Neglect in marriage, identification and impact?
August 22, 2023 2:54 AM Subscribe
Please help me get my head around the concept of neglect in a marriage. I would appreciate links to insightful reads, as well as your personal understanding of its nature and consequences.
Sigh. A painful one, but... Years ago, I told a therapist about my marriage dynamics and he said "Neglect is a form of abuse." I blew that off as overstating the case, but as the years have gone by I see that I should have spent much, much more time with that statement. I am perched at the edge of divorce (I am hoping for mediation) and I need to understand, well, what the hell just didn't happen.
What does neglect mean in context of a marital relationship? What kinds of impacts does it have? How much complicity do I have in having accepted the lack of connection, time, sex, dates, attention, attunement? How should I have fought back against an absence, especially when it was beyond my ability to stop him from being checked out of the marriage? (I tried. A lot.) How do I pick myself up enough to make requests in the mediation process? (I am full of doubt over my worth, because why else would I be neglected, and accept it? What does recovery from neglect look like? And how do you stand up for yourself in the middle of feeling unworthy?) How can I accept that the absence of certain things had an impact? How would I even measure it? What advice is out there about recovering from neglect in this way? Please be kind, I'm feeling fragile about this.
Sigh. A painful one, but... Years ago, I told a therapist about my marriage dynamics and he said "Neglect is a form of abuse." I blew that off as overstating the case, but as the years have gone by I see that I should have spent much, much more time with that statement. I am perched at the edge of divorce (I am hoping for mediation) and I need to understand, well, what the hell just didn't happen.
What does neglect mean in context of a marital relationship? What kinds of impacts does it have? How much complicity do I have in having accepted the lack of connection, time, sex, dates, attention, attunement? How should I have fought back against an absence, especially when it was beyond my ability to stop him from being checked out of the marriage? (I tried. A lot.) How do I pick myself up enough to make requests in the mediation process? (I am full of doubt over my worth, because why else would I be neglected, and accept it? What does recovery from neglect look like? And how do you stand up for yourself in the middle of feeling unworthy?) How can I accept that the absence of certain things had an impact? How would I even measure it? What advice is out there about recovering from neglect in this way? Please be kind, I'm feeling fragile about this.
I don’t know about your wedding vows, but mine included “to love and to cherish.”
My spouse is not the PDA-type, flower-buying guy. I would say our marriage is more independent than a lot in that we each pursue our interests hard even when they don’t align (example - most years he does an 11-day silent retreat without me; I do a tourist-whirlwind tour of somewhere with my girlfriend, whose travel style matches mine.)
But he makes me coffee most mornings, knows all the details I share with him, advises me, we do projects together, and we roll around with each other regularly. We’ve been married 29 years next month and one of the things I hate about being over 50 is it feels like another 29 is optimistic…and I would like that.
I say this not to hurt you but to point out - that’s what we promised each other. All in. Frankly, some years that’s been hard. I personally have had to choose, sit in my therapist’s office and choose whether to honour those vows, or end it.
Your spouse has chosen not to. Those vows are actually more important to me than the “foresaking all others” that followed that clause. Marriage is a partnership. If you had a disengaged business partnership, you’d end it. You’d take your investment back. This is even more so - it’s not a job, it’s your life. It doesn’t have to be abuse to have violated your vows.
In terms of asking for things…look, if you’ve let his neglect make you small, that’s a little on you but it’s also a very rational response to the situation. You can’t go back in time. But you can behave differently. Here, you don’t have to change your feelings. Get a good lawyer, please- it’s worth it. (I’ve generally only seen mediation go wrong, but you can still have a lawyer in mediation.) do things your lawyer tells you regardless of your feelings of self-worth (obviously keep an eye on your lawyer too but..,take their advice.) sort out the feelings not on the legal billable hours. But you don’t have to feel a certain way. Just act in your self-interest by hiring a pro to look after that.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:36 AM on August 22, 2023 [20 favorites]
My spouse is not the PDA-type, flower-buying guy. I would say our marriage is more independent than a lot in that we each pursue our interests hard even when they don’t align (example - most years he does an 11-day silent retreat without me; I do a tourist-whirlwind tour of somewhere with my girlfriend, whose travel style matches mine.)
But he makes me coffee most mornings, knows all the details I share with him, advises me, we do projects together, and we roll around with each other regularly. We’ve been married 29 years next month and one of the things I hate about being over 50 is it feels like another 29 is optimistic…and I would like that.
I say this not to hurt you but to point out - that’s what we promised each other. All in. Frankly, some years that’s been hard. I personally have had to choose, sit in my therapist’s office and choose whether to honour those vows, or end it.
Your spouse has chosen not to. Those vows are actually more important to me than the “foresaking all others” that followed that clause. Marriage is a partnership. If you had a disengaged business partnership, you’d end it. You’d take your investment back. This is even more so - it’s not a job, it’s your life. It doesn’t have to be abuse to have violated your vows.
In terms of asking for things…look, if you’ve let his neglect make you small, that’s a little on you but it’s also a very rational response to the situation. You can’t go back in time. But you can behave differently. Here, you don’t have to change your feelings. Get a good lawyer, please- it’s worth it. (I’ve generally only seen mediation go wrong, but you can still have a lawyer in mediation.) do things your lawyer tells you regardless of your feelings of self-worth (obviously keep an eye on your lawyer too but..,take their advice.) sort out the feelings not on the legal billable hours. But you don’t have to feel a certain way. Just act in your self-interest by hiring a pro to look after that.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:36 AM on August 22, 2023 [20 favorites]
I’ve experienced neglect but there were also cruel statements and lots of noise making (heavy sighing and breathing etc) that expressed unhappiness and disapproval. So it’s hard to parse out the neglect… but let me see… I suppose it’s not listening to me when I talk (asking me questions later that show he didn’t understand or hadn’t listened)… asking questions that show a misalignment in the conversation. Not wanting to see my friends or family. Not asking or being interested in books or hobbies I was sharing about. Eventually not getting me birthday or Christmas gifts. Turning on the television while I’m mid sentence. Not wanting to help me with things anymore. Only giving me the same compliment for the entire marriage. Turning the lights off while I’m still in the room. Walking out of the room saying “I’m still listening” SO OFTEN.
posted by flink at 5:35 AM on August 22, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by flink at 5:35 AM on August 22, 2023 [6 favorites]
Love is a verb.
If you love someone, this means taking action regularly to demonstrate that love -- and it has to be done in such a way that the recipient feels that love-as-a-verb, feels cherished, feels cared for, feels like they matter.
The absence of this may not be abuse, but it is certainly neglect.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:47 AM on August 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
If you love someone, this means taking action regularly to demonstrate that love -- and it has to be done in such a way that the recipient feels that love-as-a-verb, feels cherished, feels cared for, feels like they matter.
The absence of this may not be abuse, but it is certainly neglect.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:47 AM on August 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
Guess I want to add that "love language" thing. If someone wants to love you by (for example) providing a stable household, lots of money, and largely leaving you to your own devices, that may be love for some people, but if it isn't what you want/need, then it isn't love for you, and it's okay to say the relationship isn't working.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:51 AM on August 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:51 AM on August 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
What does neglect mean in context of a marital relationship?
This comes up in the Talmud. Even if you're not Jewish, maybe it's helpful to see that 2000 years ago a bunch of men thought it was important enough to spell out the obligations that spouses had to each other, specifically regarding sex. Withholding sex on either end is a serious offense, and grounds for divorce.
posted by damayanti at 6:15 AM on August 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
This comes up in the Talmud. Even if you're not Jewish, maybe it's helpful to see that 2000 years ago a bunch of men thought it was important enough to spell out the obligations that spouses had to each other, specifically regarding sex. Withholding sex on either end is a serious offense, and grounds for divorce.
posted by damayanti at 6:15 AM on August 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
What did neglect look like in my marriage? Trying every day to make things nice for my spouse, and them making fun of and/or rejecting my efforts. Whenever something happened, good or bad, watching them choose the joke or the clever retort rather than sharing their real feelings or reactions. Craving their attention and not getting it, for years on end. Watching them withhold care from their parents because of old, unresolved hurts and wounds, and wondering if they might do the same to me. Trying to talk to them about their treatment of their parents and my fears, and being told "that's none of your business" Coming home from work with good news or something I was proud of, and after sharing it, hearing "ok, what's for dinner." Feeling so lonely every damn day even though my spouse was right there. Going to bed by myself every night and crying myself to sleep--even when I asked/invited them to come with me. Being desperate for them to turn on the TV after dinner, so that I could be distracted from their disinterest in me and my concerns. After sharing with them about some suicidal ideation that really scared me, having them say "I hope you feel better soon." After I left suddenly and dramatically, having them worry endlessly in therapy about when/if I would come home, but never hearing them say "I miss you" or "Please come home" or "I'm scared" or "I want to stay married."
My marriage didn't start out this way, but it ended this way.
posted by OrangeDisk at 6:46 AM on August 22, 2023 [17 favorites]
My marriage didn't start out this way, but it ended this way.
posted by OrangeDisk at 6:46 AM on August 22, 2023 [17 favorites]
How do I pick myself up enough to make requests in the mediation process? (I am full of doubt over my worth...
You don't. You hire a lawyer to make demands. This is not the time to practice self-assertion. You don't feel on an equal footing with your abusive ex during mediation because you're not. This person knows you are full of doubt over your worth and they will use mediation to exploit that. They didn't respect you as an equal during the best of times; they're not going to suddenly be fair and respectful now.
posted by headnsouth at 6:47 AM on August 22, 2023 [29 favorites]
You don't. You hire a lawyer to make demands. This is not the time to practice self-assertion. You don't feel on an equal footing with your abusive ex during mediation because you're not. This person knows you are full of doubt over your worth and they will use mediation to exploit that. They didn't respect you as an equal during the best of times; they're not going to suddenly be fair and respectful now.
posted by headnsouth at 6:47 AM on August 22, 2023 [29 favorites]
I may be an outlier, but I feel very very strongly that neglect in a relationship between adults (where no power disparity is present, so not an elderly person and their caretaker) is not abuse, and it is dangerous to call it that. I have had that argument with my own therapist. In a broad sense, abuse is doing something TO someone and neglect is an extreme form of withdrawing FROM someone. To conflate the two is a slippery slope because it presupposes that people are entitled to things from other people -- sex, affection, conversation, time, emotional resources. Are those all healthy things to have in a marriage/relationship? Of course. Are we entitled to it from our partners in some fundamental way where failure to meet those needs is tantamount to abuse? Absolutely not. (Again, this does not apply to parent-child relationships if the child is a minor or otherwise dependent).
I say this as someone who did experience neglect in a marriage, and eventually got divorced largely because of that -- so my position is not self-serving in trying to exculpate my own conduct. I say this because once you accept emotional needs as entitlements, and label someone who is refusing to meet those needs an abuser, the framework of consent that should inform romantic relationships is compromised.
Having said that, neglect is absolutely real and horrible. What it means to me is: willful refusal to attune to a partner and to meet their emotional needs (I am including affection and sex under the emotional needs umbrella here), compounded by a refusal to metacommunicate about it, or to do any emotional labor to ensure that both partners feel cared about, heard, and supported. And I am so sorry you felt like that!
It is absolutely an understandable reason to divorce. Someone neglecting you makes them a bad partner. It just does not make them an abuser. But abuse is not the only reason to leave a relationship.
In terms of your question: "How do I pick myself up enough to make requests in the mediation process?" Is this legal mediation related to divorce? If so, you need to have your own lawyer who will look out for you and will help you fake it till you make it in terms of advocating for yourself. Any mediator will suggest, and some will insist, that both of you have your own lawyers to look over any mediation agreement.
Also you sound like you already have a therapist -- can you request that you focus your work in therapy specifically around this question, and building up your self-esteem in a way that will help you get through this process where even if you feel like your worth is in doubt, you need to think and act like your worth is high?
In terms of recovery, when I was in your place, I found myself gravitating towards things that filled my bucket in terms of things I lacked in my marriage. My ex-husband was not verbally or physically affectionate, we had a dead bedroom for a long time, and he never wanted to do anything with me -- travel, going to see art, theater, etc. My next partner, although he had a host of problems himself, and we are not together now, was an "11" on a 1-10 scale of how affectionate he was verbally and physically for the entirety of the six years we were together, our sex life always had a consistent baseline, and we constantly traveled, went to see art, theater, etc. -- all the things that were important to me in terms of sharing experiences and making memories together. Even though the relationship did not work out in the end, because it was ultimately untenable due to his relationship with alcohol and refusal to do any work on himself, and I would not pick someone like him now, the relationship was very healing and corrective while it lasted, and I am sure I picked him because what I needed more than anything was to experience these things that I lacked in my marriage.
I don't know if it's possible to quantify harm that comes from neglect, but it is possible to narrate and even enumerate it. And once you have a list, you can think about how you can look for relationships and connections that will build up your self-esteem and give you an experience of those specific needs being met.
And, as an addendum, if part of the neglect in your marriage was your spouse's substance abuse (not saying it was, just it occurred to me, because it's well-known that an addict's primary relationship is with their substance of choice), I highly recommend Al-Anon, even if it's just going for a few meetings.
posted by virve at 6:53 AM on August 22, 2023 [18 favorites]
I say this as someone who did experience neglect in a marriage, and eventually got divorced largely because of that -- so my position is not self-serving in trying to exculpate my own conduct. I say this because once you accept emotional needs as entitlements, and label someone who is refusing to meet those needs an abuser, the framework of consent that should inform romantic relationships is compromised.
Having said that, neglect is absolutely real and horrible. What it means to me is: willful refusal to attune to a partner and to meet their emotional needs (I am including affection and sex under the emotional needs umbrella here), compounded by a refusal to metacommunicate about it, or to do any emotional labor to ensure that both partners feel cared about, heard, and supported. And I am so sorry you felt like that!
It is absolutely an understandable reason to divorce. Someone neglecting you makes them a bad partner. It just does not make them an abuser. But abuse is not the only reason to leave a relationship.
In terms of your question: "How do I pick myself up enough to make requests in the mediation process?" Is this legal mediation related to divorce? If so, you need to have your own lawyer who will look out for you and will help you fake it till you make it in terms of advocating for yourself. Any mediator will suggest, and some will insist, that both of you have your own lawyers to look over any mediation agreement.
Also you sound like you already have a therapist -- can you request that you focus your work in therapy specifically around this question, and building up your self-esteem in a way that will help you get through this process where even if you feel like your worth is in doubt, you need to think and act like your worth is high?
In terms of recovery, when I was in your place, I found myself gravitating towards things that filled my bucket in terms of things I lacked in my marriage. My ex-husband was not verbally or physically affectionate, we had a dead bedroom for a long time, and he never wanted to do anything with me -- travel, going to see art, theater, etc. My next partner, although he had a host of problems himself, and we are not together now, was an "11" on a 1-10 scale of how affectionate he was verbally and physically for the entirety of the six years we were together, our sex life always had a consistent baseline, and we constantly traveled, went to see art, theater, etc. -- all the things that were important to me in terms of sharing experiences and making memories together. Even though the relationship did not work out in the end, because it was ultimately untenable due to his relationship with alcohol and refusal to do any work on himself, and I would not pick someone like him now, the relationship was very healing and corrective while it lasted, and I am sure I picked him because what I needed more than anything was to experience these things that I lacked in my marriage.
I don't know if it's possible to quantify harm that comes from neglect, but it is possible to narrate and even enumerate it. And once you have a list, you can think about how you can look for relationships and connections that will build up your self-esteem and give you an experience of those specific needs being met.
And, as an addendum, if part of the neglect in your marriage was your spouse's substance abuse (not saying it was, just it occurred to me, because it's well-known that an addict's primary relationship is with their substance of choice), I highly recommend Al-Anon, even if it's just going for a few meetings.
posted by virve at 6:53 AM on August 22, 2023 [18 favorites]
I feel very very strongly that neglect in a relationship between adults (where no power disparity is present, so not an elderly person and their caretaker) is not abuse, and it is dangerous to call it that.
I agree with this. "Neglect is abuse" is true in a relationship where the neglected party is unable (because they are a minor or dependent) to get their needs met elsewhere. Otherwise it's just, you know, grounds for divorce.
A person does not need to be abusive for you to leave them. Being a shitty partner is more than enough.
posted by restless_nomad at 6:56 AM on August 22, 2023 [23 favorites]
I agree with this. "Neglect is abuse" is true in a relationship where the neglected party is unable (because they are a minor or dependent) to get their needs met elsewhere. Otherwise it's just, you know, grounds for divorce.
A person does not need to be abusive for you to leave them. Being a shitty partner is more than enough.
posted by restless_nomad at 6:56 AM on August 22, 2023 [23 favorites]
I've heard a lot of good things about the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. Its focus is on gendered labor in partnerships, but a lot of the concepts can probably be applied more broadly.
posted by radiogreentea at 7:14 AM on August 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by radiogreentea at 7:14 AM on August 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
"How much complicity do I have in having accepted the lack of connection, time, sex, dates, attention, attunement? How should I have fought back against an absence, especially when it was beyond my ability to stop him from being checked out of the marriage? (I tried. A lot.)"
That parenthetical aside--"I tried. A lot."--should be your mantra, not your afterthought. You TRIED A LOT! You were NOT "complicit." You DID "fight back." You did the best you could with the tools you had to get what you needed out of the relationship. And initiating a divorce, or even just accepting its inevitability, stand as actions you choose to take because you know that your legitimate needs weren't or couldn't be met in the marriage.
"How do I pick myself up enough to make requests in the mediation process? (I am full of doubt over my worth, because why else would I be neglected, and accept it?)"
You did not accept it. Remember? You tried. A lot. You are 100% worthy of not only being loved in the way you needed to be loved in first place but also fairness in the aftermath. Everyone is worthy of that.
Divorces rarely have the effect of making our former partners better versions of themselves; a withholding person inside of the marriage is very likely to be even more withholding in the divorce process. So whenever you're feeling like you failed to prioritize your needs inside of the marriage, see that as an opportunity for you to grow and to prioritize your needs now and for the future--rather than as evidence that you aren't worthy-enough to make any requests--in the mediation process.
Also, what everyone else said: lawyer.
posted by pinkacademic at 7:29 AM on August 22, 2023 [8 favorites]
That parenthetical aside--"I tried. A lot."--should be your mantra, not your afterthought. You TRIED A LOT! You were NOT "complicit." You DID "fight back." You did the best you could with the tools you had to get what you needed out of the relationship. And initiating a divorce, or even just accepting its inevitability, stand as actions you choose to take because you know that your legitimate needs weren't or couldn't be met in the marriage.
"How do I pick myself up enough to make requests in the mediation process? (I am full of doubt over my worth, because why else would I be neglected, and accept it?)"
You did not accept it. Remember? You tried. A lot. You are 100% worthy of not only being loved in the way you needed to be loved in first place but also fairness in the aftermath. Everyone is worthy of that.
Divorces rarely have the effect of making our former partners better versions of themselves; a withholding person inside of the marriage is very likely to be even more withholding in the divorce process. So whenever you're feeling like you failed to prioritize your needs inside of the marriage, see that as an opportunity for you to grow and to prioritize your needs now and for the future--rather than as evidence that you aren't worthy-enough to make any requests--in the mediation process.
Also, what everyone else said: lawyer.
posted by pinkacademic at 7:29 AM on August 22, 2023 [8 favorites]
Yes I like the other answers about neglect plus a power disparity. If your partner is neglecting you and exerting power and control in other ways, like financially making it hard to leave or treating you this way but encouraging you to pay for vacations and take out loans and also being rude to all your friends and family so eventually you are alone… then neglect one form of abuse among a pattern.
posted by flink at 9:10 AM on August 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by flink at 9:10 AM on August 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
(I am full of doubt over my worth, because why else would I be neglected, and accept it? What does recovery from neglect look like? And how do you stand up for yourself in the middle of feeling unworthy?) How can I accept that the absence of certain things had an impact?
I think one of the struggles you're experiencing is feeling like you are an unreliable narrator of your own life - Did this really happen to me? What's wrong with me that I let this happen? Where did I go wrong? I must have missed something. I'm an idiot? etc.
Part of your recovery and acceptance and reclaiming your self-worth needs to be about reclaiming your faith in yourself as a reliable narrator of your life. This neglect did happen (whether or not it was abuse) and it was awful and it is not evidence of your lack of worth or abilities. You did not bring this neglect on yourself, rather your spouse committed these acts of neglect on you. You could speculate on their intent - maliciousness/abuse, their own psychological damage, selfishness, cluelessness - but I'm not sure that you would ever get a satisfactory answer.
I dislike and am terrible at journalling, but I have found it a useful therapeutic tool especially in times when I need to reassure myself that I am a reliable narrator of my own life. You need to reframe your narrative around your marriage. I think one thing you can do for your own recovery is to journal about this neglect. Start with picking out 10-15 of the most egregious examples of neglect and rewrite them not as evidence of you doing something wrong, but of your spouse's negative impact. Their actions (or non actions) were this and they impacted you this way.
I also think you should be very cautious about mediation. I think it's great to not want an acrimonious divorce, but it would be hard to go into mediation when one party does not accept/realize/acknowledge their part in harm that was caused. If your spouse is in denial about their responsibility for this situation, then I don't think you will be entering mediation on an equal footing and that is not good.
posted by brookeb at 10:14 AM on August 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
I think one of the struggles you're experiencing is feeling like you are an unreliable narrator of your own life - Did this really happen to me? What's wrong with me that I let this happen? Where did I go wrong? I must have missed something. I'm an idiot? etc.
Part of your recovery and acceptance and reclaiming your self-worth needs to be about reclaiming your faith in yourself as a reliable narrator of your life. This neglect did happen (whether or not it was abuse) and it was awful and it is not evidence of your lack of worth or abilities. You did not bring this neglect on yourself, rather your spouse committed these acts of neglect on you. You could speculate on their intent - maliciousness/abuse, their own psychological damage, selfishness, cluelessness - but I'm not sure that you would ever get a satisfactory answer.
I dislike and am terrible at journalling, but I have found it a useful therapeutic tool especially in times when I need to reassure myself that I am a reliable narrator of my own life. You need to reframe your narrative around your marriage. I think one thing you can do for your own recovery is to journal about this neglect. Start with picking out 10-15 of the most egregious examples of neglect and rewrite them not as evidence of you doing something wrong, but of your spouse's negative impact. Their actions (or non actions) were this and they impacted you this way.
I also think you should be very cautious about mediation. I think it's great to not want an acrimonious divorce, but it would be hard to go into mediation when one party does not accept/realize/acknowledge their part in harm that was caused. If your spouse is in denial about their responsibility for this situation, then I don't think you will be entering mediation on an equal footing and that is not good.
posted by brookeb at 10:14 AM on August 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
I recently read the book Lady Parts by Deborah Copaken. There was a significant section of the book spent to describing the end of her marriage, due to neglect. You may find it helpful to read, as she has the distance from the divorce to see it clearly.
posted by bluloo at 10:52 AM on August 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by bluloo at 10:52 AM on August 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
Neglect communicates: "Your needs, well-being, comfort, and inclusion don't matter to me." Children of neglectful parents often have a harder time healing from their childhood trauma than children of physically abusive parents because it's easier to understand "they didn't know how to parent me without violence" than "they didn't parent me." Neglect has the effect of making a person question whether they actually deserve to have their needs met, whether they actually matter, whether they might secretly just be unworthy of anyone's time or attention.
I think it's a distraction to try to categorize all neglect in marriage as either abuse or not-abuse. I don't know if it's more accurate to characterize your experience as one of abuse or more run of the mill shitty behavior, but either way you've been in a marriage with someone who has been unable or unwilling to attend to your needs and desires. You stand up for yourself--at least in part--by choosing to believe you are worthy. (I know, easier said than done, but bear with me.) He has treated you like an unworthy person, but that doesn't make it so. Your therapist may have recommendations for exercises to try, or ways to explore this in sessions. You can get a workbook (here's a list of several on self-love, here's one on self-compassion). Right now, you are primed to pick up on and accept evidence that you are unworthy, so you need to counter that bias with new inputs of evidence that you are worthy. Humans are pattern-detectors. You're probably really good at noticing new pieces of the "I'm unworthy" pattern. So this will be hard. That's ok. Take the energy you're putting into examining your role in the marriage and redirect it toward believing in your own worthiness. Accepting your own worthiness will not prevent you from recognizing past mistakes, personal flaws, etc. But you won't get an accurate view of your marriage without finding a sense of self-worth.
posted by theotherdurassister at 12:08 PM on August 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
I think it's a distraction to try to categorize all neglect in marriage as either abuse or not-abuse. I don't know if it's more accurate to characterize your experience as one of abuse or more run of the mill shitty behavior, but either way you've been in a marriage with someone who has been unable or unwilling to attend to your needs and desires. You stand up for yourself--at least in part--by choosing to believe you are worthy. (I know, easier said than done, but bear with me.) He has treated you like an unworthy person, but that doesn't make it so. Your therapist may have recommendations for exercises to try, or ways to explore this in sessions. You can get a workbook (here's a list of several on self-love, here's one on self-compassion). Right now, you are primed to pick up on and accept evidence that you are unworthy, so you need to counter that bias with new inputs of evidence that you are worthy. Humans are pattern-detectors. You're probably really good at noticing new pieces of the "I'm unworthy" pattern. So this will be hard. That's ok. Take the energy you're putting into examining your role in the marriage and redirect it toward believing in your own worthiness. Accepting your own worthiness will not prevent you from recognizing past mistakes, personal flaws, etc. But you won't get an accurate view of your marriage without finding a sense of self-worth.
posted by theotherdurassister at 12:08 PM on August 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
Here's an article about emotional neglect in relationships by Jonice Webb, who has written several books about neglect.
It might be helpful to start writing down all of the things you feel and then slowly adding to that list as you feel.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 12:12 PM on August 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
It might be helpful to start writing down all of the things you feel and then slowly adding to that list as you feel.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 12:12 PM on August 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
I found it very helpful to think about specific behaviors rather than a binary of "abuse/not abuse" or "neglect/not neglect."
The Mend Project has a good list. Some behaviors that may be particularly relevant are denial, dismissing, gaslighting, withholding, minimizing, etc. One thing I really appreciate about the Mend Project is that they clearly say that even one of these behaviors, when done repeatedly in a pattern over time, is enough to be destructive to your relationship and your sense of self.
There's also the Four Horsemen from the Gottmans (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), each of which has an antidote.
Another term for neglect is emotional withholding. I find this term easier to understand, somehow. If you're encountering emotional withholding with selective generosity, that's called breadcrumbing.
Any of these behaviors can be used in manipulative and abusive ways, especially if it's to gain control of the relationship at the expense of the other partner, even when they say "hey, that hurts!"
I am, frankly, shocked at the amount of victim-blaming you're getting in this thread. You did nothing to deserve an emotionally empty marriage, and you deserve better.
As for how to recover, here is one of my favorite pieces of writing:
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
posted by Questolicious at 10:42 PM on August 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
The Mend Project has a good list. Some behaviors that may be particularly relevant are denial, dismissing, gaslighting, withholding, minimizing, etc. One thing I really appreciate about the Mend Project is that they clearly say that even one of these behaviors, when done repeatedly in a pattern over time, is enough to be destructive to your relationship and your sense of self.
There's also the Four Horsemen from the Gottmans (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), each of which has an antidote.
Another term for neglect is emotional withholding. I find this term easier to understand, somehow. If you're encountering emotional withholding with selective generosity, that's called breadcrumbing.
Any of these behaviors can be used in manipulative and abusive ways, especially if it's to gain control of the relationship at the expense of the other partner, even when they say "hey, that hurts!"
I am, frankly, shocked at the amount of victim-blaming you're getting in this thread. You did nothing to deserve an emotionally empty marriage, and you deserve better.
As for how to recover, here is one of my favorite pieces of writing:
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
posted by Questolicious at 10:42 PM on August 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
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But a thing doesn't have to be abuse to hurt you like hell and damage you deeply. Even if you experienced neglect in its not-exactly-abusive form - where your partner is, say, completely checked out of the relationship and acts like nothing more than an unfriendly, aloof roommate - that's extremely painful and can sap your self esteem. Doubly so if you're in love with them and you keep trying to figure out why they've lost interest in you, why don't they give a shit about you, what can you do to win them back.
When I was in that situation, I read an article on Psychology Today that resonated a lot and might be helpful for you too:
> If you are in love with a person with whom you have a relationship, but who is unable to reciprocate your adoration, it can be extraordinarily painful to navigate that relationship in a way that is not consuming for you. It’s hard not to feel as if you are losing yourself. In order to be "in" it and keep it alive, you continually infuse life into the relationship, if you can call it that, by having to compromise your well-deserved longings for more. You try to convince yourself that you are okay with less in return, just to keep the connection. You may pretend it is not so, but this experience levels you and shatters you over and over. You become more confused about what you deserve and can have in this or any potential romantic relationship for that matter. It also heightens the desire, the incentive, the overwhelming "need" to win over this person once and for all so that your self-esteem will be "restored."
> Over time, when this person you adore may care deeply for you and your wellbeing, have sex with you at times, but for whatever reason cannot reciprocate the extent of your romantic feelings, it can start to make you feel crazy.
> Why? Because being in love and continuing to stay devoted to "the greatest person in the world," when it is unrequited eats away at your self-esteem and self-worth. It starts to seem as if something must be wrong with YOU, because no matter how easy, effortless, and accommodating you try to be, you cannot get more than the emotional scraps this person is willing to provide. The worse your feel, the more stuck you become. It becomes harder and harder to believe or even feel hopeful that something more reciprocal exists somewhere in the world for you. You are squeezing water from a stone because you are thirsty, as if there is no other water to be found because you have lost perspective that compromising yourself to get those scraps is such a painful disservice to you. ....
posted by MiraK at 3:13 AM on August 22, 2023 [15 favorites]