Christmas songs for the horny and immature

December 4, 2022 5:44 PM

There are two types of holiday songs I like; traditional religious/winter carols as outlined in capricorn’s recent ask, and songs that are extended immature sex jokes. Please help me find more songs in the latter category to make my Christmas playlist of extremely jarring tonal shifts complete.

The more crude and immature the humor the better—Baby It’s Cold Outside, Santa Baby, and All I Want for Christmas is You are all more coy/cutesy than I prefer. I’m also not interested in non-sexual humor/novelty songs, e.g. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.

Things I already love

Clarence Carter-Back Door Santa

Rufus Thomas-I’ll Be Your Santa Baby

Ella Fitzgerald-Santa Claus Got Stuck in my Chimney

Pansy Division-Homo Christmas

posted by ActionPopulated to Media & Arts (28 answers total)

This comes to mind. It might not be what you're looking for, it does run into some diminishing returns as it continues.
posted by infinitewindow at 5:52 PM on December 4, 2022

Kip Addotta “I saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus”
posted by Melismata at 5:52 PM on December 4, 2022 [1 favorite]

This is more of a visual gag, but once you've watched the video perhaps the mental image when it comes up on your playlist will provide that special feeling you're looking for:

Carol of the Belts by Here Come the Mummies
posted by BrashTech at 5:55 PM on December 4, 2022 [2 favorites]

Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings’ Big Bulbs.
posted by zamboni at 5:56 PM on December 4, 2022 [1 favorite]

John Legend and Stephen Colbert's Nutmeg
JD McPherson's Holly, Carol, Candy & Joy
posted by Nekosoft at 5:57 PM on December 4, 2022 [1 favorite]

I haven't seen it yet but it sounds like you would very much enjoy Matt Rogers's comedy/cabaret special Have You Heard of Christmas?. From the review I linked: "More often than not, Rogers’s Christmas is about sex appeal, but it’s sexiness that’s gone just a bit too far, as if someone took “Santa Baby” and added a verse about fingering."
posted by mskyle at 6:10 PM on December 4, 2022

SomaFM online radio has a station called XMas in Frisko, and this is what you want.
posted by Hypatia at 6:23 PM on December 4, 2022

Lady Gaga - Christmas Tree
posted by sigmagalator at 6:30 PM on December 4, 2022 [1 favorite]

I had a distant memory of "2 Live Christmas," and searching for its lyrics led me to a Billboard magazine article from last year with several suggestions: "XXXmas: 10 Inappropriate Christmas Releases."
posted by Wobbuffet at 6:38 PM on December 4, 2022

Big Freedia Santa is a Gay Man
posted by chrisulonic at 6:48 PM on December 4, 2022 [2 favorites]

Santa’s Beard by They Might Be Giants

Once a year my friend puts on a red suit
And hangs around with me and my wife
Now I can't help but feeling jealous
Each time she climbs on his knee

And she stands beneath the mistletoe screaming
For him to stand beneath the mistletoe, screaming
Now I can't help but feeling jealous each time she climbs on his knee
Why must she climb on his knee?
posted by ejs at 7:02 PM on December 4, 2022 [1 favorite]

I've Got a Boner for Christmas
posted by capricorn at 7:16 PM on December 4, 2022 [1 favorite]

“I’ve Got Some Presents for Santa” by Sarah Taylor and Bill Mumy.
posted by xenization at 8:43 PM on December 4, 2022

The Soul Sisters - Wreck a Buddy / Prince Buster - Wreck a Pum Pum

The lyrics, while filthy, have nothing to do with Christmas, but you'll recognize the melody.
posted by hydrophonic at 9:02 PM on December 4, 2022

I want a Boob Job for Christmas
posted by SquidLips at 9:06 PM on December 4, 2022

The Arkells Pub Crawl is pretty crude and immature, though not really sexual. You might like it.
posted by DEiBnL13 at 9:26 PM on December 4, 2022

A little ChapHop from Mr. B with "Oh Santa!"
posted by Wild_Eep at 9:47 PM on December 4, 2022

Mrs Claus Has Menopause
posted by brujita at 10:20 PM on December 4, 2022

Christmas balls, Christmas balls
I got great big Christmas balls
Paint 'em up like Santa Claus
I've got Christmas balls

And big +1 to "Nutmeg" linked above.
posted by rhiannonstone at 10:43 PM on December 4, 2022

It's Christmastime for my penis, by the Vandals
posted by Hermione Dies at 12:31 AM on December 5, 2022

I think you’ll like this one:

Broadway Barbara - Let’s Cozy Up (Put Your Hands In My Muff)
posted by mochapickle at 12:59 AM on December 5, 2022 [1 favorite]

Also, I wish there were a soundtrack version but this one from Anna and the Apocalypse was an unexpected delight: It’s That Time of Year
posted by mochapickle at 1:10 AM on December 5, 2022 [1 favorite]

Not a specific song, but SomaFM's "Xmas in Frisco" station may lead you to some discoveries - it's description is "SomaFM's wacky and eclectic holiday mix. Not for the easily offended."

https://somafm.com/player/#/now-playing/xmasinfrisko
posted by BekahVee at 6:34 AM on December 5, 2022

Bob Rivers's Walking 'Round in Women's Underwear brings me much holiday joy.

"Later on, if you wanna, we can dress like Madonna..."
posted by the matching mole at 7:31 AM on December 5, 2022 [2 favorites]

Santa Lost a Ho by the Christmas Jug Band is able to be read both straight and dirty.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:28 AM on December 5, 2022

Arnie Aardvark - I want a blow-up doll for Christmas was a staple of Dr. Demento's Christmastime shows.

You might also have luck skimming that show's playlists: Click on any year here, and then the show or two just before Christmas. (The era I'm familiar with usually had two-weeks' worth of Christmas and holiday tunes, but that may have changed throughout the years).
posted by brentajones at 1:04 PM on December 5, 2022

I'm just gonna throw in Al Green's Feels Like Christmas in here. Completely tame lyrics, but it sounds like the soundtrack to Santa-themed 70s softcore...
posted by blerghamot at 5:52 PM on December 5, 2022

H Town's Knocking Boots for Christmas.
Jimmy Butler's Trim Your Tree
posted by vespabelle at 8:13 PM on December 5, 2022