Am I an asshole if I block my ex?
April 15, 2022 4:49 AM Subscribe
We broke up 2.5 months ago. He initiated the break-up, and I didn’t want the breakup. We’ve been in very limited contact but I’ve been having trouble keeping him blocked…more details inside.<
This is my first breakup ever. We’re both college seniors. Our breakup was amicable but no less heartbreaking; he told me at the beginning of the semester that he didn’t want to keep dating after graduation but wanted to keep dating until then, and I wanted to keep dating after graduation. It was a classic case of me being overly invested. We broke up because I wasn’t interested in staying in the relationship, knowing that our differing levels of commitment would make me more anxious.
Since the breakup, we have had extremely limited contact but all contact has mostly been initiated by me and has mostly been over text except for one instance. I’ve reached out to him to send him something funny that reminded me of him (moment of weakness) and to express gratitude for him supporting me last year when a close friend passed. After I thanked him for that, he asked me for support on something difficult he was going through that he could only talk to me about. I agreed to talk to him, so we met up in person and had one conversation. Afterwards, I made it clear that I wanted to maintain distance…and then broke my own rule by texting him to check in on him a couple weeks later when I was consumed by worry about how he was doing.
I know the standard guidance is to go totally no-contact and I haven’t done that. I don’t regret the times that I have contacted him, but honestly, I don’t know if I really want to speak to him right now. When I checked in on him, he asked me if it would be overstepping to ask how I was doing, and I said no and briefly and neutrally described how I’m doing (no mention of how the breakup is affecting me) - which he responded to by trying to start a casual conversation. I felt annoyed when he texted me casually, as though we were fine and could talk normally like friends - even though I can see how I gave him that impression by being willing to talk about how I was doing. My annoyance at innocent and casual messages tells me that I really should not be talking to him right now, because clearly I still have a lot of healing and moving on to do.
I’m struggling with whether to block him. He told me he wanted to be friends with me at some point, and I keep thinking that if I block him, he might feel hurt and we won’t become friends. If we don’t become friends, I think I’d feel guilty for being a resentful ex as opposed to being mature and being able to set things aside - even though I don’t blame him for the breakup at all and I understand that it wasn’t a personal reflection of me (though I still have my moments of being really hurt by it) and I’m trying my hardest to respect his decision and focus on my life instead, so all in all I think I’m reacting to the breakup with a lot of maturity. And if I block him, I’m worried that it’ll be harder for us to become friends afterwards, because I’d have effectively ignored him for a long time.
He’s going through something right now and I told him he could reach out to me if he needed to talk to me - so if I blocked him, he wouldn’t be able to do that. He has other support systems and hasn’t reached out to me since that one conversation to talk more, so I don’t know if he will reach out to me specifically to talk about what he’s going through, but I’d feel guilty if he did and I didn’t respond because I’d blocked him.
And then, probably most problematic is the tiny little flame of hope I have that maybe one day, he’ll text me wanting to get back together or expressing that he misses me, and I won’t see it because I’d blocked him. I still have romantic feelings for him, clearly. I’m actively working on squashing out that tiny little flame of hope; I think 80-90% of me knows that he won’t do that, but that 10-20% of me (depending on the day) still hopes.
And to add another complication (sorry), I’m graduating soon (he has one last semester), and I’ve been feeling a strong desire to talk to him before we both leave campus for the summer - this semester has been hard, seeing each around a very small campus but never speaking, and it feels wrong to me in some way to end the semester in silence. I don’t know if he would especially care if we didn’t talk before graduation - or if he would, I don’t think he’d tell me because I think he really wants to respect my boundaries.
I think I’m overthinking this. And I know at the root of this are my lingering feelings for him, which I don’t think he reciprocates for me…when we do talk (which is again, very rarely), I can tell that he’s moving on, and honestly that really hurts - which is a clear sign to me that I should probably block him, so I stop worrying about whether he’s going to text me or not and if he does, about whether I should reply or not.
But hitting the block button is harder than I thought it would be.
This is my first breakup ever. We’re both college seniors. Our breakup was amicable but no less heartbreaking; he told me at the beginning of the semester that he didn’t want to keep dating after graduation but wanted to keep dating until then, and I wanted to keep dating after graduation. It was a classic case of me being overly invested. We broke up because I wasn’t interested in staying in the relationship, knowing that our differing levels of commitment would make me more anxious.
Since the breakup, we have had extremely limited contact but all contact has mostly been initiated by me and has mostly been over text except for one instance. I’ve reached out to him to send him something funny that reminded me of him (moment of weakness) and to express gratitude for him supporting me last year when a close friend passed. After I thanked him for that, he asked me for support on something difficult he was going through that he could only talk to me about. I agreed to talk to him, so we met up in person and had one conversation. Afterwards, I made it clear that I wanted to maintain distance…and then broke my own rule by texting him to check in on him a couple weeks later when I was consumed by worry about how he was doing.
I know the standard guidance is to go totally no-contact and I haven’t done that. I don’t regret the times that I have contacted him, but honestly, I don’t know if I really want to speak to him right now. When I checked in on him, he asked me if it would be overstepping to ask how I was doing, and I said no and briefly and neutrally described how I’m doing (no mention of how the breakup is affecting me) - which he responded to by trying to start a casual conversation. I felt annoyed when he texted me casually, as though we were fine and could talk normally like friends - even though I can see how I gave him that impression by being willing to talk about how I was doing. My annoyance at innocent and casual messages tells me that I really should not be talking to him right now, because clearly I still have a lot of healing and moving on to do.
I’m struggling with whether to block him. He told me he wanted to be friends with me at some point, and I keep thinking that if I block him, he might feel hurt and we won’t become friends. If we don’t become friends, I think I’d feel guilty for being a resentful ex as opposed to being mature and being able to set things aside - even though I don’t blame him for the breakup at all and I understand that it wasn’t a personal reflection of me (though I still have my moments of being really hurt by it) and I’m trying my hardest to respect his decision and focus on my life instead, so all in all I think I’m reacting to the breakup with a lot of maturity. And if I block him, I’m worried that it’ll be harder for us to become friends afterwards, because I’d have effectively ignored him for a long time.
He’s going through something right now and I told him he could reach out to me if he needed to talk to me - so if I blocked him, he wouldn’t be able to do that. He has other support systems and hasn’t reached out to me since that one conversation to talk more, so I don’t know if he will reach out to me specifically to talk about what he’s going through, but I’d feel guilty if he did and I didn’t respond because I’d blocked him.
And then, probably most problematic is the tiny little flame of hope I have that maybe one day, he’ll text me wanting to get back together or expressing that he misses me, and I won’t see it because I’d blocked him. I still have romantic feelings for him, clearly. I’m actively working on squashing out that tiny little flame of hope; I think 80-90% of me knows that he won’t do that, but that 10-20% of me (depending on the day) still hopes.
And to add another complication (sorry), I’m graduating soon (he has one last semester), and I’ve been feeling a strong desire to talk to him before we both leave campus for the summer - this semester has been hard, seeing each around a very small campus but never speaking, and it feels wrong to me in some way to end the semester in silence. I don’t know if he would especially care if we didn’t talk before graduation - or if he would, I don’t think he’d tell me because I think he really wants to respect my boundaries.
I think I’m overthinking this. And I know at the root of this are my lingering feelings for him, which I don’t think he reciprocates for me…when we do talk (which is again, very rarely), I can tell that he’s moving on, and honestly that really hurts - which is a clear sign to me that I should probably block him, so I stop worrying about whether he’s going to text me or not and if he does, about whether I should reply or not.
But hitting the block button is harder than I thought it would be.
Oh yes, block away. You can’t be his shoulder to cry on right now, he lost the privilege when he dumped you. Maybe you’ll be friends someday, but it shouldn’t be your priority right now. Your priority is to heal from this painful event. You’ll feel so much better when you block him!
posted by cakelite at 5:01 AM on April 15, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 5:01 AM on April 15, 2022 [10 favorites]
Am I an asshole if I block my ex?
No.
I think I’m overthinking this.
Yes.
I’ve been feeling a strong desire to talk to him before we both leave campus for the summer
Can you do this without expecting a change in the status quo? If so, then you're engaging in communication with no ulterior motives and that's a good thing. You may feel uneasy during/after speaking with him, and that's perfectly healthy if you have accepted what you understand is the basis for this split.
I don't know that the conventional wisdom is to go no contact in a situation like this. But if that's what you need to let yourself feel separated, feel less like you're stuck in orbit around this relationship that has ended its previous form, then do so. You can always come back around in the future, if you choose to do so, and establish a new friendship.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:02 AM on April 15, 2022
No.
I think I’m overthinking this.
Yes.
I’ve been feeling a strong desire to talk to him before we both leave campus for the summer
Can you do this without expecting a change in the status quo? If so, then you're engaging in communication with no ulterior motives and that's a good thing. You may feel uneasy during/after speaking with him, and that's perfectly healthy if you have accepted what you understand is the basis for this split.
I don't know that the conventional wisdom is to go no contact in a situation like this. But if that's what you need to let yourself feel separated, feel less like you're stuck in orbit around this relationship that has ended its previous form, then do so. You can always come back around in the future, if you choose to do so, and establish a new friendship.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:02 AM on April 15, 2022
.. one more thing. The fact that it hurts to see him move on may be part of the healing process. When I see blocking really strongly recommended it's when their messages are keeping you from moving on, leading you on or pulling you back in. This is maybe the opposite - talking with him is pushing you away, which is the direction you want to go.
posted by Lady Li at 5:03 AM on April 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Lady Li at 5:03 AM on April 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I went full no contact with an ex (eventually) and moved over 1000 miles away. Years later, we reconnected and became friends again and I WENT TO HIS WEDDING and adore his wife and we hang out if we're in the same city and it's wonderful. So no contact now doesn't even have to mean no contact forever. Even a year after our breakup he reached out to me by email and I rebuffed him, hard, because I was still healing, but that didn't prevent us becoming friends later.
Meanwhile I have other exes I stayed friends with almost immediately but our staying in contact slowly faded and I have no idea what's up with them now. I don't speak with my ex husband literally at all.
To be clear, I don't think there's a causation there (no contact = friends later, stay contact = not friends); more that there are lots of ways that former romantic relationships can end up for a lot of different reasons, and it's probably best not to try to use your current behavior to create some envisioned long term result.
If you're going to be friends someday, it will happen. If you're not, it won't. What's blocked can someday be unblocked, and people are findable. Do what you need to do for your sanity now (tell him what you're doing, if you must) and don't worry about years in the future.
posted by misskaz at 5:12 AM on April 15, 2022 [11 favorites]
Meanwhile I have other exes I stayed friends with almost immediately but our staying in contact slowly faded and I have no idea what's up with them now. I don't speak with my ex husband literally at all.
To be clear, I don't think there's a causation there (no contact = friends later, stay contact = not friends); more that there are lots of ways that former romantic relationships can end up for a lot of different reasons, and it's probably best not to try to use your current behavior to create some envisioned long term result.
If you're going to be friends someday, it will happen. If you're not, it won't. What's blocked can someday be unblocked, and people are findable. Do what you need to do for your sanity now (tell him what you're doing, if you must) and don't worry about years in the future.
posted by misskaz at 5:12 AM on April 15, 2022 [11 favorites]
Best answer: I have no good experience on blocking or not, but I can say… being in a small community, campus, with him is really going to affect how you’re thinking about this, and I expect this is one reason why it’s really hard to not over think the situation. You literally can’t get away from it. He and your relationship feels much more important because the world you’re inhabiting day-to-day is small and this skews your sense of proportion.
So I think however you feel now, you’ll feel differently after a few days, weeks or months after leaving. So I’d suggest that you don’t need to make some Big Final Decision right now about how you deal with your relationship Forever. Be gentle with yourself for now, to get through the rest of your time there.
posted by fabius at 5:30 AM on April 15, 2022 [12 favorites]
So I think however you feel now, you’ll feel differently after a few days, weeks or months after leaving. So I’d suggest that you don’t need to make some Big Final Decision right now about how you deal with your relationship Forever. Be gentle with yourself for now, to get through the rest of your time there.
posted by fabius at 5:30 AM on April 15, 2022 [12 favorites]
Yes, you can get over someone while still seeing and hearing them, but you sound like you specifically don't want to talk to him or contact him while you're processing your residual feelings. This is hard, and right now you're playing it on hard mode—you know you shouldn't talk to him and you don't want to, but you CAN and you're USED to it and also you kind of DO want to. If distance is what you need to heal, blocking (at least temporarily) will interrupt your habits and make it easier to develop new ones.
However! If you genuinely envision a future where you're friends (which seems plausible; it is very common to stay friends with your college partners in a non-rancorous way, though it's also common to forget them entirely), it is fine to tell him you're going to block him for a while, so he's not confused and hurt! Pick a time frame that seems reasonable, increase it by 50%, and tell him you won't be available for that time because you need space to process, rethink, and heal. He can also use that time to acclimate to reaching out to the other members of his support system instead of you.
If you're graduating next month, I would be inclined to say that's much too soon, but go with your gut; if you think it makes sense to carve out one in-person conversation while still retraining yourself from the habit of contacting him digitally, go in good health, just be aware that it's gonna hurt like bejesus. But the good news is that graduation is an arbitrary milestone, like all milestones, and if you don't talk to him before you leave campus that does not mean you never get to talk to him again. (It might! After you get some distance you might decide you don't care as much about talking to him again and you're ready to let it drop. But it's going to be harder to reach that point, if that's the point you should reach, when you're habitually talking to him.)
posted by babelfish at 6:42 AM on April 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
However! If you genuinely envision a future where you're friends (which seems plausible; it is very common to stay friends with your college partners in a non-rancorous way, though it's also common to forget them entirely), it is fine to tell him you're going to block him for a while, so he's not confused and hurt! Pick a time frame that seems reasonable, increase it by 50%, and tell him you won't be available for that time because you need space to process, rethink, and heal. He can also use that time to acclimate to reaching out to the other members of his support system instead of you.
If you're graduating next month, I would be inclined to say that's much too soon, but go with your gut; if you think it makes sense to carve out one in-person conversation while still retraining yourself from the habit of contacting him digitally, go in good health, just be aware that it's gonna hurt like bejesus. But the good news is that graduation is an arbitrary milestone, like all milestones, and if you don't talk to him before you leave campus that does not mean you never get to talk to him again. (It might! After you get some distance you might decide you don't care as much about talking to him again and you're ready to let it drop. But it's going to be harder to reach that point, if that's the point you should reach, when you're habitually talking to him.)
posted by babelfish at 6:42 AM on April 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
On facebook, you can unfollow someone so you don't see their posts and comments, but can reach out if you want to.
But, yes, you are still giving the relationship a lot of weight in your life. You're graduating, which is cause for celebration, and you have lots of work to prepare for whatever is next, so focusing on that should help.
maybe one day, he’ll text me wanting to get back together Be way more focused on what you want than on what he wants; that's a good rule for life.
posted by theora55 at 7:02 AM on April 15, 2022 [10 favorites]
But, yes, you are still giving the relationship a lot of weight in your life. You're graduating, which is cause for celebration, and you have lots of work to prepare for whatever is next, so focusing on that should help.
maybe one day, he’ll text me wanting to get back together Be way more focused on what you want than on what he wants; that's a good rule for life.
posted by theora55 at 7:02 AM on April 15, 2022 [10 favorites]
This sound like a situation where it might be helpful to communicate to him first, “Hey, I still hope we can be friends eventually but for my own mental health I need some more distance right now and I need to block you for a while.”
If he’s someone who can be a good friend to you, he’ll understand — and if he doesn’t, he’s not someone you want as a friend anyway.
posted by mekily at 8:15 AM on April 15, 2022 [7 favorites]
If he’s someone who can be a good friend to you, he’ll understand — and if he doesn’t, he’s not someone you want as a friend anyway.
posted by mekily at 8:15 AM on April 15, 2022 [7 favorites]
It sounds like blocking your ex won't solve a problem you're having. What you really want to do is block yourself from contacting your ex, at least for a while. I'm not sure how to do that.
I always recommend watching the movie Swingers in this situation. The payoff comes right at the end.
posted by adamrice at 8:36 AM on April 15, 2022
I always recommend watching the movie Swingers in this situation. The payoff comes right at the end.
posted by adamrice at 8:36 AM on April 15, 2022
It's not about what the conventional wisdom is, it's about the wisest course for you.
Of course this feels huge and entangled and confusing.
You're grieving, graduating, and processing a breakup, and you and your ex are living in a college bubble that amplifies emotions.
This doesn't take conventional wisdom, it takes time.
I would ask your ex to find a more appropriate shoulder to cry on, and focus on yourself and the next steps in your own life.
Looking forward, instead of behind, got me through a divorce. I simply moved my energy elsewhere, which felt more natural over time. Nowadays, my former husband is a sort of extended family, and we get along famously.
posted by champers at 8:54 AM on April 15, 2022
Of course this feels huge and entangled and confusing.
You're grieving, graduating, and processing a breakup, and you and your ex are living in a college bubble that amplifies emotions.
This doesn't take conventional wisdom, it takes time.
I would ask your ex to find a more appropriate shoulder to cry on, and focus on yourself and the next steps in your own life.
Looking forward, instead of behind, got me through a divorce. I simply moved my energy elsewhere, which felt more natural over time. Nowadays, my former husband is a sort of extended family, and we get along famously.
posted by champers at 8:54 AM on April 15, 2022
Best answer: he told me at the beginning of the semester that he didn’t want to keep dating after graduation but wanted to keep dating until then
Good Lord. He said that? You're not the asshole here; he is.
That said, intermittent contact gives your brain (and probably his) these little dopamine bursts and can make it harder and harder to actually break up properly. Think of it like a romance slot machine. There is a reason those things are so addictive, and why rats will literally starve to death pressing a lever that gives them intermittent reinforcement. Blocking someone, in this context, is no more an asshole move than a person with substance use disorder choosing not to hang out with their friends who are still using.
Just like breaking other addictive behaviors, actually going no-contact is really really hard! Please don't beat yourself up about struggling with this breakup. I was in your shoes -- breakup right before graduating college, struggled for years with it. But actually blocking my ex was the only way I was able to push past and go on to become a fully formed human being with my own life.
Maybe you go no-contact now and reconnect in 5 or 10 or 50 years, when you are both different, stronger people. Maybe you go no-contact now and you never see him again. Either way (even though I know you won't believe me), you will be better off if you block now.
posted by basalganglia at 9:30 AM on April 15, 2022 [6 favorites]
Good Lord. He said that? You're not the asshole here; he is.
That said, intermittent contact gives your brain (and probably his) these little dopamine bursts and can make it harder and harder to actually break up properly. Think of it like a romance slot machine. There is a reason those things are so addictive, and why rats will literally starve to death pressing a lever that gives them intermittent reinforcement. Blocking someone, in this context, is no more an asshole move than a person with substance use disorder choosing not to hang out with their friends who are still using.
Just like breaking other addictive behaviors, actually going no-contact is really really hard! Please don't beat yourself up about struggling with this breakup. I was in your shoes -- breakup right before graduating college, struggled for years with it. But actually blocking my ex was the only way I was able to push past and go on to become a fully formed human being with my own life.
Maybe you go no-contact now and reconnect in 5 or 10 or 50 years, when you are both different, stronger people. Maybe you go no-contact now and you never see him again. Either way (even though I know you won't believe me), you will be better off if you block now.
posted by basalganglia at 9:30 AM on April 15, 2022 [6 favorites]
You are perfectly within your rights to block me, and I haven't even done anything.
Yes, you can block your ex. In this case it sounds like you should.
If we don’t become friends, I think I’d feel guilty for being a resentful ex as opposed to being mature and being able to set things aside
There's no law that says you need to be friends with people. You, presumably, have ex-friends. Sometimes it's because of something one of you did and sometimes you just drift apart. It doesn't have to mean something that you are no longer friends. I know people who are on good terms with their exes and people who are on bad terms with their exes and people who are on good terms but never contact them because they've just moved on.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:47 AM on April 15, 2022 [7 favorites]
Yes, you can block your ex. In this case it sounds like you should.
If we don’t become friends, I think I’d feel guilty for being a resentful ex as opposed to being mature and being able to set things aside
There's no law that says you need to be friends with people. You, presumably, have ex-friends. Sometimes it's because of something one of you did and sometimes you just drift apart. It doesn't have to mean something that you are no longer friends. I know people who are on good terms with their exes and people who are on bad terms with their exes and people who are on good terms but never contact them because they've just moved on.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:47 AM on April 15, 2022 [7 favorites]
Best answer: First of all -- you aren't/weren't "overly invested." You were as invested as you are/were and it didn't match his level of investment. The problem is not with you. It's not with him either -- unless he's put the burden on you and your feelings, which is not ok!
You weren't able to crest that wave together, and it sounds like it was the right thing for you to break up. You are now struggling with how to move forward and that's also ok!
Here is something that has helped me in the past with moments like this:
When you get mad at yourself or feel like you've failed in managing your contact rules, whose voice is in your head?
Is it A.) the "conventional wisdom about how to manage a breakup"? Because most of that is BS.
Is it B.) your friend's judgement or opinions (closely related to A)? Because that's more about them than you.
Is it C.) your ex and his frustrations? Because he is in charge of himself and his own boundaries.
Is it D.) you, yourself, feeling like you deserve better?
You only need to worry about the last option. A, B, C, you're doing a lot of work for other people that isn't necessary. I promise you.
I also promise you that this is HARD AF and you're answer will often be "E. All of the above" and that's ok. Please be gentle with yourself, this is hard stuff.
posted by pazazygeek at 10:05 AM on April 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
You weren't able to crest that wave together, and it sounds like it was the right thing for you to break up. You are now struggling with how to move forward and that's also ok!
Here is something that has helped me in the past with moments like this:
When you get mad at yourself or feel like you've failed in managing your contact rules, whose voice is in your head?
Is it A.) the "conventional wisdom about how to manage a breakup"? Because most of that is BS.
Is it B.) your friend's judgement or opinions (closely related to A)? Because that's more about them than you.
Is it C.) your ex and his frustrations? Because he is in charge of himself and his own boundaries.
Is it D.) you, yourself, feeling like you deserve better?
You only need to worry about the last option. A, B, C, you're doing a lot of work for other people that isn't necessary. I promise you.
I also promise you that this is HARD AF and you're answer will often be "E. All of the above" and that's ok. Please be gentle with yourself, this is hard stuff.
posted by pazazygeek at 10:05 AM on April 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
I wish I could say that it gets easier. It doesn't. Do what is best for you right now. Undo it if that changes. I'm very close friends with some exes, and have gone out of my way to block others. There's no right answer.
Hoping to get back together is a dead end and a recipe for disaster. Sure, it does happen. It might even happen to you. Don't expect it. If that's the goal, you may be better off going no contact for a while. But, presumably, there are good things about your relationship that would also translate to a friendship, which is a healthy and realistic goal. It would be a shame to throw those good things away permanently, even if you can't really engage in it now. Sympathy and congratulations on graduation.
posted by eotvos at 10:15 AM on April 15, 2022
Hoping to get back together is a dead end and a recipe for disaster. Sure, it does happen. It might even happen to you. Don't expect it. If that's the goal, you may be better off going no contact for a while. But, presumably, there are good things about your relationship that would also translate to a friendship, which is a healthy and realistic goal. It would be a shame to throw those good things away permanently, even if you can't really engage in it now. Sympathy and congratulations on graduation.
posted by eotvos at 10:15 AM on April 15, 2022
Block away! If for some reason you need to contact him, you can find him at school. If for some reason he needs to contact you, the same thing applies. But you are broken up, so you shouldn't be his primary support system anymore. That is what partners do for each other, but not what you need to do for an ex, even if you may be friends again someday.
posted by assenav at 10:38 AM on April 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by assenav at 10:38 AM on April 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
If you want to avoid hurting his feelings, tell him that you want to go no-contact for a while and you're going to block him because the current way is hard for you. Say that you'll contact him when you're ready.
posted by wryly at 12:18 PM on April 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by wryly at 12:18 PM on April 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
"Hi ex — I’ve decided I need to stay clear of you while I sort myself out emotionally. I’m going to go dark for a while. Take care."
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:33 PM on April 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:33 PM on April 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm not friends with any of my exes (I'm friends with a few people I've casually dated or friends I've hooked up with, but no one I've ever actually been in love with). It's just not a thing I do. And while I know being friends with exes is great for some people, I think that the expectation that everyone should be friends with their exes unless they have a really good reason like abuse, is a pretty toxic message we as a society send people. Friendship after love works for some people, and it doesn't work for others. Some people are friends with some of their exes and not others. But you're not a bad person if you either can't or don't want to be friends with this ex, now or any time in the future.
I say block him. Send him a text telling him you're going to block him if you'll feel guilty otherwise, but then block him. He's taking up more space in your brain than you'd prefer, and you deserve to try to reclaim that mental space. Getting him out of your life and out of your inbox is a good first step.
posted by decathecting at 3:31 PM on April 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
I say block him. Send him a text telling him you're going to block him if you'll feel guilty otherwise, but then block him. He's taking up more space in your brain than you'd prefer, and you deserve to try to reclaim that mental space. Getting him out of your life and out of your inbox is a good first step.
posted by decathecting at 3:31 PM on April 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Oh sweets. I know this is hard. First, let me please reassure you about a few things. I say this as someone who is a few decades older than you and still struggles a bit with reaching out to exes.
We broke up because I wasn’t interested in staying in the relationship, knowing that our differing levels of commitment would make me more anxious.
You did the right thing. I know it's hard, and it feels bad, but this was a great decision. Bravo!
He told me he wanted to be friends with me at some point, and I keep thinking that if I block him, he might feel hurt and we won’t become friends.
What do you want? Do you want to be friends someday? You don't have to be friends to be friendly. Also, the opposite of being friendly or friends isn't resentful ex. Is that something you are hearing around? Where is that narrative coming from? Right now your job is to prioritize your feelings and healing. His job is to take care of himself.
If we don’t become friends, I think I’d feel guilty for being a resentful ex
We are not obligated to be friends with our exes to prove we are mature people. Also! I have lots of exes in my life who are friends, but none of those friendships happened right away. My college love, who I struggled for years to get over, is a friend of mine, as is his wife. I could probably have gotten over him better if I hadn't tried so hard to be friends with him right away. It only made it harder for me to get over him, because I was still so attached. We had a similar dynamic: I wanted more than he did.
He’s going through something right now and I told him he could reach out to me if he needed to talk to me - so if I blocked him, he wouldn’t be able to do that.
Right, and that doesn't mean you shouldn't block him. Here's the deal: it's not your job to be his emotional support person anymore. My experience has been that many men in particular rely on their partner for emotional intimacy and sharing, and they aren't always great at developing support networks outside of intimate relationships, and this motivates them to want to stay friends after a break up. But if he comes to you for emotional support, that will likely trigger your attachment system to want to be close to him, and that will be the opposite of healing for you. I think you meant well with this offer, but I don't think you should make yourself available to him for talking and support right now. Prioritize yourself.
And then, probably most problematic is the tiny little flame of hope I have that maybe one day, he’ll text me wanting to get back together or expressing that he misses me, and I won’t see it because I’d blocked him. I still have romantic feelings for him, clearly. I’m actively working on squashing out that tiny little flame of hope; I think 80-90% of me knows that he won’t do that, but that 10-20% of me (depending on the day) still hopes.
And this is the best reason to block him. Not so that he won't contact you, but also so that you create one other barrier for you to contact him. I know you are hurting and you don't want to let go. Break ups can feel like a rubber band: the further you move away, the more strongly you pulled back. Blocking him will, I think, for you, be part of your path to acceptance. And once you have some more space, it'll be easier to move forward.
In the bigger picture: he doesn't get to decide everything about this break up. Going no contact doesn't mean never being in touch again. It means taking the space you need now. For me, I sometimes tell folks, at a break up, that I'm going to disengage/unfollow via social media, etc., and that perhaps we can reconnect down the road. I absolutely need that space to reset my head and heart. You can do the same, and I think you feel like you need to, and that's reason enough. It's okay to tell him, "Hey, I'm struggling a bit, so I need some space and for us not to be in touch for a while. I just wanted to let you know."
And then do what you need to do to make it easier to heal. None of this means you are an asshole! In fact, it means you are setting healthy boundaries for yourself. That's the opposite of being an asshole.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:19 PM on April 15, 2022 [4 favorites]
We broke up because I wasn’t interested in staying in the relationship, knowing that our differing levels of commitment would make me more anxious.
You did the right thing. I know it's hard, and it feels bad, but this was a great decision. Bravo!
He told me he wanted to be friends with me at some point, and I keep thinking that if I block him, he might feel hurt and we won’t become friends.
What do you want? Do you want to be friends someday? You don't have to be friends to be friendly. Also, the opposite of being friendly or friends isn't resentful ex. Is that something you are hearing around? Where is that narrative coming from? Right now your job is to prioritize your feelings and healing. His job is to take care of himself.
If we don’t become friends, I think I’d feel guilty for being a resentful ex
We are not obligated to be friends with our exes to prove we are mature people. Also! I have lots of exes in my life who are friends, but none of those friendships happened right away. My college love, who I struggled for years to get over, is a friend of mine, as is his wife. I could probably have gotten over him better if I hadn't tried so hard to be friends with him right away. It only made it harder for me to get over him, because I was still so attached. We had a similar dynamic: I wanted more than he did.
He’s going through something right now and I told him he could reach out to me if he needed to talk to me - so if I blocked him, he wouldn’t be able to do that.
Right, and that doesn't mean you shouldn't block him. Here's the deal: it's not your job to be his emotional support person anymore. My experience has been that many men in particular rely on their partner for emotional intimacy and sharing, and they aren't always great at developing support networks outside of intimate relationships, and this motivates them to want to stay friends after a break up. But if he comes to you for emotional support, that will likely trigger your attachment system to want to be close to him, and that will be the opposite of healing for you. I think you meant well with this offer, but I don't think you should make yourself available to him for talking and support right now. Prioritize yourself.
And then, probably most problematic is the tiny little flame of hope I have that maybe one day, he’ll text me wanting to get back together or expressing that he misses me, and I won’t see it because I’d blocked him. I still have romantic feelings for him, clearly. I’m actively working on squashing out that tiny little flame of hope; I think 80-90% of me knows that he won’t do that, but that 10-20% of me (depending on the day) still hopes.
And this is the best reason to block him. Not so that he won't contact you, but also so that you create one other barrier for you to contact him. I know you are hurting and you don't want to let go. Break ups can feel like a rubber band: the further you move away, the more strongly you pulled back. Blocking him will, I think, for you, be part of your path to acceptance. And once you have some more space, it'll be easier to move forward.
In the bigger picture: he doesn't get to decide everything about this break up. Going no contact doesn't mean never being in touch again. It means taking the space you need now. For me, I sometimes tell folks, at a break up, that I'm going to disengage/unfollow via social media, etc., and that perhaps we can reconnect down the road. I absolutely need that space to reset my head and heart. You can do the same, and I think you feel like you need to, and that's reason enough. It's okay to tell him, "Hey, I'm struggling a bit, so I need some space and for us not to be in touch for a while. I just wanted to let you know."
And then do what you need to do to make it easier to heal. None of this means you are an asshole! In fact, it means you are setting healthy boundaries for yourself. That's the opposite of being an asshole.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:19 PM on April 15, 2022 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Hi everyone,
Thank you so much for the kind and generous advice, it’s been extremely helpful. The issue is that I got a bit too drunk today (I’ve learned my lesson - definitely staying away from alcohol for a bit), and I asked him if we could take a walk together this weekend. He replied and proposed Sunday and I agreed - and I’m already sort of regretting my decision, noticing how anxious I felt waiting for him to respond, how bad I felt when I thought about the possibility that perhaps he wouldn’t want to hang out…all of these seem like signs that I really shouldn’t be in contact with him.
Does anyone have suggestions of what I can tell him to essentially retract my offer for a walk? I’m nervous about seeming indecisive or like I’m emotionally unstable right now. I’m also so frustrated with myself, like I’m doing this breakup all wrong because I gave in to this impulse even though I’ve been trying so hard to focus on myself.
posted by cruel summer at 5:07 PM on April 15, 2022
Thank you so much for the kind and generous advice, it’s been extremely helpful. The issue is that I got a bit too drunk today (I’ve learned my lesson - definitely staying away from alcohol for a bit), and I asked him if we could take a walk together this weekend. He replied and proposed Sunday and I agreed - and I’m already sort of regretting my decision, noticing how anxious I felt waiting for him to respond, how bad I felt when I thought about the possibility that perhaps he wouldn’t want to hang out…all of these seem like signs that I really shouldn’t be in contact with him.
Does anyone have suggestions of what I can tell him to essentially retract my offer for a walk? I’m nervous about seeming indecisive or like I’m emotionally unstable right now. I’m also so frustrated with myself, like I’m doing this breakup all wrong because I gave in to this impulse even though I’ve been trying so hard to focus on myself.
posted by cruel summer at 5:07 PM on April 15, 2022
Something came up and you have to cancel.
posted by stockpuppet at 7:24 PM on April 15, 2022
posted by stockpuppet at 7:24 PM on April 15, 2022
Best answer: I’m nervous about seeming indecisive or like I’m emotionally unstable right now. I’m also so frustrated with myself, like I’m doing this breakup all wrong because I gave in to this impulse even though I’ve been trying so hard to focus on myself.
I probably can't convince you, but please try hard not to worry about this. It's okay to be upset and having a hard time. That doesn't indicate any failing of character. You know what would be strange? If you cared deeply about someone and then didn't care at all about the break up. You're grieving the end of this relationship, and it's okay that it's hard. It sucks, but it's normal.
Also, these things you are noticing -- when you feel anxious, what makes you feel good and bad -- are great and a sign of emotional maturity and growth.
You could tell him, "I've realized that it's healthier for me if we aren't in touch for a while, so I need to cancel our walk. I'm sorry about any mixed messages I've sent. Thanks for understanding."
posted by bluedaisy at 7:42 PM on April 15, 2022 [4 favorites]
I probably can't convince you, but please try hard not to worry about this. It's okay to be upset and having a hard time. That doesn't indicate any failing of character. You know what would be strange? If you cared deeply about someone and then didn't care at all about the break up. You're grieving the end of this relationship, and it's okay that it's hard. It sucks, but it's normal.
Also, these things you are noticing -- when you feel anxious, what makes you feel good and bad -- are great and a sign of emotional maturity and growth.
You could tell him, "I've realized that it's healthier for me if we aren't in touch for a while, so I need to cancel our walk. I'm sorry about any mixed messages I've sent. Thanks for understanding."
posted by bluedaisy at 7:42 PM on April 15, 2022 [4 favorites]
"I've realized that it's healthier for me if we aren't in touch for a while, so I need to cancel our walk. I'm sorry about any mixed messages I've sent. Thanks for understanding."
Seconded.
I’m nervous about seeming indecisive or like I’m emotionally unstable right now.
To be fair, you are indecisive and emotionally unstable right now. And that is 100% okay and entirely expected as part of a breakup. No one who has ever had a relationship end is going to judge you.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:08 PM on April 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
Seconded.
I’m nervous about seeming indecisive or like I’m emotionally unstable right now.
To be fair, you are indecisive and emotionally unstable right now. And that is 100% okay and entirely expected as part of a breakup. No one who has ever had a relationship end is going to judge you.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:08 PM on April 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I’m nervous about seeming indecisive or like I’m emotionally unstable right now. I’m also so frustrated with myself, like I’m doing this breakup all wrong because I gave in to this impulse even though I’ve been trying so hard to focus on myself.
who told you to say “it was a classic case of me being overly emotionally invested” instead of “I was in love with him”? who told or is telling you to be fearful and ashamed of letting anyone see you being heartbroken after someone you were in love with broke up with you? find that person and give them a strong smack. unless it is you telling yourself all this, and then don’t. but do stop it. it’s painful just to hear.
what you should, or at the very least could say to him, is this: I was badly hurt by our very painful breakup. I understand that it was not equally painful for you; you of course understand that knowing this makes it all the more painful for me. I have been trying to hide my pain from you in case it makes you so uncomfortable that you withdraw your request for continued friendship. I have come to realize that I am angry at you for breaking my heart and acting like nothing dramatic just happened; a perfectly normal reaction to have. I have ruthlessly suppressed this anger and adopted an attitude of cringing accommodation towards you to overcompensate. This is bad for me, so from now on, when you reach out to me as if everything is fine between us, I am going to yell at you or ignore you until I feel better about everything. You will not receive an apology.
fyi I did say this to a very recent ex once. actually I screamed most of it while crying. I am still pretty proud of myself, usually I am not articulate when crying. we are still good friends today. if this guy wants to be a friend to you, he will be. he can take a little truth sometimes. it’ll be good for him.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:59 PM on April 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
who told you to say “it was a classic case of me being overly emotionally invested” instead of “I was in love with him”? who told or is telling you to be fearful and ashamed of letting anyone see you being heartbroken after someone you were in love with broke up with you? find that person and give them a strong smack. unless it is you telling yourself all this, and then don’t. but do stop it. it’s painful just to hear.
what you should, or at the very least could say to him, is this: I was badly hurt by our very painful breakup. I understand that it was not equally painful for you; you of course understand that knowing this makes it all the more painful for me. I have been trying to hide my pain from you in case it makes you so uncomfortable that you withdraw your request for continued friendship. I have come to realize that I am angry at you for breaking my heart and acting like nothing dramatic just happened; a perfectly normal reaction to have. I have ruthlessly suppressed this anger and adopted an attitude of cringing accommodation towards you to overcompensate. This is bad for me, so from now on, when you reach out to me as if everything is fine between us, I am going to yell at you or ignore you until I feel better about everything. You will not receive an apology.
fyi I did say this to a very recent ex once. actually I screamed most of it while crying. I am still pretty proud of myself, usually I am not articulate when crying. we are still good friends today. if this guy wants to be a friend to you, he will be. he can take a little truth sometimes. it’ll be good for him.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:59 PM on April 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you do decide to block him, I'd suggest you tell him, since your previous communication had given an impression of openness and he might legitimately worry or be really troubled if your line just goes dead on him. This is just my impression of your relationship from what I see here. But before that I'd try asking for some more space, or accepting the quiet for now but making a script with yourself to ask for space if he does reach out.
posted by Lady Li at 4:59 AM on April 15, 2022 [6 favorites]