Help me Emigrate - Anxiety Edition
May 8, 2023 7:34 AM Subscribe
My partner and I are finally ready (visa-wise) to leave UK to return to my homeworld. I have wanted to do this for years but now that we can, I am paralysed with anxiety and don't know where to begin. Please help?
We both experience anxiety and have awful executive function - we can get by day-to-day but any longish-term planning is difficult and terrifying. Please help us break down a plan into steps so we can finally achieve this. So far:
- I'd like to fly home to NZ the week of 2 October (not yet booked - should we do this first so we have a firm deadline to work to?)
- We have a place to stay in NZ (space with my family); we are renting here
- My partner may be able to work his current job remotely for a while after the move; I will need a new one (admin background, no particular skills or career)
- Most of our possessions are low value so can be sold/donated before we go. We plan to ship a small amount. No major assets.
- We both have pensions here.
What are the steps and the correct order? Any help would be so incredibly gratefully received.
We both experience anxiety and have awful executive function - we can get by day-to-day but any longish-term planning is difficult and terrifying. Please help us break down a plan into steps so we can finally achieve this. So far:
- I'd like to fly home to NZ the week of 2 October (not yet booked - should we do this first so we have a firm deadline to work to?)
- We have a place to stay in NZ (space with my family); we are renting here
- My partner may be able to work his current job remotely for a while after the move; I will need a new one (admin background, no particular skills or career)
- Most of our possessions are low value so can be sold/donated before we go. We plan to ship a small amount. No major assets.
- We both have pensions here.
What are the steps and the correct order? Any help would be so incredibly gratefully received.
Every step of this is going to grate at you as being nonsensical and bad and wrong, but I move every 6-8 weeks now after getting rid of basically everything (but keeping more things than you probably will) last year, and waiting about 3 months too long to start.
- Book the flight
- Create a calendar plan - if you don't already have Apple or Google calendars, go ahead and do that and put them on all your devices so you're maybe forced to look at them, and then put create an event with all the flight details that will go on both your calendars.
This week through the weekend, do one room a day:
- Create a shared spreadsheet for moving. Create a tab for inventory. One of you carry a device around as the two of you walk into each room and inventory ev-er-y-thing by category: P1 Keeper Clothes, P1 non-keeper clothes, P2 Keeper Clothes etc. Bed. Bedding. Two nightstands. Box of P1s childhood memorabilia. High-end turntable. 12 shelves of records.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:50 AM on May 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
- Book the flight
- Create a calendar plan - if you don't already have Apple or Google calendars, go ahead and do that and put them on all your devices so you're maybe forced to look at them, and then put create an event with all the flight details that will go on both your calendars.
This week through the weekend, do one room a day:
- Create a shared spreadsheet for moving. Create a tab for inventory. One of you carry a device around as the two of you walk into each room and inventory ev-er-y-thing by category: P1 Keeper Clothes, P1 non-keeper clothes, P2 Keeper Clothes etc. Bed. Bedding. Two nightstands. Box of P1s childhood memorabilia. High-end turntable. 12 shelves of records.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:50 AM on May 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
Ugh, I hit some key combo that posted. To continue:
When you inventory, you cannot go granular to every item. You cannot give away or sell records one by one. You would have had to start last year. Understand that everything you give away or sell HAS to be at the aggregate level: boxes of craft supplies, box of tools, all the records, boxes of kitchen items. You can pull a very few small things you want to go to someone special - like you have a family cast iron pan you want to give to your cousin, or a handful of records to someone who really loves blues - but you cannot do this with everything. You just can't.
Figure out what all your local trash options are, because nobody's going to want most of your stuff. We used a combo of rental dumpsters, trash-hauling services, limited municipal trash services, drives to landfills, and occasionally just literally asking my Buy Nothing group if people would DM me their addresses the night before trash day if they had lots of free space in their trash and recycling cans. Most of this isn't free, so you need to get prices up front so you know what options you have.
Research right now to find out what your realistic donation options are. We found because of bedbugs and COVID that a lot of places were barely taking anything, charities want new things, and they don't want to pay to throw away your trash.
Join your local Buy Nothing (or offshoots) on Facebook, ask your friends if they want to opt in to some kind of group chat or email list for your give/sell first-looks (as in put that box of craft stuff up for them first, if no takers after 48 hours put it on Buy Nothing).
Go through your spreadsheet entries and mark each one Keep, Temp Keep, Trash, Donate, Sell, Give to X for those few items going to someone specific. Temp Keep are critical items for living where you are that you will want up until you move - washing machine, toaster, coffee pot, nightstands and bed and bedding.
Go through the spreadsheet again and realize you have half a shipping container worth of Keep still. Make hard choices, including about the Temp Keeps, because everything on that list is a panic item for the last minute. Know that you'll have to re-cull the list several more times over the coming months.
Ideally start moving all the non-keep items into boxes. If you need to get rid of some furniture now to clear some space, you're going to go "but I neeed that!" but you are going to be living a minimalist life for the next 6 months so lean in. You also are not going to have time for hobbies or entertainments between now and then, so sell/trash/donate/give all of that early on and get it out of the way.
Try to clear 50% of your donate/trash/give list in the next month. By 15 June plan to be living like you're in an Airbnb. In July pick a room a week to put the stuff you think you're keeping into whatever container you intend to use - the suitcase in your mind holds the whole closet, the suitcase on your bed does not. Do more rounds of donate/sell/trash/give.
If you're flying out in October, I would advise planning to live somewhere temporarily for at least a month in advance, so that you are NOT moving minutes before leaving for your flight. Give notice that you're moving out at the end of August, and go live in a little airbnb or friend's guest room for September. Spend most of your free time that month seeing friends and beloved places before you go. This will give you a test move, as well, so that you can make one last pass through what you thought was important to keep. If there was one thing I could do dramatically different about our downsize, aside from starting earlier, it would have been this.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:16 AM on May 8, 2023 [3 favorites]
When you inventory, you cannot go granular to every item. You cannot give away or sell records one by one. You would have had to start last year. Understand that everything you give away or sell HAS to be at the aggregate level: boxes of craft supplies, box of tools, all the records, boxes of kitchen items. You can pull a very few small things you want to go to someone special - like you have a family cast iron pan you want to give to your cousin, or a handful of records to someone who really loves blues - but you cannot do this with everything. You just can't.
Figure out what all your local trash options are, because nobody's going to want most of your stuff. We used a combo of rental dumpsters, trash-hauling services, limited municipal trash services, drives to landfills, and occasionally just literally asking my Buy Nothing group if people would DM me their addresses the night before trash day if they had lots of free space in their trash and recycling cans. Most of this isn't free, so you need to get prices up front so you know what options you have.
Research right now to find out what your realistic donation options are. We found because of bedbugs and COVID that a lot of places were barely taking anything, charities want new things, and they don't want to pay to throw away your trash.
Join your local Buy Nothing (or offshoots) on Facebook, ask your friends if they want to opt in to some kind of group chat or email list for your give/sell first-looks (as in put that box of craft stuff up for them first, if no takers after 48 hours put it on Buy Nothing).
Go through your spreadsheet entries and mark each one Keep, Temp Keep, Trash, Donate, Sell, Give to X for those few items going to someone specific. Temp Keep are critical items for living where you are that you will want up until you move - washing machine, toaster, coffee pot, nightstands and bed and bedding.
Go through the spreadsheet again and realize you have half a shipping container worth of Keep still. Make hard choices, including about the Temp Keeps, because everything on that list is a panic item for the last minute. Know that you'll have to re-cull the list several more times over the coming months.
Ideally start moving all the non-keep items into boxes. If you need to get rid of some furniture now to clear some space, you're going to go "but I neeed that!" but you are going to be living a minimalist life for the next 6 months so lean in. You also are not going to have time for hobbies or entertainments between now and then, so sell/trash/donate/give all of that early on and get it out of the way.
Try to clear 50% of your donate/trash/give list in the next month. By 15 June plan to be living like you're in an Airbnb. In July pick a room a week to put the stuff you think you're keeping into whatever container you intend to use - the suitcase in your mind holds the whole closet, the suitcase on your bed does not. Do more rounds of donate/sell/trash/give.
If you're flying out in October, I would advise planning to live somewhere temporarily for at least a month in advance, so that you are NOT moving minutes before leaving for your flight. Give notice that you're moving out at the end of August, and go live in a little airbnb or friend's guest room for September. Spend most of your free time that month seeing friends and beloved places before you go. This will give you a test move, as well, so that you can make one last pass through what you thought was important to keep. If there was one thing I could do dramatically different about our downsize, aside from starting earlier, it would have been this.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:16 AM on May 8, 2023 [3 favorites]
There's a big element of this which is cognitive management. It would be a good idea to start using self-talk when you find yourself getting into overload, consciously managing the internal dialogue to make positive, encouraging statements rather than negative, demeaning statements.
In other words, if you tell yourself you can't do this, you can't manage this, you are in overwhelm.....that's exactly what you're going to get.
So, for example, tell yourself this can be done, this can be managed, you can get it done.
All the things that need to be done, those are all open loops in your head...must do, should do, got to do, have to do.....that stuff can be really disorienting. Start making lists, inventories and checkboxes of what you need to do.
Containerize everything, even your projects. Big boxes have smaller boxes with a list of what goes where, when and how.
Start thinking about how you are going to pull up all your habits, associations, circadian rhythms and relationships and plant that stuff on the other side of the planet. It's very doable, but you have to manage your well being all through this. That's job one....breathe, be, relax.
You can really only do one thing at a time. Your move is just a series of one things done one at a time, as needed. If I was doing this, I'd be minimizing everything I own to just the essentials, containerize everything and then use project management lists, inventories and step tracking to get from state A to state B, meaning the state of where you are to where you want to be.
Find a way to deeply relax every day as an essential adjunct to this process. Continual overload from overthinking will give your body a sense of emergency and threat...that's completely counterproductive and will make the whole process seem dire and a bit depressing.
Good luck in your new life!
posted by diode at 10:02 AM on May 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
In other words, if you tell yourself you can't do this, you can't manage this, you are in overwhelm.....that's exactly what you're going to get.
So, for example, tell yourself this can be done, this can be managed, you can get it done.
All the things that need to be done, those are all open loops in your head...must do, should do, got to do, have to do.....that stuff can be really disorienting. Start making lists, inventories and checkboxes of what you need to do.
Containerize everything, even your projects. Big boxes have smaller boxes with a list of what goes where, when and how.
Start thinking about how you are going to pull up all your habits, associations, circadian rhythms and relationships and plant that stuff on the other side of the planet. It's very doable, but you have to manage your well being all through this. That's job one....breathe, be, relax.
You can really only do one thing at a time. Your move is just a series of one things done one at a time, as needed. If I was doing this, I'd be minimizing everything I own to just the essentials, containerize everything and then use project management lists, inventories and step tracking to get from state A to state B, meaning the state of where you are to where you want to be.
Find a way to deeply relax every day as an essential adjunct to this process. Continual overload from overthinking will give your body a sense of emergency and threat...that's completely counterproductive and will make the whole process seem dire and a bit depressing.
Good luck in your new life!
posted by diode at 10:02 AM on May 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
Yes, I would book the flights for the week you want them and work backwards. You've got 5 months, you can do this.
Your partner will need to start talking to his employer about whether he can work remotely in the next couple of months. There may be tax implications, and depending on what he does for a living there it may not be possible for him to work overseas. Or it could be completely fine. If they're going to make it happen for him then they need time to do so. If he has been working there for 2 year or more, then he's pretty safe from retaliatory firing.
If you have a job at the moment, work out what leave you will have remaining by October, and how you want to use that. I would probably hoard it over the summer, have my last day in the office about a week or so ahead of the move, and then let the rest of the leave spillover to give an extra financial cushion.
If you have furniture that doesn't sell, you can donate it to the British Heart Foundation and your local council will probably pick up stuff for a small fee. Upholstered items must have the original fire safety tags if you want to donate or sell.
posted by plonkee at 10:40 AM on May 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
Your partner will need to start talking to his employer about whether he can work remotely in the next couple of months. There may be tax implications, and depending on what he does for a living there it may not be possible for him to work overseas. Or it could be completely fine. If they're going to make it happen for him then they need time to do so. If he has been working there for 2 year or more, then he's pretty safe from retaliatory firing.
If you have a job at the moment, work out what leave you will have remaining by October, and how you want to use that. I would probably hoard it over the summer, have my last day in the office about a week or so ahead of the move, and then let the rest of the leave spillover to give an extra financial cushion.
If you have furniture that doesn't sell, you can donate it to the British Heart Foundation and your local council will probably pick up stuff for a small fee. Upholstered items must have the original fire safety tags if you want to donate or sell.
posted by plonkee at 10:40 AM on May 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
I have done this with my family, granted several years ago, including the anxiety and terrible executive function.
In order -
- work out right now, today if possible, what things you absolutely will ship and what things you absolutely will bring with you on the airplane. What things you will definitely leave and what things you will maybe ship or bring is a problem for another day. This is to let you work out baggage. You will be going from almost-winter into almost-summer so the big coats can be shipped rather than brought.
- book flights right now, today if possible. They will only get more expensive, and it's important to have at least one hard deadline to plan everything else to. If you want it to feel like a hard deadline while still having room for things to go wrong, book a flexi fare.
- Find out what your rental notice period is, count back that period from the date of your flight, and put GIVE NOTICE on your calendar in big letters. A paper wall planner with all the months showing is a godsend.
- Find out what the notice period for your utilities is, count back that period from the date of your flight, and put CANCEL UTILITIES on the calendar. It's okay if the utilities stay on a few days after you're gone, it is the end of the world (or feels like it) if they shut off in the middle of cleaning the house to get the deposit back.
- Book a moving company to move the things you will move. Crown were excellent but may be a bit pricey (company paid relocation for my family so that wasn't an issue for us). Plan on having movers in the house for up to several days. Do as much labeling as you can in advance, move things into piles or areas corresponding to where YOU think they go, and put labels on the piles. Unless you have the original protective packaging for highly fragile stuff, leave it to the movers to wrap. Anything they wrap, they're responsible for. Anything you wrap, you are. We got back to New Zealand with a 20' container containing most of the contents of a 3-storey terrace house and precisely one (1) broken dowel and one (1) bent paperback book. If you're not shipping much, you want a share of a shipping container, and you want to plan to be without everything in that container for up to three months regardless whether the moving company offers a shorter timeline.
- Actively plan to stay in a motel or hotel near the airport the night or nights before you leave, so you have the freedom to get rid of absolutely everything days in advance and don't have to panic about the Sallies or equivalent not picking up the bed on the day you have to hand back the keys.
- For furniture, call Emmaus. They will (or would when I dealt with them) take things in much dodgier condition and with many fewer questions than charity shops that plan to on-sell immediately; Emmaus' whole MO is to upcycle donations a bit before sale. Don't bother with selling anything unless you really need the money, it's just extra hassle in a time when you need 0 extra hassle. Make a list, call Emmaus, read them the list, and ask them to send a truck on a date two or three days before your flight. This gives you time to offload or tip anything they decide last-minute they won't take.
- if you can afford to be unwaged for a little while, hold off on transferring employment until you get to New Zealand. Our unemployment is very low so you shouldn't have an issue finding a job in your field as described, and sorting out a commute is easier on the ground than from the UK.
- I don't know anything about transferring a British pension, wasn't there long enough to accrue one, but probably worth working on that right after you book flights, in case there's paperwork you have to do while you're still in-country. There's an outfit here that advertises in the local paper about how they're experts at helping transfer British pensions so it may be doable from here, but best to check.
posted by ngaiotonga at 1:26 PM on May 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
In order -
- work out right now, today if possible, what things you absolutely will ship and what things you absolutely will bring with you on the airplane. What things you will definitely leave and what things you will maybe ship or bring is a problem for another day. This is to let you work out baggage. You will be going from almost-winter into almost-summer so the big coats can be shipped rather than brought.
- book flights right now, today if possible. They will only get more expensive, and it's important to have at least one hard deadline to plan everything else to. If you want it to feel like a hard deadline while still having room for things to go wrong, book a flexi fare.
- Find out what your rental notice period is, count back that period from the date of your flight, and put GIVE NOTICE on your calendar in big letters. A paper wall planner with all the months showing is a godsend.
- Find out what the notice period for your utilities is, count back that period from the date of your flight, and put CANCEL UTILITIES on the calendar. It's okay if the utilities stay on a few days after you're gone, it is the end of the world (or feels like it) if they shut off in the middle of cleaning the house to get the deposit back.
- Book a moving company to move the things you will move. Crown were excellent but may be a bit pricey (company paid relocation for my family so that wasn't an issue for us). Plan on having movers in the house for up to several days. Do as much labeling as you can in advance, move things into piles or areas corresponding to where YOU think they go, and put labels on the piles. Unless you have the original protective packaging for highly fragile stuff, leave it to the movers to wrap. Anything they wrap, they're responsible for. Anything you wrap, you are. We got back to New Zealand with a 20' container containing most of the contents of a 3-storey terrace house and precisely one (1) broken dowel and one (1) bent paperback book. If you're not shipping much, you want a share of a shipping container, and you want to plan to be without everything in that container for up to three months regardless whether the moving company offers a shorter timeline.
- Actively plan to stay in a motel or hotel near the airport the night or nights before you leave, so you have the freedom to get rid of absolutely everything days in advance and don't have to panic about the Sallies or equivalent not picking up the bed on the day you have to hand back the keys.
- For furniture, call Emmaus. They will (or would when I dealt with them) take things in much dodgier condition and with many fewer questions than charity shops that plan to on-sell immediately; Emmaus' whole MO is to upcycle donations a bit before sale. Don't bother with selling anything unless you really need the money, it's just extra hassle in a time when you need 0 extra hassle. Make a list, call Emmaus, read them the list, and ask them to send a truck on a date two or three days before your flight. This gives you time to offload or tip anything they decide last-minute they won't take.
- if you can afford to be unwaged for a little while, hold off on transferring employment until you get to New Zealand. Our unemployment is very low so you shouldn't have an issue finding a job in your field as described, and sorting out a commute is easier on the ground than from the UK.
- I don't know anything about transferring a British pension, wasn't there long enough to accrue one, but probably worth working on that right after you book flights, in case there's paperwork you have to do while you're still in-country. There's an outfit here that advertises in the local paper about how they're experts at helping transfer British pensions so it may be doable from here, but best to check.
posted by ngaiotonga at 1:26 PM on May 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
Hi - I did this recently (well, last year). It's definitely a lot of work, but it's also just a project management exercise, and managing it that way helps break down what seems like an overwhelming challenge, keeps you on top of what needs to get done, which deadlines need to be hit, and when. A couple of things which really helped me were: (1) breaking the project into separate buckets - i.e. I'm moving out of my apartment (packing/ cleaning/ selling stuff, etc.), I'm leaving the country (sorting out banking, communications, etc.), I'm traveling (luggage, booking tickets, arrangements to and from airport, etc.), (2) using project management software like Notion (I don't think I could have pulled my emigration off without Notion - and it's free! - but I'm sure there are other sites/ apps which do similar things). Once you create to-do lists for each of your buckets, then you can create sub-lists with sub-tasks, and then you just go through those lists over and over again - what can I do today/ what needs to get done before I can do this other thing? - checking tasks off as you go. What's extremely beneficial about this approach is that it allows you to see a clear picture of everything that needs to get done and where time needs to be spent - as with all endeavors of this size, how you think it's going to be before you begin is not how it will be once you are in it, so the sooner you can see how things really are, the better. And at the risk of being shot down in flames - if it were me - I'd hold off on booking the flights for now, because the benefit if having flexibility - i.e. should you need to revise your plan once you see the whole picture - outweighs the benefit of having that single goal (which is kind of too far off right now to be a significant motivator).
The good news here is that while this project is of course anxiety-inducing, the best way to address that anxiety is to do things, and emigration gives you a metric ton of things to do - so if you can create a plan and use that to start on those things, then you can shift your focus from worrying about them to getting them done.
One other note: I did not keep my phone number when I left (the cost of keeping it was outside my budget) and this created a lot of problems because so much authentication is now tied to your phone number - for me, that was the most unexpected time-consuming mini-project I had to complete.
posted by my log does not judge at 10:26 PM on May 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
The good news here is that while this project is of course anxiety-inducing, the best way to address that anxiety is to do things, and emigration gives you a metric ton of things to do - so if you can create a plan and use that to start on those things, then you can shift your focus from worrying about them to getting them done.
One other note: I did not keep my phone number when I left (the cost of keeping it was outside my budget) and this created a lot of problems because so much authentication is now tied to your phone number - for me, that was the most unexpected time-consuming mini-project I had to complete.
posted by my log does not judge at 10:26 PM on May 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
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Maybe it would help to break down the key things you need to do into a few "lanes" and then organise them chronologically by when they can / should be done?
So for example:
Move people (you and partner):
-Decide how much flight luggage
-Book flight
-Arrange transport to airport (hold for closer to the date) but taxi I would guess makes sense?
Close down admin UK:
Move out of flat
-What date do you need to notify landlord to end tenancy
-What is the process for each utility?
-Other ongoing contracts like mobile phones, non-portable subscriptions. Maybe go through a month's bank statements to pick them all.
-Apart from bills, what post do you get? Last time I moved, I kept a log starting 60 days before departure and recorded everything so that I would remember what needed to change.
-Shutdown direct debits and standing orders. Again, make a list and write down a date for each of them when they can go.
-You don't actually need to close your bank account until you have left and I would recommend that you don't
-Do you want to stay with friends the last few days in the UK? You may find it easier to ensure that your flat is truly empty and appropriately cleaned if you're not still living there. That also gives you a few days of buffer.
-Pensions, as long as you get the paperwork together are not remotely urgent. You should notify the administrators of your new address once you've moved. It may be worth consolidating any defined contribution pensions into one that is comfortable dealing with people outside the UK.
Setup admin NZ:
Setup bank accounts for both of you (if possible ahead of time)
Have a look at job openings in the city you're going back to (I guess you could now but probably wait as nobody hires admins with a six month lead time)
Move stuff:
-Start shedding non-required stuff now. Maybe have a goal of a very small amount a week? Obviously don't get rid of things too early but you will want to set a date nearer to the move date where e.g. you won't be cooking anymore. I'm guessing that the kitchen stuff you have is mostly low value and will not be coming with you.
-Decide how much and what is to come with you. Can be done room by room.
-Get packing materials (well in advance)
-Pack. Again, if it is easier, you can do this over the course of a few weeks up to the departure.
-Arrange movers (well in advance) to come a few days before you are out of flat
This is not an exhaustive list by any means of either activities nor categories but maybe if you put each activity on a post it note and then pin them by theme and by time period on an A3 on the wall, that might help you organise the process.
The good thing is that it will be months before any of these things become urgent so you have a long time to prepare.
posted by atrazine at 8:01 AM on May 8, 2023 [5 favorites]