What has someone done for you when a pet has died?

July 27, 2023 2:05 PM

Would love to hear from people, what is something that a friend did for you after the loss of a pet that gave you comfort?

My friends' dog is dying, and an appointment has been made at the vet to arrange for a gentler passing tomorrow. I'd like to be there for them, but not sure what do.

Little guy is one of two dogs. He had a difficult beginning but lived several happy years as a cantankerous and occasionally bitey member of their household. I think they are wrecked by his current suffering, will probably be relieved after he passes, but also quite sad.

Has anyone given you something, said something, been there for you in some way that was a comfort to you in the weeks after losing a pet?

posted by kensington314 to Pets & Animals (27 answers total)

Kind words and a small card never hurts.
posted by y2karl at 2:13 PM on July 27, 2023 [5 favorites]

Once a friend dropped off some comfort food from a carryout place I liked, and it kind of nice to not have to worry about grieving and making dinner at the same time that day. When everything else sucks, mundane small comforts don't exactly help (because nothing will, in a sense), but they are usually appreciated.
posted by SaltySalticid at 2:18 PM on July 27, 2023 [1 favorite]

Best answer: This is a very kind question and I hope your friends find comfort in their memories of their pup.

I have made memorial gift donations to Best Friends Animal Society and appreciated it when friends did the same for me.
posted by wicked_sassy at 2:22 PM on July 27, 2023 [7 favorites]

Best answer: After my beloved boy Ollie passed, my a few of my coworkers got together and made a donation to a senior cocker spaniel rescue in his name. I was surprised and so touched.
posted by kimberussell at 2:23 PM on July 27, 2023 [5 favorites]

Just being there and treating it like the grief that it is will be good. Some people don't treat the death of a pet with the same gravitas as they do the death of a human family member, and if you do treat it as seriously, that's already going to be good.

Also, just sort of....follow their lead. When my cat died, my then-roommate and a couple friends took me out for ice cream that evening, and while we were there I talked about how I wanted to right away that weekend give everything in the apartment a good clean - clean out the closet where all of Zach's things were stored, and deep-clean the living room (some other friends had cat allergies and I wanted to sanitize it for them). My roommate didn't say anything, but made note of that - and when I got home from work the following day I found that my roommate had already taken care of the living room for me. She'd vacuumed the whole thing, even behind all the sofas, and had even taken the slipcovers to the laundromat up the street. She'd left the more sentimental cleanout of the closet for me to do, she said, but figured that pitching in to help with the more routine living room task would help. I was touched that she'd paid such close attention to what I'd said, and also actually kind of thrilled (the living room was the bit I was least interested in).

If you pay attention your friend may actually let slip about what they would need most....and then you can do it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:29 PM on July 27, 2023 [22 favorites]

They liked my Facebook post and added pictures of their own (that I didn’t know they had!) made me feel like he touched more lives than just mine.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:29 PM on July 27, 2023 [11 favorites]

Eleven years ago one of my co-workders bought the book. "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney" and had multiple other coworkers/friends sign it with condolences and memories of my dog Nica.

I just recently put down my dog Gracie and am waiting for the right time to go back and read the book and memories, as many of those who signed for Nica are still my coworkers and friends, and they also knew Gracie.
posted by ITravelMontana at 2:46 PM on July 27, 2023 [2 favorites]

A few people wrote me letters about my dog. Memories, times we all spent together and so on. That was really, really nice

Good for you for being there to help them.
posted by BibiRose at 3:02 PM on July 27, 2023 [3 favorites]

Honestly, just treating it like it's real grief and acknowledging it as deep is meaningful on its own. One of my cats passed earlier this year and I still love hearing anyone's stories or memories who met him before he was gone.
posted by augustimagination at 3:51 PM on July 27, 2023 [10 favorites]

Share pictures and memories. Let them cry at you.

A friend sent us these when our dog died in March and I appreciated them.

https://www.prayersonthewind.com

Non religious, just a nice memory. I was wrecked by our dog's death and still am at times, so follow up with them in the months to come as well.
posted by Pantengliopoli at 3:53 PM on July 27, 2023 [2 favorites]

Told me it's real grief. Put together a box of self-care items. Joined in a "wake", writing down everything and everyone my dog loved on little slips of paper. Treated that like a normal thing to do, which it should be. Brought chocolate cake. Came over and stayed late into the night so I wouldn't be alone. Gave me lots of grace for a couple of years. Checked in on me after the first grieving was over.
posted by toucan at 4:13 PM on July 27, 2023 [3 favorites]

Recently went through this and (aside from why my adult kid did, which was race to join me at the vet, sit with me, and walk me down to the park with my empty cat carrier and buy me coffee and let me cry) the nicest thing was to tell me that I did the right thing and that they knew how much I loved her and that I took such good care of her and she was a great cat. The short version of all of that is to say to your friend, "That really sucks. I'm so sorry."

The thing I wished people wouldn't do was ask me when I was getting another cat. The answer is "never" right afterwards. I am never getting another cat, right at that moment.
posted by Peach at 4:20 PM on July 27, 2023 [12 favorites]

As others have said: Follow their lead and acknowledge that it's real grief. Sending a card, dropping off a treat, making a donation to an animal shelter or another charity in the pet's name, all those are awesome.

This is above and beyond, but my brother put together a picture book off of Shutterfly of pictures he'd taken while pet sitting or when we were hanging out together with my late cat Laney. That was probably the nicest gesture anyone has ever done for me.

But here's the biggie: Listen if they want to talk about their friend who just passed. The thing I wanted to do most of all was just talk about my cats and have people understand how much they meant to me. I found that most people would say how sorry they were, and so forth, but very few people actually provided any encouragement about sharing stories. If you do that, I think they'd really appreciate it. "Tell me how you got them? What was the funniest thing they ever did?" and that kind of thing would be amazing.
posted by jzb at 4:26 PM on July 27, 2023 [5 favorites]

Many years ago, a MeFite did a portrait of my dog after reading that he'd passed away. Unfortunately I do not recall who it was, though I still have the painting in my lobby. Thanks, thoughtful-Mefite!
posted by dobbs at 4:47 PM on July 27, 2023 [2 favorites]

For a friend's dog I'd had dog sat for, I gathered up the photos and videos I'd taken of her and sent them. I know they appreciated that I had loved her too.

When a boyfriend's dog died, we had a moment where we hugged and cried after. (I was pretty close with her too.)

Treat it like any familial death. Pets are family members! I think material shows of support are good (meals/etc.) but you know your friends better than I do. Maybe they just need hugs.
posted by edencosmic at 5:55 PM on July 27, 2023 [2 favorites]

A friend made a little painting of my cat and framed it and gave it to me after he passed away. Another friend reminded me how good and safe and happy my cat was his whole life, since I was very sad about how his last few days were painful.
posted by lizard music at 5:56 PM on July 27, 2023 [2 favorites]

My dog died in spring 2021 before I was spending a lot of time with people outside my household, but friends dropped off or shipped SO many treats, like a real shiva, which I really appreciated because I did NOT feel like eating real food and babka kind of goes down no matter how bad you feel (I assume that’s why it’s such a shiva staple). But the kindest thing was my husband cleaning out the living room, which was very packed with elderly dog accommodations, so I could stand to come out of the bedroom. I’m not sure if that’s something you can easily do for a friend but a chore they can’t face would be a big one.
posted by babelfish at 6:58 PM on July 27, 2023 [2 favorites]

I just recently lost a dog who had been very special to me as well as to others in the neighborhood. What mattered most was people treating my grief as genuine and sharing their sense of loss at the passing of my sweet girl as being just as genuine. It really helped knowing that I wasn't alone in missing her.
posted by DrGail at 8:02 PM on July 27, 2023 [2 favorites]

when my lovely (first) dog died years ago, i was devastated with grief. a friend made an in memorium donation to a local pet rescue organization, and it was so meaningful for me that this is now my go-to move for others. for me, the legacy aspect of this feels needed. if the organization does something visible (e.g., posts the pet’s name in a newsletter or facebook page), i think that’s wonderful. some will send a card, but i prefer to send a card myself with a note to say “a donation has been made in memory of Your Doggo”, plus some kind words about the dog.

honestly, i wish more organizations would offer something public for in memorium donations because it’s nice to see your loved animal recognized — even in a fleeting way like social media. i think i just want people to know they were here, and they were valued and loved.

so many great stories of consolation and comfort here.
posted by tamarack at 9:25 PM on July 27, 2023 [2 favorites]

I agree with everything that's been said so far, but I would particularly like to underline something that Peach said. In the vast majority of cases (in my personal experience) our pets are euthanised at the ends of their lives. We have to make that decision, and it's absolutely devastating every time. No matter when we do it, we will always wonder afterwards if we did it too early, or left it too late, or if we could have tried a different treatment or done something differently earlier and miraculously got a few more years, etc..

This is really horrible; I have experienced it myself and I've seen my parents experience it. While I wouldn't volunteer an opinion unasked, if your friend expresses these doubts and struggles to you, I think that it would be kind to affirm that those are common feelings, and that you believe that they did what was best for their pet and that they took good care of them.
posted by confluency at 1:12 AM on July 28, 2023 [7 favorites]

I had lots of photos of my cat but not very many of us together, so I really appreciated when folks sent me photos of us that they had taken.
posted by yeahlikethat at 4:26 AM on July 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

Best answer: If your friend is at all a poetry person, they might appreciate this Pablo Neruda poem.
posted by catoclock at 4:50 AM on July 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

My father-in-law wrote a genuinely moving poem after my favorite rat died. A rat! Lots of people don't understand pet rats! And he managed to write a poem I still think fondly about even though it was decades ago.
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:51 AM on July 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

In addition to what others have said - a friend gave me a keyring with a picture of my cat etched into it, which I really appreciated and still reminds me of him when I use it. I was also touched by things people said who don't really understand loving one's pets. My mother for instance texted and said "he had a definite personality and you loved him" which is very "I am trying here but can only stick to the observable facts". Oh and people who mention him now, nearly three years on.

It may be worth knowing that some vets will make a pawprint or paw cast for the owner, if that is something your friend might like. And your friend could have the dog cremated if they would like to have the ashes.

(The corpse in the library, that is lovely!)
posted by paduasoy at 11:22 AM on July 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

My last cat died at home the day after I had called the vet to make an appointment to take her in to be put down. When I called the veterinary office the nicer vet of the two said, 'Well, bring her in and we can cremate her for you. Her urn now sits on a bookshelf. I got a small card a few days later from that vet with her paw print on it. I can not tell you how it touched my heart when I opened the envelope and opened that card
posted by y2karl at 4:08 PM on July 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

I have a photographer friend who has taken pet portraits during the last weeks/days. Even just closeups done well can offer comfort later on.

After my Other Half lost his dog of 14 years, I painted her portrait on a rock for him, and he was very touched. It's proudly displayed in his home for all to see.

When i've lost cats, the vets offices sent paw prints along with poems about the Rainbow Bridge. I had my dog cremated, and the private pet crematory sent paw and nose prints, along with her ashes in a lovely wooden box.

Even just a thoughtful card is a kind and caring thing to do.
posted by annieb at 5:30 PM on July 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

Peach, I'll second what you said - *validating that they made the right choice*, no matter what that choice was or what you think of it.

As someone who put my 16yo(!) dog down this morning, two things that others have said - follow their lead, and acknowledge that they may feel more relieved than sad - and that doesn't mean they loved their pet any less!

A friend came down to hang and be with me last night and we mostly sat around last night and read books separately, ignoring the dog on the couch between us, went out for pizza, and got back home quickly so he wasn't alone. She repeatedly agreed that "it's time" and validated what I was seeing (all signs that he was ready to go). She opted to come with me this morning (and drove for me, something I hadn't considered but really appreciated not having to think about) and dispensed tissues when needed and was down for the low key activities I suggested (late breakfast, walk).

Timing and knowing when it was time isn't something I have ever questioned - with previous dogs it was obvious, but this gentleman was on a more gradual slide for years so the validation was much appreciated.

She also made a joke afterwards (explaining it wouldn't make any sense or I'd try), which was perfect and very much appreciated. She read the room and could tell that I'd done most of my grieving before he was gone and my most overwhelming feeling was relief that he was no longer in pain. I wouldn't suggest that generally, but I'm trying to say trust your gut, if it wasn't a really tragic situation, your gut is probably right.
posted by esoteric things at 7:11 PM on August 2, 2023 [1 favorite]