How can I be more thankful?
June 25, 2023 2:51 PM Subscribe
I just lost a number of things I highly valued. I keep thinking of wishing I had "lived a better life" or somehow appreciated them more when I had them. But when it comes down to it, I'm not sure what other people mean when they talk about "being thankful" or "counting your blessings." Is it simply a matter of avoiding negative, destructive moods where you curse your fate or is it more a mindset of continuously, actively and deliberately celebrating the good things in one's life (e.g., by setting aside specific times to engage in some ritual or personal discipline).
I would say, *yes*, set aside some time for a ritual or personal discipline. But you don't have to give up feeling negative! You just practice gratitude *in addition* to your other feelings. (Over time, ideally practicing gratitude helps you pay more attention to good things, which helps let positive feelings crowd out negative feelings.)
In your case, maybe it's spending time thinking about how glad you are that ever got to have those things at all, or maybe you're not ready for that and it's better to journal about some completely unrelated thing you're grateful about that happened today.
But regardless: practicing gratitude doesn't mean you're not going to grieve or regret. (Or, on preview, envy.) When a loved one dies, for instance, we can hold gratitude for the time we spent together alongside sadness about the things we won't be able to share in the future and regret for the things we wish we had done differently.
posted by mskyle at 3:31 PM on June 25, 2023 [7 favorites]
In your case, maybe it's spending time thinking about how glad you are that ever got to have those things at all, or maybe you're not ready for that and it's better to journal about some completely unrelated thing you're grateful about that happened today.
But regardless: practicing gratitude doesn't mean you're not going to grieve or regret. (Or, on preview, envy.) When a loved one dies, for instance, we can hold gratitude for the time we spent together alongside sadness about the things we won't be able to share in the future and regret for the things we wish we had done differently.
posted by mskyle at 3:31 PM on June 25, 2023 [7 favorites]
Keep a regular gratitude list. Nothing is too small or insignificant to include.
posted by jgirl at 3:54 PM on June 25, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by jgirl at 3:54 PM on June 25, 2023 [7 favorites]
Emotions are, largely, chemicals suffusing your body.
When your brain focuses on facts that make you unhappy, then you are likely to have negative, or strongly negative, emotions. Those chemicals, to a lesser or greater degree, then enter your bloodstream, and stay there until they cycle out of your body. They have negative side effects: depression (physical and mental); anxiety; immune responses; and
It is important to think about some negative things some of the time, so that you can take necessary actions to move past them or change negative situations. However, if you do it more than necessary, you are exposing yourself to all the side effects.
When your brain focuses on facts that make you happy -- which is anything you might feel grateful for, and the _reasons_ you might be grateful for those things -- you are likely to have positive emotions.
For example, maybe you don't have a lot of emotions about soil, or bacteria. But if you contemplate them from the perspective of gratitude, you can come up with these thoughts: beautiful plants, subtle fragrances of flowers, fresh tomatoes or asparagus -- remember the last time you had _really good_ fresh vegetables? Remember that garden you were in as a kid? The feeling of the sun on the top of your hair? Remember watching a toddler put his hands in the dirt and really feel it? Remember the first time you saw an ant farm, or a colorful mushroom, or the smell of plowing as you rode past a farm?
That's time you are not only avoiding negative emotions and all those side effects from the less pleasant neurotransmitters, but you can have positive, physical and emotional, minutes or hours.
Those times add up. A little negative time every day, or every hour, adds up over the course of a year or five. A little joy time, or even contentment, every day, may add up to the generous vacation you probably need -- not saying you don't need real vacation too!
But: choosing to focus on anything that you like or love means you have control of the quality of your life.
posted by amtho at 4:03 PM on June 25, 2023 [6 favorites]
When your brain focuses on facts that make you unhappy, then you are likely to have negative, or strongly negative, emotions. Those chemicals, to a lesser or greater degree, then enter your bloodstream, and stay there until they cycle out of your body. They have negative side effects: depression (physical and mental); anxiety; immune responses; and
It is important to think about some negative things some of the time, so that you can take necessary actions to move past them or change negative situations. However, if you do it more than necessary, you are exposing yourself to all the side effects.
When your brain focuses on facts that make you happy -- which is anything you might feel grateful for, and the _reasons_ you might be grateful for those things -- you are likely to have positive emotions.
For example, maybe you don't have a lot of emotions about soil, or bacteria. But if you contemplate them from the perspective of gratitude, you can come up with these thoughts: beautiful plants, subtle fragrances of flowers, fresh tomatoes or asparagus -- remember the last time you had _really good_ fresh vegetables? Remember that garden you were in as a kid? The feeling of the sun on the top of your hair? Remember watching a toddler put his hands in the dirt and really feel it? Remember the first time you saw an ant farm, or a colorful mushroom, or the smell of plowing as you rode past a farm?
That's time you are not only avoiding negative emotions and all those side effects from the less pleasant neurotransmitters, but you can have positive, physical and emotional, minutes or hours.
Those times add up. A little negative time every day, or every hour, adds up over the course of a year or five. A little joy time, or even contentment, every day, may add up to the generous vacation you probably need -- not saying you don't need real vacation too!
But: choosing to focus on anything that you like or love means you have control of the quality of your life.
posted by amtho at 4:03 PM on June 25, 2023 [6 favorites]
I lost everything, including my marriage and my beloved dog, five years ago. I do make an effort to think of things I’m grateful for. It’s not a defined or regular practice, but I do it when I need to rebalance my emotions.
Lately I think, grief, not just for the things I owned, but for the life I had, will probably always be with me. Some days are hard. I try not to fight it.
My heartfelt sympathies go out to you. May it get a little less painful.
posted by Gusaroo at 4:11 PM on June 25, 2023 [6 favorites]
Lately I think, grief, not just for the things I owned, but for the life I had, will probably always be with me. Some days are hard. I try not to fight it.
My heartfelt sympathies go out to you. May it get a little less painful.
posted by Gusaroo at 4:11 PM on June 25, 2023 [6 favorites]
My life has been a bit weird. I had a childhood medical problem that made grade school difficult, so I didn't have a lot of friends but I had the illness. By high school the doctor's had gotten control of the illness so it wasn't so obvious, so that was gone, and I made some friends, but my social skills were still shaky due to those grade school years. So I made social blunders on a regular basis. By college everything was fine and I made many friends but my focus on scholastic matters suffered. By the end of college everything was fine except I had no idea what to do with my life. Then I met the woman who would become my wife. And then there was the Arab Oil Embargo. But I eventually got a job where I traveled around the USA installing software. I gained a lot of knowledge and self-confidence. During one business trip my apartment was burglarized. Then I got married. Then the company got bought out. Later I went to work at a Bank and gained more knowledge and friends and self-confidence. My wife and I had 2 children, both healthy. Then my mother died. Then the Bank got bought out. Then I came to my current job where I've remained for 26 years. I will be retiring soon.
I am not saying my life has been hard. I am only saying that if you look at any point along my path there are things I would have been grateful for, and things I would have felt very bad about. I think all of the answers above are good, I would just add "perspective". FWIW.
posted by forthright at 4:37 PM on June 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
I am not saying my life has been hard. I am only saying that if you look at any point along my path there are things I would have been grateful for, and things I would have felt very bad about. I think all of the answers above are good, I would just add "perspective". FWIW.
posted by forthright at 4:37 PM on June 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
This may not be for everyone, but the thing that makes me most grateful for what I have is reading history or good historical fiction. Millions of people have gone through so much worse than anything I will ever have to. I remember when I was reading Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle," I would walk into my kitchen and just think what a wonderful thing it was that I had enough to eat. If you want to give it a try, pick any era that seems interesting to you and start reading. Documentaries would work too. Ken Burns' "The Dust Bowl" is excellent.
posted by FencingGal at 4:44 PM on June 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 4:44 PM on June 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
Gratitude lists don't work very well for me as a practice (and it's something that many people suggest in my friends group, so I try not to be contrary). But I'm in the "ritual or personal discipline" camp. I use a meditation app that reminds me to be present, and something as simple as stopping and appreciating something (right now, the sunlight after a thunderstorm and a cooler breeze coming in the window) can make up for a lot. Like most of us, I've had some tough things happen every year of my life (a couple of the toughest this year), and it's essential to make time for at least appreciation that not all is awful.
posted by Peach at 4:45 PM on June 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Peach at 4:45 PM on June 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
Do you have a home? be grateful, an increasing number of Americans don't.
Do you have enough nutritious food? Transportation? Are you in okay health?
Do you have white/ male/ cis/ het, etc., privilege?
Gratitude can be about recognizing what we have, and being happy about it. There's a lot I don't have. There's a lot that's been taken. etc. But here I am in the US, with a home, a pup, food, friends, etc.
posted by theora55 at 5:02 PM on June 25, 2023
Do you have enough nutritious food? Transportation? Are you in okay health?
Do you have white/ male/ cis/ het, etc., privilege?
Gratitude can be about recognizing what we have, and being happy about it. There's a lot I don't have. There's a lot that's been taken. etc. But here I am in the US, with a home, a pup, food, friends, etc.
posted by theora55 at 5:02 PM on June 25, 2023
I’ve also gone through a lot. I did years of therapy to deal with having been sexually abused as a child, infertility, and then my first child died due to medical error. And look, there have been long periods of time that I was fighting for survival, never mind gratitude. So sometimes you just move through the grief.
That said, I think your question is a really good one. For me I have tried to shift my mindset to one that I guess is gratitude but which I think of as enjoying small things. Sometimes that meant taking a picture or making a list. But mostly it means both noticing, and giving myself an opportunity to notice (basically, get outside or in good spaces.)
So in a week I might:
- go for a walk or three and take time to notice the neat graffiti, the cardinal, the flowers, the way the ice looks on the roof, etc. I live in an area next to the lake so some of that is easy for me.
- actively seek out good, connective, art and media. Big exhibits sure but even noticing the paintings in a coffee shop, the lobby art, the small local studios, etc. community centres here do this. Another happy space for me: libraries.
- playing one song I love a day, while I brush teeth etc.
- I look for chances to to little things for others…hand them a quarter to get a grocery cart or hold the door or carry a stroller
- I try to not listen to too much true crime etc. I like The Happiness Lab, You Are Good, and audiobooks.
- honestly, I find the more I interact with individual people (as opposed to say, here, or on social media), the better. My yoga class is one place - it leans towards seniors and the ones that come are so joyful.
Basically, I create opportunities to notice the 1,000,000 nice things. Forming those habits takes time but they are powerful.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:11 PM on June 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
That said, I think your question is a really good one. For me I have tried to shift my mindset to one that I guess is gratitude but which I think of as enjoying small things. Sometimes that meant taking a picture or making a list. But mostly it means both noticing, and giving myself an opportunity to notice (basically, get outside or in good spaces.)
So in a week I might:
- go for a walk or three and take time to notice the neat graffiti, the cardinal, the flowers, the way the ice looks on the roof, etc. I live in an area next to the lake so some of that is easy for me.
- actively seek out good, connective, art and media. Big exhibits sure but even noticing the paintings in a coffee shop, the lobby art, the small local studios, etc. community centres here do this. Another happy space for me: libraries.
- playing one song I love a day, while I brush teeth etc.
- I look for chances to to little things for others…hand them a quarter to get a grocery cart or hold the door or carry a stroller
- I try to not listen to too much true crime etc. I like The Happiness Lab, You Are Good, and audiobooks.
- honestly, I find the more I interact with individual people (as opposed to say, here, or on social media), the better. My yoga class is one place - it leans towards seniors and the ones that come are so joyful.
Basically, I create opportunities to notice the 1,000,000 nice things. Forming those habits takes time but they are powerful.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:11 PM on June 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
Kurt Vonnegut:
One of the things [Uncle Alex] found objectionable about human beings was that they so rarely noticed it when they were happy. He himself did his best to acknowledge it when times were sweet. We could be drinking lemonade in the shade of an apple tree in the summertime, and Uncle Alex would interrupt the conversation to say, “If this isn’t nice, what is?”posted by slidell at 5:11 PM on June 25, 2023 [27 favorites]
So I hope that you will do the same for the rest of your lives. When things are going sweetly and peacefully, please pause a moment, and then say out loud, “If this isn’t nice, what is?”
It's not the whole thing but I think what time you focus on is also directly related to consciously being grateful for things. I find it very easy to slip into brooding on the past (which I can't change) or worrying about the future (which I can impact but not fully control). It is sometimes hard to focus on being attentive to and grateful for what I have now, rather than what I have lost or anticipate, but I find myself to be happier when I'm focused on the present.
posted by Wretch729 at 5:15 PM on June 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Wretch729 at 5:15 PM on June 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
What has helped me most with this is the book Resilient by Rick Hanson. It has taught me to recognize and enjoy the positive things in my life. Perhaps it can help you, too.
Also worth considering is self compassion meditation - this site is free and has been very helpful to me.
I’m wishing for peace & contentment in your life. Be well.
posted by hilaryjade at 5:44 PM on June 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
Also worth considering is self compassion meditation - this site is free and has been very helpful to me.
I’m wishing for peace & contentment in your life. Be well.
posted by hilaryjade at 5:44 PM on June 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
Knowing that everything is impermanent, life constantly changes, nothing is guaranteed, I am not owed anything by anyone, and that in the end I will part from everything, I am grateful for what I DO have, here and now, and this opportunity to experience it all.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:22 PM on June 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:22 PM on June 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
I also struggle with the concept of gratefulness or thankfulness. Unless it's regarding something specific someone has done for me my immediate response is "grateful to who?" and it's very difficult to muster the feeling when I feel like there's no one or no thing to place it on.
For me, the kernel of a better approach is contained in the Kurt Vonnegut quote above, and a lot of Buddhist thought for that matter; simply notice and acknowledge when things are good. Or simply not bad. Accept the good along with the bad and then make a habit of observing the good wherever it may be found, even if it is as mundane as the shade of a lemon tree.
posted by deadwax at 8:25 PM on June 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
For me, the kernel of a better approach is contained in the Kurt Vonnegut quote above, and a lot of Buddhist thought for that matter; simply notice and acknowledge when things are good. Or simply not bad. Accept the good along with the bad and then make a habit of observing the good wherever it may be found, even if it is as mundane as the shade of a lemon tree.
posted by deadwax at 8:25 PM on June 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think of it as a mindfulness exercise.
For a while, I was a chronic pain patient, and had a horrible pain in my hip. I practiced doing body scan exercises, where I checked in with every part of my body. Notice how it is doing, then let the thought go. My toes always felt fine, ears too. Listening to and appreciating the fine parts turns down the volume on the painful parts, even if just for a minute.
It does take time to step outside of your current thought process and get a new one. I did a 30 minute body scan exercise 5 nights a week for 8 weeks to learn. There are other practices you could use - meditation, walks, journaling- they all take time.
posted by shock muppet at 11:29 PM on June 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
For a while, I was a chronic pain patient, and had a horrible pain in my hip. I practiced doing body scan exercises, where I checked in with every part of my body. Notice how it is doing, then let the thought go. My toes always felt fine, ears too. Listening to and appreciating the fine parts turns down the volume on the painful parts, even if just for a minute.
It does take time to step outside of your current thought process and get a new one. I did a 30 minute body scan exercise 5 nights a week for 8 weeks to learn. There are other practices you could use - meditation, walks, journaling- they all take time.
posted by shock muppet at 11:29 PM on June 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
When I’ve kept up a gratitude practice (usually writing down two or three things at the end of each day I’m grateful for), it’s only really worked when I make sure the things I write down are things that genuinely make me feel a physical twinge of gratitude/happiness/pleasure, no matter how small. If I start listing things that I know I should feel grateful for but which have become the normal background to my life (I have a home, I have food etc) I just start to feel guilty for taking things for granted.
It’s much more useful to me to remember and turn my attention to the little things throughout the day that have genuinely made me feel good and be thankful for them. The way my shoes feel, the fact I just caught the bus and didn’t have to wait for the next one, the random woman who smiled at me as she passed in the street and improved my mood etc. In focussing on those things, I think I do expand my ability to really appreciate good stuff in my life.
posted by penguin pie at 2:59 AM on June 26, 2023 [4 favorites]
It’s much more useful to me to remember and turn my attention to the little things throughout the day that have genuinely made me feel good and be thankful for them. The way my shoes feel, the fact I just caught the bus and didn’t have to wait for the next one, the random woman who smiled at me as she passed in the street and improved my mood etc. In focussing on those things, I think I do expand my ability to really appreciate good stuff in my life.
posted by penguin pie at 2:59 AM on June 26, 2023 [4 favorites]
It will happen once you get stuff again.
I went through the lowest financial patch of my life. Had to sell a lot of stuff. Turned off my stove. Just pared down to the bare bones.
Slowly adding stuff back in and just marvelling at every little thing. A haircut! Bringing my kid bowling! Starbucks!
posted by pintapicasso at 5:03 AM on June 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
I went through the lowest financial patch of my life. Had to sell a lot of stuff. Turned off my stove. Just pared down to the bare bones.
Slowly adding stuff back in and just marvelling at every little thing. A haircut! Bringing my kid bowling! Starbucks!
posted by pintapicasso at 5:03 AM on June 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
If you are someone who is uncomfortable with the concept off gratitude for whatever reason (many people are) you could do make a daily-ish practice of noticing and writing down some number (maybe 3?) of "good things" you notice each day.
They don't have to be big or important, and it's ok to repeat. Like, if you can't think of three new good things today you can always say "having a roof over my head" (if you do) even if you wind up saying it several times every week.
I love the Kurt Vonnegut quote above, and try to remember to do that from time to time. I read somewhere a long time ago that one reason people overeat is because they don't pay attention to the food they are consuming, so their brain doesn't register the full amount of pleasure and satisfaction from the food (and hence doesn't release the normal amount of dopamine that it should.) Eating mindfully, as in making sure to pay attention and really savor the food, can help you to be more satisfied because your brain is getting the full experience that it wants. I would think a similar concept might extend to any pleasant activity, that being in the moment with it will allow you to fully register the experience and appreciate it more.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:52 AM on June 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
They don't have to be big or important, and it's ok to repeat. Like, if you can't think of three new good things today you can always say "having a roof over my head" (if you do) even if you wind up saying it several times every week.
I love the Kurt Vonnegut quote above, and try to remember to do that from time to time. I read somewhere a long time ago that one reason people overeat is because they don't pay attention to the food they are consuming, so their brain doesn't register the full amount of pleasure and satisfaction from the food (and hence doesn't release the normal amount of dopamine that it should.) Eating mindfully, as in making sure to pay attention and really savor the food, can help you to be more satisfied because your brain is getting the full experience that it wants. I would think a similar concept might extend to any pleasant activity, that being in the moment with it will allow you to fully register the experience and appreciate it more.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:52 AM on June 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
There are a lot of ways to practice gratitude, and they're all pieces of an overall mindset of gratitude, plus doing any one of them tends to introduce you to doing the others.
You can start by setting a time of day, or maybe an alarm 3 times a day. Or consider the extremely common practice across many cultures of being grateful for each of your meals - maybe just start with an "itadakimasu" (‘ee-tah-dah-kee-mas’!).
In one of the various meditation courses or guides I've done, we were asked to get centered and then - without a specific topic - call up and deeply feel intense gratitude, more like the kind you might feel for someone doing an extraordinary favor for you/saving your ass and less like being given a valuable thing. You know what I mean? Like that WHOOOO kind of profound universal THANK YOU. The point of the exercise was to strengthen that muscle, the big thank you engine, so that this feeling becomes easier and easier to access on demand so that it becomes more likely to do that than fall back on pessimism. As exercises go, this is one of those that feels great to do and leaves one with a lingering sense of well-being. I think of it as a power-up, and I often do it just before going into anxious situations to try to temper my overall sense of doom when trying to interact with people or whatever.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:58 AM on June 26, 2023 [4 favorites]
You can start by setting a time of day, or maybe an alarm 3 times a day. Or consider the extremely common practice across many cultures of being grateful for each of your meals - maybe just start with an "itadakimasu" (‘ee-tah-dah-kee-mas’!).
In one of the various meditation courses or guides I've done, we were asked to get centered and then - without a specific topic - call up and deeply feel intense gratitude, more like the kind you might feel for someone doing an extraordinary favor for you/saving your ass and less like being given a valuable thing. You know what I mean? Like that WHOOOO kind of profound universal THANK YOU. The point of the exercise was to strengthen that muscle, the big thank you engine, so that this feeling becomes easier and easier to access on demand so that it becomes more likely to do that than fall back on pessimism. As exercises go, this is one of those that feels great to do and leaves one with a lingering sense of well-being. I think of it as a power-up, and I often do it just before going into anxious situations to try to temper my overall sense of doom when trying to interact with people or whatever.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:58 AM on June 26, 2023 [4 favorites]
I do a going-to-bed practice, especially if my mind is unsettled or I feel myself starting to spiral.
I think of ten or twenty things to be grateful for, and at least half of them have to be things I haven't mentioned before (that I recall.) So the omnipresent heavy hitters - health, safety, family - etc come first. But then I think of smaller things, like good water pressure in my shower or having successfully gotten eye makeup on that day or a pleasant interaction with an acquaintance or that my stomach feels neither bloated nor hungry in that moment.
Despite its trivialities, the second list is more absorbing and helpful.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:27 AM on June 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think of ten or twenty things to be grateful for, and at least half of them have to be things I haven't mentioned before (that I recall.) So the omnipresent heavy hitters - health, safety, family - etc come first. But then I think of smaller things, like good water pressure in my shower or having successfully gotten eye makeup on that day or a pleasant interaction with an acquaintance or that my stomach feels neither bloated nor hungry in that moment.
Despite its trivialities, the second list is more absorbing and helpful.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:27 AM on June 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think everyone has wonderful suggestions here. I just wanted to add one more thing: something I read about the true importance of keeping a gratitude journal is that, once you get into the practice of it, you tend to spend all day looking for things that you can add to your list last night. So it trains your brain to look for things to be thankful for throughout the day and that's the real power of it.
posted by dawkins_7 at 11:18 AM on June 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by dawkins_7 at 11:18 AM on June 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
There is a non-profit called A Network for Grateful Living. Explore their website (grateful.org) where you will find many different and creative ways to tune into your blessings. I highly recommend it.
posted by a fish out of water at 4:18 PM on June 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by a fish out of water at 4:18 PM on June 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
This may sound twee. When I grieve, I remember that it's the price for loving (because all relationships, either through circumstances or death), and I am honestly grateful for the time I had with that person/cat/whatever.
When I feel envy through poverty, I remember that by virtue of being a citizen of my country, I am in the top 1% richest people in the world. I think of Mao's last dancer, Lee Cunxin's childhood, where the family would debate which family member deserved the only piece of meat in the soup, transferring it from bowl to bowl as an act of domestic admiration. I've never been that hungry or full of grace.
When I am tired of my multiple medical or genetic conditions, I am grateful that my senses still work and that I am mobile and have interesting information to digest, and again, as an Australian, when I am truly ill, there will be a bed in a hospital available to me.
When I am sad that I didn't get the family of origin I deserved, I remember that there were some good times, that my children have grown into adults I admire and enjoy the company of, that technology gives me my type of human contact that wasn't available.
When I feel unattractive, I remember that I wasn't always this way - that youth gave me a beauty I couldn't appreciate until I aged out of it, and that my warm and welcoming (worked on) personality makes me very likeable.
This is how I practice gratitude. I also had the benefit of reading Pollyanna when I was young and learning to find the silver linings in many things.
posted by b33j at 4:52 PM on June 26, 2023 [5 favorites]
When I feel envy through poverty, I remember that by virtue of being a citizen of my country, I am in the top 1% richest people in the world. I think of Mao's last dancer, Lee Cunxin's childhood, where the family would debate which family member deserved the only piece of meat in the soup, transferring it from bowl to bowl as an act of domestic admiration. I've never been that hungry or full of grace.
When I am tired of my multiple medical or genetic conditions, I am grateful that my senses still work and that I am mobile and have interesting information to digest, and again, as an Australian, when I am truly ill, there will be a bed in a hospital available to me.
When I am sad that I didn't get the family of origin I deserved, I remember that there were some good times, that my children have grown into adults I admire and enjoy the company of, that technology gives me my type of human contact that wasn't available.
When I feel unattractive, I remember that I wasn't always this way - that youth gave me a beauty I couldn't appreciate until I aged out of it, and that my warm and welcoming (worked on) personality makes me very likeable.
This is how I practice gratitude. I also had the benefit of reading Pollyanna when I was young and learning to find the silver linings in many things.
posted by b33j at 4:52 PM on June 26, 2023 [5 favorites]
I was just reminded in meditation yesterday that I have come to believe that narrative - the story we construct for ourself - shapes our experiences so strongly that you can't get unstuck from a place like this without working on what you're telling yourself. I began shifting my narrative toward the more positive by just observing when something was pleasant. Like I would walk into a room and say "hey, this is a nice room" or "look at that tree, what cool flowers" or "oh, I'm really comfortable right now." I find myself just appreciating the most trivial shit - I still really like this tablecloth I put on my desk, I love the color of that plate, hey this is a very interesting fact about cheese.
Appreciation is an aspect of gratitude. It's okay - even pleasant and fun - to like things.
And like b33j says, sometimes there is pain or worry, but erasing it would mean erasing something extraordinary or beneficial or good, so you take them together because it is worth it. I know it's really hard to turn to your pain or resentment and find a way to be glad for the opportunity, but that is definitely a part of advanced gratitude.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:07 AM on June 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
Appreciation is an aspect of gratitude. It's okay - even pleasant and fun - to like things.
And like b33j says, sometimes there is pain or worry, but erasing it would mean erasing something extraordinary or beneficial or good, so you take them together because it is worth it. I know it's really hard to turn to your pain or resentment and find a way to be glad for the opportunity, but that is definitely a part of advanced gratitude.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:07 AM on June 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by kschang at 3:27 PM on June 25, 2023