Asking for help

April 17, 2022 4:38 PM

I am bad at asking for help. I need to be more comfortable asking for help at work. My partner also gets frustrated with me that I don't specifically ask for the help that would be actual helpful. Sometimes, even though it makes me feel uncomfortable, I do ask for help. Then I feel guilt and like a failure. Recommend me books or podcasts to help get over this hangup.

I need to be more comfortable asking for help. At my work, I have no direct reports (although indirectly I direct the day to day work of 1-3 people depending on workloads). I previously had strong personal relationships with several folks that did this work, but they've been pulled to other areas or left the company. I have even more trouble asking for help from newer people. Asking early and specifically for help is necessary for me to function at work but I struggle to do it. My work is disfunctional but that's not the point of this ask.

This asking also bleeds into my personal relationship, although I do sometimes ask for specific help. I grew up in guess culture and that is part of the problem. My parents were also emotional neglectful. I've read running on empty and it resonates, but I'd like some more reading.

Please recommend me resources to read/listen to about asking for help more effectively while feeling like a regular grown up.

posted by Kalmya to Human Relations (10 answers total)

In the most recent issue of Real Simple (May 2022), there is an article "The Shame-Free Guide for Asking for Help" that might help. I read at it online via the library, so I can't link it.
posted by saturdaymornings at 4:56 PM on April 17, 2022 [1 favorite]

I think anything on setting boundaries could apply here. I really like what Nedra Tawwab says, both online via Instagram and in her new book.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:50 PM on April 17, 2022

I found this article very helpful. It’s specific to the workplace but applicable to other contexts, too.
posted by TrarNoir at 5:54 PM on April 17, 2022

Just wondering: were you yelled at/shamed for asking for help? Punished in some way? Because I know I'm like that because if you had a problem in my family, my parents exploded all over the place. I'd get my help, but I'd also get such an enormous amount of drama over it that I wish I hadn't had to ask. Has anything like that happened to you?
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:06 PM on April 17, 2022 [5 favorites]

I don't have books for you but a reframing. I "consult" with my boss when I'm not sure of the next step in a project. I might say "I'm up to here, do you think I should do X or Y next?" And sometimes, she says, "No, Z is the direction to go in." My boss and I have an 18 year working relationship, so 90% of the time I "consult" with her, I have already done the thing. However, it is much more efficient to check, instead of doing unnecessary tasks and wasting my time.

So can you regrade it as "nobody, not even me, can anticipate every necessary component of this job. I'm not showing weakness, but confidence, in consulting a trusted colleague." And this includes times when you are overwhelmed with the quantity of work you have. A good manager wants to know that so they don't burn you out or have a bottleneck in workflow. In fact, I bet the website "ask a manager" has dealt with variations of this problem and could be an excellent resource.
posted by b33j at 10:25 PM on April 17, 2022 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: Yes, there were often very negative reactions from both of my parents for asking for help as a child. I have gone to therapy and discussed related issues. My current boss will actually freak out if I ask for help and hold it against me for years, but I have minimal interaction with her day to day. This job is not great now but I am overcommitted in other areas of my life. I don't have time right now to go to therapy or start a new job but I can read some articles to help change my perspective.
posted by Kalmya at 4:28 AM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]

I don’t know whether it is helpful or not, but my peers and I all agreed that one of the worst kinds of coworkers is the one that never asks for help even when they’re bogged down in the swamp for months at a time. The most valuable coworker is the one that proceeds independently on a problem until they recognize they need some help.

As someone—I think it was Abraham Lincoln or maybe Hammurabi—said, “a man’s got to know his limitations.” We all have them and it is a sign of strength to recognize that. As time passes and your experiences grow, you’ll ask for different kinds of help, but you’ll always run into things where you need collaboration or advice. It’s not something to be ashamed of, it’s the human condition.

I’m sorry I have to resources to recommend, but I wanted to offer what support I have. Good luck with your journey.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 6:18 AM on April 18, 2022

Um, if your boss will hold it against you for years, OF COURSE you don't want to ask for help! You literally aren't in a safe situation to ask for help!

Maybe what you need to work on in this case is building/establishing relationships with whoever's left to see if those people ARE safe to ask for help?
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:34 AM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]

i don't have any specific resources to offer but something that helps me is using different routes of communication that are less stressful for me. so instead of talking to someone in person i'd write them an email or call them. even though talking on the phone isn't necessarily easy for me, it still makes me more likely to advocate for myself. one thing i'd like to point is that you're here asking for help, so you're not starting from 0. maybe try asking for help with small, innocuous things and work up to the important things.

i hope your able to feel more comfortable asking for help soon
posted by pfeffernusse at 1:02 PM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]

How to ask for help.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:29 AM on April 21, 2022