The language of recovery

August 29, 2021 12:20 PM

I would like to use the word sober to describe myself, but feel messy about it. Details inside!

I had to quit drinking in early 2019 because I couldn't control it and it was impacting my life. So I quit, though the first few months were white-knuckle. Truthfully, it was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I've ever done. I called myself sober. And that was fine until --

I started using cannabis medically with some recreation thrown in some time in summer of 2020. Despite the trial and error of not knowing much then, it worked out in my favour.

I know there is the term "Cali Sober," but I must confess I'm not a fan. And I feel messy about using the word "sober" because I have friends who have gone through sincere and crippling hard drug addiction. I would absolutely hate to belittle or disrespect their struggle and triumph. "Clean" doesn't sound at all appropriate either!

So I guess, MeFriends, as someone who very much wants a label for her recovery from alcohol but acknowledgement of cannabis use, what word(s) would be right?

My closest guess is teetotaller?

posted by Kitteh to Human Relations (18 answers total)

'non-drinker' works for me. sometimes i just say, "I don't drink alcohol."
posted by j_curiouser at 12:36 PM on August 29, 2021 [12 favorites]

I quit drinking 27 years ago, but I never went through any type of recovery program. I just...quit. Like you, I know people who have gone through real struggles with addiction. So I never use the word "sober" because I feel that word belongs to those who have faced a different struggle than I did.

Instead, I just say that I don't drink. To me, the word teetotaler belongs to different time and sounds too archaic, but that's just my opinion on it.
posted by ralan at 12:36 PM on August 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

I had to quit drinking a few years ago for similar reaons but I am still a medical marijuana patient. I don't use the term sober. I do say that I "don't drink" or that I "quit drinking" or "quit alcohol" and that seems to work fine. "Recovery" is another word I would be comfortable with, especially if I could be specific about recovery from alcohol addiction. I haven't felt the need to find a single word that captures both "doesn't drink" and also "smokes weed" and I like giving more straightforward specific information by default whenever that kind of thing comes up anyway.

And I think teetotaler has a connotation of strict sobriety and isn't the right word here.
posted by grog at 12:43 PM on August 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

Nthing that variations of "non-drinker" is probably the best way to go. "I quit drinking", "I don't drink alcohol anymore", "My last drink was X and I don't want to go back", etc. Use the words that describe your actions; it's not always necessary to make a capital-I Identity out of it.
posted by Aleyn at 12:43 PM on August 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

I’d agree with “non-drinker.” It seems the simplest.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:03 PM on August 29, 2021

I'm in a similar boat (no alcohol, some cannabis, open to hallucinogens from time to time) and use "sober from alcohol" sometimes, or sometimes just "don't drink" or "not a big drinker" depending on the situation and how much I feel like explaining.

Like ralan, though, I found it comparatively easy to quit, and sometimes describe that phase of my life as more like having had an emotional problem that I used drinking to manage rather than a drinking problem per se; "sober" on its own tends to carry too many connotations of a) it having cost me effort to quit drinking, which it didn't, and b) abstaining from all mind-altering substances, which I don't.
posted by terretu at 1:06 PM on August 29, 2021 [4 favorites]

I feel like "sober" is a declaration that this is part of your identity, and introduces the idea of and alcohol abuse issue in your past. "Non-drinker" is just a factual descriptor.

But I would also say that "clean and sober" is distinct from just "sober" and technically, you are sober, just not clean. No shame in it.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:52 PM on August 29, 2021 [4 favorites]

I think you are ok to use sober if you want to - if that doesn’t feel right, I might suggest “alcohol sober”, or just simply “I no longer drink” or “I quit drinking”.

If you are looking less for a description to other people, and more some way to commemorate it yourself (I.e. “5 months sober”) I think “sober” or “sober from alcohol” works just fine, whichever feels better to you. Or just something like “5 months no alcohol” or “5 months without a drink!”
posted by sillysally at 2:27 PM on August 29, 2021

FWIW, "teetotaler" has a hint of the moral scold about it which presumably doesn't line up with your own non-drinking. If someone's described as a teetotaler, I'd expect them not only to not drink, but to look askance at the notion that anyone else does (the term has close association with temperance, which is more of a social movement than a personal practice). "Non-drinker" is good.
posted by jackbishop at 3:55 PM on August 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

I know there are some groups and people who feel the need to classify everything and if it works for them, more power to them. But I'm personally a fan of not using absolutism to describe things. I do not take a legalistic view of sobriety. I look at it as people who "don't eat gluten" but who have a piece of cake at a wedding. Going a step further there are definitely mind altering drugs like caffeine that would impact sobriety. Many religions forbid it for this very reason.

I wouldn't jump down the throat of someone who is vegan and had ice cream, and I wouldn't judge someone who didn't like drinking using a completely different substance.
posted by geoff. at 4:16 PM on August 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

as someone who very much wants a label for her recovery from alcohol but acknowledgement of cannabis use, what word(s) would be right?

Congratulations on quitting drinking! Given your concerns and the nuances, I think your label is a phrase: I stopped drinking, I quit drinking, I'm a non-drinker, I don't drink, or I don't drink anymore. Alcohol sobriety was your struggle in 2019, you're in recovery from abusing alcohol, and there's nothing wrong with using "I" statements. But if you'd want to specifically acknowledge your cannabis use (or even provide a springboard for discussion of the medical and/or recreation aspects that you've found beneficial), instead of "clean and sober" I've encountered "sober... but not squeaky clean."

[While I'd never heard "Cali Sober," now that I have, I can see its usefulness -- and also its inherent lack of allure as a self-describing label. And I'm in California.]
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:23 PM on August 29, 2021

You abstain from alcohol.
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:02 PM on August 29, 2021

Maybe this is a younger generational thing, but everyone I know who quit alcohol and smokes cannabis calls themselves ‘sober.’ If people who stop drinking and still smoke cigarettes and drink coffee (both highly addictive, psychoactive substances) can call themselves ‘sober’ I see no reason you can’t and it seems the younger generation does. ‘Cali Sober’ seems to be the most accurate term though (almost bordering on old-fashioned at this point considering the near ubiquity of cannabis use.) But ‘sober’ from your problematic substance sounds accurate too. Times/terms change.
posted by asimplemouse at 9:37 PM on August 29, 2021

Alcohol free is popular here.
posted by ellieBOA at 11:08 PM on August 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

Non-drinker?
posted by amanda at 5:26 AM on August 30, 2021

I’d go with “non-drinker.” Indeed, I suppose I do already: when a doctor asks me how many drinks I have a week, or when the last time I had alcohol was, I often have to reach back eight months or something to recall a glass of wine at a dinner, or a pint of Guinness in a pub with a friend. “Teetotaler” would seem inaccurate, and “sober” carries some freight.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:00 AM on August 30, 2021

I recently met someone who, when offered a beer, said, "No, thank you. I don't drink anymore." I took that to mean he was likely in recovery from drinking alcohol, but I wouldn't have assumed he never smoked weed (which is common and normalized where I live). I liked the way he phrased it, because it conveyed/claimed what I can only guess was an important, hard and rewarding part of his life, while also feeling friendly and chill. To say simply "I don't drink" doesn't have the same effect of owning your achievement in being sober from alcohol.
posted by TrixieRamble at 9:37 AM on August 30, 2021 [1 favorite]

Recovery implies 12 steps, so it doesn’t sound like the term applies to you.
Congratulations on your decision to stop drinking!
posted by waving at 4:50 PM on August 30, 2021