Is it ok to charge guests for a birthday party at home?

July 10, 2022 9:30 AM

I was invited to a birthday party at a friends home and after the party asked to pay 30 dollars for the food provided.

My friends are very well off but tend to be cheap and the wife invited me to a BBQ for the husband’s birthday. I brought a bottle of wine and a card. At the party she told me they couldn’t get the BBQ working the day before and had ordered delivery already. After the party she texted and asked me and another couple to pay to the husband’s venmo. It’s fairly normal in our circle to go out to dinner at a restaurant for a birthday and everyone pays for their own food and drink. In the past if we’ve gotten delivery or takeout we’ve split the cost but we all chosen the food and agreed before hand.

I was not expecting to be asked for money to go to their house for a birthday celebration. I’ve hosted many events at my home they’ve attended and never asked for payment. I can easily afford to pay them and I know they can afford the food without asking for payment.

So far I have ignored the request and am considering paying if they bring it up again. We are not close friends and I would not mind terribly losing the relationship as they tend to be fair weather friends. Is this ethical of me? Or is this something I should have expected? I just want to know if the is a normal thing. We are all well paid professionals in our mid to late 30s.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (80 answers total)

I’ve never heard of someone springing a surprise charge after the party. It seems quite rude.

I would go ahead and pay them and then avoid them in the future.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:33 AM on July 10, 2022 [37 favorites]

This is not normal, and I would find it off putting as well. I would be inclined to pay the 30 dollars to be done with it, and then permanently fade them off my friend list.
posted by nanook at 9:33 AM on July 10, 2022 [36 favorites]

I don’t think it’s a normal thing. Maybe if it was at a restaurant and it was mentioned at the time you were invited. But the fact it was at their house and sprung on you after the fact is rather cheeky.
posted by iamsuper at 9:37 AM on July 10, 2022 [2 favorites]

Not normal, no. I would never consider charging my guests at a party I was hosting because I couldn't get the BBQ working. That's on me to figure out a solution, whether that means shelling out more money for delivery, or borrowing a BBQ, or cooking in a different way.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 9:40 AM on July 10, 2022 [15 favorites]

ok first of all this is hilarious. This is a great story. For the rest of your life, when the conversation topic comes up of "weird shit seemingly normal people have not been embarrassed to do in public," you will have a winner anecdote. (And may I suggest that that topic would make a fun thread on its own?)

I'm conflicted on pay/don't pay. I guess I'm American and conflict-averse enough to come down on the side of "pay, judge, avoid in future, and enjoy the oh-no-she-didn't element."
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:40 AM on July 10, 2022 [71 favorites]

Oh hell no.

Ghosting these people seems like one of the few situations where that outcome would be self-explanatory to all involved. I would 100% nope out here.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:40 AM on July 10, 2022 [19 favorites]

Of course it’s not normal. It’s grotesque, absurd. I can’t think of a single culture on the planet that would find that acceptable.
posted by asimplemouse at 9:40 AM on July 10, 2022 [16 favorites]

It’s okay to ask people to chip in if it’s discussed beforehand, but otherwise at least in my US experience, if you invite people to your home, you’re footing the bill. I have no idea if there’s a potential cross-cultural mismatch here. I would probably pay and just be done with them; they don’t sound like people I’d really want in my circle anyway.
posted by obfuscation at 9:43 AM on July 10, 2022 [6 favorites]

This would not be normal in my circles, no. I do wonder if these are people who lack the social awareness to see that a party in someone’s home is different from dinner in a restaurant. They may just be thinking “dinner is dinner” and asking people to pay because they see this as equivalent to a group of friends meeting up.

That said, you are free to cut ties with anyone you don’t enjoy spending time with.
posted by corey flood at 9:48 AM on July 10, 2022 [2 favorites]

One reciprocal approach would be to deduct the cost of the bottle of wine, the card, and your transportation to their house (using standard personal-vehicle mileage reimbursement rates), itemize these things in a response, and pay only the difference (if any!).
posted by heatherlogan at 9:51 AM on July 10, 2022 [82 favorites]

Bring them 30 bucks in pennies and tell them to fuck off.
posted by vrakatar at 9:58 AM on July 10, 2022 [10 favorites]

These people are gross. Pay or don’t pay, whichever will bother you less in the long run, and then be shut of them.
posted by HotToddy at 9:58 AM on July 10, 2022 [7 favorites]

The story alone is well worth $30, as I am enormously entertained by this whole situation. Another vote to pay and never see them again.
posted by mochapickle at 10:06 AM on July 10, 2022 [15 favorites]

I think there are scenarios in which "everyone shares the price of takeout to cover a disaster with the planned menu" could be reasonable, but they pretty much rely on the guests volunteering to participate, not on the hosts billing everyone afterward.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:12 AM on July 10, 2022 [25 favorites]

No, they’re being very weird. There are various circumstances where you might have people pay for their own parts of a birthday meal but never as something you spring into them after the fact. I probably would pay up as I’m conflict avoidant and that amount wouldn’t cause me any hardship, but I also probably would never attend any event organized by these people again.
posted by Stacey at 10:13 AM on July 10, 2022 [2 favorites]

I agree this is absurd, but I guess it is a trend? I remember seeing this on Twitter when it happened.
posted by coffeecat at 10:14 AM on July 10, 2022 [2 favorites]

I’m leaning towards not paying and explaining why. I’m pretty conflict-avoidant, so I’d never actually do that in my own life, but I do think these people would benefit from knowing just how unusual this is.

I’m curious how this would’ve worked if one of the guests had a food allergy to the takeout they ordered. Gone is the time when you could just order something and assume people would be OK with whatever.

I think this and the fact that they’re fair-weather friends are related, and I bet you can figure out the common thread.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:15 AM on July 10, 2022

I also vote that this is weird but I would not pay them, mostly because you describe them as “well off”. I’ve had no money and I’ve had money at various points in my life, and it would never even occur to me to ask for money for a party I decided to throw.

I’d be inclined to respond “you’re kidding, right?”
posted by rhymedirective at 10:15 AM on July 10, 2022 [10 favorites]

I would probably send the $30 and then never invite them anywhere or accept an invite from them again.
posted by pazazygeek at 10:16 AM on July 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

This is bonkers. I would be tempted to contact the other couple to see what they did. Maybe you guys can push back together and file a strike notice from your friendship.
posted by mostly vowels at 10:18 AM on July 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

I mean... who knows. You said these are casual friends. Maybe they just had to put a relative into a recovery center. Maybe a good friend just got into a car wreck. Maybe they just got a big tax bill. Maybe someone got laid off. Should they be hosting a dinner party if that's the case? Probably not, but if it were already planned and they wanted to save face with with casual friends... people are weird and they should have just copped to it but maybe they're embarrassed and maybe things are tighter than they appear for whatever reason and these folks just don't want to say so. It's not cool not to communicate the plan beforehand, but people are often not cool, especially when they're stressed.

If I could easily afford it (as you say you can) I'd shrug and pay it, pay attention to these friends in the next little while if I opted to continue hanging out with them (and if you enjoy the company of the other folks in your friends group, maybe this mildly annoying couple is the price of admission) and see if something deeper seems to be going on or not. Now, if something is, it's not your responsibility to do anything about it, and maybe they are just being jerks, but I'd pay it this time and see what happens after that.
posted by joycehealy at 10:21 AM on July 10, 2022 [11 favorites]

Instead of paying the thirty bucks, send them an invoice for the wine.
posted by scratch at 10:23 AM on July 10, 2022 [14 favorites]

I just hosted a birthday party for 15-20 of my closest friends -- if I wanted them to make it a potluck or ask them to chip in, I would literally have to ask and get consent from everyone well beforehand. I ended up paying for all the groceries and also I asked that they brought stuff to help make the party better, because I could and I wanted to provide that. If you can't treat them like friends rather than people who extort you (aka stingy rich people) then you don't deserve friends.
posted by yueliang at 10:27 AM on July 10, 2022 [5 favorites]

I think it’s not a thing people normally do or should do, but I’m a little surprised by tenor of the aggressive reactions here.
posted by vunder at 10:29 AM on July 10, 2022 [14 favorites]

This is very bizarre. I don’t know about ethics per se l, but I would just pay the $30 to be guaranteed to end up on the moral high ground of this story. Who knows what they might be going through- or maybe they are just cheap! But to squash any “telephone” versions of this story I would absolutely just pay the $30 and be done with it
posted by raccoon409 at 10:33 AM on July 10, 2022 [3 favorites]

The only way I could see a justification for this is if they had bought a bunch of food for the failed BBQ -- food that they can't use and will now go to waste or ... something (I don't know what food couldn't be cooked otherwise but ...) but even in that case, you let your guests know ahead of time, not after the fact.

Also, unclear how many people were at this party so I don't know if she was asking everyone who was there or just two couples.

This whole thing is weird to me. I think I would pay and then never interact with these people again.
posted by edencosmic at 10:40 AM on July 10, 2022

Ignore. You brought something. That's all the social currency needed when you are invited to a party.
posted by tiny frying pan at 10:40 AM on July 10, 2022 [9 favorites]

It's rude, unreasonable and abnormal.

Pay, have an amusing anecdote - but most importantly never ever ever ever attend another event with (or by) them again.

(However - I agree with other posters that you should deduct the cost of the wine, the card and your mileage - if they want to be petty, you can be as well - but be aware that you will definitely be burning the bridge of this relationship...)

We have even cutoff a rude relation, because at one of their BBQ's, they stated "no children", so our granddaughter (about 7-8 months old at-the-time, certainly no trouble - or rambunctious at all) was not able to attend.

We went, because... "fambly"... And then were treated to see that other children were in attendance... Apparently they didn't get the same "memo", because they were visiting from out-of-town...

So, now it is unfortunate - but we always have other plans or commitments whenever they have an event.
posted by rozcakj at 10:42 AM on July 10, 2022 [5 favorites]

I have different friend groups and go to different kinds of parties. For some of them, you BYO booze and meats to grill, and bring a dish to share. For some you just bring a dish. For some, everything's provided. For some, you go out and split the bill. For some, you chip in for something special.

The key to all of these is make people aware beforehand. She didn't do that. And it's rude. And as much as it's very extra kind to be like "maybe they're struggling for [reason]," it's just as true that maybe you are struggling for [reason]. Something they should be thinking about. It's not okay to make presumptuous requests like that.

Hosting is a responsibility, and making the arrangements clear ahead of time is on the host. If the arrangements change, the solution is also on the host. I mean, presumably they still have all the food they were going to grill and will be therefore saving an equivalent amount of money on future meals.

Would 100% ignore.
posted by Miko at 10:43 AM on July 10, 2022 [27 favorites]

I would pay the $30 and see about having a private conversation with the hostess/wife to find out if she is ok. Then another conversation with the husband because holy shit, this has a whiff of financial control where he's possibly being abusive.

Two frequent factors in abuse are financial control, and alienating people from their friends and loved ones. This seems like a double up. This guy may be resentful that his partner has folks who care about her, and may be mad that she spent their or "his" money on something "frivolous" like party food. It's also possible that he's saying something about the food being all wrong or not what he wanted so he "shouldn't have to" pay for it. Even more so because she is asking the money to go to his venmo.

And judging by the number of people here saying they would cut this couple off completely, you might guess how frequently this kind of manipulation is effective at isolating an abused partner.

(I don't have much energy to get into this, and for her sake, I desperately hope I'm over reacting. But I would rather over react a million times to this than ever once not say something.)
posted by bilabial at 10:45 AM on July 10, 2022 [53 favorites]

No, this is gauche af.
I'd probably do what you're doing — ignore the venmo request for now, but pony-up if pestered. As satisfying as it might be to submit an invoice for wine, card, and mileage expenses, unless your 2022 just doesn't have enough drama in it, best leave it alone. You have mutual friends, you'll inevitably see these people again, they made it weird but you needn't make it A Thing. Feel free to send your regrets to all future events they host and cross them off your holiday card list, but in the grand scheme of things $30 is a bargain price for finding out who someone is.
posted by mumkin at 10:47 AM on July 10, 2022 [10 favorites]

It is so odd. I think I would err on the side of caution and assume bilabial is right or that something else sinister is going on but that this means that somebody involved is Not Okay, and I would write back and ask if anything's wrong. Communicate the oddness back to them gently. Emphasizing not the rudeness but the weirdness.

If you determine somehow that nothing's gone wrong and everyone is fine, but that this couple are just a new and spectacular breed of assholes trying to export a restaurantparty billsplitting custom to a houseparty like a couple of outrageous clowns, I would ghost them forever and I absolutely wouldn't pay them any $30 for some ribs and coleslaw OMG. If you don't want to be friends anymore, why pay $30 and then not be friends? Paying $30 just encourages them to try this insanity again in the future.

But again, it's so weird and I've never heard of anything like it before and I'm worried about these guys.
posted by Don Pepino at 11:04 AM on July 10, 2022 [6 favorites]

I'm in Australia

In 2003, I was invited to a party, and once there, surprise-charged $$ each for myself and my boyfriend "towards food and alcohol costs".

I was not warned beforehand, and it was only by pure luck I had enough cash on me. (It was a significant amount of money)

I am still grumpy about it all these years later because

a) I wasn't told beforehand;

b) I'm vegetarian, so being asked to pay for food that was 100% meat (seriously, there were zero vegetarian options) was annoying;

c) I don't drink, so being asked to pay for alcohol costs was annoying.

I have never had anything like this happen before or since.

Sometimes if I've been at a friends house watching films we've ordered home-delivered takeaway and each paid for what we got, but that was an "order what you feel like, pay for what you order" situation and there was plenty of ability to opt-out.
posted by carriage pulled by cassowaries at 11:14 AM on July 10, 2022 [4 favorites]

I don't think this is okay, but I would pay it.

my PRINCIPLE is: If you are spending money on food, you get to choose the food. If the food was chosen by someone else, they should pay for it.

My *very good* friends did this for one of their birthdays a couple years ago - it was handled a little better, pre-telling people that they were going to be charged before the party, but still, $20/each to attend a party with your friends at their house is weird. No one liked it and we all talked about how tacky it was behind their backs. If they had been broke I think we all would have felt different, but they weren't.

It also makes things awkward because you start judging the monetary value you recouped. Like, did we each get our $20 worth of wine and cheese? I made a cheesecake, which costs about $60 in ingredients (its a beautiful cheesecake) and normally I'd never think twice about baking it for a friend's birthday! But in this case, should me and my husband have been allowed to attend the party for free? Should someone have reimbursed me for my time and ingredients out of the money they "made" off the guests at the party? It makes it weird.

I'd pay the bill because I don't like being the person who is the problem. If you pay, they're definitely the problem, as this is so weird. You get to tell the story and laugh. If you don't pay, they'll think you're the problem - guest who won't pay her party bill. And I think it will give a worse, more petty flavour to what is otherwise a pretty funny/ridiculous situation.
posted by euphoria066 at 11:27 AM on July 10, 2022 [11 favorites]

ok first of all this is hilarious. This is a great story.

Indeed. Reminds me of the time an employer of mine asked me to dinner at his favorite restaurant. This is someone who has told me he's worth north of 300M. We go to dinner and afterwards, the host comes up and says, "Mr Regular'sName, it was lovely to see you again. Could I bring you and your guest complimentary desserts?"

To which my employer answered, "I'd prefer a small discount on the bill. Thank you."
posted by dobbs at 11:33 AM on July 10, 2022 [10 favorites]

As much as I can't imagine charging people for food at a party at my house, I also honestly can't imagine not paying in this situation once I'd been asked. You say you can easily afford it, and clearly it means more to them than it does to you. So just pay it, and as others have said, use this experience to inform your future interactions (or lack thereof) with them.
posted by primethyme at 11:39 AM on July 10, 2022 [3 favorites]

No. I like bilabial's suggestion of privately approaching to check in. It also accomplishes the other thing needed here, which is getting the message to her that this is not ok.
posted by Dashy at 11:43 AM on July 10, 2022 [4 favorites]

I personally feel paying out normalizes this behavior for them. I'd ignore, then if asked, play it like they were joking. With added purposeful awkwardness towards them if they insist or insist they aren't joking. That's just my style I guess. And yes, I'd be over this relationship.
posted by tiny frying pan at 11:44 AM on July 10, 2022 [7 favorites]

It's weird, I would never do it or recommend that someone else do it-- but I also would not consider it a friendship ending event or evidence of their moral bankruptcy.

Money and friends can introduce a lot of weirdness and sometimes people get it wrong. Idk. It's $30, that doesn't seem to be a huge amount of money for you.
posted by geegollygosh at 11:45 AM on July 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

If you're all older than about 24, then this isn't normal.

I am conflict-averse enough to pay it and move on -- but also grudge-y enough to simply drop these people as a result.

How much do you like them? If you stay friends, I would never break bread with them again.
posted by wenestvedt at 11:45 AM on July 10, 2022 [3 favorites]

I would be so passive-aggressive about this. In the Venmo "what's it for" field, I'd write something like "for the surprise bill sprung on us after the birthday party." And then fade from their lives. I mean, jeez, I'm barely hanging on and I would never do that if I'd set up a party at my house and it wasn't agreed beforehand it was potluck or something. Cheap people baffle me, especially well to do cheap jerks.
posted by kitten kaboodle at 11:46 AM on July 10, 2022 [6 favorites]

I read the question three times because I was so sure I'm missing a detail that would render this more understandable. Nope. Just truly weird.
I'd pay them, then forget them.
posted by Nieshka at 12:02 PM on July 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

The only time my friend group (that I party regularly with) pays to attend a party hosted at someone's home is when it's a group decision to order catering, like a fancy premade thanksgiving. We also tend to kick in sides and booze when we're the guests, unless the host specifies "only bring yourselves." But that's because we all like to cook or make cocktails. So this is I heard of.

So unheard of, that if a friend did this I'd be asking if everything is all right. So I'd probably pay it and then touch base in the near future, ideally in person and perhaps one on one in case of spousal abuse. Maybe something is going on they haven't told me, or they're feeling they shell out more than everyone else. Whatever it is, I'd want to know.

I did used to hang out with someone who I could see doing this because they're cheap. I faded away for other reasons,but if they'd done this I'd probably still ask if everything was ok. If they said yes I'd probably then ask why they didn't make the request at the door and tell them to let me know ahead of time if there's going to be a charge. If they're cheap but not jerks, that should be fine with them.
posted by ghost phoneme at 12:05 PM on July 10, 2022 [2 favorites]

I'd pay the $30 just because this is so weird that I would worry about what kind of bizarre wrath I could incur from them if I didn't pay it. I would also bow out of any potential gatherings with them in the future and do my best to fall off their radar.

Bear in mind it's possible they have serious financial problems you aren't aware of.
posted by wondermouse at 12:07 PM on July 10, 2022 [4 favorites]

It's not at all normal -- I wouldn't do this and I doubt I know anyone who would -- but lots of people are abnormal in lots of ways -- I would pay, since it's obviously no hardship for you, and then continue to socialize with them exactly the way you'd be inclined to had this not happened. It certainly sounds like they would not have charged you if they'd served the food they originally intended to, but that something about the fact that they had to order from a restaurant last minute triggered a reclassification in their mind from a "we're having you over" event to a "we're getting takeout from a restaurant" event. If you were close friends with them, I think it would be worth letting them know that their actions were going to seem weird to a lot of people, but for acquaintances, I'd just pay the $30 without comment and stay acquaintances.

You actually asked two questions: is it normal of them to ask? (which I answered) and Is it ethical for me to refuse to pay? That's more complicated. I would say you are within your rights to refuse to pay, since you didn't have any reasonable expectations of being charged, but that paying would be the nicer thing to do.
posted by escabeche at 12:10 PM on July 10, 2022 [3 favorites]

Charging people after the fact when they accepted an invite with no charge associated is so beyond…beyond.

I knew you were going to say they were well-off. People who have to watch their wallets and who save enough to host an event are proud to provide for their guests and would be too embarrassed to charge even if there were an unexpected expense. You don’t have a bbq because you want to spend exactly $x, you have it to hang out with your friends and feed them up.

I would pay it very late and I would pay $25, DARING them to confront me. Passive-aggression has its place when you need to get a message across but your recipient just isn’t reasonable. I would also, if I didn’t care to see them again, say “really?” on the memo. Okay, I probably wouldn’t do that last part juuuust in case there were extenuating circumstances and to preserve my high ground. But I absolutely would pay it a day late and a dollar short, so to speak.
posted by kapers at 12:42 PM on July 10, 2022

Seems like there are a lot of Midwesterners on this thread. This former New Yorker, would ignore, not pay, and if asked tell them directly that I will not be paying. Who cares what these people think of you.
posted by brookeb at 12:50 PM on July 10, 2022 [17 favorites]

I probably would ignore the request and ghost them. According to Miss Manners, this is terribly rude, even if done in advance. To invite someone and then charge them after they've been at the party, is so much worse.

I like the idea of venmo-ing $15 or even 30, with a note saying I hadn't realized this was a fundraiser but I'm not sure I'd do it.
posted by theora55 at 12:56 PM on July 10, 2022 [6 favorites]

I cannot conceive of a situation where, as the host, I would think this is okay. If I had planned one thing for food and it didn't pan out, and I had to order in or something, oh well! Now, if people offered, unsolicited, to pitch in, sure I'd probably be grateful. But to spring a surprise charge on your guests? "What the fuck?!" isn't nearly strong enough.

For me, especially In These Times, where my emotional & social batteries are precious, this would indicate to me that these are people that I definitely do not need polluting my life. I would ghost them, but $30 to be rid of toxic people seems a deal, too. Heck, tell them the bottle of wine you brought was $30, so call it a wash.
posted by xedrik at 1:19 PM on July 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

If you're truly sure there's nothing wrong in your friend's life... I'd just send the guy a $30 gift card to Cracker Barrel.
posted by ojocaliente at 1:42 PM on July 10, 2022 [5 favorites]

I read a similar question on Reddit a few weeks ago, but I can't find it (and don't know what subreddit it was in). The answers there were the same: This is some dumb, dumb shit. Like everyone else, I find it baffling. If your friend were to mention some kind of payment in advance, fine. You can make a decision whether or not to pay to go celebrate a birthday. But to do so after the event? Looney tunes. But the fact that I've now seen this same question twice in as many months makes me wonder if this is some sort of new thing that people are doing -- and who the people are who are doing so.
posted by jdroth at 1:52 PM on July 10, 2022 [6 favorites]

I would absolutely, positively not pay it, full stop. Let them embarrass themselves by having to you ask for it directly. And even if they asked I’d laugh in their faces, invite them to sue me in small claims court if they needed the 30 bucks that badly, and ghost with extreme prejudice.
posted by holborne at 2:09 PM on July 10, 2022 [3 favorites]

I am glad a read all the replies first. I would not have thought of the man-as-terrorist angle but can’t be discounted.

I would pay them 36 dollars with a note that you hope they didn’t have to bear the burden of tipping all on their own. If they return the six, great, you might see them down the road if you are in the mood. Otherwise hard ghost.
posted by drowsy at 2:55 PM on July 10, 2022 [2 favorites]

Not paying or paying is your option, you could make an ok case for either. On the other hand, they are giving you an awful lot of useful information about themselves. 30 bucks is a bargain price for the insight they are providing as to who they are. Personally, I would pay the 30 and erase them. You should erase them either way.
posted by jcworth at 4:23 PM on July 10, 2022 [3 favorites]

I think there are scenarios in which "everyone shares the price of takeout to cover a disaster with the planned menu" could be reasonable, but they pretty much rely on the guests volunteering to participate, not on the hosts billing everyone afterward.

Yes, and also, they said they realized the day before that the BBQ wasn't working, and picked out and ordered the food for guests ahead of arrival. I could maybe forgive it if they were short on cash, let everyone know ahead of time that the BBQ broke and asked if people wanted to order out, what they wanted, and if they minded paying...
posted by bearette at 4:34 PM on July 10, 2022 [5 favorites]

I would not pay.

If everyone else in attendance was asked to pay (not clear from your question, but I'd be curious to know), I highly doubt you would be the only person who ignores this YIKES of a request.
posted by wats at 4:45 PM on July 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

This is very weird and I would absolutely check in with the wife. Just like send the money and then make a coffee date so you know she’s able to talk freely and let her vent about how the BBQ and party went. Because something went very wrong here and it’s worth knowing if it’s just them being generally awful people or if her life has blown up. Besides, a lot of “very well off” people are living paycheck to paycheck and this mishap may have actually really put them in a bad spot. I would feel extremely miffed and enjoy telling this story enormously, but it leaves me feeling concerned for her safety in some slippery way.
posted by Bottlecap at 4:55 PM on July 10, 2022 [4 favorites]

Given that the wife issued both the invitation and the bill I'm not sure she's the one who may be in trouble here. If you're going to get involved, make sure to check in with the husband too.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:23 PM on July 10, 2022 [2 favorites]

The only thing akin to this in my group of friends is when someone is hosting a group of 20+ people for multiple days and we'll set out a tip bowl to help with the groceries (and some of the guests will just directly pay for some of the grocery runs or rounds of takeout).

But we would never do what you described without very clear communication ahead of time so people could decide whether they were interested in a $35 catered BBQ meal or not.
posted by Candleman at 5:59 PM on July 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

I would probably pay it, just to have it done with. But if they ever invite you to anything again, before accepting ask them politely but bluntly "how much will the cost be?" and base your decision to attend or not on the answer.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 6:03 PM on July 10, 2022

These people suck and likely don't have many friends who stick around. You can choose to pay or not pay. I was in a similar situation once that was even more bizarre and even costlier: I chose to pay, then end the friendship. They simply did not understand but I tried!

This is not normal. I could see if they were in their early 20s and had asked for a few bucks in advance or had a potluck like normal people but not this ridiculousness! That said, people like this do seem to exist and many of us live to tell the tale. I was on a queer meet up app recently and some people invited strangers to their house for a queer tea party. A fee was insinuated but not directly stated. I kind of understand where they're coming from but still, no thanks. Actually I knew of another queer event series at someone's house that was like this: again, it didn't last because it's too off-putting. House shows (as in live musical performances by indie touring artists) are different because a price is stated on all advertising material: it's clear that the money is for the bands, not the venue, and food isn't usually part of it.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:17 PM on July 10, 2022

This happened with some of my neighbors. One set of neighbors invited another set over for pizza. The visiting couple brought beer and wine. As they were leaving they were asked to pay the hosts back for the pizza. I don't remember how it was resolved but I do know the story has traveled all around the neighborhood and is still talked about at parties even though it's been at least 8 years since the event, because most people would agree that it is NOT ok to charge guests for food after the fact.
posted by jenjenc at 7:21 PM on July 10, 2022 [3 favorites]

Please don't send them the $30. You will only be encouraging their antisocial behavior.

If you want to be friendly about it, make a $30 donation to some cause you support and send them a card letting them know that you made a donation in their name. If you want to be slightly less friendly, make the donation to Oxfam.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 8:07 PM on July 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

Pay them but include an invoice that Deducts the cost of the wine, the card, the gas, and your rate of $150 for each hour you were there.
posted by pmaxwell at 9:32 PM on July 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

I would pay and then just consider the ‘friendship’ over. Not paying and waiting for them to mention it or deducting the cost of wine or whatever drags it out and makes you petty and you lose any moral high ground as well.

And good story, you know?! I’ll make a mental note that if I ever want to go no contact with a whole group of people really quickly and start afresh with a clean slate and no one in my life, just charge them for a meal at my home!
posted by Jubey at 11:44 PM on July 10, 2022 [3 favorites]

Joining the chorus of yeah, its a weird/rude/offputting request.

But, the prevailing wisdom here of paying and THEN ghosting is approaching that same level of weird... these are nominally your friends you've socialized with enough times, right?

Use your words. Ask them what's up with tacky ask for money. And, assuming their answer doesn't make much sense (99% it'll be something like "the BBQ was sooooo expensive... ugh") then make the choice to pay or not, if you want, and reduce or stop socializing with them.

You don't really need to contribute to the confusion/fraying of social norms by paying and then ghosting - that's seriously mixed messages.
posted by RajahKing at 8:31 AM on July 11, 2022 [3 favorites]

Ghost and don't pay. This is horrible behavior. If they're having an emergency that means they need to raise money quickly, there are other ways to do that than charging their party guests - lots of people have gofundmes for their emergency situations. Don't pay as it will make them think that their request was legitimate, and don't hang out with them anymore.

If they push it, itemize your expenditures and then if that's less than what they want to charge you, add a charge for your time attending.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:49 AM on July 11, 2022

Either something is wrong and someone is in danger or suffering, in which case this bizarre action is forgivable under the "desperate cry for help" clause of the social contract, or not. If it is not a cry for help, then this cannot be tolerated. There is no higher moral ground to be seized by paying the BBQ "debt" (it's not a debt!). Paying the $30 is you acting to support the folie à deux these two are in. It would be harmful to them because it would allow them to continue on unchallenged believing that the world is their personal bouncehouse and all the other people in it are there for their amusement. Push back, in honor of the barely existing friendship, in honor of them being other humans like you on the planet and deserving, like all of us, of mercy. In this case, the merciful thing to do is to be honest, not fake-generous and sneaky. Refuse to pay and in doing so offer this couple a chance to join their brethren in the real world where we do not randomly send invoices to unobligated people.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:09 AM on July 11, 2022 [5 favorites]

No it's not okay, and it's not something you should have expected.

If I'm reading your story correctly, you arrived at the house to learn that their BBQ wasn't working (which they'd known for about 24 hours), and that they had ordered delivery. It wasn't until after you got home that she sent a text message asking for $30. She had three opportunities to let people know: a day in advance, when they arrived at the house, or before they left the party. But she chose to wait, thereby avoiding conflict, and hoping everyone else would also want to avoid conflict and just pay. She chose to ask for the money via text instead of asking you face to face, and having a conversation about it.

I wouldn't pay, because then she'll think what she did is okay or at least that she can get away with it.

Another decision is whether you say anything, which depends on a bunch of factors. How many friends do you have in common, how often will you cross paths, do you consider her enough of a friend to want to talk about it and clear the air? Best scenario (for the future of the friendship, if you care at all about that) is to ask her why she asked for money, see what she says and take it from there...if that's something you're comfortable doing.
posted by daikon at 5:18 PM on July 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

If, as indeed you indicate, I could pay the $30 without trouble, I’d pay it. Yes it’s weird, and I’d hang around to try to figure out what was going on with them. Either way that turned out, I’d consider it a good price for a good story going forward. And in general, I’d think to myself that they likely needed the $30 more than I did.
posted by anthropomorphic at 6:56 PM on July 11, 2022 [2 favorites]

I would ask about it. You were gonna ghost em anyway, so what have you got to lose?
posted by Lady Li at 9:06 PM on July 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

The only time I can imagine having done anything like this was when I was fresh out of college and the only person in my social circle who ever hosted anything (for entirely reasonable reasons, they all lived with their parents and I was the one who had an apartment of my own) so the standard "whoever hosts pays" system would have ended up with me footing every bill. But we worked our systems out in advance (excluding one awkward chat with a friend about drinking all my booze and never bringing any), and talked about it, not surprise bills.
posted by Lady Li at 9:11 PM on July 11, 2022 [2 favorites]

Yeah, I've changed my mind about paying to avoid the conflict. I'd ignore the whole thing. If she escalates you can send an itemized bill for your wine, time, gas money etc.

(If she knew her bbq wasn't working why didn't she just tell folks to bring something and make it a potluck?!)
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:26 AM on July 12, 2022 [1 favorite]

I mean, if you’re thinking of just paying the money and dropping them as friends anyway…

I would make this a learning/shaming moment and go with ignoring the “request” (bill) until they send it again and then reply with something like

“Oh, I thought you were making a very weird joke...?

Because, I mean, who would think it was acceptable to try and BILL their guests after they attended a birthday BBQ as invitees?

[PERSON’S NAME], if no one else has said anything yet, I’m sure you can chalk that up to everyone else being embarrassed and not wanting to embarrass you; but trying to charge your guests after having invited them to your party is something that is neither NORMAL nor ACCEPTABLE hosting behavior
(and comes off as just embarassingly presumptious/uncultured, and looks like some sort of “treat your friends as ‘revenue streams’” MLM-type cash-grab).

[this part if relevant] I value you and [SPOUSE] as friends and I hope this was just some weird covid-brain oversight or something. That being said, if you are having financial problems, please let me know—no judgement whatsoever—as I may be able to help brainstorm some better, more productive alternatives. I know these past couple of years have been incredibly trying, so they are certainly plenty of things I have had to adjust financially and so I may have some good ideas/tips.”

posted by blueberry at 2:36 PM on July 12, 2022

When/if resolved, please do update us with the outcome…
posted by Ahmad Khani at 3:10 PM on July 12, 2022 [5 favorites]

The only answer is: deduct the cost of the wine you brought (unless you drank the entire bottle yourself), then pay/invoice for the balance. $20 wine? They get $10. $45 wine? You bill them for $15. Win-win!
posted by tristeza at 3:52 PM on July 12, 2022

DON’T GIVE THEM A SINGLE FUCKING CENT. Ignore, leave their venmo request on read. If you want some kind of moral high ground, go to the restaurant they got takeout from and say you’d like to tip for a large BBQ order made over the weekend. Again, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT GIVE THESE PEOPLE YOUR MONEY.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:44 PM on July 12, 2022 [4 favorites]

If this was someone I cared for, or at least anticipated continuing contact with, I would pay up this time and then ask about it the next time they invite me over. "Last time I noticed you asked us to pay for the meal afterwards. Did you have any particular reason for doing that?" If asked to elaborate I would say "I just want to know if I can expect this going forward, it is a bit unusual, if entertaining has become a drain on your resources I could have everyone to my place, etc." That last bit is admittedly passive-aggressive and it would depend on the way the conversation was going and mainly I would be interested to know if they were having real problems or if something had changed in some other way.
posted by BibiRose at 9:33 AM on July 13, 2022 [1 favorite]

FWIW I've heard from acquaintances who moved there that in Denmark it might be expected for guests to cover costs of food and drink served at a party. They said they were in a situation like you described, receiving a bill after a party. I don't live in Denmark so I have no idea if this is true or not. So maybe add a layer of cultural ambiguity to this situation.
posted by gakiko at 2:38 AM on July 15, 2022

I'd pay to avoid drama, but with a note saying, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were having financial troubles!"
posted by metasarah at 10:13 AM on August 5, 2022