Seeking "mind hacks" to prevent ruminating while I'm on vacation

August 18, 2023 7:15 PM

I'm set to begin a much-anticipated vacation. And as luck would have it, on my last day at work today, I received some very upsetting news. I'm not in any trouble and my job isn't in jeopardy, but things are going to get unpleasant when I return. How do I stop this development from ruining my vacation?

I'm a person who is prone to ruminating and envisioning "worst case" scenarios. I was really looking forward to this trip, but now I'm afraid that I'll spend the bulk of it worrying about this work situation and plotting my strategy for fighting it when I return (I'm usually conflict-avoidant, but I need to assert myself in this case).

I leave on Monday, so it's too late to start meditating, and I'm not going to take any anxiolytics. Anybody have any suggestions about how I can still enjoy this vacation?

posted by akk2014 to Health & Fitness (27 answers total)

Best answer: The way I get through this is reframing.

Reminder to yourself: whether or not you enjoy your vacation has no impact on how unpleasant and difficult work will be when you return. In fact, if you don’t disconnect, rest, have fun, and get perspective, you’ll be less equipped to deal with it.

Speaking of perspective: it is one year from now. Things at work either went well or poorly. You asserted yourself or you didn’t. Things went the way you wanted or they went they way you feared. Or they went some other way that wasn’t perfect but it was fine. You barely remember. That was like 10 major work stress things ago. Remember that cool vacation you took?
posted by kapers at 7:40 PM on August 18, 2023 [28 favorites]

It is absolutely never too late to start meditating. You can get tremendous relief from your very first guided meditation. I recommend Headspace. I believe they have a free trial, and what I like about them is that they have meditations targeted to specific situations. For example, they have one about fear of the future, several about stress, some about ruminating, about dealing with change, about work issues, about letting go...
posted by toucan at 7:49 PM on August 18, 2023 [7 favorites]

The way I get through this is with quick compassion and then pulling myself to the present. I kind of address the part that wants to ruminate: “it’s good that you recognize that things are going to be unpleasant when you get back, and you’ll be ready for it when it comes. But right now, WE ARE HERE.” …that last phrase always coupled with smiling. Like gently redirecting the head of an anxious pup to the treat that’s sitting right next to them on the floor. Acknowledge the anxious part and come back to the present moment.

Have a whiz-bang vacation. I hope you share what you saw when you get back. :)
posted by Silvery Fish at 7:53 PM on August 18, 2023 [3 favorites]

I was taught to imagine the unwanted thought as a literal hot potato that I could envision urgently dropping on the ground or setting aside on a countertop because contact with it is hurting me, while announcing "hot potato!" internally. When I remember to use this trick it works pretty well!
posted by space snail at 8:27 PM on August 18, 2023 [8 favorites]

When I had unpleasant work stuff that I wanted to say "not now" to, I would visualize putting it into a box and closing the box, as many times as necessary. Not 100 percent, but it helped me.
posted by DebetEsse at 8:57 PM on August 18, 2023 [2 favorites]

“That’s future me’s problem!”
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:07 PM on August 18, 2023 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I'm guessing you've thought about this for a few hours already. You will think about it again when you get back to work. Will an extra 40+ hours of thinking about it make the situation better? Maybe ! Will 40+ hours of rest? Very probably. Do the smart thing and relax. Remind yourself you're doing the right thing by enjoying your vacation. Don't beat yourself up about it if you think about it sometimes though. Ruminating about it is a reflex, like scratching an itch. Sometimes it's helpful, sometimes it isn't. Right now it isn't. It's not wrong or bad. Just unhelpful right now.
posted by Garm at 9:28 PM on August 18, 2023 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Work sucks.

If your job isn't in jeopardy, fuck it. You can deal with that shit after your vacation.
posted by Windopaene at 10:19 PM on August 18, 2023

Best answer: Worrying is like popping into the future, seeing some problem happening there, and deciding to take a copy of that problem with you back into the present ... while the original problem stays in the future. Taking it into the present does nothing to affect how it might unfold in the future; all it does is take you out of the present. And the present is all we ever have. Whatever you think is going to happen at work upon your return is just some story your brain is telling itself; it isn't real, it hasn't happened, and it might never happen. Don't let that storytelling rob you of your present, it is the only time when anything ever happens.
posted by jerome powell buys his sweatbands in bulk only at 10:24 PM on August 18, 2023 [13 favorites]

Journaling helps me gets the thoughts “out” in a way that works even better than only talking to friends and a lot better than just thinking about it
posted by raccoon409 at 10:27 PM on August 18, 2023 [4 favorites]

If the other great tips don’t help and you find yourself plotting, so relatable, set aside a set amount of time to allow yourself each day for wallowing. Like 15 minutes after breakfast, or before bed or whatever. Outside that time you say to yourself “save that for worrytime” and yes, write it down instead of just mentalising it, part of the rumination circle I think is a fear of having a good defense idea or phrasing and then forgetting it. So write it down.
posted by Iteki at 10:49 PM on August 18, 2023 [8 favorites]

If you haven't already, make sure that you become basically impossible to contact by your workplace (outside of any work-mandated emergency contact required by your job). Don't look at work emails or messages and turn off any notifications. Your workplace does not need your attention while you're away, and you don't need to be giving it your attention unprompted.

I find that I need to keep my mind occupied for a while on other things to keep from ruminating and meditation is honestly not great at occupying my mind that way. You may want to have some distractions easily available so you can easily refocus your attention when you're in danger of ruminating.
posted by Aleyn at 10:55 PM on August 18, 2023 [4 favorites]

One way I deal with this (bc I have ruined vacations in exactly this way) is the name the feeling, say Oh theres That Feel again, and then tell myself, like an outsider looking in, that you think that this will be the outcome, but you cant be sure. I know I am not going to come to a new conclusion so I rob it of oxygen by playing spoiler to that part of my brain. Like playing a podcast at 100x speed, I cant make the thought go away but I can try to limit the self harm to under a minute. Each time it repeats it loses its power on me a little.
posted by drowsy at 11:12 PM on August 18, 2023 [2 favorites]

oops - respecting edit rules ill just add that each time I make sure to ask, is this awful thing happening to me right now? The answer is of course No so that helps me snap out of it.
posted by drowsy at 11:15 PM on August 18, 2023 [2 favorites]

I’d restack the itinerary to add more activities that require you to be 100% present. Drive a jet ski, ride a roller coaster, blow some glass, go surfing, something. Splash out, make it special, make it active, and do it as soon as possible. I always find it easier to forget about work once I have a fun and more recent memory to crowd it out.

Prioritize exercise, fresh air (if you have it), and healthy eating to promote good sleep. Go light on or skip alcohol.
posted by shock muppet at 12:37 AM on August 19, 2023 [2 favorites]

Best answer: so, this is just me, and maybe this answer will be justifiably deleted, but sometimes I just really need to detach from other people's bullshit by saying, in my head, in a serious, resonant tone: Fuck. you. assholes.
the swearing helps, so much. Raise a glass to it, if you need to.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:59 AM on August 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

In a similar vein to ‘that’s future me’s problem’, perhaps a helpful framing is (depending on what the actual situation is) “I will be getting paid to deal with this unpleasant situation when I am at work, right now I’m enjoying my paid time off.”
posted by TwoWordReview at 2:03 AM on August 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

What works for me is putting "Even if" next to some bad outcome. So saying to myself, "Even if X happens ..." takes the edge off for me in a big way.
posted by heavenknows at 3:22 AM on August 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I sometimes find a quick round of CBT-style thought challenging can help cut through this kind of anxious rumination. This looks long now I've written it out, but it's probably only takes about half an hour, for a whole load of peace.

1. Find a list of the Cognitive Distortions used in CBT - here's an example, with explanations.

2. Write down all the stuff that's going on in your mind, all the thoughts and fears and anticipations going on, and drill down as much as you can - what are you expecting to happen, how will you feel about it - include as many "so what's?" as you can. So not just "I'm going to have to really assert myself to Bill", but ask yourself "so what?" - why is that bad? Make it "I'm going to have to really assert myself to Bill and that will make me anxious" then come back with another "so what?" and keep going to unpack it as much as you can: "I'm going to have to really asset myself to Bill and that will make me anxious (so what?) and that will make me feel sick and not sleep (so what?), and that will be really unpleasant (so what?) and I'm worried I won't be able to cope".

3. Then go through the list of cognitive distortions, and write down which ones are cropping up in your thinking in the piece you've written. You might identify magnification in some places, black and white thinking in others, a lot of negative predictions, some personalisation, and so on.

4. Now go through and rewrite your piece, trying to correct for each of those distortions. So it becomes "I'm going to have to really asset myself to Bill, and I don't actually know how that'll turn out, it might be fine. If it isn't, I might have some anxious feelings, but I have some coping mechanisms for those. I can talk to my friend, get some exercise. And I've been through those anxious feelings before and survived, so I'll probably cope, even if it's not fun."

5. Now sit and read back your second version. I find this super-important to me, so don't skip it. I can almost feel the rumination dialling down as I read it back. In fact, doing the whole exercise in writing, pen to paper, is important rather than just in your head (for me, at least).

All of that works much better for me than trying to reason things out in my head. I know that rumination won't make me better equipped to cope with the problem, but just thinking that internally that doesn't stop it happening - if you could reason your way out of rumination that easily, it wouldn't happen. But using this kind of structure, putting pen to paper, and reading my rewritten version back to myself several times, does make a difference.

Hope you have a great holiday!
posted by penguin pie at 4:34 AM on August 19, 2023 [8 favorites]

Depending on your destination, I would recommend staying mentally occupied with your surroundings and also practicing opposite actions.

IIRC your brain basically can't be anxious while awed - so take advantage of the scenery around you or the cultural/ historical significance of nearby attractions and let yourself be moved by them.

Listen to some favorite comedians during downtime when you might be more prone to ruminating, like while on a plane or waiting in line - laughter negates anxiety.

If the work thing involves losing any safety net of sorts or having to tackle something on your own - take the opportunity during vacation to reach out and strengthen your social bonds that aren't work connected. Remind your brain that you have people in your corner in other areas of your life.

If all else fails and you can't stop from thinking about it, acknowledge it and give yourself a time limit. Literally set a timer if you can. Tell yourself you get, say, 20 minutes to think about work, but it has to be in a productive way: practice what you'll say to advocate for yourself, come up with strategies for making the best of whatever the issue is, plan for how you'll handle the changes.
posted by Saucy Possum at 5:48 AM on August 19, 2023

Best answer: How about writing out a few bullet points of the plan you will take to address this when you come back from vacation. The idea being that you've already addressed this as much as you can in the short term (and I agree with the above that you should do things where you have to be very presence).
posted by mmascolino at 7:59 AM on August 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Here's what has worked for me several times:

Spend some time as soon as possible making a plan for what you're going to do about the work situation when you return to work. A lot of ruminating comes from thinking over the situation and trying to decide what to do, so just bite the bullet and officially do that.

Then write that plan down. Because a lot of ruminating also comes from worrying about forgetting the plan. Put it in written form so that it feels safe to forget all about it for a while.

Yes, it sucks to have to do "work" stuff at the very beginning of a vacation, but the alternative is usually to be thinking about "work" stuff for the entire vacation instead.
posted by FishBike at 9:17 AM on August 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

I tell myself "Can't do anything about that right now!" and pick something else to do/look at/think about/physically move to (even just another room) ASAP.

Or, if it fits the situation and wouldn't ruin your vacation, "Can I do anything about that in the next 5 minutes?" and if so, do it (send the email, look up the information and save it and close the tab), and if not, proceed as above.

At least, that's my goal behavior and I manage it sometimes!
posted by wintersweet at 9:19 AM on August 19, 2023

Picture a stop sign that you see often. Before vacation, if possible, go stand by it and check out the size, temperature, surroundings.

When you start ruminating, imagine your stop sign as if you were standing in front of it. Imagine in as much detail as possible, particularly the sensory details.

Alternatively, if my mind is going down a bad path, I play Tetris in my head for a few minutes.
posted by tofu_crouton at 9:37 AM on August 19, 2023

Best answer: I find that writing out what I am ruminating over in my head really helps, especially if I am rehearsing a conversation about why it is the wrong thing to do or if I want to tell someone off about the situation. This makes it so I stop rehashing what I would say in my head as a way of trying to remember it for when I need it and instead write it down so that I have it and can stop going over it.

Good luck - fuck work and fuck them especially for telling you this before you went away. It's such capitalist time theft for companies to schedule emotionally difficult conversations on Fridays so that employees have to spend their own - scarce! - free time working through it rather than doing it on Monday and letting them either work through it on company time, on the clock or on sick leave, when the situation is something that the company caused.
posted by urbanlenny at 12:35 PM on August 19, 2023 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you for all the useful and creative tips. I marked a handful of them as "best answer", but all of the answers were good. Thanks again.
posted by akk2014 at 3:26 PM on August 21, 2023

You've already gotten all the excellent answers you need, but if you could use one more:

I try to keep a mental list of pleasant things I can think about instead, because it's much easier to redirect your brain than it is to just tell it to stop thinking about something.

Birding or photography is excellent for this, because I get pulled into focusing on finding the birds or focusing on the shot.

But aside from that: playing a favorite song in my head, reciting a favorite poem in my head, focusing on the individual trees around me if I'm on a walk, listing all the best moments of the past week - just having a pleasant alternative set of thoughts I can focus on helps a lot.

Enjoy your vacation!
posted by kristi at 11:37 AM on August 22, 2023