, why are you noticing this thing?". I also focus on my meager contributions to the world, which sometimes may be making others feel good about their success--yeah, ugh, but feels much better and gets me in a good frame of mind, which makes everyone happy. Try reframing your feelings of inadequacy as feelings of curiosity, signals that you are looking for direction about, and take them as gifts, nothing less.
posted by waving at 5:34 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by waving at 5:34 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
I have a different take on this.
I am a woman who, up until fairly recently, had a pretty big disconnect between my salary/career and the salary/career of my husband. He had a much more senior, interesting job, while I was a low level grunt worker. And his salary was substantially more than mine.
This bothered me. A lot. And it had nothing to do with my masculinity or femininity or anything like that. I have always been someone who wanted to pay my own way, I never wanted to feel like I depended upon someone else. I value deeply my sense of self sufficiency.
It bothered me that I wasn't able to contribute anywhere near equally to our life together. It bothered me that the bulk of our livelihood was funded by his job, while my job felt like more of an added boost but not super necessary. Everything felt like HIS because I knew full well that his money was largely what was affording everything. I felt like I had to ask permission before buying anything. I felt sort of like a kept woman, despite the fact that I was working hard at my job and bringing in a ~50k salary, which isn't insignificant. Last year I started a new job and basically closed our salary gap, and actually my job now affords me some benefits that he doesn't have (like working remotely, unlimited vacation days, etc).
It bares stating that my husband has NEVER done anything to make me feel this way. He never made any comments or acted in any way other than everything was OURS and that our contributions were equal and that we had equal claim on everything, etc. He actually had difficulty understanding why it bothered me so much.
You need to re-frame this in your mind. It isn't about "masculinity", it is about your desire to be an equal contributor. Thinking about it in terms of your manhood is only going to result in your relationship being torn apart.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:48 AM on March 28, 2016 [42 favorites]
I am a woman who, up until fairly recently, had a pretty big disconnect between my salary/career and the salary/career of my husband. He had a much more senior, interesting job, while I was a low level grunt worker. And his salary was substantially more than mine.
This bothered me. A lot. And it had nothing to do with my masculinity or femininity or anything like that. I have always been someone who wanted to pay my own way, I never wanted to feel like I depended upon someone else. I value deeply my sense of self sufficiency.
It bothered me that I wasn't able to contribute anywhere near equally to our life together. It bothered me that the bulk of our livelihood was funded by his job, while my job felt like more of an added boost but not super necessary. Everything felt like HIS because I knew full well that his money was largely what was affording everything. I felt like I had to ask permission before buying anything. I felt sort of like a kept woman, despite the fact that I was working hard at my job and bringing in a ~50k salary, which isn't insignificant. Last year I started a new job and basically closed our salary gap, and actually my job now affords me some benefits that he doesn't have (like working remotely, unlimited vacation days, etc).
It bares stating that my husband has NEVER done anything to make me feel this way. He never made any comments or acted in any way other than everything was OURS and that our contributions were equal and that we had equal claim on everything, etc. He actually had difficulty understanding why it bothered me so much.
You need to re-frame this in your mind. It isn't about "masculinity", it is about your desire to be an equal contributor. Thinking about it in terms of your manhood is only going to result in your relationship being torn apart.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:48 AM on March 28, 2016 [42 favorites]
I'm pretty insecure about my position in life already
Objectively your position in life is pretty fantastic. Subjectively (street food, exes are varied, etc.) you seem like an interesting person.
But if you don't feel groovy about who you are, then your partner's relative success* isn't going to make a difference one way or another. So look at that insecurity separate from your girlfriend's situation.
*If you've paid down $45k on a $50k salary while your girlfriend has to borrow money when earning double that .... I'd question how successful she actually is. Are you sure you're jealous of her success & not her privilege?
posted by headnsouth at 5:58 AM on March 28, 2016 [55 favorites]
Objectively your position in life is pretty fantastic. Subjectively (street food, exes are varied, etc.) you seem like an interesting person.
But if you don't feel groovy about who you are, then your partner's relative success* isn't going to make a difference one way or another. So look at that insecurity separate from your girlfriend's situation.
*If you've paid down $45k on a $50k salary while your girlfriend has to borrow money when earning double that .... I'd question how successful she actually is. Are you sure you're jealous of her success & not her privilege?
posted by headnsouth at 5:58 AM on March 28, 2016 [55 favorites]
Well, in past situations, where you've made more money than your girlfriends, how have you expected them to deal with it? Chances are, if you were the main income earner, the disparity didn't even enter your mind, and it probably doesn't enter hers, assuming no one lords it over the other, flashing their cash.
I remember asking a boyfriend once, who made significantly less than I did, what his take was on our situation, especially if the relationship turned serious and we were in it for the long haul. I loved his response, "Look, I'm only ever going to make so much, so if my wife is making the big bucks, how can that ever be a bad thing for the family?" He viewed us as a team and my success was our success. It didn't diminish him, it helped us. Together. Now we never ended up long term but his attitude was great. That's what you should aim for.
posted by Jubey at 6:04 AM on March 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
I remember asking a boyfriend once, who made significantly less than I did, what his take was on our situation, especially if the relationship turned serious and we were in it for the long haul. I loved his response, "Look, I'm only ever going to make so much, so if my wife is making the big bucks, how can that ever be a bad thing for the family?" He viewed us as a team and my success was our success. It didn't diminish him, it helped us. Together. Now we never ended up long term but his attitude was great. That's what you should aim for.
posted by Jubey at 6:04 AM on March 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
As if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth. ~ Bill Watterson
It sounds like you understand personal finance stuff better than she does. Have you tried working with her (In a non demeaning or mansplainy way) to use your understanding to help her get her budget & debts in line? Getting all that worked out can make you feel really good about yourself for organizing a strategy, and be mutually beneficial to your relationship as your collective debts decrease.
I've also found that working out help me a lot with self confidence, happiness and feeling like a man. Stick with that as a well. Its a great outlet.
posted by kpraslowicz at 6:08 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you understand personal finance stuff better than she does. Have you tried working with her (In a non demeaning or mansplainy way) to use your understanding to help her get her budget & debts in line? Getting all that worked out can make you feel really good about yourself for organizing a strategy, and be mutually beneficial to your relationship as your collective debts decrease.
I've also found that working out help me a lot with self confidence, happiness and feeling like a man. Stick with that as a well. Its a great outlet.
posted by kpraslowicz at 6:08 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
When I first starting reading this, I was all ready to go off on you. I earned more than my ex and he broke me down until I couldn't earn anything at all, just so he could feel more like a man. This isn't what you are doing and that is great.
The big problem that I am reading isn't that she is making more, it's that she is spending more. You are seeing a lot of waste that goes against your core values. People who use money differently don't usually make it to the happily ever after. I think you need to see these red flags for what they are and move on.
With or without a better job than you, she will never have savings, she will never be debt free, and she will always enjoy money a bit more than she should. This is the long and the short of it. Unless you want to live the rest of your life in debt and taking trips that you can't afford to return to a home that is too big for your life, then it may be time to move on. This isn't a you problem, it's a her problem. If you were making more than her, you would still have this problem.
posted by myselfasme at 6:12 AM on March 28, 2016 [22 favorites]
The big problem that I am reading isn't that she is making more, it's that she is spending more. You are seeing a lot of waste that goes against your core values. People who use money differently don't usually make it to the happily ever after. I think you need to see these red flags for what they are and move on.
With or without a better job than you, she will never have savings, she will never be debt free, and she will always enjoy money a bit more than she should. This is the long and the short of it. Unless you want to live the rest of your life in debt and taking trips that you can't afford to return to a home that is too big for your life, then it may be time to move on. This isn't a you problem, it's a her problem. If you were making more than her, you would still have this problem.
posted by myselfasme at 6:12 AM on March 28, 2016 [22 favorites]
A friend once changed my life with this:
She noticed that some people feel better about themselves by making sure they aren't with people who seem above them. And other people, the happier ones, feel better about themselves by surrounding themselves with all kinds of friends, including successful friends, lovers, acquaintances, and feeling the glow from being in a circle that includes success. She called the latter approach the "Everyone is fabulous!" stance.
Then I noticed how some really cool men in my field loved to brag about their girlfriends, and how it made the men seem more successful to be with them. Just like women have always done with men.
I consciously adopted this approach to my crazily successful friends, people who (in my case) have made a name for themselves in the arts or academia, and who have made a lot of money at it, and get to travel and for whom Design Within Reach is within reach. I used to think of ways to imagine that maybe they were really struggling inside, or remember that I was better than them at X, Y or Z. Now I think: "Everyone is fabulous!"
posted by flourpot at 6:15 AM on March 28, 2016 [35 favorites]
She noticed that some people feel better about themselves by making sure they aren't with people who seem above them. And other people, the happier ones, feel better about themselves by surrounding themselves with all kinds of friends, including successful friends, lovers, acquaintances, and feeling the glow from being in a circle that includes success. She called the latter approach the "Everyone is fabulous!" stance.
Then I noticed how some really cool men in my field loved to brag about their girlfriends, and how it made the men seem more successful to be with them. Just like women have always done with men.
I consciously adopted this approach to my crazily successful friends, people who (in my case) have made a name for themselves in the arts or academia, and who have made a lot of money at it, and get to travel and for whom Design Within Reach is within reach. I used to think of ways to imagine that maybe they were really struggling inside, or remember that I was better than them at X, Y or Z. Now I think: "Everyone is fabulous!"
posted by flourpot at 6:15 AM on March 28, 2016 [35 favorites]
Life comes at you fast, buddy. Roles change, jobs change, hairstyles change, career "trajectories" (which don't actually exist in the long term) definitely change. You're an ant, she's a grasshopper, and it's hard to have different views about money. It is an ongoing thing and it will always be a thing between you two. You mentioned your masculinity so much in this question I started to wonder if this was actually a question about erectile dysfunction? You don't bank, communicate, share, plan, make spreadsheets or strategize with your genitalia (that often).
posted by RJ Reynolds at 6:16 AM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by RJ Reynolds at 6:16 AM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
I worked through a lot of these issues. The problem was more fundamental than it first appeared. I believe the problem is not your girlfriend or you or where you are in life, but masculinity itself. The whole idea that you, as a man, should be 'on top' is the core thesis of masculinity. I searched for a masculinity that would set me free from these burdens and I didn't find it. Dominance and supremacy run all the way through; that's what masculinity is. The answer for me has been to jettison masculinity itself; stop trying to be a man and be a person instead.
If you go down this path there will be demons waiting for you. There is so much stuff everywhere telling you that if you are 'not a man' you are nothing, and so much pain attached to the thought of being nothing. All of that stuff is the root problem. More achievements won't solve it; they can only keep it at bay for a while. The path for me started with asking questions about what's behind these feelings. Why do I feel like nothing if I don't achieve? What would happen if I didn't achieve? What punishment is waiting for me and who is going to punish me? What glory is waiting for me if I succeed? How have I felt when I have succeeded at something - is it anything like I imagined it would be? And if not, why? I encourage you to start asking questions about masculinity, why it is bringing you down, what you feel like masculinity is telling you to do, and how you would feel if you did it.
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:21 AM on March 28, 2016 [26 favorites]
If you go down this path there will be demons waiting for you. There is so much stuff everywhere telling you that if you are 'not a man' you are nothing, and so much pain attached to the thought of being nothing. All of that stuff is the root problem. More achievements won't solve it; they can only keep it at bay for a while. The path for me started with asking questions about what's behind these feelings. Why do I feel like nothing if I don't achieve? What would happen if I didn't achieve? What punishment is waiting for me and who is going to punish me? What glory is waiting for me if I succeed? How have I felt when I have succeeded at something - is it anything like I imagined it would be? And if not, why? I encourage you to start asking questions about masculinity, why it is bringing you down, what you feel like masculinity is telling you to do, and how you would feel if you did it.
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:21 AM on March 28, 2016 [26 favorites]
For what it's worth, I have no debt. I make 6 figures. I have seven figures in retirement. I have 6 figures just in cash.
And I am single because I don't think I am adequate enough.
So, it has nothing to do with money but everything with how you think of yourself.
posted by jtexman1 at 6:39 AM on March 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
And I am single because I don't think I am adequate enough.
So, it has nothing to do with money but everything with how you think of yourself.
posted by jtexman1 at 6:39 AM on March 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
Protect, not dominate? Is it possible that masculinity could be about protecting, making a safe space for kindness, rather than being "the best"?
posted by amtho at 6:59 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by amtho at 6:59 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Start opening jars and reaching things on the high shelf? Buy a lawnmower and mow the lawn? Fix her car? Open doors and pull out chairs for her? Lift heavy things? Have kids and take the role of the "disciplinarian parent"? There are plenty of "traditional masculine jobs" left for you to do besides just "earn more money." I mean, I kinda think the whole "maintain my masculinity" thing is bunk, but if traditional masculinity is important to you, then doing these little daily things might help.
To break down your points: The college thing doesn't matter, no one cares what college you went to and they will only care less over time. Your little liberal arts college is basically in the same overall realm of experience as her ivy league college. I almost laughed at this, TBH. Who cares? Not me. The PhD- sure, it's impressive but a lot of PhDs are essentially just wall art. If she's not doing anything with it, and it's not directly contributing to her salary, and she has debt to finance it...I'm not sure I would even include this in the "success" category, TBH. I mean, in a "oh isn't that nice" way, sure. But in a ruthless climb to the top way? Nah. Low level grunt vs. high level director- no one really cares, being a "boss" may come with more flexibility but also a ton more responsibility, and if she messes up, much worse things happen generally. The non-profit vs. for-profit thing is also just silly- I'm sure your company is providing a useful service in the economy and competition is probably motivating your company to improve, overall. The exes thing is also pretty dumb- they're her exes, you're her boyfriend! They're exes for a reason.
Here are the things in your post I identified (IMHO) as genuine problems:
1. The different working hours- This can be hard. I feel you on this, and it sucks.
2. Her debt and spending, fancy dinners etc.- Sounds like you have drastically different attitudes towards money. Asking you for financial help, if I were you, would piss me off- but can I gently point out that, technically, this is putting you in the role of "the man" and therefore, you should partially like it when she's the "damsel in distress?" I mean, just sayin'. Maybe you can be her "financial advisor?"
3. Your insecurity - This seems like a "you" problem. Therapy is the answer.
posted by quincunx at 7:03 AM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
To break down your points: The college thing doesn't matter, no one cares what college you went to and they will only care less over time. Your little liberal arts college is basically in the same overall realm of experience as her ivy league college. I almost laughed at this, TBH. Who cares? Not me. The PhD- sure, it's impressive but a lot of PhDs are essentially just wall art. If she's not doing anything with it, and it's not directly contributing to her salary, and she has debt to finance it...I'm not sure I would even include this in the "success" category, TBH. I mean, in a "oh isn't that nice" way, sure. But in a ruthless climb to the top way? Nah. Low level grunt vs. high level director- no one really cares, being a "boss" may come with more flexibility but also a ton more responsibility, and if she messes up, much worse things happen generally. The non-profit vs. for-profit thing is also just silly- I'm sure your company is providing a useful service in the economy and competition is probably motivating your company to improve, overall. The exes thing is also pretty dumb- they're her exes, you're her boyfriend! They're exes for a reason.
Here are the things in your post I identified (IMHO) as genuine problems:
1. The different working hours- This can be hard. I feel you on this, and it sucks.
2. Her debt and spending, fancy dinners etc.- Sounds like you have drastically different attitudes towards money. Asking you for financial help, if I were you, would piss me off- but can I gently point out that, technically, this is putting you in the role of "the man" and therefore, you should partially like it when she's the "damsel in distress?" I mean, just sayin'. Maybe you can be her "financial advisor?"
3. Your insecurity - This seems like a "you" problem. Therapy is the answer.
posted by quincunx at 7:03 AM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
It's kind of weird how heavily you identify this issue around gender, so much so that when you outline your differences, you add a gender symbol (instead of like, her and your initial or something).
In many ways, she is more successful than you. In other ways, you are more effective (paying off debt is a major accomplishment). Little to none of your differences relate to your genders.
There are challenges to having a mismatch in income and achievement within a relationship, and there are benefits (for example, perhaps she can spring for more of the fancy dinners since her income is so much more).
I am guessing moving past feelings of jealousy and discomfort will be a long process, but I'd encourage you to uncouple those feelings from being about gender, and avoid self talk like, "I want to be a man about this". I mean, you want to be mature. You want to be respectful. You want to be able to overcome your feelings of jealousy. None of that has a thing to do with gender.
posted by latkes at 7:10 AM on March 28, 2016 [24 favorites]
In many ways, she is more successful than you. In other ways, you are more effective (paying off debt is a major accomplishment). Little to none of your differences relate to your genders.
There are challenges to having a mismatch in income and achievement within a relationship, and there are benefits (for example, perhaps she can spring for more of the fancy dinners since her income is so much more).
I am guessing moving past feelings of jealousy and discomfort will be a long process, but I'd encourage you to uncouple those feelings from being about gender, and avoid self talk like, "I want to be a man about this". I mean, you want to be mature. You want to be respectful. You want to be able to overcome your feelings of jealousy. None of that has a thing to do with gender.
posted by latkes at 7:10 AM on March 28, 2016 [24 favorites]
I would recommend focusing on what you contribute to the relationship and her life as a physical and emotional partner and not a financial one.
Obviously, if the two of you are together, she sees the benefits of your relationship beyond comparing academic and financial accomplishments, so why don't you as well?
posted by Fister Roboto at 7:29 AM on March 28, 2016
Obviously, if the two of you are together, she sees the benefits of your relationship beyond comparing academic and financial accomplishments, so why don't you as well?
posted by Fister Roboto at 7:29 AM on March 28, 2016
♀ She has a hard time sticking to a budget, and justifies buying nice things for herself.
♂ I'm frugal, trying to pay off debt, and want to become financially independent someday.
The financial stuff is a head-scratcher: twice she's asked me for money because of budget woes, but she earns nearly double my salary!
This stopped me in my tracks.
She does not appear to understand money management. Of course she is allowed to spend her money however she wants, but if she spends on luxuries and then turns to you for financial help, I see nothing but resentment and trouble ahead.
posted by Dolley at 7:45 AM on March 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
♂ I'm frugal, trying to pay off debt, and want to become financially independent someday.
The financial stuff is a head-scratcher: twice she's asked me for money because of budget woes, but she earns nearly double my salary!
This stopped me in my tracks.
She does not appear to understand money management. Of course she is allowed to spend her money however she wants, but if she spends on luxuries and then turns to you for financial help, I see nothing but resentment and trouble ahead.
posted by Dolley at 7:45 AM on March 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
I mean, I think the main deal here is that you're mixing up your self-worth with some societal expectations about gender.
I know it's super hard to undo a lifetime of crap about masculinity that's been ground into us as dudes. But in this case, here's where I would start: The actual words you're using to describe the problem.
Start with this post. There's nothing in your problem (partner makes more then me, it makes me feel insecure and jealous) there that really has anything to do with you being a man, and her being a woman. You could very easily go back and drop all that language, and still get good, or even better, advice. In fact, I'd do that, go back and rewrite it, taking out all the crap about manning up and all that. Not to re-post or anything, but to see how much you actually do focus on gender.
Then whenever you start to catch yourself thinking of the problem in terms of your gender stop and make yourself start over without that aspect.
posted by Gygesringtone at 7:48 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I know it's super hard to undo a lifetime of crap about masculinity that's been ground into us as dudes. But in this case, here's where I would start: The actual words you're using to describe the problem.
Start with this post. There's nothing in your problem (partner makes more then me, it makes me feel insecure and jealous) there that really has anything to do with you being a man, and her being a woman. You could very easily go back and drop all that language, and still get good, or even better, advice. In fact, I'd do that, go back and rewrite it, taking out all the crap about manning up and all that. Not to re-post or anything, but to see how much you actually do focus on gender.
Then whenever you start to catch yourself thinking of the problem in terms of your gender stop and make yourself start over without that aspect.
posted by Gygesringtone at 7:48 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Like Dolley, I was stopped in my tracks by "twice she's asked me for money because of budget woes, but she earns nearly double my salary!" This is the only genuine problem here (in the sense that the rest can be solved by your conquering your inner caveman); it could easily wreck your relationship, and I would urge you to separate your finances as far as practicable and make it clear to her she's got to bankroll her own splurges. She has a right to blow her own money, but if she's looking to you as a reserve bank, it's going to lead to bad trouble.
posted by languagehat at 8:03 AM on March 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by languagehat at 8:03 AM on March 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
If she breaks it off to find someone who makes more money than you consider yourself very lucky.
posted by waving at 9:43 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by waving at 9:43 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
As a woman who makes much more than my husband (throughout our relationship, I've always made 3-5x as he does, and he will probably eventually be a stay at home parent), I believe I have something to say about this.
First, realize that she's dated doctors, lawyers, etc. People who are traditionally considered more "successful." For some reason, she didn't want that, and chose you instead. I'm not her (obviously), so I can't say her exactly reason, but here are some that she might chose you instead:
* Her successful exes were too competitive with her career, and made the relationship a competition instead of a mutually supportive safe space.
* Her exes were emotionally stunted and/or unavailable. Or just unwilling to do emotional labor.
* Her exes were successful in a traditional masculine role--and expected her to play the traditional feminine role, which she has no interest in playing.
* She's horrible at chores and has no interest in doing them and would prefer someone who is more laid back and happy to take care of the home/house/yard/etc.
I think if you're unequal contributors to your relationship, it won't work. But contributing doesn't just mean bringing in money. It's also about doing the emotional labor, doing chores, and simply being there so the other person has the energy to go for promotions.
On a more practical standpoint, it sounds like she needs to learn how to budget! Maybe you can help her be frugal. (My husband taught me how to cook and bake. And he knows how to garden and plant vegetables and take care of the house. These are all previously things I would've just paid for.) It's time to have a frank talk about your shared lifestyle and budget.
And if occasionally, she really wants to go out and spend money, then she gets to treat you to it.
Oh, and I do have that little bit of gender role I like--I want my husband to "take care of the bill" at the restaurant when we go out. (Mostly so I don't have to bring my purse--I also don't drink.) Since the early days of our relationship, we've had a joint food account that we both contribute into. He then uses his credit card, but it doesn't mean he's actually footing the entire bill.
So try to figure out if there are some aspects of the gender-role performances you'd (both) like to partake in, and if there are, is it possible to separate that out from who's actually putting in the money.
posted by ethidda at 10:53 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
First, realize that she's dated doctors, lawyers, etc. People who are traditionally considered more "successful." For some reason, she didn't want that, and chose you instead. I'm not her (obviously), so I can't say her exactly reason, but here are some that she might chose you instead:
* Her successful exes were too competitive with her career, and made the relationship a competition instead of a mutually supportive safe space.
* Her exes were emotionally stunted and/or unavailable. Or just unwilling to do emotional labor.
* Her exes were successful in a traditional masculine role--and expected her to play the traditional feminine role, which she has no interest in playing.
* She's horrible at chores and has no interest in doing them and would prefer someone who is more laid back and happy to take care of the home/house/yard/etc.
I think if you're unequal contributors to your relationship, it won't work. But contributing doesn't just mean bringing in money. It's also about doing the emotional labor, doing chores, and simply being there so the other person has the energy to go for promotions.
On a more practical standpoint, it sounds like she needs to learn how to budget! Maybe you can help her be frugal. (My husband taught me how to cook and bake. And he knows how to garden and plant vegetables and take care of the house. These are all previously things I would've just paid for.) It's time to have a frank talk about your shared lifestyle and budget.
And if occasionally, she really wants to go out and spend money, then she gets to treat you to it.
Oh, and I do have that little bit of gender role I like--I want my husband to "take care of the bill" at the restaurant when we go out. (Mostly so I don't have to bring my purse--I also don't drink.) Since the early days of our relationship, we've had a joint food account that we both contribute into. He then uses his credit card, but it doesn't mean he's actually footing the entire bill.
So try to figure out if there are some aspects of the gender-role performances you'd (both) like to partake in, and if there are, is it possible to separate that out from who's actually putting in the money.
posted by ethidda at 10:53 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Debt, spending, fancy dinners - I wonder if she also comes from a higher socio-economic group than you do. I had an ex who spent lots of money on these things and it made me very stressed out. It turns out he had been raised to think his $60k a year was a poverty-level income for a single man, even when he was living at home, because he came from a family with an income in the $300k single-income range. He also felt less inclined to save for retirement, because he knew he would be receiving an inheritance and that his parents would give him $100k toward his first home. Meanwhile, I was earning 1/3 what he was, saving for retirement, worrying over whether I could afford the asiago compared to the parmesan, and trying to deal with the stress of him always running out of money, never paying the bills on time and not seeming to see it as a problem.
It didn't last. However, if I'd had the middle class entitlement that many people do, it probably would have been easier. Also, your gf is making $100k. Is it possible she's looked at the interest she's writing off on her loan and so the cost of that loan doesn't seem much to her? Some of my friends have taken forever to pay off their loans, but it's allowed them to do other things, like buy homes.
It might helps to get a look at her over financial picture.
However, she's asking you for money. That is a huge red flag. And it sounds like there may be core value issues.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 11:12 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
It didn't last. However, if I'd had the middle class entitlement that many people do, it probably would have been easier. Also, your gf is making $100k. Is it possible she's looked at the interest she's writing off on her loan and so the cost of that loan doesn't seem much to her? Some of my friends have taken forever to pay off their loans, but it's allowed them to do other things, like buy homes.
It might helps to get a look at her over financial picture.
However, she's asking you for money. That is a huge red flag. And it sounds like there may be core value issues.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 11:12 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
You express concern for your masculinity.
I ask a question: What, exactly, has your masculinity done for you? It's a pretty artificial construct you're raised to believe, that doesn't mean a goddamn thing. It's social pressure, and nothing more.
The real core of the issues is your insecurity. It may make sense for both of you to have a talk about finances, but every couple should be in agreement on finances, regardless of specifics. For that matter, every healthy couple should be willing to talk about everything.
So, ask yourself the question. WHY does this bother you? Keep asking why to every answer, until you hear something that makes logical sense, rather than some silly expectation. Odds are, you won't be able to find a logical answer for her earning more. Like I said, fiscal responsibility is a separate issue, but disparities in earnings shouldn't be inherently troubling.
I will tell you right now: Masculinity is a worthless concept people use to exert pressure in a variety of ways. Everybody has insecurities, and that's worth addressing, but don't tie anything to your "value as a man". That's a myth promulgated unhelpfully by all manner of people to no useful end.
For context, my wife and I used to work at the same company, and she has always out-earned me, then and now. Back when we both worked at the company, I got stuck with really shitty fieldwork, a stalled career, and terrible managers, in comparison to her reasonable career trajectory. She got her master's degree while working, while I still only have my (admittedly more prestigious school than hers) bachelor's degree. She's far, far better at math than I am while I'm better at verbal skills. But at the end of the day we were treated way different because of our totally different managers. Neither of us took it personally. She asks me from time to time if it bothers me that she makes more, which it doesn't. She's used to men being insecure jerks about this. I was raised in a household where my mother was clearly the more intelligent, higher earner with more education.
Different socioeconomic backgrounds are often a source of tension; my wife and I definitely have that, but it's not really a problem for us because we talk it through and come to agreements. We also have similar senses of responsibility, though, despite coming from varying means. It helps to get on the same page. A failure to communicate can cause more damage than arguments on a subject ever might.
posted by Strudel at 11:24 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I ask a question: What, exactly, has your masculinity done for you? It's a pretty artificial construct you're raised to believe, that doesn't mean a goddamn thing. It's social pressure, and nothing more.
The real core of the issues is your insecurity. It may make sense for both of you to have a talk about finances, but every couple should be in agreement on finances, regardless of specifics. For that matter, every healthy couple should be willing to talk about everything.
So, ask yourself the question. WHY does this bother you? Keep asking why to every answer, until you hear something that makes logical sense, rather than some silly expectation. Odds are, you won't be able to find a logical answer for her earning more. Like I said, fiscal responsibility is a separate issue, but disparities in earnings shouldn't be inherently troubling.
I will tell you right now: Masculinity is a worthless concept people use to exert pressure in a variety of ways. Everybody has insecurities, and that's worth addressing, but don't tie anything to your "value as a man". That's a myth promulgated unhelpfully by all manner of people to no useful end.
For context, my wife and I used to work at the same company, and she has always out-earned me, then and now. Back when we both worked at the company, I got stuck with really shitty fieldwork, a stalled career, and terrible managers, in comparison to her reasonable career trajectory. She got her master's degree while working, while I still only have my (admittedly more prestigious school than hers) bachelor's degree. She's far, far better at math than I am while I'm better at verbal skills. But at the end of the day we were treated way different because of our totally different managers. Neither of us took it personally. She asks me from time to time if it bothers me that she makes more, which it doesn't. She's used to men being insecure jerks about this. I was raised in a household where my mother was clearly the more intelligent, higher earner with more education.
Different socioeconomic backgrounds are often a source of tension; my wife and I definitely have that, but it's not really a problem for us because we talk it through and come to agreements. We also have similar senses of responsibility, though, despite coming from varying means. It helps to get on the same page. A failure to communicate can cause more damage than arguments on a subject ever might.
posted by Strudel at 11:24 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
♀ She has a hard time sticking to a budget, and justifies buying nice things for herself.
♂ I'm frugal, trying to pay off debt, and want to become financially independent someday.
The financial stuff is a head-scratcher: twice she's asked me for money because of budget woes, but she earns nearly double my salary!
Since so many people are bringing this and other points up as a red flag, I have to say I don't necessarily trust your bullet points as being neutral and objective. I bet she would have completely different bullet points than this, and paint herself as being barely put together and still figuring out her life. "Justifies buying nice things for herself" might be, like, buying decent clothes for herself that don't embarrass her in her position/milieu. Having a promising career path and being upwardly mobile sometimes means spending more to establish yourself as fitting into that position. I'm in a six-figure position and I feel like people scrutinize what I wear, what neighborhood I live in, the car I drive to see if it stacks up. I could ignore it, and often do, but there's a social/career cost associated with that. As for borrowing money, I can't help but feel like she would read this question and counter "dude, I asked you to foot the bill for dinner, like, twice. Chill out." Basically I get the sense that we're not operating with enough information from her side to answer this question in an appropriate way... Also, this may be hard to believe, but 50k and 100k aren't as far apart as you might imagine. Both salaries leave you more or less comfortable but both still feel solidly middle class. She probably imagines that you're in the same sort of status that she is. The hangups here are with you, not her.
posted by naju at 4:15 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
♂ I'm frugal, trying to pay off debt, and want to become financially independent someday.
The financial stuff is a head-scratcher: twice she's asked me for money because of budget woes, but she earns nearly double my salary!
Since so many people are bringing this and other points up as a red flag, I have to say I don't necessarily trust your bullet points as being neutral and objective. I bet she would have completely different bullet points than this, and paint herself as being barely put together and still figuring out her life. "Justifies buying nice things for herself" might be, like, buying decent clothes for herself that don't embarrass her in her position/milieu. Having a promising career path and being upwardly mobile sometimes means spending more to establish yourself as fitting into that position. I'm in a six-figure position and I feel like people scrutinize what I wear, what neighborhood I live in, the car I drive to see if it stacks up. I could ignore it, and often do, but there's a social/career cost associated with that. As for borrowing money, I can't help but feel like she would read this question and counter "dude, I asked you to foot the bill for dinner, like, twice. Chill out." Basically I get the sense that we're not operating with enough information from her side to answer this question in an appropriate way... Also, this may be hard to believe, but 50k and 100k aren't as far apart as you might imagine. Both salaries leave you more or less comfortable but both still feel solidly middle class. She probably imagines that you're in the same sort of status that she is. The hangups here are with you, not her.
posted by naju at 4:15 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
if your sense of masculinity requires you to be above your romantic partner, it's not doing you any good. trying to find a way to not feel like you're feeling and protecting your masculinity aren't compatible goals. you have to give up the idea that your partner succeeding emasculates you.
once you manage to untangle that, i thnk it's perfectly valid to discuss different attitudes towards spending and saving. how much she makes and what she spends her money on is a red herring. if you want this relationship to progress to [wherever your relationship escalator takes you], you have to figure out if you have similar goals with regards to money. but you can't do that while you're wrapped up in all this gender essentialism - it's bullshit and it's poisoning you (and if you let it, it'll poison your relationship).
posted by nadawi at 4:17 PM on March 28, 2016
once you manage to untangle that, i thnk it's perfectly valid to discuss different attitudes towards spending and saving. how much she makes and what she spends her money on is a red herring. if you want this relationship to progress to [wherever your relationship escalator takes you], you have to figure out if you have similar goals with regards to money. but you can't do that while you're wrapped up in all this gender essentialism - it's bullshit and it's poisoning you (and if you let it, it'll poison your relationship).
posted by nadawi at 4:17 PM on March 28, 2016
Maybe turn this around from being a problem to something you can delight in?
You make 50 plus or whatever and work these long hours. You are frugal and have managed to pay down your debt in a sensible way. You learn new skills and work out. Not everyone does as well as this, by any means.
Then along comes this genius girl, with her posh job and her posh dinners, and chooses you above the lawyers and doctors she was dating earlier! Score!
She even comes to you for financial support once in a while, so you get your "masculinity" hit, if that's what you're into. What's more, I would suggest "masculinity", if it's a worthwhile concept at all, is not about outdoing the legitimate achievements of the woman you're with, or asserting dominance of an economic kind or of any other sort.
What is it then? Too complex to get into, but if this woman is still with you, you're probably doing fine in that respect. Relax and enjoy.
posted by Pechorin at 4:37 PM on March 28, 2016
You make 50 plus or whatever and work these long hours. You are frugal and have managed to pay down your debt in a sensible way. You learn new skills and work out. Not everyone does as well as this, by any means.
Then along comes this genius girl, with her posh job and her posh dinners, and chooses you above the lawyers and doctors she was dating earlier! Score!
She even comes to you for financial support once in a while, so you get your "masculinity" hit, if that's what you're into. What's more, I would suggest "masculinity", if it's a worthwhile concept at all, is not about outdoing the legitimate achievements of the woman you're with, or asserting dominance of an economic kind or of any other sort.
What is it then? Too complex to get into, but if this woman is still with you, you're probably doing fine in that respect. Relax and enjoy.
posted by Pechorin at 4:37 PM on March 28, 2016
First off you should accept your feelings around this as well as the fact that you find it difficult when your gf is more successful than you. That is who you are (maybe) and that is okay. As long as you don't let it derail your life. Other than that you can try and see whether your achievements give you a sense of fulfillment. Are you just earning to pay the bills or are you doing what you want to do in life. That might itself be the problem-not your gf's success.
posted by stepup at 5:33 PM on March 28, 2016
posted by stepup at 5:33 PM on March 28, 2016
We still have a lot in common, get on great, have good conversation, and generally enjoy each other's company.
That's good, those things are important in a relationship.
I want to 'be a man' about this, and need to figure out how to not let her success make me feel any less of myself.
This has nothing to do with being a man. It has nothing to do with you at all. Her personal successes are not about you.
I'm pretty insecure about my position in life already, and am working really hard to try to improve it (by getting promotions, learning new skills, working out, etc). If being in a different tax bracket means it won't work out, I'd like a does of reality. I'd rather make it work though, and am keen on learning how to deal.
You want a dose of reality? OK then. Your concept of masculinity - any concept of masculinity - is total, utter bullshit. You - and only you - get to decide the kind of person you are, and the kind of person you want to be. Are you the kind of person who is happy for their lover because things are going their way, and all their hard work is paying off? Or are you the kind of person who wants to drive away anyone who they can't lord over?
Regarding not blowing your budget; just be open and honest with her as to what your budget is. Abandon your pride - this is supposed to be someone you can trust, and pride in this scenario is more damaging than helpful. If she's really earning that much more than you, she may just forget that you have a tighter budget than her.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:13 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
That's good, those things are important in a relationship.
I want to 'be a man' about this, and need to figure out how to not let her success make me feel any less of myself.
This has nothing to do with being a man. It has nothing to do with you at all. Her personal successes are not about you.
I'm pretty insecure about my position in life already, and am working really hard to try to improve it (by getting promotions, learning new skills, working out, etc). If being in a different tax bracket means it won't work out, I'd like a does of reality. I'd rather make it work though, and am keen on learning how to deal.
You want a dose of reality? OK then. Your concept of masculinity - any concept of masculinity - is total, utter bullshit. You - and only you - get to decide the kind of person you are, and the kind of person you want to be. Are you the kind of person who is happy for their lover because things are going their way, and all their hard work is paying off? Or are you the kind of person who wants to drive away anyone who they can't lord over?
Regarding not blowing your budget; just be open and honest with her as to what your budget is. Abandon your pride - this is supposed to be someone you can trust, and pride in this scenario is more damaging than helpful. If she's really earning that much more than you, she may just forget that you have a tighter budget than her.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:13 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I guess, ultimately: is your idea of masculinity being better than women? Must you be superior to your girlfriend in order to feel secure? Does this come from a place of wanting to be in power? Does it come from a place of wanting to feel necessary and depended upon?
Consider consciously coming up with a personal way of expressing your masculinity that does not depend on being superior to the person you are with. Or to anyone. Let's say you dated a poor woman with a blue collar job and suddenly you felt much better about yourself. You haven't changed, yet you consider yourself more of a man? This does not make sense. You need a way to define your masculinity that doesn't put the burden of proof on your girlfriend or anyone else.
posted by Cygnet at 3:24 AM on March 29, 2016 [7 favorites]
Consider consciously coming up with a personal way of expressing your masculinity that does not depend on being superior to the person you are with. Or to anyone. Let's say you dated a poor woman with a blue collar job and suddenly you felt much better about yourself. You haven't changed, yet you consider yourself more of a man? This does not make sense. You need a way to define your masculinity that doesn't put the burden of proof on your girlfriend or anyone else.
posted by Cygnet at 3:24 AM on March 29, 2016 [7 favorites]
If you want to be in competition with your SO, you should at least make it fun. Who can make the best pancakes? Who can clean the bathroom fastest? Who can wrap up the trash in the most decorative way before taking it out? Who is better at making restaurant workers smile?
There are tons of ways that some people are better than others. You've created a list in which you think she wins in all the competitions (some of which, like the budget, are not really true) so you should expand your list and let the competition be more friendly and more balanced as to who is the "winner".
posted by CathyG at 5:51 PM on March 29, 2016
There are tons of ways that some people are better than others. You've created a list in which you think she wins in all the competitions (some of which, like the budget, are not really true) so you should expand your list and let the competition be more friendly and more balanced as to who is the "winner".
posted by CathyG at 5:51 PM on March 29, 2016
I'm in a similar situation, but on a smaller scale. I struggle with jealousy over my GF's position at work and it makes me feel like less of a person because of her success. I try to tell myself that it really doesn't matter who's doing better than who, who makes more money than who because at the end of the day you're a team, but there are times in which it's hard to keep that in mind.
I'm more educated than my GF, have more work experience and served in the military but I've struggled to find work that pays well even after earning my BS.
My girlfriend on the other hand has much less work experience than I do, doesn't have a degree, yet she's managed to find a much better job. A few months ago her boss randomly came up to her and said, "how about we get you a promotion or a higher salary?" I admit it was hard to be happy for her. My GF has always been the kind of person where other people look out for her. For some reason she's always been in a position where management takes care of her, she was supported by her family for a long time, and in general she's had a very easy life (her words, btw).
I still haven't navigated the waters of my jealousy yet and for awhile it led to a lot of resentment on my part, even going as far as playing the victim. Why do all the good things happen to her and not me? I've done A, B and C in life, I'm way more deserving than she is, etc. At one point it got so bad I was considering breaking up with her but had a few therapy sessions instead. My counselor reminded me that the jealousy and inferiority I feel is really just a reflection on myself and that rings very true. I'm uncomfortable seeing her succeed because I feel like a failure in life. I had all these great plan, none have worked out and I'm far from where I thought I'd be at 28 and now this woman has come along and surpassed me and it stings. She recently got a raise whereas I haven't seen one in 2 years but instead of getting upset, I think I'll turn this energy into something useful, such as finding a better position within my company, changing careers altogether, or possibly returning to school.
Competition and jealousy are very damaging to a relationship, so please don't let your situation get to where mine was a few months ago. I didn't even want to speak to her, I felt like she was a stranger to me, and I outright told her she's not as deserving as I am and I don't want to hear about her work life anymore. I'm amazed she's still with me, so I hope you will avoid things escalating to that point.
posted by Firestorm 2018 at 8:50 AM on June 4, 2016
I'm more educated than my GF, have more work experience and served in the military but I've struggled to find work that pays well even after earning my BS.
My girlfriend on the other hand has much less work experience than I do, doesn't have a degree, yet she's managed to find a much better job. A few months ago her boss randomly came up to her and said, "how about we get you a promotion or a higher salary?" I admit it was hard to be happy for her. My GF has always been the kind of person where other people look out for her. For some reason she's always been in a position where management takes care of her, she was supported by her family for a long time, and in general she's had a very easy life (her words, btw).
I still haven't navigated the waters of my jealousy yet and for awhile it led to a lot of resentment on my part, even going as far as playing the victim. Why do all the good things happen to her and not me? I've done A, B and C in life, I'm way more deserving than she is, etc. At one point it got so bad I was considering breaking up with her but had a few therapy sessions instead. My counselor reminded me that the jealousy and inferiority I feel is really just a reflection on myself and that rings very true. I'm uncomfortable seeing her succeed because I feel like a failure in life. I had all these great plan, none have worked out and I'm far from where I thought I'd be at 28 and now this woman has come along and surpassed me and it stings. She recently got a raise whereas I haven't seen one in 2 years but instead of getting upset, I think I'll turn this energy into something useful, such as finding a better position within my company, changing careers altogether, or possibly returning to school.
Competition and jealousy are very damaging to a relationship, so please don't let your situation get to where mine was a few months ago. I didn't even want to speak to her, I felt like she was a stranger to me, and I outright told her she's not as deserving as I am and I don't want to hear about her work life anymore. I'm amazed she's still with me, so I hope you will avoid things escalating to that point.
posted by Firestorm 2018 at 8:50 AM on June 4, 2016
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Jobs aren't even measures of success, unless you're counting dollars. Jobs are simply the way we earn money to live our lives. I make more than Husbunny, so what? He's very happy in the career he's chosen, and he likes his no stress job. Could he make more if he wanted to? Yes, but that's not as important to him as being comfortable.
Some folks have it easier than others in life, they got blessed with brains, beauty, wealthy family or unbelievable drive. Good for them. All you can be is the best YOU. And frankly, if she's cool with you, you should be doubly cool with you. She chose you after all.
We high driving, smart women like our men for who they are, inside, you bring more to the relationship than cash and prestige. You bring a good soul who's essentially a nice person and who sees us as an equal.
If you think therapy would help, do that. If you think talking to her about it will help, do that.
If you get up, go to work and come home and share the work equally, you're a GREAT man already.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:11 AM on March 28, 2016 [8 favorites]