I think I need to quit my toxic job, but how?

November 20, 2022 1:32 PM

Struggling with the human aspect of leaving these kids behind

I work in a therapeutic role at a school for kids with behavior problems. I love my kids. When I am happy at work I am so, so happy because the work is fulfilling and joyful in a way that's hard to describe. I have a great relationship with all of them and have loved watching them make progress these past few months.

But... I think this job is going to destroy me. My boss is a very good person. She has taught me a lot and helps me run sessions when I'm overwhelmed. She's tried to mentor me and has backed me up in some of my hardest moments. But she also takes frequent, extravagant vacations for weeks at a time. Even when she's in the country she seldom works a full week. When she is here she's a huge micromanager. She combs through every word of our reports. She insists that we document progress in a way that's counterintuitive and simply does not work. She also pushes us to do things that feel like pseudoscience to me and I'm really uncomfortable with it.

She also micromanages me the absolute most, especially lately. My one coworker is an hour and a half late to work everyday. Both of them don't do their notes and hand in reports late. She doesn't even read their reports or know when they're due. My one coworker has literally come to work high and no one is on her for anything, at least not lately. I am on time, I do my notes and my reports, but it's like no matter what I do I get criticized. I also haven't been fully trained on how to actually do this job despite the fact that I've been here 8 months and have gotten in trouble in a very public way (think: called out in meetings in front of everyone, including admin) for not doing things I have never been trained on and had no idea I had to do in the first place. It's embarrassing and I feel like everyone thinks I'm an idiot. I may be projecting but that's how it feels.

On top of all of that, I have some very serious ethical concerns with how these kids are being treated. Without getting into too many specifics, think of a seclusion room being overused, food being used as a reinforcer, kids being physically managed in a way that I'm afraid is hurting them. I've already run into one major ethical dilemma that was (to use another therapist's words) "disturbing and scary" and while that situation has been stopped for now they have historically had to bring in mediators because these situations get so heated. I don't want to deal with that. The turnover rate for therapists is very high because no one wants to deal with that. It's exhausting and disheartening and draining.

On Friday I basically had a meltdown and ended up crying in my office for an hour. This is not like me at all. I am calm and composed and don't lose it at work like that. I got in trouble for not forcing a kid in the throes of a terrible meltdown to be compliant. I don't think forced compliance is in anyone's best interest, but I got in trouble for that, then in more trouble for cancelling my last session of the day. I can't do it. My coworker came to work high and no one said anything or noticed. I'm having multiple people come at me for cancelling a session because I was sobbing. It's painfully unfair and it's hard not to feel singled out.

But... the kids. I really want to help these kids. I absolutely hate to think of them stuck in this school being basically mistreated. And there's nothing I can do. No laws are being broken; it is simply the kind of therapy they are being subjected to and the way this school is run. Even if there were laws being broken the school is run by a wealthy organization and admin is charismatic, charming, white, and educated. Nothing would be done.

Plus, I have never worked in a place where people are so, so hostile and nasty to each other. They act nice to your face but are cruel behind your back. No one ever takes responsibility... they point fingers and blame others and there is so much gossip. It is absolutely exhausting and I'm afraid they're basically going to bully the hell out of me if I resign until I'm gone.

So.... I should leave, yes? I should leave now and not wait for the year to end? I want to just go now but the guilt of leaving these kids feels crushing. If you've been in a similar situation, how have you dealt with the guilt? I really feel for my boss and the other therapists too, despite their faults. This is going to make their lives so much harder and I hate that for them. How do you handle any possible retaliation if there is no one to turn to? I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack when I think about going in tomorrow. I have no idea how I'd get through a few more weeks (I'd probably try to work until Christmas).

Plus, the logistics are impossible. I'm going to have pay a ton to break my lease. Moving across states (I'd go back to NY) is so expensive. It's not like this field pays the big bucks. How do I make the finances work?

posted by Amy93 to Human Relations (23 answers total)

It feels to me like this is a “put on your own oxygen mask first” situations.

I used to teach. I wasn’t working with as challenging a population as yours, but I felt some of the same guilt when leaving the profession.

Your work environment sounds toxic, so staying there any longer than necessary would be a form of self abandonment and self harm. No one but you is going to protect you. I say this with a lot of empathy for the kids you work with, but you should not have to destroy yourself to help them.

My mental health got a lot better when I left what was a toxic situation in teaching.

If you can get yourself to a place of safety, then you can raise concerns about the way your workplace is run.
posted by alphanerd at 2:11 PM on November 20, 2022 [19 favorites]

One thing to keep in mind: in my experience of working over 30 years, people who work for non-profits are generally more toxic than folks who work for for-profit. I left non-profit after 17 years to work for a big corporation and ... people are nice! Respectful! They don't yell at you for not doing enough! Am not sure what it is, I think people (mostly women IME) think that because they're helping to save the world, they can be smug about it. Or something. The pettiness, the refusal to help others, the way they made it literally impossible to get certifications unless you could read their minds ... I don't want to encourage or discourage you in any way, but know that if you leave this job, you're likely to find another one that could be worse.
posted by Melismata at 2:14 PM on November 20, 2022 [18 favorites]

Well, I've worked in non-profit spaces my whole career and it can be a bit social work saviory... but I'm not sure you'll find very many this toxic, yikes. This sounds horrific, and I promise there are thousands of better, more fulfilling jobs in your field out there.

You are allowed to leave. You also don't need to give any notice. Your boss does not sound like the kind of person who is going to be all that helpful for you in future job searches, whether you leave now, Christmas, or in 10 years. She's the kind of self-centered, savior-complexed, monomaniacal bully who is always going to blame you for whatever you do.

Whatever support you have, whether personal, familial, and collegial: call it in NOW. When you talk about finances and moving, what are the first steps, to keep you stable and floating? Would that mean staying in your current apartment and running out the lease, maybe get a temp job or bartending gig to keep a little cash coming in? Would it be possible to stay with family rent free for a bit to build up some cash for your next apartment? Do you have any friends or professional acquaintances that you can just talk to, to get it off your chest and have an empathetic ear and insights for next steps? Can you assign a person in your life - a bestie or sister, etc. - that can help you keep a list of potential jobs you can go to and other financial floats, so you have something you are working toward?
posted by RajahKing at 2:37 PM on November 20, 2022 [9 favorites]

I realize this will be heartbreaking to read but I think it will help you decide: it’s clear there’s nothing you can do for these kids even if you stay, because you’re not able to change the program from within. All staying will accomplish is participating in what you view as unethical treatment of the kids WHILE destroying yourself.

Quit, tell them why, tell them you appreciate [whatever you appreciate about your boss or the program] and would return if x y and z would change.

You sound so caring, there has to be a program you believe in that would love to have you and those kids need your skills and heart just as much.
posted by kapers at 3:03 PM on November 20, 2022 [16 favorites]

You've got to get out of there, ASAP. When a job is giving you sobbing fits and panic attacks, it's time to run like hell. Please, leave now.

Years ago I worked in a healthcare setting, handling patients in workers' comp cases. These were badly injured or chronically ill patients, many of them immigrants who spoke little English. It was hard, grim work. I didn't have proper training and the equipment was old and cruddy, but I felt like I was at least doing some good in the world by showing the patients some kindness and patience when they badly needed it. But as I look back now, I wonder if I did more harm than good. Even if I was nice to these suffering people, I wasn't giving them the care they actually needed. Even if my intentions were good, even if it felt like I was doing good in the moment, ultimately I was just another cog in a malfunctioning machine. In the long run, the work we did may have made people sicker.

Maybe you feel like you'd be abandoning the kids by leaving, but right now you're participating in a system that you feel may actually be doing them harm. It sounds like you don't think you can change the way things are done there, so your only choices are to either leave or stick around and be part of a harmful system. Leaving won't be easy, but the best thing you could do for kids with these issues is to get yourself into a better situation, where you can actually help them.

Hearing you talk about your boss and co-workers, it kind of reminds me of how people rationalize the behavior of their abusive partners. "No, they're good and kind... except for these terrible things they do!" Your boss is so wonderful, except for her endless and extravagant vacations and how she micromanages you while she lets other people wander around stoned on the job. You care for them, but you worry about "retaliation" if you leave. Everything about this situation is toxic and you need to get the hell out.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:05 PM on November 20, 2022 [16 favorites]

Your boss's treatment of you risks leaving you with long-term work-related trauma. However:

On top of all of that, I have some very serious ethical concerns with how these kids are being treated.

This, by itself, is reason enough to get out NOW and report what you have witnessed to the relevant authorities and/or the media. I would even argue that you have an ethical obligation to withdraw your labour from this organization.

I hate to say this since you're (evidently) in that field, but ABA is abuse. ABA is often even torture. Take some time to go read up on what autistic adults have to say about ABA and its long-term psychological effects. You are in a unique position to speak out about what you've witnessed because you are a person with credibility as an "insider" in the field.

I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack when I think about going in tomorrow.

Call in sick. You are in no condition to work tomorrow. This will give you a little bit of breathing room to figure out the logistics of getting out.
posted by heatherlogan at 3:09 PM on November 20, 2022 [17 favorites]

You are not alone:

Why I left ABA, 2015 blog post by a former behavioural therapist

Why I went from loving ABA practices to hating them, 2019 article on Psych Central

Why professional behavior analysts are leaving the field

Confessions of a Previous ABA Technician
posted by heatherlogan at 3:19 PM on November 20, 2022 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: I am an OT, not an ABA therapist so trash them all you want lol. I am aware of the trauma it causes and disagree with their approach on principle. A lot of my conflict has stemmed from trying and failing to convince some of the behavior therapists of a gentler approach. Thanks for the replies so far.
posted by Amy93 at 3:20 PM on November 20, 2022 [3 favorites]

Tons of good advice above. I just wanted to add a few things:
- whatever deity or karmic force you may subscribe to may be steering you in a direction that will be good for all involved (kind of like getting off the highway when you see the traffic stopped and a lot of flashing lights and smoke ahead).
- "Not Asking for Help" is a mistake that often occurs because it's a passive not active mistake. To be clear, I am not talking about help from where you work. I am highlighting the advice given by RajahKing above about calling in any and all family, favors, wisdom, counsel, etc. to help you get through this (likely) once in a lifetime crisis!!!
- I would also describe some of your work-day as "beyond the pale" (in the original meaning, as things that go on far from the central warmth and light of the village) but also in the modern meaning (outside the bounds of what is acceptable, or regarded as good judgment, morality, ethics, etc.). So it's clearly not you.
For what it's worth.
posted by forthright at 3:28 PM on November 20, 2022 [1 favorite]

Get a new job where you live. Don't move for now, start looking at once. Once you have told yourself you have permission to leave, do your best until you have new work, any work. It is a workers market in some places. You will have an easier time finding new work right now, because right now a lot of newly unemployed folks will wait until after the holidays to look for work. Cut yourself loose by getting new work, even if it is seasonal employment. They say it is easier to get a job if you already have one.
posted by Oyéah at 3:28 PM on November 20, 2022 [6 favorites]

Yes. Quit.
posted by atomicstone at 4:38 PM on November 20, 2022

As everyone else has said, you are clearly not in a space where staying in the organization is going to do anyone any good. Not you and not the kids. So now turn your attention to how you can best help those kids or other kids like them from a different place or a different perspective. Let that guide your next career move, if for no other reason than it allows you to reconcile your currently conflicting impulses of helping the kids and helping yourself. Find a job where you can feel that you are doing some good and not burning yourself out.
posted by DrGail at 5:16 PM on November 20, 2022 [1 favorite]

As a therapist who has worked in toxic places where I loved my clients and was reluctant to leave them, I know how you feel! You just have to get out though. You can't destroy your mental health for this job. Not to mention, there are other kids out there waiting for you to be there therapist in a better work environment for you. You can do good elsewhere. It will be sad to leave the clients, but believe me, you'll feel relieved.
posted by bearette at 5:25 PM on November 20, 2022 [3 favorites]

I'd document everything you need to before you quit (which you should do as soon as possible). If your coworkers are prone to blaming others, you could potentially make a convenient scapegoat once you aren't there to defend yourself so CYA.
posted by daikaisho at 5:54 PM on November 20, 2022 [2 favorites]

I have had to leave terrible work environments as an educator in K-12. You feel bad because you have a strong moral compass, and you want to help people. But staying may end up doing more harm than good. I speak a little from experience watching some former co-workers at the school where I worked 10+ years ago (and my kids went but I pulled them at the same time I left) get shut down due to terrible things happening to children. Obviously not everyone was involved, but their names and careers are now associated with a school that was found in multiple courts of law to have neglected the best interests of the children it was supposed to serve. No one will protect your best interests better than you. And taking a stance and doing what is right is one way of acting as a roll model for others. OTs are in demand everywhere, and you will most likely be able to find another position. Trust me when I tell you, I have not ever looked back from leaving bad work environment. The relief I felt is something I hope for you.
posted by momochan at 5:55 PM on November 20, 2022 [4 favorites]

I'm having some similar issues, and even though my heart breaks for the little ones, if I had enough cash in my bank account to break my lease, I would be gone.

Your boss might be a good person, but is not a good boss.

They will burn you out and then throw you away.
posted by betweenthebars at 7:00 PM on November 20, 2022 [3 favorites]

Get out - get out - get out

good resource: https://www.askamanager.org/

From askamanager. org "resigning

You’re resigning! Here’s what to say when you quit, when to do it, who to tell first, and why you don’t need a resignation letter."
posted by Barbara Spitzer at 7:54 PM on November 20, 2022 [1 favorite]

No matter how many times I see it (in others and myself) it always amazes me to see people say, "my boss/partner/coworker/friend/family member is great" followed by several paragraphs of absolutely horrific descriptions.

I'm not saying you should quit. I'm saying that when, not if, you quit, you'll be telling yourself, "I can't believe I didn't leave sooner."
posted by AlSweigart at 9:05 PM on November 20, 2022 [2 favorites]

You should quit, and on the way out write a letter explaining all your concerns and send it to the higher ups at your company and also the special education directors of the districts that send their kids to you. Tell the districts they should come do classroom observations. I am in a similar field to you but work on the district side, and that happened at one of our nonpublic schools so now we're systematically moving our kids to other schools when their IEPs come up.
posted by Nickel at 9:32 PM on November 20, 2022 [1 favorite]

It might helpful to realize how very many, many people there are, just in your city, who could really benefit from your help. These kids have your heart because they are the ones in front of you but if you quit, I guarantee you that you can find other workplaces with clients that you can connect with and care about AND, with just a little luck and some discernment, a workplace that will support you in doing a good job (or at least not be so toxic about it)
posted by metahawk at 9:46 PM on November 20, 2022 [2 favorites]

I think that you should leave, yes. But it probably depends on your finances whether it's feasible for you to quit immediately, or whether you need to come up with a plan.

Before you start making a plan, I think you need to ensure that you are not holding any guilt.

Definitely do not feel guilty about leaving your coworkers, manager etc. Fuck those people. They sound awful.

You also have no need to feel guilty about leaving the kids. You unfortunately cannot fix this broken system. You will still be doing so much good in the world wherever you work.

Then you can start planning.

Can you find another job in your current location?

If you do decide to move, what will your relocation costs be? If you need to break your lease, do you have the option of finding someone to take over the lease and maybe avoid the fee?

If you are not able to quit immediately, how can you make your job more bearable?

Are there some things you can mentally check out about? Let all the bullshit float past you. Or even speak up about it. There are some abrasive personalities where pushing back just a little bit in the right way is really effective in getting them to stop.

Focus on the amazing and fulfilling parts of the job. Then go home and engage yourself in fulfilling friendships and activities. Do not let the workplace encroach on the rest of your life.

Wishing you all the best with it
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:14 AM on November 21, 2022

I'm a behavioral specialist sped person and believe me, I know exactly what you mean about the organizational shitshow and staff that are ultimately harming kids. I know all about the overusage of the seclusion room and forced compliance.

Just quit. Here's the thing: pre-COVID there were a lot of shitty special education practices, but there was some movement towards trauma-based teaching and allowing neurodivergent kids to blossom organically.

Post-COVID, it's worse than it's ever been. Kids are all traumatized and the loudest and meanest educators are running the show, going back to incredibly punitive and idiotic ways of controlling kids.

I support several schools and they have ALL moved from PBIS into the very common use of "reset" spaces and detentions, etc.

I love the kids and I feel for the kids, but I also am a human being who wants to be able to sleep at night, so I'm leaving the profession.

I give you permission to leave also. Reach out if you want to talk more.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:51 AM on November 21, 2022 [7 favorites]

There are places where you can do the work you love, but where your boss will be better and your coworkers will be better and the bullshit paperwork will be (slightly) less bullshitty. I don't work in your field, but I work in a related field where I'm also helping kids and adults who often end up in facilities like yours. There are better and worse ones--both from the perspective of how the kids are treated, and from the perspective of staff mentality--and it sounds like you work in one of the worse ones. Go find a job in one of the better ones (and if you talk to colleagues in your field but outside your organization who share your mindset, you'll find people who can tell you which ones those are. If you want to message me, happy to share what I know, because I did an audit a few years ago of a dozen or so facilities). Report the one you're at now to all the relevant authorities. But your job is hard enough without a boss who is mean to you, and both you and the kids you serve deserve to have you focusing your energy on them, not on paperwork and fighting your administrators.

A person like you who cares and advocates for a child and shows them that there are adults in the world who hear them when they express their needs can truly be life changing for a kid with serious behavioral health needs. But you can't be that person if you're so burned out from dealing with the admin bullshit that you burn out. Put on your own mask first, and then find a place where your skills and your voice are valued, where you can really be of use. And then report the shit out of these other adults who are abusing children.

Thank you so much for the work you do. I can't tell you how much it means to those of us who have to watch kids we care for be placed in institutions to find adults there who are genuinely invested in trying to help them come through that experience okay.
posted by decathecting at 7:47 AM on November 21, 2022