How to handle my toxic family members death as a recovering codependent
December 16, 2020 10:21 AM Subscribe
My grandmother recently passed away. She was the remaining matriarch of an ultra toxic family system, that started with her and my grandfather, and has traveled through that entire family, sparing some, but affecting everyone. My mother perhaps worst of all. So toxic, that when I recognized my own codependency issues after my divorce a few years ago, I removed myself completely from family functions. I see my mom, but that is my only connection to that extended family currently. I have chosen not to see them as they constantly violate my boundaries and only seem capable of toxic interaction. (I have had more than a few verbal encounters with one aunt in particular). Now they are having a service for my grandmother this weekend... when the hospitals are full (so full I just had a friend die today in an ER waiting room trying to get medical attention) and covid numbers are at an all time high. I’ve already canceled hosting Christmas that is usually my favorite event of the year because of this. My mother is returning to old ways and attempting to guilt me into attending by telling me how poorly I will be talked about if not, and pushing at all of my delicately placed boundaries.
My relationship with my mother is tenuous at best to begin with. Therapy and dealing with my codependency on my own gave me a lot of revelations about our relationship, and how her role as a parent affects me. It is clear that the toxic family of which I speak is the cause of a lot of this emotional immaturity, but when your Mom tells you that she can’t be there for you in any capacity while you are processing your divorce because it makes HER too sad, it’s hard not to take a bit of this behavior personally.
My mother is now using the opportunity of my grandmothers passing, to push at clear boundaries that I have set with not just her, but with my extended family. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with a gathering in the middle of a pandemic, and she unleashed a guilt parade. So when I said I would attend if it were only family, she tasked me with getting my unreliable brother to show, AND to make sure that he shows in attire that the family deems appropriate. My mother isn’t working right now and has access to my brothers information, but this is somehow my responsibility.
All of this pushing at my boundaries, combined with the eminence of seeing toxic family that I cut out of my life for a reason on top of it all is really triggering me in a way I haven’t been triggered in a long time. Hive mind- could you help with some advice on how I can reinforce my boundaries with grace and without being insensitive during a difficult time for others? I am new to boundaries and still struggle to make myself set them even when in a simple situation, I feel too fresh to have all this thrown at me and process it properly without hurting someone’s feelings
My relationship with my mother is tenuous at best to begin with. Therapy and dealing with my codependency on my own gave me a lot of revelations about our relationship, and how her role as a parent affects me. It is clear that the toxic family of which I speak is the cause of a lot of this emotional immaturity, but when your Mom tells you that she can’t be there for you in any capacity while you are processing your divorce because it makes HER too sad, it’s hard not to take a bit of this behavior personally.
My mother is now using the opportunity of my grandmothers passing, to push at clear boundaries that I have set with not just her, but with my extended family. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with a gathering in the middle of a pandemic, and she unleashed a guilt parade. So when I said I would attend if it were only family, she tasked me with getting my unreliable brother to show, AND to make sure that he shows in attire that the family deems appropriate. My mother isn’t working right now and has access to my brothers information, but this is somehow my responsibility.
All of this pushing at my boundaries, combined with the eminence of seeing toxic family that I cut out of my life for a reason on top of it all is really triggering me in a way I haven’t been triggered in a long time. Hive mind- could you help with some advice on how I can reinforce my boundaries with grace and without being insensitive during a difficult time for others? I am new to boundaries and still struggle to make myself set them even when in a simple situation, I feel too fresh to have all this thrown at me and process it properly without hurting someone’s feelings
All of the grace and sensitivity you're looking for? Direct it at yourself. Quincy deserves grace for the struggles they are going through right now. Quincy deserves to be treated with sensitivity. Step one of that has to be disengaging from this toxicity even further than you already have. Maybe it's just a single action: an email to your mom to say, "I won't be attending the funeral, nor contacting Brother. I'm sorry for your loss." Or something of the like. Do that to give yourself the breathing room you need right now -- literally and figuratively -- to move forward in disengagement.
The only feelings you have to be concerned about hurting right now are your own.
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:31 AM on December 16, 2020 [41 favorites]
The only feelings you have to be concerned about hurting right now are your own.
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:31 AM on December 16, 2020 [41 favorites]
This might not work for you but I would add on to the above advice to offer mom in writing a list of topics that the family could use to talk poorly about me since she seems hell bent on making that part happen. I'm sorry you have a shitty family but you have zero to feel guilty about. You didn't cause your grandmother's death.
posted by archimago at 10:34 AM on December 16, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by archimago at 10:34 AM on December 16, 2020 [7 favorites]
Hive mind- could you help with some advice on how I can reinforce my boundaries with grace and without being insensitive during a difficult time for others?
"I'm so sorry, but after thinking it through, I'm not able to attend or contact my brother. I will be thinking of you, mom."
That's it. The thing about boundaries is that they are ultimately for us, and for us to enforce. Where you are making a mistake in your thinking is this part: and process it properly without hurting someone’s feelings.
Boundaries are there precisely to reflect that we don't manage other people's feelings. Your boundary is for you. It is about your feelings. That is okay! That's what it's for! Your mom's feelings are definitely going to be hurt, angry, frustrated...for a few reasons. She wants you there. She wants you to behave. She is possibly, underneath, angry that you are able to step out of the toxicity she was not able to. She is grieving. Lots of things. But your boundary is "I love you, but I'm not going."
That is okay.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:38 AM on December 16, 2020 [69 favorites]
"I'm so sorry, but after thinking it through, I'm not able to attend or contact my brother. I will be thinking of you, mom."
That's it. The thing about boundaries is that they are ultimately for us, and for us to enforce. Where you are making a mistake in your thinking is this part: and process it properly without hurting someone’s feelings.
Boundaries are there precisely to reflect that we don't manage other people's feelings. Your boundary is for you. It is about your feelings. That is okay! That's what it's for! Your mom's feelings are definitely going to be hurt, angry, frustrated...for a few reasons. She wants you there. She wants you to behave. She is possibly, underneath, angry that you are able to step out of the toxicity she was not able to. She is grieving. Lots of things. But your boundary is "I love you, but I'm not going."
That is okay.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:38 AM on December 16, 2020 [69 favorites]
"So when I said I would attend if it were only family, she tasked me with getting my unreliable brother to show, AND to make sure that he shows in attire that the family deems appropriate."
This is such a transparent, telling tactic, and you should walk away from it. These are not relationships you want to be a part of your life, family or not. There could not be a clearer signal that these aren't people willing to listen or try to understand, much less put any effort into changing for the better.
You don't need to reinforce your boundaries here, you need to end these relationships.
posted by mhoye at 11:07 AM on December 16, 2020 [11 favorites]
This is such a transparent, telling tactic, and you should walk away from it. These are not relationships you want to be a part of your life, family or not. There could not be a clearer signal that these aren't people willing to listen or try to understand, much less put any effort into changing for the better.
You don't need to reinforce your boundaries here, you need to end these relationships.
posted by mhoye at 11:07 AM on December 16, 2020 [11 favorites]
The biggest challenge in setting and keeping boundaries is not letting yourself get dragged into a debate about why you set them or whether or not they are reasonable. These are your boundaries and you don't have to justify them to anyone.
So you need to prepare yourself for the inevitable pushback you will get and are getting from you mother about why you can't just bend your rules this one little time. Do not try to get your mother to understand your boundaries. Don't even try to get your mother to accept them. That's a fool's errand.
As others have suggested some version of "That's not possible" needs to be your mantra. Again, don't add in a justification (like that's not possible because of COVID) that will only invite debate over your rationale. You can add in empathy. "I'm thinking of you. I'm happy to talk with you after the service, but it's not possible for me to be there."
Finally, I think journaling can be very helpful in this situation. Write the note/email/letter saying everything you'd like to say to your mother about her manipulative behavior. Get it off your chest and out of your head, then delete/burn/trash.
posted by brookeb at 11:07 AM on December 16, 2020 [7 favorites]
So you need to prepare yourself for the inevitable pushback you will get and are getting from you mother about why you can't just bend your rules this one little time. Do not try to get your mother to understand your boundaries. Don't even try to get your mother to accept them. That's a fool's errand.
As others have suggested some version of "That's not possible" needs to be your mantra. Again, don't add in a justification (like that's not possible because of COVID) that will only invite debate over your rationale. You can add in empathy. "I'm thinking of you. I'm happy to talk with you after the service, but it's not possible for me to be there."
Finally, I think journaling can be very helpful in this situation. Write the note/email/letter saying everything you'd like to say to your mother about her manipulative behavior. Get it off your chest and out of your head, then delete/burn/trash.
posted by brookeb at 11:07 AM on December 16, 2020 [7 favorites]
Hive mind- could you help with some advice on how I can reinforce my boundaries with grace and without being insensitive during a difficult time for others?
I like what warriorqueen said.
I think of sensitivity in part as thinking about how what you do / don't do affects others. Are you doing anything to be insensitive, or failing to do something you should do? No.
Now, your mom or family members can claim that your absence affects them in some way, but that's really not right. They're making demands of your presence, of your time, and of your emotional labor. They want something from you that you are not interested in providing.
They are not being sensitive about your boundaries. You do not owe them your presence. They can have a service for this family member without you there and their relationship with her is theirs alone.
Set the boundary (I'm not going) and close off any further discussion. Any hurt feelings based on refusing to go or refusing to discuss it further are not your fault and not your problem.
posted by jzb at 11:14 AM on December 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
I like what warriorqueen said.
I think of sensitivity in part as thinking about how what you do / don't do affects others. Are you doing anything to be insensitive, or failing to do something you should do? No.
Now, your mom or family members can claim that your absence affects them in some way, but that's really not right. They're making demands of your presence, of your time, and of your emotional labor. They want something from you that you are not interested in providing.
They are not being sensitive about your boundaries. You do not owe them your presence. They can have a service for this family member without you there and their relationship with her is theirs alone.
Set the boundary (I'm not going) and close off any further discussion. Any hurt feelings based on refusing to go or refusing to discuss it further are not your fault and not your problem.
posted by jzb at 11:14 AM on December 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
To quote Melody Beattie: "You can not simultaneously set a boundary and take care of someone's feelings." Make setting your boundaries the priority for the sake of your own emotional well being and really, forget about everything else.
posted by purplesludge at 11:20 AM on December 16, 2020 [19 favorites]
posted by purplesludge at 11:20 AM on December 16, 2020 [19 favorites]
no. you do not need to go to this. you even now have the great excuse of covid for not going! honor/celebrate/mourn your grandmother in your own way, if you choose to. you don't need to be a jerk to your family, but just reinforce with "i am not comfortable attending a service during a pandemic. thank you for respecting my choice."
posted by misanthropicsarah at 11:34 AM on December 16, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by misanthropicsarah at 11:34 AM on December 16, 2020 [6 favorites]
I'm going to guess your mother knows "everyone will talk about you" is a button of yours she can push. That you want to be liked. That you can be manipulated by telling you that you have the power to fix other people's feelings.
The most graceful and sensitive way to enforce a boundary is to do so simply and resolutely without offering loopholes or "opportunities" to do the right thing. No ifs, no explanations, no little rough edge for them to get their fingers into. Don't try to score points, don't try to win it, don't try to modify their behavior. Just "I won't be doing this."
That leaves them a very clear simple binary choice: like your decision, or dislike it.
Let them get on with being mad, that's mostly what they want anyway! They either want the success of manipulating you or the pleasure of shitting on you, and the entire system is already toxic so just let them! It can't really make anything worse at this point! They'll enjoy it, you won't have to participate, it's a sucky game to win but it is indeed win-win.
And maybe most importantly, this game is less and less fun for them if you don't play. Grey rock, if you're not prepared to go no-contact. If you stop being a rich mine of drama for them (which is not to say your feelings don't matter and you shouldn't process them with appropriate people, but never ever ever with that set of people), they will eventually stop trying to drill at all.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:40 AM on December 16, 2020 [5 favorites]
The most graceful and sensitive way to enforce a boundary is to do so simply and resolutely without offering loopholes or "opportunities" to do the right thing. No ifs, no explanations, no little rough edge for them to get their fingers into. Don't try to score points, don't try to win it, don't try to modify their behavior. Just "I won't be doing this."
That leaves them a very clear simple binary choice: like your decision, or dislike it.
Let them get on with being mad, that's mostly what they want anyway! They either want the success of manipulating you or the pleasure of shitting on you, and the entire system is already toxic so just let them! It can't really make anything worse at this point! They'll enjoy it, you won't have to participate, it's a sucky game to win but it is indeed win-win.
And maybe most importantly, this game is less and less fun for them if you don't play. Grey rock, if you're not prepared to go no-contact. If you stop being a rich mine of drama for them (which is not to say your feelings don't matter and you shouldn't process them with appropriate people, but never ever ever with that set of people), they will eventually stop trying to drill at all.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:40 AM on December 16, 2020 [5 favorites]
Yes, they will talk trash about your not going. But they're already bashing you for avoiding them. If you do go, they'll talk about you negatively anyway...what you wear, whether you seem sad enough, that you act like you're better than they are. Your mother will still criticize you because you took to long to decide to go.
Your being there isn't going to bring joy or relief to anyone there. Ask yourself...Why the hell would I want to do that? You probably do have a reason, maybe to avoid conflict with your mother. The weigh that with what you can reasonably expect.
When every option is bad in some way, it helps me to ask, "Which way do I want to be wrong? Which bad outcome do I prefer?" Treat yourself with the respect and kindness you'll never get from your family.
posted by wryly at 11:41 AM on December 16, 2020 [6 favorites]
Your being there isn't going to bring joy or relief to anyone there. Ask yourself...Why the hell would I want to do that? You probably do have a reason, maybe to avoid conflict with your mother. The weigh that with what you can reasonably expect.
When every option is bad in some way, it helps me to ask, "Which way do I want to be wrong? Which bad outcome do I prefer?" Treat yourself with the respect and kindness you'll never get from your family.
posted by wryly at 11:41 AM on December 16, 2020 [6 favorites]
You don't describe your relationship with your brother, but I submit that if you want it to thrive, now or in the indefinite future, you'll avoid carrying the water for your mother and other members of your family. His relationships with them, his feelings about attending the ceremony, and his decisions about what to wear should he choose to go are his to make alone. You'll be helping him establish whatever boundaries he needs with your mom and the others by staying out of it.
posted by carmicha at 11:52 AM on December 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by carmicha at 11:52 AM on December 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
I have a mom who's not great with boundaries, and she had a mom who was not great with boundaries. My grandmother died before the pandemic, and even though I adored her and was devastated, I'm relieved not to have to navigate a similar situation your mom has so unfairly put you in.
If it were my mom, here's what I think I'd say: "Mom, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know this must be such a difficult time for you. I so wish I could be there, but I can't."
No explanation. Nothing to argue with. The ONLY reason to add anything before the "but" is because it's what I would say to literally anyone going through the loss of a parent. If it weren't something THAT important—and I do think it's OK to acknowledge that it is important, and it does suck not to be able to go to your grandmother's funeral, even if it might have been almost just as fraught if it hadn't happened during the pandemic, the fact is it DID happen during the pandemic, and that is legitimately hard for both you and her—I would (and have, with both my mom and others, in the past few months) simply not respond to the request at all.
No one should have to explain why they aren't traveling or attending large events right now. No one should have to explain why they are opting out of seeing abusive family, ever. On top of all that, explaining only makes things worse in relationships with poor boundaries. Therefore I triply recommend not explaining.
posted by lampoil at 12:06 PM on December 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
If it were my mom, here's what I think I'd say: "Mom, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know this must be such a difficult time for you. I so wish I could be there, but I can't."
No explanation. Nothing to argue with. The ONLY reason to add anything before the "but" is because it's what I would say to literally anyone going through the loss of a parent. If it weren't something THAT important—and I do think it's OK to acknowledge that it is important, and it does suck not to be able to go to your grandmother's funeral, even if it might have been almost just as fraught if it hadn't happened during the pandemic, the fact is it DID happen during the pandemic, and that is legitimately hard for both you and her—I would (and have, with both my mom and others, in the past few months) simply not respond to the request at all.
No one should have to explain why they aren't traveling or attending large events right now. No one should have to explain why they are opting out of seeing abusive family, ever. On top of all that, explaining only makes things worse in relationships with poor boundaries. Therefore I triply recommend not explaining.
posted by lampoil at 12:06 PM on December 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
If your family were wonderful and your grandmother your dearest friend I would tell you not to go: COVID. You are correct not to go. Warriorqueen gave you the sum total of words to say about it.
posted by shadygrove at 12:08 PM on December 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 12:08 PM on December 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I cannot thank you all enough for helping me realize what I need to do, and maybe recognize that I have some work to do yet on overcoming my boundaries and processing this toxic family of mine.... regardless of the extenuating circumstances.
posted by Quincy at 12:16 PM on December 16, 2020 [18 favorites]
posted by Quincy at 12:16 PM on December 16, 2020 [18 favorites]
Every time she asks and tries to guilt you into going I would send an article on someone who has died from Covid. People are going to be mad at you for not coming. Here’s an article on a mother of 4 who passed away due to Covid. You’re not a good grandchild if you don’t come. Here’s the story of 7 grandparents who died of Covid because some employee of the skilled nursing facility went to a wedding.
posted by teamnap at 12:25 PM on December 16, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by teamnap at 12:25 PM on December 16, 2020 [3 favorites]
In this scenario it's completely acceptable to throw a sickie at the last minute and have a fictitious cough.
posted by quacks like a duck at 1:22 PM on December 16, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by quacks like a duck at 1:22 PM on December 16, 2020 [5 favorites]
(so full I just had a friend die today in an ER waiting room trying to get medical attention)
Jesus christ. Not only are you dealing with this family clusterfuck, you are dealing with that. I'm so sorry.
I hope you can take some of the great advice in this thread and take care of yourself.
Also, I would warn you from experience with a situation very, very similar to yours, you may have some weird feelings crop up from now on now that the primary instigator of the toxic family is gone. I think I somehow expected the toxicity to no longer have an effect, but that's not what happened. It's been a couple of years now and I still have issues with that side of the family and my own issues about it.
I wish you above all PEACE.
posted by fiercecupcake at 1:24 PM on December 16, 2020 [8 favorites]
Jesus christ. Not only are you dealing with this family clusterfuck, you are dealing with that. I'm so sorry.
I hope you can take some of the great advice in this thread and take care of yourself.
Also, I would warn you from experience with a situation very, very similar to yours, you may have some weird feelings crop up from now on now that the primary instigator of the toxic family is gone. I think I somehow expected the toxicity to no longer have an effect, but that's not what happened. It's been a couple of years now and I still have issues with that side of the family and my own issues about it.
I wish you above all PEACE.
posted by fiercecupcake at 1:24 PM on December 16, 2020 [8 favorites]
I used to sometimes be cheery and say No repeatedly.
Event will have too many people present. Sorry, can't attend. No. Won't be there. Will miss you all, but can't attend.
Not hosting Christmas. People will say bad things? Bummer, but I guess they'll be amused. Not doing it. It's a bad idea and I will not be hosting Christmas. So sad. Still. No.
It takes time for people to learn to hear you when you start saying No and having boundaries.You're doing so well. We've got your back, in a metaphorical sense.
posted by theora55 at 3:25 PM on December 16, 2020 [3 favorites]
Event will have too many people present. Sorry, can't attend. No. Won't be there. Will miss you all, but can't attend.
Not hosting Christmas. People will say bad things? Bummer, but I guess they'll be amused. Not doing it. It's a bad idea and I will not be hosting Christmas. So sad. Still. No.
It takes time for people to learn to hear you when you start saying No and having boundaries.You're doing so well. We've got your back, in a metaphorical sense.
posted by theora55 at 3:25 PM on December 16, 2020 [3 favorites]
"Mom, I'm sorry for your loss. But let's be clear about this ... you need me a lot more than I need you, and in all probability you are going to need me (as an elderly dying person) and even if I needed you, you would probably only add to my grief. So thinking of yourself, as you always have, I'd advise you to back way the fuck off, because while I'm sympathetic to your damage, I'm not playing your toxic little game anymore. Choose wisely. Or don't. It's not my problem."
posted by cyndigo at 3:30 PM on December 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by cyndigo at 3:30 PM on December 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother and your friend. The most reasonable thing to do, to avoid anyone else joining their number, is not to go this weekend. Your family may not get it, but they don't have to for you to do the right thing. Stay steadfast in your commitment to staying safe and keeping others safe while bolstering your own boundaries.
posted by limeonaire at 4:41 PM on December 16, 2020
posted by limeonaire at 4:41 PM on December 16, 2020
I think you are going to be okay and I am so sorry this is all happening to you. It's worth remembering that each time you say "OK if I just give in to this one thing maybe now it will calm down...." it won't. My mom was like this, super manipulative to make things go her way and we'd give in thinking next time we could say "Well I gave in LAST time" and not have to give in and that isn't how it worked. You've got a lot going on. COVID is also a lot. Boundaries are hard and your mom is mean. You said OK and now you feel like you can't take it back. I am here to tell you YOU CAN TAKE THAT BACK. "Hey Mom I was wrong about being able to do this. I can't do this and I definitely can't get my brother to do this. I hope it goes okay."
If it helps you with your own compassionate angle just remember that people who are grieving are often at their worst and this means people with personality challenged can get even more... like that. So you can maybe give her a pass that she's being awful but that doesn't mean you have to do that she wants.
I am sorry, this is hard, I think you will be okay.
posted by jessamyn at 5:05 PM on December 16, 2020 [8 favorites]
If it helps you with your own compassionate angle just remember that people who are grieving are often at their worst and this means people with personality challenged can get even more... like that. So you can maybe give her a pass that she's being awful but that doesn't mean you have to do that she wants.
I am sorry, this is hard, I think you will be okay.
posted by jessamyn at 5:05 PM on December 16, 2020 [8 favorites]
First: “I made a rule for myself that I would stay safe and avoid gatherings. It won’t be possible to attend.”
Then: “It won’t be possible to attend.”
Or; any of the scripts above. Whatever you use, just repeat it once per conversation and end the convo if she pushes you. Use the same wording, so she might feel less inclined to try and hook you somehow.
Be careful of her in the future if she doesn’t care about your safety in the middle of a pandemic.
Also, I’m sorry you are going through this.
posted by SillyShepherd at 5:06 PM on December 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
Then: “It won’t be possible to attend.”
Or; any of the scripts above. Whatever you use, just repeat it once per conversation and end the convo if she pushes you. Use the same wording, so she might feel less inclined to try and hook you somehow.
Be careful of her in the future if she doesn’t care about your safety in the middle of a pandemic.
Also, I’m sorry you are going through this.
posted by SillyShepherd at 5:06 PM on December 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
I told her I wasn’t comfortable with a gathering in the middle of a pandemic, and she unleashed a guilt parade. So when I said I would attend if it were only family, she tasked me with getting my unreliable brother to show, AND to make sure that he shows in attire that the family deems appropriate. ... Hive mind- could you help with some advice on how I can reinforce my boundaries with grace and without being insensitive during a difficult time for others?
I mean this very gently. You already have shown that your boundaries aren't firm, as when she gave you a guilt trip, you changed your mind. So, without meaning to, you rewarded her behavior. You have communicated to her that if she badgers you enough, you will do what she wants.
I'm going to suggest there are a few ways to have these strong boundaries: one, know what they are, to yourself, and then end any conversation about them after you express them if she pushes back. Don't change them. But, more importantly, I think you need to not worry about this: "without being insensitive during a difficult time for others." I don't think there's a way to protect their feelings while managing your own boundaries, and I don't think that can be a priority now. Their feelings aren't your responsibility.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:49 PM on December 16, 2020 [5 favorites]
I mean this very gently. You already have shown that your boundaries aren't firm, as when she gave you a guilt trip, you changed your mind. So, without meaning to, you rewarded her behavior. You have communicated to her that if she badgers you enough, you will do what she wants.
I'm going to suggest there are a few ways to have these strong boundaries: one, know what they are, to yourself, and then end any conversation about them after you express them if she pushes back. Don't change them. But, more importantly, I think you need to not worry about this: "without being insensitive during a difficult time for others." I don't think there's a way to protect their feelings while managing your own boundaries, and I don't think that can be a priority now. Their feelings aren't your responsibility.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:49 PM on December 16, 2020 [5 favorites]
In this scenario it's completely acceptable to throw a sickie at the last minute and have a fictitious cough.
I came here to say this. In my world, it's known as the "diplomatic flu."
There's lots of good advice here about recognizing that your boundaries are for you, that you are never going to please your mom or the rest of the family in this situation, and about the need to accept that it really is that simple but that they will probably never understand.
Still, at the end of the day, if copping a sickie makes them lay off you in a way that makes this a teeny bit easier for you, it's more than okay to do that. You're dealing with both the death of your grandmother and your friend, in the middle of a pandemic. Be kind to yourself and let your mom take care of her own feelings.
posted by rpfields at 8:33 PM on December 16, 2020 [6 favorites]
I came here to say this. In my world, it's known as the "diplomatic flu."
There's lots of good advice here about recognizing that your boundaries are for you, that you are never going to please your mom or the rest of the family in this situation, and about the need to accept that it really is that simple but that they will probably never understand.
Still, at the end of the day, if copping a sickie makes them lay off you in a way that makes this a teeny bit easier for you, it's more than okay to do that. You're dealing with both the death of your grandmother and your friend, in the middle of a pandemic. Be kind to yourself and let your mom take care of her own feelings.
posted by rpfields at 8:33 PM on December 16, 2020 [6 favorites]
You have communicated to her that if she badgers you enough, you will do what she wants.
Yes. And the way to retrieve this is to show to her that starting from now, every time she badgers you enough to agree to do what she wants, you'll flake on her at the last minute.
No contract you were coerced into signing is morally binding.
posted by flabdablet at 10:52 PM on December 16, 2020 [10 favorites]
Yes. And the way to retrieve this is to show to her that starting from now, every time she badgers you enough to agree to do what she wants, you'll flake on her at the last minute.
No contract you were coerced into signing is morally binding.
posted by flabdablet at 10:52 PM on December 16, 2020 [10 favorites]
I hope you've had some more resolution on this, but I keep thinking about this part: telling me how poorly I will be talked about if not
If it helps you at all, it struck me how clearly this demonstrates that you don't owe her anything. It would have been manipulative, but more benign/understandable for her to say: if you don't come we'll miss you. It won't be the same without you. We won't be able to support each other. Seeing you would be a nice thing in a bad time.
Instead, she seems to have gone for: 'If you don't come, everyone will talk trash about you.'
It's horrid and sad that all she and the family have to offer is a threat. Really keeping my fingers crossed that you can feel at ease with not attending.
posted by Socksmith at 2:45 AM on December 21, 2020 [3 favorites]
If it helps you at all, it struck me how clearly this demonstrates that you don't owe her anything. It would have been manipulative, but more benign/understandable for her to say: if you don't come we'll miss you. It won't be the same without you. We won't be able to support each other. Seeing you would be a nice thing in a bad time.
Instead, she seems to have gone for: 'If you don't come, everyone will talk trash about you.'
It's horrid and sad that all she and the family have to offer is a threat. Really keeping my fingers crossed that you can feel at ease with not attending.
posted by Socksmith at 2:45 AM on December 21, 2020 [3 favorites]
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"That won't be possible, thanks for inviting me" on repeat is what you need here in your toolkit. Rinse and repeat. Not possible. Thanks for inviting me. Not possible.
posted by juniperesque at 10:30 AM on December 16, 2020 [65 favorites]