Sex, after a drought
April 21, 2021 12:33 AM Subscribe
My husband and I (female) have been depressed for a while and it has sapped our respective libidos. We'd like to start having sex again despite this, because we think it would be good for us objectively. But it's been two years and we really don't know how to start again. Have you done this?
On my end, I had a very difficult pregnancy and traumatic birth and usually feel like I don't occupy my own body (as in, it feels like a loaner body and is disconnected from my brain). For my husband, he's just "regular" depressed. We're not in therapy yet but plan on starting individual therapy once the pandemic ebbs a bit more. It doesn't seem like we particularly need joint therapy as we do love each other a lot and are interested and willing to have sex again even if we don't feel like it at the moment. Our emotional intimacy is in a good place.
This is more a question of mechanics, both socioemotional and physical.
How do you "get back in the saddle?" How did you start? What were things you did, etc.? How do you just start having sex again, especially if you're not particularly excited about it in a bodily way but are emotionally interested regardless?
Not trying to beanplate, we certainly used to have sex all the time and know how. All online searches yield results focused on sex post-celibacy not in the context of a marital relationship, or whether you should stay in a sexless marriage. Not what I'm looking for.
On my end, I had a very difficult pregnancy and traumatic birth and usually feel like I don't occupy my own body (as in, it feels like a loaner body and is disconnected from my brain). For my husband, he's just "regular" depressed. We're not in therapy yet but plan on starting individual therapy once the pandemic ebbs a bit more. It doesn't seem like we particularly need joint therapy as we do love each other a lot and are interested and willing to have sex again even if we don't feel like it at the moment. Our emotional intimacy is in a good place.
This is more a question of mechanics, both socioemotional and physical.
How do you "get back in the saddle?" How did you start? What were things you did, etc.? How do you just start having sex again, especially if you're not particularly excited about it in a bodily way but are emotionally interested regardless?
Not trying to beanplate, we certainly used to have sex all the time and know how. All online searches yield results focused on sex post-celibacy not in the context of a marital relationship, or whether you should stay in a sexless marriage. Not what I'm looking for.
I think the main thing is wanting to and just keep on at it but specifically I would suggest:
- give yourselves permission to make out, especially with a baby around who might interrupt.
- talk to each other about some of your favourite past sexy/connected times...if you have them the ones that were kind of funny too? Lean on that while your body catches up
- for me, sex begets sex so...I’d make some time for it (again, context:baby) on a quasi regular schedule where you cuddle, make out. It’s of course a fine line because dissociative sex is not in my experience great, but sometimes it helps to just go for the making out part.
Finally...I don’t want to put anything on anyone’s plate right now but you reconnecting with your body is possibly a piece of this too. If you can find ways to do that (for me, after a traumatic delivery, it was a lot of walking in nature; later it was yoga and maybe weirdly, pedicures, pandemic, I know) it will probably help you.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:32 AM on April 21, 2021 [3 favorites]
- give yourselves permission to make out, especially with a baby around who might interrupt.
- talk to each other about some of your favourite past sexy/connected times...if you have them the ones that were kind of funny too? Lean on that while your body catches up
- for me, sex begets sex so...I’d make some time for it (again, context:baby) on a quasi regular schedule where you cuddle, make out. It’s of course a fine line because dissociative sex is not in my experience great, but sometimes it helps to just go for the making out part.
Finally...I don’t want to put anything on anyone’s plate right now but you reconnecting with your body is possibly a piece of this too. If you can find ways to do that (for me, after a traumatic delivery, it was a lot of walking in nature; later it was yoga and maybe weirdly, pedicures, pandemic, I know) it will probably help you.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:32 AM on April 21, 2021 [3 favorites]
Do you touch and enjoy each other’s bodies in intimate ways that aren’t sex or are you working back towards that too?
There’s a passage and perspective (from a book by Jes Baker) about bodies and connection with partners that I really appreciate: “Sometimes our bodies serve the simplest purpose: allowing us to lie next to each other, my head on his shoulder, listening to audiobooks in the dark while he sleepily kisses my forehead. It's then that my body does not need to be anything other than a vessel through which he can love all of me at the same time."
posted by needs more cowbell at 3:44 AM on April 21, 2021 [15 favorites]
There’s a passage and perspective (from a book by Jes Baker) about bodies and connection with partners that I really appreciate: “Sometimes our bodies serve the simplest purpose: allowing us to lie next to each other, my head on his shoulder, listening to audiobooks in the dark while he sleepily kisses my forehead. It's then that my body does not need to be anything other than a vessel through which he can love all of me at the same time."
posted by needs more cowbell at 3:44 AM on April 21, 2021 [15 favorites]
there is a couple therapist (i forget who) who has a list of steps to do... you can read about it here. It sounds perfect for your situation. You basically, over days... slowly build up to sexual intercourse while concentrating on each other bodies. The steps are defined. According to the website, it is called sensate focus.
posted by jazh at 5:01 AM on April 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by jazh at 5:01 AM on April 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
If you like porn or erotica it can be helpful to get turned on on your own (or together) before touching begins. Also, lots of lube just in case it takes your body a second to catch up and also, post partum, it's probably a good idea anyways. If you are open to marijuana, vaping or edibles were very helpful to me and my husband in getting back into the swing of things. Best of luck!
posted by jeszac at 5:08 AM on April 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by jeszac at 5:08 AM on April 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
I think a lot of this varies from person to person. For me, reminiscing about really good sex we've had in the past is a good way to get things going — especially if the stuff we're reminiscing about isn't rare events that will never come again ("remember how hot it was our first time/on our honeymoon/etc") but everyday stuff we both liked ("remember how we used to ______"/"remember that one random time when we _____").
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:43 AM on April 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:43 AM on April 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
I don’t have experience with your specific scenario but I do have a lot of experience with depression and fluctuating libido. One big thing to keep in mind is that depression makes joy extraordinarily transitory. Like, you can laugh or have an orgasm while depressed but five minutes, an hour, a day later, it’s like the positive effect of that experience is gone. It’s so hard to build up a reserve of pleasure or good feelings to draw on. So what I would suggest is focusing on deliberately creating these things for and with each other, with very little focus on the actual sex part of things unless it feels right at the time. And then reinforcing these experiences by talking about them, spending private time apart thinking of ways to continue them, and clearly asking for them of each other. Lots of kissing, lots of foreplay as the main event, lots of giving each other permission to step back or bring up something new or silly or subdued depending on the moment. The more of these smaller moments you build up the more likely they will stick in the mind and sort of build on each other, and you’ve formed a habit of being physically demonstrative and sensual without the pressure of some kind of big payoff, so when it does seem like sex/orgasms/etc are on the table you aren’t forcing it.
That disconnect from your body feeling is a very common symptom of “regular” depression too. Have you talked about it with your husband? He might have similar feelings and you can work on it together. Sensory focused experiences can help pull me back into my body, things like focusing on smells after the rain, eating food with distinctive textures and tastes, listening to live music, managing some really deep stretches, making something with my hands like cooking or drawing. Other people find something like yin yoga or tai chi to be effective, I’ve heard hiking can be good too as sort of a sensory physical meditation combo. Sex or rather foreplay could very well be one of those assistive things to help nudge you out of dissociation.
posted by Mizu at 5:53 AM on April 21, 2021 [6 favorites]
That disconnect from your body feeling is a very common symptom of “regular” depression too. Have you talked about it with your husband? He might have similar feelings and you can work on it together. Sensory focused experiences can help pull me back into my body, things like focusing on smells after the rain, eating food with distinctive textures and tastes, listening to live music, managing some really deep stretches, making something with my hands like cooking or drawing. Other people find something like yin yoga or tai chi to be effective, I’ve heard hiking can be good too as sort of a sensory physical meditation combo. Sex or rather foreplay could very well be one of those assistive things to help nudge you out of dissociation.
posted by Mizu at 5:53 AM on April 21, 2021 [6 favorites]
When I was sleeping with folks who had different bits than me, the focus was on intercourse, and honestly? Intercourse is a lot of damn work, and you may or may not get much out of it, depending on how you're wired/what gets you off/etc. So I don't want to assume about y'all's sex life, but if it happens for you that sex generally = intercourse, I'll echo something I've said before: redefine what "sex" means. Mutual masturbation is sex, oral sex is sex, nipple play is sex, fingering is sex... you get the point. It may help turn sex from "this big looming thing that we need a lot of time and space to do and why did I ever think this was a good idea" to "sex is this thing that we do we each other that means we have fun with each other and our bodies, and there's a lot of ways we do it, and there's less pressure."
posted by joycehealy at 6:15 AM on April 21, 2021 [20 favorites]
posted by joycehealy at 6:15 AM on April 21, 2021 [20 favorites]
Assuming there are no dependancy issues a few drinks might help. Can be useful for relaxing everyone and making it a little less serious. Messing around is a fun thing that should be great if it weren't for the big stupid human brain that loves to throw up roadblocks.
posted by Patapsco Mike at 7:35 AM on April 21, 2021
posted by Patapsco Mike at 7:35 AM on April 21, 2021
Hey, my partner and I have always been very touchy, lots of petting (not the making out kind, the petting like a soft animal kind,) lots of expressions of love like making food for each other/together, saying "I love you," going places together, snuggling before sleep, etc. We definitely went through some low libido times, and I'm sure we will again, but that physical connection has always been important to us. I think some of the comments above about establishing or re-establishing physical touch are a good idea.
Reading porn was what jumpstarted things for me after having a baby. Just, lots of description of fucking, of all kinds. I put that shit into practice, and was met with enthusiasm. It's so nice to have that part of our relationship be active again.
All kinds of good suggestions here. I wish you both well.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 9:02 AM on April 21, 2021 [1 favorite]
Reading porn was what jumpstarted things for me after having a baby. Just, lots of description of fucking, of all kinds. I put that shit into practice, and was met with enthusiasm. It's so nice to have that part of our relationship be active again.
All kinds of good suggestions here. I wish you both well.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 9:02 AM on April 21, 2021 [1 favorite]
What a great question. In my experience after childbirth (about nine months of sexual drought including pregnancy and recovery), I felt like it was important for me to "get to know myself" again a bit before being intimate with my partner. This was in part because I was not that far out from the physical trauma of giving birth, but it might be a good place for you to start, too. I felt like it helped for me in part because I learned to masturbate before I learned to have sex in general, so it seemed like a good starting point. There's less pressure. You can focus on getting back in touch with yourself and what turns you on.
And yeah, what other people are saying about making out without particular goals for what you will end up doing. Maybe try a silly smooch/tickle game that is not so much about sex as just enjoying and appreciating your bodies together.
Best of luck! Have fun with it!
posted by ewok_academy at 9:07 AM on April 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
And yeah, what other people are saying about making out without particular goals for what you will end up doing. Maybe try a silly smooch/tickle game that is not so much about sex as just enjoying and appreciating your bodies together.
Best of luck! Have fun with it!
posted by ewok_academy at 9:07 AM on April 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
I totally believe in scheduled intimacy time. We set aside one night a week to go to bed early and just... hang out. Sometimes this turns into making out, sometimes sex, sometimes snuggling and chatting, sometimes naked snuggling and chatting. "Scheduling sex" sounds clinical and boring but it's actually nice to carve out the time to be present with each other!
posted by LeeLanded at 10:12 AM on April 21, 2021 [8 favorites]
posted by LeeLanded at 10:12 AM on April 21, 2021 [8 favorites]
Do you all have much non-sexual physical intimacy right now? If not, one approach might be to take sex off the table and focus on physical intimacy that's not about sex. So cuddle with your clothes on, and perhaps some off. Give each other a brief shoulder massage during the day. Sit on the couch and hold hands and look into each other's eyes. The idea here isn't that you won't have sex, but you take away any pressure or expectation. In fact, you aren't allowed to have sex for a bit, so you can fully relax in the physical intimacy of the moment without any anxiety or expectations.
You say you have emotional intimacy, but perhaps it would also help to get to know each other again, in a new way? For example, you could do the 32 Questions thing.
Another thing I've heard as advice for long-term relationships: when our partners our new, the newness is part of the excitement of sex, and your long-term partner can't really be new. But you can do new things together. Do you all take a lot of walks together? If not, take a walk together once a week, even with the baby, but choose a new route each time. I know a lot of us are walking during Covid times, so something else new could be a new hobby or skill you both will try; the important thing is that it has to be new to both of you. Whittling? Knitting? Crochet? Roller skating? Candle making? I do think a physical activity might be good, but that can be more challenging with a baby around, so maybe even a one-time craft project, something low stakes, and where, if you mess up, it's more funny than upsetting.
So my advice for restarting your sex life is to take sex off the table for a while and focus on doing new things together and physical, non-sex intimacy. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:24 AM on April 21, 2021 [1 favorite]
You say you have emotional intimacy, but perhaps it would also help to get to know each other again, in a new way? For example, you could do the 32 Questions thing.
Another thing I've heard as advice for long-term relationships: when our partners our new, the newness is part of the excitement of sex, and your long-term partner can't really be new. But you can do new things together. Do you all take a lot of walks together? If not, take a walk together once a week, even with the baby, but choose a new route each time. I know a lot of us are walking during Covid times, so something else new could be a new hobby or skill you both will try; the important thing is that it has to be new to both of you. Whittling? Knitting? Crochet? Roller skating? Candle making? I do think a physical activity might be good, but that can be more challenging with a baby around, so maybe even a one-time craft project, something low stakes, and where, if you mess up, it's more funny than upsetting.
So my advice for restarting your sex life is to take sex off the table for a while and focus on doing new things together and physical, non-sex intimacy. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:24 AM on April 21, 2021 [1 favorite]
I struggle to maintain my sexual energy at times, due to my own emotional issues and the realities of long term relationships being consumed by tedium of dishes and chores and changing the litter box etc.
We have a 'rule' that we have sex [at least] once a week. We don't always succeed, but basically, just pushing ourselves to try is really helpful for us. Sex, like a lot of things, flows more once you're on a roll, so just doing it helps us want to do it more.
Another thing that works for me is to choose the specific sexual activity that feels most do-able for me in a low-sexuality moment. Maybe that's focusing on getting my partner off instead of myself, or maybe it's a certain sex act. Do that thing that's easier first, it will build sexual energy.
Putting on music and/or turning off the lights helps me when I'm really in my head or feel self conscious.
Also I really like masturbation with my partner next to me, and sometimes that can get the energy rolling and more stuff can flow from that.
TL;DR: There is basically no way around just doing it.
posted by latkes at 10:32 AM on April 21, 2021 [3 favorites]
We have a 'rule' that we have sex [at least] once a week. We don't always succeed, but basically, just pushing ourselves to try is really helpful for us. Sex, like a lot of things, flows more once you're on a roll, so just doing it helps us want to do it more.
Another thing that works for me is to choose the specific sexual activity that feels most do-able for me in a low-sexuality moment. Maybe that's focusing on getting my partner off instead of myself, or maybe it's a certain sex act. Do that thing that's easier first, it will build sexual energy.
Putting on music and/or turning off the lights helps me when I'm really in my head or feel self conscious.
Also I really like masturbation with my partner next to me, and sometimes that can get the energy rolling and more stuff can flow from that.
TL;DR: There is basically no way around just doing it.
posted by latkes at 10:32 AM on April 21, 2021 [3 favorites]
Lots of good advice here. I definitely agree with those suggesting emphasizing re-establishing physical touch and closeness first without expectation, and seeing if you can get your motor running independently before moving toward activity with your partner to avoid adding the complexity of their interest/needs with yours given your current relationship with your body.
I don't know if this will be an exact fit for your experience, but I found the book Come As You Are really helpful for addressing some of my issues with sex and pleasure. A lot of time is spent exploring the way stress and trauma can impact our sexual functioning, which sounds like a factor for you. Honestly, I was moved to tears reading it more than once.
Once you are ready to try to involve your partner, there still shouldn't be expectation attached. If you just kiss for a while, great. If you explore a little and stop, wonderful. If you want to take time to get ready first to feel your best, do it, but if you'd rather have all the lights off, that works too. The goal is to enjoy yourselves, so if you do that, you succeeded.
Final thought - when the time comes? Lube.
posted by amycup at 10:36 AM on April 21, 2021 [5 favorites]
I don't know if this will be an exact fit for your experience, but I found the book Come As You Are really helpful for addressing some of my issues with sex and pleasure. A lot of time is spent exploring the way stress and trauma can impact our sexual functioning, which sounds like a factor for you. Honestly, I was moved to tears reading it more than once.
Once you are ready to try to involve your partner, there still shouldn't be expectation attached. If you just kiss for a while, great. If you explore a little and stop, wonderful. If you want to take time to get ready first to feel your best, do it, but if you'd rather have all the lights off, that works too. The goal is to enjoy yourselves, so if you do that, you succeeded.
Final thought - when the time comes? Lube.
posted by amycup at 10:36 AM on April 21, 2021 [5 favorites]
Depressed or not, I would argue that most long-term relationships can benefit from some scheduled sex (and @Joycehealy raises a great point that sex does not have to mean intercourse). If you do go the scheduling route, it can be really helpful to also schedule times that you are NOT having sex. That may sound redundant if you are already not having sex, but the point is, you have this time where you can both feel free to touch each other and cuddle and whatever, knowing that sex is off the table. It allows you to have some more physical intimacy without the pressure of "where will this lead??"
posted by Viola Swamp at 5:47 PM on April 21, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by Viola Swamp at 5:47 PM on April 21, 2021 [4 favorites]
Check out The Fantasy Box. The introductory box includes a questionnaire that leads to lots of great discussion and then you can go from there with what seems like fun. There's set ups for pampering, exploring, relaxing, taking control, role playing, massage, anal, you name it they've got it. I have personally used at least half of the boxes and if you have questions about them, happy to answer in my DM.
posted by dpx.mfx at 7:29 PM on April 21, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by dpx.mfx at 7:29 PM on April 21, 2021 [1 favorite]
I recently had a pretty major surgery with a weeks’ long recovery time so do relate to this a bit although not from the traumatic delivery perspective. I do feel a bit disconnected from my body, though, because I have quite large scars in intimate places now.
My husband and I just had sex for the first time post-surgery recently. For a long time, we just laid in bed together, cuddling and kissing. Even took a nap together for a bit, and that was nice! He told me repeatedly that he still thinks I’m beautiful, which may not be everyone’s preference, but was nice for me to hear. He checked in with me at several points on my pain levels and to make sure I was still comfortable.
It was like a slow burn of just enjoying each other and being close while building up to sex.
Good luck to you and your partner. Please accept this hug from an internet stranger, if you want it.
posted by oywiththepoodles at 6:49 AM on April 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
My husband and I just had sex for the first time post-surgery recently. For a long time, we just laid in bed together, cuddling and kissing. Even took a nap together for a bit, and that was nice! He told me repeatedly that he still thinks I’m beautiful, which may not be everyone’s preference, but was nice for me to hear. He checked in with me at several points on my pain levels and to make sure I was still comfortable.
It was like a slow burn of just enjoying each other and being close while building up to sex.
Good luck to you and your partner. Please accept this hug from an internet stranger, if you want it.
posted by oywiththepoodles at 6:49 AM on April 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Why don't you two just... celebrate each other, and surviving COVID? Pamper each other, buy each other small intimate gifts, give each other "service" coupons ("redeem for 1 massage session", "redeem for one laundry session", "redeem for one cloth-shopping session in a department store TOGETHER"), basically get back into happier mood first, not only to improve your emotional intimacy, but to improve your physical intimacy.
Start holding hands, PDA (public display of affection). The "lean on me". The "elbow tuck".
It may have been Diana Gabaldon (author of Outlander) who said or wrote that sex is just communication in bed or something to that effect, much like the expression "war is just diplomacy via other means". When you two are really communicating, and got your physical intimacy elevated, the mood will follow. THEN comes the sex.
IMHO of course.
posted by kschang at 2:34 AM on April 21, 2021 [7 favorites]