How do you decide between two cities/houses?
August 19, 2022 11:12 AM Subscribe
I had to move when my landlords sold the little house I was renting, and decided to move far away since I work remotely and am currently stuck in a very expensive area. I've been housesitting and desperately looking for a cheap house, and now I'm torn between two possibilities. Details below.
House A is in a city I like but very, very small. House B is in a small town in the Northeast, and it's a little bit bigger, a little cheaper, and the town would allow me to build a tiny house in the backyard as a rental (I would love to have an extra source of income). The first city is probably a better fit for me, though, and has more amenities like an airport, etc.
I already feel somewhat emotionally attached to both houses- House B has photos of sunlight streaming through the windows, and it's walking distance to a nice little downtown. House A is perched on a little hill with beautiful old trees and also in a walkable neighborhood. Both options seem like they could work (though definitely neither is perfect). But when I think about picking one, I immediately start to lean towards the other. How can I feel good about the choice? I'd need to make an offer on the first one now if I wanted it. The second one won't have showings until next week.
It is of course very possible I won't succeed in buying either one (I've already made several other offers on other houses that failed).
House A is in a city I like but very, very small. House B is in a small town in the Northeast, and it's a little bit bigger, a little cheaper, and the town would allow me to build a tiny house in the backyard as a rental (I would love to have an extra source of income). The first city is probably a better fit for me, though, and has more amenities like an airport, etc.
I already feel somewhat emotionally attached to both houses- House B has photos of sunlight streaming through the windows, and it's walking distance to a nice little downtown. House A is perched on a little hill with beautiful old trees and also in a walkable neighborhood. Both options seem like they could work (though definitely neither is perfect). But when I think about picking one, I immediately start to lean towards the other. How can I feel good about the choice? I'd need to make an offer on the first one now if I wanted it. The second one won't have showings until next week.
It is of course very possible I won't succeed in buying either one (I've already made several other offers on other houses that failed).
House B with potential for income sounds better to me. Although finding someone in a small town to build anything is hard.
How often do you fly? Having an airport is not high on my list of priorities, but I only fly 1-2 a year at most.
posted by MadMadam at 11:26 AM on August 19, 2022
How often do you fly? Having an airport is not high on my list of priorities, but I only fly 1-2 a year at most.
posted by MadMadam at 11:26 AM on August 19, 2022
How easy would it be to build the small rental and how easy would it be to attract a tenant?
posted by tipsyBumblebee at 11:31 AM on August 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by tipsyBumblebee at 11:31 AM on August 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: The backyard house would be a tiny house on wheels (something that can be made elsewhere and delivered, like this). I think it would be pretty easy to rent there, and Airbnb would also be possible. It's not something I would do immediately, but having the option is appealing. (I could also potentially rent out a room in the house...the one in the city I like is just a one bedroom, so it wouldn't be possible there.)
posted by pinochiette at 11:45 AM on August 19, 2022
posted by pinochiette at 11:45 AM on August 19, 2022
As someone who spent years researching the possibility of building a DADU for rental, I"d say don't enter into it lightly - depending on your region, with today's construction prices it could cost as much to build it as to buy a house, and you'd also need to evaluate the rental market for feasibility, especially in a non-urban locale. Especially for a first-time homeowner, it's a lot of unknowns to take on. It's a fun dream, though, but don't base your future on it. I don't know how old you are, but you might still have upcoming decades in your life that would be better to try this in.
I see from your post history that you've been house hunting for at least a couple of years. I know well that feeling of getting revved up before making an offer and fantasizing about your entire future in that place, and I bet if you look back you can see that emotional rollercoaster in yourself. Maybe it would help to write a very factual and practical checklist of must-have, nice-to-have, and absolutely-not that you can evaluate these houses against.
For this specific question, I'd say take the small house in the city - you can always sell it later once you figure out what parts of homeownership you like and what parts you hate.
posted by matildaben at 11:46 AM on August 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
I see from your post history that you've been house hunting for at least a couple of years. I know well that feeling of getting revved up before making an offer and fantasizing about your entire future in that place, and I bet if you look back you can see that emotional rollercoaster in yourself. Maybe it would help to write a very factual and practical checklist of must-have, nice-to-have, and absolutely-not that you can evaluate these houses against.
For this specific question, I'd say take the small house in the city - you can always sell it later once you figure out what parts of homeownership you like and what parts you hate.
posted by matildaben at 11:46 AM on August 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
Do also consider what the cities and surrounding areas are like during different seasons. E.g., is it cloudy 6 months out of the year? Do the winters suck more in one place than the other? Are there flood or other dangers in one area but not the other? Does electricity go out more in one or the other area?
posted by StrawberryPie at 11:49 AM on August 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by StrawberryPie at 11:49 AM on August 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Sorry, not to threadsit, but I guess my bigger question is, how do you decide between two choices that are both okay, and let go of the FOMO about the other option? I do genuinely think either could work, but because they each have different advantages, I'm finding it impossible to choose.
posted by pinochiette at 11:56 AM on August 19, 2022
posted by pinochiette at 11:56 AM on August 19, 2022
Remind yourself that you simply can't know the future. No one can. All you can do is try to identify some good choices, and accept that the one you choose may happen not to be perfect, or even the best.
posted by praemunire at 12:03 PM on August 19, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 12:03 PM on August 19, 2022 [6 favorites]
Take a step back from the houses and refocus on the towns/cities. Which meets your preferences more. Once you’ve got that clear in your mind consider if the house adds pros or cons to the city. And focus on the houses as they are. Any modifications or later additions are irrelevant.
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:03 PM on August 19, 2022
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:03 PM on August 19, 2022
I live in a small town in the northeast. I unequivocally vote for the other option.
posted by kevinbelt at 12:28 PM on August 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by kevinbelt at 12:28 PM on August 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
You can't know the future, but there's only one rule about house hunting that I found valuable:
You can change everything about a house, pretty much. Except its location.
posted by champers at 12:34 PM on August 19, 2022 [12 favorites]
You can change everything about a house, pretty much. Except its location.
posted by champers at 12:34 PM on August 19, 2022 [12 favorites]
I think you really have to look not just at the relative appeal of city house vs. spacious house, but how likely you personally are to make use of the specific benefits of each. A lively downtown isn't as big a perk if you're a homebody who just wants to garden, cook yourself nice meals, and watch streaming TV. A bigger house with more room to grow is less useful if you're the kind of person who goes out to dinner every night.
We decided against a much smaller house in a livelier town for a more spacious house with a bigger yard in a quiet bedroom suburb. We spend a lot of time enjoying the yard, we each have dedicated office spaces, and there are two family rooms, so our kiddo can do his thing with his buddies. It's a good fit for us. There are other folks in this thread who came to the opposite conclusion. That's cool, too! Your job is just to figure out what you value most.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:34 PM on August 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
We decided against a much smaller house in a livelier town for a more spacious house with a bigger yard in a quiet bedroom suburb. We spend a lot of time enjoying the yard, we each have dedicated office spaces, and there are two family rooms, so our kiddo can do his thing with his buddies. It's a good fit for us. There are other folks in this thread who came to the opposite conclusion. That's cool, too! Your job is just to figure out what you value most.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:34 PM on August 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
The answer is the question of how to deal with the decision making anxiety is recognize that any decision you make is merely a best guess. You don't know what is going to happen. That things that do actually happen are only one possible future that could have happened for that choice. And you will never ever really know how the other option would work out.
The better approach is to guess and then pivot as life unfolds. Pick what feels right and then commit yourself to making it work. Resolve that once you decide you will reject any efforts of your inner demons to convince you life would be better with other choice. No!! You will never know that. so refocus on how do you flourish where you are or use what you've gained to move on to the next thing.
My thought is that if you are single and comfortable with the smaller house, I think being in the city you know you like gives you more options to sell and upgrade later on since you will already be local and would be buying and selling into the same market. On the other hand if you are homebody and are looking forward to nesting in your new home (seems more likely if you have children but that is just my stereotype) then go for home B and create the place you love and figure out the social scene as you go.
posted by metahawk at 12:55 PM on August 19, 2022 [7 favorites]
The better approach is to guess and then pivot as life unfolds. Pick what feels right and then commit yourself to making it work. Resolve that once you decide you will reject any efforts of your inner demons to convince you life would be better with other choice. No!! You will never know that. so refocus on how do you flourish where you are or use what you've gained to move on to the next thing.
My thought is that if you are single and comfortable with the smaller house, I think being in the city you know you like gives you more options to sell and upgrade later on since you will already be local and would be buying and selling into the same market. On the other hand if you are homebody and are looking forward to nesting in your new home (seems more likely if you have children but that is just my stereotype) then go for home B and create the place you love and figure out the social scene as you go.
posted by metahawk at 12:55 PM on August 19, 2022 [7 favorites]
Have you actually been in the second house? You said it doesn't have showings until next week? If you haven't been inside, its not a contender. Put it out of your mind. No matter how glorious the pictures are, it can't really be a contender until you've been inside.
Now you are down to one choice, and you need to decide if its the right one for you.
I personally would not buy a one bedroom house. But I would favour city over house.
posted by Ftsqg at 12:58 PM on August 19, 2022 [3 favorites]
Now you are down to one choice, and you need to decide if its the right one for you.
I personally would not buy a one bedroom house. But I would favour city over house.
posted by Ftsqg at 12:58 PM on August 19, 2022 [3 favorites]
Best answer: how do you decide between two choices that are both okay, and let go of the FOMO about the other option?
Because the choices aren't as different as you think! Regardless of the one you pick, you're still going to read and make delicious breakfasts and pursue your hobbies and chat with neighbors and meet nice dogs. That's a very fine kind of life, really, regardless of which house it happens in.
posted by mochapickle at 1:02 PM on August 19, 2022 [17 favorites]
Because the choices aren't as different as you think! Regardless of the one you pick, you're still going to read and make delicious breakfasts and pursue your hobbies and chat with neighbors and meet nice dogs. That's a very fine kind of life, really, regardless of which house it happens in.
posted by mochapickle at 1:02 PM on August 19, 2022 [17 favorites]
how do you decide between two choices that are both okay, and let go of the FOMO about the other option?
Flip a coin.
No, I'm not being facetious.
If you're faced with choosing between two options, and you've thought through the pros and cons and slept on it and taken advice from friends and the Internet and still can't make a clear and obvious decision even though the need to do so has become the most pressing part of the whole problem, then just flip a coin. Because if you genuinely can't work out which option is likely to be better (or less bad), then your chance of making the decision that will in fact work out the best for you are so close to 50/50 as makes no difference. In which case you might as well make the actual decision using a purely mechanical randomizer just for the sake of getting a decision. That way, if it does turn out badly later on, then you can just blame chance instead of beating yourself up about it.
After flipping the coin, you might instantly be overwhelmed by a feeling that the coin has made the wrong call. If that happens, reverse the coin's decision and then commit to that reversed decision. Do not re-reverse it.
The rationale for that last move is that the feeling of wrongness will have one of two causes: it's either your intuition telling you something your rational deliberations have missed, or it's a straight-up FOMO spike prompted by a decision having finally been called. If it's your intuition, then reversing the coin's choice is the right thing to do.
If on the other hand it's just a FOMO spike, and you get another pang of the same kind once you have reversed the coin's choice, then the actual coin outcome makes no difference at all and the decision you've now committed to is as good a choice as the opposite would have been.
I have done exactly this with some of the most consequential decisions of my life, and the result has in all cases been completely acceptable.
posted by flabdablet at 1:14 PM on August 19, 2022 [9 favorites]
Flip a coin.
No, I'm not being facetious.
If you're faced with choosing between two options, and you've thought through the pros and cons and slept on it and taken advice from friends and the Internet and still can't make a clear and obvious decision even though the need to do so has become the most pressing part of the whole problem, then just flip a coin. Because if you genuinely can't work out which option is likely to be better (or less bad), then your chance of making the decision that will in fact work out the best for you are so close to 50/50 as makes no difference. In which case you might as well make the actual decision using a purely mechanical randomizer just for the sake of getting a decision. That way, if it does turn out badly later on, then you can just blame chance instead of beating yourself up about it.
After flipping the coin, you might instantly be overwhelmed by a feeling that the coin has made the wrong call. If that happens, reverse the coin's decision and then commit to that reversed decision. Do not re-reverse it.
The rationale for that last move is that the feeling of wrongness will have one of two causes: it's either your intuition telling you something your rational deliberations have missed, or it's a straight-up FOMO spike prompted by a decision having finally been called. If it's your intuition, then reversing the coin's choice is the right thing to do.
If on the other hand it's just a FOMO spike, and you get another pang of the same kind once you have reversed the coin's choice, then the actual coin outcome makes no difference at all and the decision you've now committed to is as good a choice as the opposite would have been.
I have done exactly this with some of the most consequential decisions of my life, and the result has in all cases been completely acceptable.
posted by flabdablet at 1:14 PM on August 19, 2022 [9 favorites]
When I have to make choices like this, I pay attention to four factors: region, city, neighborhood, house. I process things in that order. I've found that if I don't process things in that order — I pick neighborhood without first picking region — I end up unhappy. This may just be me, but I don't think it is. I think this works well for most people.
So, my advice is to first pick which region you want to live in. For me, it's the Pacific Northwest. There are other regions that could work (north-central Colorado, for instance), but the Pacific Northwest is the best fit. When we looked for a place to live last year, we first decided on region, then we spent several months scouting cities. There were a handful of cities that felt right, but ultimately we chose Corvallis, Oregon. After we chose the city, we tried to get a feel for neighborhoods. We narrowed down three that would work, then started searching for homes within them.
Like I say, I've found that choosing a place to live without first considering the larger factors first is a sure way for me to be unhappy. I would be discontented in, say, the rural South. It wouldn't matter how nice the house was. I'd be unhappy with everything around me, so I'd be unhappy in the house.
Your mileage may vary.
posted by jdroth at 1:19 PM on August 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
So, my advice is to first pick which region you want to live in. For me, it's the Pacific Northwest. There are other regions that could work (north-central Colorado, for instance), but the Pacific Northwest is the best fit. When we looked for a place to live last year, we first decided on region, then we spent several months scouting cities. There were a handful of cities that felt right, but ultimately we chose Corvallis, Oregon. After we chose the city, we tried to get a feel for neighborhoods. We narrowed down three that would work, then started searching for homes within them.
Like I say, I've found that choosing a place to live without first considering the larger factors first is a sure way for me to be unhappy. I would be discontented in, say, the rural South. It wouldn't matter how nice the house was. I'd be unhappy with everything around me, so I'd be unhappy in the house.
Your mileage may vary.
posted by jdroth at 1:19 PM on August 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
Do you have friends or family near either location? How are these locations going to be impacted by climate chaos? (Either on the macro or micro scale--flood plain? drought? etc.)
posted by RedEmma at 2:06 PM on August 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by RedEmma at 2:06 PM on August 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
There are some nice prefabricated houses these days. Look into that, because then you don't have to find a contractor in a smaller city, you find the prefab you like, and they build, deliver, and set up. It is not as costly as you might think and the work has been done again and again, less mistakes, you might even think of getting land, and putting two matching prefabs down.
Here is the first thing that came up, for a little behind house. I have seen some really sophisticated yet simple units.
posted by Oyéah at 2:46 PM on August 19, 2022
Here is the first thing that came up, for a little behind house. I have seen some really sophisticated yet simple units.
posted by Oyéah at 2:46 PM on August 19, 2022
Sometimes when it's difficult to make a decision, that's because there's no clear right option. Which also means there's no wrong option. So, do the coin flip test to see if that triggers any subconscious preference, and then move on with your excellent new life. I hope wherever you end up living is fantastic for you.
posted by plonkee at 3:01 PM on August 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by plonkee at 3:01 PM on August 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
...my bigger question is, how do you decide between two choices that are both okay, and let go of the FOMO about the other option? I do genuinely think either could work, but because they each have different advantages, I'm finding it impossible to choose.
I heard once that if you're struggling to decide between two options, they're probably both decent choices, and so you'll probably be okay with either one. That was really helpful for me a few years when trying to decide about a new job in a new city.
I'd also suggest not falling for a house you haven't seen in person yet. It sounds like you've seen house A, and it's small and in a walkable neighborhood in a city with good amenities. That sounds pretty great!
I'll also suggest you listen to this Slate podcast about making decisions. It was incredibly insightful for me.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:06 PM on August 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
I heard once that if you're struggling to decide between two options, they're probably both decent choices, and so you'll probably be okay with either one. That was really helpful for me a few years when trying to decide about a new job in a new city.
I'd also suggest not falling for a house you haven't seen in person yet. It sounds like you've seen house A, and it's small and in a walkable neighborhood in a city with good amenities. That sounds pretty great!
I'll also suggest you listen to this Slate podcast about making decisions. It was incredibly insightful for me.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:06 PM on August 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
how do you decide between two choices that are both okay, and let go of the FOMO about the other option?
In your case I would suggest that you don't actually have two choices. You have a house you need to decide on now, and a house you haven't even seen yet.
I think you can weight the advantages and disadvantages. Which has higher weight -- having future opportunities for rental income, or having current opportunities to more easily travel or access things that the city has?
Anecdotally, it kind of doesn't matter because it is super likely that no matter which one you choose, you will have FOMO about not only the specific "other" house, but also ANY OTHER HOUSE for a while. This is very common with big decision-making and not something I've seen anyone successfully fully avoid, so I suggest just embracing that it is probably going to happen.
posted by sm1tten at 3:58 PM on August 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
In your case I would suggest that you don't actually have two choices. You have a house you need to decide on now, and a house you haven't even seen yet.
I think you can weight the advantages and disadvantages. Which has higher weight -- having future opportunities for rental income, or having current opportunities to more easily travel or access things that the city has?
Anecdotally, it kind of doesn't matter because it is super likely that no matter which one you choose, you will have FOMO about not only the specific "other" house, but also ANY OTHER HOUSE for a while. This is very common with big decision-making and not something I've seen anyone successfully fully avoid, so I suggest just embracing that it is probably going to happen.
posted by sm1tten at 3:58 PM on August 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
What are the services like in the different areas? What if you had reason to need to visit a hospital every other week for a year? Would it be significantly easier in one area than another? My mom is about 90 minutes from her neurologist and it is doable but not ideal. If she was getting cancer treatment she’d have many more trips to make back and forth. On the other hand, I am a five-minute walk from one of the best hospitals in the world. It’s a small thing but it is very convenient and incredibly comforting as a navigate an unexpected health issue.
posted by kate blank at 11:35 AM on August 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by kate blank at 11:35 AM on August 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
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