My train of thought is too easily derailed by people jabbering at me.
September 12, 2021 4:08 PM Subscribe
I've never been great with multiple people talking to me at the same time but I think it's getting worse. If I'm trying to pay attention to someone and another person starts talking (to me or to someone else in my hearing), I instantly seize up mentally and can't process what anyone is saying, my attention goes to shit, and I have a ragey panicky reaction, which I mostly don't show externally.
This makes me feel rude and makes it hard for me to communicate because I have to tamp down the panic, remember what people were saying, and try to give people the reaction / answer they were waiting for. This is complicated by the fact that I occasionally deal with attention-seeking adults who are trying to be clever when I am just trying to get them in the car / make dinner / etc.
I have never been good at multitasking but it seems like it's getting worse. Having lots of people talking feels like little explosions going off in my brain.
None of these people are malicious, on the contrary, they LIKE me and want to tell me things, and it's not their fault that I mentally redline when they all talk at once.
How can I get better at dealing with this?
This makes me feel rude and makes it hard for me to communicate because I have to tamp down the panic, remember what people were saying, and try to give people the reaction / answer they were waiting for. This is complicated by the fact that I occasionally deal with attention-seeking adults who are trying to be clever when I am just trying to get them in the car / make dinner / etc.
I have never been good at multitasking but it seems like it's getting worse. Having lots of people talking feels like little explosions going off in my brain.
None of these people are malicious, on the contrary, they LIKE me and want to tell me things, and it's not their fault that I mentally redline when they all talk at once.
How can I get better at dealing with this?
I find this very relatable, if that helps at all! The pandemic has really ramped up my noise-related anxiety/anger issues, I'm trying to work through them with my therapist at the moment. One thing they suggested was simply improving the awareness of what you are feeling in these situations, trying to label the emotions a bit. So when you are getting distracted, angry, overwhelmed or irritated, you take a moment to note "angry", "overwhelmed", or your description, "redlining". I've found it does help give a bit of separation between "you" and the feeling itself, which can be enough to help manage it sometimes. Another sticky point for me is going immediately from feeling angry or irritated by things to then mentally kicking myself for even responding like that anyway, which, as they gently pointed out, does not in fact help! Try to have some sympathy for yourself in these situations, rather than piling on more negative emotions.
Both of these ideas seem somewhat rooted in meditation, so maybe that's another avenue to explore?
posted by Jon Mitchell at 4:37 PM on September 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
Both of these ideas seem somewhat rooted in meditation, so maybe that's another avenue to explore?
posted by Jon Mitchell at 4:37 PM on September 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
This same thing happens to me too, in the classroom. My (adult) students will all rush up and start asking me questions at the same time. I usually just say nicely, "I'm sorry, I can really only take in what one person is saying at a time. Would you mind waiting till I finish this conversation? Then I can give you my full attention." I mean, if anything the rude person is the person who comes and interrupts while you're already having a conversation with someone else, no?
Sometimes I get excited and do something similar when I want to tell my partner something but he's concentrating on something else. He nicely asks if I can hold off till he's done whatever he's doing. I never feel like it's rude for him to remind me--I do feel a bit bad about forgetting he can't multi-attention, but that's on me, not him.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 4:39 PM on September 12, 2021 [8 favorites]
Sometimes I get excited and do something similar when I want to tell my partner something but he's concentrating on something else. He nicely asks if I can hold off till he's done whatever he's doing. I never feel like it's rude for him to remind me--I do feel a bit bad about forgetting he can't multi-attention, but that's on me, not him.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 4:39 PM on September 12, 2021 [8 favorites]
Same. I can't focus or direct my hearing towards one person the way I could like, eyes or something. So a bunch of people going at you is just one giant messy din.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:42 PM on September 12, 2021
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:42 PM on September 12, 2021
Have you been screened for an auditory processing disorder?
posted by aramaic at 4:49 PM on September 12, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by aramaic at 4:49 PM on September 12, 2021 [5 favorites]
This is one of the key flaws of my autism. I've purchased but not yet had a chance to use (ear canal infection) sort of earplugs that will not let in sound from behind me.
It certainly has affected my social life negatively life long.
Now, I just do the primary school teacher thing, lift my hand up at 45 degree angle, and say "not all at once, I can't understand you" and then point at the most obvious speaker and say "you first", depending on work hierarchy/status, or socially, obvious urgency.
I get away with it because they are used to me being weird.
posted by b33j at 4:57 PM on September 12, 2021 [9 favorites]
It certainly has affected my social life negatively life long.
Now, I just do the primary school teacher thing, lift my hand up at 45 degree angle, and say "not all at once, I can't understand you" and then point at the most obvious speaker and say "you first", depending on work hierarchy/status, or socially, obvious urgency.
I get away with it because they are used to me being weird.
posted by b33j at 4:57 PM on September 12, 2021 [9 favorites]
This happens to me too. That might be why my opinion is you're not being the rude one, they're being rude. I find that when I say something like "I'm sorry, I can't hear two people at once" and then decide who I'm going to deal with first, people understand and will give me a second. Sometimes they even realize they made a mistake and apologize.
posted by bleep at 5:05 PM on September 12, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by bleep at 5:05 PM on September 12, 2021 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: To be clear, I am also open to the idea that everyone is rude except me. But this is not the kind of idea that sustains societies or communication and that's why I am looking for coping techniques.
posted by Vatnesine at 5:20 PM on September 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by Vatnesine at 5:20 PM on September 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
I think you cope with it by being clear with people what you need--which is for them to talk to you one at a time. There's nothing not-coping about expressing your perfectly reasonable needs like that. When you do, eventually everyone will get what they want--you'll be able to understand what they're saying, and they'll get your attention and a response that makes sense.
I don't think this is the kind of thing you could or should learn to cope with by somehow forcing yourself to--what? be able to process info coming at you from multiple directions? You aren't wired that way--many people aren't--and the situation is literally interfering with your ability to communicate with people in the way you and they want.
You don't have to label it in terms of anyone being rude, if you don't want to. I think even more important than what's rude or not rude is...what works or doesn't work. For you (and I think for lots of people, myself included), being talked at from multiple directions doesn't work. As in, no one is getting what they want or need in that situation. You aren't getting a chance to process info the way you need to, but the people talking at you aren't getting the attention or response they are looking for either.
So maybe that's why the only coping mechanism I can see here is for you to be honest with them that what they're doing isn't working for anyone, and tell them what you need them to do: wait their turn to talk so you can give them full attention.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 6:11 PM on September 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
I don't think this is the kind of thing you could or should learn to cope with by somehow forcing yourself to--what? be able to process info coming at you from multiple directions? You aren't wired that way--many people aren't--and the situation is literally interfering with your ability to communicate with people in the way you and they want.
You don't have to label it in terms of anyone being rude, if you don't want to. I think even more important than what's rude or not rude is...what works or doesn't work. For you (and I think for lots of people, myself included), being talked at from multiple directions doesn't work. As in, no one is getting what they want or need in that situation. You aren't getting a chance to process info the way you need to, but the people talking at you aren't getting the attention or response they are looking for either.
So maybe that's why the only coping mechanism I can see here is for you to be honest with them that what they're doing isn't working for anyone, and tell them what you need them to do: wait their turn to talk so you can give them full attention.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 6:11 PM on September 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
Seconding hurdy gurdy girl and bleep. You have to tell them in a calm, perhaps slightly apologetic* voice that you can not adequately process input from multiple people at the same time. I will sometimes just stop in place . . . and be silent to gain their attention.
* I'm not saying to apologize or feel bad for your needs. But that tone of voice does commmunicate your stress and can put it back on the speaker(s) that you want their assistance in solving this dilemma.
posted by ITravelMontana at 7:44 PM on September 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
* I'm not saying to apologize or feel bad for your needs. But that tone of voice does commmunicate your stress and can put it back on the speaker(s) that you want their assistance in solving this dilemma.
posted by ITravelMontana at 7:44 PM on September 12, 2021 [3 favorites]
In my experience, it is incredibly commonly accepted to stop both people by saying "sorry, I have two people talking to me at the same time" and then you turn to one, wrap up that conversation and then turn to the second.
It's not just you - lots of people have trouble following two people talking to them at the same time. And the good news, then, is that lots of people also would understand if you said that you were having a hard time following things and asked them to take turns. So if you do that too, that would be very, very understandable (unless you're dealing with a jerk, in which case....who cares, because they're a jerk).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:29 PM on September 12, 2021 [12 favorites]
It's not just you - lots of people have trouble following two people talking to them at the same time. And the good news, then, is that lots of people also would understand if you said that you were having a hard time following things and asked them to take turns. So if you do that too, that would be very, very understandable (unless you're dealing with a jerk, in which case....who cares, because they're a jerk).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:29 PM on September 12, 2021 [12 favorites]
I have Auditory Processing Disorder. While my hearing is, according to an audiologist, "perfect," my brain struggles to compute sound.
My bugbear is comprehending when there's a lot of background noise, particularly multiple people talking at once. It just turns into gibberish.
If I am otherwise fine, it's a simple matter of acknowledging the gibberish with, "Hey, guys, y'all know I can't understand when everyone talks at once. Please don't leave me out of the conversation."
If I'm low on resources (hungry, having a migraine, tired, living through a pandemic) then I feel a spark of anger and overwhelm.
I wasn't diagnosed until my mid-30s, and it's been very helpful to finally understand my life. I was diagnosed by an audiologist, in the context of a full medical workup while trying to diagnose other issues.
Hope this helps.
posted by champers at 3:29 AM on September 13, 2021 [2 favorites]
My bugbear is comprehending when there's a lot of background noise, particularly multiple people talking at once. It just turns into gibberish.
If I am otherwise fine, it's a simple matter of acknowledging the gibberish with, "Hey, guys, y'all know I can't understand when everyone talks at once. Please don't leave me out of the conversation."
If I'm low on resources (hungry, having a migraine, tired, living through a pandemic) then I feel a spark of anger and overwhelm.
I wasn't diagnosed until my mid-30s, and it's been very helpful to finally understand my life. I was diagnosed by an audiologist, in the context of a full medical workup while trying to diagnose other issues.
Hope this helps.
posted by champers at 3:29 AM on September 13, 2021 [2 favorites]
Over dozens of years of fighting similar reactions in myself, I've come up with a few techniques to help me deal with it:
- With people I know and interact with often, I ask them to say my name before speaking to me, and only start speaking when we're making eye contact.
- Please don't come into a room and start talking. Read the room first, and check whether another convo is happening, someone's on the phone, someone's asleep, etc. We even have an orange circle stuck to the door that's intended to remind people to read the room upon entering.
- For people I don't know and/or am interacting with for the first time:
- I repeat what I heard, to demonstrate that I misheard, or incompletely heard, or didn't hear. Some examples:
"... something about a meeting today?"
"Charlie cecil B gate?"
"can you start over?"
"huh..."
Sometimes I just ignore what's being said, and instead of trying to deal with it all, I just be a million miles away and make it clear that I'm not catching any of it. Eventually everyone will stop and wait and catch a breath and get organized and take turns.
I really hate it, and this happens frequently at meals, when I'm listening to a convo across the table and the person seated next to me starts a break-off, often whispered, convo. I just put my hand up to indicate I'm listening to the main convo. This is increasingly a problem. I also resist turning to or making eye contact with the side-convo starter.
In a group sitch where several people are trying to give me info, I make it clear that I need to write stuff down, and if you don't see me writing it down, it didn't happen. That is, sending (saying) a piece of info doesn't constitute communication; you must send and verify that it was received. Better yet, send me email!
Back to your question... I feel that flooded, lost ragey feeling and just take a deep breath, go under water (metaphorically, of course), come up, and re-start the convo.
"Hang on a moment..."
"Hold that thought"
"Now, what were you saying"
Or, putting up a hand or a finger let's people know you don't have the bandwidth to take in what they've saying.
posted by at at 5:31 AM on September 13, 2021 [3 favorites]
- With people I know and interact with often, I ask them to say my name before speaking to me, and only start speaking when we're making eye contact.
- Please don't come into a room and start talking. Read the room first, and check whether another convo is happening, someone's on the phone, someone's asleep, etc. We even have an orange circle stuck to the door that's intended to remind people to read the room upon entering.
- For people I don't know and/or am interacting with for the first time:
- I repeat what I heard, to demonstrate that I misheard, or incompletely heard, or didn't hear. Some examples:
"... something about a meeting today?"
"Charlie cecil B gate?"
"can you start over?"
"huh..."
Sometimes I just ignore what's being said, and instead of trying to deal with it all, I just be a million miles away and make it clear that I'm not catching any of it. Eventually everyone will stop and wait and catch a breath and get organized and take turns.
I really hate it, and this happens frequently at meals, when I'm listening to a convo across the table and the person seated next to me starts a break-off, often whispered, convo. I just put my hand up to indicate I'm listening to the main convo. This is increasingly a problem. I also resist turning to or making eye contact with the side-convo starter.
In a group sitch where several people are trying to give me info, I make it clear that I need to write stuff down, and if you don't see me writing it down, it didn't happen. That is, sending (saying) a piece of info doesn't constitute communication; you must send and verify that it was received. Better yet, send me email!
Back to your question... I feel that flooded, lost ragey feeling and just take a deep breath, go under water (metaphorically, of course), come up, and re-start the convo.
"Hang on a moment..."
"Hold that thought"
"Now, what were you saying"
Or, putting up a hand or a finger let's people know you don't have the bandwidth to take in what they've saying.
posted by at at 5:31 AM on September 13, 2021 [3 favorites]
Maybe misophonia?
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:29 AM on September 13, 2021
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:29 AM on September 13, 2021
My friend the audiologist says this is a lot more common than people think. I absolutely fall into this category. Just knowing that I’m not some bad, horrible, mentally deficient person helps me a lot. When it happens, I take a breath and explain to both people that I can’t listen to two people at the same time, and is one of them saying something urgent? If not, then I ask the second person to give me a minute and turn back to the first person. I won’t lie; this doesn’t always work. Sometimes I have to repeat the process a couple of times. A lot of people who can listen to two things at once simply refuse to believe that there are other people who can’t. But it does work a lot of the time, and more importantly, it makes me feel calmer and more in control.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:11 AM on September 13, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:11 AM on September 13, 2021 [1 favorite]
I recently had a neurological workup as part of an ADHD full diagnosis (I've been diagnosed for years, but not had that sort of testing), and it turns out that my working memory is significantly less capable than my thinking speed and various other thinking-related metrics, which explains SO MUCH about various things I find inexplicably difficult or frustrating. I think this is why I do pretty much the same thing as you, flatlining when there's far too much input. I have no solution, but it helps just know why.
posted by telophase at 8:15 AM on September 13, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by telophase at 8:15 AM on September 13, 2021 [1 favorite]
Just wanted to chime in and say you're not alone in this.
posted by kathrynm at 7:37 PM on September 13, 2021
posted by kathrynm at 7:37 PM on September 13, 2021
Sounds like ADD. I can tell when my Adderall starts wearing off at work because I suddenly hear everyone at once and can't distinguish.
I suggest getting evaluated for ADD and considering medication.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:22 PM on September 13, 2021
I suggest getting evaluated for ADD and considering medication.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:22 PM on September 13, 2021
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