Is there any truth to this theory?

November 7, 2022 5:17 PM

About attachment styles and the dating pool

I've read several variations of the theory that, beyond a certain age, most single people looking to date have disordered attachment styles (typically avoidant) because they would otherwise be in stable monogamous relationships - the idea being that the majority of "securely" attached people are already happily partnered.

If you don't subscribe specifically to the attachment style model (I'm not fully sure I do!) I wonder if there is truth to the general concept that the pool of "emotionally available" people shrinks the older we get (supposing we are looking to match with others in our same age group).

To be honest, I find this idea discouraging and am probably seeking alternative views!

posted by CancerSucks to Human Relations (16 answers total)

I think this is silly. 1. There are plenty of people with attachment issues in relationships. 2. People with different attachment styles get together and break up. 3. Probably the most important: “attachment style” is not a static category. People get therapy, they mature, etc.
posted by lunasol at 5:37 PM on November 7, 2022 [25 favorites]

I don't have statistics, but I was less emotionally available in my 20s. Now I'm more emotionally available and have met someone who similarly grew better with age.
posted by Narrow Harbor at 5:43 PM on November 7, 2022 [6 favorites]

Nope, this is a gross over-simplification.

You can have a secure attachment style and not be interested in a relationship, for one. There are also plenty of people with anxious or avoidant or disorganized attachment styles who are in relationships.

I DO think it's somewhat true that the online dating pool (at least for men, as that is who I am interacting with) are largely avoidant... that's on apps though. I think that's because people who are avoidant are more likely to stay on the apps longer. They might also be more like to cheat...

There are securely attached people out there dating who are older. realistically, most relationships don't last forever and securely attached people routinely become single. But securely attached people who are looking for relationships likely stay single for less time.

And, I agree that the attachment model could be flawed/over-simplified/no always applicable. Although I think there's a lot that's helpful about it.
posted by bearette at 5:53 PM on November 7, 2022 [3 favorites]

This is kind of like how people looking for long-term relationships view divorcé(e)s very differently. One way to see it is they are bad at committed relationships, and should be avoided as potential partners. The other is that they have demonstrated success at doing that sort of thing and it should count as a mark of merit.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:05 PM on November 7, 2022 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Securely attached people (or people who have somewhat unpacked their attachment issues) might stay single for a while because they are confident in themselves and wouldn’t “settle” for a partner who is not a good fit for the life they want to live.
posted by matildaben at 6:07 PM on November 7, 2022 [17 favorites]

Securely attached people aren't anxiously trying to attach themselves to someone or to a relationship, so they are less likely to stay in relationships that aren't good for them or their partner(s), which means they are just as likely to be available when they are older than not. And/but, because they aren't anxiously trying to attach themselves to someone or to a relationship, they may not be as "obviously" dating or running about trying to re-attach. They are there. They are just not necessarily wearing neon flashing signs about it, or running around after the neon signs of availability that others are flashing.
posted by desert exile at 7:04 PM on November 7, 2022 [5 favorites]

I DO think it's somewhat true that the online dating pool (at least for men, as that is who I am interacting with) are largely avoidant... that's on apps though.

I think app-based dating fuels a form of choice paralysis for people of any gender that can read as avoidant but doesn't have anything necessarily to do with how much affection you got as an infant. It's the product of two intersecting cultural messages:

1) It's really important to find The One and when you do you will Just Know
2) There are always more people out there on the apps in case things don't work out with the current person

Combined, these two external influences are enough to push even well-adjusted people in the direction of behavior that reads as avoidant, because everyone is incentivized to keep their options open as long as they haven't experienced the lightning bolt experience of finding The One (which for many people is a totally unsubstantiated expectation to begin with).
posted by derrinyet at 7:10 PM on November 7, 2022 [4 favorites]

Assuming you believe that some people are more suited, more willing or more able to maintain long-term relationships, which seems fairly self-evident to me, then it's obviously true that the dating pool will include fewer of those people in equilibrium relative to their prevalence in the general population, especially in older age cohorts, where people are more likely to have paired-off for the long term. Those people are more likely to be in a relationship, less likely to be looking and the dating pool will include fewer of them relative to others who are less suited, willing or able to be in a long term relationship.

I don't think you need to bring attachment styles or any more complicated stories into this. The question is how strong of an effect this has and that's going to depend on a lot of factors. You also have the countervailing effect of many people generally becoming more suited to long-term relationships as they get older.
posted by ssg at 7:14 PM on November 7, 2022 [5 favorites]

It's important to realize that the anxious attachment styles (ambivalent and avoidant) are *normal* attachment styles. They are not disordered; and about a third of the population has them. Disorganized attachment might be considered "disordered," but it's also relatively rare, and so you won't find it as much in the dating pool. Also, attachment style is relatively stable, but also context dependent -- securely attached folks can become avoidant or ambivalent as a result of relationship disappointments, and insecurely attached folks even from childhood can become "earned secures," with a good relationship and/or therapy. So it might be true that people who are recently single and looking to date might be less secure on average than coupled people, but that doesn't mean they'll always stay that way or can't be good partners.
posted by shadygrove at 7:19 PM on November 7, 2022 [3 favorites]

1) People can and do learn and grow. Often. This is normal.

2) Even if you subscribe to some sort of hierarchy of "relationshipability", some really "good" people have probably been in relationships with "less good" people.

3) Aren't you better at finding a person now? You're not the only one.
posted by amtho at 7:23 PM on November 7, 2022 [2 favorites]

I am not sure, however I think a more effective use of time would be to make sure your personal filter is where it should be, ie protecting you from unnecessarily bad stuff while allowing you to be vulnerable so you can connect.

Because the stats can be what they are, but it doesn’t matter what they are, if you intend to date. The practical question is how are you going to identify and handle someone who’s not a good fit for you. This is tricky. Especially if you have a non-secure style.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:15 PM on November 7, 2022 [4 favorites]

I think in some ways this is.... Survivorship bias, plus a little bit of the stereotype that unmarried people must have something a little wrong with them.

Older people are less likely to be on dating sites. Time, attention, and changing technology are factors. The people who are in stable relationships don't go on dating sites.

So the people who are on dating sites now can fall into two categories, right? Those who have never been in a relationship/chronically single. And we don't immediately know the reasons that they are single, good or bad.

And then we have the people who are single due to life circumstances. Jobs, moving, relationships falling apart or ending. Things happen. I know plenty of people who found good, long lasting relationships online in middle age. (Hi mom!)

So I guess it's all a grab bag anyway.
posted by Jacen at 10:04 PM on November 7, 2022

Secure attachment an inherent capacity. One can arrive at it later in life. Some (many? most?) people gain more self-awareness as thew grow older, experience more of life, meet a wider range of people, and so on. This might lead someone to focus on self-improvement, perhaps strengthening their resilience in the face of their awareness that they can let go of some of their insecure attachment characteristics.

This is a long way of saying: some people leave relationships as they decide that those relationships are not as healthy or rewarding as they would want out of a close partnership. Some people leave long relationships, well after 30, for these reasons. I did this. I am, without a doubt, more capable of secure attachment now than I was when I was younger. I am, without a doubt, more personally resilient than I was in my previous long-term relationship. I'm a sample size of one, but I know an awful lot of people in the therapy circles that I turned toward when my previous relationship ended, and a lot of those people would likely say something similar (and most of those people are over 30).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:54 AM on November 8, 2022 [1 favorite]

Eh. I'm definitely leaning toward anxious and my partner toward avoidant, but we're aware of it and it's just part of how we think things through. We met a year and a half ago in our mid-to-late 40s, both divorced. We adore each other. A style doesn't dictate actions or emotions. When you're aware of it, it's information.
posted by wellred at 6:27 AM on November 8, 2022 [1 favorite]

Anecdotally, getting out of my marriage and doing the healing and work on myself has moved me from an extremely anxious attachment style to a borderline secure attachment style. I think a lot of people have this journey later in life (I'm 48). And, while it's true I've met a number of avoidants while dating, I have also dated people who seem like pretty secure attachers (including an amazing date last night, fingers crossed) so they're definitely out there. I think the main thing is knowing what you want and filtering for those specific traits. If someone shows indications of being avoidant, move on and make yourself available for someone more secure to come along!
posted by rabbitrabbit at 7:23 AM on November 8, 2022 [1 favorite]

I think attachment theory can provide us insight but I think a lot of it is bullshit. I think modern dating is hard for many reasons: it's a bit like dieting and weight loss in that, if all it took to fix was understanding one particular psychology, we'd all be happily in relationships or happily single by choice. Yet an oversimplified pop attachment theory gets thrown around all the time when it comes to relationships. Why are we looking to constantly try to pathologize ourselves and others? Maybe we aren't broken but just different. There are happy single people and unhappy single people. There are happily coupled people and very unhappily coupled people. Why are we valuing relationships more than solo life? Happy ones, sure; crappy ones, no way.

I'm so glad if studying attachment theory helps people better understand themselves but so much of it is self-help. It can take us far but sometimes we need professional support. My therapist and psychiatrist are not fans of attachment theory fwiw; some are and some aren't. Likewise, it's like everyone saying everyone needs therapy. Yes, I agree it can be helpful with a good match and hard work. However, it's more nuanced and complicated than we'd like, sadly like so many things in life including interpersonal relationships.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:32 PM on November 8, 2022 [1 favorite]