What advice can people give me for going out alone?
January 6, 2023 6:42 PM Subscribe
I have a lot of friends, but I want to make more friends and I want to meet more people. Going out alone and getting past the stigma of doing that is something that has helped me greatly to meet more people. Nonetheless, I still get nervous when doing it.
Generally, I go to meetups on my own and meet a bunch of people. This is what those places are for. However, I want to go to other more non-traditional places like bars and clubs. Doing things alone and being ok with yourself is the secret to making friends if you ask me.
Friend of mine said recently that we're probably never going to meet as many people again as we have during university. I want to defy those expectations.
Generally, I go to meetups on my own and meet a bunch of people. This is what those places are for. However, I want to go to other more non-traditional places like bars and clubs. Doing things alone and being ok with yourself is the secret to making friends if you ask me.
Friend of mine said recently that we're probably never going to meet as many people again as we have during university. I want to defy those expectations.
Best answer: Eons ago, back when I was planning a hideously complex expedition, I did my planning at a local bar on Sunday afternoon.
...as it turns out, sipping a drink while surrounded by books on weather patterns and extensive maps is pretty good for having random people walk up and start chatting. The bartender loved me, because I arrived early and drew in others (I sat near a window).
This is essentially the exact same point as the one made by augustimagination above, just with a different task set, so I figured it would be worth mentioning despite the similarity.
posted by aramaic at 6:52 PM on January 6, 2023 [18 favorites]
...as it turns out, sipping a drink while surrounded by books on weather patterns and extensive maps is pretty good for having random people walk up and start chatting. The bartender loved me, because I arrived early and drew in others (I sat near a window).
This is essentially the exact same point as the one made by augustimagination above, just with a different task set, so I figured it would be worth mentioning despite the similarity.
posted by aramaic at 6:52 PM on January 6, 2023 [18 favorites]
Are you nervous because you haven’t done these things before? Once you learn to power through the weirdness of doing new things alone, you will have earned a wildly useful new skill.
posted by Vatnesine at 9:10 PM on January 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Vatnesine at 9:10 PM on January 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
This is the whole reason I ever auditioned for or volunteered for theater shows.
Also: improv classes, then small improv groups.
posted by amtho at 10:34 PM on January 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
Also: improv classes, then small improv groups.
posted by amtho at 10:34 PM on January 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
Um....bars and clubs are probably the one place I have reservations about going to alone. Like I only do it at a bar/club where I've been a regular for awhile (and went with others for awhile), and probably know at least one person there who will look out for me. However, I'm female and after I said that, I'm sure you can figure out exactly why that's a problem for the likes of me. I have bar friends who are all "nothing good happens after 11 p.m." and in all honestly, the few times things have gotten weird for me in bars within the last year were the times my friends went home early and I was all "nah, it's cool, I'll hang out here alone till closing."
If you're a dude, obviously you can completely ignore this advice and do whatever you like alone in a bar with no fears of safety whatsoever (sigh).
I will note that karaoke places are very friendly in general to people going on a regular basis. I don't know how you feel on that topic (I suppose you do not have to sing), but I've had good experiences doing that. Or anywhere where you become a "regular." Theater's great for that, crafting is great for that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:58 PM on January 6, 2023 [4 favorites]
If you're a dude, obviously you can completely ignore this advice and do whatever you like alone in a bar with no fears of safety whatsoever (sigh).
I will note that karaoke places are very friendly in general to people going on a regular basis. I don't know how you feel on that topic (I suppose you do not have to sing), but I've had good experiences doing that. Or anywhere where you become a "regular." Theater's great for that, crafting is great for that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:58 PM on January 6, 2023 [4 favorites]
Best answer: If you want to make friends in clubs, take dancing lessons. Salsa might be a good place to start - it's social, the basic is pretty simple, and the music is fantastic.
Social dance is also one of the best places possible to practice negotiating consent and rejection - being ok with yourself may be key to meeting people, but making and keeping friends requires being ok with other people and their boundaries, too.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:29 PM on January 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
Social dance is also one of the best places possible to practice negotiating consent and rejection - being ok with yourself may be key to meeting people, but making and keeping friends requires being ok with other people and their boundaries, too.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:29 PM on January 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Salsa is good, swing dancing may be more egalitarian in the sense that they seem to have more instances of women dancing as the lead and men as the follow (subverting the "men always lead" assumption), and related to that, there are also more instances where the follows ask the leads to dance. Salsa, at least in my corner of Canada, seems to mostly stick to traditional gender roles. I was very active in the salsa scene many years back, so the rest of my comment is based on that.
Social dance classes are good for meeting people because usually your whole class/cohort will advance at the same pace, you're forced to meet others when you rotate partners in class, and then the end game is that you all will plan to go social dancing at the same time, to the same places. So when you go to the clubs, you have a "safe" group of friends that you can always fall back on for dances and chit-chat, while you slowly build up more dance friends as you become a regular. Once you ask the same stranger to dance three Tuesdays in a row, eventually they're not really a stranger anymore.
If you take 1-2 classes a week + go social dancing 1-2x a week also for an entire year, and assuming you take care of the hygiene and etiquette basics (you manage sweat and body odours well, you're polite and can handle rejection with aplomb, you understand that a dance connection - however intense in the moment - is not always synonymous with "let's hook up later") I can pretty much guarantee you that you will make friends, and not just one or two people. More like 5-10, at least! If you're still at it by year three, you will probably be planning vacations with these people, sharing hotel rooms at salsa congresses, etc.
The one big asterisk here of course, is COVID. Right now, for better or for worse, dance studios and clubs here are operating at pre-pandemic capacities (you can still wear a mask if you like). If that level of COVID risk is not acceptable, then perhaps dance is not for you at this moment in time, but you can really apply this idea to any club or activity you can think of. Board games, hiking, skiing/snowboarding at this time of year, climbing, etc etc.
Now for the "how to feel comfortable" part, because it sounds like you have no trouble going to a meet-up or signing up for a class, but maybe you feel a little weird because you know you're not just there to hike/dance/learn a new language, you have an "ulterior motive" of making friends and you worry that this might come out weird in your interactions.
The best thing I did for myself is to tell myself I am an interesting and cool person worth getting to know (my usual self-talk is usually negative, so this was very important), and pre-selecting a few stories/conversation topics ahead of time that show my interesting side. (Especially since I think my job is kinda boring, so I always want to shift the topic away from that). Not to deploy it in a performative, "I'm so amazing, you're lucky to be hanging out with me!" way, but just so I don't get nervous and flustered in the moment.
One other thing is to be the organizer. It doesn't have to be a big thing, just be the guy who's like, "Hey after activity, I'm gonna grab a drink, anybody else?" Other people who are also looking to make friends will naturally say yes to these bids for more social time and interaction.
posted by tinydancer at 12:52 AM on January 7, 2023 [6 favorites]
Social dance classes are good for meeting people because usually your whole class/cohort will advance at the same pace, you're forced to meet others when you rotate partners in class, and then the end game is that you all will plan to go social dancing at the same time, to the same places. So when you go to the clubs, you have a "safe" group of friends that you can always fall back on for dances and chit-chat, while you slowly build up more dance friends as you become a regular. Once you ask the same stranger to dance three Tuesdays in a row, eventually they're not really a stranger anymore.
If you take 1-2 classes a week + go social dancing 1-2x a week also for an entire year, and assuming you take care of the hygiene and etiquette basics (you manage sweat and body odours well, you're polite and can handle rejection with aplomb, you understand that a dance connection - however intense in the moment - is not always synonymous with "let's hook up later") I can pretty much guarantee you that you will make friends, and not just one or two people. More like 5-10, at least! If you're still at it by year three, you will probably be planning vacations with these people, sharing hotel rooms at salsa congresses, etc.
The one big asterisk here of course, is COVID. Right now, for better or for worse, dance studios and clubs here are operating at pre-pandemic capacities (you can still wear a mask if you like). If that level of COVID risk is not acceptable, then perhaps dance is not for you at this moment in time, but you can really apply this idea to any club or activity you can think of. Board games, hiking, skiing/snowboarding at this time of year, climbing, etc etc.
Now for the "how to feel comfortable" part, because it sounds like you have no trouble going to a meet-up or signing up for a class, but maybe you feel a little weird because you know you're not just there to hike/dance/learn a new language, you have an "ulterior motive" of making friends and you worry that this might come out weird in your interactions.
The best thing I did for myself is to tell myself I am an interesting and cool person worth getting to know (my usual self-talk is usually negative, so this was very important), and pre-selecting a few stories/conversation topics ahead of time that show my interesting side. (Especially since I think my job is kinda boring, so I always want to shift the topic away from that). Not to deploy it in a performative, "I'm so amazing, you're lucky to be hanging out with me!" way, but just so I don't get nervous and flustered in the moment.
One other thing is to be the organizer. It doesn't have to be a big thing, just be the guy who's like, "Hey after activity, I'm gonna grab a drink, anybody else?" Other people who are also looking to make friends will naturally say yes to these bids for more social time and interaction.
posted by tinydancer at 12:52 AM on January 7, 2023 [6 favorites]
I go to bars alone fairly regularly, usually quiet bars early in the evening. I bring a book (Kindle), or I plan to watch "the game" (the actual game is not important, although it helps if you have some knowledge of and/or interest in what's happening) at the bar. Avoid spending all your time looking at your phone; it gives off an "I'm killing time" vibe that is not conducive to starting conversations. I mostly go to the same two or three places - if you become a "regular" it's easier to strike up a conversation with the bartenders and other regulars.
First, you should establish rapport with the bartender (pay a lot of attention to how this is going; some bartenders are chatty, others are not; respect that the bartender is at work and don't monopolize them). Once you've done that it's pretty easy to jump in on conversations other people are having with the bartender. Also if the bartender seems like they approve of you, that's kind of a seal of approval for other people at the bar. You really, really don't want the bartender rolling their eyes behind your back.
No idea about clubs, though! And FWIW I never really "meet" people at bars - I have nice conversations, but I can't remember the last time I exchanged numbers or made arrangements to meet up with someone I'd met at a bar. But part of that is my own priorities.
posted by mskyle at 5:52 AM on January 7, 2023 [5 favorites]
First, you should establish rapport with the bartender (pay a lot of attention to how this is going; some bartenders are chatty, others are not; respect that the bartender is at work and don't monopolize them). Once you've done that it's pretty easy to jump in on conversations other people are having with the bartender. Also if the bartender seems like they approve of you, that's kind of a seal of approval for other people at the bar. You really, really don't want the bartender rolling their eyes behind your back.
No idea about clubs, though! And FWIW I never really "meet" people at bars - I have nice conversations, but I can't remember the last time I exchanged numbers or made arrangements to meet up with someone I'd met at a bar. But part of that is my own priorities.
posted by mskyle at 5:52 AM on January 7, 2023 [5 favorites]
Like someone else above, I don’t much go to bars alone because I’m a woman, and I don’t want to get hit on, and I think that’s pretty common for women, and yet women still manage to make friends without bar-hanging. (Not speaking for all women, but at least where I am it’s an activity with a real gender split in its accessibility.)
So I’d push back hard on the idea that you need to be able to go out randomly on your own to bars make new friends. I’ve always been blessed with a decent number of friends (tbh probably had more friends since I left Uni than when I was a student) and they’ve all come from activity groups.
I would think going to meet-ups is exactly what you should be doing and is the best way to meet new people because, as you say, you’re all there for that. Also you’ve got an interest in common and an activity to talk about. I don’t think you need to feel compelled to go to bars alone, unless you actually enjoy it.
posted by penguin pie at 6:42 AM on January 7, 2023 [3 favorites]
So I’d push back hard on the idea that you need to be able to go out randomly on your own to bars make new friends. I’ve always been blessed with a decent number of friends (tbh probably had more friends since I left Uni than when I was a student) and they’ve all come from activity groups.
I would think going to meet-ups is exactly what you should be doing and is the best way to meet new people because, as you say, you’re all there for that. Also you’ve got an interest in common and an activity to talk about. I don’t think you need to feel compelled to go to bars alone, unless you actually enjoy it.
posted by penguin pie at 6:42 AM on January 7, 2023 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Are you nervous because you haven’t done these things before? Once you learn to power through the weirdness of doing new things alone, you will have earned a wildly useful new skill.
Pretty much. And I also had too many things put in my head about how it's "wrong" for a man to be out on his own. It's dumb, but it still makes me nervous.
posted by Tarsonis10 at 10:20 AM on January 7, 2023
Pretty much. And I also had too many things put in my head about how it's "wrong" for a man to be out on his own. It's dumb, but it still makes me nervous.
posted by Tarsonis10 at 10:20 AM on January 7, 2023
tinydancer, you have warmed the cockles of my heart. The lindy-hop communities I run in have invested a lot of energy in taking on racism, sexism, gender essentialism, ableism, and the challenges of predation and assault, and I am really glad to hear that the swing dancers you know are trying to do better, too!
Tarsonis10, I answered your question about clubs without mentioning swing dancing because lindy-hop communities don’t tend to dance at bars or venues with alcohol, and dancing as a way of playing the field to find dates is strongly discouraged to reduce harassment. People date! But if you are using the phrase “meeting people at bars and clubs” as a way of talking about “efficiently finding people to date and sleep with”, you actually should stay away from swing dancing, because that vibe is unwelcome. That said, if you are interested in meeting people who are also learning how to be silly fun improvising music-interpreting badasses, look up the phrase “lindy hop” in your city.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 10:25 AM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]
Tarsonis10, I answered your question about clubs without mentioning swing dancing because lindy-hop communities don’t tend to dance at bars or venues with alcohol, and dancing as a way of playing the field to find dates is strongly discouraged to reduce harassment. People date! But if you are using the phrase “meeting people at bars and clubs” as a way of talking about “efficiently finding people to date and sleep with”, you actually should stay away from swing dancing, because that vibe is unwelcome. That said, if you are interested in meeting people who are also learning how to be silly fun improvising music-interpreting badasses, look up the phrase “lindy hop” in your city.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 10:25 AM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]
Another kind of dance if you’re less comfortable with partner dances is line dancing. I’m just getting started with urban line dance classes at a studio where I live, and I’m excited about it. I’m
not very comfortable with partner dances but you don’t need a partner to do a little hustle or electric slide.
posted by Well I never at 11:58 AM on January 7, 2023
not very comfortable with partner dances but you don’t need a partner to do a little hustle or electric slide.
posted by Well I never at 11:58 AM on January 7, 2023
You're a dude in your mid-late 20s right? The guys I know in that demo do sports, or volunteer.
posted by airmail at 6:25 PM on January 8, 2023
posted by airmail at 6:25 PM on January 8, 2023
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posted by augustimagination at 6:44 PM on January 6, 2023 [9 favorites]