Concrete tips for irrational fear, please.
January 12, 2022 1:56 PM Subscribe
Spouse and I are traveling in an unfamiliar and sparsely populated (but generally safe) area for the next twelve days. I have had trust issues since childhood. My mind is going into overdrive, thinking up scenarios like "What if he gets angry and leaves me at a reststop?"
This feels as terrifying as it would to a small child. My parents were emotionally unavailable and erratic, sometimes very threatening. Spouse has slight anger issues (think, like, unkind words and days of pouting), but would never leave me in an unfamiliar place and is normally loving and understanding. He has, though, stolen my phone in the past (at home and out of frustration, many apologies since). A big fear is him doing that and then leaving. How do I stop trying to constantly make emergency plans like how to find my way home in this imaginary situation? How do I enjoy this vacation? How do I not panic if something does go wrong?
We've talked about it, and all his reassurance sounds empty to me "You will never leave me? That's exactly what a secret abandoner would say."
I have a therapist, but no way to reach her until I'm back home except possibly an email, which I feel awkward about because she's busy. Would prefer strategies from kind strangers. Thank you so much, this is very hard. I feel guilty for not being fun, and I feel pretty scared too :/
This feels as terrifying as it would to a small child. My parents were emotionally unavailable and erratic, sometimes very threatening. Spouse has slight anger issues (think, like, unkind words and days of pouting), but would never leave me in an unfamiliar place and is normally loving and understanding. He has, though, stolen my phone in the past (at home and out of frustration, many apologies since). A big fear is him doing that and then leaving. How do I stop trying to constantly make emergency plans like how to find my way home in this imaginary situation? How do I enjoy this vacation? How do I not panic if something does go wrong?
We've talked about it, and all his reassurance sounds empty to me "You will never leave me? That's exactly what a secret abandoner would say."
I have a therapist, but no way to reach her until I'm back home except possibly an email, which I feel awkward about because she's busy. Would prefer strategies from kind strangers. Thank you so much, this is very hard. I feel guilty for not being fun, and I feel pretty scared too :/
This travel is planned for a vacation and for enjoyment. But it sounds like in its current form you won't enjoy it. So that's not the right plan. It's missing the point. Your vacation should be something you both are comfortable with and can enjoy.
You can possibly blunt the anxious feelings you're already experiencing, but I doubt you can fully assuage them right now -- it will take more work and more time than that. So the current travel plan, something you and your spouse are doing for fun, will almost certainly result in you being anxious and uncomfortable and unhappy. That's not something you or your spouse want.
So the strategy I would suggest is that you and your spouse sit down together, acknowledge that this current plan is not going to work out (no matter how much you both want it to), and come up with a new plan together that you can both enjoy.
Any money spent or time spent planning or anything like that is already gone, so you're currently in a place where you can go down a "free" path (the planned trip) that makes you miserable or you can go down a different path that doesn't.
Can you find a cozy place to stay in a city you like where you can both hunker down for the next twelve days instead of traveling in the unfamiliar area? Can you get on a cruise where leaving is much more controlled? Can you just stay at home and go to spas every day? Find something that you are comfortable with. You deserve to have a vacation you enjoy.
posted by whatnotever at 2:21 PM on January 12, 2022 [14 favorites]
You can possibly blunt the anxious feelings you're already experiencing, but I doubt you can fully assuage them right now -- it will take more work and more time than that. So the current travel plan, something you and your spouse are doing for fun, will almost certainly result in you being anxious and uncomfortable and unhappy. That's not something you or your spouse want.
So the strategy I would suggest is that you and your spouse sit down together, acknowledge that this current plan is not going to work out (no matter how much you both want it to), and come up with a new plan together that you can both enjoy.
Any money spent or time spent planning or anything like that is already gone, so you're currently in a place where you can go down a "free" path (the planned trip) that makes you miserable or you can go down a different path that doesn't.
Can you find a cozy place to stay in a city you like where you can both hunker down for the next twelve days instead of traveling in the unfamiliar area? Can you get on a cruise where leaving is much more controlled? Can you just stay at home and go to spas every day? Find something that you are comfortable with. You deserve to have a vacation you enjoy.
posted by whatnotever at 2:21 PM on January 12, 2022 [14 favorites]
If your therapist is too busy to take emails, she will have a process in place for handling them. The worst that can happen is you get an auto-reply or a message from a secretary saying "sorry I'm busy right now, but please do schedule an appointment so we can talk about this." She won't be mad. She won't be overburdened. You won't be taking away from her ability to help others. And maybe she's not as completely busy as you think, and can fit something in, even if it's just a quick message of support!
I do however agree that this "vacation" doesn't sound fun or especially safe, at very least not emotionally. There's a time and a place for pushing boundaries that one feels limited by, and I was ready to offer commiseration about "irrational" over-planning, but it's not irrational to worry about something that's actually been done to you being done to you again, especially if nothing has actually changed except he's said sorry a bunch. Your job here isn't to be a fun person and suppress your entirely reasonable concerns! I don't mean to make you more miserable by supporting the thing you're upset about, but really, what's it like if you instead let yourself be upset that he's demonstrated you can't trust him yet now expects you to cheerfully head out to unfamiliar terrain?
posted by teremala at 2:31 PM on January 12, 2022 [16 favorites]
I do however agree that this "vacation" doesn't sound fun or especially safe, at very least not emotionally. There's a time and a place for pushing boundaries that one feels limited by, and I was ready to offer commiseration about "irrational" over-planning, but it's not irrational to worry about something that's actually been done to you being done to you again, especially if nothing has actually changed except he's said sorry a bunch. Your job here isn't to be a fun person and suppress your entirely reasonable concerns! I don't mean to make you more miserable by supporting the thing you're upset about, but really, what's it like if you instead let yourself be upset that he's demonstrated you can't trust him yet now expects you to cheerfully head out to unfamiliar terrain?
posted by teremala at 2:31 PM on January 12, 2022 [16 favorites]
Do you feel this kind of fear about anyone else in your life? No way for a stranger to know, but maybe you have valid concerns, even if your exact fear doesn't happen. For a data point, stealing my phone would be a very concerning action that I would be processing in couples therapy for some time, or breaking up over if it was a pattern.
Speaking generally, not about this trip, what advice are your therapist and friends offering about this relationship? Do you get feedback that your fears are realistic or unrealistic?
posted by latkes at 2:32 PM on January 12, 2022 [20 favorites]
Speaking generally, not about this trip, what advice are your therapist and friends offering about this relationship? Do you get feedback that your fears are realistic or unrealistic?
posted by latkes at 2:32 PM on January 12, 2022 [20 favorites]
A 12 day road trip is stressful in itself for most people and relationships. Coupled with what you've laid out here AND being out of touch with a major resource like a therapist... that's a lot.
Please do yourself the kindness of not calling your fear irrational. Your parents were abusive. Your partner stole your phone. Treat your anxiety around this with the care it requires instead of trying to ignore or belittle it.
This internet stranger is telling you: you do not have to go. I would not go. I would explain to partner my reservations and ensure that they're willing to work with me, and replan for a MUCH shorter trip with as many resources as possible in place.
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 2:36 PM on January 12, 2022 [13 favorites]
Please do yourself the kindness of not calling your fear irrational. Your parents were abusive. Your partner stole your phone. Treat your anxiety around this with the care it requires instead of trying to ignore or belittle it.
This internet stranger is telling you: you do not have to go. I would not go. I would explain to partner my reservations and ensure that they're willing to work with me, and replan for a MUCH shorter trip with as many resources as possible in place.
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 2:36 PM on January 12, 2022 [13 favorites]
You can cancel. You can tell your partner hey why don’t you go for six days and then We’ll staycation the other six days. You can book a B&B nearby and solo vacation there while your partner road trips. You can cancel your leave and go back to work. You can go on the road and on the second day, change your mind and go home by yourself. Take a deep breath and think about what you really want to do.
In practical terms, I would get a cheap burner phone and load it with important contacts and pack it in my suitcase plus some extra cash and a back up credit card.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:49 PM on January 12, 2022 [30 favorites]
In practical terms, I would get a cheap burner phone and load it with important contacts and pack it in my suitcase plus some extra cash and a back up credit card.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:49 PM on January 12, 2022 [30 favorites]
I fear that getting out of this trip may not be an option. Do you have any way to get a prepaid burner phone? Do you have a friend you can give your itinerary to and set up a series of check-ins? You don't have to tell them why if you are afraid to; you could just tell them you have anxiety about the two of you being in an accident or getting incapacitated with COVID or something.
These are not irrational fears. And abusers are at their most volatile when they are tired, uncertain, and not in full control of their environment. Twelve days is a long time to be away from home and routine, a long time to be isolated with him.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:55 PM on January 12, 2022 [35 favorites]
These are not irrational fears. And abusers are at their most volatile when they are tired, uncertain, and not in full control of their environment. Twelve days is a long time to be away from home and routine, a long time to be isolated with him.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:55 PM on January 12, 2022 [35 favorites]
I'm going to answer this with the following caveats 1) I am assuming this is a trip you want to do AND 2) you are correct in identifying that your partner is a safe person and that you do experience terrible anxiety .
Honestly upfront if your anxiety is making you miserable it is seriously past time to consider medication. It is okay to use a tool to give yourself space to live your life without having to come up with the perfect coping mechanism for every thought and anxiety that can overtake you in a moment. I am saying this as someone who had debilitating anxiety who finally got a handle on it with medication and then eventually was able to discontinue that medication. Working through anxiety is hard long work, use every tool you have available to you.
Second, if words from others are not assuring to you, you must spend time assuring yourself. What that looks like for you will be your own to decide. Maybe its facts about your husband, maybe it's that you are a capable human being, maybe it's that you are smart. This is difficult and takes practice, but will serve you well.
Third try to keep yourself in the present moment about what is actually going on. Bring your mind to focus on conversation or a movie or a craft, try to redirect yourself away from the circle of what if's. I find that identifying that I'm having anxiety, identifying the orgin of that anxiety and how my present is different is helpful for me to get myself to my present moment.
There are so many different ways to try and deal with this. Do reach out to your therapist. Take care. You will make it through.
posted by AlexiaSky at 2:57 PM on January 12, 2022 [15 favorites]
Honestly upfront if your anxiety is making you miserable it is seriously past time to consider medication. It is okay to use a tool to give yourself space to live your life without having to come up with the perfect coping mechanism for every thought and anxiety that can overtake you in a moment. I am saying this as someone who had debilitating anxiety who finally got a handle on it with medication and then eventually was able to discontinue that medication. Working through anxiety is hard long work, use every tool you have available to you.
Second, if words from others are not assuring to you, you must spend time assuring yourself. What that looks like for you will be your own to decide. Maybe its facts about your husband, maybe it's that you are a capable human being, maybe it's that you are smart. This is difficult and takes practice, but will serve you well.
Third try to keep yourself in the present moment about what is actually going on. Bring your mind to focus on conversation or a movie or a craft, try to redirect yourself away from the circle of what if's. I find that identifying that I'm having anxiety, identifying the orgin of that anxiety and how my present is different is helpful for me to get myself to my present moment.
There are so many different ways to try and deal with this. Do reach out to your therapist. Take care. You will make it through.
posted by AlexiaSky at 2:57 PM on January 12, 2022 [15 favorites]
I'm not going to repeat what others have said but please take this as a flag that this is a concern at all and it is not normal (acknowledging it's coming from a place of anxiety but still).
I'll just answer the question directly. I travel often alone, so for each of the points of the journey, think about what would you do if you were left there and how you could prepare for it. So for example, you maybe left somewhere remote and have to call a car service: do you have a battery pack for your cell phone, is there Uber or other car services, if you're on an island what's the ferry schedule, etc.
Probably 90% of the scenarios are really just having working cell phone, so you may want to confirm roaming, have a backup cell phone, bring a battery charger, etc.
posted by artificialard at 3:13 PM on January 12, 2022 [8 favorites]
I'll just answer the question directly. I travel often alone, so for each of the points of the journey, think about what would you do if you were left there and how you could prepare for it. So for example, you maybe left somewhere remote and have to call a car service: do you have a battery pack for your cell phone, is there Uber or other car services, if you're on an island what's the ferry schedule, etc.
Probably 90% of the scenarios are really just having working cell phone, so you may want to confirm roaming, have a backup cell phone, bring a battery charger, etc.
posted by artificialard at 3:13 PM on January 12, 2022 [8 favorites]
The thing about anxiety—especially for people who grew up in abusive homes—is that it often does, in fact, keep us safe(r) in dangerous situations. All those racing thoughts you are currently having, while not fun, are your brain’s way of trying to keep you safe. I think you can do yourself the kindness of recognizing and acknowledging that, first off.
Secondly, I agree with everyone above that your spouse is not an emotionally safe person for you. Whether they would physically harm or abandon you or not, your emotional safety is still important.
If your spouse were a safer person, he might ask you, “What would it take for you to feel safe while we were on this trip?” and then they would help you enact a plan so you could feel okay. Since he hasn’t, I will, and this internet stranger gives you permission to enact a safety plan whether or not you think it is rationally necessary. Would you feel safer if you were in control of navigation, and could plan stops in more populated areas even if they are “out of the way”? Would you feel safer if you did make an emergency exit plan, and then could have it in your back pocket if you needed it? (Literally—in your shoes I would feel better if I had some emergency cash/phone numbers/maps/addresses tucked away on my person, so even if I didn’t have my own phone I could get help.)
Personally, I think that even if your anxiety were irrational, creating an action plan can be a fine way to manage it in an acute situation (and you can address the situation long-term with your therapist). But especially since it sounds like your anxiety is NOT irrational, I am doubling-down on that advice. You’re not crazy, and you’re not acting like a child. Make a plan. Take care of yourself.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 3:30 PM on January 12, 2022 [12 favorites]
Secondly, I agree with everyone above that your spouse is not an emotionally safe person for you. Whether they would physically harm or abandon you or not, your emotional safety is still important.
If your spouse were a safer person, he might ask you, “What would it take for you to feel safe while we were on this trip?” and then they would help you enact a plan so you could feel okay. Since he hasn’t, I will, and this internet stranger gives you permission to enact a safety plan whether or not you think it is rationally necessary. Would you feel safer if you were in control of navigation, and could plan stops in more populated areas even if they are “out of the way”? Would you feel safer if you did make an emergency exit plan, and then could have it in your back pocket if you needed it? (Literally—in your shoes I would feel better if I had some emergency cash/phone numbers/maps/addresses tucked away on my person, so even if I didn’t have my own phone I could get help.)
Personally, I think that even if your anxiety were irrational, creating an action plan can be a fine way to manage it in an acute situation (and you can address the situation long-term with your therapist). But especially since it sounds like your anxiety is NOT irrational, I am doubling-down on that advice. You’re not crazy, and you’re not acting like a child. Make a plan. Take care of yourself.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 3:30 PM on January 12, 2022 [12 favorites]
are traveling in an unfamiliar and sparsely populated (but generally safe) area for the next twelve days.
Y'all, it sounds like the OP might already be in this area & on the trip right now, so I'm not sure "don't go" or "bring a backup phone" or things like that are very useful suggestions.
How do I stop trying to constantly make emergency plans like how to find my way home in this imaginary situation? How do I enjoy this vacation? How do I not panic if something does go wrong?
OP, I am completely serious when I suggest that you contact the mods who can post an anonymous update telling us where you are, at least generally, and then if there are any MeFites in or around the area willing to volunteer their contact info then the mods can also put you in touch with them via email/MeMail/phone so at least you have a semi-local contact for emergencies.
posted by soundguy99 at 3:39 PM on January 12, 2022 [30 favorites]
Y'all, it sounds like the OP might already be in this area & on the trip right now, so I'm not sure "don't go" or "bring a backup phone" or things like that are very useful suggestions.
How do I stop trying to constantly make emergency plans like how to find my way home in this imaginary situation? How do I enjoy this vacation? How do I not panic if something does go wrong?
OP, I am completely serious when I suggest that you contact the mods who can post an anonymous update telling us where you are, at least generally, and then if there are any MeFites in or around the area willing to volunteer their contact info then the mods can also put you in touch with them via email/MeMail/phone so at least you have a semi-local contact for emergencies.
posted by soundguy99 at 3:39 PM on January 12, 2022 [30 favorites]
How do I stop trying to constantly make emergency plans like how to find my way home in this imaginary situation? How do I enjoy this vacation? How do I not panic if something does go wrong?
You're traveling already, then? Make sure you have cash, a credit card and your license, and - if it's hot - water on your person at all times. Carry the water bottle in your hand if necessary. Other stuff in pockets. Carry your phone in your pocket rather than in your purse if possible. At night, hide your license and credit card somewhere you won't forget it but not obvious. So like not under your pillow, but maybe in your toiletries bag.
If he were to do anything problematic, you would find the nearest couple or woman, and ask them for help. They would help you call loved ones who would come get you. Worst case, if you had nobody to call, you would ask the first person you see to call the police, who could at least get you back to your home city. With a credit card and a driver's license you can buy plane tickets, rent cars, etc.
When you get home after this trip, get a burner phone.
Also consider getting a time machine, to go back and leave your partner as soon as he pulled that shit with your phone the first time. But that's another discussion.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:12 PM on January 12, 2022 [12 favorites]
You're traveling already, then? Make sure you have cash, a credit card and your license, and - if it's hot - water on your person at all times. Carry the water bottle in your hand if necessary. Other stuff in pockets. Carry your phone in your pocket rather than in your purse if possible. At night, hide your license and credit card somewhere you won't forget it but not obvious. So like not under your pillow, but maybe in your toiletries bag.
If he were to do anything problematic, you would find the nearest couple or woman, and ask them for help. They would help you call loved ones who would come get you. Worst case, if you had nobody to call, you would ask the first person you see to call the police, who could at least get you back to your home city. With a credit card and a driver's license you can buy plane tickets, rent cars, etc.
When you get home after this trip, get a burner phone.
Also consider getting a time machine, to go back and leave your partner as soon as he pulled that shit with your phone the first time. But that's another discussion.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:12 PM on January 12, 2022 [12 favorites]
Reading between the lines... I think you need to come up with a safety plan. This vacation as it is does not sound enjoyable. I know you're looking for strategies to ameliorate what you think is "irrational fear," but you have concrete past experiences that the person you are traveling with may not be safe. I would listen to that fear.
- Do you have any contacts in the areas you are traveling through? Can you reach out to them to let them know about your trip?
- Are there any reasonable "stopping" points in your trip where you could cancel the trip and part ways, minimizing the risk of your partner feeling like they have "lost face" and minimizing risk of retaliation?
- Cash, credit/debit card, water, sunscreen, emergency food, enough layers - these are all important to have on your person.
- Study the maps yourself so that you can more easily orient yourself on your own.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 4:17 PM on January 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
- Do you have any contacts in the areas you are traveling through? Can you reach out to them to let them know about your trip?
- Are there any reasonable "stopping" points in your trip where you could cancel the trip and part ways, minimizing the risk of your partner feeling like they have "lost face" and minimizing risk of retaliation?
- Cash, credit/debit card, water, sunscreen, emergency food, enough layers - these are all important to have on your person.
- Study the maps yourself so that you can more easily orient yourself on your own.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 4:17 PM on January 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
Regardless of whether your fear is rational or irrational it is good to have a backup plan! Like, even if your spouse is the most trustworthy person in the world, something awful could happen that incapacitated them and broke your phone. That is terrifying!
But the good news is, you're *not* a small child any more, you are an adult and you would be able to handle it if something bad happened. You are NOT solely dependent on your spouse the way you were dependent on your parents when you were a child. As fingersandtoes says, if something bad happens, you will ask someone for help, and they will help you, and you will be able to get to a safe place. You will be able to take care of yourself. Even if your spouse were to ditch you at a rest stop, you would get a ride to the nearest Walmart or McDonalds or something, you would make some phone calls, and you would get home safely. It would be awful but you would be OK in the end.
For more practical stuff, any time you're traveling try not to keep all your valuables/ID in the same place. Longer-term, it will be easier to take care of yourself if you already have things in place like a bank account and/or credit card that's only in your name.
posted by mskyle at 4:47 PM on January 12, 2022 [12 favorites]
But the good news is, you're *not* a small child any more, you are an adult and you would be able to handle it if something bad happened. You are NOT solely dependent on your spouse the way you were dependent on your parents when you were a child. As fingersandtoes says, if something bad happens, you will ask someone for help, and they will help you, and you will be able to get to a safe place. You will be able to take care of yourself. Even if your spouse were to ditch you at a rest stop, you would get a ride to the nearest Walmart or McDonalds or something, you would make some phone calls, and you would get home safely. It would be awful but you would be OK in the end.
For more practical stuff, any time you're traveling try not to keep all your valuables/ID in the same place. Longer-term, it will be easier to take care of yourself if you already have things in place like a bank account and/or credit card that's only in your name.
posted by mskyle at 4:47 PM on January 12, 2022 [12 favorites]
Well, it doesn't sound like fun; it sounds like you're engaging in an activity he thinks is fun, and you feel compelled to go, because you hate to be not-fun. You. Do. Not. Have. To. Go.
But I'm trying to answer the question, so. Get a small cross-body bag, keep your phone in it. wear it all the time. Not because I think he'd take it, but for your own sense of comfort. Put $100 in 10s in there, too. And a credit card and phone charger. Download some engaging books; reading is a huge anxiety-resolver for me.
If there's a crisis, call 911 and a friend. Then find a bathroom and splash cold water on your face. If possible, get some xanax; it is not great to take regularly, but terrific for as-needed help. Obviously, this requires a doctor and a prescription.
There's some serious imbalance in your relationship and I hope your therapist is working with you on that.
posted by theora55 at 4:47 PM on January 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
But I'm trying to answer the question, so. Get a small cross-body bag, keep your phone in it. wear it all the time. Not because I think he'd take it, but for your own sense of comfort. Put $100 in 10s in there, too. And a credit card and phone charger. Download some engaging books; reading is a huge anxiety-resolver for me.
If there's a crisis, call 911 and a friend. Then find a bathroom and splash cold water on your face. If possible, get some xanax; it is not great to take regularly, but terrific for as-needed help. Obviously, this requires a doctor and a prescription.
There's some serious imbalance in your relationship and I hope your therapist is working with you on that.
posted by theora55 at 4:47 PM on January 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
You can buy a burner phone at most gas stations, perhaps that’s an option when you make a rest stop?
posted by raccoon409 at 4:49 PM on January 12, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by raccoon409 at 4:49 PM on January 12, 2022 [12 favorites]
Please buy a burner phone at the next gas station and hide it somewhere in your purse/luggage.
Please also withdraw as much cash as you can and hide it in the same place.
After that, tell yourself you have done everything you can. If the absolute worst happens and you have to get out alone, you can. This is your safety net.
Once you’re safely home (which you will be), please talk to your therapist about why you don’t feel safe in this relationship. Hiding your phone is controlling and abusive and this needs to be dealt with as a broader issue. Your fears are not irrational.
Hang in there.
posted by Salamander at 5:56 PM on January 12, 2022 [16 favorites]
Please also withdraw as much cash as you can and hide it in the same place.
After that, tell yourself you have done everything you can. If the absolute worst happens and you have to get out alone, you can. This is your safety net.
Once you’re safely home (which you will be), please talk to your therapist about why you don’t feel safe in this relationship. Hiding your phone is controlling and abusive and this needs to be dealt with as a broader issue. Your fears are not irrational.
Hang in there.
posted by Salamander at 5:56 PM on January 12, 2022 [16 favorites]
The Hotline is a resource within the United States that runs a hotline, textline, and chatline. Their hotline is staffed 24/7 and the number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
There are similar services in other countries if you do an online search for DV hotline. The people who staff these hotlines are trained on how to help folks in your situation make a safety plan and connect to a number of other support services.
This webpage is another resource for making a safety plan specifically in regard to your phone.
You are not alone, and neither is anyone who might be in a similar situation and reading this right now. There are advocates who are waiting to support you, when you are ready.
posted by panther of the pyrenees at 6:27 PM on January 12, 2022 [6 favorites]
There are similar services in other countries if you do an online search for DV hotline. The people who staff these hotlines are trained on how to help folks in your situation make a safety plan and connect to a number of other support services.
This webpage is another resource for making a safety plan specifically in regard to your phone.
You are not alone, and neither is anyone who might be in a similar situation and reading this right now. There are advocates who are waiting to support you, when you are ready.
posted by panther of the pyrenees at 6:27 PM on January 12, 2022 [6 favorites]
Starting from an assumption that you are either already travelling or are going regardless, there are some things I think you can do to help you feel more in control.
1. If you get out of the car, make sure it is you that's holding the keys - at the least, this may help you feel safer about being left behind.
2. Keep your phone on you at all times and, if possible, buy a cheap burner phone ASAP that you can keep your own little secret, just in case. Knowing you can call for help may give you some comfort.
3. Make sure you have your ID, bank/credit cards and enough cash to get you out of a tight spot on you at all times. Just knowing this is all secure may ease your mind about being stranded without resources.
4. Keep a close track of where you are, if you aren't driving, just in case you do need to call for help. Can you set a trusted person up with the ability to track your phone's location so there is someone who knows where you are?
Doing all these things may help your trust issues, because you're keeping control of things that make you anxious to the extent possible. If it turns out that your trust issues are warranted in this case, you'll be in the best possible position to manage.
Look after yourself - there's a whole bunch of people here that know you can do this!
posted by dg at 7:05 PM on January 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
1. If you get out of the car, make sure it is you that's holding the keys - at the least, this may help you feel safer about being left behind.
2. Keep your phone on you at all times and, if possible, buy a cheap burner phone ASAP that you can keep your own little secret, just in case. Knowing you can call for help may give you some comfort.
3. Make sure you have your ID, bank/credit cards and enough cash to get you out of a tight spot on you at all times. Just knowing this is all secure may ease your mind about being stranded without resources.
4. Keep a close track of where you are, if you aren't driving, just in case you do need to call for help. Can you set a trusted person up with the ability to track your phone's location so there is someone who knows where you are?
Doing all these things may help your trust issues, because you're keeping control of things that make you anxious to the extent possible. If it turns out that your trust issues are warranted in this case, you'll be in the best possible position to manage.
Look after yourself - there's a whole bunch of people here that know you can do this!
posted by dg at 7:05 PM on January 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
There’s so much advice in this thread that seems to speak from experience and deep care for you.
I haven’t been in a relationship where I felt physically unsafe, but I have struggled with anxiety, and I’m wondering if - in addition to any safety planning you do, which sounds like a great way to give yourself some confidence about your ability to take care of yourself - there are actions that could both give you a feeling of autonomy and reinforce any good feelings you do have about the trip. Sending occasional selfies to a group of friends, with locations - writing a ten-minute email about your adventures that day and plans for the next before bed and sending it to friends/family - I’m sure people here, myself included, would love to ping you back with messages of support, in addition to it being a way to let folks know where you are.
I hope you’re able to enjoy good food and hydration and sleep and some gentle stretches and sunlight each day.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 7:38 PM on January 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
I haven’t been in a relationship where I felt physically unsafe, but I have struggled with anxiety, and I’m wondering if - in addition to any safety planning you do, which sounds like a great way to give yourself some confidence about your ability to take care of yourself - there are actions that could both give you a feeling of autonomy and reinforce any good feelings you do have about the trip. Sending occasional selfies to a group of friends, with locations - writing a ten-minute email about your adventures that day and plans for the next before bed and sending it to friends/family - I’m sure people here, myself included, would love to ping you back with messages of support, in addition to it being a way to let folks know where you are.
I hope you’re able to enjoy good food and hydration and sleep and some gentle stretches and sunlight each day.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 7:38 PM on January 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
-I have had trust issues since childhood. My mind is going into overdrive, thinking up scenarios like "What if he gets angry and leaves me at a reststop?"
-This feels as terrifying as it would to a small child.
-Spouse has slight anger issues (think, like, unkind words and days of pouting), but would never leave me in an unfamiliar place and is normally loving and understanding.
-He has, though, stolen my phone in the past (at home and out of frustration, many apologies since).
-We've talked about it, and all his reassurance sounds empty to me "You will never leave me? That's exactly what a secret abandoner would say."
A lot of this sounds like it minimizes his transgressions but maximizes your vulnerabilities.
I think your instincts are correct and you should trust them.If you can reach a mod to tell where you are, you can maybe get a ride out of there and a safe place to go. In the meantime, be careful of your search and posting history, don't keep all of your money and credit cards in just one place, and if you have a passport in these conditions, stuff it in your shoe or something.
There are some red flags on fire in your telling of these circumstances that people on the outside see here. For example, slight anger issues (think, like, unkind words and days of pouting)--that is 100% not normal adult behavior.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:39 PM on January 12, 2022 [9 favorites]
-This feels as terrifying as it would to a small child.
-Spouse has slight anger issues (think, like, unkind words and days of pouting), but would never leave me in an unfamiliar place and is normally loving and understanding.
-He has, though, stolen my phone in the past (at home and out of frustration, many apologies since).
-We've talked about it, and all his reassurance sounds empty to me "You will never leave me? That's exactly what a secret abandoner would say."
A lot of this sounds like it minimizes his transgressions but maximizes your vulnerabilities.
I think your instincts are correct and you should trust them.If you can reach a mod to tell where you are, you can maybe get a ride out of there and a safe place to go. In the meantime, be careful of your search and posting history, don't keep all of your money and credit cards in just one place, and if you have a passport in these conditions, stuff it in your shoe or something.
There are some red flags on fire in your telling of these circumstances that people on the outside see here. For example, slight anger issues (think, like, unkind words and days of pouting)--that is 100% not normal adult behavior.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:39 PM on January 12, 2022 [9 favorites]
He has, though, stolen my phone in the past (at home and out of frustration, many apologies since).
Also this. Normal people don't do this. Ever. It's like taking the bathroom door off the hinges or something.
It's nuts.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:40 PM on January 12, 2022 [18 favorites]
Also this. Normal people don't do this. Ever. It's like taking the bathroom door off the hinges or something.
It's nuts.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:40 PM on January 12, 2022 [18 favorites]
Domestic violence advocate here. There’s some great advice in the comments already, and I’m just here to agree with it. Also, should you need or want to get help from a domestic violence agency, here is where you can find one:
USA: DomesticShelters.org
International: HotPeachPages.net
And if you happen to be passing through southern New Mexico, let me know and I can connect you with someone directly.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:57 PM on January 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
USA: DomesticShelters.org
International: HotPeachPages.net
And if you happen to be passing through southern New Mexico, let me know and I can connect you with someone directly.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:57 PM on January 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
I went through a period of severe agoraphobia. I couldn't spend the night away from home, much less go on a trip. It was terrifying and I had to come up with some coping mechanisms.
By far the most successful thing I've come up with, a simple phrase that has allowed me to travel all over the world is: "Passport and a credit card." That can be reasonably translated as "ID and a bunch of cash".
Absolutely everything else is optional. You can run off with my luggage, with my car, with my friends. You can strand me naked in a town square of a country I've never heard of, but as long as I have a passport and a credit card I know I'll make it home.
So in your shoes I would get a travel wallet -- something that straps to your stomach or hangs around your neck -- and put ID and financial resources in it. With those you can do anything.
(of course it's guaranteed that you'll start worrying about losing those somewhere, but at least it's a single concrete thing to worry about and not a constellation of vague fears)
-------------------------------
Like other people I'm struck that the fear you chose to use as an example is your partner, and specifically you mentioning that he had confiscated your phone in the past. From your description a fear of him behaving badly seems reasonable and taking a few precautions a measured response.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:11 PM on January 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
By far the most successful thing I've come up with, a simple phrase that has allowed me to travel all over the world is: "Passport and a credit card." That can be reasonably translated as "ID and a bunch of cash".
Absolutely everything else is optional. You can run off with my luggage, with my car, with my friends. You can strand me naked in a town square of a country I've never heard of, but as long as I have a passport and a credit card I know I'll make it home.
So in your shoes I would get a travel wallet -- something that straps to your stomach or hangs around your neck -- and put ID and financial resources in it. With those you can do anything.
(of course it's guaranteed that you'll start worrying about losing those somewhere, but at least it's a single concrete thing to worry about and not a constellation of vague fears)
-------------------------------
Like other people I'm struck that the fear you chose to use as an example is your partner, and specifically you mentioning that he had confiscated your phone in the past. From your description a fear of him behaving badly seems reasonable and taking a few precautions a measured response.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:11 PM on January 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
Other people have answered this with rational answers for rational fears, so if those ring true - or if the solutions will help make you feel better so you can enjoy your trip - by all means, use them.
On the chance that you know yourself, and you are absolutely certain that these fears are truly irrational, intrusive thoughts getting in the way of your enjoying yourself...
Remember to breathe. Use the tools your therapist has already taught you. You know them, you're just a bit too far past the place you can easily grab them. List them. In your head, out loud if you have to, heck, write them down on paper. Name them, and pick whichever seems the easiest to try at the moment. Ground yourself, breathe, and if all else fails, fight back. You deserve to get to enjoy this trip. Your parents and your childhood don't have the right to take it from you.
And then add some more things to soothe and shush that worry if you need to. Tell a friend, I'm going to check in by X time every day, or every other day. If you don't hear from me, somethings wrong. Turn the location on for your phone; even, share it with the friend. Use the mapping - know where you are, and keep just a general sort of idea how far you are from the nearest place where people are. Keep your shoes on, and if it's cold, your coat. Make excuses to hold on to the keys when you get out of the car; stash them in your purse, or always come up with something you need to run back to the car for real quick.
And if you deal with this sort of anxiety as a lifelong thing, and have a therapist, I'm gonna go a step further. Your partner knows about, right? Then talk to him. He knows you're prone to this sort of thing, and need a tactic to ward it off, something other than just his reassuring words. Make it a thing, that you hold the keys - or his phone or wallet - when you're out of the car.
And if none of these apply, and you have a valid reason to be worried... the very next place you stop, ask to use the phone. Fake needing an emergency bathroom visit, even. And reach out for help.
posted by stormyteal at 11:41 PM on January 12, 2022
On the chance that you know yourself, and you are absolutely certain that these fears are truly irrational, intrusive thoughts getting in the way of your enjoying yourself...
Remember to breathe. Use the tools your therapist has already taught you. You know them, you're just a bit too far past the place you can easily grab them. List them. In your head, out loud if you have to, heck, write them down on paper. Name them, and pick whichever seems the easiest to try at the moment. Ground yourself, breathe, and if all else fails, fight back. You deserve to get to enjoy this trip. Your parents and your childhood don't have the right to take it from you.
And then add some more things to soothe and shush that worry if you need to. Tell a friend, I'm going to check in by X time every day, or every other day. If you don't hear from me, somethings wrong. Turn the location on for your phone; even, share it with the friend. Use the mapping - know where you are, and keep just a general sort of idea how far you are from the nearest place where people are. Keep your shoes on, and if it's cold, your coat. Make excuses to hold on to the keys when you get out of the car; stash them in your purse, or always come up with something you need to run back to the car for real quick.
And if you deal with this sort of anxiety as a lifelong thing, and have a therapist, I'm gonna go a step further. Your partner knows about, right? Then talk to him. He knows you're prone to this sort of thing, and need a tactic to ward it off, something other than just his reassuring words. Make it a thing, that you hold the keys - or his phone or wallet - when you're out of the car.
And if none of these apply, and you have a valid reason to be worried... the very next place you stop, ask to use the phone. Fake needing an emergency bathroom visit, even. And reach out for help.
posted by stormyteal at 11:41 PM on January 12, 2022
I can’t speak to either how safe or otherwise your spouse is or how to treat your anxiety. But I do travel alone frequently including to remote parts and my preferred trip format is a road trip.
And I just wanted to nth the people who point out that the only thing you really need to get home are ID and credit cards, ideally a bit of cash to help with any local travel you‘d not normally pay for by card. You don’t strictly speaking need a phone.
A phone would help you arrange things but at a rest stop for example there are other people and there are telephones. You would walk up to the till and ask for help and people tend to be willing to help. You would be able to access help in that situation. That is the difference to your childhood experiences and fears - you are now an adult with the ability to help yourself, even if that means asking for help.
posted by koahiatamadl at 4:15 AM on January 13, 2022 [6 favorites]
And I just wanted to nth the people who point out that the only thing you really need to get home are ID and credit cards, ideally a bit of cash to help with any local travel you‘d not normally pay for by card. You don’t strictly speaking need a phone.
A phone would help you arrange things but at a rest stop for example there are other people and there are telephones. You would walk up to the till and ask for help and people tend to be willing to help. You would be able to access help in that situation. That is the difference to your childhood experiences and fears - you are now an adult with the ability to help yourself, even if that means asking for help.
posted by koahiatamadl at 4:15 AM on January 13, 2022 [6 favorites]
I don’t know how safe or unsafe you are right now— it’s really scary to be in a position where you can’t tell if your fears are realistic or not— but you’re an adult and can take care of yourself if what you’re worried about comes to pass. I think having your bases covered is the best option here.
At the next gas station or rest stop where your partner is asleep or in the bathroom for what you know will be a long time, get a burner phone and phone card. Go to the ATM and withdraw $1-200 in $20s, because small roadside businesses don’t always accept bigger bills. The next time you take a shower or get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, set up the phone. Put your new emergency phone, your emergency cash, and your ID in a pocket you’ll keep on you at all times or be able to grab if you need to get out in a hurry.
If you are abandoned at a gas station, rest stop, or the side of the road, and don’t have a phone or wallet, people will help you. Don’t be afraid to ask them. Groups of women or women with kids will feel the safest. If you don’t have a phone, explain the situation and ask to use theirs for a moment to call, email, or message a trusted friend. If you are, say, stranded at a grocery store for hours with no phone, you can ask multiple people to call a friend to send you a money order, different people spending 5 minutes while doing errands even if they can’t stay for the length of time it’ll take to finish, which you can then use to get a burner and get home.
OP, I don’t know if you’re going to need to put together the emergency kit we’re all suggesting, but I think you will feel and actually *be* safer if you do. I hope that when the road trip ends, your partner had zero anger incidents that would make it even a little bit necessary. Please talk to your therapist about all of this— about being in a relationship where your partner’s past actions, stealing your phone in anger, made you genuinely and reasonably afraid to go on a road trip with them. If they are framing this the way you are in the question, as you having “trust issues,” it may be time to find a new therapist. Please take care of yourself. If you can, I think a lot of us on the green would appreciate a check in with the mods saying you’ve made it home safe when you do.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 1:04 PM on January 13, 2022 [5 favorites]
At the next gas station or rest stop where your partner is asleep or in the bathroom for what you know will be a long time, get a burner phone and phone card. Go to the ATM and withdraw $1-200 in $20s, because small roadside businesses don’t always accept bigger bills. The next time you take a shower or get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, set up the phone. Put your new emergency phone, your emergency cash, and your ID in a pocket you’ll keep on you at all times or be able to grab if you need to get out in a hurry.
If you are abandoned at a gas station, rest stop, or the side of the road, and don’t have a phone or wallet, people will help you. Don’t be afraid to ask them. Groups of women or women with kids will feel the safest. If you don’t have a phone, explain the situation and ask to use theirs for a moment to call, email, or message a trusted friend. If you are, say, stranded at a grocery store for hours with no phone, you can ask multiple people to call a friend to send you a money order, different people spending 5 minutes while doing errands even if they can’t stay for the length of time it’ll take to finish, which you can then use to get a burner and get home.
OP, I don’t know if you’re going to need to put together the emergency kit we’re all suggesting, but I think you will feel and actually *be* safer if you do. I hope that when the road trip ends, your partner had zero anger incidents that would make it even a little bit necessary. Please talk to your therapist about all of this— about being in a relationship where your partner’s past actions, stealing your phone in anger, made you genuinely and reasonably afraid to go on a road trip with them. If they are framing this the way you are in the question, as you having “trust issues,” it may be time to find a new therapist. Please take care of yourself. If you can, I think a lot of us on the green would appreciate a check in with the mods saying you’ve made it home safe when you do.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 1:04 PM on January 13, 2022 [5 favorites]
Uh. If he took your phone, this is not an "irrational fear."
This is a thing that people sometimes do. One of my relatives has driven away and left another close family member on the side of the road 2 hours from home.
Both taking a phone and stranding someone are forms of abusive behavior. They are ways of removing communication and options and control.
Your very rational brain is telling you to be afraid because subconsciously you understand he's tried to control you and limit your options before. He could do it again.
posted by liminal_shadows at 3:44 PM on January 13, 2022
This is a thing that people sometimes do. One of my relatives has driven away and left another close family member on the side of the road 2 hours from home.
Both taking a phone and stranding someone are forms of abusive behavior. They are ways of removing communication and options and control.
Your very rational brain is telling you to be afraid because subconsciously you understand he's tried to control you and limit your options before. He could do it again.
posted by liminal_shadows at 3:44 PM on January 13, 2022
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He has, though, stolen my phone in the past (at home and out of frustration, many apologies since).
At that point I would not have spent another night under the same roof as this person, that would have been the immediate and permanent end of the relationship. If it were feasible, I would have been in an electronics store as fast as possible, getting my hands on a phone this person had never physically touched.
It is never, ever, ever acceptable to take away an adult's ability to call for help because you're angry at that adult, and that's what that was. Can you imagine yourself taking away his phone, or other adult's phone, out of any high emotion, for any length of time?
It is perfectly rational to fear that he will behave in unsafe ways in the future because he has done so in the past. Of course you believe he's going to prioritize his anger, his control of you, and his hurt feelings over your sense of safety, because that's what his track record says this man does. His words sound empty because his actions speak louder.
I would not bother emailing your therapist. I would contact a DV hotline immediately about how to make a plan to safely escape from this guy.
This "vacation" does not sound "fun" to me. Forget your guilt and run.
posted by All Might Be Well at 2:16 PM on January 12, 2022 [60 favorites]