Grandparenting models for grandchildren and grandpets
April 29, 2022 11:30 AM Subscribe
What kinds of positive grandparenting relationships do you have with your parents?
My husband and I have been mainly trusted, valued grandparents to a few grands (human and non-human) near and far. The near ones are our son's and daughter-in-law's children 4 and 2. We help out with babysitting, meeting the plumber kind of stuff, every couple of weeks. Due to proximity, we know their habits and preferences and respect them, and it's only a few hours at a time or a weekend. Our faraway adult child--a plane ride away--is the mother of a 9-year old. We've always visited for extended stays (month or more) when they've asked to help out during her and her former husband's busy work time. We always rented an airbnb except for stays shorter than a week when my husband or I went separately. When we weren't granding or pet sitting, we went off and did our own things to give them privacy.
Problem is that my daugher and I have had a fraught relationship that comes to the fore during our longer babysitting stays. We are both intense but intense about opposite things--daily habits, money, food, time. We can rub against each other in a flash, and we've had some blowups. As I get older, and health and age take their toll, I just don't recover from these blowups, which I don't have with any other important people in my life--not my husband, siblings, close friends. Our daughter and I did family therapy together way back in the more volatile teen years because we were on the road to estrangement. After that we've done much better, a bit tense, a bit distant but mainly agreeable and "okay enough." I had hoped the therapy would lead to a relaxed, warm relationship, but it hasn't. Plus, as adults, we have very little in common in interests and values. But we have each other in common and our darling granddaughter.
I want to find some casual, middle way to be a parent of an adult child and grandmother to a small one. What we have now is still fraught, polite, with blowups seeming to happen out of the blue. (Ex: Once she and her then spouse came into the bathroom while I was giving our granddaughter her bath--about six months old. They started posing for a selfie movies and asked me to smile. I turned to do so, and my daughter started screaming at me that I was letting the baby drown. (She was seated in one of those suction bath seats and I had my hand on her while smiling to the cameras!!!!) She unleashed every grievance she ever had with me. It was a horrible nightmare. I said I was sorry and rebooked my flight home.)
I hate to say it but I just want to be more of a friendly, visiting grandma, i.e. short pop-in visits to just go out and have fun and not babysit or pet sit at all since it frequently leads to blowups that leave me flattened and demoralized. (I'm the only one of four grandparents who pet sits because their wonderful animals aren't well trained and/or the other grands don't care for pets. So I'm the one who catches hell if the pet jumps on a neighbor or eats an expensive shoe.)
Is there a grandparent equivalent of "Can we just be friends?" Our too-often tense relationship seems so baked in I don't see a way to change it since it's gone on for so long despite therapy. Does any adult daughter or son out there have a friendly "visitor only" relationship with your parents minus long-term baby and pet sitting? My own parents never babysat for their grandchildren nor did my husband's. We lived far away. They came for visits. Our children adored them and they adored our children. It was all fun and games and no overlapping of "real" daily life. Tell me if you have this and how it works.
My husband and I have been mainly trusted, valued grandparents to a few grands (human and non-human) near and far. The near ones are our son's and daughter-in-law's children 4 and 2. We help out with babysitting, meeting the plumber kind of stuff, every couple of weeks. Due to proximity, we know their habits and preferences and respect them, and it's only a few hours at a time or a weekend. Our faraway adult child--a plane ride away--is the mother of a 9-year old. We've always visited for extended stays (month or more) when they've asked to help out during her and her former husband's busy work time. We always rented an airbnb except for stays shorter than a week when my husband or I went separately. When we weren't granding or pet sitting, we went off and did our own things to give them privacy.
Problem is that my daugher and I have had a fraught relationship that comes to the fore during our longer babysitting stays. We are both intense but intense about opposite things--daily habits, money, food, time. We can rub against each other in a flash, and we've had some blowups. As I get older, and health and age take their toll, I just don't recover from these blowups, which I don't have with any other important people in my life--not my husband, siblings, close friends. Our daughter and I did family therapy together way back in the more volatile teen years because we were on the road to estrangement. After that we've done much better, a bit tense, a bit distant but mainly agreeable and "okay enough." I had hoped the therapy would lead to a relaxed, warm relationship, but it hasn't. Plus, as adults, we have very little in common in interests and values. But we have each other in common and our darling granddaughter.
I want to find some casual, middle way to be a parent of an adult child and grandmother to a small one. What we have now is still fraught, polite, with blowups seeming to happen out of the blue. (Ex: Once she and her then spouse came into the bathroom while I was giving our granddaughter her bath--about six months old. They started posing for a selfie movies and asked me to smile. I turned to do so, and my daughter started screaming at me that I was letting the baby drown. (She was seated in one of those suction bath seats and I had my hand on her while smiling to the cameras!!!!) She unleashed every grievance she ever had with me. It was a horrible nightmare. I said I was sorry and rebooked my flight home.)
I hate to say it but I just want to be more of a friendly, visiting grandma, i.e. short pop-in visits to just go out and have fun and not babysit or pet sit at all since it frequently leads to blowups that leave me flattened and demoralized. (I'm the only one of four grandparents who pet sits because their wonderful animals aren't well trained and/or the other grands don't care for pets. So I'm the one who catches hell if the pet jumps on a neighbor or eats an expensive shoe.)
Is there a grandparent equivalent of "Can we just be friends?" Our too-often tense relationship seems so baked in I don't see a way to change it since it's gone on for so long despite therapy. Does any adult daughter or son out there have a friendly "visitor only" relationship with your parents minus long-term baby and pet sitting? My own parents never babysat for their grandchildren nor did my husband's. We lived far away. They came for visits. Our children adored them and they adored our children. It was all fun and games and no overlapping of "real" daily life. Tell me if you have this and how it works.
Best answer: it can be so hard with mothers and daughters.
One thing that makes it harder is that when grandma is in mom's house - even if sleeping elsewhere - you are both playing the same kind of Mother role, and thus you overlap and bump into each other. It gives lots of opportunity for latent competition and resentment to flower into real conflict. (Saying this from personal experience hosting my mother for long grandparenting visits.)
Your daughter's kid is 9 now. Okay. That's old enough she can be away from her parents. I'd stop going out there for long visits, which - as you've seen - are so fraught. But, if you want to try to stay close with the kid, I'd consider inviting the kid to stay with you for 3-5 days at a time, while your daughter and her husband take a vacation or deal with their pressures or whatever.
If finances permit, a beach house is another way to do family visits that allows folks to not be on each others' turf. (But it can be way too much togetherness for folks who are already prickly.)
I think you are smart to be trying to come up with a different way of doing things before your relationship with your daughter deteriorates irretrievably.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:37 PM on April 29, 2022 [5 favorites]
One thing that makes it harder is that when grandma is in mom's house - even if sleeping elsewhere - you are both playing the same kind of Mother role, and thus you overlap and bump into each other. It gives lots of opportunity for latent competition and resentment to flower into real conflict. (Saying this from personal experience hosting my mother for long grandparenting visits.)
Your daughter's kid is 9 now. Okay. That's old enough she can be away from her parents. I'd stop going out there for long visits, which - as you've seen - are so fraught. But, if you want to try to stay close with the kid, I'd consider inviting the kid to stay with you for 3-5 days at a time, while your daughter and her husband take a vacation or deal with their pressures or whatever.
If finances permit, a beach house is another way to do family visits that allows folks to not be on each others' turf. (But it can be way too much togetherness for folks who are already prickly.)
I think you are smart to be trying to come up with a different way of doing things before your relationship with your daughter deteriorates irretrievably.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:37 PM on April 29, 2022 [5 favorites]
oh - and it's fine to say you're just not up for any more pet sitting. too strenuous for you, in the same way that it is for the other 3 grands.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:47 PM on April 29, 2022
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:47 PM on April 29, 2022
Best answer: I'm a grandma with a son and a grandson, and two step-granddaughters. My son was easy to raise, but in his mid to late twenties, we began to have some problems. I couldn't understand why. Luckily, I came across a book called, "When Parents Hurt. Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along", by Frederic Luskin, Ph.D. I feel that this is an excellent book, and I highly recommend it. It improved my relationship with my son by leaps and bounds. I also really like the title of the book, because it can mean "when parents hurt their children" or "when parents feel hurt by their children".
Also, I babysit when I want to, and I don't pet-sit my son's dog ever.
posted by SageTrail at 5:30 PM on April 29, 2022 [3 favorites]
Also, I babysit when I want to, and I don't pet-sit my son's dog ever.
posted by SageTrail at 5:30 PM on April 29, 2022 [3 favorites]
It sounds like your daughter is estranged but neither you or her wants to admit it. She and her husband obviously don’t have the childcare support that they need and they may also feel like it is important that their children have a grandparent relationship because society comes down hard on people with children who acknowledge that their relationship with their own parents is not healthy for whatever reason. You asked in a past question about the same child spending a lot of time on your visits taking you places when you would rather just hang out. Sometimes people do this when they don’t feel like they have a way to communicate or hang out with people in a way that is functional. Doing something makes the time pass more amicably. It’s ok for you to tell your daughter “I don’t feel like our caregiving visits are working and in the future we’re going to visit but not take on caregiving duties.” Honestly, it would probably take the pressure off of all parties involved.
posted by donut_princess at 6:44 PM on April 29, 2022
posted by donut_princess at 6:44 PM on April 29, 2022
I have this with my parents. It's so normalized for me that I'm having trouble describing it, but I'll try. They live far away. When they visit, it is for no more than 4 days (1st and 4th day are for travel, so I may or may not see them those days). They always stay in a hotel and often will take off in the afternoon for a rest at the hotel before rejoining us for dinner. They usually have breakfast on their own and join us later in the morning. They may try to babysit one afternoon or evening (usually does not work though). We usually have some activity we do every day. If your daughter and her husband need assistance with childcare, write them a check for a temporary nanny/babysitter/overnight or day camp using all the money you save by having a shorter visit. Money solves a lot of problems.
posted by Toddles at 9:05 PM on April 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Toddles at 9:05 PM on April 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
PS I can't in a million years imagine my parents petsitting for me. You can just say "no" to that. Again this is another thing that a check can resolve.
posted by Toddles at 9:08 PM on April 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Toddles at 9:08 PM on April 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
Focus on what works. If you have a pleasant enough relationship with your daughter from a distance and during short visits that’s what the two of you need to do.
Your granddaughter is old enough to have her own relationship with you. So figure out how to connect with her regularly. If your granddaughter and you are doing well together then she is old enough to stay with you for a bit. This can be shorter or longer visits. It can be your daughter dropping her off or one of you bringing her and the other taking her back or her travelling as unaccompanied minor if everybody is ok with that. Airlines have a process for that. Perhaps something to work your way up to though.
If your daughter lacks local support and relies on you to do things you don’t want to do and you want to provide support perhaps you could help in other ways. If you can afford it, pay for a babysitter occasionally or regularly to give her a break. Whatever she may find helpful and be willing to accept that doesn’t require you to do in person in her home.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:41 AM on April 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
Your granddaughter is old enough to have her own relationship with you. So figure out how to connect with her regularly. If your granddaughter and you are doing well together then she is old enough to stay with you for a bit. This can be shorter or longer visits. It can be your daughter dropping her off or one of you bringing her and the other taking her back or her travelling as unaccompanied minor if everybody is ok with that. Airlines have a process for that. Perhaps something to work your way up to though.
If your daughter lacks local support and relies on you to do things you don’t want to do and you want to provide support perhaps you could help in other ways. If you can afford it, pay for a babysitter occasionally or regularly to give her a break. Whatever she may find helpful and be willing to accept that doesn’t require you to do in person in her home.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:41 AM on April 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
It wasn't my grandmother; it was my great aunt who came to visit for extended times. She had her good points, but created drama, had loud outbursts, and fought with her mother and sisters. It was upsetting and scary for the children, so on behalf of your granddaughter, I say stop staying at your daughters' home and come up with another way to stay in touch with the kid. That is fully within your control. Of course, because of distance, you can't just do the drop in, but the kid is older now, so phone calls are an option. Also, kids love snail mail!
The example of a blow up was from when the now nine-year-old kid was 6 months old. If things are the same, you are torturing yourself with a dream of an improved relationship with your daughter. It is what it is. The only thing you can do is jump off the merry-go round.
For example, when you "caught hell" for their untrained pet, one healthy response could be, "I'm no longer going take care of your pet, I don't need the grief." My thought is you like being the one who would do it, maybe it connects you with your daughter.
(The cranky and unreasonable aunt became a great support when I got older. Her relationship with her sisters and mother was not my problem.)
posted by rhonzo at 10:30 AM on April 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
The example of a blow up was from when the now nine-year-old kid was 6 months old. If things are the same, you are torturing yourself with a dream of an improved relationship with your daughter. It is what it is. The only thing you can do is jump off the merry-go round.
For example, when you "caught hell" for their untrained pet, one healthy response could be, "I'm no longer going take care of your pet, I don't need the grief." My thought is you like being the one who would do it, maybe it connects you with your daughter.
(The cranky and unreasonable aunt became a great support when I got older. Her relationship with her sisters and mother was not my problem.)
posted by rhonzo at 10:30 AM on April 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
« Older Print or other primers on native plant gardening... | places to stay during Bristol Rhythm & Roots? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
So, we found it best to drop the kids off with them for a week or two at a time. They loved it. When I say 'they" I mean both our kids and the grands. We have 3 kids in 30 months. A lot of logistics when they were small. So, we were pretty strict about sleep schedules, eating schedules, etc. The grands thought they should stick to our schedules when they had them. I disagreed. I won. When they were with my mother for example, they would have milkshakes for breakfast and breakfast for dinner. The kids LOVED the "don't tell mom and dad" that we are doing this. It was a vacation for the kids, for us, and for the grands.
It was a process however to get to this point. My (es) wife's parents were sort of stern old fashioned people and had no interest in being our unpaid nanny. They adored our kids, but that manefested itself in many ways financially. They would come to visit and buy them toys, take them out to fancy dinners, take them to a ball game and like a tornado leave in a few days.
My mom and her spouse, changed over to being doting grands after a few awkward visits and a sitdown initiated by us. We came to the conclusion that rather than fight with them to do it this way or that way, that my mom raised 3 boys who were active athletically and socially and knew the local police officers for reasons. All 3 of us turned out well in the end. That was our realization. They may do it differently, but their way worked. So we talked to them. They were getting older and did not want to travel as much to see us. We started traveling to them. I would drive down, stay a night and go on our way for a week.
I think you need to sit down and talk to your kids. Initiate the discussion. Tell them that you are so proud that you raised two terrific kids who are now raising their own terrific kids. You are at a point where you just cannot keep up. You are exhausted. You want to change the way it is. See what they say. Then, slowly tell them you cannot babysit on Thursday bc you have bridge game but isn't it wonderful that the Cubs got off to such a good start. How are the kids doing btw? Slowly withdraw from being a worker to being a guest.
I would blame it on physical exhaustion and you just can't do it anymore. The dog is too strong, etc. Even if you play tennis 2x a week tell them you just are getting old. Sorry.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:19 PM on April 29, 2022 [1 favorite]