Do I apologize?
November 15, 2022 8:02 AM Subscribe
I did something stupid. Help me recover.
I recently discovered an ex is likely seeing someone else. In a moment of sheer rage and sadness, I deleted all of our content together across social media platforms and Google Photo shared albums, which includes photos of their family.
It's the morning, and I already regret it.
I've already tried to restore them through contacting support, but it's proving impossible. I feel super bad.
I'm wondering if I should contact to apologize and explain? We've been no contact since, and likely don't really want to talk unless we need to. I feel super guilty, and stupid. As a necessary detail, this ex can be really challenging to communicate with.
I recently discovered an ex is likely seeing someone else. In a moment of sheer rage and sadness, I deleted all of our content together across social media platforms and Google Photo shared albums, which includes photos of their family.
It's the morning, and I already regret it.
I've already tried to restore them through contacting support, but it's proving impossible. I feel super bad.
I'm wondering if I should contact to apologize and explain? We've been no contact since, and likely don't really want to talk unless we need to. I feel super guilty, and stupid. As a necessary detail, this ex can be really challenging to communicate with.
If your ex wanted to retain those photos, they needed to download them/back them up themself - you deleted this stuff out of disappointment/spite but you could just have easily done this to save on storage space or because you needed to lock down your social media presence.
This is not a good excuse to get back in touch with your ex. Leave it.
posted by mskyle at 8:08 AM on November 15, 2022 [73 favorites]
This is not a good excuse to get back in touch with your ex. Leave it.
posted by mskyle at 8:08 AM on November 15, 2022 [73 favorites]
1. Nobody should share a social media account.
2. Nobody should be expected to keep pictures of their ex on their social media platforms.
3. Don't contact your ex over this.
posted by jmsta at 8:08 AM on November 15, 2022 [32 favorites]
2. Nobody should be expected to keep pictures of their ex on their social media platforms.
3. Don't contact your ex over this.
posted by jmsta at 8:08 AM on November 15, 2022 [32 favorites]
I don't think you need to apologize to anyone for deleting photos from your own account (if they were from someone else's account, that's a different story).
It sounds like you were setting a needed boundary. Are you still in contact with this person? If you are, it's probably a good idea to break contact in order to heal.
If you feel the need to explain the photo deletion, you could just say that you felt you needed to for peace of mind. Pretty much anyone who's been through a difficult break-up can relate, it's not an unusual way to feel.
posted by bearette at 8:10 AM on November 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you were setting a needed boundary. Are you still in contact with this person? If you are, it's probably a good idea to break contact in order to heal.
If you feel the need to explain the photo deletion, you could just say that you felt you needed to for peace of mind. Pretty much anyone who's been through a difficult break-up can relate, it's not an unusual way to feel.
posted by bearette at 8:10 AM on November 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
I’m sure they had backups; that would certainly be the reasonable thing to do with shared photos you wanted to keep post-breakup. (I mean, who knows? But let us assume so, for your peace of mind.)
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 8:10 AM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 8:10 AM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
Why apologize? Was this shared content that the two of you deliberately hosted together on the social media platforms and Google Photo with the idea that it would be a repository of these photos?
Personally, it seems normal for you to have deleted them. And considering that you're no-contact, not only do you have no reason to apologize to your ex but you have no reason whatsoever to feel guilty about having deleted the photos. Move forward with your life and leave your "challenging" ex behind in the past.
posted by slkinsey at 8:10 AM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
Personally, it seems normal for you to have deleted them. And considering that you're no-contact, not only do you have no reason to apologize to your ex but you have no reason whatsoever to feel guilty about having deleted the photos. Move forward with your life and leave your "challenging" ex behind in the past.
posted by slkinsey at 8:10 AM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
I agree with the consensus that you did nothing wrong. On the off-chance they reach out to you asking for an explanation, you can say you did this as part of the detangling/breaking up process (similar to going no-contact). But I really doubt your ex will reach out - this seems like a pretty normal thing to do.
posted by coffeecat at 8:14 AM on November 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 8:14 AM on November 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
I agree with mskyle: part of this is on your ex for not taking due care to separate their online life from yours. My feckless ex still has an email address on a domain that we used to share (and I have ceased using). I'm letting it slide (and not snooping, though as domain manager I COULD) until the domain registration expires next year. If he woofs, well, he had about five years of free email hosting from me and if he wants the address back he can go buy the domain from whatever squatter grabs it after it expires.
Do not pass go, do not contact ex, let the regret go as best you can. Your ex lacks technological common sense and that's not your fault.
I do understand the ragey moment, having lived through it a few months back myself. I've spent some effort reframing the situation and consciously trying to decrease the space the ex takes up in my head.
posted by humbug at 8:15 AM on November 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
Do not pass go, do not contact ex, let the regret go as best you can. Your ex lacks technological common sense and that's not your fault.
I do understand the ragey moment, having lived through it a few months back myself. I've spent some effort reframing the situation and consciously trying to decrease the space the ex takes up in my head.
posted by humbug at 8:15 AM on November 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
FWIW, I don't think "you did nothing wrong" is exactly right here, but "do not reach out to apologize" is. Deleting photos from a shared album does seem bad to me (and the specifics of like, whose account the shared album was on probably matter), but what's done is done, ruminating on it won't help, and contacting your ex about it definitely won't help.
posted by wesleyac at 8:54 AM on November 15, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by wesleyac at 8:54 AM on November 15, 2022 [6 favorites]
This wasn't great, but yeah, I think reaching out at this point compounds any potential harm. And also some of this is on him - hopefully, if he's handling his shit appropriately, he's already got any copies of anything he wants and will never notice or care this even happened.
Leave it alone. If they contact you, a short apology and resumed no-contact is the best option you have.
posted by Stacey at 8:58 AM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
Leave it alone. If they contact you, a short apology and resumed no-contact is the best option you have.
posted by Stacey at 8:58 AM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
Did you delete these things in a rage because deep down you hoped they’d notice and reach out? Or you’d have an excuse to contact them?
It doesn’t matter why you did it. Don’t apologize, and don’t reach out. If you’re having such strong reactions to the idea of them seeing someone, you’re not in the right place for any kind of contact.
Also, how did the news of this relationship get to you? Cut off that info supply — even if this means just telling a friend not to tell you this stuff.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:26 AM on November 15, 2022 [5 favorites]
It doesn’t matter why you did it. Don’t apologize, and don’t reach out. If you’re having such strong reactions to the idea of them seeing someone, you’re not in the right place for any kind of contact.
Also, how did the news of this relationship get to you? Cut off that info supply — even if this means just telling a friend not to tell you this stuff.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:26 AM on November 15, 2022 [5 favorites]
Not directly targeted to your question, but using Google Takeout is wise/useful, so you could consider beginning to use that going forward. You never know what can get accidentally deleted for any of a number of reasons.
posted by forthright at 9:47 AM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by forthright at 9:47 AM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
If you deleted them, but didn’t empty the trash or recycle bin or archive or whatever, you should be able to restore
posted by sageleaf at 10:25 AM on November 15, 2022
posted by sageleaf at 10:25 AM on November 15, 2022
Another vote for not reaching out, but apologizing for any inconvenience if asked.
This is probably not a shining moment in your personal history, but it doesn't need to be a Thing.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:36 AM on November 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
This is probably not a shining moment in your personal history, but it doesn't need to be a Thing.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:36 AM on November 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
To ask a stupid question, did you go into the deleted items folder and clear them? If not, you should be able to recover at least some of your files yourself.
As far as contacting them? After the end of the relationship it was on them to download copies if they wanted them.
posted by Candleman at 11:32 AM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
As far as contacting them? After the end of the relationship it was on them to download copies if they wanted them.
posted by Candleman at 11:32 AM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
You're being way too hard on yourself. He is an adult and perfectly capable of saving and backing up important things like this. It is entirely on him if he didn't. Who would expect a shared media account to stay untouched after a breakup? This is 1000% not a reason to reach out, and rather it would be kind of weird if you hadn't done some version of this (for general media hygiene purposes at least.) You don't owe him an explanation, and certainly not guilt or shame.
posted by asimplemouse at 11:40 AM on November 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by asimplemouse at 11:40 AM on November 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
Can we try to avoid assuming the gender of the ex when it was not stated?
posted by kinddieserzeit at 7:21 PM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by kinddieserzeit at 7:21 PM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
I don’t think this is a stupid thing to do at all, you’ve left that relationship in the past, who needs that out there? Your ex won’t ever ask you about it (assuming they even notice it anyway, it could be YEARS before they think to check) but if they do just say, of course you deleted it, you’ve both moved on….haven’t they?!!
What did they think you were going to do? Leave it there to pine over? It doesn’t mean you’re not sentimental, it just means your relationships aren’t available for public consumption. I wouldn’t put any more thought into it, it was a smart move.
posted by Jubey at 7:25 PM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
What did they think you were going to do? Leave it there to pine over? It doesn’t mean you’re not sentimental, it just means your relationships aren’t available for public consumption. I wouldn’t put any more thought into it, it was a smart move.
posted by Jubey at 7:25 PM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
Let it go, move on. Anything they wanted to keep was and is their problem to deal with, so don't make it yours.
posted by dg at 9:12 PM on November 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by dg at 9:12 PM on November 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
Don't initiate contact with your ex. DO explore what you need to do to apologize to yourself about this. What drove you to do it and how else can you give that part of yourself what they need without the regret hangover in the morning next time?
posted by spindrifter at 3:54 AM on November 16, 2022
posted by spindrifter at 3:54 AM on November 16, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Special Agent Dale Cooper at 8:07 AM on November 15, 2022 [36 favorites]