Looking for advice/ways to initiate sex with a live-in partner

March 24, 2023 11:56 PM

My partner and I, recently cohabitating, both *want* have more sex, but for various reasons we *cannot* have sex right before we go to sleep. Both of us have a lot of habits from previous cohabitating relationships in which this was the primary or only time for sex, and we're sort of struggling with "how do you initiate" otherwise. Looking for very concrete examples of how *you* do this. Bonus points if it includes indicating what *kind of* sex you want to have.

My partner and I both are used to a pattern of "before bed, one party might start using physical touch to initiate sex; the other party may say 'No thanks not tonight' or respond with sex." And in our past relationships that worked just fine. For various reasons, sex-at-bedtime is a total nonstarter for us, so we really do need to be more clear about indicating, eg, "Hey, we have a 2 hour break right now between work and dinnertime, let's have sex." But both of us are uncomfortable with that kind of ultra-blunt language. We're working on it - but also want to know what other couples do! Both of us find it to be kind of a mood-killer while recognizing that sometimes you do have to be that blunt.

In addition, we're struggling with communicating what kind of sex we want to have. I came from a very vanilla background; they were used to a lot of kink, but more... consistent kink, think "she's always very submissive and he's always dominant." Our own sex life is a lot more varied - we've found we both like a lot of vanilla, but we also both enjoy being dominant or submissive sometimes; sometimes one of us wants it really rough, or really gentle. In theory that's all great, but we're bumping into each other a lot when one of us initiates and 'expects' it to go a certain way and the other doesn't.

So, what I'm asking for is this:
* How do you, in your relationship(s), initiate sex, outside the context of bedtime? Bonus points if it's non-verbal communication, double bonus points if it's not explicitly scheduled.
* How do you, in your relationship(s), indicate to your partner what kind of sex you want to have, and is there any good way to do this non-verbally?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total)

I would institute a modification of the gay hanky code. You could do it on a white board or even post-it notes on a mirror, rather than actually wearing color coded handkerchiefs in right or left pockets, but basically when you are open to sex mark the colors associated with the acts you want and left/right to indicate position. The other partner can then take you up on it or offer a different suggestion. Ideally this board would be in a clearly visible location in your home, but no one else would know it's purpose.
posted by hworth at 2:04 AM on March 25, 2023 [2 favorites]

Have a lava lamp or colour changing lamp in a place you can see it, that each of you switch on when you're in the mood?

It sounds silly, or kind of 'Roxanne', but I had a partner who was on a different sleep schedule, *and* slept in a different room.

And... We had no problems and a very healthy sex life -
Because I happened to have a red lava lamp, and a place where they could usually see it when coming past, and we agreed that I would switch it on if I wanted them to join me, or I could leave it on while I was sleeping if was fine with them waking me up for sex.

On nights I needed my sleep, no light. If they weren't in the mood, no problem, they didn't join me.

I would start off with one colour for in the mood, and see if that helps, but if you had a smart colour changing light bulb, you could absolutely start coming up with code-colours for the type of sex you're interested in?

Like, purple if the person switching it on is feeling kind of submissive, or orange if they're feeling dominant?

I've also heard of D/s couples who have collars or unobtrusive jewellery they put on when they're interested in scene-ing.
posted by Elysum at 3:26 AM on March 25, 2023 [8 favorites]

My partner and I went from non-verbal to more verbal in initiation and that, after adjustment, has worked well for my partner and I. It’s a little weird initially, but we got past that awkward phase and now it feels natural.
posted by creiszhanson at 5:44 AM on March 25, 2023 [3 favorites]

so we really do need to be more clear about indicating, eg, "Hey, we have a 2 hour break right now between work and dinnertime, let's have sex." But both of us are uncomfortable with that kind of ultra-blunt language.

So, while it doesn't need to be as blunt as "let's have sex," I do think everything you have described can be solved by being relatively direct and honest with each other. As part of that, many (if not most) couples develop some code words and shorthand, like "hey, would you like to snuggle?" where "snuggle" is understood to mean hanky panky. So things get communicated, without things having to be said in ways that feel uncomfortable.

In the same way, having a bit of shorthand around the D/S would help. Even something as simple as "could you be on top today?" as a shorthand for "I'd like you to be dominant" can be a lot easier to say than a more graphic/clinical description. Personally I think using low-key shorthand also gives an easier way for someone to say "no" without it feeling like such a direct rejection.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:09 AM on March 25, 2023 [9 favorites]

I dislike "bed time routine" sex, because it feels scheduled and that is physically a turn off for me. I also don't respond well (do not get aroused) when approached bluntly as in "Let's have sex." So the way I can initiate sex with my husband is by walking up to him at any random, but suitable hour, starting to kiss his neck and otherwise being touchy, and sometimes whispering something like "I want you," or "We should go take a nap" (our code word, we both know we're not sleepy) in his ear. But it's not necessary to say anything, he can tell from my behavior what I want. I'm currently trying to get him to initiate with me in a similar way, but that's another story.

As for how I want to have sex - we had several discussions out of the bedroom on what I would like him to do, and then when it comes to asking for it during, I can just say a sort of a code word such as "do the thing" and he knows what I mean by that, so the interruption to the activity is minimal. Also, how you say your request can in a way be hot in itself. We didn't agree on specific code words, but it kind of came to be during.
posted by LakeDream at 7:17 AM on March 25, 2023 [4 favorites]

Physical touch is how I've always done it; a drawn-out kiss, running my hands down their body, etc. If they don't respond in kind then the answer is no.

For type of sex you could possibly make the physical touch you use to initiate it be something you both associate with one particular role?
posted by metasarah at 7:18 AM on March 25, 2023 [2 favorites]

No magic here. We just use our words. For example, last night we were talking about today's schedule (we don't live together 100% of the time) and since he will be busy during the early part of the day and we're going out this evening, I tod him to come over early for some sexy time before we go out). We don't always schedule and still spontaneously get it on, but being clear early in the day what you want later that day means you're more likely to make time for it.
posted by brookeb at 8:14 AM on March 25, 2023 [2 favorites]

The recently-published book Sex Talks is about this, among other things. There is a chapter on initiating styles that provided my partner and I with a helpful structure for discussing this.
posted by Handstand Devil at 9:30 AM on March 25, 2023 [3 favorites]

Yeah, this can be accomplished without whimsical props. My partner and I are pretty physically affectionate so for us it looks like normal kissing and touching, except the initiator keeps going instead of leaving it at an peck, and waits for the other to respond or not. So like walking up to the other and kissing them. Or lying on the couch and saying "hey, come here" and motioning for them to lie on top of you. Or watching tv on the couch and stroking their leg. You don't have to schedule it together, but it can also be helpful (and fun!) to have a plan in your own head, like "at 5pm I'm going to close my laptop and go into their office and sit at their feet with my head in their lap and see what happens."
posted by umwelt at 10:27 AM on March 25, 2023 [3 favorites]

Same for affectionate kissing. Midday sex for me tends to be initiated by one or the other of us kissing/snuggling the other in a sort of ordinary daytime kind of way, and then letting the response determine whether it was a passing smooch or going to escalate to having sex. Not that we don’t talk, but saying “let’s have sex now” usually isn’t the first move.
posted by LizardBreath at 10:46 AM on March 25, 2023 [4 favorites]

“Oooo, beloved. I have been thinking about you naked all day. Would you like to spend some time in bed before dinner?”

“Mmmmm, you look so good. I would love to have sex with you this weekend. How does that sound to you?”

Staying in bed reading the paper in the morning, so I can nuzzle him and kiss him and see what we’re feeling for when he wakes up.

Talking explicitly about what we want in purely technical terms (“I’d like to have sex with you” or “My back hurts - can I be on the bottom?”) felt awkward at first, but it’s gotten pretty comfortable, and it makes a huge positive difference for me and my partner. Another important conversation was what we’d like to hear with a rejection. For us, it’s acknowledgement plus some effort at connecting: “I love you and want to connect with you, but I’m not in a sexy mood right now. Could we plan to have sex this weekend/could I hold you and stroke you while you masturbate/could I ask for you to go have a gorgeous fantasy orgasm and tell me about it later/is there some way I could connect with your need that would feel good?”
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 2:31 PM on March 25, 2023 [2 favorites]

As far as awkward conversation goes, communication is one of those things where you kinda have to practice. You're going to be bad at it before you are good at it, and it's important to be kind and understanding of one another while you navigate this.

(This is something I have to remind myself of constantly in my own relationship, so I feel you there.)
posted by Aleyn at 2:54 PM on March 25, 2023 [1 favorite]

I mean, I think putting SEX on the agenda is just setting initiation up for awkwardness and a big hurdles to overcome if you are not the best at forthright communication. Have you considered just making time for intimacy? Like "we have this two hour window, do you want to go take a nap/read in bed together/drink some blanket wine?" It doesn't have to always lead to shagging, either -- there is a ton of good shit between reading and fucking, which is a bit rubbish as a sole destination?
posted by DarlingBri at 4:27 PM on March 25, 2023 [3 favorites]

Is morning sex on the table? I'm a big fan of cozy snuggles that might or might not lead to more.

Bonus points if it's non-verbal communication

One of my exes wore specific underwear when she intended to jump me later that day so if I ever saw her putting them on in the morning or saw them peeking above her jeans, I knew initiating would be welcome.

What about some flirtatious texting around 3-4PM to prime the pump of interest by the point that you have that two hour break before dinner?
posted by Candleman at 10:24 PM on March 25, 2023 [3 favorites]

From an anonymous member:

Put it on our shared electronic calendar. It's a recurring event with a kinda cutesy title. In the hours leading up to it we often briefly talk about what we might need to prepare in order to have the kind of intimacy we'd like -- at the very least that might include toileting and showering ahead of time.

posted by taz at 11:02 PM on March 25, 2023 [1 favorite]

Whatever shorthand you develop should feel okay to both propose and reject. Effective approaches may not be the same for both partners. For example, my partner tends to ask me to come sit closer and then initiates a more intimate but not sexual touch (e.g. close and slow kiss), whereas I skip straight to the touch initiation. This is because my partner doesn’t consistently respond to my verbal shorthand, and finds direct questions and some types of touch (e.g. play with their underwear) more clearly linked to a sexual request. My partner prefers to give me more opportunities to communicate because I sometimes need a warm up period. When I respond to the sitting request, I can do so in a few ways — if I sit close, but not very close, my partner knows I either need warm up time or am not sure if I am interested. I can also decline gently by saying “Ok I’ll sit, but only for a couple minutes before I go to do X.” Or I can more immediately respond with intimate or sexual touch.

My partner’s initiating nonverbal/touch cues are also different from mine. If you pair your initiating touch cues with verbal flirtation, it can help your partner learn which touch cues are meaningful requests. E.g. a back rub may feel intimate but not sexual to someone until they always hear it with, “hi beautiful” or more directly “hey sexy.” Here the verbal cues are substituting for the bedtime context of “this touch might mean sexytime.”

It’s hard to make schedule requests solely with nonverbal cues. The light prop idea is the only one I’ve heard that can do that. Otherwise to avoid the direct request you need a shorthand like “want to cuddle after dinner?” The more sex adjacent cues the clearer it will be the first time you try it. E.g. sit close to partner, say “You look so beautiful today. It’s been on my mind a lot. Want to cuddle after dinner?” and slowly kiss their neck.

Modulating both the type of touch and verbal shorthand can indicate the types of sex you’re interested in. A more dominant touch could be a firmer one, paired with a sex adjacent command (“Sit next to me.”). There needs to be some forethought about consistency of cues with this approach. This seems complicated given the issues with daytime initiation in the first place. Generally I think it’s easier to initiate the sex, *then* to use sexual talk to indicate what type you’d like. e.g. Submissive: “please sit on my face.” Dominant: “I want to sit on your face.” Gentle: “I could caress you forever.” Et cetera. This should work if you are both flexible about the type of sex once you’ve gotten started. If that’s not the case feel free to chime in.

My partner and I have gotten increasingly direct over time, and we don’t have any qualms about scheduling at this point. Doesn’t mean we discarded all the other ways of initiating and communicating though.
posted by graticule at 11:05 AM on March 26, 2023 [2 favorites]