How can I support my teen experiencing her first ever breakup
January 21, 2023 8:20 AM Subscribe
What would you have wanted from your mother?
My teenager broke up with her boyfriend a couple days ago. It was a real relationship, years long, and they were in love and "best friends" and mostly happy until recently. But it ran its course: he was increasingly mean, making snide or critical remarks and then getting angry at her for objecting. When she told him being his gf longer felt right, he agreed, said he was thinking the same thing, gave her tissues, wished her well. (It was the most civilized breakup ever, basically.)
So, about as good as it gets: a supportive, loving, long term romance, a respectful parting. But my poor baby is in so much pain. None of her friends are experienced with this kind of adult-style heartache, so even with the best of will, they can't really understand. (Plus, if we're honest, I can already see, from what she told me about recent interactions with them, that they're generally neither equipped nor willing to be the emotional props she craves, for which I can't blame them.) And they're mostly in a shared social circle with the ex, anyway.
If you had a breakup like this when you were still living at home, what would have wanted from your mother? Should I insist on driving her around so she isn't driving upset? This is catching us very much in the middle of the "teenager pulls away from parents, turns to peers" phase of her life, so while she does confide in me, having me as a primary support may not be comfortable for her.
My teenager broke up with her boyfriend a couple days ago. It was a real relationship, years long, and they were in love and "best friends" and mostly happy until recently. But it ran its course: he was increasingly mean, making snide or critical remarks and then getting angry at her for objecting. When she told him being his gf longer felt right, he agreed, said he was thinking the same thing, gave her tissues, wished her well. (It was the most civilized breakup ever, basically.)
So, about as good as it gets: a supportive, loving, long term romance, a respectful parting. But my poor baby is in so much pain. None of her friends are experienced with this kind of adult-style heartache, so even with the best of will, they can't really understand. (Plus, if we're honest, I can already see, from what she told me about recent interactions with them, that they're generally neither equipped nor willing to be the emotional props she craves, for which I can't blame them.) And they're mostly in a shared social circle with the ex, anyway.
If you had a breakup like this when you were still living at home, what would have wanted from your mother? Should I insist on driving her around so she isn't driving upset? This is catching us very much in the middle of the "teenager pulls away from parents, turns to peers" phase of her life, so while she does confide in me, having me as a primary support may not be comfortable for her.
Just acknowledging that what she's feeling is REAL is huge. SO many people just say things like "YOu're so young you''ll get over it." or "Hey wait till you have a real heartbreak as a grownup..." that negates the real pain kids feel.
posted by mmf at 8:57 AM on January 21, 2023 [16 favorites]
posted by mmf at 8:57 AM on January 21, 2023 [16 favorites]
Best answer: In addition to what DarlingBri said I encourage you to explicitly say how proud you are of her for not staying with someone/tolerating someone who was "was increasingly mean, making snide or critical remarks and then getting angry at her for objecting."
Women are socialized to put up or go along or make excuses for all kinds of behavior that diminishes them and it can take a long time to unlearn that. Your daughter is strong and smart and brave and awesome for not putting up with this!
posted by brookeb at 9:10 AM on January 21, 2023 [66 favorites]
Women are socialized to put up or go along or make excuses for all kinds of behavior that diminishes them and it can take a long time to unlearn that. Your daughter is strong and smart and brave and awesome for not putting up with this!
posted by brookeb at 9:10 AM on January 21, 2023 [66 favorites]
If a couple of smart adults taking about ending a relationship would help, the latest episode of the podcast Tea with Alice is about divorce. The host is an Australian comedian named Alice Frasier and her guest is amicably divorcing her husband.
They talk about how relationships can be successful and end. The phrase “I’m glad nobody had to die for this relationship to come to a successful end.” Made me rethink some of my previous relationships.
posted by Uncle at 9:14 AM on January 21, 2023 [1 favorite]
They talk about how relationships can be successful and end. The phrase “I’m glad nobody had to die for this relationship to come to a successful end.” Made me rethink some of my previous relationships.
posted by Uncle at 9:14 AM on January 21, 2023 [1 favorite]
This is a great opportunity to talk about self-care. What are the things we do for ourselves when we are sad, disappointed, heartbroken etc. It happens a lot in life, unfortunately, so how can we do the things we need to do for turn inward and treat ourselves well. Every person will have a different thing - movies and ice cream, walks with friends, dancing etc. Ask your daughter to think about those things and support her to do them either with you or without.
posted by Toddles at 9:25 AM on January 21, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 9:25 AM on January 21, 2023 [4 favorites]
I agree that it’s important to validate her feelings, because this is a big new emotion for her. But I’d caution you against going too far in that direction, because you run the risk of inflating this into more than it is. This is a get-back-on-the-bike situation. As hard as this is for her, it’s only going to get harder for her as she gets older and her relationships get more serious. So yes, absolutely take her out for ice cream. Maybe even more than once. But also, ask her about other boys at school. Get her to talk about some of the good things about being single (being able to make plans without checking in with your boyfriend, stuff like that). Make sure she knows that, as bad as it feels, she’s stronger.
posted by kevinbelt at 9:45 AM on January 21, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by kevinbelt at 9:45 AM on January 21, 2023 [6 favorites]
Good for you for putting so much thought into this. Of course, if she complains about him, it will be great if you listen, but I'd really caution you against saying anything negative about him yourself. They could end up getting back together. This was a behavior change for him, so it might have been driven by something external and it's possible he could rethink this and change and then she could decide to give him another chance. (Not saying it's likely, but it's possible.) And if she does get back together with him, that could end up causing an unnecessary wall between you if she knows you have issues with him. My parents' dislike of my ex-boyfriend was one reason I never told them when he started making threatening phone calls and generally doing what we would now recognize as stalking. I felt like his behavior could be used against me - I made bad decisions; I was hanging out with bad people - and they'd be in the position of having "told me so."
It sounds like you have a better relationship with your daughter than I had with my parents, but I'd still stick with resisting the impulse to complain about him yourself.
posted by FencingGal at 10:42 AM on January 21, 2023 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you have a better relationship with your daughter than I had with my parents, but I'd still stick with resisting the impulse to complain about him yourself.
posted by FencingGal at 10:42 AM on January 21, 2023 [2 favorites]
Honestly, when I went through my first breakup, I just wanted my parents to let me be alone.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:54 AM on January 21, 2023 [17 favorites]
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:54 AM on January 21, 2023 [17 favorites]
This is a get-back-on-the-bike situation. As hard as this is for her, it’s only going to get harder for her as she gets older and her relationships get more serious
Mm, I would say use your judgement whether this attitude is going to come out helpful in your particular young person's case, because in many it will not.
posted by away for regrooving at 10:59 AM on January 21, 2023 [10 favorites]
Mm, I would say use your judgement whether this attitude is going to come out helpful in your particular young person's case, because in many it will not.
posted by away for regrooving at 10:59 AM on January 21, 2023 [10 favorites]
Shoutout across the void to a college dorm mate who was basically my opposite in every way, but when I broke up with my first boyfriend after two years she was amazing. She literally put on a timer for twenty minutes, and told me to complain and moan about him for that solid chunk of time to her. And then she told me we would be eating ice cream, French fries, and watching an extremely stupid film featuring a hot guy.
She interjected with all the right noises while I complained, but, as she knew, I didn’t actually have twenty minutes of stuff to exclaim about, despite the breakup being really dramatic. She was like “look! We have almost ten minutes left, let’s go get curly fries” (notably, she was an aerobics instructor, and had previously espoused a love for the flavor and texture of steamed celery) and then when we got back she dug up a selection of truly horrendous films starring hot guys which apparently she had assembled before coming back to college for this exact purpose. So, having previously admitted that I thought Wolverine was hot, she put on Kate and Leopold, a lovely film that makes absolutely no sense if you think about it for more than thirty seconds. I nearly choked on my chunky monkey ice cream during the “rich, creamery butter” scene.
Seriously, I still have baggage about that shitty boyfriend, but I felt so much better about the breakup after that night. I was absolutely not friends with her; I literally forgot her name the year after I lived with her. But she was perfect for exactly this one situation. I don’t know if you can provide the same kind of concentrated “bitch and moan, indulge, distract, distance” plan of attack that she did, maybe she has a friend who can and you can provide funds, supplies, or a ride? But it was like, yes, this huge thing in my life has suddenly ended and I don’t know how to process it, but I was explicitly told to complain about everything and unleash it all for a set amount of time, then provided physical comforts and visual distraction, all while being reminded that there are people who will support me, people I might not have expected to be there. That this is a nearly universal category of experience, and it matters, and more often than not people will understand. And that I deserve ditzy hot guys and curly fries. It was super effective!
posted by Mizu at 11:11 AM on January 21, 2023 [38 favorites]
She interjected with all the right noises while I complained, but, as she knew, I didn’t actually have twenty minutes of stuff to exclaim about, despite the breakup being really dramatic. She was like “look! We have almost ten minutes left, let’s go get curly fries” (notably, she was an aerobics instructor, and had previously espoused a love for the flavor and texture of steamed celery) and then when we got back she dug up a selection of truly horrendous films starring hot guys which apparently she had assembled before coming back to college for this exact purpose. So, having previously admitted that I thought Wolverine was hot, she put on Kate and Leopold, a lovely film that makes absolutely no sense if you think about it for more than thirty seconds. I nearly choked on my chunky monkey ice cream during the “rich, creamery butter” scene.
Seriously, I still have baggage about that shitty boyfriend, but I felt so much better about the breakup after that night. I was absolutely not friends with her; I literally forgot her name the year after I lived with her. But she was perfect for exactly this one situation. I don’t know if you can provide the same kind of concentrated “bitch and moan, indulge, distract, distance” plan of attack that she did, maybe she has a friend who can and you can provide funds, supplies, or a ride? But it was like, yes, this huge thing in my life has suddenly ended and I don’t know how to process it, but I was explicitly told to complain about everything and unleash it all for a set amount of time, then provided physical comforts and visual distraction, all while being reminded that there are people who will support me, people I might not have expected to be there. That this is a nearly universal category of experience, and it matters, and more often than not people will understand. And that I deserve ditzy hot guys and curly fries. It was super effective!
posted by Mizu at 11:11 AM on January 21, 2023 [38 favorites]
Best answer: During my first breakup my mom told me that it a breakup is a great time to get a new hobby that gets you out of the house. She was right and that advice has served me so well.
posted by twelve cent archie at 11:34 AM on January 21, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by twelve cent archie at 11:34 AM on January 21, 2023 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I think a combo of (short) feelings dumps with you making supportive noises (but not saying much) and being brought back into the gentle activities showing that she can always land at home. She will need to fill some of her new time with something and family activities are a good safe start.
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 12:09 PM on January 21, 2023
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 12:09 PM on January 21, 2023
I would just tell her how proud you are of her for having such a big heart, for knowing how to truly love and how to grieve true love, and for learning how to let beautiful things that are ending do that so that other and new beautiful things can grow. For example, herself and her beautiful loving heart. And then tell her again how proud you are of her.
posted by desert exile at 12:32 PM on January 21, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by desert exile at 12:32 PM on January 21, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I was your daughter. My first real boyfriend at 16 broke up with me by leaving a note on my door (it was the 90s) that cited the lyrics of one of my favorite songs (I still get a sting when I hear it) and I WAS DEVASTATED. I don't feel like my mom had ever experienced that level of hurt (yay for her) so she wasn't much help except to let me mope (and mope) but not let me so slide out of responsibilities that I was in danger of failing, etc.
In hindsight what I wished she had said was, it WILL get better and you WILL get better. This guy's opinion of you (that I was too clingy) is just an opinion and not an actual reflection of who you are. Don't internalize it and don't pathologize it. Focus on what makes you happy and fulfilled.
Avoid saying: I knew you could do better (that one came with the second boyfriend) or I knew he wasn't right for you. Not helpful at all.
In your shoes, I would tell your daughter how proud I was of her that she listened to HER needs and decided that this guy was no longer good for her. Validate her choice to not put up with bad behavior and normalize this. So many women don't ever get this message.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 2:56 PM on January 21, 2023 [4 favorites]
In hindsight what I wished she had said was, it WILL get better and you WILL get better. This guy's opinion of you (that I was too clingy) is just an opinion and not an actual reflection of who you are. Don't internalize it and don't pathologize it. Focus on what makes you happy and fulfilled.
Avoid saying: I knew you could do better (that one came with the second boyfriend) or I knew he wasn't right for you. Not helpful at all.
In your shoes, I would tell your daughter how proud I was of her that she listened to HER needs and decided that this guy was no longer good for her. Validate her choice to not put up with bad behavior and normalize this. So many women don't ever get this message.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 2:56 PM on January 21, 2023 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I broke up with my first love 25 years ago because he wasn’t treating me well anymore. I’ve been married to the live of my life for most of the time since then and yeah, that was the right decision and yeah it was the hardest thing to do and more than half my life later it still takes up emotional space.
I was living at home but did not at all want my parents involved. Looking back as a middle aged person, I would still not want them to have been involved. This is a pretty adult thing happening to a kid and I’d want to let her know I was available and also deal with it in my own adolescent way.
posted by OrangeVelour at 3:21 PM on January 21, 2023 [3 favorites]
I was living at home but did not at all want my parents involved. Looking back as a middle aged person, I would still not want them to have been involved. This is a pretty adult thing happening to a kid and I’d want to let her know I was available and also deal with it in my own adolescent way.
posted by OrangeVelour at 3:21 PM on January 21, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'm a different gender and in my 40s, so it's been a while. . . but, the thing I would have most wanted at the time would have been to be left alone as much as possible. You sound kind and thoughtful and absolutely awesome as a parent. But, some things you don't really want to share with a parent, or anybody else. I have no idea if this applies to your kid. I still find myself telling my mom to fuck off. I'm better at doing it politely and with conviction now.
posted by eotvos at 5:30 PM on January 21, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by eotvos at 5:30 PM on January 21, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It sounds like you're already doing great, as others have already said. You're taking her feelings as seriously as you would an adult friend who ended a years' long relationship. This is something that she will survive, of course, but now is not the time to minimize and tell her that she should not be hurting. (There's plenty of time to have the "get back on the bike" conversation if she's not starting to move on in a few months.) You haven't done what my mom did after my first breakup, which was ask me why I had been "so picky" and let go of "such a nice boy," because "they don't come along every day." In fact, you've raised a great kid who knows her own worth and won't put up with putdowns and nastiness. That is something she will carry with her for her whole life.
One piece of advice I got from an older, wiser friend after that breakup was to make a list of all the things that I loved to do but hadn't done much either because I was devoting time to the relationship, or because the guy didn't enjoy them, or I thought he wouldn't enjoy them. Then I started bringing them back into my life one by one. I've used this approach to coping with various breakups over the years and it has always helped me move on. You can also help facilitate that in practical way, say by helping her with some cash to take an art class, or taking a mother-daughter trip to someplace she wouldn't have gone with the boyfriend.
posted by rpfields at 10:42 AM on January 22, 2023
One piece of advice I got from an older, wiser friend after that breakup was to make a list of all the things that I loved to do but hadn't done much either because I was devoting time to the relationship, or because the guy didn't enjoy them, or I thought he wouldn't enjoy them. Then I started bringing them back into my life one by one. I've used this approach to coping with various breakups over the years and it has always helped me move on. You can also help facilitate that in practical way, say by helping her with some cash to take an art class, or taking a mother-daughter trip to someplace she wouldn't have gone with the boyfriend.
posted by rpfields at 10:42 AM on January 22, 2023
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I would suggest just doing stuff with her with the understanding she may well cry through it and that's OK. Whatever you two do: hikes, lunch out, ice cream outings, shopping, gaming, whatever. Build-A-Bear is honestly so dumb and therapeutic for anyone who likes to cuddle. Snacks in bed, time to be so sad, all of that is so good.
But I think you are doing a huge service to her already by recognising the validity of her heartbreak and asking how to help her instead of just assuming she'll get over it. Validating her reasons is also really supportive.
FYI it took me a sold year to stop crying in every place we had ever been and people were exhausted by me but that's just how long it took, I needed to live through all of the first X without boyfriend to get to being okay.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:37 AM on January 21, 2023 [22 favorites]