Help me get through this month. Grad school and family covid special

April 13, 2021 10:29 AM

I am in a terminal MA programme and I have my last bunch of essays due early May before the dissertation which I will write over the summer. I don't want to give too many details away because I know people on here but essentially Covid struck my family this week. I have a grandparent with underlying health issues in hospital, potentially another grandparent affected, symptomatic siblings and parent. I live two continents away and haven't been back since 2019 (thank you Covid). I cannot change essay deadlines (I checked) -- I'd have to graduate a year later if I do so. I cannot think at the moment, please help me get through these testing weeks.

Additional stuff:

I feel like I could potentially lose at least one grandparent because of their health issues and the thought of this makes me want to get into bed and never leave it. I feel so helpless. I have a really tiny family and my grandparents are my world. Graduating later is an option but it is also a really frustrating one because I have worked hard through my MA and have done well and to lose an entire year will affect my plans for a PhD.

I tried to write today but I keep alternating between crying and staring into space. Not sure what to do. Maybe I am overreacting and need to get my act together, I don't know.

posted by bigyellowtaxi to Human Relations (12 answers total)

When I've faced simultaneous career milestones and personal crises, I felt disloyal when working, even if I'd already done everything possible to help the crisis. I'd think, "Why am I studying / attending a boring meeting when my loved one is in trouble? What kind of robot am I?"

My solution was to allocate time each day to making progress on the personal crisis. This could involve researching health info or giving support to other relatives.

For example, you could spend 2 hours per day remotely helping your relatives and making videos to cheer up your grandparents. This might free up your mind the rest of the time to devote to work.
posted by cheesecake at 10:39 AM on April 13, 2021 [1 favorite]

Under similar-ish circumstances, I went to student health services and got a lorazepam prescription for the remaining few weeks of the semester. I don't mean that at all flippantly: it knocked the overwhelm far enough down that I could complete finals in several high-level technical courses, including a couple of essays, and generally be able to function on a physical level while I still had to.
posted by teremala at 10:44 AM on April 13, 2021 [5 favorites]

Are you absolutely sure that you can't change one or all of the essay deadlines? It's hard to give you solid advice without knowing your field of study or location, but at many universities the situation you describe should qualify you to get an extension on the deadlines or take an incomplete in a course and then make up the work without having to graduate a full year later. And I cannot think of a reason that a masters program would be unable to grant an extension of a few weeks under the circumstances. Have you explored every available avenue to get an extension (ombudsperson, student wellness, dean of students, etc.)? If it doesn't add too much to your stress level, it might be worth exploring.
posted by googly at 10:46 AM on April 13, 2021 [2 favorites]

Yes, as googly suggested, it may be worth contacting someone like the Dean of Students to ask for support in looking at options for taking an incomplete on your classes. At my university, there is a little bit of wiggle room for final grades to post after the regular grade deadline and still have a spring graduation date, or if it's past that wiggle space then it'd just move the graduation date to our summer term. Of course, it depends on your campus's policies and terms, but there might be more flexibility for extra time.
posted by past unusual at 10:56 AM on April 13, 2021

To add to that, if it's not possible due to the structure of your program... Take some time and let yourself feel the pain, reach out to family or whomever is your support network, and do what you need to get past some of the initial shock. You're a human and this is a huge and horrible thing to try to process, so it's not at all surprising that you can't bring your A-game to writing an essay.

Once you've taken a bit of time, come back to the things you need to do and try to prioritize what you need to accomplish and really think about what the minimum level of quality is that you need to do in order to jump through these hoops. It sounds like you're someone who is diligent and wants to do things correctly, but sometimes in grad school it's just a matter of getting it done. Are there any pieces that you can drop or not complete and it won't get in the way of your finishing? If so, feel free to let the professor know why, but don't feel like you have to do everything, and what you do doesn't have to be to your usual standards.

Then break out your time so you have time to focus on your family and yourself and also block out time to work on what you have to do for grad school. You may want to plan for some extra work time in case you have a particularly rough day--sometimes the stress of recognizing that you're not getting something done when it's the only time you have to work on it is what makes it difficult to work. And then, as best you can, try to set aside your larger thinking during these work times. It's kind of like meditating in that when you feel the feelings of sadness and worry, try to set it aside and reassure yourself that you will be able to be in that once your working window has passed.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
posted by past unusual at 11:08 AM on April 13, 2021 [2 favorites]

Another suggestion is to find someone that you can talk to and cry with - a safe place to let out all of the feelings that you are having right now. If there is a counseling center on campus, that could be one place. If you have friends (not family - they are already doing with enough), consider if some of the your friends might be open to hearing more of what you are going through than you might normally. Finally, keep a journal can be another way to let out some of the intense feelings that are happening right now. It's like opening the vent on a pressure cooker - if the feelings have a way to get out, they won't build up quite as intensely on the inside and allow you more space to think about other things.
posted by metahawk at 11:33 AM on April 13, 2021

Who told you that you cannot change essay deadlines? If it's someone other than the professor teaching the class, ask them directly. Surprising things can become possible when a professor makes a phone call. If it *is* the professor teaching the class, the only option I know of is to move to a higher level and hope for the best. Around here, that would usually mean the department chair, followed by the division dean. (Or the department vice-chair of academic something or other, if there is one.) Your school may be very different. The department secretary will know who the right person to ask is. It may also make those professors an enemy for life, so escalate with appropriate caution.

Everyone in our department spends a silly amount of time telling each other to be unreasonably accommodating to all student requests this year. I'm astonished at the response you've gotten. If all else fails, crashing for a year or two and starting over is very possible, even if it's unfair and frustrating. Sympathy and best wishes.
posted by eotvos at 11:55 AM on April 13, 2021 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: Just to add: it was admin who said I couldn’t change deadlines because of something called the final school deadline and it’s non negotiable, whatever the case. Literally have no words considering we are in the middle of a pandemic.

Thank you for all the responses, going to read through them slowly now.
posted by bigyellowtaxi at 12:24 PM on April 13, 2021

Go to the health center or your medical provider and get some anti anxiety meds. The inability to change deadlines may be something that is fairly set in stone, though you can share what's happening directly with your professors so that they have context for your current state. It might not be the worst thing for you to have a lot of work in front of you. During very stressful times, it's good to have a major distraction, especially considering that there's nothing you can do about the health situation of your family. Your family is able to access medical care and the treatments for COVID have vastly improved since we started this a year ago. Even if you were able to travel back, there's nothing you could do to improve the situation. Hospitals are still not allowing visitors and unnecessarily seeing family members who are treating at home is also not recommended. Any fantasy about going home and somehow being able to help is magical thinking.

Practically, besides getting on a good schedule of eating well, getting enough sleep, and being active for a bit of every day, I think you could try to focus on the fact that your grandparents especially would not want you to derail your education for a year out of worry for them. Your job is to take care of yourself and find a way to complete these essays and go forward with your program. These essays don't need to be the best things you've ever written, they need to be adequate for you to move forward in the program. Set up some time with friends, either virtually or safely in person and lean on them for support. I'm sorry that this is happening and it probably seems overwhelming, but try your best to just get started before you feel inspired to and then do your best to just keep going, step by step.
posted by quince at 1:01 PM on April 13, 2021 [1 favorite]

Another person here who works in postsecondary. Most hard deadlines can be extended when someone is in your situation. If by admin you mean administrative assistant, please talk to someone like a dean--the dean in charge of your program, or dean of graduate studies, or dean of student services. It is highly likely someone will be able to help you out. COVID times actually made my institution loosen some of the rules around deadline extensions (as is right).

I am really sorry you are going through this. You are not being unreasonable. I am on the other side of the desk and not only have I supported students through this type of situation, I also remember going through a similar situation that did end in loss, and I was knocked out with grief. I literally could not do my job for a while and it hammered home how hard it is to keep doing normal work when you are in crisis like this.

For me, I was lucky to have a good dean and colleagues at the time who arranged coverage and supported me. My wish for you is that you find similar support at the dean level (and that your family pulls through, of course).
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:55 PM on April 13, 2021 [3 favorites]

You're not overreacting.

Self care is extremely important in such times. It's when I least feel like I have the time to go for a walk that I need it most.

Exercise (go get some fresh air), breathing exercises and/or meditation may help. Here's a handful of 6-minute ones.
posted by aniola at 2:06 PM on April 13, 2021

During my life, in times of high stress I made a mental “twist” and looked to my work to relieve my stress instead of adding to it. I used work as an escape, “oh good, I can focus on work for the next three hours and not have to think about stressful event.” I know this won’t work for everyone, but compartmentalizing actually can be a positive tool and has really helped me many times. Using a timer could help make the transition, starting with just small increments and extending as you get more proficient. Try to look at your work as a reprieve and an escape.
posted by raisingsand at 4:01 PM on April 15, 2021