Calls from inside the house... should I answer?

August 6, 2021 3:02 PM

Probable theft of small items either by landlord or cleaning person. Landlord lives on premises. Should I raise the issue of the missing items?

I just noticed that three Pyrex bowls are missing from my cabinets. I didn't loan them out or bring them anywhere, so, unfortunately, I think theft is happening.

Only landlord and a cleaning person have access to my apartment when I'm not here. I was out of town for a week last month and, thus, opportunity.

Landlord and his family live on the premises. I am friendly with them, and I like the apartment and don't want to move... I have another move coming up in 6 months. So I have half a year left on the lease.

If I raise the issue, no matter how circuitous the phrasing ("Did I loan you my Pyrex bowls? I can't find them anywhere"), I risk offending them. I'm not physically intimidated by anyone here, but the emotional temperature will likely drop and stay there. Last time I EVER rent where landlord lives on premises.

However, if I don't raise the issue: a) the cleaning person could be the one who's doing it, and landlord also uses their services and b) no matter who took the bowls: "oh, she didn't notice that the bowls went missing, let's take something else of greater value."

Another complicating factor: I have to address them in my second language, in which I'm not quite fluent.

So, MeFites:

a) should I raise the issue of the missing bowls?
b) If so, how do you suggest I do it?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total)

I might be different than you, but given that three Pyrex bowls and nothing else have gone missing, I’d truly be wracking my brain to think if I might possibly have brought them somewhere. An outdoor picnic, perhaps?

And then I’d approach it that same way with my landlord. “I know this is weird, but I’m missing three bowls. Did I possibly lend them to you?”
posted by bluedaisy at 3:33 PM on August 6, 2021 [19 favorites]

I think there is a possibility that your bowls are elsewhere and you don't remember. I say this because I was once convinced a person working in my yard had snagged my loose coin jar. But, I later realized I had consolidated coin jars and that it wasn't stolen...

That said, I'm not sure your landlord sneaking in when you were gone to take them makes much sense. And if the landlord did take them, I doubt they would use your question to say, "Oh yes, you did loan them to me, here they are." What about asking if there was any reason they might have accessed your apartment in your absence? That could signal that you noticed something without being accusatory.

Its a bit of a cliché to blame the cleaning person, but if you want to make it known that you are aware these bowls are missing, just ask them if they know where the bowls are. That way, you have signaled you are aware of things missing (which you seem to want to happen), and not directly accused them of something you don't know for sure they did.

But I really would not be surprised if you are mistaken and the bowls are elsewhere.
posted by rhonzo at 3:35 PM on August 6, 2021 [3 favorites]

Why would your landlord steal your bowls? Either there’s more to the story or your bowls are simply missing.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 3:39 PM on August 6, 2021 [6 favorites]

I wouldn't be surprised if the cleaner or the landlord knocked over the bowls and broke them and just hoped you wouldn't notice. I also wouldn't be surprised if the bowls are somewhere else and you just forgot. I would definitely want to say something to both parties like "I haven't seen those Pyrex bowls around, have you seen them anywhere?" and see what happens.
posted by blnkfrnk at 3:42 PM on August 6, 2021 [8 favorites]

It's hard to imagine that anyone would steal 3 Pyrex bowls when they have access to actual things of value. I'd just leave the issue alone, especially since you say you're moving soon anyway.
posted by mmf at 3:43 PM on August 6, 2021 [26 favorites]

I would not say "did I loan you my bowls?" if you know that you definitely did not. Rhonzo's questions seem better...I would start by asking the cleaning person if they know where the bowls are. Maybe they moved them if they do your dishes? It seems like an unlikely thing for anyone to steal.
posted by pinochiette at 3:43 PM on August 6, 2021 [2 favorites]

For me, when my anxiety was at its highest, I would often find things missing, and accuse others of stealing them. Your bowls are missing. Would a man steal your bowls? Highly unlikely, unless he was a secret baker. Could you have put them somewhere else? Yes.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 3:58 PM on August 6, 2021 [10 favorites]

I once gave a really wealthy friend some leftovers in a few glass Pyrex bowls (I mention she was wealthy because she could have bought her own Pyrex). She completely forgot, and when I was at her house I mentioned them, because I saw them in her cabinet. She gave them back, but it definitely harmed our relationship. I wish I had just let them go and bought new ones. Having a good relationship with your cleaning person and your landlord seems more important to me than the $20 that a set of Pyrex bowls costs. It seems far more likely that somebody accidentally broke them and didn't want to say anything, than that they stole them outright.
posted by twelve cent archie at 4:00 PM on August 6, 2021 [4 favorites]

My cleaning person has proved herself totally trustworthy But when things are missing and I can't find them, I will say, "I can't find xyz. If you see it when you are cleaning, would you let me know?" Usually it turns up on its own, sometime the cleaning person will find it before I do, sometimes it just stays missing.
posted by metahawk at 4:16 PM on August 6, 2021 [31 favorites]

Maybe the cleaning lady used the bowls to clean. Maybe she broke them. Or moved them.
Maybe your landlord borrowed the bowls. Or broke them. Or moved them.
Maybe you lent the bowls to someone.
Maybe you put the bowls in use somewhere before you left for vacation.
Maybe you moved the bowls and forgot.
Maybe something else that you haven’t considered yet.

Despite other possible stories about the bowls, it sounds like the story you’re choosing to tell yourself right now is that there’s been a theft, and that this is evidence of why you should never rent a place with a landlord on site and how you need to have a difficult conversation which you’re dreading.

The only thing you know for sure right now is that you can’t find the bowls. All your thoughts about this circumstance are optional.

However, the thoughts you choose to have about this will lead to feelings and how you respond to those feelings (the actions you take).

The thought ‘the bowls have been stolen’ leads to feelings of mistrust and anxiety. Which changes how you show up when talking to your landlord (eg confronting vs asking).

How about the thought, ‘I need to gather some more info about what could have happened here’? This thought creates feelings of curiosity and puzzlement. That’s a much better place to be problem-solving from. And makes it easier to engage others and gather info, which will ultimately put your mind at ease.

Even if it turns out that you learn that the bowls were in fact stolen (new circumstances you can have optional thoughts about), you’ve saved yourself a heap of anxiety and are already starting from a much more rational place in which you can decide the next steps.
posted by iamkimiam at 4:32 PM on August 6, 2021 [21 favorites]

Our cleaning woman puts the dishes away and sometimes just misses the mark with where things go. Like I’d think it’s fairly obvious big bowls go X and cat dishes go Y but she doesn’t know and it would be a waste of her time to guess. The dishes are in your house. I do not believe they have been stolen. I have been surprised and sometimes confused by where other people put stuff, but in fifteen years of having different cleaners, no one has ever stolen anything.
posted by kate blank at 4:45 PM on August 6, 2021 [13 favorites]

I just noticed that three Pyrex bowls are missing from my cabinets. I didn't loan them out or bring them anywhere, so, unfortunately, I think theft is happening.

Do you have a stronger reason to suspect theft than this? Because I'm with everyone else here: People do forget things even when they think they wouldn't, and it would be really odd for your landlord or cleaning lady to steal your Pyrex bowls and nothing else. We think we carry a perfect record of our lives but no.

Like, I live in a small, tidy house where you think it would be impossible to misplace items, and I've had things go missing. I know for a fact that they weren't stolen because no one visits my house. Occasionally, I'll remember what I actually did with the item later.

I'm not saying that it's impossible the bowls were stolen. Just that the way you wrote this question, it really seems like you're jumping to conclusions. It seems like an irrational overreaction. Is there something else going on that you didn't put in your post?

I would not say or do anything unless other items go missing, except perhaps the suggestion above of asking the cleaning lady to keep an eye out for them.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 5:32 PM on August 6, 2021 [2 favorites]

I would do two things. One, I would put a note where the bowls go that says, "If you are borrowing my bowls, please let me know because my memory is failing." If no one is doing it, the note will just be a funny thing from you that only you know about. Two, I would buy new Pyrex bowls. Unless they are really old and family heirloom like, buying a set of pyrex bowls is pretty inexpensive these days. Then, inside one of the bowls I would put a "sign up sheet" for whomever wants to borrow one.

I have had the same cleaining person for 22 years. Like kate blank, they put things where they think they go, and I move them to where I think they should go when they leave.

Pyrex bowls are just not worth the confrontation and likely false accusation.
posted by AugustWest at 5:39 PM on August 6, 2021 [1 favorite]

One of them has probably stolen the bowls so keep an eye out for bigger things. I rented an apartment where I had a roommate who was super nice and we were friendly. Small things started to go missing. Stuff like a bundle of incense, or some buttons from my sewing box. Samples of skincare from birchbox, or random hair ties that I knew I'd set out in the bathroom for the next day. I honestly thought I was having a problem remembering things and didn't think someone was stealing from me until the day I took off my pants, folded them up on the bed, and took a shower. When I came back from the shower, no pants.

Turns out my roommate had been stealing boxes and boxes of my things but YMMV.
posted by coldbabyshrimp at 6:57 PM on August 6, 2021 [2 favorites]

If you're in most states in the US, your landlord is required by law to give you 24 hours notice before they can enter your apartment. If this is the case where you live, I'd be skeptical that they'd take that risk for just a few bowls.
posted by bendy at 7:38 PM on August 6, 2021 [2 favorites]

Pyrex bowls are not necessarily a hot commodity on the black market (that I'm aware of).

Also, I don't think many thieves work on a hierarchical scale of values that way. People casing maliciously don't usually spring for the bowls.

Maybe ask your landlord if you lent them, and pick up an apartment cam and renters insurance.
posted by firstdaffodils at 10:04 PM on August 6, 2021

Are the bowls holding food (like leftovers) in your fridge? This is often where I find receptacles I’m missing.
posted by delight at 10:58 PM on August 6, 2021 [6 favorites]

... you could always put an inexpensive, discreet, video camera in your interior space, pointing where it would show someone leaving your home.

There are lots of mentions above about the value of the bowls making theft unlikely... thing is, theft isn't always about the value of an item, and that can apply to both thief and victim. Me personally, it would rattle - I do NOT like feeling as though my space has been invaded.

That's not to say someone is, or isn't, stealing from you. You truly might have misplaced it. But, imo, at minimum, keep an eye out for other seemingly random items that may be missing or moved. Especially in enclosed spaces, or spaces you might not look at often. Cabinets, drawers, the top & back of closets, the medicine cabinet, under the bed or other out of the way storage spaces.
posted by stormyteal at 12:23 AM on August 7, 2021 [4 favorites]

For all those saying Pyrex bowls are not worth stealing, this is not necessarily true… rarer patterns in good condition can go for hundreds of dollars (my weird pandemic hobby/side hustle is buying vintage kitchenware at estate sales and selling it on Etsy). Still a weird thing to steal, just because surely there are other things in OP’s house that are smaller and worth more? And I do hope they turn up.
posted by mskyle at 3:27 AM on August 7, 2021 [2 favorites]

Funny thing is, I had 4 Pyrex bowls - the real Pyrex, go walkabout. It drove me nuts and back again. No one stole them. Someone had put them is a different cupboard and unless you stood on a chair, you couldn't see them. Any possibility that you or someone else could have mis-filed them?

I've had that happen a few times, things seem to go missing but are just in a different place and I just didn't notice the item.
posted by james33 at 6:47 AM on August 7, 2021

However, if I don't raise the issue: a) the cleaning person could be the one who's doing it, and landlord also uses their services and b) no matter who took the bowls: "oh, she didn't notice that the bowls went missing, let's take something else of greater value."

I think the lesson from this is in your last few words. When you are renting, traveling, any place others have access to, and not 100% sure that the situation is secure, lock up any real valuables.

You are absolutely right that miscommunication or bad feelings very likely if you bring this up, so probably better not to do that.
posted by BibiRose at 6:50 AM on August 7, 2021

People are being a bit condescending in insisting that the bowls must be in your house, that you just misplaced them, etc.

That said, have the people you suspect took them given you any reason prior to this, to make you think they have sticky fingers?

Also, what kind of Pyrex? There's boring modern versions, and then there's stuff like this . Certain vintage Pyrex items are now popular among collectors. Telling us what kind might help us help you a bit.

People do take things, though, that are not apparently valuable, for whatever reason. In any case, try to keep an open mind to an either-or scenario: either they are in my apartment somewhere, or someone took them. Decide how you will go about addressing both scenarios until you either find them, or find out what happened to them, preferably in as calm and non-confrontational manner as you can manage it.
posted by Crystal Fox at 9:11 AM on August 7, 2021

This is likely not going to be hugely helpful but I've seen a similar question somewhere on the internet where a person was having odd things stolen and it turned they were suffering from low level CO poisoning….so get maybe get a carbon monoxide detector to rule that out.
posted by bonobothegreat at 3:18 PM on August 7, 2021 [3 favorites]

I believe you when you say you are sure you didn't loan or move the Pyrex. I feel ya on not wanting to rent a place with a landlord on-site. All 3 of my experiences with that over the years were crap. It's very easy for me to imagine a landlord pawing into your stuff while you were gone and "borrowing" your Pyrex.

My worst landlady actually went into my apartment when I wasn't home and stored some of her groceries in my freezer. I didn't realize she'd done that until later when she wanted to get some of them back. She was a hippier-than-thou type and rationalized her behavior by complaining that I didn't store enough in my freezer so it wasn't as energy-efficient as it could be.

She also once knocked on my door to complain that my shower fan was "still" on, she had heard it when she was gardening. In fact, I turned it on after my shower in the morning and then again later in the day while I was using cleaning chemicals in there. Again, she was supposedly concerned about the environmental impact of excess energy use. But unconcerned about how ultracreepy and nosy she came off.

Many landlords do seem to have a sense of entitlement about going into "their" property, regardless of what the law says.

Regardless of the monetary value of missing items, thus is your home and you should feel safe and secure in it. If I were in your shoes. I'd get a security cam and point it at the entrance for peace of mind.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 7:52 PM on August 7, 2021 [2 favorites]

Missing things drive me nuts and I am usually so certain that the items were in a certain place that anyone else who had been in the space recently go right on to my "they must have (moved! borrowed! broken! stolen!) list.

But! I'm almost always wrong!

Extremely similarly, I could not find a glass storage bowl that I KNEW I hadn't lent anyone. It was driving me nuts.

I found it, though! It was in the freezer, storing chili that I had forgotten I had extra portions of.

My recommendation is to check your freezer, then check the top of your refrigerator, then the high shelves in your kitchen cabinets.

Good luck - not knowing where your items are (whether misplaced or stolen) is a terrible feeling!
posted by amicamentis at 7:42 AM on August 8, 2021