Processing Suppressed Grief in Wake of Horrible News
January 20, 2023 6:15 AM Subscribe
CW: loss of a pregnancy and an infant
Yesterday morning I received word that my boss lose her newborn son within a few hours of birth due to a lung infection that developed during labor. He was her first child, and deeply wanted, and everyone at our company is in mourning. Everyone is processing grief in their own ways, but what has come up for me are the shadowy shame-filled memories of the time when I may have been pregnant and may have lost the baby at 14 weeks.
I say "may" because my memory during that period is almost completely grayed out, and when I try to solidify the events surrounding it, all I do remember is the night I think I conceived, and the week I think the miscarriage occurred. I do not remember if I ever had a positive pregnancy test, I do not think I ever went to a doctor for help, but I do remember being deeply at odds with my body and feeling like something alien had taken root. The circumstances that led to this fuge state were devastating (the boyfriend I had reconnected with turned a joyous reconciliation into a one night stand and I never heard from him again.) I have a great deal of shame about not knowing for sure, and I feel very conflicted about saying that it happened, especially to others but also to myself. All I know is that something terrible happened, and I have not been the same since.
This mismatch of memories has made it difficult for me to process anything related to pregnancy. As soon as I got off the phone with the people who let me know the bad news yesterday, I went and threw up and my stomach started cramping even though I no longer get a period. I continue to feel like it's not okay for me to have this kind of response because I keep volleying between, "I can relate to this, oh god" and "You liar, you don't even know, say nothing."
Even as I type this I find myself unable to breathe. What if I wasn't ever pregnant? What if what I thought was a miscarriage was something else? What does that mean about my mind and the validity of any of my traumatic experiences?
My therapist and I met yesterday to talk about the shame I have regarding having been sexually active outside of marriage, but I think I will throw up in my next session if I try to talk about the not knowing.
What do I do?
Yesterday morning I received word that my boss lose her newborn son within a few hours of birth due to a lung infection that developed during labor. He was her first child, and deeply wanted, and everyone at our company is in mourning. Everyone is processing grief in their own ways, but what has come up for me are the shadowy shame-filled memories of the time when I may have been pregnant and may have lost the baby at 14 weeks.
I say "may" because my memory during that period is almost completely grayed out, and when I try to solidify the events surrounding it, all I do remember is the night I think I conceived, and the week I think the miscarriage occurred. I do not remember if I ever had a positive pregnancy test, I do not think I ever went to a doctor for help, but I do remember being deeply at odds with my body and feeling like something alien had taken root. The circumstances that led to this fuge state were devastating (the boyfriend I had reconnected with turned a joyous reconciliation into a one night stand and I never heard from him again.) I have a great deal of shame about not knowing for sure, and I feel very conflicted about saying that it happened, especially to others but also to myself. All I know is that something terrible happened, and I have not been the same since.
This mismatch of memories has made it difficult for me to process anything related to pregnancy. As soon as I got off the phone with the people who let me know the bad news yesterday, I went and threw up and my stomach started cramping even though I no longer get a period. I continue to feel like it's not okay for me to have this kind of response because I keep volleying between, "I can relate to this, oh god" and "You liar, you don't even know, say nothing."
Even as I type this I find myself unable to breathe. What if I wasn't ever pregnant? What if what I thought was a miscarriage was something else? What does that mean about my mind and the validity of any of my traumatic experiences?
My therapist and I met yesterday to talk about the shame I have regarding having been sexually active outside of marriage, but I think I will throw up in my next session if I try to talk about the not knowing.
What do I do?
Are you able to send, hand or show a copy of this post to your therapist?
You may not be able to speak about it out loud yet but absorbing and creating a narrative of what happened is an important part of handling the trauma, and I think knowing how much you're struggling is important for them. That narrative can include a lot of "I don't knows"; I think it will also probably include at minimum accepting a mundane degree of "knowing" (here is what I'm pretty sure happened, instead of "here is an airtight proof", which isn't a standard we normally use!).
posted by Lady Li at 6:42 AM on January 20, 2023 [4 favorites]
You may not be able to speak about it out loud yet but absorbing and creating a narrative of what happened is an important part of handling the trauma, and I think knowing how much you're struggling is important for them. That narrative can include a lot of "I don't knows"; I think it will also probably include at minimum accepting a mundane degree of "knowing" (here is what I'm pretty sure happened, instead of "here is an airtight proof", which isn't a standard we normally use!).
posted by Lady Li at 6:42 AM on January 20, 2023 [4 favorites]
Agree, treat it like it happened. The alternative won't let you process anything. If you want to move forward, you're going to have to process it, and that means you're going to have to believe it was real.
posted by kevinbelt at 6:47 AM on January 20, 2023
posted by kevinbelt at 6:47 AM on January 20, 2023
Nth'ing the advice above - treat it like it happened. IANYT, but the greying out and anxiety and feeling like you're going to throw up sounds like your mind and body protecting itself from something extremely painful. Honor that. As my therapist tells me for my Thing that I have very complex feelings about - both can be true. You can feel this intense response to anything pregnancy related, and still want to support your boss through her grief.
To that... It sounds like you want to be supportive to your boss. It's totally okay to set a boundary for yourself as far as what how you want to support her, in what way, and to what degree. In your own time.
Sending healing thoughts to you both.
posted by OhHaieThere at 7:06 AM on January 20, 2023 [1 favorite]
To that... It sounds like you want to be supportive to your boss. It's totally okay to set a boundary for yourself as far as what how you want to support her, in what way, and to what degree. In your own time.
Sending healing thoughts to you both.
posted by OhHaieThere at 7:06 AM on January 20, 2023 [1 favorite]
Agree with the above advice that you can communicate this information to your therapist via text, voice note, email or some other indirect method.
Also, if you find "treat it like it happened" to be too difficult, can you maybe put off having to make a decision about what actually happened in the past, just for the moment?
Your pain and grief is real, right now. Care for the person you are right now, who is hurting.
Just for now, it doesn't matter what caused the pain, you don't have to process or figure it out right now.
You are in crisis and all you have to do in the next hour, and the hours after that, is to care for yourself with compassion, kindness, and patience.
Look after your body. Find some comfort and cosyness. Have a warm bath, if that's what you enjoy. Eat something soothing and delicious. Listen to rain or ocean sounds. Whatever will allow you to relax and find some respite.
posted by Zumbador at 7:36 AM on January 20, 2023 [9 favorites]
Also, if you find "treat it like it happened" to be too difficult, can you maybe put off having to make a decision about what actually happened in the past, just for the moment?
Your pain and grief is real, right now. Care for the person you are right now, who is hurting.
Just for now, it doesn't matter what caused the pain, you don't have to process or figure it out right now.
You are in crisis and all you have to do in the next hour, and the hours after that, is to care for yourself with compassion, kindness, and patience.
Look after your body. Find some comfort and cosyness. Have a warm bath, if that's what you enjoy. Eat something soothing and delicious. Listen to rain or ocean sounds. Whatever will allow you to relax and find some respite.
posted by Zumbador at 7:36 AM on January 20, 2023 [9 favorites]
I lost my baby similarly to your boss (my daughter lived a bit longer) and I give you full permission to treat your miscarriage like it happened and as a loss.
I’m very sorry that happened to you. And to your boss. It’s a very deep ancestral line of women throughout history who have experienced and endured so many things around how reproduction works. I hope you feel the support of that community. You do not have to be perfect to deserve to grieve and process and get help and support.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:00 AM on January 20, 2023 [21 favorites]
I’m very sorry that happened to you. And to your boss. It’s a very deep ancestral line of women throughout history who have experienced and endured so many things around how reproduction works. I hope you feel the support of that community. You do not have to be perfect to deserve to grieve and process and get help and support.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:00 AM on January 20, 2023 [21 favorites]
I'm very sorry that you are going through this. Your grief and your reactions to this situation are valid.
Here is a list of things to do to help take care of yourself while going through a time like this. I am sharing it here because it has helped me and I hope it will help you. (I can't credit it properly because I don't know where I found it because I can't clearly remember the days when I found it.)
Help through Grief
1. Be patient with yourself. Do not compare yourself to others. Go through mourning at your own pace.
2. Admit you are hurting and go with the pain
3. Apply cold or heat to your body, whichever feels best.
4. Ask for and accept help.
5. Talk to others
6. Face the loss
7. Stop asking “Why?” and ask “What will I do now?”
8. Recognize that a bad day does not mean that all is lost.
9. Rest.
10. Exercise.
11. Keep to a routine.
12. Introduce pleasant changes into your life.
13. Know that you will survive.
14. Take care of something alive, such as a plant or a pet
15. Schedule activities to help yourself get through weekends and holidays.
16. Find someone who needs your help.
17. Accept your feelings as part of the normal grief reaction.
18. Postpone major decisions whenever possible
19. Do something you enjoy doing.
20. Write in a journal.
21. Be around people.
22. Schedule time alone.
23. Do not overdo.
24. Eat regularly.
posted by ewok_academy at 9:33 AM on January 20, 2023 [11 favorites]
Here is a list of things to do to help take care of yourself while going through a time like this. I am sharing it here because it has helped me and I hope it will help you. (I can't credit it properly because I don't know where I found it because I can't clearly remember the days when I found it.)
Help through Grief
1. Be patient with yourself. Do not compare yourself to others. Go through mourning at your own pace.
2. Admit you are hurting and go with the pain
3. Apply cold or heat to your body, whichever feels best.
4. Ask for and accept help.
5. Talk to others
6. Face the loss
7. Stop asking “Why?” and ask “What will I do now?”
8. Recognize that a bad day does not mean that all is lost.
9. Rest.
10. Exercise.
11. Keep to a routine.
12. Introduce pleasant changes into your life.
13. Know that you will survive.
14. Take care of something alive, such as a plant or a pet
15. Schedule activities to help yourself get through weekends and holidays.
16. Find someone who needs your help.
17. Accept your feelings as part of the normal grief reaction.
18. Postpone major decisions whenever possible
19. Do something you enjoy doing.
20. Write in a journal.
21. Be around people.
22. Schedule time alone.
23. Do not overdo.
24. Eat regularly.
posted by ewok_academy at 9:33 AM on January 20, 2023 [11 favorites]
It sounds like there is a sharp edge of stress around how to frame your reaction and your feelings to your boss. It's impossible not to be emotional, and maybe you feel a drive to let her know that she and you are a little connected in this way, because there's an important human drive to comfort others. I think this is good, and I'm only stating it here in case it's true and having it put into words helps you think about it for yourself.
I think figuring out exactly what you want to say to your boss (not details, just words that convey sympathy, connection, and a small degree of shared grief and understanding) would be helpful. You wouldn't necessarily _have_ to say anything, but having words prepared in case an occasion made you want to say something could be very powerful.
So what to say? I don't really know. I haven't been through this. Here are some jumbled points that you might be able to arrange for yourself. They're probably mostly (or all) rubbish; feel free to skim, move on, and connect with something more useful, but just in case there's a useful grain here:
- "I really can't go into any detail, and please don't ask me for more information."
- "I doubt this will really help, but I'm saying it anyway in case it could make you feel a fraction of an iota less alone."
- "I was involved in an event that was very different from what you went through, but that had a few shared elements. Even that event, even so far in the past, still brings up extremely strong grief and feelings that are hard for me to deal with. Nobody expects you to be OK right now."
posted by amtho at 10:38 AM on January 20, 2023
I think figuring out exactly what you want to say to your boss (not details, just words that convey sympathy, connection, and a small degree of shared grief and understanding) would be helpful. You wouldn't necessarily _have_ to say anything, but having words prepared in case an occasion made you want to say something could be very powerful.
So what to say? I don't really know. I haven't been through this. Here are some jumbled points that you might be able to arrange for yourself. They're probably mostly (or all) rubbish; feel free to skim, move on, and connect with something more useful, but just in case there's a useful grain here:
- "I really can't go into any detail, and please don't ask me for more information."
- "I doubt this will really help, but I'm saying it anyway in case it could make you feel a fraction of an iota less alone."
- "I was involved in an event that was very different from what you went through, but that had a few shared elements. Even that event, even so far in the past, still brings up extremely strong grief and feelings that are hard for me to deal with. Nobody expects you to be OK right now."
posted by amtho at 10:38 AM on January 20, 2023
You don't need accuracy to have trauma. If you had an experience that was distressing, alarming, fearful, that is all that is necessary for the brain and body to register a trauma. You are having a trauma response, that is all that factually matters. The thing that actually needs to be taken care of right now is the trauma reaction you are experiencing, not the frightening medical and romantic and socio-religious issue you had at an earlier time.
You are not stealing anything from your friend by experiencing grief. It is not finite. All that is required here is that you not look to your boss for support, as she cannot help you right now. But other people can help! You are not alone.
While your nervous system currently 100% believes there is an emergency happening right now, there is not. You have time to think and process and feel, no time-sensitive action needs to be taken at this time. You may feel panic, but that is part of the trauma response and can be managed like a symptom.
I want to go back to my first point in more detail. It does not matter if what "actually" happened was a medically technically normal period, a very abnormal period, a miscarriage, something you dreamed in sleep paralysis, a trick of the light, a paranormal event, a hallucination, or the result of some kind of medical procedure or assault that you do not remember. ALL that matters is that you experienced something terrible that was stressful to your nervous system. You are describing significant disassociation of the sort that happens under extraordinary, crushing stress. Whatever the finer details of what happened, it was bad. It was a really shitty time wrapped around a really frightening physical experience.
(For what it's worth, though, I think most people who are able to get pregnant would draw the same conclusion. Sure, maybe a freak non-miscarriage event, but I think most of us would reasonably assume it was under similar circumstances of feasibility and would be really surprised if it turned out to be something else, and that would not be insurance against ongoing trauma responses. I think it's also important to honor the fact that people-who-can-get-pregnant routinely have to guess about miscarriages thanks to a dangerous and uninterested society. It is sufficient evidence that you suspect it.)
I would ask that you try right now to find the kind of love and sorrow and empathy for that previous version of you that I'm sure most of us here feel for you, and that we would all feel for a close friend. That person went through something awful and confusing and heartbreaking and physically difficult, and they were very very frightened. Not one single person EVER deserves that kind of pain and fear, not even you, no matter what. You deserved and deserve comfort and support.
You may be/have been subject to some kind of restrictions of belief that imposes shame on what happened to you, and probably also dictates that pain and fear and suffering are appropriate punishments for behavior. I again ask you to try to think of the Past You that went through this with the same warmth and care you would if it was a dear friend or family member or one of us here, because I have a hard time believing that someone with the clear depth of empathy you've shown about your boss have would actually slam a door in my face or her face or anybody's face and insist they deserved to suffer in the same situation.
You are in distress, therefore you deserve and have the right to support and comfort. That is not negotiable, and you do not have to provide any credentials or proof.
Tell your boss you are so so sorry for their loss. Send a restaurant or delivery service gift card. In a month, when a lot of the support energy has wound down, send flowers or make a memorial donation.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:55 AM on January 20, 2023 [11 favorites]
You are not stealing anything from your friend by experiencing grief. It is not finite. All that is required here is that you not look to your boss for support, as she cannot help you right now. But other people can help! You are not alone.
While your nervous system currently 100% believes there is an emergency happening right now, there is not. You have time to think and process and feel, no time-sensitive action needs to be taken at this time. You may feel panic, but that is part of the trauma response and can be managed like a symptom.
I want to go back to my first point in more detail. It does not matter if what "actually" happened was a medically technically normal period, a very abnormal period, a miscarriage, something you dreamed in sleep paralysis, a trick of the light, a paranormal event, a hallucination, or the result of some kind of medical procedure or assault that you do not remember. ALL that matters is that you experienced something terrible that was stressful to your nervous system. You are describing significant disassociation of the sort that happens under extraordinary, crushing stress. Whatever the finer details of what happened, it was bad. It was a really shitty time wrapped around a really frightening physical experience.
(For what it's worth, though, I think most people who are able to get pregnant would draw the same conclusion. Sure, maybe a freak non-miscarriage event, but I think most of us would reasonably assume it was under similar circumstances of feasibility and would be really surprised if it turned out to be something else, and that would not be insurance against ongoing trauma responses. I think it's also important to honor the fact that people-who-can-get-pregnant routinely have to guess about miscarriages thanks to a dangerous and uninterested society. It is sufficient evidence that you suspect it.)
I would ask that you try right now to find the kind of love and sorrow and empathy for that previous version of you that I'm sure most of us here feel for you, and that we would all feel for a close friend. That person went through something awful and confusing and heartbreaking and physically difficult, and they were very very frightened. Not one single person EVER deserves that kind of pain and fear, not even you, no matter what. You deserved and deserve comfort and support.
You may be/have been subject to some kind of restrictions of belief that imposes shame on what happened to you, and probably also dictates that pain and fear and suffering are appropriate punishments for behavior. I again ask you to try to think of the Past You that went through this with the same warmth and care you would if it was a dear friend or family member or one of us here, because I have a hard time believing that someone with the clear depth of empathy you've shown about your boss have would actually slam a door in my face or her face or anybody's face and insist they deserved to suffer in the same situation.
You are in distress, therefore you deserve and have the right to support and comfort. That is not negotiable, and you do not have to provide any credentials or proof.
Tell your boss you are so so sorry for their loss. Send a restaurant or delivery service gift card. In a month, when a lot of the support energy has wound down, send flowers or make a memorial donation.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:55 AM on January 20, 2023 [11 favorites]
It seems to me that what you know for sure happened is more than enough for you to say you had a valid traumatic experience. You thought you were going to have a baby and then you realized you weren't. That's a definitely true story and it's equally true whether or not you were actually pregnant.
Pregnancy tests are a pretty recent invention. For most of human history, a woman who miscarried at 14 weeks wouldn't be able to say any more about it than what you can say: "I think I was pregnant and had a miscarriage." If you traveled back in time 200 years and met a woman who had had that experience and was traumatized by it, would you tell her it wasn't okay to feel the way she did because she didn't have proof she was pregnant?
Everyone's story of loss and grief is a little different from everyone else's and everyone's story is also the same as someone else's in some way. Your story has an element of not knowing that is part of what makes it uniquely yours, but many, many women must also have stories that share that element of not knowing. Could you tell something of your story to a woman who knew she had definitely had a miscarriage and expect her to feel your experience was relevant to hers? Maybe, maybe not. Would it be more helpful to tell her your story if you had definitely had a miscarriage? Maybe, maybe not. No other person is never going to be in the exact circumstances you were in, with the exact same feelings. Sometimes you feel like there's enough similarity that you want to bring up your own experience, sometimes you don't. Maybe someday you'll get to talking to someone else who was never sure if she was pregnant and she'll be glad to hear she's not the only one with that kind of story.
posted by Redstart at 12:11 PM on January 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
Pregnancy tests are a pretty recent invention. For most of human history, a woman who miscarried at 14 weeks wouldn't be able to say any more about it than what you can say: "I think I was pregnant and had a miscarriage." If you traveled back in time 200 years and met a woman who had had that experience and was traumatized by it, would you tell her it wasn't okay to feel the way she did because she didn't have proof she was pregnant?
Everyone's story of loss and grief is a little different from everyone else's and everyone's story is also the same as someone else's in some way. Your story has an element of not knowing that is part of what makes it uniquely yours, but many, many women must also have stories that share that element of not knowing. Could you tell something of your story to a woman who knew she had definitely had a miscarriage and expect her to feel your experience was relevant to hers? Maybe, maybe not. Would it be more helpful to tell her your story if you had definitely had a miscarriage? Maybe, maybe not. No other person is never going to be in the exact circumstances you were in, with the exact same feelings. Sometimes you feel like there's enough similarity that you want to bring up your own experience, sometimes you don't. Maybe someday you'll get to talking to someone else who was never sure if she was pregnant and she'll be glad to hear she's not the only one with that kind of story.
posted by Redstart at 12:11 PM on January 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
The part of you harshly interrogating whether you were actually pregnant, etc. is your brain trying to protect you. It's misguided and painful, but it's pushing you to envision a scenario where you didn't have a miscarriage. People often respond to trauma by trying to convince themselves it didn't really happen, wasn't actually traumatic, or was a natural consequence of their bad behavior. I suspect all three of these might apply to you at various times. I'm so glad you have a therapist you trust.
It's ok to wait to talk about the not knowing with your therapist, if that's what feels right to you, but I wonder if your worry about throwing up is a reaction to some part of you that really, desperately wants to talk about it. If that's the case, you could email your therapist, or write something to bring to the next session, with something like, "I want to talk about something difficult, but I'm scared it'll make me throw up. What can we do to help me feel safe, and also what do you do when a patient throws up in your office?" Or, you could write out some reflections on the topic itself--or just print/link to this post. You would not be the first person to throw up in a therapist's office (source: I am a therapist). You could also consider doing a telehealth session for this topic so you can set yourself up with easy bathroom access, a clean washcloth, glass of water, etc. Trauma happens in your body--in your nervous system. Healing from trauma is a physiological process as well as an emotional one.
posted by theotherdurassister at 1:24 PM on January 20, 2023
It's ok to wait to talk about the not knowing with your therapist, if that's what feels right to you, but I wonder if your worry about throwing up is a reaction to some part of you that really, desperately wants to talk about it. If that's the case, you could email your therapist, or write something to bring to the next session, with something like, "I want to talk about something difficult, but I'm scared it'll make me throw up. What can we do to help me feel safe, and also what do you do when a patient throws up in your office?" Or, you could write out some reflections on the topic itself--or just print/link to this post. You would not be the first person to throw up in a therapist's office (source: I am a therapist). You could also consider doing a telehealth session for this topic so you can set yourself up with easy bathroom access, a clean washcloth, glass of water, etc. Trauma happens in your body--in your nervous system. Healing from trauma is a physiological process as well as an emotional one.
posted by theotherdurassister at 1:24 PM on January 20, 2023
Please know that there is a great deal of therapeutic work out there that supports the idea that while the mind and memory sometimes lie to us (to protect us), the body usually tells the truth. It may not be the truth that you "know" intellectually or emotionally right now, or ever so knew, or ever will know. But your body tells truths that are important. See The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma and this conversation for example. Or this one.
Your body is telling you something important and it's ok to listen to its authority in doing so, even if you don't understand quite what it is telling you. You can perhaps approach the conversation with your therapist this way.
And you can say to your boss and friend, "I understand your pain," without having to feel like you are telling a lie. You may not know exactly how you are telling the truth when you express your shared pain. But you know you are not telling a lie.
Peace to you.
posted by desert exile at 6:57 PM on January 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
Your body is telling you something important and it's ok to listen to its authority in doing so, even if you don't understand quite what it is telling you. You can perhaps approach the conversation with your therapist this way.
And you can say to your boss and friend, "I understand your pain," without having to feel like you are telling a lie. You may not know exactly how you are telling the truth when you express your shared pain. But you know you are not telling a lie.
Peace to you.
posted by desert exile at 6:57 PM on January 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
When people say "treat it like it happened" you may find that language just activates the whole argument in your self. Instead, try a simpler message "Something happen." Your body is telling you that something happened and it was seriously bad. You don't have to figure out exactly what happened to recognize that there is something there that was big and important and had a huge negative emotional impact on you. There is some great advice up thread. I just want to add my sympathy and support as you go through the process of grieving again for that long-ago loss.
posted by metahawk at 9:12 PM on January 20, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by metahawk at 9:12 PM on January 20, 2023 [1 favorite]
You liar, you don't even know, say nothing."
I'm not sure you're thinking here about what you could say specifically to your boss; maybe not. if you are: you can say something kind no matter what, if you feel able. but I do not think that expressing an understanding, as some have suggested, is wise at this time.
not because you don't understand. something traumatic indisputably happened to you; almost certainly a miscarriage and certainly something that bad. if you were to say that this happened to you, in any context, to anyone or to yourself, you would not be a liar no matter how few details you recall. but that is not relevant to why you should not say to your boss right now that your miscarriage gives you an understanding of her child's death. I know that any hierarchical ranking of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death is deeply distasteful and I am not telling you your trauma and grief don't count - it is because they do count that I am advising self-protection. the last thing you need right now is to have to apologize for the comparison or minimize the pain of your own loss for fear of offending, and depending on her reaction, which cannot be predicted, you might have to.
you could still share your similar experience with her in a way she would appreciate and you would feel unburdened by - just, later.
however, although I don't think you should take the real risk of getting a very bad reaction from her now, I do think that the emotional risk of telling your therapist or friends or a support group is well worth taking. whenever you feel like you can.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:06 PM on January 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure you're thinking here about what you could say specifically to your boss; maybe not. if you are: you can say something kind no matter what, if you feel able. but I do not think that expressing an understanding, as some have suggested, is wise at this time.
not because you don't understand. something traumatic indisputably happened to you; almost certainly a miscarriage and certainly something that bad. if you were to say that this happened to you, in any context, to anyone or to yourself, you would not be a liar no matter how few details you recall. but that is not relevant to why you should not say to your boss right now that your miscarriage gives you an understanding of her child's death. I know that any hierarchical ranking of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death is deeply distasteful and I am not telling you your trauma and grief don't count - it is because they do count that I am advising self-protection. the last thing you need right now is to have to apologize for the comparison or minimize the pain of your own loss for fear of offending, and depending on her reaction, which cannot be predicted, you might have to.
you could still share your similar experience with her in a way she would appreciate and you would feel unburdened by - just, later.
however, although I don't think you should take the real risk of getting a very bad reaction from her now, I do think that the emotional risk of telling your therapist or friends or a support group is well worth taking. whenever you feel like you can.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:06 PM on January 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
My condolences for both your loss and the grief you are experiencing for your boss's loss.
posted by metasarah at 6:40 AM on January 20, 2023 [35 favorites]