Switching how you orgasm?

June 28, 2021 11:18 AM

Are you a person who could only orgasm in one specific way? Did that change for you? What helped?

I'm a queer person with a vulva and I have experience doing lots of different things with people of all body configurations. But I've always masturbated in the same way, and that—or that-plus-a-specific-kind-of-toy—is all that ever does it. I've never had another person get me off at all, and I've never gotten myself off in any other way.

I've explored other ways (incl. hot fantasies, porn, all that good stuff). Even changes as small as "I'm moving my partner's hand to do the thing instead of doing it with mine" or "I'm lying on a different side while doing the thing" totally jinx it. The closest I get is "I am turned on, things feel good, and I'm having a good time, but it never gets that zing that turns into an orgasm." Eventually it gets awkward or boring and I switch to what works.

FWIW, nobody else is pressuring me on this. My current partner doesn't have a lot of ego invested in "making" me come, and they think the way I do it myself is hot. I just think it would be fun if I could do it in other ways, either alone or with them or both.

Anyway, I'd love to hear advice tailored to these details, but I'd also love to hear things that have worked for people in other situations.

posted by anonymous to Grab Bag (7 answers total)

The only thing that worked for me was to quit masturbating/touching myself for a while (on the time scale of several months). The only touch I allowed myself was from my partner, and then I eventually introduced masturbating in different positions/ways than I used to. By doing this I became a lot more sensitive to different kinds of touch and was able to orgasm easier.
posted by Robocat at 12:14 PM on June 28, 2021

There is a really good book all about this by the late Betty Dodson called "Sex For One". Despite its name, it's really a book for couples who want to liberate their orgasmic bliss from the constraints of thinking they owe their ecstasy experience and/or expertise to another person. Betty had been putting good content on YT up until her death but the book is only 250 pages and has excellent illustrations. YOMV.
posted by parmanparman at 12:18 PM on June 28, 2021

I found exclusively (for a few weeks at least) fantasizing about my current partner doing the thing I want to be able to orgasm from while I’m masturbating to help.
posted by Waiting for Pierce Inverarity at 7:05 PM on June 28, 2021

Try focusing 100% on your breathing, as you would in meditation.
posted by 10ch at 7:54 PM on June 28, 2021

What worked for me was giving up entirely on goal-oriented sex.

Once I made a deliberate decision to stop conceptualizing sex as a journey toward orgasm, instead choosing to think of it as the best fun two people could possibly have in mutual exploration of pleasurable touch, I stopped the constant comparison of what I was actually feeling against the specific sequence of sensations that had always got me to orgasm on my own.

That comparison is toxic to pleasure because it turns anything that feels different into something that feels wrong. The journey becomes way more enjoyable once we learn to quiet the inner child who insists from the beginning that the whole ride is boring and sits in the back seat shouting ARE WE THERE YET for the entire length of it.

The first time I came via a completely unanticipated pathway was both astonishing and intensely beautiful and it would never have happened had I not been so completely immersed in the moment.
posted by flabdablet at 12:45 AM on June 29, 2021

Not a sexologist, etc. etc.

You and your partner need to do some experimentation, where he tries to please you in various ways, probably with mechanical assistance. And all you do is indicate "more" or "less". Not "are we done yet?" ;) (I'm kidding about that last one)

You're NOT in a hurry. Just close your eyes and feel.

Also, @flabdablet is right, half of sex is mental (probably more) and having the right mood / mindset is crucial. If you are used to the frenzied f*** where you're under a time limit to get back into adulting, you may not come at all if you're totally relaxed as your body's conditioned to that rush of adrenaline and whatever else. And having a "goal" set nagging you ("why doesn't this work?!") is only going to spoil the mood.

What puts you in the sexy mood? Find something ELSE that does...
posted by kschang at 6:28 PM on June 29, 2021

[Quick reminder to be mindful of what pronouns are used in a question; asker here referred to partner as "they", let's stick to that.]
posted by cortex at 5:23 PM on July 2, 2021