Casting a wide net: what is romance?

September 15, 2021 7:44 PM

This question is more about personal development than the relationship itself. My long-term, LDR relationship was relabeled from "romantic partners" to "someone I still love very much and want in my life but the 'partner' label isn't working for us now." Reason being, it's been kind of dead-bedroom syndrome for the better part of a year (for as much as an LDR can handle) and lack of romance. This has me doubting myself about what romance even is.

I am obviously distraught, relieved that I still get to keep this person in my life, angry at COVID for contributing to this limbo, and (a little) angry at myself for always falling in love with people never in my geographical region. I am trying very hard not to slip backwards into an "I'm going to be alone forever" mentality, because I've worked so hard this past year to get a handle on my anxiety, but I also just... do not have the energy for someone new in my life at that level of closeness. I haven't had that energy in years.

I don't think I'm aromantic? The thought of romantic relationships isn't a turn-off, and it's something I do want and sympathize with in media I consume. But also... what the fuck is it. What is romance? I hate new relationship energy. I hate the "butterflies in stomach" part of crushing on someone because it feels the same as anxiety that causes me to lose whatever I just ate. This relabeled relationship* was/is just... so nice, because we settled into it so easy.

*I know this sounds defensive, but I want to stress that this is not "exes who try to remain friends". We are both on the queer spectrum and they are like family to me after almost a decade.

Ultimately, my question is: what is romance? Am I just bad at it? (possibly rhetorical) How do I cultivate it? I feel like I can easily find books and resources I resonate with when it comes to making relationships work, but anything with a focus on romance feels sappy, too-sticky sweet, and unrelatable. This very well could be a "this specific relationship" problem, but considering I've been anxiously-attached for years -- and just now feeling like I'm moving towards Secure -- I know this is partially on me. And if it is an issue with how I approach relationships, I don't want to get surprised by it again in any future opportunity. I do not have a therapist (boy, do I want one!) and cannot afford one on my current, reduced salary. (Fuck you too, COVID!)

So, thoughts? Books? Philosophies I could look into? I trust this community's input.

posted by lesser weasel to Human Relations (11 answers total)

Romance is a cultural construct. It's obviously a pretty universal one, but the specific framing depends on culture. Our culture's idea that everyone should experience romance is pretty weird, historically.

I think you might appreciate conversations amongst the asexual community. Aromantics, as you might know, are socially sort of a branch of asexuals (that's not to imply that aromantics are necessarily asexual). From what you have written here, "aromantic" could be a perfectly suitable label for you, if you choose it. Existential questions such as "what even is romance?" are so common in the asexual community as to be a meme. One of the lovely aspects of the asexual community is that people are very welcoming of others who are questioning, even if they ultimately determine that the labels don't fit.

For perspective on how long humans have been pondering the nature of love, I suggest Plato's Symposium (which is an entertaining and short read). If you're inclined toward scholarly reading, maybe you'd appreciate an anthropology text on human sexuality or a queer history book. Philosophy of love is its own small sub-field.
posted by Comet Bug at 9:41 PM on September 15, 2021

Best answer: For me, romance is my partner leaving the light on when I come home late, or being a little less cautious about COVID but cheerfully adapting to my stricter risk budget. Insisting on dropping me off at the door if it’s raining, buying me a gossip mag at the grocery store just because. Those things make me feel seen and known and loved, which is romance to me. Maybe that resonates for you?

I used to think romance was big gestures and flowers, gushy declarations on social media, until I experienced those things and realized they felt kind of performative to me (and were often over-compensations for my bad relationships). Now I think it’s much more authentic to co-create shared expectations of romance with my partner, based on what makes each of us feel loved, desired, and valued.

Thinking about love languages was helpful in shaping our actions, especially the expanded inclusive version which includes acts of solidarity and emotional labor (big ones for me!). And of course, bell hooks informs everything. YMMV.
posted by stellaluna at 10:29 PM on September 15, 2021 [18 favorites]

FWIW I am a queer woman happily married to a woman I adore, and I don't have the least clue what romance is, either. Emotional intimacy, partnership in daily life, shared values and goals, and, yes, sex are all part of the relationship, but I couldn't point at any of it and tell you "that's romance." I have other relationships in my life that have those same aspects, they're just not quite as strong, or one of them is missing (usually, although not always, mutual attraction, although the "could stand to live together" bit is even more rare) or simply the logistics just never worked out. I acknowledge that I might be weird! But it's not a weirdness that has prevented me from having a happy marriage.
posted by restless_nomad at 5:30 AM on September 16, 2021 [9 favorites]

(FWIW, I'm definitely not aro but there are things about NRE that I find terrifying. I don't think that's a contradiction. It's a crazy, chaotic, destabilizing experience.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:48 AM on September 16, 2021 [1 favorite]

From your phrasing, it sounds like the relationship was relabeled by your partner, and those reasons--"dead bedroom syndrome" and "lack of romance"--are your partner's reasons?

If so, the most important question, seems to me, is what is romance to your partner, and what does "lack of romance" mean to them? The personal specificity there seems crucial--not really "culturally/philosophically what is Romance", or even "in X number of other people's relationships how did they define romance".
posted by theatro at 7:13 AM on September 16, 2021 [1 favorite]

I might be as confused as you are, but whenever I ask people how romantic relationships are different from platonic ones, the things they list are also things I do/ feel for platonic friends. I do not know if there is no actual difference other than how people choose to frame things to fit into how they want their lives to look, or if it is instead a thing I don't experience/ can't see but others do.

For me, it's definitely not something I'm missing in my life. If you're not missing it either it sounds like your best bet, rather than trying to feel something that doesn't come naturally, is to go through the motions that the people you love want from you. My guess is that they may be looking for things that show that you care deeply about them and think about them a lot; you might provide plenty of that but you need to learn what hits the right buttons for them specifically.
posted by metasarah at 9:08 AM on September 16, 2021 [2 favorites]

It's interesting to me that you can identify yourself as falling in love with people (albeit geographically unsuitable ones) but not feel like you have a sense of what romance is. To me, the valence of emotion that tells me "I am falling/have fallen in love with this person" IS romance. It's whatever makes someone the person (or people, I'm speaking solely from my monogamous perspective) you want to spend more time with than anyone, the person who occupies your thoughts most (most of the time) and so on. For a lot of people there is a distinctly sexy side to this emotional valence as well, but not everyone.

Now I think that is separate from the specific actions or interactions that MAKE someone feel this way, which would be individual to everyone.

For your specific situation, it sounds like your partner definitely considers some level of sexytimes and maybe some overt gestures of devotion to be part of what "romance" is. And it sounds like you do not, but it is hard to tell from your post whether that's your permanent state or whether you're just having an easier time with the COVID distance.

What WAS your relationship like? What did y'all DO? Can you identify an interaction that felt special or lovely to you and understand why it did? Could THEY? Because I'll say this much: "Easy" and "settled" are things that can verrrrrrry swiftly slide into "taken for granted" and "detached." And pretty much nobody finds that romantic at all.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:04 AM on September 16, 2021 [3 favorites]

lim·er·ence
/ˈlimərəns/
noun
the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship

The pop culture idea of romance is tied to the concept of limerence. Note the word "involuntarily" in the definition.

There is as alternate definition of romance meaning "story". So you might think of romance being the things that happen that you would include when telling the story of the relationship.
posted by SemiSalt at 3:37 PM on September 16, 2021

Best answer: Hi I’m a queer cis WOC who’s in an LDR (with a cishet white guy lol).

I googled “what is romance” and one of the links that came up was from the wonderful Heather Havrilevsky, of Ask Polly fame.

I especially like this line: “Laughing at how beaten-down you sometimes are, in your tireless quest to survive, is romance. It’s sexy to feel less than totally sexy and still feel like you’re sexy to one person, no matter what.”

I think when it comes down to it, romance is about intimacy. Not necessarily sexual or physical, it’s about being seen and known by another person. It’s all those little gestures that one does to make their partner feel special. And what those gestures are, are going to be different for everyone. Because it’s about meeting that person’s needs – like getting up to start the coffee so by the time they’re done in the washroom their coffee is ready. But if they don’t drink coffee, then you wouldn’t do this. Maybe they like tea and you put water in the kettle, get out a mug and put their favourite tea bag flavour in. It’s a process: noticing things about your partner and offering to do X. It’s not just doing the thing, it’s a serious of actions on your part – noticing something about them, communicating it like, saying to them, “hey what if I did __ for you”, you do it, and then it becomes a thing in your relationship. Romance is something that you co-create with your partner.

So from that co-creation, you share things with your partner that you share with no one else. What makes your relationship special with your person that makes it different from all your other relationships? What makes your person so special to you? Express that. Share that with them.

I think romance is really about revelling in the things that you find beautiful (in life), and sharing that with your person. It’s revelling in what makes them beautiful to you, and saying/showing them “I love this thing about you, when you do this other thing I think it’s so cute/funny/sexy” whatever.

I think you can cultivate romance with yourself too. What are some beautiful things that you love simply because they exist? E.g. appreciating plants, clouds, walking barefoot on grass or sand… Go and experience those things and feel how great they are. Treat yourself to your favourite foods/books/movies/sensory experiences. I think once you get used to this idea and having these experiences, it can spill over to how you express your appreciation and love to your partner. Romance is so hard to describe. At the core of it, I think it’s about feeling alive, being in awe and wonder about beauty. And beauty is however you want to define it. Beauty and finding things beautiful, there’s a certain energy to it – aliveness. (Which I know is so hard during COVID!)

You might also want to look at the work of Esther Perel. She talks a lot about the erotic, which she defines as being playful and creative, which I think is a big part of romance as well.

Another idea: queerplatonic relationships. Google it. Maybe that type of relationship will work better for you two?
posted by foxjacket at 7:26 AM on September 17, 2021 [5 favorites]

Romance ties you to anything/anyone in retrospect with a feeling of devotion. As soon as you realized you had a desire for longevity the entire consummation of said entity becomes romantic, even in the absence of physical intimacy. Romance usually plays out void of a sexual connection. However I find the titling of Romantic onto anything eventually crushes the passion right out of existence and passion trumps romance in the sexual stamina game.
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 9:55 AM on September 18, 2021

Response by poster: Hey all, thank you for the answers and suggestions and thoughts; they've given me things to ground myself into and mull over, even as I'm fighting off that inital panic of "everyone leaves me" or fears of inadequacy. The quieter things, the displays of "I care for you" that aren't so easily done long-distance (or are taken for granted), I resonate with those and feel like I'm good at them. Unfortunately, for this specific relationship, I think they fell short.

I know deep down it wasn't for lack of trying on my end. I know there were things that I was unsatisfied with, even as I wanted to make it work. This pandemic has not been kind to me emotionally or mentally, with no in-person support, so even if it was a "relabeling" this was just one more thing to grieve and not want to let go of.

Again, thank you. I'm sure I'll be coming back to your answers multiple times.
posted by lesser weasel at 10:37 PM on September 18, 2021 [1 favorite]