I think my partner might have an alcohol problem?
September 13, 2022 7:35 AM Subscribe
My partner has between one and three glasses of wine per night, every night. It took me a long time to wonder if something might be wrong because I didn't grow up around alcohol or drink at university. What should I do now?
I haven't talked with them at all about this yet. It's been like this for at least a year and it does not seem to be getting worse, but it's steady. It doesn't seem to be affecting their life in any way, their career, friends, or our relationship, but something is making me uneasy. None of my immediate family or friends have ever had an alcohol problem, so I don't have a "feel" for any of this.
I do incidentally know that they sometimes read "stop drinking" forums online, so I think they're aware that something might be wrong. I want to be supportive and I don't want them to feel pressured at all (because it doesn't seem to be affecting anything yet and because they seem to have awareness about it). I just want to be careful not to enable, though, I guess.
I think the hardest things in their life right now are work, social anxiety, and challenges in our relationship. Once every few months something especially stressful happens during the day, and they drink more that night, and they might mention the next day that they regret drinking so much the evening before. I usually just give them a hug, and I'm realizing as I write this that I could maybe ask a bunch more empathetic questions about work stress and things like that.
How can this get worse? What should I read? Who should I talk to? Should I join a group or talk to a professional for my own benefit? How do I talk about this with them?
I haven't talked with them at all about this yet. It's been like this for at least a year and it does not seem to be getting worse, but it's steady. It doesn't seem to be affecting their life in any way, their career, friends, or our relationship, but something is making me uneasy. None of my immediate family or friends have ever had an alcohol problem, so I don't have a "feel" for any of this.
I do incidentally know that they sometimes read "stop drinking" forums online, so I think they're aware that something might be wrong. I want to be supportive and I don't want them to feel pressured at all (because it doesn't seem to be affecting anything yet and because they seem to have awareness about it). I just want to be careful not to enable, though, I guess.
I think the hardest things in their life right now are work, social anxiety, and challenges in our relationship. Once every few months something especially stressful happens during the day, and they drink more that night, and they might mention the next day that they regret drinking so much the evening before. I usually just give them a hug, and I'm realizing as I write this that I could maybe ask a bunch more empathetic questions about work stress and things like that.
How can this get worse? What should I read? Who should I talk to? Should I join a group or talk to a professional for my own benefit? How do I talk about this with them?
Hello there! You qualify for Al-Anon, because your life is being affected by someone's drinking. I encourage you to attend a meeting. They're all different -- there are coed meetings and women's or men's meetings and meetings in church basements and meetings online and meetings in languages other than English. If you try one meeting and don't like it, try another. Try listening to what other people are saying. When they ask who's a newcomer, raise your hand. Say hello. Say what you've told us -- you're worried that your partner is drinking every single night and you're not sure what to do about it. Start there.
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:56 AM on September 13, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:56 AM on September 13, 2022 [6 favorites]
The fact that it's every night isn't great from a health perspective, but I don't personally think of 1-3 glasses of wine as a lot (although this depends a little bit on how large the glasses are, what the ABV is, and how sensitive they are to alcohol).
That they're reading forums about stopping drinking is interesting — I'd ask them about that (although the way you say "incidentally" makes it seems like maybe they don't know that you know they're reading them, which could make that harder).
I would say that the main person you should talk to about this is your partner. If they don't think it's a problem, I would not try to do anything about it unless it gets more severe. If they do think it's a problem or want to change, I'd ask them what sort of support they want from you, and offer to do things like help find some support (whether that's a therapist, an AA group, etc), hold them to the amounts they decide it's OK for them to drink, etc.
How to best bring it up depends a lot on the details of your relationship and communication style. I think if it's reasonable to bring up the forums that they read, that would be a pretty good way to start the conversation, since it makes it easier for the conversation to be about their goals and feelings about things, rather than being about you being worried about them (which can make having these kinds of conversations a lot trickier).
I also want to second what RajahKing says about it being important for you to investigate your own feelings about your partner's drinking. If it is upsetting you (which it seems like it might be?), then figuring out why that is and being able to communicate that to your partner is important. If the problem is that you are upset by your partner's drinking, that should be the conversation, rather than the conversation being "I think you might have a drinking problem".
posted by wesleyac at 8:01 AM on September 13, 2022 [20 favorites]
That they're reading forums about stopping drinking is interesting — I'd ask them about that (although the way you say "incidentally" makes it seems like maybe they don't know that you know they're reading them, which could make that harder).
I would say that the main person you should talk to about this is your partner. If they don't think it's a problem, I would not try to do anything about it unless it gets more severe. If they do think it's a problem or want to change, I'd ask them what sort of support they want from you, and offer to do things like help find some support (whether that's a therapist, an AA group, etc), hold them to the amounts they decide it's OK for them to drink, etc.
How to best bring it up depends a lot on the details of your relationship and communication style. I think if it's reasonable to bring up the forums that they read, that would be a pretty good way to start the conversation, since it makes it easier for the conversation to be about their goals and feelings about things, rather than being about you being worried about them (which can make having these kinds of conversations a lot trickier).
I also want to second what RajahKing says about it being important for you to investigate your own feelings about your partner's drinking. If it is upsetting you (which it seems like it might be?), then figuring out why that is and being able to communicate that to your partner is important. If the problem is that you are upset by your partner's drinking, that should be the conversation, rather than the conversation being "I think you might have a drinking problem".
posted by wesleyac at 8:01 AM on September 13, 2022 [20 favorites]
It's hard to say with so little information. It doesn't really sound like they have a problem; a lot of people drink a glass of wine or two with dinner, and many have much more. If they can stop after a single glass, they're unlikely to be particularly intoxicated, and it's probably not a problem. Problem drinking is generally of the can't-stop variety.
The biggest question I have is what happens if they don't have that glass of wine or two. Can they go out on a date with you and not drink? This is actually how I (unintentionally) got my wife to stop drinking. I don't drink, so when we'd go out, I would order something non-alcoholic, and she'd feel weird being the only one drinking, so she started ordering nonalcoholic drinks as well. It's essentially the flipside of the peer pressure that makes people start drinking in the first place.
People who grew up without drinking tend to see all drinking as a problem, and, as a non-drinker, I don't find that helpful. Keep the focus on your partner's self-control - if they can stop after a single drink, if they can go a night without drinking at all, if they seem like they know what they're doing, they're probably in control of their drinking, and it's not a problem.
posted by kevinbelt at 8:05 AM on September 13, 2022 [13 favorites]
The biggest question I have is what happens if they don't have that glass of wine or two. Can they go out on a date with you and not drink? This is actually how I (unintentionally) got my wife to stop drinking. I don't drink, so when we'd go out, I would order something non-alcoholic, and she'd feel weird being the only one drinking, so she started ordering nonalcoholic drinks as well. It's essentially the flipside of the peer pressure that makes people start drinking in the first place.
People who grew up without drinking tend to see all drinking as a problem, and, as a non-drinker, I don't find that helpful. Keep the focus on your partner's self-control - if they can stop after a single drink, if they can go a night without drinking at all, if they seem like they know what they're doing, they're probably in control of their drinking, and it's not a problem.
posted by kevinbelt at 8:05 AM on September 13, 2022 [13 favorites]
I think “how it gets worse” will vary but it gets worse by catching up with you. You might need more than usual to get the same feeling. You might drink too much to be helpful in an emergency. You might be more cranky and lash out. You might have more hangovers which can affect your work and relationships. You could impair your driving or dexterity and injure yourself and others. There are some noted health benefits to red wine consumption but after a glass, the benefits drop off and eventually are inversely correlational. It’s also an expensive hobby depending on your wine choices.
It’s curious that you all haven’t talked about it. What worries you about bringing it up? Habitual drinking is usually a sign of self-medicating. Every night last week, I had an alcohol-containing drink and it’s because I was coming off several weeks of high emotional stress, needing to continue functioning at a high level during the day and needed a switch to help me regulate in the evening. I did this with recognition of both the value and detriment of self-medicating in this way. This week, I’m working on not doing that and finding other purposeful ways to recharge. These conversations are ones I also have openly with my partner. There’s nothing inherently shameful about coping with a substance that has been used for all human existence to cope. It’s not a moral failure. But it can be part of a healthy life in which we discuss openly our challenges and our pains.
posted by amanda at 8:50 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
It’s curious that you all haven’t talked about it. What worries you about bringing it up? Habitual drinking is usually a sign of self-medicating. Every night last week, I had an alcohol-containing drink and it’s because I was coming off several weeks of high emotional stress, needing to continue functioning at a high level during the day and needed a switch to help me regulate in the evening. I did this with recognition of both the value and detriment of self-medicating in this way. This week, I’m working on not doing that and finding other purposeful ways to recharge. These conversations are ones I also have openly with my partner. There’s nothing inherently shameful about coping with a substance that has been used for all human existence to cope. It’s not a moral failure. But it can be part of a healthy life in which we discuss openly our challenges and our pains.
posted by amanda at 8:50 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
There are a number of self-assessments on the web, Here's an example. There's not a bright line separating moderate enjoyment of wine and alcoholism. I grew up with an alcoholic, and pay attention to my relationship with alcohol. I typically have a beer most days, or wine, maybe an ounce of bourbon at bedtime. I drank more for awhile during Covid isolation because I was bored, and once I saw that, I backed off, because bored drinking and watching streaming video is still boring. Also, alcohol is a mild carcinogen and balance seems like a good plan.
Yes to alanon, which is a space for you to clarify your own stuff,
It's okay to talk to your partner and say I've been noticing that you have a pattern of drinking. Have you thought about the role it plays in your life?
posted by theora55 at 8:53 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
Yes to alanon, which is a space for you to clarify your own stuff,
It's okay to talk to your partner and say I've been noticing that you have a pattern of drinking. Have you thought about the role it plays in your life?
posted by theora55 at 8:53 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
Based just on my experience (and not on any kind of scientific or medical principles), three glasses of wine, spread across an evening, doesn't seem like an alarming amount -- though perhaps a bit more than desirable. A person can metabolize roughly a glass of wine per hour, so if they spread out the consumption over three hours, they're probably OK.
posted by alex1965 at 9:05 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by alex1965 at 9:05 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
Many people in the world can drink that much alcohol with that frequency and not have a problem. But not everyone. It's not super healthy, but it's only a problem if it's a problem. I think it is at least a mild problem for you if it's making you uneasy. Perhaps reflect on why exactly that is. Is there something you dislike in your partner's behaviour after he has been drinking? Are you worried about other people judging you or your partner? Are you concerned about health risks? Are you worried that your partner is drinking to escape something they would be better off confronting? Do you dislike the cost?
posted by plonkee at 9:09 AM on September 13, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by plonkee at 9:09 AM on September 13, 2022 [4 favorites]
To offer an alternate perspective, I would not approach this, at this point, in the "is my partner an alcoholic" kind of way. Meaning, I wouldn't necessarily tell you to read a book, attend Al-Anon, or whatever. Those things are there for you later if the situation warrants, but you aren't necessarily going to get on-target advice at the lion tamer's association meeting if what you're living with is a house cat.
I think first you should explore your own feelings about this in a nonjudgemental, curious way. Are you being negatively affected by your partner's drinking?
Then I think you should talk with your partner. If you've discovered their drinking does bother you, you can talk about that, and you can ask them nonjudgmentally what the drinking does for them, and if the two of you can brainstorm other ways they can get those needs met. (Because all coping habits are trying to solve a discomfort, whether that discomfort is wonky brain chemicals, a stressful daily life, an inability to relax at night, or whatever -- and those discomforts will still need balm when the original coping behavior is removed.)
If you don't find that gentle explorations, both of yourself and with your partner, alleviate your discomfort, then it's probably time to talk with a therapist or visit Al-Anon. But I think honest conversation should probably come first.
posted by hungrytiger at 9:11 AM on September 13, 2022 [9 favorites]
I think first you should explore your own feelings about this in a nonjudgemental, curious way. Are you being negatively affected by your partner's drinking?
Then I think you should talk with your partner. If you've discovered their drinking does bother you, you can talk about that, and you can ask them nonjudgmentally what the drinking does for them, and if the two of you can brainstorm other ways they can get those needs met. (Because all coping habits are trying to solve a discomfort, whether that discomfort is wonky brain chemicals, a stressful daily life, an inability to relax at night, or whatever -- and those discomforts will still need balm when the original coping behavior is removed.)
If you don't find that gentle explorations, both of yourself and with your partner, alleviate your discomfort, then it's probably time to talk with a therapist or visit Al-Anon. But I think honest conversation should probably come first.
posted by hungrytiger at 9:11 AM on September 13, 2022 [9 favorites]
By medical definitions, this amount of alcohol daily would be considered moderate-to-heavy drinking, depending on the size of the pours and whether they are male or female. In my personal opinion, medical definitions of drinking are very conservative, meaning drink size and number of drinks are low, so it doesn't take much to be technically considered a "heavy drinker". However, evidence is showing more and more that there is no amount of alcohol that is without negative health effects.
But being "bad for the health" and being "a problem" are two different things, and I feel the latter is what should be focused on more. (I do lots of things—including drinking—that statistically are bad for my health, but that doesn't mean they're actually a problem for me or those around me.) I also feel that personal history and perceptions of drinking can greatly color one's opinions. To help cut through those, here is a validated screening tool that may help you and/or them assess whether their drinking is problematic (I believe the same is linked above, presented in a different format, and there are other tools like it as well). Note that it is a screening tool, meaning it should be used as a starting point for deeper considerations about their drinking and how it is or isn't affecting their and your life. Good luck! This is a thing worth thinking on.
posted by cyclopticgaze at 9:39 AM on September 13, 2022
But being "bad for the health" and being "a problem" are two different things, and I feel the latter is what should be focused on more. (I do lots of things—including drinking—that statistically are bad for my health, but that doesn't mean they're actually a problem for me or those around me.) I also feel that personal history and perceptions of drinking can greatly color one's opinions. To help cut through those, here is a validated screening tool that may help you and/or them assess whether their drinking is problematic (I believe the same is linked above, presented in a different format, and there are other tools like it as well). Note that it is a screening tool, meaning it should be used as a starting point for deeper considerations about their drinking and how it is or isn't affecting their and your life. Good luck! This is a thing worth thinking on.
posted by cyclopticgaze at 9:39 AM on September 13, 2022
Addictions cannot survive in the light––they requiring hiding from one's issues. Talk about it kindly if it concerns you.
My gut feeling about drinking will be against-the-grain here, but I feel inspired to share it in case anyone finds that they agree with me: I don't consider drinking enough alcohol to feel buzzed/relaxed or drunk each day suggests a healthy way of coping with stress, even if it's just one or two drinks. This goes for all 'drugs', including marijuana and other short-acting psychoactives. I'm very pro-drugs, I don't believe in stigmatizing them, and I think they can fun and interesting experiences (even the socially taboo ones) in moderation, but using them daily to take the edge off suggests to me that something isn't working. Sometimes the stressor is something that cannot be changed by the individual. Again, this is just my opinion, but I think drinking alcohol very rarely is the "healthiest" way to interact with it. I know this is not the culturally accepted way of viewing alcohol, but I disagree with how our (and most, it seems) cultures view it. "Everyone does it and has done it for thousands of years" isn't a good reason for me.
posted by saturday sun at 9:40 AM on September 13, 2022 [6 favorites]
My gut feeling about drinking will be against-the-grain here, but I feel inspired to share it in case anyone finds that they agree with me: I don't consider drinking enough alcohol to feel buzzed/relaxed or drunk each day suggests a healthy way of coping with stress, even if it's just one or two drinks. This goes for all 'drugs', including marijuana and other short-acting psychoactives. I'm very pro-drugs, I don't believe in stigmatizing them, and I think they can fun and interesting experiences (even the socially taboo ones) in moderation, but using them daily to take the edge off suggests to me that something isn't working. Sometimes the stressor is something that cannot be changed by the individual. Again, this is just my opinion, but I think drinking alcohol very rarely is the "healthiest" way to interact with it. I know this is not the culturally accepted way of viewing alcohol, but I disagree with how our (and most, it seems) cultures view it. "Everyone does it and has done it for thousands of years" isn't a good reason for me.
posted by saturday sun at 9:40 AM on September 13, 2022 [6 favorites]
I mean, another option is to just say you're a little concerned about the daily drinking and ask them if they'd be willing to try a Dry January.
For reference my husband drinks 3 cans of relatively low alcohol beer regularly but I am not concerned by his alcohol intake as he often switches to carbonated water for a week or more with no issue.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:50 AM on September 13, 2022
For reference my husband drinks 3 cans of relatively low alcohol beer regularly but I am not concerned by his alcohol intake as he often switches to carbonated water for a week or more with no issue.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:50 AM on September 13, 2022
A drinking problem is a social diagnosis, not a scientific one. I am sure some people will consider this level of drinking excessive and unhealthy, while others will consider it no big deal. I’m more of the latter camp, which is undoubtedly related to the fact that my dad has drank like this my whole life and is still an incredibly healthy and active guy in his late 60s.
It’s more alcohol than a doctor would recommend, for sure, but few of us are living our lives exactly according to medical advice, whether that’s insufficient sleep or exercise or too much sugar. If your partner ate a bowl of ice cream for dessert every night, that wouldn’t be ideal for optimal health either, but you probably wouldn’t be writing this question. There’s an idea that alcoholism is a progressive disease, but putting your partner in this camp is IMHO an overreaction.
What it comes down to is: are you comfortable with their alcohol consumption? It’s ultimately up to you what you will tolerate in a relationship, and if you’re not comfortable with it, you need to decide what you are comfortable with before you open the conversation.
Finally, Al-Anon is welcome to all so it doesn’t hurt to check out a meeting if you are concerned, but I guarantee most people there will be talking about much more serious, life-damaging levels of alcohol consumption, not their partner having a couple glasses of wine a night.
posted by vanitas at 10:12 AM on September 13, 2022 [5 favorites]
It’s more alcohol than a doctor would recommend, for sure, but few of us are living our lives exactly according to medical advice, whether that’s insufficient sleep or exercise or too much sugar. If your partner ate a bowl of ice cream for dessert every night, that wouldn’t be ideal for optimal health either, but you probably wouldn’t be writing this question. There’s an idea that alcoholism is a progressive disease, but putting your partner in this camp is IMHO an overreaction.
What it comes down to is: are you comfortable with their alcohol consumption? It’s ultimately up to you what you will tolerate in a relationship, and if you’re not comfortable with it, you need to decide what you are comfortable with before you open the conversation.
Finally, Al-Anon is welcome to all so it doesn’t hurt to check out a meeting if you are concerned, but I guarantee most people there will be talking about much more serious, life-damaging levels of alcohol consumption, not their partner having a couple glasses of wine a night.
posted by vanitas at 10:12 AM on September 13, 2022 [5 favorites]
I was with a partner for a while who would regularly have 2-4 drinks per night, as against my 0-1 drinks. They didn’t necessarily regard it as a problem, but the effect was that after a certain time every evening we were on very different conversational wavelengths, and that robbed us of a lot of time that we could have spent building & sustaining our emotional connection.
We are no longer together.
posted by rd45 at 11:03 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
We are no longer together.
posted by rd45 at 11:03 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
Depending on what culture you ask, this is a pretty normal drinking pattern that may have some health implications but not more serious than a stressful commute or frequent insomnia/poor sleep (which certainly CAN be exacerbated by alcohol in general and red wine chemistry specifically, but not automatically so). I agree that the first exploration here should be your own, because what it sounds like is that you heard this is bad but you are not actually experiencing anything you can enumerate as consequences*.
If you have health concerns, are they proportional to similar concerns about his diet, exercise, sleep quality (and prone -position oxygenation levels), stress levels, environmental pollutants/allergens, use of OTC NSAIDS, digestive issues, and other lifestyle factors that are similarly tied to poor health outcomes? If you feel he's self-medicating with alcohol for a condition that may be better treated with better-regulated medication, that's a different conversation than "don't drink" is going to be.
*That's not to say that there aren't subtle consequences, particularly if that level of drinking interferes with his ability to concentrate/connect during time spent with you or other family members, or leaves him unable to deal with large or small emergencies. If y'all have small kids, it seems like there should be some arrangement of sober/able-to-drive nights swapped off between caretakers, or at least limited enough consumption that someone could get to an ER and walk in with a sick/hurt kid and explain the situation and retain all information given and make sound decisions. If it feels to you like his drinking is making him "check out" or otherwise unavailable to you, that's absolutely something you should bring up. But I feel that's something more of a lifestyle problem than a drinking problem - he could do the same with video games, a hobby, books, improv classes, conspiracy theories, a sport league, etc.**
If you believe he has a drinking "problem", you should be able to articulate what the problem is. Alternately, if your personal boundary is a life without routine drinkers in it, you should probably tell him that but that doesn't mean he has a drinking problem or that this news is going to be particularly delightful for him if it never came up before. If you are just scared of someone drinking because of unfamiliarity, I would encourage you to both pre-process that before bringing it up, but also think it through and decide what real-world impacts it is having on your life because it's important that you understand them so you can communicate them.
**And I'm not advocating against all alone time/self-oriented occupations, because everybody needs some of that, but for sure if my husband played video games 7 nights a week instead of the two scheduled events a week he does, there'd be a Conversation.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:03 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
If you have health concerns, are they proportional to similar concerns about his diet, exercise, sleep quality (and prone -position oxygenation levels), stress levels, environmental pollutants/allergens, use of OTC NSAIDS, digestive issues, and other lifestyle factors that are similarly tied to poor health outcomes? If you feel he's self-medicating with alcohol for a condition that may be better treated with better-regulated medication, that's a different conversation than "don't drink" is going to be.
*That's not to say that there aren't subtle consequences, particularly if that level of drinking interferes with his ability to concentrate/connect during time spent with you or other family members, or leaves him unable to deal with large or small emergencies. If y'all have small kids, it seems like there should be some arrangement of sober/able-to-drive nights swapped off between caretakers, or at least limited enough consumption that someone could get to an ER and walk in with a sick/hurt kid and explain the situation and retain all information given and make sound decisions. If it feels to you like his drinking is making him "check out" or otherwise unavailable to you, that's absolutely something you should bring up. But I feel that's something more of a lifestyle problem than a drinking problem - he could do the same with video games, a hobby, books, improv classes, conspiracy theories, a sport league, etc.**
If you believe he has a drinking "problem", you should be able to articulate what the problem is. Alternately, if your personal boundary is a life without routine drinkers in it, you should probably tell him that but that doesn't mean he has a drinking problem or that this news is going to be particularly delightful for him if it never came up before. If you are just scared of someone drinking because of unfamiliarity, I would encourage you to both pre-process that before bringing it up, but also think it through and decide what real-world impacts it is having on your life because it's important that you understand them so you can communicate them.
**And I'm not advocating against all alone time/self-oriented occupations, because everybody needs some of that, but for sure if my husband played video games 7 nights a week instead of the two scheduled events a week he does, there'd be a Conversation.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:03 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
This is more about the person doing the drinking than the amount being drunk (at least at this level of consumption). My ex-husband drank this amount and it was very uncomfortable for me. It didn’t feel cozy and mellow. It was just a bad, weird, dysfunctional vibe. My discomfort with it made me feel like a prude and definitely made him think I was. But really it wasn’t about the alcohol per se—it was about feeling afraid of the disconnect in our relationship. My current partner drinks this amount (although is much larger physically) and I don’t mind at all. He’s still himself when he drinks, our way of interacting stays the same, etc. And, crucially, I think that if it did feel off in some way, it would be a solvable problem for us. If it’s making you unhappy, regardless of how much or how little he’s consuming, that’s a totally legitimate issue for the two of you to with through.
posted by HotToddy at 11:12 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 11:12 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hi! I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I've also got some experience dealing with recovering addicts. I can't speak to whether your partner has a real drinking problem; that's for them to decide. But if it's having a negative impact on you, that's enough. So I'll talk as if that's the case, with some perspective I learned in Al-Anon.
It sounds like your biggest worry at this point is your partner: you're concerned that they might have a problem, and you're wondering what you should do about it. But your partner is aware of it, too! It's THEIR problem.
This is going to sound strange, but it is true: the best way for you to support your partner is to be honest with yourself and with them about you and your perspective. This is because, while alcohol addiction does have physical aspects to it, it is just as much a social and spiritual disease. When social connections are frayed, when one is at a loss for why to get up in the morning each day, drinking can help as a stopgap measure. But when relied upon, it tends to make both of those problems worse.
But of course, your partner is not alone: you are with them. So many of the things we do to try to "help" don't actually help, though: anything we do that focuses on them and forgets ourselves just plays into the cycle.
So: talk honestly with them, be honest about the impact they have on your life (whether it's drinking related or not), and live your own life! Doing all of these things is enriching for everyone around you, alcoholic or no.
And finally, if all of the above sounds like gobbledygook, and this is a problem that's really having an impact on you, get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. This stuff is not easy.
And if it's NOT a problem that's really having an impact on you, then don't worry about it! For real. That's also part of the deal: being aware of the impact your partner's behavior has on you also means being aware of when it has no impact on you at all, and they're free to live their life in whatever way makes them happy.
posted by billjings at 11:49 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
It sounds like your biggest worry at this point is your partner: you're concerned that they might have a problem, and you're wondering what you should do about it. But your partner is aware of it, too! It's THEIR problem.
This is going to sound strange, but it is true: the best way for you to support your partner is to be honest with yourself and with them about you and your perspective. This is because, while alcohol addiction does have physical aspects to it, it is just as much a social and spiritual disease. When social connections are frayed, when one is at a loss for why to get up in the morning each day, drinking can help as a stopgap measure. But when relied upon, it tends to make both of those problems worse.
But of course, your partner is not alone: you are with them. So many of the things we do to try to "help" don't actually help, though: anything we do that focuses on them and forgets ourselves just plays into the cycle.
So: talk honestly with them, be honest about the impact they have on your life (whether it's drinking related or not), and live your own life! Doing all of these things is enriching for everyone around you, alcoholic or no.
And finally, if all of the above sounds like gobbledygook, and this is a problem that's really having an impact on you, get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. This stuff is not easy.
And if it's NOT a problem that's really having an impact on you, then don't worry about it! For real. That's also part of the deal: being aware of the impact your partner's behavior has on you also means being aware of when it has no impact on you at all, and they're free to live their life in whatever way makes them happy.
posted by billjings at 11:49 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
+ to rd45 and HotToddy's comments. I think a partner can drink in a way that may not be a "drinking problem" per se but is still a relationship problem. Getting buzzed lets people release a little bit from themselves and their environment, which is fun if you're also in that state, but if you're not, can be damaging to emotional intimacy and subtly hurtful to your self-esteem, because you're part of that setting that they're releasing themselves from or trying to enhance. You asked Should I join a group or talk to a professional for my own benefit? and from what I'm hearing, I think seeing a therapist would be more helpful than something like Al-Anon. It sounds to me like you could use support discerning your own needs and figuring out how your partner's drinking affects you (i.e. unpacking why specifically you "feel uneasy"), more than you need to figure out your partner and whether or not their drinking is problematic in and of itself.
posted by dusty potato at 12:33 PM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by dusty potato at 12:33 PM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
This is a hard question because I’m in agreement that it’s unclear if your partner’s alcohol use is healthy or unhealthy. While no alcohol ever is certainly the healthier option, I don’t think 1-3 glasses of wine over an evening are necessarily “too much” or a sign of something deeper. I too grew up in a household without alcohol — not due to addiction worries fwiw. I didn’t start drinking alcohol until I was 30, in part because I worried any use would be too much or almost too much. I understand the nuance more now and do enjoy it. I love a fancy drink or two out but am too cheap to pay for more than one, maybe two, and I always want to be a safe driver. I will have maybe two drinks most nights, which the old me would have freaked out about but I feel ok now. I have some friends for whom two drinks would be dangerous territory.
I question my consumption occasionally just as a practice but apparently my therapist and psychiatrist feel it’s totally fine. I do deal with some mental health issues so frankly I was surprised alcohol abuse hasn’t been a problem for me or my immediate family members. It’s not to say that we or I have all healthy coping mechanisms because we don’t but alcohol isn’t one of them, luckily. For so many people it is, and that’s hard!
I think the biggest indicator of your partner’s use possibility being problematic is their routine comment saying they regret having had so much. I have never said that, even when drinking a lot or at a special occasion. I don’t know if they’re saying it because they feel ill or because they feel guilty. It’s definitely worth exploring but really needs to come from them. I think it’s a good conversation to have because it’s a bit of a worry to you both. There are great resources on having the dialogue in a way that feels more open than accusatory. I hope they are open and that you are too. We all have things to work on and maybe your reflecting on your own behaviors will make you feel more confident and then feel more comfortable. I wish you luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 12:45 PM on September 13, 2022
I question my consumption occasionally just as a practice but apparently my therapist and psychiatrist feel it’s totally fine. I do deal with some mental health issues so frankly I was surprised alcohol abuse hasn’t been a problem for me or my immediate family members. It’s not to say that we or I have all healthy coping mechanisms because we don’t but alcohol isn’t one of them, luckily. For so many people it is, and that’s hard!
I think the biggest indicator of your partner’s use possibility being problematic is their routine comment saying they regret having had so much. I have never said that, even when drinking a lot or at a special occasion. I don’t know if they’re saying it because they feel ill or because they feel guilty. It’s definitely worth exploring but really needs to come from them. I think it’s a good conversation to have because it’s a bit of a worry to you both. There are great resources on having the dialogue in a way that feels more open than accusatory. I hope they are open and that you are too. We all have things to work on and maybe your reflecting on your own behaviors will make you feel more confident and then feel more comfortable. I wish you luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 12:45 PM on September 13, 2022
Hi! I was you in my marriage. I did not grow up around alcohol drinking, and, in fact, I had a distorted and hyperbolic idea of what "alcoholism" is -- I thought someone drunk and passed out in front of a liquor store is what an alcoholic is. Furthermore, I was so ignorant that I misinterpreted things that are literally textbook signs of alcoholism (e.g. taking a month-long break from drinking, only drinking one type of liquor rather than another for a while, never drinking before an arbitrary time of day) as evidence of my husband *not* being an alcoholic because "he had it under control."
Here is what I learned from that experience, and from going to a bunch of Al-Anon meetings. Alcoholism is less about the amount of alcohol one consumes (though it can certainly be an indicator) and more about the relationship one has with alcohol. Alcoholics put alcohol between themselves and whatever they can't or do not want to cope with. That is how I understand dependency on alcohol (leaving aside issues of physical dependency that arise in some people). What you say about your partner looking up "stop drinking" and drinking more in response to tensions in your marriage are certainly things that say "alcohol problem" to me.
I would actually suggest that you go to a few Al-Anon meetings. I went to a number -- I was never interested in working the steps, and for me it was more of an eye-opening education when it came to understanding the dynamics of living with and loving an alcoholic, and what that household and relationship can look and feel like. It gave me a vocabulary to understand and process some things I did not understand before, because, again, like you, I didn't grow up around alcoholism, and didn't know what I was seeing.
You asked how it gets worse: many will say that alcoholism is a progressive disease. I think that's not always true -- there are high-functioning alcoholics who plateau more or less. There are also "dry drunks" -- you should read about it -- people who stop drinking but don't deal with any of the emotional issues tied up in their drinking. They often sublimate their drinking into other compulsions, and/or end up unable to manage the emotions (e.g. rage, anxiety) that alcohol was a coping mechanism for. It's impossible to say which path your partner is on. Also consider the possibility (I don't think it's definite, but it is possible) that they drink more than the 1-3 drinks per day that you see them drink. Alcoholics hide their drinking, and they minimize how much they drink to themselves and others.
One more thing that your post made me think of: I had a therapist point out to me that even though I didn't grow up around drinkers, I grew up in a family that for other reasons had a family structure that mimicked that of a family with an alcoholic -- meaning, the family dynamics revolved around the moods of one volatile, unpredictable person. My therapist felt that I actually had many habits and sensitivities that CoAs have -- but without any experience with alcoholism in and of itself, which, in a sense, made me particularly vulnerable to relationships with alcoholics. I have found that to be highly plausible. So perhaps consider whether there are aspects in your family of origin that are mirrored in your relationship even if alcohol as such was absent as you were growing up.
[Edited to fix pronouns]
posted by virve at 12:47 PM on September 13, 2022 [4 favorites]
Here is what I learned from that experience, and from going to a bunch of Al-Anon meetings. Alcoholism is less about the amount of alcohol one consumes (though it can certainly be an indicator) and more about the relationship one has with alcohol. Alcoholics put alcohol between themselves and whatever they can't or do not want to cope with. That is how I understand dependency on alcohol (leaving aside issues of physical dependency that arise in some people). What you say about your partner looking up "stop drinking" and drinking more in response to tensions in your marriage are certainly things that say "alcohol problem" to me.
I would actually suggest that you go to a few Al-Anon meetings. I went to a number -- I was never interested in working the steps, and for me it was more of an eye-opening education when it came to understanding the dynamics of living with and loving an alcoholic, and what that household and relationship can look and feel like. It gave me a vocabulary to understand and process some things I did not understand before, because, again, like you, I didn't grow up around alcoholism, and didn't know what I was seeing.
You asked how it gets worse: many will say that alcoholism is a progressive disease. I think that's not always true -- there are high-functioning alcoholics who plateau more or less. There are also "dry drunks" -- you should read about it -- people who stop drinking but don't deal with any of the emotional issues tied up in their drinking. They often sublimate their drinking into other compulsions, and/or end up unable to manage the emotions (e.g. rage, anxiety) that alcohol was a coping mechanism for. It's impossible to say which path your partner is on. Also consider the possibility (I don't think it's definite, but it is possible) that they drink more than the 1-3 drinks per day that you see them drink. Alcoholics hide their drinking, and they minimize how much they drink to themselves and others.
One more thing that your post made me think of: I had a therapist point out to me that even though I didn't grow up around drinkers, I grew up in a family that for other reasons had a family structure that mimicked that of a family with an alcoholic -- meaning, the family dynamics revolved around the moods of one volatile, unpredictable person. My therapist felt that I actually had many habits and sensitivities that CoAs have -- but without any experience with alcoholism in and of itself, which, in a sense, made me particularly vulnerable to relationships with alcoholics. I have found that to be highly plausible. So perhaps consider whether there are aspects in your family of origin that are mirrored in your relationship even if alcohol as such was absent as you were growing up.
[Edited to fix pronouns]
posted by virve at 12:47 PM on September 13, 2022 [4 favorites]
A friend of mine had his life changed by an is-your-alcohol-intake-an-issue quiz in an inflight magazine. It asked a series of questions about alcohol consumption, but instead of a rating at the end it simply said "If you took the time to do this quiz then it is very likely that alcohol intake is an issue in your life.
I would place looking at online forums in a similar basket. Note however it is an issue and not necessarily a problem. There may be nothing "wrong", just a worry that things may be drifting that way.
In your shoes I would simply say "I noticed a stop drinking forum in your web history. Is that something you’re worried about?" If yes I would offer to try out being a dry house for a month and see how it feels.
As was the custom at the time my parents had something a lot stronger than a glass of wine every evening. It never rose to the level of being a problem, but it was enough of an issue for us kids that we all remember it.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:52 PM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
I would place looking at online forums in a similar basket. Note however it is an issue and not necessarily a problem. There may be nothing "wrong", just a worry that things may be drifting that way.
In your shoes I would simply say "I noticed a stop drinking forum in your web history. Is that something you’re worried about?" If yes I would offer to try out being a dry house for a month and see how it feels.
As was the custom at the time my parents had something a lot stronger than a glass of wine every evening. It never rose to the level of being a problem, but it was enough of an issue for us kids that we all remember it.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:52 PM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
Nthing to the moon the idea of saying to your partner, “I noticed you’ve been looking at sites for folks who want to stop drinking. Want to try a dry month together?”
I stopped drinking a few years ago because I was constantly tired and angry and anxious and sick to death of adults who couldn’t socialize without getting drunk. (I was working in an expat community, where there were no sports leagues or knitting circles or other non-drinking hobbies available.) The internet quizzes about whether you have “a problem” make me angry: you don’t need “a problem” to decide that you want to eat less meat, spend less money on clothes, make fewer angry comments on Twitter. Wanting to do less of something that isn’t making you feel good is enough: you don’t need to be diseased or an addict to make a change. Unfortunately, the prevailing idea in the US is that the only people who would chose NOT to drink, or to drink less, are religious folks or people with A Problem. You can reject that black-and-white thinking and support your partner with positivity and care.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 4:20 PM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
I stopped drinking a few years ago because I was constantly tired and angry and anxious and sick to death of adults who couldn’t socialize without getting drunk. (I was working in an expat community, where there were no sports leagues or knitting circles or other non-drinking hobbies available.) The internet quizzes about whether you have “a problem” make me angry: you don’t need “a problem” to decide that you want to eat less meat, spend less money on clothes, make fewer angry comments on Twitter. Wanting to do less of something that isn’t making you feel good is enough: you don’t need to be diseased or an addict to make a change. Unfortunately, the prevailing idea in the US is that the only people who would chose NOT to drink, or to drink less, are religious folks or people with A Problem. You can reject that black-and-white thinking and support your partner with positivity and care.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 4:20 PM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
Followup: I don’t mean to dismiss anyone who feels that their drinking is a problem, or that a partner or friend or family member’s drinking is a problem. What makes me angry is that we focus on A Problem as the criterion for change, and then people who are questioning whether a habit makes them happy need to contend with the confusion of legions of people saying both, Yes, you DO have A Problem! and, No, you do NOT have A Problem!
Humans are also complicated, and teach ourselves both to avoid acknowledging our problems and to blame ourselves as moral failures. This makes the framing of A Problem tricky - some people will do anything to avoid it, some will rush toward it as a weapon to wield against themselves - and many will do both at the same time.
If your partner, or you/your partner would be interested in a dry month or “detox”, there are lots of positive resources out there - Daybreak, Tempest, This Naked Mind, many more.
One of the most important things that I recognized when I was thinking about drinking less was how much of my *time* it was taking - if I was spending most nights with a few glasses of wine, I was effectively spending my life either asleep, at work, or drinking. FUCK that noise. What about my yoga, my singing, my dancing, my sex life, my play? For me, not drinking means joyfully reclaiming my time. Is there any way you might want to joyfully reclaim time with your partner? A dry month doesn’t need to be just about not-drinking - it could be a month of making an art project every day, or learning TikTok dances, or reconnecting with old friends and family on weekends.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 5:28 PM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
Humans are also complicated, and teach ourselves both to avoid acknowledging our problems and to blame ourselves as moral failures. This makes the framing of A Problem tricky - some people will do anything to avoid it, some will rush toward it as a weapon to wield against themselves - and many will do both at the same time.
If your partner, or you/your partner would be interested in a dry month or “detox”, there are lots of positive resources out there - Daybreak, Tempest, This Naked Mind, many more.
One of the most important things that I recognized when I was thinking about drinking less was how much of my *time* it was taking - if I was spending most nights with a few glasses of wine, I was effectively spending my life either asleep, at work, or drinking. FUCK that noise. What about my yoga, my singing, my dancing, my sex life, my play? For me, not drinking means joyfully reclaiming my time. Is there any way you might want to joyfully reclaim time with your partner? A dry month doesn’t need to be just about not-drinking - it could be a month of making an art project every day, or learning TikTok dances, or reconnecting with old friends and family on weekends.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 5:28 PM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
I agree that the issue is definitely not the quantity of alcohol. Lots of people live long happy and healthy lives drinking that amount. If you partner is a man, it's quite possible this places them in what the US medical profession recommends as a limit of 14 drinks per week.
Rather, I'd focus on what does seem to a problem - "work, social anxiety, and challenges in our relationship." It sounds like your partner is not managing stress well, and that is no doubt a problem for them as well as you. You might raise the drinking here - drinking can increase feelings of anxiety the day after, and it can negatively impact sleep which then raised cortisone/stress levels. But unless they are behaving unpleasantly after drinking, I wouldn't suggest the drinking is a "problem" so much as that perhaps cutting it out for a bit might be a worthwhile experiment to see if it leads to your partner improving their sense of well-being/mood. And I'd make this one potential experiment - committing to some form of exercise, meditation, a good sleep routine, and so on, can all improve one's ability to handle stress.
posted by coffeecat at 7:32 PM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
Rather, I'd focus on what does seem to a problem - "work, social anxiety, and challenges in our relationship." It sounds like your partner is not managing stress well, and that is no doubt a problem for them as well as you. You might raise the drinking here - drinking can increase feelings of anxiety the day after, and it can negatively impact sleep which then raised cortisone/stress levels. But unless they are behaving unpleasantly after drinking, I wouldn't suggest the drinking is a "problem" so much as that perhaps cutting it out for a bit might be a worthwhile experiment to see if it leads to your partner improving their sense of well-being/mood. And I'd make this one potential experiment - committing to some form of exercise, meditation, a good sleep routine, and so on, can all improve one's ability to handle stress.
posted by coffeecat at 7:32 PM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
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It doesn't sound like your partner is drinking an outrageous amount or doing destructive things, but drinking every night has physiological impact. On the other hand, having a glass of wine a day isn't all that hard on the body. Its also worth noting that people's relationship to alcohol changes over time, and one's consumption can increase as time passes.
So maybe, as a way to be supportive and get to know your partner better, ask curious questions about their relationship to drinking. Does it feel obligatory to them, like they *need* a glass of wine when they get home? How would they feel if they couldn't have a drink for a week? A month? Do *they* want to change their relationship to alcohol, or does it feel manageable and a positive part of their life?
Again, it doesn't sound like your partner is doing anything you need to immediately intervene on - but find out more.
You also - as a partner and a person in your own right - need to explore similar questions about your relationship to your partner's drinking. Does it upset you to have your partner drinking or drunk? Would you prefer your partner not drink, or is it fine with you for them to drink wine after work? Is there anything you'd change about their alcohol consumption?
Good luck and glad you are being so proactive!
posted by RajahKing at 7:54 AM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]