Hot to Halt Friendship Micromanagement

November 18, 2022 4:53 AM

College roommate from many years ago wants me to socialize with her ex-husband, and I'm not interested.

My roommate from college and I stay in distant touch via an annual "happy birthday" text and via maybe one or two additional texts per year. Her ex-husband (been divorced for about 20 years), is happily remarried, and lives in a city near mine. I dated him briefly and extremely casually when we were in college, and when I went home for a visit one weekend, he and my roommate got together. It was a blow to my youthful ego at the time, but I really was never that into him so I very quickly got over it.

A few months ago, roommate texted me a photo of the two of them together at her graduation party decades ago. Roommate will soon be visiting relatives in ex-husband's city, so she and I are going to get together for a bit. She recently texted, "I'm going to invite ex-husband to our get-together because I know he'd like to see you." He'd like to see me? Why? How does she know? And why is she involving herself in his social life? If he and I want to be friends, we can develop a relationship without her taking it upon herself to be friendship matchmaker.

I just want to get together with her; I don't want him tagging along. I just don't get what is going on. I would much welcome any advice.

posted by SageTrail to Human Relations (13 answers total)

Is there a reason you can't say, "I'd really prefer it just be the two of us - we have so much to catch up on"?
posted by Sweetie Darling at 4:59 AM on November 18, 2022 [24 favorites]

Some people are “the more the merrier” types who like to get people together, especially if they live nearby. It’s not necessarily any deeper than that.

Just say “I appreciate the thought but I’d love to catch up just the two of us.” If you want control, be the person who makes the reservations.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:00 AM on November 18, 2022 [49 favorites]

I think warriorqueen probably has it, both the reason and the best response. If there is any deeper reason there, you're probably better off not involving yourself in it.
posted by eirias at 5:46 AM on November 18, 2022 [1 favorite]

Might be less about her wanting you to socialize with her ex, and more about using you as a buffer / killing two birds with one stone. She wants to check off "socialize with SageTrail, ex" and can do it by seeing you both at the same time. She might also be managing appearances – if you're there it doesn't look like two old flames getting back together for whatever.

But warriorqueen has the response right.
posted by jzb at 6:00 AM on November 18, 2022 [4 favorites]

It's common, when visiting a place where you have multiple acquaintances but insufficient time (or desire) to see any of them one-on-one, to suggest a group meetup. It's uncommon to let your multiple acquaintances know that you have insufficient time (or desire) to see any of them one-on-one.
posted by kevinbelt at 6:43 AM on November 18, 2022 [10 favorites]

I employ this strategy as detailed by kevin belt when going to the US but only with mutual friends who like one another. warriorqueen has the winning response. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:46 AM on November 18, 2022 [2 favorites]

Maybe she feels vaguely guilty about diving in on the guy when your back was turned all those years ago, and wants everyone to do a whole demonstrative no-hard-feelings thing?

You don’t need to play along, though.
posted by Puppy McSock at 6:48 AM on November 18, 2022 [2 favorites]

Best answer: If warriorqueen's script doesn't work - if she pushes back or says "oh but I already invited him" or whatever - you can absolutely say "I really don't want this to be a whole thing, you two have fun catching up and I'll see you next time you're in town." You do not have to participate in... whatever this is. (I would be looking for the chance to do this, honestly - it's totally valid to try to maximize your hangout time, but you do that by asking people if they are interested in a group hang, not announcing it after the initial plans are made.)
posted by restless_nomad at 6:52 AM on November 18, 2022 [18 favorites]

Response by poster: Pardon my thread-sit, but restless_nomad made me realize exactly what was bothering me so much: Roommate failed to ask if I was interested in the group hang and, instead announced it after the initial plans were made. (Advice from the rest of you is excellent, too.)
posted by SageTrail at 7:40 AM on November 18, 2022

I think you are reading a lot into this that might not be there. A one time meetup among friends who all knew each other at the same time is competely normal behaviour when they are all going to be in the same place at the same time. There isn't an expectation of long term friendship rekindling in this sort of reunion.

She was married to him, she probably does know (or at least think she knows) if he generally remembers you fondly as a person he would love to reminisce about college with or if he is still embarassed to have thrown you over for her. If she believes both of you to be unbothered by what happened, this seems like an obvious sort of 'old friends get together' opportunity.

Or maybe she still feels guilty about that and the is her way to try to normalize what happened all those years ago. If it wasn't for the love triangle aspect, what she is proposing would be quite normal. If you would rather just keep it between the two of you, then say that. But be aware that you may be seen as the one who explicitly does not want to see him ever again, and you might give the impression that you are quite a lot less over things than you say you are.

It doesn't honestly sound like your relationship with her is important enough to you that you need to worry about whether she does or doesn't think you are over her ex-man, anyway. So other than the possibility that it will make your time with her more awkward, as well, I don't think there's much downside to you here in saying you would rather not see him.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:41 AM on November 18, 2022 [2 favorites]

Just a data point supporting @warriorqueen's take, but I have a close friend who lives nearby and just about every time we make plans, she'll bring another person along, without checking with me. Enough that I have to remind myself to be specific with her that I need to request that we hang out 1 on 1.

I am not at all wired that way, but some people are. Well within reason for you to specify what you are interested in doing with your friend.
posted by RajahKing at 8:02 AM on November 18, 2022 [2 favorites]

This doesn't strike me as unusual in the slightest, unless there is some kind of bad blood between you and roommate's ex-husband (clearly there isn't between roommate and her ex). You're three people who know each other from college, and it seems normal that she'd arrange see both of you together during the limited time she's going to be in town. If anything, roommate is likely to be closer with her ex-husband than she is with you (they were once married, after all, and it sounds like she has a closer relationship with him than she does with you right now). Roommates remark that "I know he'd like to see you" strikes me as not different from what someone might say about any former classmate who hadn't seen you in many years. Also, maybe from her perspective she's inviting you along to her get-together with him and not the other way around.

I guess I don't get it. Is it that you dislike or actively don't want to see roommate's ex-husband such that you would rather not see roommate if her ex-husband will be there? Or is it that you really want to see roommate one-on-one? And/or is it that you resent roommate inviting ex-husband along because reasons?

All that said, if this is a meaningful boundary for you, you should absolutely assert it.
posted by slkinsey at 8:22 AM on November 18, 2022 [4 favorites]

The mutual ex is a bruise and although it healed, you haven't forgotten what caused the injury in the first place: both of these people putting you second in their lives. And now she's hurt your feelings by putting you second again.

She's not trying to make you friends with the ex, she's just multitasking. But it's OK to want to catch up with her and not him too.

You can say, "I don't feel like like.catching up with ex. I can't multitask these days and would like to focus on catching up with you. Can we carve out a couple of hours before you go meet him? Otherwise let's just chat on the phone"
posted by jello at 10:05 AM on November 18, 2022 [7 favorites]