Speaking sexy to thee

June 18, 2021 2:00 PM

Due to various kinds of repression, I'm not comfortable talking to casual sex partners about sex. I do fine with the abstract discussions and oblique flirting, but when it comes to being specific about what I want--especially in the moment--I get tongue tied and clam up.

Some of this is "what if you don't like my idea" and some is "my mouth doesn't like saying words for those body parts". Where can I observe examples of realistic communication during sexytimes, to have a sense of how to say these things?

Even if in the heat of the moment I know I want to say, "Please touch my X with your Y", I feel myself detaching, distancing, and putting up defenses before I can make the words come out of my mouth.

I know practice is the best thing, but I think watching/reading good examples will help me get comfortable faster, and feel less awkward/offputting.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (9 answers total)

The chickflixx subreddit has a detailed write-up of a porn video which seems to contain a lot of communication including several of the sort of specific requests you have trouble articulating. I haven't watched the whole thing, but I skipped to a few of the relevant parts and while they're not perfect examples, I'd say they're good enough to give you some ideas.

If that sort of thing is helpful to you (and you are a woman), you could also post on chickflixx and ask if anyone knows of other similar videos.
posted by Busy Old Fool at 3:16 PM on June 18, 2021

So for me funny=sexy and awkward sexy talk=funny so therefore awkward sexy talk=sexy.

I'm not saying everyone's brains (and sexy parts) work that way because they obviously don't. But mine do and I'm probably not that unusual.

I mean, if my husband asked me "how canst I speak sexy to thee?" I would totally be into it just saying.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 3:46 PM on June 18, 2021 [3 favorites]

I wonder if it would be interesting (and maybe fun) practice to ask for things you already knew you were going to get. Like, if your partner comes in for a kiss, but hesitates until you say "Can I have a kiss?" — like, not in a kinky beg-for-it way, just in a cute flirty asking-to-be-invited way — can you do that? Could you practice doing that until it felt safe? Could you try it with sexier things?

It might not, like, Change Everything, and it might be kind of a bittersweet experience, but I could see it helping in some ways.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:01 PM on June 18, 2021

(Oh, sorry, just reread and saw you were talking about casual partners. That might be less applicable then.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:06 PM on June 18, 2021

You don't have to name specific parts if that's a hangup for you — you can ask your partner to touch you in a specific way by showing them, guiding their hand/body, etc.

Obviously don't do this if you aren't sure if your partner will be OK with doing the thing, but usually it's possible to guage how interested they are, and they should be able to indicate if they're uncomfortable.

(Clearly there are also a bunch of gender and other dynamics and things at play here as well, but my general point is that communication doesn't have to all be verbal, and there are often effective nonverbal ways to communicate what you want)
posted by wesleyac at 7:10 PM on June 18, 2021

Sounds like you need someone who's willing to experiment with you... and you express approval or disapproval.

Or you can do it the BDSM way: with a "contract" ahead of time where the dom surveys the sub on what are his/her kinks, and what are his/her "maybe try it" and "no way Jose" stuff.

Sorta takes the "romance" out of the foreplay, but remember, if you can't ENJOY it, it's not really romantic or foreplay, is it?
posted by kschang at 9:37 AM on June 19, 2021 [2 favorites]

Since you're already seeking out casual sex, why not make an ad/profile specifically looking for a sexting/dirtytalk partner?
posted by knucklebones at 1:12 PM on June 19, 2021 [2 favorites]

Have you tried practicing on your own? Saying "Touch my X with your Y" (and variations thereof) out loud when I was alone (in the shower, on the couch, while fantasizing) turned out to be very helpful in getting past my own cringe at doing this with both casual and less casual partners. Once I could say those things comfortably to myself, they were much easier to say to someone else.
posted by pendrift at 10:13 AM on June 23, 2021

As a cis woman, both my recommendations come with the caveat "worked great for me as a cis woman, ymmv!"
Come As You Are - good for working through the detaching/distancing dynamic you describe.
OMGYes has a ton of video interviews with women describing (with words!) what they like in bed and workshopping how they communicated this to their partners. I bought a membership to the site because I was feeling the way you describe in your question, and it definitely helped normalize going after what actually feels good to me instead of what "should" feel good if I was a normal sex-positive Cool Girl.
posted by All hands bury the dead at 3:47 PM on July 20, 2021 [1 favorite]