Coping strategies for giving much, getting little?
January 9, 2023 7:32 PM Subscribe
Happy 2023! As part of this year's goals, I'm aiming to be authentic with myself, really unpacking why I've struggled so many years, and trying to get a fresh start. That, and continuing therapy. One particular thing I really struggle with is that I give so much to people, and get little in return. I'm continually disappointed. I acknowledge I often set myself up for failure, and want help devising strategies in breaking that pattern.
It's been a pattern for many years now—since high school at the very least. I've always felt neglected/ignored/not good enough; mainly because I was bullied in school (and it was a residential school 3 hours away from home, so that didn't help me feel safe at all), and because my family was super strict and didn't really give me the tools I needed to succeed socially. They focused on the negative, were very critical and hard on me, didn't really allow me to make mistakes, and weren't super loving or nurturing beyond basic needs. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but those are issues I acknowledge are true.
So, I suspect as a coping/trauma reaction, I grew up (and to a degree, still do) doing a lot for my friends to please them and get their "approval". Such examples include showering them with affirmations, love, throwback photos, birthday gifts, treating them to dinner randomly, checking in texts periodically, that kind of thing. I'm always super responsive to texts, and quick to say yes to get-togethers. I do this because I think in the back of my mind (trauma response) if I just sit back and do nothing, they'll quickly forget about me and move ahead. This has been going on for years now, and I'm starting to notice the pattern and piece them together. I do notice that if I don't do anything/reach out, then it's not often I get an active interest. In other words, I'd say I do about 80-85% of the prompting in my friendships (plans to get together, etc). It makes me question myself and wonder if people really love me, or if they're just stringing me along. I want to feel actively wanted/liked/loved, and I do to a degree, but sometimes I don't.
It's a perfect vehicle for failure because when people are lukewarm, don't show back the same interest/excitement level I do, I get hurt and I take it personally. I feel unloved, underappreciated, and ignored. It takes me back to when I was cleaning up at home and didn't get shown appreciation or positive affirmations, or was even scolded for not doing things right. It takes me back to when my parents used to get mad when I accidentally dropped something, even without breakage, and call me a klutz. It takes me back to when I used to sit alone all the time at my middle school cafeteria table, and when I was insulted because of my ear. It makes me wonder why I'm not enough. You might have seen those themes in my past questions.
Unfortunately, I still do it after so many years. I think at this point, it's a coping "legacy" tool, and one of my goals this year is to finally break away from my people-pleasing tendencies. I kind of feel "set in my ways", though, and I'm afraid if I back away, I'll be more lonely with less plans, etc. I do believe my displays of affirmations/love to my friends are genuine, but sometimes I feel super fiery compared to most other people, so it makes me question myself. Most of the time, I know my friends love me and all, but those doubts are fleeting and come/go, if that makes any sense.
Right now, in therapy, I'm mostly focused on unpacking my family issues, so I figured I'd come to the green and ask for advice on how to break away from this unhealthy pattern and stop setting myself up for failure. Perhaps reframing tools would also be helpful, if you have it at your disposal. I figured, during this new year/month and introspection, I'd put in words what I've been analyzing of myself and ask for suggestions, as part of my goal to really work on myself.
Thanks!
It's been a pattern for many years now—since high school at the very least. I've always felt neglected/ignored/not good enough; mainly because I was bullied in school (and it was a residential school 3 hours away from home, so that didn't help me feel safe at all), and because my family was super strict and didn't really give me the tools I needed to succeed socially. They focused on the negative, were very critical and hard on me, didn't really allow me to make mistakes, and weren't super loving or nurturing beyond basic needs. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but those are issues I acknowledge are true.
So, I suspect as a coping/trauma reaction, I grew up (and to a degree, still do) doing a lot for my friends to please them and get their "approval". Such examples include showering them with affirmations, love, throwback photos, birthday gifts, treating them to dinner randomly, checking in texts periodically, that kind of thing. I'm always super responsive to texts, and quick to say yes to get-togethers. I do this because I think in the back of my mind (trauma response) if I just sit back and do nothing, they'll quickly forget about me and move ahead. This has been going on for years now, and I'm starting to notice the pattern and piece them together. I do notice that if I don't do anything/reach out, then it's not often I get an active interest. In other words, I'd say I do about 80-85% of the prompting in my friendships (plans to get together, etc). It makes me question myself and wonder if people really love me, or if they're just stringing me along. I want to feel actively wanted/liked/loved, and I do to a degree, but sometimes I don't.
It's a perfect vehicle for failure because when people are lukewarm, don't show back the same interest/excitement level I do, I get hurt and I take it personally. I feel unloved, underappreciated, and ignored. It takes me back to when I was cleaning up at home and didn't get shown appreciation or positive affirmations, or was even scolded for not doing things right. It takes me back to when my parents used to get mad when I accidentally dropped something, even without breakage, and call me a klutz. It takes me back to when I used to sit alone all the time at my middle school cafeteria table, and when I was insulted because of my ear. It makes me wonder why I'm not enough. You might have seen those themes in my past questions.
Unfortunately, I still do it after so many years. I think at this point, it's a coping "legacy" tool, and one of my goals this year is to finally break away from my people-pleasing tendencies. I kind of feel "set in my ways", though, and I'm afraid if I back away, I'll be more lonely with less plans, etc. I do believe my displays of affirmations/love to my friends are genuine, but sometimes I feel super fiery compared to most other people, so it makes me question myself. Most of the time, I know my friends love me and all, but those doubts are fleeting and come/go, if that makes any sense.
Right now, in therapy, I'm mostly focused on unpacking my family issues, so I figured I'd come to the green and ask for advice on how to break away from this unhealthy pattern and stop setting myself up for failure. Perhaps reframing tools would also be helpful, if you have it at your disposal. I figured, during this new year/month and introspection, I'd put in words what I've been analyzing of myself and ask for suggestions, as part of my goal to really work on myself.
Thanks!
Hi! Have you tried mindfulness meditation? It’s not for everyone but it has really helped me with the clarity of my thoughts and some Big Feelings. It’s not magic, but maybe it could be part of the mix. I like the app 10 Percent Happier; it helped me get started.
There’s so much value in stepping outside yourself to see the bigger picture. It sounds like you’re taking steps on that path! A lot of us are pulling for you.
posted by fruitslinger at 7:56 PM on January 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
There’s so much value in stepping outside yourself to see the bigger picture. It sounds like you’re taking steps on that path! A lot of us are pulling for you.
posted by fruitslinger at 7:56 PM on January 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
I wonder if your expectations of what a friendship looks like are accurate. I think you have a sense that lots of people have friendships that are very close, high-effort and high-reward, and fulfill each other's insecurities again and again and put in frequent effort. So when you don't get that level of investment from others, you take it really personally.
For me - that's not what my friendships look like. I get most of my social interaction from the people I work with, and the people I live with. Once I love and trust someone, I don't actually need to see them that often, we just have a real hangout or long convo like once a year, maybe even less, and then have a few text exchanges. Very few sources of drama, just some mild pleasant stuff with very infrequent (but lovely) moments of deeper connection. Plus a lot of my friends have kids under age 12 who need supervision all the time, which is both exhausting and fulfulling, so it dampens the hunger to go out, and also just means fewer times you CAN go out.
Actually when you say boarding school, I wonder if that created an unrealistic expectation for you. I'm imagining that the students were away from their families of origin, and finally in an environment where they had true language immersion, plus, you were all kids / teens - so the friendships you experienced and observed at boarding school were probably super deep and intense and intimate - maybe more like family, or maybe even toxic closeness in some cases. Same thing perhaps on graduation, emerging into a close-knit community with a distinct culture. Maybe that set up an expectation that friendships should be a huge part of everyone's world. I think the older we all get, often the less that's the case.
If I was your friend I bet you'd feel abandoned or like I was ghosting you, but I'm just a combination of busy, tired, a bit of a homebody, not comfortable with public socializing during the pandemic, and I don't think my bday is that big a deal. I get a lot of social time and physical touch in my living situation, so I don't really crave social energy from others.
So... to me it seems like you have very high expectations of what a friendship looks like - your style of friendship actually sounds more like a new dating relationship in some ways, with "dates" and dinners and lots of effort invested - and I think that can lead to disappointment because a lot of other people just don't have that level of social hunger. Doesn't mean it's a problem with you!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:43 PM on January 9, 2023 [43 favorites]
For me - that's not what my friendships look like. I get most of my social interaction from the people I work with, and the people I live with. Once I love and trust someone, I don't actually need to see them that often, we just have a real hangout or long convo like once a year, maybe even less, and then have a few text exchanges. Very few sources of drama, just some mild pleasant stuff with very infrequent (but lovely) moments of deeper connection. Plus a lot of my friends have kids under age 12 who need supervision all the time, which is both exhausting and fulfulling, so it dampens the hunger to go out, and also just means fewer times you CAN go out.
Actually when you say boarding school, I wonder if that created an unrealistic expectation for you. I'm imagining that the students were away from their families of origin, and finally in an environment where they had true language immersion, plus, you were all kids / teens - so the friendships you experienced and observed at boarding school were probably super deep and intense and intimate - maybe more like family, or maybe even toxic closeness in some cases. Same thing perhaps on graduation, emerging into a close-knit community with a distinct culture. Maybe that set up an expectation that friendships should be a huge part of everyone's world. I think the older we all get, often the less that's the case.
If I was your friend I bet you'd feel abandoned or like I was ghosting you, but I'm just a combination of busy, tired, a bit of a homebody, not comfortable with public socializing during the pandemic, and I don't think my bday is that big a deal. I get a lot of social time and physical touch in my living situation, so I don't really crave social energy from others.
So... to me it seems like you have very high expectations of what a friendship looks like - your style of friendship actually sounds more like a new dating relationship in some ways, with "dates" and dinners and lots of effort invested - and I think that can lead to disappointment because a lot of other people just don't have that level of social hunger. Doesn't mean it's a problem with you!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:43 PM on January 9, 2023 [43 favorites]
Maybe frame it as: What if they didn't love me? They don't have to love me. I can't make another person love me.
This is how I think about all people in my life, from my husband to my kids to my friends. They can love me if they want to. I can love them, and I can be loving, but I can't expect love in return. I'm not in control of people's feelings or emotions. You're still okay if people do not reciprocate. Some people who feel unloveable give too much -- with an agenda -- and that causes people to move away.
You know what happened in your past to form your behavior patterns or reactions, and now you can let that story go. It happened but it's not happening now. Your parents did the best they could with what they knew and your classmates aren't bullying you now. That's over and you've learned a lot about yourself. You can respond differently.
Friendships in adulthood are usually low-key. There was more passion in friendships in our youth. We spent a lot of time together -- days ran into nights and we were bonded and shared everything. In adulthood we might get together for an outing once or twice a month and comment on social media. That's how it goes for many adults and if you have more you're lucky. Frame it as gratitude for your friends and allow them to be who they are and respond how they will. You don't need their love in order to be whole. If you get it it's a beautiful thing. You can walk alongside them on your own two feet.
posted by loveandhappiness at 9:47 PM on January 9, 2023 [8 favorites]
This is how I think about all people in my life, from my husband to my kids to my friends. They can love me if they want to. I can love them, and I can be loving, but I can't expect love in return. I'm not in control of people's feelings or emotions. You're still okay if people do not reciprocate. Some people who feel unloveable give too much -- with an agenda -- and that causes people to move away.
You know what happened in your past to form your behavior patterns or reactions, and now you can let that story go. It happened but it's not happening now. Your parents did the best they could with what they knew and your classmates aren't bullying you now. That's over and you've learned a lot about yourself. You can respond differently.
Friendships in adulthood are usually low-key. There was more passion in friendships in our youth. We spent a lot of time together -- days ran into nights and we were bonded and shared everything. In adulthood we might get together for an outing once or twice a month and comment on social media. That's how it goes for many adults and if you have more you're lucky. Frame it as gratitude for your friends and allow them to be who they are and respond how they will. You don't need their love in order to be whole. If you get it it's a beautiful thing. You can walk alongside them on your own two feet.
posted by loveandhappiness at 9:47 PM on January 9, 2023 [8 favorites]
Friendships in adulthood are usually low-key
...which means, among other things, that you might need to actively develop other sources of contentment or satisfaction or validation to fill the void. Do you have any interests or hobbies? Have you tried volunteering? A lot of times people recommend these things as ways of meeting people, which isn't bad (when friends can't spend much time on you, one strategy is to make a lot more friends). But for you, it would be wise to start doing things that help fill your life in and of themselves, not because of any personal connections they may (and often may not) lead to. If takes time, but you can build up a life that doesn't depend quite so deeply on receiving validation from others for meaning.
posted by trig at 11:58 PM on January 9, 2023 [8 favorites]
...which means, among other things, that you might need to actively develop other sources of contentment or satisfaction or validation to fill the void. Do you have any interests or hobbies? Have you tried volunteering? A lot of times people recommend these things as ways of meeting people, which isn't bad (when friends can't spend much time on you, one strategy is to make a lot more friends). But for you, it would be wise to start doing things that help fill your life in and of themselves, not because of any personal connections they may (and often may not) lead to. If takes time, but you can build up a life that doesn't depend quite so deeply on receiving validation from others for meaning.
posted by trig at 11:58 PM on January 9, 2023 [8 favorites]
I would say, most people are kinda lazy! And if you think about it, your own extreme high levels of effort are coming from a place of insecurity and trauma, not from spontaneous feelings of goodwill that you just have to express. So if your friends were matching that level, it would probably also require them to be anxious and panicky about the relationship - not something you'd want for them any more than you want it for yourself. I'd do a little soul searching and say, how do you start teaching yourself that your friendships are still there even when you aren't touching them all the time?
posted by Lady Li at 1:53 AM on January 10, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by Lady Li at 1:53 AM on January 10, 2023 [11 favorites]
Oh, and one caveat to be careful of. In friendships where one person usually does most of the initiating, sometimes friends will figure if you've stopped initiating it's because you're too busy and don't have any time and so will hang back out of consideration for how busy you seem to be. If you can tell one or two close friends that you may not have so much energy to be the organizer over the next few months but you'd still love to see them and chat whenever they have the time, it may help.
posted by Lady Li at 1:55 AM on January 10, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by Lady Li at 1:55 AM on January 10, 2023 [8 favorites]
I have long, deep friendships of several decades. My friends are family.
But starting in our thirties, and especially in our forties, we're just not in one another's daily lives as much.
We aren't all fancy free in the city having happy hour at the drop of a hat, we have kids and mortgages and chronic illnesses, we're just blessed tired.
But if I'm having surgery I'll get text check ins, a friend will offer to drive me, a neighbor will ask if I need help with child care.
If someone is having a cookout we'll do our best to go, but sometimes friendship looks like "hey this meme made me think of you."
Friendship isn't a vending machine where you plug in effort quarters and a connection soda clonks out. It's a blanket, it keeps you warm, but at some times in life things get a bit frayed and patchy.
posted by champers at 3:05 AM on January 10, 2023 [10 favorites]
But starting in our thirties, and especially in our forties, we're just not in one another's daily lives as much.
We aren't all fancy free in the city having happy hour at the drop of a hat, we have kids and mortgages and chronic illnesses, we're just blessed tired.
But if I'm having surgery I'll get text check ins, a friend will offer to drive me, a neighbor will ask if I need help with child care.
If someone is having a cookout we'll do our best to go, but sometimes friendship looks like "hey this meme made me think of you."
Friendship isn't a vending machine where you plug in effort quarters and a connection soda clonks out. It's a blanket, it keeps you warm, but at some times in life things get a bit frayed and patchy.
posted by champers at 3:05 AM on January 10, 2023 [10 favorites]
It makes me question myself and wonder if people really love me, or if they're just stringing me along. I want to feel actively wanted/liked/loved, and I do to a degree, but sometimes I don't.
This is super binary thinking. Either people are being friends the way you want, or they are actively stringing you along. You don’t seem to give your friends leeway for being…human. This is the opposite of being people pleasing; it’s narcissistic in the sense that it is all focused around how they make you feel and whether they make you feel specifically like you are Winning At Friendship. I think the way you’re framing your project is a bit off.
What if you dropped the scorekeeping? Because right now it sounds like when you stop your unusually high levels of interaction, you’re just - sitting there tracking how long it will be before someone reaches out. Neither of these full on/totally off things are about a relationship with that person, they are about your Scoreboard.
What if you a) filled your time with a few pursuits other than friends and b) saw your friends when it works out for them and for you, whether that’s once a week, month, or quarterly, and didn’t try to figure out What It All Means.
I too was bullied and my coping mechanism is that I am often super busy - today I am drinking coffee before I make breakfast, lunches, and slow cooker dinner, double check homework, drop my kids off, read for a literary contest for an hour at Starbucks with my free drink, go to work, drop off the clothing and food that is sitting in my car waiting to be donated that my neighbours collected, stop in at one of my work sites to check in, pick up a child at his activity, drop him off and make sure he and his sibling and my MIL are eating, maaaybe get a bowl of curry, and then take a three hour evening class. With yes, a friend.
BY THE WAY, it’s my birthday. (We celebrated Sunday evening because my entire week is like this. I also have two loads of laundry to fold. My husband has a weird schedule so his day started at 5 am and he’ll get home an home after my class starts.)
posted by warriorqueen at 3:48 AM on January 10, 2023 [14 favorites]
This is super binary thinking. Either people are being friends the way you want, or they are actively stringing you along. You don’t seem to give your friends leeway for being…human. This is the opposite of being people pleasing; it’s narcissistic in the sense that it is all focused around how they make you feel and whether they make you feel specifically like you are Winning At Friendship. I think the way you’re framing your project is a bit off.
What if you dropped the scorekeeping? Because right now it sounds like when you stop your unusually high levels of interaction, you’re just - sitting there tracking how long it will be before someone reaches out. Neither of these full on/totally off things are about a relationship with that person, they are about your Scoreboard.
What if you a) filled your time with a few pursuits other than friends and b) saw your friends when it works out for them and for you, whether that’s once a week, month, or quarterly, and didn’t try to figure out What It All Means.
I too was bullied and my coping mechanism is that I am often super busy - today I am drinking coffee before I make breakfast, lunches, and slow cooker dinner, double check homework, drop my kids off, read for a literary contest for an hour at Starbucks with my free drink, go to work, drop off the clothing and food that is sitting in my car waiting to be donated that my neighbours collected, stop in at one of my work sites to check in, pick up a child at his activity, drop him off and make sure he and his sibling and my MIL are eating, maaaybe get a bowl of curry, and then take a three hour evening class. With yes, a friend.
BY THE WAY, it’s my birthday. (We celebrated Sunday evening because my entire week is like this. I also have two loads of laundry to fold. My husband has a weird schedule so his day started at 5 am and he’ll get home an home after my class starts.)
posted by warriorqueen at 3:48 AM on January 10, 2023 [14 favorites]
Have you read Attached, or any other work about attachment theory? It might help you identify some ideas worth exploring about how you view, form, react to, relationships (etc.). Here's an article that expands on this a bit.
You might also get some illumination out of a self-directed tool like a therapy workbook. This one was pretty pivotal for me. I don't mean that to suggest that it solved my problems, but it certainly gave me insights that were resonant, strategies that are relevant, and very broadly speaking a renewed focus on the agency I have over my life as opposed to yielding to the feeling of being pulled here and there by other people (and my expectations of them).
In short, I think that workbook might be a help to you in that it can help you orient your decision-making so that it's in service of moving you closer to relationships and values that you hold dear, and that fill your life with meaning. The author has plenty of free material on YouTube and in podcasts, too, if you're not already familiar.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:01 AM on January 10, 2023 [5 favorites]
You might also get some illumination out of a self-directed tool like a therapy workbook. This one was pretty pivotal for me. I don't mean that to suggest that it solved my problems, but it certainly gave me insights that were resonant, strategies that are relevant, and very broadly speaking a renewed focus on the agency I have over my life as opposed to yielding to the feeling of being pulled here and there by other people (and my expectations of them).
In short, I think that workbook might be a help to you in that it can help you orient your decision-making so that it's in service of moving you closer to relationships and values that you hold dear, and that fill your life with meaning. The author has plenty of free material on YouTube and in podcasts, too, if you're not already familiar.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:01 AM on January 10, 2023 [5 favorites]
I'm 54 and have had similar issues all of my life. Over Thanksgiving, I listened to the audio version of The Courage to Be Disliked. It seemed a little out there at first, but I gave it a chance. I got enough out of it that I listened to it a second time. Then a third. Then I bought it on Kindle so that I could highlight and take notes.
I won't say the book cured me — I have 54 years of learned behavior to unlearn — but at the very least it opened my eyes to more productive behaviors. As a result, I've experienced a damn fine six weeks, six weeks in which I'm much less focused on pleasing others and more focused on being myself and doing what brings me joy.
Your mileage may vary, of course, but you should at least check it out.
posted by jdroth at 8:34 AM on January 10, 2023 [6 favorites]
I won't say the book cured me — I have 54 years of learned behavior to unlearn — but at the very least it opened my eyes to more productive behaviors. As a result, I've experienced a damn fine six weeks, six weeks in which I'm much less focused on pleasing others and more focused on being myself and doing what brings me joy.
Your mileage may vary, of course, but you should at least check it out.
posted by jdroth at 8:34 AM on January 10, 2023 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: A late update, I know—this week swept me up.
I've ordered The Courage to Be Disliked, thanks @jdroth.
And yes, I acknowledge my way of thinking can be binary and black/white at times. That's also something I'm wanting to work on this year.
Thanks, everyone—some great advice and suggestions here.
posted by dubious_dude at 8:09 PM on January 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
I've ordered The Courage to Be Disliked, thanks @jdroth.
And yes, I acknowledge my way of thinking can be binary and black/white at times. That's also something I'm wanting to work on this year.
Thanks, everyone—some great advice and suggestions here.
posted by dubious_dude at 8:09 PM on January 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
Sorry for the late response. Congrats on the hard work you're doing on yourself and wanting to change your patterns. I've followed your questions and there's a lot about your posts that reminds me of me and my own past dysfunctional patterns. So I hope my insights can help you.
I think you have to deal with your shame, which is a result of the trauma you experienced in your family and with bullies. You didn't get support and validation for who you *are,* so you look to other people to give you "evidence" that you are worthy, lovable, etc. This is too much to ask of people; you need to give yourself that validation. You don't feel good enough as you are, so you project that onto others - the actions they do end up not being good enough for you, ironically. It makes you wanting more from them, and you may come off as needy and desperate (even if you don't think you are. FYI I do get a needy and desperate vibe from you but I'm not saying that you are a bad person for this, and this is something you can change. Shame WILL tell you you are a bad, worthless person and that you can't change, this is who you are. This is what you need to disrupt).
In looking to your friends for approval or evidence that you are worthy, it's a kind of manipulation. It's not an intentional or malicious one, but it's still a type of manipulation. Like "I do all this stuff for you and I get nothing in return." Even if you never say those words to people, they can probably feel it, even subconsciously. You are doing things because you want something out of people - this is why you're disappointed and whatever people do is never going to be enough for you. You're not giving these things freely and with no strings attached. You're expecting something in return, and for them to do it without you saying "hey I got you this gift, can you do the same for me?" and that's not fair to people. When they don't do unto you as you have done to them, this confirms the feelings of shame and not good enough that you already have about yourself. Only you can break that cycle. Do you truly value people *as they are*, or what they can do for you? I suspect it's a bit of both. Like you can value someone because they're an amazing person, but as soon as they don't reach out, or get you a gift because you did those things for them, you feel hurt and disappointed.
>I do believe my displays of affirmations/love to my friends are genuine, but sometimes I feel super fiery compared to most other people, so it makes me question myself.
I think a good example of this is with your friends who had a baby in the summer. I remember you being VERY effusive with your love and appreciation for them, but at the time, I felt like you were being over the top and you were doing it to get them to say similar words of appreciation, and you wanted them to want to spend time with you. Again, ask yourself, do you value them as people? Are they great people to be around, or are you only looking at them for what they can do for you? Do you like them because they they're fun to be around, you have great conversations, etc. or do you feel you like them because they're willing to spend time with you?
I recently went to a seminar where the speaker was queer and talked about love and chosen family. They'd been through a lot of abuse from family and in school, had a lot of trauma and mental health diagnoses. I really liked their way of approaching friendships/relationships - they would actually give a person a survey or questionnaire and ask them what kind of relationship do we have? Are we friends? Texting buddies? Lovers? Friends with benefits? Romantic partners? How often are we going to interact with each other? I really liked it because it was super clear and set expectations. I'm not saying you need to do this, but maybe do it in your head - who are the friends that, for e.g. you can have long rambling conversations with and then only hear from every couple of months? Who are the friends who will send you a text every now and again? Who are the friends who love to go to the movies with you? Every friend will have their own likes, dislikes preferences in what they like doing and that will inform the friendship that they have with you. Pay attention to who your friends are and how they are and then accept them. Who and how they are is less a reflection of YOU (get rid of thinking "If they really liked/loved me they would do this") and a reflection of them as people and the relationship between the two of you. With my friends, some people I only talk about piano with. Some friends I can talk about piano and trauma. :D Some friends I text with once in a while. Some friends I'm the one who has to get us together otherwise it never happens lol. Yet when we do get together it's all love and joy. I accept them for who they are!
Similarly your friends might think, "OP likes to give gifts and I really appreciate that" BUT it doesn't obligate them to get you a gift in return. Some people don't like giving gifts! If they don't get you something it doesn't mean they don't love or appreciate you.
So this is what you have to do: accept people for who they are. More importantly, accept yourself for who you are. People like people who are comfortable with themselves and who are easy to be around. Appreciate whatever your friends give you. I think the real test is when you have a crisis - I've seen it lots in advice forums where say, you have an illness, or a parent dies, or you lost your job, or you're breaking up with an abusive partner - some friends disappear, and some rise to the occasion. Sometimes you can't tell who's who until it happens, unfortunately. When it happens, definitely cherish the friends that were there for you and let the ones who disappeared, go. They've already disappeared anyway.
Tl;dr: Work on your shame. Write out the shame you feel, and what you feel ashamed about. Ask yourself if it's worth feeling ashamed about this. Write out what you value about yourself. Accept that you *are* good enough. When you can do that, you'll be able to accept your friends and see what they do as good enough for you too.
posted by foxjacket at 10:31 PM on January 19, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think you have to deal with your shame, which is a result of the trauma you experienced in your family and with bullies. You didn't get support and validation for who you *are,* so you look to other people to give you "evidence" that you are worthy, lovable, etc. This is too much to ask of people; you need to give yourself that validation. You don't feel good enough as you are, so you project that onto others - the actions they do end up not being good enough for you, ironically. It makes you wanting more from them, and you may come off as needy and desperate (even if you don't think you are. FYI I do get a needy and desperate vibe from you but I'm not saying that you are a bad person for this, and this is something you can change. Shame WILL tell you you are a bad, worthless person and that you can't change, this is who you are. This is what you need to disrupt).
In looking to your friends for approval or evidence that you are worthy, it's a kind of manipulation. It's not an intentional or malicious one, but it's still a type of manipulation. Like "I do all this stuff for you and I get nothing in return." Even if you never say those words to people, they can probably feel it, even subconsciously. You are doing things because you want something out of people - this is why you're disappointed and whatever people do is never going to be enough for you. You're not giving these things freely and with no strings attached. You're expecting something in return, and for them to do it without you saying "hey I got you this gift, can you do the same for me?" and that's not fair to people. When they don't do unto you as you have done to them, this confirms the feelings of shame and not good enough that you already have about yourself. Only you can break that cycle. Do you truly value people *as they are*, or what they can do for you? I suspect it's a bit of both. Like you can value someone because they're an amazing person, but as soon as they don't reach out, or get you a gift because you did those things for them, you feel hurt and disappointed.
>I do believe my displays of affirmations/love to my friends are genuine, but sometimes I feel super fiery compared to most other people, so it makes me question myself.
I think a good example of this is with your friends who had a baby in the summer. I remember you being VERY effusive with your love and appreciation for them, but at the time, I felt like you were being over the top and you were doing it to get them to say similar words of appreciation, and you wanted them to want to spend time with you. Again, ask yourself, do you value them as people? Are they great people to be around, or are you only looking at them for what they can do for you? Do you like them because they they're fun to be around, you have great conversations, etc. or do you feel you like them because they're willing to spend time with you?
I recently went to a seminar where the speaker was queer and talked about love and chosen family. They'd been through a lot of abuse from family and in school, had a lot of trauma and mental health diagnoses. I really liked their way of approaching friendships/relationships - they would actually give a person a survey or questionnaire and ask them what kind of relationship do we have? Are we friends? Texting buddies? Lovers? Friends with benefits? Romantic partners? How often are we going to interact with each other? I really liked it because it was super clear and set expectations. I'm not saying you need to do this, but maybe do it in your head - who are the friends that, for e.g. you can have long rambling conversations with and then only hear from every couple of months? Who are the friends who will send you a text every now and again? Who are the friends who love to go to the movies with you? Every friend will have their own likes, dislikes preferences in what they like doing and that will inform the friendship that they have with you. Pay attention to who your friends are and how they are and then accept them. Who and how they are is less a reflection of YOU (get rid of thinking "If they really liked/loved me they would do this") and a reflection of them as people and the relationship between the two of you. With my friends, some people I only talk about piano with. Some friends I can talk about piano and trauma. :D Some friends I text with once in a while. Some friends I'm the one who has to get us together otherwise it never happens lol. Yet when we do get together it's all love and joy. I accept them for who they are!
Similarly your friends might think, "OP likes to give gifts and I really appreciate that" BUT it doesn't obligate them to get you a gift in return. Some people don't like giving gifts! If they don't get you something it doesn't mean they don't love or appreciate you.
So this is what you have to do: accept people for who they are. More importantly, accept yourself for who you are. People like people who are comfortable with themselves and who are easy to be around. Appreciate whatever your friends give you. I think the real test is when you have a crisis - I've seen it lots in advice forums where say, you have an illness, or a parent dies, or you lost your job, or you're breaking up with an abusive partner - some friends disappear, and some rise to the occasion. Sometimes you can't tell who's who until it happens, unfortunately. When it happens, definitely cherish the friends that were there for you and let the ones who disappeared, go. They've already disappeared anyway.
Tl;dr: Work on your shame. Write out the shame you feel, and what you feel ashamed about. Ask yourself if it's worth feeling ashamed about this. Write out what you value about yourself. Accept that you *are* good enough. When you can do that, you'll be able to accept your friends and see what they do as good enough for you too.
posted by foxjacket at 10:31 PM on January 19, 2023 [1 favorite]
Show your therapist your question history here. She/he/they will get a good look at how these problems affect you day to day.
In the meantime can you think of one tiny thing you could do to be more flexible in your friendships?
posted by mermaidcafe at 1:45 PM on January 21, 2023
In the meantime can you think of one tiny thing you could do to be more flexible in your friendships?
posted by mermaidcafe at 1:45 PM on January 21, 2023
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by saturdaymornings at 7:47 PM on January 9, 2023 [43 favorites]