librarian donna reed forever!!!
December 28, 2022 6:52 PM Subscribe
What are some positive models of people living life without romantic relationships (ideally, asexual+aromantic, or similar identities)? In particular, do you have any tips on "a well-lived single-by-choice life," whether from personal experience, people you're close with, or fictional portrayals?
Best answer: Autostraddle has a list of books with bi or homoromantic asexual women characters and also a quiz that recommends sapphic asexual books, with a list in the comments. They have some good writing on asexuality that you can find by searching, though it will tend to be homoromantic-focused, given the target audience of the site.
On YouTube, Ace Dad Advice is a good role model. He's married to an allosexual man. Yasmin Benoit is a lingerie model.
As far as tips, what do you want to know? I'd say the two biggest challenges of being permanently single are finances (it's more expensive to live alone, and you don't have the security of a second income in your household) and the importance of maintaining a strong support network (because there is no default person you can rely on for help with daily life). Allosexual single people also face these challenges, but most of them are not single for their entire lives. On the other hand, you'll never be wrecked by a rough divorce or breakup. If you're someone who doesn't prefer to live alone, you have to think creatively about how to build a household. Our culture doesn't have a script for unrelated people forming non-romantic committed relationships of mutual care.
posted by Comet Bug at 11:41 PM on December 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
On YouTube, Ace Dad Advice is a good role model. He's married to an allosexual man. Yasmin Benoit is a lingerie model.
As far as tips, what do you want to know? I'd say the two biggest challenges of being permanently single are finances (it's more expensive to live alone, and you don't have the security of a second income in your household) and the importance of maintaining a strong support network (because there is no default person you can rely on for help with daily life). Allosexual single people also face these challenges, but most of them are not single for their entire lives. On the other hand, you'll never be wrecked by a rough divorce or breakup. If you're someone who doesn't prefer to live alone, you have to think creatively about how to build a household. Our culture doesn't have a script for unrelated people forming non-romantic committed relationships of mutual care.
posted by Comet Bug at 11:41 PM on December 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
As far as I know, Marga Klompé has never been in a romantic relationship. From the Wikipedia page: "Recognized as one of the main architects of the post-war Dutch welfare state, Klompé was granted the honorary title of Minister of State on 17 July 1971 and continued to comment on political affairs as a stateswoman until her death at the age of 74 and holds the distinction as the first woman government minister in the Netherlands, the first woman awarded the honorary title of Minister of State, and the fifth longest-serving government minister after World War II with a total tenure of 11 years, 145 days."
posted by rjs at 1:42 AM on December 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by rjs at 1:42 AM on December 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I've never partnered, and that was mostly out of circumstance, but now I would never want it to change. I happen to be retired as well and so no one has a claim on my time anymore.
In my experience, being solo leaves you a lot more freedom to do things like...
*) Focus on spirituality, whatever that means to you
*) Eat, exercise, sleep when it's best for you, not having to fit that in around someone else
*) Move to another country and make a life for yourself there... or nomad around for a while
*) Read, listen to music, garden, make art, watch movies, go birding
*) Focus on your friendships and other family relationships
*) Focus on service or volunteer work
A combination of any or all of the above is my suggestion for cultivating a quality solo life.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 2:45 AM on December 29, 2022 [10 favorites]
In my experience, being solo leaves you a lot more freedom to do things like...
*) Focus on spirituality, whatever that means to you
*) Eat, exercise, sleep when it's best for you, not having to fit that in around someone else
*) Move to another country and make a life for yourself there... or nomad around for a while
*) Read, listen to music, garden, make art, watch movies, go birding
*) Focus on your friendships and other family relationships
*) Focus on service or volunteer work
A combination of any or all of the above is my suggestion for cultivating a quality solo life.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 2:45 AM on December 29, 2022 [10 favorites]
I follow Tracee Ellis Ross on Instagram - she is successful, rich, beautiful, well-connected (oh your mom is Diana Ross? OK then!) and single by choice. She talks about it in interviews.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 5:17 AM on December 29, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Lawn Beaver at 5:17 AM on December 29, 2022 [3 favorites]
Best answer: The 1935 Dorothy Sayers mystery Gaudy Night takes place at a women's college, and most of the characters are unmarried female academics. I found their lives inspiring.
Corrie ten Boom was a Dutch woman who, with her family, hid many Jewish people during the Holocaust and worked with the Dutch underground before they were found out and she and her other family members were sent to concentration camps. Wikipedia says it is estimated that 800 Jewish people were saved by her efforts. She wrote a memoir called The Hiding Place. It's been literally decades since I read the book, but I very much remember how, after a disappointing romance when she was young, she decided she would never marry. There is a movie based on the book that appears to be streaming on several platforms.
Also, this may not be your thing, but there are many, many Catholic saints who never married. I liked the movie Molokai: The Story of Father Damien. And Sister Helen Prejean (of Dead Man Walking fame) has written several books about her life, including River of Fire, which covers her early years and how she got into activism against the death penalty.
posted by FencingGal at 6:41 AM on December 29, 2022 [3 favorites]
Corrie ten Boom was a Dutch woman who, with her family, hid many Jewish people during the Holocaust and worked with the Dutch underground before they were found out and she and her other family members were sent to concentration camps. Wikipedia says it is estimated that 800 Jewish people were saved by her efforts. She wrote a memoir called The Hiding Place. It's been literally decades since I read the book, but I very much remember how, after a disappointing romance when she was young, she decided she would never marry. There is a movie based on the book that appears to be streaming on several platforms.
Also, this may not be your thing, but there are many, many Catholic saints who never married. I liked the movie Molokai: The Story of Father Damien. And Sister Helen Prejean (of Dead Man Walking fame) has written several books about her life, including River of Fire, which covers her early years and how she got into activism against the death penalty.
posted by FencingGal at 6:41 AM on December 29, 2022 [3 favorites]
Charlize Theron has been single a long time and has stated she "never wants to get married"
I'm not sure if Mindy Kaling is in a relationship, but she has always presented herself as being single (I guess, besides dating BJ Novak in the past?)
posted by bearette at 6:44 AM on December 29, 2022
I'm not sure if Mindy Kaling is in a relationship, but she has always presented herself as being single (I guess, besides dating BJ Novak in the past?)
posted by bearette at 6:44 AM on December 29, 2022
The Miss Read series. Miss Read (the character) resists all attempts to be set up and rejoices in being single in pretty much every book. Some other series by the same author also feature very happily single people.
posted by JanetLand at 7:05 AM on December 29, 2022
posted by JanetLand at 7:05 AM on December 29, 2022
Sherlock Holmes is my ace idol, but I've run into people who swear up and down I'm misinterpreting the text. (They are, of course, wrong, but I've given up arguing with them.)
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:07 AM on December 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:07 AM on December 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
Jessica Fletcher. Technically, she's a widow, and while she certainly misses her husband and speaks fondly of their time together, she's contentedly single by choice.
She's accomplished, supportive and kind, well connected, endlessly clever and resourceful, can hold her own in literally any situation, has a delightful home and personal wardrobe, engages in many varied interests, and maintains a strong personal network -- friends everywhere, countless nieces and nephews. And yet at her core she's a private kind of person, and you know she's just as happy alone at home reading or working on another novel.
posted by mochapickle at 9:29 AM on December 29, 2022 [4 favorites]
She's accomplished, supportive and kind, well connected, endlessly clever and resourceful, can hold her own in literally any situation, has a delightful home and personal wardrobe, engages in many varied interests, and maintains a strong personal network -- friends everywhere, countless nieces and nephews. And yet at her core she's a private kind of person, and you know she's just as happy alone at home reading or working on another novel.
posted by mochapickle at 9:29 AM on December 29, 2022 [4 favorites]
Diana Athill's wonderful memoirs, particularly Alive, Alive Oh! A full life well lived, deliberately unmarried. She did have romantic & sexual relationships with men but never wanted to be 'domestic'.
posted by EllaEm at 10:20 AM on December 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by EllaEm at 10:20 AM on December 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
Forgot about Asexual Agenda, a gather of various writings.
posted by Comet Bug at 11:51 AM on December 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Comet Bug at 11:51 AM on December 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
The OP of this AVEN thread is coming from a different place than you, but it might still be helpful to you to read through the responses.
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 1:03 PM on December 29, 2022
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 1:03 PM on December 29, 2022
In fiction: Granny Weatherwax in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. An elderly witch who lives alone and frequently has adventures or saves the day, sometimes in her own right or as a side character.
posted by Coaticass at 6:34 PM on December 29, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Coaticass at 6:34 PM on December 29, 2022 [4 favorites]
Claudie Arsenault seems to collect lists of books with aro/ace characters. (the AroAceDatabase seems to be down, but there are still Ace and Aro book recommendation lists). Arsenault has also started posting what looks like it will be a long list of book recommendations on Mastodon (alphabetized by title) with the tag #AspectoZ.
(As for Arsenault's own writing, so far I have only read Baker Thief and it is not what you are looking for - the main characters end up in a relationship. I don't know about Arsenault's other books.)
posted by sibilatorix at 9:44 AM on January 3, 2023
(As for Arsenault's own writing, so far I have only read Baker Thief and it is not what you are looking for - the main characters end up in a relationship. I don't know about Arsenault's other books.)
posted by sibilatorix at 9:44 AM on January 3, 2023
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In the urban fantasy comedy Good Omens, a book / TV show / radio play, Aziraphale and Crowley are central characters who do not have any unambiguously romantic or sexual relationships in canon, which encompasses five thousand years, though many fans believe they're together. They are very close with each other and seem fairly happy with the situation.
In the Golden Age mystery book series Miss Silver (which I haven't read, just basing this off things I've heard about the series), Miss Silver is happily single all her life. Some modern readers have interpreted her as a-spec.
Many of the central characters in the early 20th century realistic fiction children's book Ballet Shoes do not have any romantic or sexual relationships whatsoever, including the main characters, their guardian, their nanny, and their guardian's great uncle. This is not a problem in any way because why would it be??
Charles Dodgson, aka Lewis Carroll, was single all his life. (CW child sexual abuse: Wikipedia page on Charles Dodgson.)
I'll check in later if I think of any more. This is an area of interest for me too, and I'm surprised I couldn't think of any books with canonically aspec characters who do not have romantic relationships. I'm sure I've read some.
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 8:43 PM on December 28, 2022 [1 favorite]