Help me understand other people's lack of curiosity...
March 10, 2023 6:13 AM Subscribe
I am trying to understand how some people seem to display total apathy to other people.
Let me give you an example. It could be a business function of social event. Somebody there will have a really weird job like a steeplejack or underwater welder. I always seem to be one who has a laundry list of questions. The "unusual job person" with usually wholeheartedly engage with the questions. While the other people will just stand around with no questions. I'm a keen observer of body-language and micro-expressions. I usually know if the other person is getting bored. I would hate to domineer a conversation so I will deliberately stop to give other people a chance to jump in but more often than not no one usually does. (My questions are never of a person nature nor ever veer into any areas that could be considered remotely confidential).
I've also observed this in semi-formal events like conferences, two people from completely different work-areas will meet each other, exchange a pleasantry or two and move on. Never asking one question "how's life in the world of XYZ?. The lack of curiosity sometimes just astounds me.
I am trying to understand how come some people just don't seem to be interested in other people? I am sure this question has already been answered by philosophers and other authors but I would really like to understand why some people lack curiosity and are just so apathetic.
Let me give you an example. It could be a business function of social event. Somebody there will have a really weird job like a steeplejack or underwater welder. I always seem to be one who has a laundry list of questions. The "unusual job person" with usually wholeheartedly engage with the questions. While the other people will just stand around with no questions. I'm a keen observer of body-language and micro-expressions. I usually know if the other person is getting bored. I would hate to domineer a conversation so I will deliberately stop to give other people a chance to jump in but more often than not no one usually does. (My questions are never of a person nature nor ever veer into any areas that could be considered remotely confidential).
I've also observed this in semi-formal events like conferences, two people from completely different work-areas will meet each other, exchange a pleasantry or two and move on. Never asking one question "how's life in the world of XYZ?. The lack of curiosity sometimes just astounds me.
I am trying to understand how come some people just don't seem to be interested in other people? I am sure this question has already been answered by philosophers and other authors but I would really like to understand why some people lack curiosity and are just so apathetic.
I generally find what a person does for pay to be one of the least interesting things about them. I have friends I've known for literally years and I have no idea what they do for work. I'm more likely to ask someone about an interesting hobby than their work. What someone does to keep themselves fed, housed, and not go bankrupt if they get a UTI--that's for them to share, if they want.
I like talking to new people and getting to know folks just fine. But I struggle a lot with Q&A. Let's get a topic going that we're both into and then go off on that.
posted by phunniemee at 6:30 AM on March 10, 2023 [31 favorites]
I like talking to new people and getting to know folks just fine. But I struggle a lot with Q&A. Let's get a topic going that we're both into and then go off on that.
posted by phunniemee at 6:30 AM on March 10, 2023 [31 favorites]
I think sometimes what you’re interpreting as apathy or lack of curiosity could actually be awkwardness or anxiety. I know lots of people who are fairly chatty and curious one on one, but in a large group like you’re describing, they might clam up or struggle to find a conversational “in,” even if there’s a seemingly interesting person/activity to discuss.
posted by little mouth at 6:31 AM on March 10, 2023 [63 favorites]
posted by little mouth at 6:31 AM on March 10, 2023 [63 favorites]
I can't speak for anyone else, but as for me: I'm interested; I'll be pleased to listen to you drawing the unusual job person out; I'd be happy for unusual job person to just talk freely about their job or their world... but either I won't be able to think of anything to ask, or I'll miss the moment to ask it.
I have a lot of social anxiety. This is probably relevant. Real-time conversations with strangers are hard, no matter what.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 6:35 AM on March 10, 2023 [26 favorites]
I have a lot of social anxiety. This is probably relevant. Real-time conversations with strangers are hard, no matter what.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 6:35 AM on March 10, 2023 [26 favorites]
Best answer: There are a lot of explanations besides apathy or lack of curiosity, although obviously I don't know these particular people or these particular situations.
First, I suspect that there are cultural differences in conversation styles, in terms of question-asking. It took me a LONG time to learn that in my current cultural milieu, if you want to talk about your weekend, you should say "How was your weekend," and then wait to be asked "How was your weekend?" in return. My personal inclination is to be really wary of asking questions because I don't want to touch upon something sensitive or something personal or something my interlocutor doesn't want to talk about (this is probably a combination of culture and social anxiety!)
Some people are slow processors. They don't have a follow-up to whatever the last thing you said was. They might have a follow-up to the thing you said two minutes ago, but now the conversation has moved on, and it feels awkward to bring up the thing you said two minutes ago.
Personally, if I met a steeplejack or an underwater welder, I would have no idea what to ask them, but I would be glad to listen to anything they had to say about their job. I definitely would have been the person listening to your conversation without asking any extra questions - I'd be thinking, "Oh, neat! I am learning things about what it's like to be a steeplejack or an underwater welder or whatever, and both people seem like they're enjoying their roles in the conversation, and nothing more is required of me!"
posted by Jeanne at 6:37 AM on March 10, 2023 [24 favorites]
First, I suspect that there are cultural differences in conversation styles, in terms of question-asking. It took me a LONG time to learn that in my current cultural milieu, if you want to talk about your weekend, you should say "How was your weekend," and then wait to be asked "How was your weekend?" in return. My personal inclination is to be really wary of asking questions because I don't want to touch upon something sensitive or something personal or something my interlocutor doesn't want to talk about (this is probably a combination of culture and social anxiety!)
Some people are slow processors. They don't have a follow-up to whatever the last thing you said was. They might have a follow-up to the thing you said two minutes ago, but now the conversation has moved on, and it feels awkward to bring up the thing you said two minutes ago.
Personally, if I met a steeplejack or an underwater welder, I would have no idea what to ask them, but I would be glad to listen to anything they had to say about their job. I definitely would have been the person listening to your conversation without asking any extra questions - I'd be thinking, "Oh, neat! I am learning things about what it's like to be a steeplejack or an underwater welder or whatever, and both people seem like they're enjoying their roles in the conversation, and nothing more is required of me!"
posted by Jeanne at 6:37 AM on March 10, 2023 [24 favorites]
You're making a lot of assumptions here. Most people are curious, actually, but for various reasons aren't comfortable asking someone they don't know a lot of questions. These reasons can include introversion, overwhelm, or not wanting to bother another person. They might satisfy their curiosity by doing research and reading on their own.
Also, people are curious about different things. They may not have much interest in jobs but be very interested in another aspect of life.
posted by bearette at 6:38 AM on March 10, 2023 [23 favorites]
Also, people are curious about different things. They may not have much interest in jobs but be very interested in another aspect of life.
posted by bearette at 6:38 AM on March 10, 2023 [23 favorites]
Best answer: Also, as an introvert/possibly neurodivergent person, it's very hard for me to do "timing" right in social situations, and if someone is already asking a lot of questions, I would have a very hard time knowing when or how to jump in.
posted by bearette at 6:40 AM on March 10, 2023 [28 favorites]
posted by bearette at 6:40 AM on March 10, 2023 [28 favorites]
I consider myself someone who's highly curious about the world in general (and particularly about people's interesting jobs!) and I'm fully capable of going in on the "laundry list of questions" approach if the situation demands it, but I find that the discussions I really enjoy tend to end up with both parties sort of bouncing the conversation off each other and telling stories or sharing thoughts without having to be asked specifically each time.
Also, I like conferences, but sometimes they're stress factories, you've already talked to three dozen people in the past fifteen minutes, you're late for a panel, and you just want to say a quick hi!
In short, I guess, I'd be careful about making judgments about people's overall internal nature based on their behavior in very specific situations.
posted by eponym at 6:42 AM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
Also, I like conferences, but sometimes they're stress factories, you've already talked to three dozen people in the past fifteen minutes, you're late for a panel, and you just want to say a quick hi!
In short, I guess, I'd be careful about making judgments about people's overall internal nature based on their behavior in very specific situations.
posted by eponym at 6:42 AM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Sometimes I'm standing in a group where two people have an obviously fantastic rapport and it feels intrusive for me to get in the middle of their flow.
It strikes me as a bit ironic that you're so convinced that these bystanders who don't ask questions must suffer from a lack of curiosity. Can you adopt a more curious and less judgmental attitude towards them? If you do, I'm sure you'll be able to come up with plenty of possible alternate reasons on your own.
Also, if the reason why you're feeling slightly annoyed is you feel you're carrying most of the conversation on your shoulders, and you wish they would pitch in, it might help if you were to actively involve them in the conversation. As the person in the group who is leading the discussion that is kind of your unofficial responsibility imho. Perhaps you can use one of the answers given by the interesting person as your cue to turn to someone else in the group and say, "Isn't that kind of like your old boss, Bob?" Passing the conversation reins on to Bob, as it were.
posted by MiraK at 6:43 AM on March 10, 2023 [25 favorites]
It strikes me as a bit ironic that you're so convinced that these bystanders who don't ask questions must suffer from a lack of curiosity. Can you adopt a more curious and less judgmental attitude towards them? If you do, I'm sure you'll be able to come up with plenty of possible alternate reasons on your own.
Also, if the reason why you're feeling slightly annoyed is you feel you're carrying most of the conversation on your shoulders, and you wish they would pitch in, it might help if you were to actively involve them in the conversation. As the person in the group who is leading the discussion that is kind of your unofficial responsibility imho. Perhaps you can use one of the answers given by the interesting person as your cue to turn to someone else in the group and say, "Isn't that kind of like your old boss, Bob?" Passing the conversation reins on to Bob, as it were.
posted by MiraK at 6:43 AM on March 10, 2023 [25 favorites]
I think it's related to the notion that it's usually boring people who complain about being bored.
Sure, it doesn't have to be an interest in jobs or whatever but I feel like your question is broader than just "why isn't everyone as interested in jobs as I am".
You might be interested in reading about intellectual curiosity. It generally seems that we are mostly all born with some amount of it, but it grows in some and diminishes in others, so that by adulthood I find people who are fascinated by random anecdotes about ants, and others who don't seem to have much interest in anything other than their immediate needs and entertainment.
Yes, some people struggle with anxiety or depression etc that effects their outward affect, but I don't think you're wrong that some (healthy 'normal') adults are just a lot less curious than others.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:44 AM on March 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
Sure, it doesn't have to be an interest in jobs or whatever but I feel like your question is broader than just "why isn't everyone as interested in jobs as I am".
You might be interested in reading about intellectual curiosity. It generally seems that we are mostly all born with some amount of it, but it grows in some and diminishes in others, so that by adulthood I find people who are fascinated by random anecdotes about ants, and others who don't seem to have much interest in anything other than their immediate needs and entertainment.
Yes, some people struggle with anxiety or depression etc that effects their outward affect, but I don't think you're wrong that some (healthy 'normal') adults are just a lot less curious than others.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:44 AM on March 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
I mean, different people have different preferences about everything, right? They may not care because it genuinely doesn’t matter to them. Or because they have social anxiety that they mask well enough to get by. Or because they are preoccupied. Or because they place a lot of value on respecting people’s privacy. Or because they care about things that you don’t give a hoot about.
And it may also be a cultural thing. Some people might be very uncomfortable answering questions about themselves and so they don’t ask other people out of a sense of empathy. Some people might see asking someone a lot of questions about their job as overstepping or intrusive in this setting, so they refrain. Also, you’re already doing all the asking, so it might feel to them like if they start asking questions as well, the person might feel uncomfortable with multiple interviewers.
I don’t know that it’s fair to assume that people are apathetic and self-absorbed, any more than it would be to assume that you’re badgering people to talk about themselves. It’s just a matter of perspective.
posted by corey flood at 6:44 AM on March 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
And it may also be a cultural thing. Some people might be very uncomfortable answering questions about themselves and so they don’t ask other people out of a sense of empathy. Some people might see asking someone a lot of questions about their job as overstepping or intrusive in this setting, so they refrain. Also, you’re already doing all the asking, so it might feel to them like if they start asking questions as well, the person might feel uncomfortable with multiple interviewers.
I don’t know that it’s fair to assume that people are apathetic and self-absorbed, any more than it would be to assume that you’re badgering people to talk about themselves. It’s just a matter of perspective.
posted by corey flood at 6:44 AM on March 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
First off I think you're assuming A LOT about the people who aren't asking questions based on what sounds like very brief observed interactions. People have a lot going on! Sure, some are incurious, but others are socially awkward, or desperate to get home from this dumb work event that they didn't want to attend in the first place, or worried about the poster they're going to present at the conference or whatever. Lots of people are also afraid of looking stupid.
FWIW, I am a pretty curious person but I generally don't quiz people with "interesting jobs" about their work. I've had "interesting jobs" and people always ask you the same questions; not that I minded answering them (certainly I used to have the answers down pat) but it can be kind of wearying. I suppose I am more likely to ask questions if it's something I have existing interest in - like, I used to work in museums and libraries, and so last week when randomly met a zookeeper at a bar we ended up talking about the perils of small job markets and, yes, I did end up asking her what her favorite animals are to work with.
posted by mskyle at 6:45 AM on March 10, 2023 [13 favorites]
FWIW, I am a pretty curious person but I generally don't quiz people with "interesting jobs" about their work. I've had "interesting jobs" and people always ask you the same questions; not that I minded answering them (certainly I used to have the answers down pat) but it can be kind of wearying. I suppose I am more likely to ask questions if it's something I have existing interest in - like, I used to work in museums and libraries, and so last week when randomly met a zookeeper at a bar we ended up talking about the perils of small job markets and, yes, I did end up asking her what her favorite animals are to work with.
posted by mskyle at 6:45 AM on March 10, 2023 [13 favorites]
A lot of people interact based on hierarchy and social bonding. They're communicating to feel out where someone else is in the social hierarchy and to get a general feel for the interpersonal shape of their life and to make themselves and the other person feel connected. They're not really communicating about information that's just the surface level. So asking about welding doesn't really accomplish the goals of socialising in that sense other than maybe making the other person feel interesting. Obviously this is not 100% true but could be a lens for looking at conversations through.
posted by mosswinter at 6:50 AM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by mosswinter at 6:50 AM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
When I meet someone new I very seldom make conversation by asking them a bunch of questions about themselves. This feels intrusive to me, and I prefer to let people volunteer information about themselves that they want to share. I particularly avoid asking about That One Obvious Unusual Thing About Them, on the grounds that it's probably something everyone asks them about, and they may be really sick of answering questions about it.
This doesn't mean that I'm not interested in people, or that I don't have conversations with them -- I just don't have conversations in this format. There are other things to talk about, and other ways to talk about them.
This is not to say that I don't also have frequent social anxiety, and worry that I have either dominated the conversation or seemed disinterested and unengaged. I try not to be weird, and don't think I always succeed. But this particular interview-style conversational mode is completely alien to me -- I don't like it when people do it to me, so I don't do it to other people.
posted by confluency at 6:53 AM on March 10, 2023 [18 favorites]
This doesn't mean that I'm not interested in people, or that I don't have conversations with them -- I just don't have conversations in this format. There are other things to talk about, and other ways to talk about them.
This is not to say that I don't also have frequent social anxiety, and worry that I have either dominated the conversation or seemed disinterested and unengaged. I try not to be weird, and don't think I always succeed. But this particular interview-style conversational mode is completely alien to me -- I don't like it when people do it to me, so I don't do it to other people.
posted by confluency at 6:53 AM on March 10, 2023 [18 favorites]
I agree with you (the OP). I've found that most people are self-absorbed and just want to talk about themselves. This is actually one of the main reasons why I don't like to attend social events where I'm expected to make small-talk with people. They typically bore the hell out of me by discussing their latest home renovation project, or the new car they just bought, or whatever. There are exceptions, of course, but people typically just want to prattle on endlessly about the boring minutiae of their lives. Of course, I tend to make the situation worse by asking a lot of questions to indicate that I'm actively listening. My questions usually just encourage people to talk even more about themselves, because they think I'm interested in them (I'm not). I actually think I'm a good listener, because people often seem to enjoy these little interactions, thinking that they're entertaining me somehow.
posted by alex1965 at 6:57 AM on March 10, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by alex1965 at 6:57 AM on March 10, 2023 [6 favorites]
Are they men, mostly? Because as we've discussed previously, a common male conversational pattern involves just taking turns with the floor. Like just expecting that if you have something to say, you'll say it, and then that will give me permission to talk about myself. I gained a measure of peace with the world once I realized this. I still think it's a lame way of conversing but I have tempered my expectations.
posted by HotToddy at 7:10 AM on March 10, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 7:10 AM on March 10, 2023 [7 favorites]
I'm socially awkward and find it hard to ask people about themselves. So I usually offer up some information about myself, in the hope that the other person will reciprocate in the same way and give me something that I can respond to. But very often they don't*, forcing me to continue, and ending up being that bore who seems to just want to talk about themselves. *They either don't say anything in response, or ask more questions, possibly just out of politeness.
posted by snarfois at 7:13 AM on March 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by snarfois at 7:13 AM on March 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
Some cultures (or individual people) consider direct questions to be rude.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:14 AM on March 10, 2023 [14 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:14 AM on March 10, 2023 [14 favorites]
My late father was a steeplejack in his younger years. I have an uncle who was an underwater welder. I had another uncle who flew 747s. I don't think I ever asked any of them about their work in those fields. I just don't make conversation with people unless it's to a purpose. Some of us are just like that.
posted by pipeski at 7:15 AM on March 10, 2023
posted by pipeski at 7:15 AM on March 10, 2023
Your question also reminds me a bit of a previous Ask: "What are the most boring topics?". Sort of a converse.
If you want more research about this, here's a seminal 1954 paper "A Theory of Human Curiosity". It's pretty much a whole sub-field of study now, and I think it's pretty clear that at least among scientists who study such things, the fact that there is decent variation in curiosity is pretty well established, and isn't just an artifact of you being tone-deaf at conferences or something.
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:17 AM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
If you want more research about this, here's a seminal 1954 paper "A Theory of Human Curiosity". It's pretty much a whole sub-field of study now, and I think it's pretty clear that at least among scientists who study such things, the fact that there is decent variation in curiosity is pretty well established, and isn't just an artifact of you being tone-deaf at conferences or something.
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:17 AM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
Some people are so awkward and have so much anxiety about social situations that they don't know what's appropriate as far as asking questions. That, and being introverts and happily letting other take the lead in questioning. For example, I always worry whether my questions would be appropriate and get so in my head that I end up not asking anything. And some people just want to get through the work functions you describe and are not thinking about making conversation... which doesn't necessarily mean they're not curious.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 7:18 AM on March 10, 2023
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 7:18 AM on March 10, 2023
Boldly (rudely?) stepping in for OP here.... I don't think the topic needs to be about employment. Here's an anecdote.
At co-worker brought in jars of home made maple syrup that she and her family made as a hobby/tiny side business. She gave them to our group as little holiday gifts. She lives in a big city and has a small home in the countryside. We are all big city people. I was fascinated, and peppered her with questions about making maple syrup, as I only have a passing familiarity with how it's done, probably leaned from PBS kid's TV. Many other people who got this nice gift had almost nothing to say or ask about it. I find it odd, too, but some people are just not curious about things, even unusual things presented in a generous way. I mean, by giving these gifts she was basically encouraging conversation and questions about making maple syrup! Yet many people had nothing to say aside from "Thanks." I don't get it. But I don't have to "get it."
I think it comes down to "It takes all kinds of people to make up the world." If we were in person, I'd probably keep asking you a bunch of questions about this, OP. But that's just the people we are.
posted by SoberHighland at 7:23 AM on March 10, 2023 [10 favorites]
At co-worker brought in jars of home made maple syrup that she and her family made as a hobby/tiny side business. She gave them to our group as little holiday gifts. She lives in a big city and has a small home in the countryside. We are all big city people. I was fascinated, and peppered her with questions about making maple syrup, as I only have a passing familiarity with how it's done, probably leaned from PBS kid's TV. Many other people who got this nice gift had almost nothing to say or ask about it. I find it odd, too, but some people are just not curious about things, even unusual things presented in a generous way. I mean, by giving these gifts she was basically encouraging conversation and questions about making maple syrup! Yet many people had nothing to say aside from "Thanks." I don't get it. But I don't have to "get it."
I think it comes down to "It takes all kinds of people to make up the world." If we were in person, I'd probably keep asking you a bunch of questions about this, OP. But that's just the people we are.
posted by SoberHighland at 7:23 AM on March 10, 2023 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Wow, I have such a different take on all this.
I am hugely curious about people and used to get paid to interview them which was great. Like most MeFites I think I seek out a lot of new information which is why I'm on this site.
But in conversation with people, unless it's a particular crowd (a business function might well qualify), I mostly hope to build relationships, not satisfy my curiosity. So in a group of people, I wouldn't interrogate one person just because they have an interesting job. I think I'd feel really aware of whether one person is getting a bunch of questions and no one else is, and try to draw other people into the conversation by saying something like "Wow, I've never even scuba dived - but Al, didn't I see on Facebook you were snorkeling last month?"
Also, just mildly...I see your question as betraying a slight lack of imagination, which sometimes amazes me. I can come up with a few dozen scenarios where very intellectually curious people might not ask those questions in those contexts, based on their own personalities and lives or on things around you.
One of the quietest people I knew was my maternal grandfather. He was an absolute genius at sitting quietly with people and just enjoying being around them without a lot of talk. He also was a well-respected researcher at GE, held many patents, was a lover of ham radio speaking with people around the world, and received a Presidential medal for an invention during WWII. Up to the day he died he was always learning. But not via interrogative conversations.
I do wonder if this is a broader question just because the specifics of this one seem a bit off to me.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:24 AM on March 10, 2023 [32 favorites]
I am hugely curious about people and used to get paid to interview them which was great. Like most MeFites I think I seek out a lot of new information which is why I'm on this site.
But in conversation with people, unless it's a particular crowd (a business function might well qualify), I mostly hope to build relationships, not satisfy my curiosity. So in a group of people, I wouldn't interrogate one person just because they have an interesting job. I think I'd feel really aware of whether one person is getting a bunch of questions and no one else is, and try to draw other people into the conversation by saying something like "Wow, I've never even scuba dived - but Al, didn't I see on Facebook you were snorkeling last month?"
Also, just mildly...I see your question as betraying a slight lack of imagination, which sometimes amazes me. I can come up with a few dozen scenarios where very intellectually curious people might not ask those questions in those contexts, based on their own personalities and lives or on things around you.
One of the quietest people I knew was my maternal grandfather. He was an absolute genius at sitting quietly with people and just enjoying being around them without a lot of talk. He also was a well-respected researcher at GE, held many patents, was a lover of ham radio speaking with people around the world, and received a Presidential medal for an invention during WWII. Up to the day he died he was always learning. But not via interrogative conversations.
I do wonder if this is a broader question just because the specifics of this one seem a bit off to me.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:24 AM on March 10, 2023 [32 favorites]
I'm intensely curious. I'm also neural divergent. I'm not a keen observer of body-language and micro-expressions. I usually don't know if the other person is getting bored. And I constantly worry I 'm being intrusive/impolite in social situations.
So while I'm capable of white knuckling my way thru when 1 on 1 if someone else is leading the conversation I'm happy to mostly listen to avoid second guessing the conversation for the next three days.
posted by Mitheral at 7:39 AM on March 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
So while I'm capable of white knuckling my way thru when 1 on 1 if someone else is leading the conversation I'm happy to mostly listen to avoid second guessing the conversation for the next three days.
posted by Mitheral at 7:39 AM on March 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
I rarely offer information unless someone asks me questions or otherwise prompts me. I do this not because I'm a private person but because I don't want to appear boring or self-centered. My conversational style is to encourage the other person to talk about whatever they want to discuss. If they stop their monologue to ask me something, I respond appropriately. Otherwise, I just let them talk. In practice, I find that people are typically only too happy to continue talking.
I find that the best conversational partners focus on a topic of mutual interest and encourage me to share my views in roughly equal proportion to them talking about their own views. Frankly, though, this doesn't happen often.
posted by akk2014 at 7:39 AM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
I find that the best conversational partners focus on a topic of mutual interest and encourage me to share my views in roughly equal proportion to them talking about their own views. Frankly, though, this doesn't happen often.
posted by akk2014 at 7:39 AM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
Asking people a lot of questions about themselves feels rude to me, and I don't think my curiosity gives me an excuse to do so. I can be very curious and decide that people trying to enjoy a party aren't there to satisfy my curiosity.
In fact, when I know a close friend has something serious going on, I'll generally say something like, "I've been wondering if everything's OK, but don't feel like you have to talk about it if you don't want to."
I'm not saying that OP is being rude - just that I would feel rude asking in this way. In my case, it has nothing to do with social anxiety or not being curious or being apathetic. I think it's more that asking a lot of questions of someone I've just met feels very invasive to me.
Also, agree that they've heard all these questions before. When I taught English, people who found that out always told me they were bad at English, so I started asking people in other professions what they heard all the time. Everyone had an immediate answer.
posted by FencingGal at 7:40 AM on March 10, 2023 [12 favorites]
In fact, when I know a close friend has something serious going on, I'll generally say something like, "I've been wondering if everything's OK, but don't feel like you have to talk about it if you don't want to."
I'm not saying that OP is being rude - just that I would feel rude asking in this way. In my case, it has nothing to do with social anxiety or not being curious or being apathetic. I think it's more that asking a lot of questions of someone I've just met feels very invasive to me.
Also, agree that they've heard all these questions before. When I taught English, people who found that out always told me they were bad at English, so I started asking people in other professions what they heard all the time. Everyone had an immediate answer.
posted by FencingGal at 7:40 AM on March 10, 2023 [12 favorites]
> Asking people a lot of questions about themselves feels rude to me
I'm one of the people who asks a lot of questions, especially follow-up questions when someone is already telling me about themselves ("Oh, wow! You speak fluent Swahili? That's so cool! Did you ever have a chance to use it in your job?"). People seem to eat this up.
posted by alex1965 at 7:49 AM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm one of the people who asks a lot of questions, especially follow-up questions when someone is already telling me about themselves ("Oh, wow! You speak fluent Swahili? That's so cool! Did you ever have a chance to use it in your job?"). People seem to eat this up.
posted by alex1965 at 7:49 AM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think it is flawed reasoning to mistake silence for lack of curiosity. I consider myself a very curious person. That is one of the reasons I read the green. My kids tease me that I get into conversations with anyone, anytime. I have had a 3 minute conversation with the toll taker on the GS Parkway. But, there are many times I am not interested. There are times the situation is not appropriate to ask the questions I am curious about.
My gf is often asking me questions about social things like, Did Steve and Mary go out Friday with Josephine and Joseph? My answer is always, "I do not know. I did not ask". I guess I am more interested in facts and oddities. I can easily envision many people not interested in an obscure job function or life background. When people ask me, depending on the situation, I will make things up just to see their reaction. "Where did you go to school?" "I went to Virginia on a surfing scholarship." Sometimes I get a reaction and sometimes people just say "oh".
I think the other flaw in your logic is that other (all?) people are interested in what you are interested in. Not being interested in the same subjects or not asking questions in certain settings does not mean they are not curious. Maybe they are not curious in the same way you are.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:55 AM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
My gf is often asking me questions about social things like, Did Steve and Mary go out Friday with Josephine and Joseph? My answer is always, "I do not know. I did not ask". I guess I am more interested in facts and oddities. I can easily envision many people not interested in an obscure job function or life background. When people ask me, depending on the situation, I will make things up just to see their reaction. "Where did you go to school?" "I went to Virginia on a surfing scholarship." Sometimes I get a reaction and sometimes people just say "oh".
I think the other flaw in your logic is that other (all?) people are interested in what you are interested in. Not being interested in the same subjects or not asking questions in certain settings does not mean they are not curious. Maybe they are not curious in the same way you are.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:55 AM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'm a very, very curious person but I'm not always great at reading others and I can't always tell whether it's the "right" environment/time/power dynamic/etc to ask certain questions. I was criticized recently for not asking someone in a position of authority about themselves, and I told them that I wanted to but I wasn't sure whether it was appropriate. And as another poster mentioned upthread, talking about employment situations can be an emotional minefield -- for a lot of folks it's totally fine but others have some trauma/shame attached to it because of the HUGE importance work and money and class have in our society, and so I usually let the other party take the lead on that conversation if they broach it.
posted by mirepoix at 7:57 AM on March 10, 2023
posted by mirepoix at 7:57 AM on March 10, 2023
If I set aside the context you provided and reframe your question as simply, "why are some people uncurious and apathetic" (taking it as a given that they really were uncurious and apathetic), that's actually a pretty interesting question with non-obvious answers.
What makes a person self-involved? Is it innate hardwired temperament or the effect of temporary circumstance or the cumulative impact of life experiences - especially childhood experiences which have formative impacts on personality (or perhaps some combination of these, and if so, what combination)? By what processes does one become so socially disconnected that one is unmoved, uninterested, uninspired by other people? What causes a human brain to lose its innate drive to learn, know, create, enquire?
You'll find general answers to these questions in the fields of psychology, neuroscience, sociology... and perhaps even something as esoteric as game theory, if you want to delve into the negotiations and power dynamics inherent in social interactions.
If you want particular answers that pertain to the specific people around you, you might be able to use the general knowledge you gather from psych/neuroscience/sociology (but not game theory, lol) to ask them the right sorts of questions to figure out why they might be exhibiting incurious and apathetic behavior at this point in their lives. By this I mean questions about their personal background and upbringing, questions about their current life and circumstances, questions about their beliefs and practices surrounding community and connection, questions about what they value and what personal goals they're working on, and if you've established a close and trusting relationship with them, you can even ask about their mental health.
Which is to say, if you really want to know the answer to your question, there are ways to find out, but it will take effort and time to learn - not just the theory and the subject matter, but the people too.
posted by MiraK at 8:13 AM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
What makes a person self-involved? Is it innate hardwired temperament or the effect of temporary circumstance or the cumulative impact of life experiences - especially childhood experiences which have formative impacts on personality (or perhaps some combination of these, and if so, what combination)? By what processes does one become so socially disconnected that one is unmoved, uninterested, uninspired by other people? What causes a human brain to lose its innate drive to learn, know, create, enquire?
You'll find general answers to these questions in the fields of psychology, neuroscience, sociology... and perhaps even something as esoteric as game theory, if you want to delve into the negotiations and power dynamics inherent in social interactions.
If you want particular answers that pertain to the specific people around you, you might be able to use the general knowledge you gather from psych/neuroscience/sociology (but not game theory, lol) to ask them the right sorts of questions to figure out why they might be exhibiting incurious and apathetic behavior at this point in their lives. By this I mean questions about their personal background and upbringing, questions about their current life and circumstances, questions about their beliefs and practices surrounding community and connection, questions about what they value and what personal goals they're working on, and if you've established a close and trusting relationship with them, you can even ask about their mental health.
Which is to say, if you really want to know the answer to your question, there are ways to find out, but it will take effort and time to learn - not just the theory and the subject matter, but the people too.
posted by MiraK at 8:13 AM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
Asking people about what they do for work is often a way of sorting people into social and economic classes, so many people deliberately avoid those kinds of questions. Other people are perfectly fine with sorting people into social and economic classes but come from cultures where that sort of sorting is done based on asking about family connections. And some people are cognizant that people with unusual jobs gets asked the same questions about their unusual jobs over and over and over again and don't wish to contribute to that.
And some people are just wrapped up in their own thoughts, anxieties, interests, and are genuinely not that interested in the details of acquaintances' lives which is, you know, also an acceptable way to be in the world.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:15 AM on March 10, 2023 [8 favorites]
And some people are just wrapped up in their own thoughts, anxieties, interests, and are genuinely not that interested in the details of acquaintances' lives which is, you know, also an acceptable way to be in the world.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:15 AM on March 10, 2023 [8 favorites]
For me this would be a combination of shyness, anxiety, knowing that my flavor of neurodivergence means my social interactions can feel awkward to others and not wanting to impose on them, and frankly, depending on the circumstance, feeling that it can be pretty rude to press someone to tell me more about themselves than they've offered freely. Conferences, sure, you're there to network. But I don't want to be grilled about my job at a social event and I wouldn't do it to someone else. Whatever that thing is you seem confident that you have that tells you if you're talking to someone who's bored or uncomfortable, I don't have that, and my curiosity isn't more important than the other person's comfort, so I mostly keep my questions to myself.
Also, yeah, a lot of stuff that many people seem to use as neutral chitchat stuff isn't actually neutral to me or the people I consider my community. Job and education and hobby talk brings up a lot of stuff around class and privilege and disability. Family talk can bring up issues around queerness and alternative family structures. That's not to say not to talk about it, but it's worth being aware that some people would be curious on other topics but are excluded by what you're talking about.
posted by Stacey at 8:23 AM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
Also, yeah, a lot of stuff that many people seem to use as neutral chitchat stuff isn't actually neutral to me or the people I consider my community. Job and education and hobby talk brings up a lot of stuff around class and privilege and disability. Family talk can bring up issues around queerness and alternative family structures. That's not to say not to talk about it, but it's worth being aware that some people would be curious on other topics but are excluded by what you're talking about.
posted by Stacey at 8:23 AM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
So I wouldn't ask questions in the first situation, at least the way I'm picturing it. There's a set up for a conversation, an instead it's become an interview. Exactly zero of my social instincts are telling me to make it more like an interview; I am looking for an opportunity to get other people involved and make it a discussion. And probably failing, because it's really hard to segue away from an "interview with a steeplejack."
And, as I'm not a keen observer of microexpressions, so I'm projecting here, but I will generally assume someone at a semi-social event doesn't want to be interviewed at length about their job by someone who doesn't know anything about it.
I would hate to domineer a conversation
You are domineering it, though, aren't you? You have your topic, and although other members less interested (or at least not being involved), and the only role you're even imagining for everyone is on that topic.
posted by mark k at 8:38 AM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
And, as I'm not a keen observer of microexpressions, so I'm projecting here, but I will generally assume someone at a semi-social event doesn't want to be interviewed at length about their job by someone who doesn't know anything about it.
I would hate to domineer a conversation
You are domineering it, though, aren't you? You have your topic, and although other members less interested (or at least not being involved), and the only role you're even imagining for everyone is on that topic.
posted by mark k at 8:38 AM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
Perhaps your example was bad, but I would argue that your questions serve only to entertain you, and not to fulfill the person being questioned in any way.
posted by lyssabee at 8:39 AM on March 10, 2023 [13 favorites]
posted by lyssabee at 8:39 AM on March 10, 2023 [13 favorites]
Hi, I am a curious person but I don't always vocalize or feel the need to feed my curiosity. I'm also somewhat introverted and find social situations draining. So while I may have a lot curiosity about a person and want to know more, that doesn't mean I'm going to actually ask them. Chances are I'm quietly watching the clock until it's a reasonable time to make my exit, and then I might go home and google whatever topic about that person that I thought to be interesting, and read up on it privately.
posted by greta simone at 8:41 AM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by greta simone at 8:41 AM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
In my case, I have an absolute horror of appearing nosy or prying, and I overcorrect and it comes across as a lack of interest. I know I do it, but in the moment I internally freak out and clam up.
posted by gaspode at 8:41 AM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by gaspode at 8:41 AM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: This is a rewrite of an answer I gave to a somewhat similar question about 10 years ago. You might be interested in this quote I just ran across from 20th century thinker Clifton Fadiman. Asking questions is not always the path to good conversation. In discussing his radio show Conversation, Fadiman says this:
". . . we Americans place considerable faith in the question-and-answer technique as a means of eliciting what is loosely called the truth. We had to learn that, as far as conversation is concerned, the technique is unproductive. I do not believe that the interview method ever generates real answers. It may draw out public pronouncements. But it can never create good talk, and whenever on Conversation I find myself "spurring" my colleagues with questions, I know we're in trouble. The art of exchanging ideas has nothing to do with the art of interrogation."
posted by JanetLand at 8:44 AM on March 10, 2023 [8 favorites]
". . . we Americans place considerable faith in the question-and-answer technique as a means of eliciting what is loosely called the truth. We had to learn that, as far as conversation is concerned, the technique is unproductive. I do not believe that the interview method ever generates real answers. It may draw out public pronouncements. But it can never create good talk, and whenever on Conversation I find myself "spurring" my colleagues with questions, I know we're in trouble. The art of exchanging ideas has nothing to do with the art of interrogation."
posted by JanetLand at 8:44 AM on March 10, 2023 [8 favorites]
I'm a very curious person. However, I find conversations where the person I'm talking to does little other than ask me questions disconcerting, uncomfortable, and unpleasantly one-sided. I don't get to learn anything about them. I much prefer conversations where everyone gets to contribute ideas/opinions/experiences in turn, and where people get to decide what they want to talk about and then volunteer to do so - I feel less uncomfortable and I still learn a lot about other people. I don't ask a lot of questions, especially not a 'laundry list' all in a row, because I don't feel they lead towards the kind of conversations I prefer.
Different people have different conversational preferences. It doesn't make them incurious or apathetic about others.
posted by darchildre at 9:28 AM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
Different people have different conversational preferences. It doesn't make them incurious or apathetic about others.
posted by darchildre at 9:28 AM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
My late father was a steeplejack in his younger years. I have an uncle who was an underwater welder. I had another uncle who flew 747s. I don't think I ever asked any of them about their work in those fields
But also, those fields weren't novel to you. That's an important thing, in addition to the social anxiety and introversion stuff. What's novel to me, or to the OP, is old hat to plenty of other people. Here's an example. I love Paul Lukas's Uni Watch blog. A couple of weeks ago on his Substack, he interviewed a letter carrier whose hobby is collecting vintage USPS uniform stuff. My dad was a letter carrier who spent his entire career at the Post Office, so I sent him the link. His reaction? "Yeah, so?" For me, all this stuff was a perfect combination of familiar and new, such that I could dive down that particular rabbit hole. But, to mix my metaphors here, my dad's been swimming in that water for fifty years now. It's not new to him. Back to the original metaphor, there wasn't any rabbit hole for him to go down; he'd already gone down it and come back several times over.
I think this is exceedingly likely in one of the OP's examples, professional gatherings. I work in the IT department of an insurance company. Occasionally my company will have cross-departmental events, where there are people I casually know. But there are two kinds of conversations we could have at these events. One is "so what's new in your department?", which isn't really necessary because our marketing team does a great job of sending out newsletters highlighting what various teams are working on. (And also, let's be honest, it's insurance. Not much happens.) The second is juicy gossip - "so-and-so got fired for sexually harassing someone", "they're about to combine these two departments and one of the VPs is gonna get laid off" - and that's not appropriate. Maybe if we split off from the group and we're just chatting by yourselves, but not in a big open room where one of those VPs could be walking right behind you.
Another thing is that the interlocutors matter a little bit here. I like asking questions like the OP, but there are signals that people send that other people might not be receptive to. If your underwater welder is wearing a MAGA hat, for example. The OP and I might still talk to him about underwater welding, but a lot of people will see the hat and lose any interest in conversation. I guess you could classify that as "lacking curiosity", but it's not unreasonable. On a less political level, if you and I are standing around talking to someone who's much more prestigious for whatever reason (for example, the VP of another department at my company), yeah, I might not be as active in the conversation as I might otherwise be.
In general, I tend to be a lot like the OP, where I'd rather dominate a conversation than not get answers to something I'm curious about. But one thing I've learned, as an extremely curious person, is that you should be slow to attribute a lack of curiosity to anyone else. I'm an outlier, and most people will seem incurious to me, just like the jocks at your high school would seem charmingly small-time to a professional athlete. That's not to say high school jocks don't value athleticism, or don't work hard to be more athletic. It's just that the pro athlete is more athletic than they'll ever be, because pro athletes are outliers.
posted by kevinbelt at 9:59 AM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
But also, those fields weren't novel to you. That's an important thing, in addition to the social anxiety and introversion stuff. What's novel to me, or to the OP, is old hat to plenty of other people. Here's an example. I love Paul Lukas's Uni Watch blog. A couple of weeks ago on his Substack, he interviewed a letter carrier whose hobby is collecting vintage USPS uniform stuff. My dad was a letter carrier who spent his entire career at the Post Office, so I sent him the link. His reaction? "Yeah, so?" For me, all this stuff was a perfect combination of familiar and new, such that I could dive down that particular rabbit hole. But, to mix my metaphors here, my dad's been swimming in that water for fifty years now. It's not new to him. Back to the original metaphor, there wasn't any rabbit hole for him to go down; he'd already gone down it and come back several times over.
I think this is exceedingly likely in one of the OP's examples, professional gatherings. I work in the IT department of an insurance company. Occasionally my company will have cross-departmental events, where there are people I casually know. But there are two kinds of conversations we could have at these events. One is "so what's new in your department?", which isn't really necessary because our marketing team does a great job of sending out newsletters highlighting what various teams are working on. (And also, let's be honest, it's insurance. Not much happens.) The second is juicy gossip - "so-and-so got fired for sexually harassing someone", "they're about to combine these two departments and one of the VPs is gonna get laid off" - and that's not appropriate. Maybe if we split off from the group and we're just chatting by yourselves, but not in a big open room where one of those VPs could be walking right behind you.
Another thing is that the interlocutors matter a little bit here. I like asking questions like the OP, but there are signals that people send that other people might not be receptive to. If your underwater welder is wearing a MAGA hat, for example. The OP and I might still talk to him about underwater welding, but a lot of people will see the hat and lose any interest in conversation. I guess you could classify that as "lacking curiosity", but it's not unreasonable. On a less political level, if you and I are standing around talking to someone who's much more prestigious for whatever reason (for example, the VP of another department at my company), yeah, I might not be as active in the conversation as I might otherwise be.
In general, I tend to be a lot like the OP, where I'd rather dominate a conversation than not get answers to something I'm curious about. But one thing I've learned, as an extremely curious person, is that you should be slow to attribute a lack of curiosity to anyone else. I'm an outlier, and most people will seem incurious to me, just like the jocks at your high school would seem charmingly small-time to a professional athlete. That's not to say high school jocks don't value athleticism, or don't work hard to be more athletic. It's just that the pro athlete is more athletic than they'll ever be, because pro athletes are outliers.
posted by kevinbelt at 9:59 AM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm a keen observer of body-language and micro-expressions. I usually know if the other person is getting bored.
Many interesting theories and observations above, but most of them hinge on the assumption that your seemingly incurious folks are not necessarily bored. But your comment indicates that you believe they are. And, it is a definite possibility.
Lots of people are simply not interested in things they can't relate to. If they don't have kids, they don't want to hear more than a sentence or two about your kids. If your job is not similar to their job, they are not even remotely interested in it, unless what you do pertains to their life in some way or you have knowledge that could help them. They can't even come up with a couple of polite questions, because there is genuinely nothing they want to know about what you do. Just very self-centered.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 10:02 AM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
Many interesting theories and observations above, but most of them hinge on the assumption that your seemingly incurious folks are not necessarily bored. But your comment indicates that you believe they are. And, it is a definite possibility.
Lots of people are simply not interested in things they can't relate to. If they don't have kids, they don't want to hear more than a sentence or two about your kids. If your job is not similar to their job, they are not even remotely interested in it, unless what you do pertains to their life in some way or you have knowledge that could help them. They can't even come up with a couple of polite questions, because there is genuinely nothing they want to know about what you do. Just very self-centered.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 10:02 AM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
If these are professional / networking events, people are there for a purpose, and they are indicating that they are not looking to add a steeplejack to their professional network at this time. They may have specific needs that they're focusing on (a mentor, someone who can build apps, someone who works for particular companies).
I also find it uncomfortable to have one-sided conversations, it feels extractive. If we go back and forth, I have a better idea what your interests are and I can tell you about the parts of my job that are relevant to you. I'll politely answer your questions, and I won't be bored, but it's not how I'd steer the conversation. Try leaving a longer pause or finding a way to engage these other folks who are apparently standing around.
posted by momus_window at 10:04 AM on March 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
I also find it uncomfortable to have one-sided conversations, it feels extractive. If we go back and forth, I have a better idea what your interests are and I can tell you about the parts of my job that are relevant to you. I'll politely answer your questions, and I won't be bored, but it's not how I'd steer the conversation. Try leaving a longer pause or finding a way to engage these other folks who are apparently standing around.
posted by momus_window at 10:04 AM on March 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
This might be neither here nor there, but I've had some unusual jobs in my lifetime. I don't mind at all when people question me about them. In fact, I rather enjoy talking about those professions. Though, consistent with the OP's observations, I find that most people really aren't that interested.
posted by JD Sockinger at 10:08 AM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by JD Sockinger at 10:08 AM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm a very curious person who is interested in all sorts of aspects of other people's lives, and I really dislike a style of conversation that feels like an interview. I will definitely ask people questions about themselves, but as others have said, I prefer to use questions as a springboard to see where the conversation can go. So if they mention they travel for work, I might ask where they've been recently, and if they say someplace I've been, then we'll talk about that for a while.
I do kind of know what you mean, though, it can be really weird, for instance, to be in a conversation where you're showing a lot of interest in someone and they're showing none back. One thing I eventually realized is that a lot of time what can feel like rudeness or lack of interest may be natural shyness, or social anxiety, or maybe they're preoccupied with something else and just don't have the energy/capacity to fully engage in a conversation. Also, people just have different interests. If I met an underwater welder, I'd be like "oh that's cool" but I probably wouldn't have a million questions about it. If that underwater welder was starting a union of underwater welders, I would probably want to talk with them all night.
posted by lunasol at 11:39 AM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
I do kind of know what you mean, though, it can be really weird, for instance, to be in a conversation where you're showing a lot of interest in someone and they're showing none back. One thing I eventually realized is that a lot of time what can feel like rudeness or lack of interest may be natural shyness, or social anxiety, or maybe they're preoccupied with something else and just don't have the energy/capacity to fully engage in a conversation. Also, people just have different interests. If I met an underwater welder, I'd be like "oh that's cool" but I probably wouldn't have a million questions about it. If that underwater welder was starting a union of underwater welders, I would probably want to talk with them all night.
posted by lunasol at 11:39 AM on March 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
In my experience, most people don’t really care about things that don’t directly impact their own well-being or that of their partner/children/immediate family. I agree with the OP that it seems to boil down to a lack of interest in most cases.
There are ways to engage with and show you care about the wider world other than asking direct questions and, again IME, a lot of people don’t do much of any of them either.
posted by oywiththepoodles at 11:42 AM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
There are ways to engage with and show you care about the wider world other than asking direct questions and, again IME, a lot of people don’t do much of any of them either.
posted by oywiththepoodles at 11:42 AM on March 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think it's not so much that people aren't curious, it's just they can go online and learn about widgetmaking on their own without having to talk to others. Which affects social etiquette and pleasantries. There's a lot of online discourse about how many people hate making small talk or even being greeted by others.
posted by kimberussell at 11:51 AM on March 10, 2023
posted by kimberussell at 11:51 AM on March 10, 2023
I could be completely off about this but:
If you're standing around in a group of people, people usually take turns talking and sharing stories or one person dominates the conversation for a time without much prompting because they have something longer to say. If the conversation becomes between two people of a multiperson group--with one asking a lot of questions of the other and the other making all the replies--it's no longer really a group, is it? Which is absolutely fine depending on context--maybe two people are starting to flirt with each other at a party, and then they pair off--but if it's in a less casual context, then two people having a long, interrogative conversation in a group can come across as time monopolization.
That, and some people aren't interested in particular sorts of work or in work at all.
posted by kingdead at 12:30 PM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
If you're standing around in a group of people, people usually take turns talking and sharing stories or one person dominates the conversation for a time without much prompting because they have something longer to say. If the conversation becomes between two people of a multiperson group--with one asking a lot of questions of the other and the other making all the replies--it's no longer really a group, is it? Which is absolutely fine depending on context--maybe two people are starting to flirt with each other at a party, and then they pair off--but if it's in a less casual context, then two people having a long, interrogative conversation in a group can come across as time monopolization.
That, and some people aren't interested in particular sorts of work or in work at all.
posted by kingdead at 12:30 PM on March 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
I'm a very curious person, but I would hesitate to ask people about their work because so many people hate their jobs that their replies are often quite negative/downbeat/depressing.
I would make an exception for someone who was in a field that is usually a passion project, like palaeontology.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 10:03 PM on March 10, 2023
I would make an exception for someone who was in a field that is usually a passion project, like palaeontology.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 10:03 PM on March 10, 2023
Golly. This question makes me never want to leave the house again. Consider this...
some of us really struggle with social events and you can be sure that from the second we know about said event to the minute we enter the venue, thinking of this event will become our #1 source of stress and anxiety.
If it's a month away, we will wake up in the night thinking about who will be there, what people will be wearing, the layout of the venue, where we can escape to the bathroom or veranda or kitchen, what kind of food will be served so we can make non-embarrassing choices that won't get stuck in our teeth or give us bad breath, who we will already know so we can have someone safe to stand near, how long we can be there until we safely leave (this will lead into a rabbithole of whether or not the term Irish exit is offensive), doing endless hours of mental calculation of how to practice saying hello and goodbye to certain key people, thinking about every single social interaction we have ever had with people we think will be there...
and you can be 100% sure that we will spend at least 200 hours of pure mental anxiety over this event, so when we manage to push through (with or without betablockers or Xanax), put on our nice clothes and enter the venue, it is a freaking miracle that we're there.
To know that someone interprets our hard-won feeling of quiet victory because we did the hard thing as "total apathy to other people,"
we would be positively shattered. It's not apathy.
For some of us, it's not apathy; it's anxiety.
For others, we're just good listeners and we like to give others the floor.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:40 AM on March 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
some of us really struggle with social events and you can be sure that from the second we know about said event to the minute we enter the venue, thinking of this event will become our #1 source of stress and anxiety.
If it's a month away, we will wake up in the night thinking about who will be there, what people will be wearing, the layout of the venue, where we can escape to the bathroom or veranda or kitchen, what kind of food will be served so we can make non-embarrassing choices that won't get stuck in our teeth or give us bad breath, who we will already know so we can have someone safe to stand near, how long we can be there until we safely leave (this will lead into a rabbithole of whether or not the term Irish exit is offensive), doing endless hours of mental calculation of how to practice saying hello and goodbye to certain key people, thinking about every single social interaction we have ever had with people we think will be there...
and you can be 100% sure that we will spend at least 200 hours of pure mental anxiety over this event, so when we manage to push through (with or without betablockers or Xanax), put on our nice clothes and enter the venue, it is a freaking miracle that we're there.
To know that someone interprets our hard-won feeling of quiet victory because we did the hard thing as "total apathy to other people,"
we would be positively shattered. It's not apathy.
For some of us, it's not apathy; it's anxiety.
For others, we're just good listeners and we like to give others the floor.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:40 AM on March 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
why some people lack curiosity and are just so apathetic
I am very curious about a great many things and have tremendous energy for a wide range of pursuits, and for engaging with certain people.
The simple answer, then, is that I couldn't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut about you, random stranger, nor who you are, nor what you do. I don't know you, and I have no desire to. Why would I? You are not in my circle of acquaintances, which is sufficiently full and not looking for new applicants.
This does not make me apathetic. I simply don't have time or the slightest inclination to make idle chit chat with somebody because we happen to find ourselves standing in the same room together. I have many sources of stimulation and entertainment, and know a great many people who are stimulating and entertaining. I do not need strangers to play any role whatsoever in this regard. You could be a goddamned astronaut; I'll read about it when I get home, because I don't see us doing space things together any time soon.
If you were to say to me "my, but you do a very different thing to me, and now I shall harangue you about the thing for my own personal amusement", I dare say my micro-expressions would send a very clear signal about where you could go and what you could do with yourself on arrival. There's curious, and then there's nosy, and then there's just some entitled extrovert vomiting rainbows at the side of your head.
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 5:23 AM on March 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
I am very curious about a great many things and have tremendous energy for a wide range of pursuits, and for engaging with certain people.
The simple answer, then, is that I couldn't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut about you, random stranger, nor who you are, nor what you do. I don't know you, and I have no desire to. Why would I? You are not in my circle of acquaintances, which is sufficiently full and not looking for new applicants.
This does not make me apathetic. I simply don't have time or the slightest inclination to make idle chit chat with somebody because we happen to find ourselves standing in the same room together. I have many sources of stimulation and entertainment, and know a great many people who are stimulating and entertaining. I do not need strangers to play any role whatsoever in this regard. You could be a goddamned astronaut; I'll read about it when I get home, because I don't see us doing space things together any time soon.
If you were to say to me "my, but you do a very different thing to me, and now I shall harangue you about the thing for my own personal amusement", I dare say my micro-expressions would send a very clear signal about where you could go and what you could do with yourself on arrival. There's curious, and then there's nosy, and then there's just some entitled extrovert vomiting rainbows at the side of your head.
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 5:23 AM on March 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
Gently, I'm curious about how you arrived at the conclusion that not quizzing people is proof of apathy and a lack of curiosity? For someone who is interested in the experiences of others, it seems like a gap in your perspective-taking skills to assume people who don't behave like you do are doing so for a reason that seems to paint you in the best possible light and them in the worst possible light. Consider that you might do well to ask yourself some questions about what other possibilities there might be - and why you might have made the assumptions that you have. I think others have already provided some of those other possibilities, and I hope you've found that helpful.
(for the record, I can and will also be the "interviewer" in a conversation at times, but in all honesty that's both due to some level of curiosity AND a function of my own anxiety, which sometimes manifests as "DingoMutt, if you aren't keeping the conversation going at all costs you are DULL and BORING and everyone HATES talking to you - quick, ask another question!" ... so I wouldn't even say it's accurate to assume that everyone who does ask questions like you is demonstrating proof of above-average curiosity)
posted by DingoMutt at 8:24 AM on March 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
(for the record, I can and will also be the "interviewer" in a conversation at times, but in all honesty that's both due to some level of curiosity AND a function of my own anxiety, which sometimes manifests as "DingoMutt, if you aren't keeping the conversation going at all costs you are DULL and BORING and everyone HATES talking to you - quick, ask another question!" ... so I wouldn't even say it's accurate to assume that everyone who does ask questions like you is demonstrating proof of above-average curiosity)
posted by DingoMutt at 8:24 AM on March 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
I haven't seen an answer here that mentions how common some degree of hearing loss is in adults, especially in situations with background noise. That on its own can be interpreted as being bored and out of it and aloof, when it's more just that smiling silently is a coping strategy to not have to reveal that you're missing a lot of what's being said. The other side of that is a reluctance to enter a group conversation if you know your voice is quiet and you will either modulate to shouting too loudly or speaking normally with nobody hearing you and the remark being ignored.
posted by lizard music at 9:16 AM on March 11, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by lizard music at 9:16 AM on March 11, 2023 [8 favorites]
When my ex and I first met, I explicitly invited them to learn more about me by asking questions. They gave me a weird look, thought for about five seconds, then asked me which way I hang the toilet paper roll. That was about the extent of their interest in asking about me for the duration of our 8 month relationship.
A different ex from years ago declined my invitation to read my blog as a way of learning more about my interior life. He heavily implied that he just didn’t find it interesting.
I never understood either of these experiences. In both cases I expressly invited them to learn more about me and neither accepted the invitation. I can’t help you understand the why, OP, but I agree that some people seem to lack any true curiosity about others. Both of these exes were happy to tell me at length all about themselves, sometimes in response to my direct questions and sometimes unasked.
posted by southern_sky at 2:43 PM on March 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
A different ex from years ago declined my invitation to read my blog as a way of learning more about my interior life. He heavily implied that he just didn’t find it interesting.
I never understood either of these experiences. In both cases I expressly invited them to learn more about me and neither accepted the invitation. I can’t help you understand the why, OP, but I agree that some people seem to lack any true curiosity about others. Both of these exes were happy to tell me at length all about themselves, sometimes in response to my direct questions and sometimes unasked.
posted by southern_sky at 2:43 PM on March 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'm a highly curious person. I seek out knowledge through video or written form. I don't do well in social situation due to social anxiety, auditory processing issues and some degree of neurodivergence. I used to think well on my feet, but years of depression and PTSD have blunted that.
posted by kathrynm at 5:29 PM on March 11, 2023
posted by kathrynm at 5:29 PM on March 11, 2023
I've been the target of "your life is so interesting!" questions. At some point they start to get dehumanising. They're not seeing me for me, I'm just some zoo animal being interrogated, and it can get exhausting especially when it's not reciprocal (i.e. I know fuck all about the person quizzing me) or when it's the only thing people want to talk about.
posted by creatrixtiara at 8:55 PM on March 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by creatrixtiara at 8:55 PM on March 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
I'm late to this party but just want to say that I'm with OP. Taking the topic of engaging with people more broadly, I used to go to events or parties or just, you know, go to work or the dog run or whatever, and make friends. My experience now is that no one wants to engage. As someone who actively wants to forge relationships, be they personal or professional, I find it nearly impossible. Didn't used to be like that. To me people seem more closed off, whether it's disinterest or something else I don't know.
posted by weirdly airport at 6:23 AM on March 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by weirdly airport at 6:23 AM on March 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
To me people seem more closed off, whether it's disinterest or something else I don't know.
As an individual data point, uh, covid isolation?
For example, I used to date all the time, and generally I would describe myself as extremely socially competent in the early getting to know you conversations. Took a long break from dating due to residual Trump anger then covid, and now I'm back in it. I can hear myself being worse at having conversations now.
I live alone, my friend group has remained steady for a while; reflecting on it, I realized that outside of coworkers, I really haven't had the opportunity to talk to anyone new-to-me in literally years. I'm out of practice, I feel stupid, and I surely am not the only one. And I don't have the deck stacked against me with social anxiety, etc!
If you really want to be the garrulous extrovert you want to see in the world, for a while I think it may behoove you to meet people where they're at. We've all been through a shared trauma here.
posted by phunniemee at 7:40 AM on March 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
As an individual data point, uh, covid isolation?
For example, I used to date all the time, and generally I would describe myself as extremely socially competent in the early getting to know you conversations. Took a long break from dating due to residual Trump anger then covid, and now I'm back in it. I can hear myself being worse at having conversations now.
I live alone, my friend group has remained steady for a while; reflecting on it, I realized that outside of coworkers, I really haven't had the opportunity to talk to anyone new-to-me in literally years. I'm out of practice, I feel stupid, and I surely am not the only one. And I don't have the deck stacked against me with social anxiety, etc!
If you really want to be the garrulous extrovert you want to see in the world, for a while I think it may behoove you to meet people where they're at. We've all been through a shared trauma here.
posted by phunniemee at 7:40 AM on March 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
Yeah, to the extent this is new behavior, some if it might be a combination of the several years of trauma everyone’s experiencing, and possibly also the missing chunk of people you’re not meeting out in the world because they are still at home taking covid precautions. (Or it might be that you yourself are interacting differently than you used to after all the isolation and trauma, aren’t fully aware of it, and may be seeing others’ reactions to that.)
posted by Stacey at 10:01 AM on March 12, 2023
posted by Stacey at 10:01 AM on March 12, 2023
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for those awesome and mind expanding answers. They've really given me something to reflect on.
For those reading this thinking strangers don't like talking about themselves. Some don't but most do! In fact MRI scans of people talking about themselves show their brains lighting up when talking about themselves! I've enjoyed my conversations with strangers. For me, they've been the spark to new hobbies, new ideas and new ways of looking at life.
In case anyone wants more information I've found, what looks like an interesting book on the topic, Reclaiming Conversation: the power of talk in a digital age by Sherry Turkle.
Thanks again for contributing!
posted by jacobean at 10:06 AM on March 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
For those reading this thinking strangers don't like talking about themselves. Some don't but most do! In fact MRI scans of people talking about themselves show their brains lighting up when talking about themselves! I've enjoyed my conversations with strangers. For me, they've been the spark to new hobbies, new ideas and new ways of looking at life.
In case anyone wants more information I've found, what looks like an interesting book on the topic, Reclaiming Conversation: the power of talk in a digital age by Sherry Turkle.
Thanks again for contributing!
posted by jacobean at 10:06 AM on March 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
For what it's worth, I'm apparently the one data point in support of your original theory: I'm not actually terribly curious about people--especially, about strangers and their jobs. Do. Not. Give. A. Shit. It is hard enough keeping track of all of the information required to make it from one day to the next, remaining employed, and remaining in the good graces of the people who are already in my life and about whom I have good reason to be curious and informed, without adding some rando's fuckin' steeplejack bullshit to the pile when I will never see them again and absolutely never work as a steeplejack.
I suppose that makes me self-absorbed but...c'est la vie? I try to balance it out by not talking a whole lot about myself unless absolutely demanded, by someone like yourself.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:30 AM on March 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
I suppose that makes me self-absorbed but...c'est la vie? I try to balance it out by not talking a whole lot about myself unless absolutely demanded, by someone like yourself.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:30 AM on March 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also, some people are self-absorbed, so the thought of asking questions about another person never crosses their mind.
Both of these kinds of people are unpleasant to be around, but the combination of the two is quite dreary.
posted by jonathanhughes at 6:27 AM on March 10, 2023 [8 favorites]