How did you cope with your miscarriage(s)?

December 5, 2022 10:59 PM

I’m going through my second miscarriage and trying to figure out how to get from here to the other side. What helped you through your miscarriages?

My first pregnancy in 2020 ended in a first trimester miscarriage. Then I had my daughter in 2021, and now I’m going through my second miscarriage. We discovered a missed miscarriage last week at our 8 week scan. I had a D&C (my second) and the physical recovery has been relatively easy.

But emotionally it’s just horrible. Worse than the first miscarriage, even though I have one live child who is truly a joy and a gift. I know logically that I have every reason to expect that I can and will carry another pregnancy to term. I also know logically that I just need to get through these very raw early days. But man it just feels bleak.

It also feels like my usually very loving and supportive partner is coming up short in supporting me the way I need right now. It’s hard to articulate how he could do better, I honestly don’t even know what I need from him. But it just feels very lonely, and I feel almost self conscious or embarrassed to talk to him about how much I’m struggling.

There are some old threads here on this topic, and I found it very comforting to read through experiences of what helped folks get through their miscarriages. Especially if they ended up with a successful pregnancy.

So, folks, what did you do to get through it?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total)

I have had a miscarriage and have a child. A few thoughts: are you trying to rationalize your grief somehow? Are you or your partner minimizing it with logical statements? Are you having to put on a brave face for your kiddo? (I was there earlier this year and it completely sucked.) You already know this of course, but the only way out is through.

What got me through was 1) wallowing and 2) fluffy yet absorbing pop culture (today that would be Our Flag Means Death and fanfiction). Sending internet hugs.
posted by Threeve at 11:32 PM on December 5, 2022

I'm so sorry for your loss. There's many answers to this question. Today I give you the answer of poetry, the idea of a system of tender rewards.
posted by socky_puppy at 12:56 AM on December 6, 2022

I had two miscarriages, followed by carrying to term. The first miscarriage, I lost the pregnancy on my own while waiting for the D&C to get scheduled and wound up in the ER, the second, I was able to get the D&C.

The second was far easier, both physically and emotionally. I think a big help was that my hormones reset faster - the hardest part for me was the gap between feeling pregnant with all the symptoms, and knowing I wasn't pregnant anymore.

I moved on by acknowledging the grief, and tuning out any sort of "buck up, pardner" advice about how I could just proceed with another pregnancy, it wasn't meant to be, etc.

I also gave some thought to what I needed from my husband, and we talked about it. He tended to bury his own grief and stress, because he thought he needed to be strong for me, which actually left me feeling really lonely.

So I would ask your partner if they're mashing down their own feelings because they think that would be helpful, and then consider a more unified recovery.
posted by champers at 3:06 AM on December 6, 2022

I had back to back miscarriages in 2007 and 2008 after fertility treatments. I was devastated in all of the ways that you describe with what I felt at the time was the added insult that I wasn't even able to get pregnant on my own. I spent a lot of time feeling frustrated and angry that I couldn't fix the problem which in hindsight was ... pointless but also very necessary. I eventually picked myself up (again) and went on to have my son after 3 IVFs. We had our daughter - for free! - 2.5 years later.

I will say that my pregnancy with my son was incredibly fraught not just because of how precarious it felt but also because of a variety of scares throughout. He is now 12 years old, 5' 7" and impersonates an elephant coming down the stairs. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was incredibly zen because I had reached the point where my son was enough for me. If I miscarried again, so be it. We had already won the lottery as far as I was concerned. She showed up right on time with some fanfare (emergency c-section) but has been a firecracker in our midst for the last 10 years.

So, my advice to you is feel everything that you are feeling. It sucks hard especially in the winter and around the holidays. Give yourself permission to JUST NOT and perhaps ask your partner to take on more of the child care responsibilities so that you can focus on working through the muck.

I got a lot of strength from Winston Churchill's quote: If you're going through hell, keep going. Feel free to MeMail me if you need additional possibly terrible advice.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 7:17 AM on December 6, 2022

I had a miscarriage between my first and second children being born and oh man did it wreck me for a long time. During that time period i often felt simultaneously like my husband was coming up short and also that i was very embarrassed for him to know how much i was struggling. I wound up seeking therapy which was helpful and one thing the therapist recommended was coming up with a grief ritual. It was very hard to tell my husband that i wanted to try this (it seemed like the sort of thing he would scoff at) so i told him in a ‘i don’t need you to think this is a good idea but i need you to do it and do it well, even if it’s just pretend for you’ sort of way. All we did was light a candle in the nursery and read aloud letters we had written to the ‘baby’…but it was very helpful to me and my husband wrote a beautiful letter that reminded me that we really were grieving something together, not separately. It sounds like your loss was very recent (and I’m so, so sorry) so i wouldn’t rush into this if you aren’t ready, but keep it in your back pocket for when you are.

In the meantime: adult coloring books. Movie nights with your firstborn (for the snuggles). Long walks. Sending you my virtual love.
posted by you'rerightyou'rerightiknowyou'reright at 7:56 AM on December 6, 2022

Both of my daughters were stillborn, two years apart. I totally understand the "it just feels bleak." Give yourself time to wallow and feel what you're feeling. I watched a lot of mindless, comforting TV (Great British Baking Show was particularly soothing). I also gave myself permission to NOT respond to texts/calls from well-meaning people who said things like "it wasn't meant to be" and "now you have another angel looking over you!" I started gently correcting family members and friends that you don't "get over" something like this, but rather you can and do "get through" it.

Long walks in nature helped. And I opted out of all holiday decorations/festivities because I just couldn't.

My partner was the same way, until I told him that I was ready to talk about it. Then he was relieved - he had been waiting. We started talking about our shared grief daily, and we still do from time to time, years later.

I found Kate Ingliss' Notes for the Everlost: A Field Guide to Grief to be especially helpful (and beautifully written), as it explores the process of both grief and moving forward.

Basically, give yourself permission to feel this, to accept that this grief isn't linear (it will ebb and flow), and that you will get through it in due time.

tafetta, darling! has the right Churchhill quote, too.

Virtual hugs and love to you.
posted by writermcwriterson at 8:16 AM on December 6, 2022

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had an early miscarriage before having my kids. Like others have said above, give yourself permission and lots of time to be sad. Watch stupid TV shows - for me watching loads of episodes of Wipe Out was therapeutic because watching other people get hurt (safely though!) matched how hurt I was feeling. Agree that your partner is most likely grieving too and not knowing how to connect. Talk talk talk. Talk about how shit it all is. Cry together. After a few weeks we went on a walk together, sat on a bench with a glorious view and said goodbye to our unknown Nova.

Sending love to you.
posted by atlantica at 8:51 AM on December 6, 2022

I had a miscarriage when my daughter was 18 months. The whole thing was so fast and painless that I thought I processed it fast and painlessly...but I hadn't. What helped me was going to therapy with someone who focuses on infertility, loss, and early parenting years. She was able to help me point out ways to grieve. In some ways, because I had kid 1 already, I felt I should be able to move on and just stayed logistically focused on her instead of giving myself time and space to process. So what helped was having that weekly therapy appt to talk about my grief and loss in ways that felt accessible but not overwhelming. What also helped was being really open with all my friends about it -- this happened and here is how I'm doing with it. I hated hated hated that feeling of secret stigma. I'm sorry this happened to you and sending you a warm hug.
posted by neematoad at 9:56 AM on December 6, 2022

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's just awful. Things that helped me that might help you:
-Talking to other women who've been through similar experiences
-Therapy with a practitioner who specializes in issues of pregnancy and parenting
-Listening to Taylor Swift records and crying (Try "Bigger Than the Whole Sky")
-The passage of time
-Being done-done with childbearing (my partner got a vasectomy) and it's been a relief to not wonder about becoming pregnant and possibly miscarrying again

All of your feelings are valid, and you're not alone in this.
posted by bonheur at 12:19 PM on December 6, 2022

Seconding the "brave face"/muscling through for the kiddo problem. It took DH and my son being away for almost a week for me to be able to sit with my feelings, have some good cries, and feel like I'd actually metabolized anything.

I don't know that I'm coping particularly well. DH thinks I seem stressed and wants me to stop reading/looking at things, but feeling like I'm doing all that I can is basically all I've got at this point. It's lonely AF, and while finding others can help, so many are in such different places, especially for those of us with secondary issues, that it still isn't quite the support I'd like.
posted by DebetEsse at 1:41 PM on December 6, 2022

We've gone through three miscarriages in the past two years. It is unlikely that we'll try again.

Things that helped my wife (according to her) include:
Grieving rituals
Reading and talking about similar experiences
Therapy
A pregnancy loss clinic with counseling sessions

I'd say that we're both pretty raw and worn out from the experiences. It really helps that we have a truly excellent child already who just today asked me "when was the first morning?".
posted by Acari at 5:02 PM on December 6, 2022

First off, big big hugs to you, miscarriages are AWFUL. I'll spare you the gory details of mine, but I will say that even having one early on in my first pregnancy in 2021 made it really difficult for me to find the joy and excitement over the background anxiety for the first trimester of my subsequent pregnancy this year (it ends on a happy note, I now have an almost 8 week old who's changed my life in a million ways).

I had a few things that really helped me grieve and heal (aside from my partner):
- an outpouring of support from anyone I told. The commiseration meant so much.
- my mother in law quite literally holding my hand through some of the worst of it, and metaphorically so for months after... She's had seven pregnancies and three children (my partner was old enough to remember in that little-kid way one of her later ones, that "mom was sick, and sad" so he gave her a stuffed bunny to help her feel better), and I really took it to heart when she told me that every pregnancy and every miscarriage is different.
- joining a forum by an artist I love for the support thread related to this Youtube video. The particular thread is Patron-locked, but as she always says, you can join the Patreon for $1 and then leave after a month if you need to. I found a miscarriage buddy/ Internet Pen Pal through that thread, and it's a place where people are kind and help you sit with the complexity of this particular grief.
- therapy, and being okay with the complexity and nuance of my grief... Believe me, I still cry over it when certain things hit me a certain way.
- accepting that I can't logic my way out of this. I thought I was prepared by the statistics going in... Nope. A grief this big pushes logic right out of the window, and sometimes the best thing to do to heal is to (to kinda quote the artist) go into the darkness to find/make light. We'll sit here with you and help you locate the proverbial flint or fairy dust to light the way.

Sending you all the best wishes for support and healing of all the parts of you that need it.
posted by OhHaieThere at 7:18 PM on December 6, 2022