A Card Conundrum

June 23, 2018 10:20 PM

I have sixteen first cousins once removed, ranging from 1-18 years old (I'm 28). I've seen most of them many times but I'm not close with any of them. The oldest just graduated high school! That got me wondering: what decisions should I make regarding cards or other recognition of life events?

I just realized it wouldn't seem super-late if I sent a congratulations card to the recent high school graduate--I still remember how many I received, including from more distant relatives. But what if I forget to do so for other cousins in the future? Am I overthinking?

Notes:
--I love my relatives, but I'm not close with any of them, in part because I'm awkward and socially uncomfortable around nearly all humans, included trusted family members.
--There are several sibling groups, so I don't want to remember some people and forget others.
--As of now, I like to mail Christmas cards to my aunts and uncles, my first cousins directly or via their parents, and my first cousins once removed (so far) via their parent(s). I usually get just one or two casual acknowledgments.
--I often forget or choose not to acknowledge other occasions like birthdays on Facebook.
--I don't have a big budget for gifts (but people would understand that).
--I haven't given any of these family members many cards or gifts, and most of the times I did I was under 18 and the kids were "little."
--I am liberal with "likes" on Facebook for some relatives who post frequently, which does include birthdays, parties, etc. It's uneven among family members since I don't check up as often on some people who post less frequently.
--It's occured to me that I'm over-the-moon excited about the youngest cousin, and I don't remember feeling quite this way about the older kids, so I want to be careful about showering disproportionate amounts of attention on that kid if that would seem unfair. But I also realize that I may be thinking about this more than anyone else would!

What would you recommend? Can you point me to any general guidelines? Am I overthinking the responsibility of remembering every person and being consistent, or would that be important to stay on top of so no one feels left out? (I know for things like gifts, some people just have a blanket rule of not participating for family members outside of what they consider to be their immediate circle, but I'm not sure what would apply to cards or minimal-expenditure gifts.)

posted by Carouselle to Human Relations (15 answers total)

I think Facebook likes are the new cards.
posted by bleep at 10:56 PM on June 23, 2018 [2 favorites]

A card and stamp are going to cost you five bucks. We are talking about an average of less than one graduation a year to keep track of. I'm not sure I see the dilemma here.

(If you just don't want to do it, then don't; I doubt anyone will be highly critical of you for not sending cards to first cousins once removed. But if your relations are generally good and you want them to stay that way as the kids transition into adulthood, this is just part of maintaining them.)
posted by praemunire at 11:29 PM on June 23, 2018 [1 favorite]

I think the question here is what do you want the relationship to be. If you would like to be closer and have ongoing ties with them, send them cards and reach out in ways that make a relationship possible. If you would rather not be bothered, lots of people don't have close relationships with their cousins' kids, and that's probably fine too.

You might also want to consider whether your cousins are really going to be comparing notes and getting offended by you having a closer relationship with some of them (or their kids) than the others. It's pretty normal for people to have some cousins they're closer to and who they spend more time with.
posted by Lady Li at 11:51 PM on June 23, 2018 [2 favorites]

Not a single one of my friends graduating college actually got cards from anybody except maybe grandparents. Or me, for that matter. I wouldn't have even thought of it. If you want to reach out and text or send a card or comment on Facebook (if it's a high schooler it's very likely that they won't have Facebook, but I don't recommend getting a Snapchat or Instagram to follow them). Or just say "tell the kid congrats" when you're next speaking to your cousin.
posted by storytam at 12:18 AM on June 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

Wait, once removed means what, these are the kids of your first cousins? Keep in touch with the cousins, congratulate the kids •through• them, and in person when you see them. If you’re a little more excited about the newest addition roll with that, you’re probably a bit closer with their parent or something too. There’s nothing wrong with having a “favorite aunt” or whatever who likes you a little extra. I love all my aunts but I know that aunt A has a little extra feels for aunt B’s kids because A and B are twins, and I know aunt C has a little extra for me because our lives have taken similar directions, but also because she was at a time in her life when I came along that I was the baby she was jazzed about, etc. Go visit the baby :)
posted by Iteki at 1:32 AM on June 24, 2018

My daughter just graduated college last month. She has received exactly one card (with cash inside!) from a relative that isn't a grandparent. I probably made $500-$1000 when I graduated college. Facebook ruins everything ;)

Seriously, my sense is nobody expects a card any more, which I guess would make actually sending them extra special.
posted by COD at 5:15 AM on June 24, 2018

I have a lot of cousins and cousins-removed of a wide age range, and I am someone who likes sending physical cards as a way to keep in contact. I wouldn't worry too much about this. I tend to send indiscriminately based on whether I have their address, whether it's an event that seems important / I know about, and whether I'm able.

For example, I usually make and send a little something to a cousin if they have a baby - but I didn't always, because when I was in college and right after, I was busy with my own shit and didn't have time to think about stuff like that. I don't think any of my cousins who happened to have babies at that time resent the fact that they never got a knitted beanie or whatever - they're not really comparing notes across the years, you know?

I think they only time you have to worry about favoritism is if you have a sibling group of a similar age and you're sending, say, a Christmas gift to one kid but not the others. That would be a little rude, IMO. But once everyone reaches teenage years and beyond, they will understand the concept of being a little closer to some family members than others. And if you happen to miss a kid, I doubt she's going to be calling up her brother or cousin and saying "so, when you graduated three years ago, did YOU get a card from Cousin Carouselle??"

My family is overall pretty laid-back though, so YMMV.
posted by cpatterson at 5:37 AM on June 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

I also have several 1st cousins once removed and I don't think I've sent any of them graduation cards. I felt too overwhelmed by the idea and the possibility of forgetting someone so I noped out. Looking back, when I was graduating I got cards from my mom's cousins if I had some kind of relationship with them - like, if they lived in the same town and saw me regularly or maybe tutored me in math or gave me books. She had several cousins I didn't get cards from and this did not bother me at all.

A decent rule of thumb might be to send a card if you receive a graduation invite. But it's fine to nope out, too.
posted by bunderful at 5:55 AM on June 24, 2018

I don't think "people don't send cards any more" is necessarily the right way to look at it. A fair number of people (myself included) are trying to push back against that and send more cards :)

That said, for something like high school graduations I wouldn't put too much thought into it: buy a stack of cards, send them out, if you accidentally miss someone, don't stress about it.

But that's easy for me to say as I have a much smaller family and none of my cousins are having kids any time soon.
posted by quaking fajita at 7:07 AM on June 24, 2018 [4 favorites]

A decent rule of thumb might be to send a card if you receive a graduation invite. But it's fine to nope out, too.

This has been my strategy, though I only have four cousins-once-removed to deal with, and I'm only marginally in touch with some of my cousins. But I figured that if my cousin made the effort to send me a graduation announcement/invitation to the party (they live several states away so while I'm sure they would have been ok with my showing up, I think the invitation part was perfunctory), it was worth reciprocating with a card to the graduate (though the last one I sent late, because I'm not super-good about these things). No gifts or money, though I almost wrote an AskMe about whether I should.
posted by lazuli at 7:35 AM on June 24, 2018

I have a similar number of firsts once removed (15), and with that distance of relationship I would agree with others that there is no need to apply a consistent standard across the board.

My relationships with these cousins range from never having met them to spending every summer together through high school and university, and I acknowledge events and occasions accordingly. No one has ever commented on my approach, even when it meant that I was giving small birthday gifts to one sibling and not another due to the fact that we were actually friends. Likewise, I would never expect any of them to treat me the same as a cousin they were closer to (some are quite close to each other).

TDLR :) - I think you’re overthinking this, and please, go ahead and develop a great relationship with the baby if that’s what you want to do.
posted by scrute at 7:56 AM on June 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

If I receive a graduation announcement, I send a card with money. So far, it’s been fewer family members and more the kids of my friends who started families right after college. I have the impression that the kids don’t have strong feelings about sending announcements and to whom, but that the parents give the kids a list of addresses. So I think of the whole process as being about my relationship with the parent (my friend). Ymmv, especially if you are close to the kids.
posted by Knowyournuts at 8:36 AM on June 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

My theory is that a card is of low enough perceived value that no one would be offended if they found out that someone else got a card and they didn't - it just isn't worth getting jealous about unless you have a family that is heavily into that kind of tit-for-tat accounting.

Second, first cousin once removed is family but it is enough distance that it will only feel like family if you actually cultivate the relationship. So I would lean on the side of doing something rather than nothing, even if you might miss a graduation or two over the next 18 years.
posted by metahawk at 9:40 AM on June 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

Sending cards is nice. Everyone likes to get a card. It's more exciting to get actual MAIL than a Facebook like, at this point. Just send the cards and don't worry about it so much (no one is comparing notes on cards, they're not like gifts, ESPECIALLY if these events are happening in different years)! If you're worried about missing someone, make a list of the cousins and double-check it now and then.

To everyone who has card-related stress: They are hard to screw up, I promise! Buy a bunch of cards at Target at once so you always have one. Go out and get stamps, so you have those always, too. Write something brief and loving and mail them. Done!
posted by Countess Sandwich at 11:19 AM on June 24, 2018 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: I decided to overcome multiple layers of guilt, self-consciousness, and "because Facebook," and sent a few FB messages I'd been procrastinating on, including one to the graduate's mom. I too lean pro-greeting cards, but I'll probably just keep it to Christmas and the rare birthday.
posted by Carouselle at 3:52 PM on June 24, 2018