Why are my family members leaving me out?

May 30, 2022 3:19 PM

Close family members (cousins) are leaving me out of their “cool girls club”; I don’t understand why and and it’s making me very upset.

I grew up with an extended family where cousins were as close as siblings. There are three particular ones - we’re all female around the same age with a year or so difference- with whom I grew particularly close with since we were born.

Life, and especially adulthood, sent us all away for studies and later on living/settling but I happened to be the one who had to go the furthest from them all as they continue to live in the same continent but different countries, while I’m across the ocean.

During this time I’ve tried my best to stay as close as possible through visits (whenever time and work and finances would permit it), social media, Skype etc. But as the years pass, I feel like all my efforts have become one-sided and almost never reciprocated. I’m the one always remembering birthdays and sending wishes on holidays, the one initiating most conversations. The responses are warm and cordial but almost always now initiated by me.

I understand the pressures of adult life, especially considering they all have small kids now, but what really hurts me is that it doesn’t seem like they’ve grown equally distant from each other. They see each other more frequently due to the shorter distances between them and, this is very childish, but their interactions on social media are so much more enthused and frequent when compared to mine. They all leave loving comments on each others’ pictures frequently, and I just get the occasional like and maybe an emoji here and there, if that.

I know this makes me sound like I’m 12 years old and I’m very ashamed of it but it really hurts me because these people were almost like my sisters growing up, and since I was the one who had to end up living the furthest away from the rest, I became acutely aware of how distance causes relationships to fray as I struggled frequently with loneliness.

I don’t understand why they have left me out when I try so much to be included and the rejection really hurts my feelings. I don’t want to bring it up with any of them because it would be ridiculous and awkward, but I do want to be able to deal with it in a way that doesn’t cause me pain or distress.

I frequently wonder if it is me. I guess they’re somewhat more aligned in their interests, they all have small kids and I don’t have any yet, and I do know I’ve been occasionally judged by the general extended family for delaying having a family in favor of finishing grad school and then pursuing a somewhat demanding career. Do they seem me as a pathetic nerd who’s not “cool enough” to keep in contact with? This is waking up all kinds of adolescent insecurities in me and I’m very embarrassed to be in my mid thirties and handling this so poorly. What hurts me is both the rejection and the loss of relationships that I really valued.

I welcome any advice, comments or stories you have to share in how I can frame this so that I feel less shitty about myself

posted by Riverside to Human Relations (22 answers total)

You're in a different country, without kids, in a different life situation. That probably sums it all up right there as to why you have to do more work and they are more distant. It's really hard to be friends with people with kids when you don't have them, in particular. People with kids want to talk about kids and that's most of what they have to talk about.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:46 PM on May 30, 2022 [48 favorites]

Best answer: Your feelings aren't foolish, and the differences you've noticed in social media interactions are real and perceptive.

Anyone who tells you you're being childish is avoiding the fact that emotion and the emotion of relationships is the core, the meaning, the purpose of life itself. They are in fact trying to avoid dealing with you as a whole human being, which is not what you are due as a human being.

So -- stop telling yourself this. Tell yourself that you are very kind and intelligent, and then use your intelligence and kindness to ask for what you need, either from your cousins or from someone else.
posted by amtho at 3:48 PM on May 30, 2022 [12 favorites]

It is not ridiculous and awkward to tell people you love that you are feeling lonely and left out and desire more closeness. In fact, it is those very people who you ought to! Part of intimacy, which I think is what you are craving, and emotional closeness is the vulnerability of expressing your insecurities and needs. You can’t have that deep emotional closeness and warmth without the vulnerability.
posted by Bottlecap at 3:54 PM on May 30, 2022 [2 favorites]

Best answer: One thing I stop doing is framing this as a problem of being left out of the "cool girls club." I don't see anything here that suggests you're being left out - you left - both in terms of geography but also in terms of your life path. As others have already noted, young moms tend to like to talk with other young moms about their kids, so I wouldn't be surprised it that's part of the social media disparity you've noticed (it would also explain why the algorithm might be working against you).

As someone who has moved around a lot, I empathize with your feeling of loss - it's certainly valid - but I wouldn't take it personally. Prolonged long-distance relationships are hard to sustain (especially if one of the people in them has small kids). What I would take from this feeling of loss is the knowledge that after you finish grad school, that perhaps what's more important to you than professional prestige is a job closer to friend/family - that's valuable information to know about yourself!
posted by coffeecat at 4:09 PM on May 30, 2022 [11 favorites]

I think you may want to consider strengthening those one-on-one relationships (e.g. schedule those video or phone calls). Perhaps you will eventually feel comfortable bringing up your feelings during one of these calls.

In the meantime though... remember what feels like rejection can often be explained by busyness. I think a lot of friendships in adulthood are defined by proximity.

I think the good news is that this situation isn't necessarily forever. The kids will get older, and less dependent on their parents. At some point you may no longer be separated from your cousins by an entire ocean.
posted by oceano at 4:22 PM on May 30, 2022 [2 favorites]

Best answer: This hurt to read, I felt it so hard. Please accept many, many internet stranger hugs plus virtual warm brownies and tea. Or beer or wine, your choice.

I came in here initially to say that it's kids, but then Rock 'em Sock 'em's comment reminded me that there is also The Algorithm. It is absolutely that, too. Facebook is almost certainly sorting cousins into kidded and nonkidded and doing its usual ruinous evil machinating work of destruction by only showing the kidded cousins one another's stuff and leaving you out. Even if it's only just partly that or mostly that, if I were you I would assume it's all that. Why blame your cousins when you can't know for sure? One, it's just easier on everybody to blame facebook than to think people you love who love you and wouldn't want to hurt you are leaving you out. And two, it probably really is entirely stupidass goddamn facebook. Because facebook is the devil incarnate and is actively seeking to destroy all that is good about humanity.

But also everything everybody has said about being friends with people who have kids when you don't have kids is true. I lost a few friends. It is hard. On the other hand, the kids do grow up. I stayed friends with a couple of my childed friends through it all and a couple of years ago another one came wandering on back now that everyone's kids are headed off to college. Now we talk again about all kinds of stuff rather than only ever their kids.
posted by Don Pepino at 4:38 PM on May 30, 2022 [8 favorites]

Part of it might be the physical distance. There's really something about physical distance that translates to a felt sense of distance. Even though a lot of communication takes place online, I find that people who live locally just feel more integrated into my life. This may not explain all of what's going on with your cousins, but it's almost certainly a piece of it.
posted by swheatie at 4:46 PM on May 30, 2022 [3 favorites]

I would probably have similar feelings if I were in your situation, but as an impartial internet stranger I think there are quite a few things here that could explain what's going on more easily than them deciding to leave you out. As others have pointed out, you are physically distant, and at least a few time zones away, and your life and interests have taken a different turn. It's entirely possible that the algorithm is screening you out of their feeds, and vice versa.

Another thing that I've noticed over the years is that many of my friends with kids have gone through a phase where they think their lives with little ones are not interesting to people without. It's almost like they don't want to be the stereotypical parent talking about their children all the time, but they need to focus on them, so they drift away unless I make it clear that I'm interested.

The antidote to all this is to connect with them more personally and directly, perhaps without social media. Also, I'd suggest that it might be a good idea to think about whether you are getting enough face to face social interaction where you live. Your cousins are no doubt great but they are far away, and having more connections to people you can actually see on a regular basis might ease some of your loneliness.
posted by rpfields at 4:57 PM on May 30, 2022 [7 favorites]

If you are using Facebook to connect with friends, I'd like to reiterate what Rock 'em Sock 'em mentioned: Facebook's evil algorithm is notorious for sometimes skipping over personal updates from Friends, and instead feeding junk with some random Friend posts mixed in. Personal anecdote: we missed some Friend posts of significant life changes that were not visible in our feed until we went back later to dig them out of Friend's histories.

Also, it's normal for parents with young kids to be busy and really distracted, and it's normal for people separated by distances and busy careers to not seem as close as we were. You should not feel bad about it, you're doing your best. You may have to try being patient, and maybe carry on initiating conversations without expecting as much in return.
posted by ovvl at 5:05 PM on May 30, 2022 [4 favorites]

I post about a range of stuff on the socials. The only stuff that get real “engagement” is pictures of my cute kid. Anything I post that is political or news-oriented gets none to a few reactions. Not only does the algorithm push cute personal photos above all else, people just often only want to engage on that. I also think you should directly talk to these cousins. Call your favorite just to catch up. Ask, “what cool tricks can the kiddo do now?” And inquire about their life and changes. Young kids are fully immersive and also can isolate you. From sleep deprivation to milestone worries to the marathon of keeping a young one alive while still living for yourself and being a partner in a marriage, it can be a relief to just shorthand with other parents of young kids. If you keep up with them, though, things will get easier and they will want to broaden their social network and support. My kiddo is 11 and it’s just been these last couple of years that I felt like I could hang with people again who don’t have kids. I’m finally getting my ME back.
posted by amanda at 5:10 PM on May 30, 2022 [1 favorite]

Another factor is frequency of contact. With my closest friend, I know that she has her father-in-law's party today so I will ask her about that. Likewise, she will know my weekend plans and ask me in return. Whereas with my friend who I am in touch with monthly, I will only hear about the things that reach the level of a monthly highlight reel, like trips or major illness.

When you combine those less-frequent contacts with some imposed mundane patterns related to having little kids or being in a pandemic, it can be really hard to converse. During isolation, most people's biggest news was "took a walk." People with work and little kids often have a daily grind with not much new to report unless you get really granular like "kid-1 went up a size so I had to buy all new clothes in time for camp." If you can stay in weekly contact, you can hear more about these little things and the conversation will be easier to be a part of.
posted by xo at 5:11 PM on May 30, 2022 [3 favorites]

Good advice here already.

I think, as your logical brain recognises, it’s distance, and specifically the lack of face to face time. Being together in the same place maintains rapport and easy familiarity that spills over into phone/online etc in a very natural way. Heck, I have awesome friends at work, but we all work from home a lot and I can feel us drift apart when we’ve not been in the office together. How much more so across continents?

I feel for you — I have a number of people in my life in a similar position, and they all mourn the loss of closeness with friends and family they’ve left behind. Geography is big. When communicating takes an effort, you talk less, and you slowly become less aware of the details of someone’s life, which makes communication more effort, which… You get the picture. Even actual sisters find themselves in the same position; Mrs Burrito struggles with this a lot. There’s no real fix for the situation, just a coming to terms with feelings.

On the plus side, it’s not at all personal. You didn’t screw up anything, and it’s no judgment on your value as a person. To an extent, falling away from some friends and family — and into other relationships — is normal anyway, you’re just experiencing it at a more severe pace because of being further away. It is not you, it’s where you are.

Again, you know all this I’m sure. Listen to your brain, it’s not crazy.

It’s always going to be unfair, but I suppose the simple truth is that these people’s absence in your life, as a group, is more noticeable than yours, as one person, could ever be in theirs.

Maybe think of it this way: the effort you put in is what means you can still have a good time when you visit, and pick up as friends rather than feeling like strangers. It’s an investment. You may always get less back, friendship-wise, than you put into it. But, if you don’t want to let go of your past (and why the heck should you), this may be the price. That connection has value for its own sake. Is it worth it? Assess, decide, act accordingly.

One last thought. It’s definitely not childish to feel these things. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t feel like this at times, and we aren’t in control of how things make us feel. The difference between adults and children lies in how we deal with it. Don’t be ashamed of having some FOMO. Name it. Tell it, no thank you. And then then put it back in its box.
posted by breakfast burrito at 5:24 PM on May 30, 2022 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you all for the very kind responses, I’m moved deeply. Some answers made an interesting point about social media algorithms - although I was referring to Instagram instead of Facebook, not sure if IG has the same algorithm concept.
posted by Riverside at 5:42 PM on May 30, 2022

It does, yeah. Here's some information, from the point of view of someone hoping to game Insta's algos.
posted by humbug at 6:10 PM on May 30, 2022 [3 favorites]

I have a similar situation with my sisters— I’ve sort of made peace with the fact that not only am I the one who left, I left for a reason. I love them all deeply but we’ve always had different interests and desires and it’s natural we don’t have the same closeness we did when we were kids and had so much in common. I still reach out, but I try to honor the fact that it’s not an accident that I moved elsewhere and have no kids (yet). To stay would’ve been a betrayal of myself, and those relationships would have suffered as a consequence.
posted by stoneandstar at 6:56 PM on May 30, 2022 [4 favorites]

Unless you are taking significant and persistent steps to counteract their manipulation of your feed/timeline/home page ("it's for your own good, we promise, and it only coincidentally makes us more money) , then IG, FB, Twitter, etc are all guiding what you see via their algorithms, and also what other people see of your posts. There is no way to know if your friends are ever actually being shown all your posts, or that you see all theirs, unless you are manually going to each of their feeds specifically and refreshing frequently.
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 6:58 PM on May 30, 2022 [2 favorites]

I can see how much this hurts and I think that’s very understandable. But I think the way you’re framing it to yourself is making it worse in a few ways.

Frame 1: They’ve made a conscious choice to exclude you, or they don’t like you as much. Honestly, this seems unlikely. More likely: they see each other more and have more easy topics to talk about because they all have little kids.

Frame 2: They are the cool girls and think you’re a nerd. I don’t get that AT ALL. If anything, you’d be the cool one, since you’re living far away and doing the single (or not) thing in the city. They might assume you think their lives are boring. But again, more likely, they just know your life is different and they don’t know how or don’t have the energy to bridge that difference.

Frame 3: it would be pathetic or embarrassing to tell them how you feel. You GOTTA drop this. This is the frame that will turn a bit of weirdness into lifelong distance. You don’t need to make a big speech to all of them, or even say you feel left out. I would suggest reaching out 1-1 to the cousin you feel closest to, and say “hey I miss you, I’d love to catch up, can we do a FaceTime or phone call soon?” Focus on the 1-1 relationships you want to cultivate. My best friend lives thousands of miles away, and she has three kids (that she homeschools!) while I have none. It’s not always easy to keep the friendship going but we make it work with effort. (Which reminds me I gotta schedule a call with her)

Really: so many people are feeling lonely right now and it’s so easy to look at social media and assume no one else feels that way. But I bet at least one or two of your cousins would appreciate having you reach out and explicitly say you miss her.
posted by lunasol at 7:20 PM on May 30, 2022 [7 favorites]

You poor thing. This isn't about you at all. They are three women about the same age who all have young kids and still spend a lot of time together. Those are all very bonding experiences. It's not about not wanting to be close to you; it's just that adults with young kids tend to have little capacity.

For what it's worth, they might also see you as the cool one who got away, who is having exciting adventures.

I was in a group of three best buddies when I was in middle school and early high school. I grew close to some other girls and those two stayed best friends for decades. I was always so jealous even though, in retrospect, I can also see that I moved away from them a bit (just like you moved away literally). I have more recently found out that this hasn't been a healthy friendship at all. I'm not saying this to suggest your cousins aren't actually friends, but remember that what you see on social media isn't real life and also... what you see from the outside isn't necessarily what they are experiencing.

Part of leaving home for new adventures is taking distance from some people who we care about. I know it feels rejecting, but I don't think it's about you at all.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:46 PM on May 30, 2022

See the letter from "Sibling Rivalry" here: https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/05/end-all-ties-family-advice.html

I saw that and thought of you. It's another perspective - the LW is the mom of 4 adult children. The oldest is childfree and focuses on career and other pursuits. The other 3 all have small kids and are burnt out with parenting and look at their oldest sibling with some jealousy - the oldest has more personal freedom to do what they want.

I've no idea if your cousins may look at you similarly, but I agree it's important to disabuse yourself of the notion that they're forming a cool girl club and purposefully excluding you. And yeah, social media sucks.
posted by foxjacket at 8:38 AM on May 31, 2022

This doesn't seem very mysterious to me - it's because you live far away. I guess I'm like your cousins in that seeing a person IRL is, to me, the core of what a relationship is, and when that's not especially possible, it's hard for me to put much energy into the virtual pieces of the relationship (why yes, the pandemic did create a big problem for me, how did you guess?). I really don't think you need to look for explanations based on who you are, or what kind of life you're living, or even the (very real) evils of social media - the distance seems like a perfectly reasonable explanation to me.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:40 AM on May 31, 2022 [1 favorite]

This can absolutely be about changes to life and social media and all of that, but my question - and the thing I'm not seeing in your post - is: have you talked to them, singly or as a group, about that you feel left out, and would like that to change? They may genuinely see this as you choosing a different life path and not wanting to hang out while you see them as excluding you. The group of you can't resolve this issue if the rest of the group sees it as your personal choice rather than an issue for the group.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:59 AM on May 31, 2022

I'm so sorry that this situation is making you feel bad! If it's any consolation, please be 100% assured that if you went off someplace new to continue your education and take on a new challenge while they stayed in the same place, got married and had babies ... YOU are the Cool Girls Club. :)
posted by mccxxiii at 10:50 AM on May 31, 2022