I love humour and silliness but don't use them enough
August 4, 2020 4:39 AM Subscribe
I'd like like stop being serious/sincere/vulnerable with the whole world, and start building more relationships with that funny light sort of chemistry. I just don't know how to get there.
I'm realising I'd only like to show my vulnerable, tender core to the people who deserve to see it, and since I do absolutely love humour, I think the best way to interact with the rest of the world is through light, friendly but also protective humour. I've just never developed this skill -- is it too late to start in your 30s? Ha!
The only person I'm silly and funny with is the ex I've known since I was 17. And we share a very specific sort of humour.
I'm thinking the best way is LOTS of exposure. Recently I've enjoyed Hannah Gadsby and Catherine Deveny. So maybe I should look for more Australian humour? I also had the idea of a humour journal. How do I begin to actually use humour in social situations though?
All ideas/recommendations welcome!
I'm realising I'd only like to show my vulnerable, tender core to the people who deserve to see it, and since I do absolutely love humour, I think the best way to interact with the rest of the world is through light, friendly but also protective humour. I've just never developed this skill -- is it too late to start in your 30s? Ha!
The only person I'm silly and funny with is the ex I've known since I was 17. And we share a very specific sort of humour.
I'm thinking the best way is LOTS of exposure. Recently I've enjoyed Hannah Gadsby and Catherine Deveny. So maybe I should look for more Australian humour? I also had the idea of a humour journal. How do I begin to actually use humour in social situations though?
All ideas/recommendations welcome!
Are you kind of introverted? Do you think about things before you say them? There's your problem! (HA!)
See, that thing I just typed could be construed as slightly offensive. Almost all humor is that way. So kind-hearted people who absolutely don't want to hurt anyone don't use it as much.
But, fortunately, for most people, a light-hearted joke at the VERY slight expense of MAYBE someone somewhere is totally worth the cost. So my two cents is that, in order to use humor regularly, an introvert type would have to blurt out things as they come a bit more than they're used to, without worrying about how it's going to come off.
That means, don't worry about offending people (there's obviously a pretty low limit here, but in this question, you really don't seem like the type to abuse this), and don't worry about whether the thing you're saying is actually funny. Just go for it! If you laugh and have fun, other people will almost always laugh and have fun, even if the joke wouldn't make it in the writer's room at SNL.
posted by nosila at 5:38 AM on August 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
See, that thing I just typed could be construed as slightly offensive. Almost all humor is that way. So kind-hearted people who absolutely don't want to hurt anyone don't use it as much.
But, fortunately, for most people, a light-hearted joke at the VERY slight expense of MAYBE someone somewhere is totally worth the cost. So my two cents is that, in order to use humor regularly, an introvert type would have to blurt out things as they come a bit more than they're used to, without worrying about how it's going to come off.
That means, don't worry about offending people (there's obviously a pretty low limit here, but in this question, you really don't seem like the type to abuse this), and don't worry about whether the thing you're saying is actually funny. Just go for it! If you laugh and have fun, other people will almost always laugh and have fun, even if the joke wouldn't make it in the writer's room at SNL.
posted by nosila at 5:38 AM on August 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
Wit is often at the expense of someone, so if that's what holding you back, you might want to aim more for "goofy/droll/absurdist" rather than witty.
Another option is self-depreciating humour. Avoid the risk of insulting someone else by making yourself the butt of the joke. But that can be tricky too. It either needs to be really, really funny, or come from a place of robust self-confidence, because otherwise slagging on yourself might be mistaken for lack of self-esteem/fishing for compliments.
It's true that jokes don't necessarily need to be SNL-ready to achieve the effect you desire (add levity to a situation, engage with people in light-hearted manner), as long as people can recognize the cadence of a joke, but especially with self-depreciating humour you really need a game audience. People who think you _should_ have low self esteem, will absolutely read it as low self esteem, no matter how funny you tried to be. Self-deprecating jokes can be a good way to make people feel at ease with you in a setting where your status is pretty secure, but some people try to use them to anticipate issues others might have with them ("you don't need to make that joke, because I already made it myself"), and I've never seen that work in real life.
That said, in my younger, less lazy years, when was still making more of an effort to be amusing, I did get some mileage out of anecdotes about my various mishaps. Lots of things that are mortifying and unpleasant in the moment can be fun stories later, when it turns out the consequences aren't quite as dire as feared and you more or less got away with it unscathed enough. There's an added benefit too - when something inconvenient/embarrassing is happening to me, I might sometimes successfully distract myself for a while, by thinking about how I might turn it into a funny story later - sometimes; more often however, I need to be safely out of hot waters to be able to do this. So my advice would be to mine your own past for that kind of story, try it out in various settings, experiment with what details to add or a leave out or exaggerate for effect.
posted by sohalt at 6:35 AM on August 4, 2020
Another option is self-depreciating humour. Avoid the risk of insulting someone else by making yourself the butt of the joke. But that can be tricky too. It either needs to be really, really funny, or come from a place of robust self-confidence, because otherwise slagging on yourself might be mistaken for lack of self-esteem/fishing for compliments.
It's true that jokes don't necessarily need to be SNL-ready to achieve the effect you desire (add levity to a situation, engage with people in light-hearted manner), as long as people can recognize the cadence of a joke, but especially with self-depreciating humour you really need a game audience. People who think you _should_ have low self esteem, will absolutely read it as low self esteem, no matter how funny you tried to be. Self-deprecating jokes can be a good way to make people feel at ease with you in a setting where your status is pretty secure, but some people try to use them to anticipate issues others might have with them ("you don't need to make that joke, because I already made it myself"), and I've never seen that work in real life.
That said, in my younger, less lazy years, when was still making more of an effort to be amusing, I did get some mileage out of anecdotes about my various mishaps. Lots of things that are mortifying and unpleasant in the moment can be fun stories later, when it turns out the consequences aren't quite as dire as feared and you more or less got away with it unscathed enough. There's an added benefit too - when something inconvenient/embarrassing is happening to me, I might sometimes successfully distract myself for a while, by thinking about how I might turn it into a funny story later - sometimes; more often however, I need to be safely out of hot waters to be able to do this. So my advice would be to mine your own past for that kind of story, try it out in various settings, experiment with what details to add or a leave out or exaggerate for effect.
posted by sohalt at 6:35 AM on August 4, 2020
When I was a kid, I noticed that people groaned when I made deliberate jokes -- but sometimes, random observations I made would get laughs. I started paying close attention to the kind of remarks that got the laughs.
Ultimately, I realized that comedy is just showing someone a view of the world from a slightly different angle. An observation that was completely in accordance with their views seemed commonplace. An observation from way out of left field made no sense. But in between was a sweet spot-- an observation that would give them a brief moment of confusion or surprise, followed by a sudden snap into "Aha! That makes perfect sense!" And that snap was what prompted laughter.
I had, in short, found my comic angle. Everybody has one. Amongst all the different ways you look at the world, there's at least one that's at juuuust different enough to prompt a moment of comic recognition.
Noticing what makes you laugh (as you've clearly done) is a great start! But it can't end there; you have to notice what makes other people laugh with you. The only way to do that is through experimentation. Any time you say something that prompts even faint amusement, make a mental note. As you refine your angle, the amusement will get much less faint. Humor is a skill and, as with any skill, the only way to get better is to keep trying.
Finally, contrary to popular belief, offensiveness is not essential to humor. Humor at the expense of somebody in the room is particularly hard to do well, and I would encourage you to stay away from it. I still remember a night in college when a classmate lectured me about how I'd never be a good humor writer because I was too nice. I went on to write for The Onion and an Emmy-winning comedy TV show. He went on to work in tech. He's much richer than I am... but trust me, I'm funnier!
posted by yankeefog at 6:47 AM on August 4, 2020 [14 favorites]
Ultimately, I realized that comedy is just showing someone a view of the world from a slightly different angle. An observation that was completely in accordance with their views seemed commonplace. An observation from way out of left field made no sense. But in between was a sweet spot-- an observation that would give them a brief moment of confusion or surprise, followed by a sudden snap into "Aha! That makes perfect sense!" And that snap was what prompted laughter.
I had, in short, found my comic angle. Everybody has one. Amongst all the different ways you look at the world, there's at least one that's at juuuust different enough to prompt a moment of comic recognition.
Noticing what makes you laugh (as you've clearly done) is a great start! But it can't end there; you have to notice what makes other people laugh with you. The only way to do that is through experimentation. Any time you say something that prompts even faint amusement, make a mental note. As you refine your angle, the amusement will get much less faint. Humor is a skill and, as with any skill, the only way to get better is to keep trying.
Finally, contrary to popular belief, offensiveness is not essential to humor. Humor at the expense of somebody in the room is particularly hard to do well, and I would encourage you to stay away from it. I still remember a night in college when a classmate lectured me about how I'd never be a good humor writer because I was too nice. I went on to write for The Onion and an Emmy-winning comedy TV show. He went on to work in tech. He's much richer than I am... but trust me, I'm funnier!
posted by yankeefog at 6:47 AM on August 4, 2020 [14 favorites]
I'm kind, earnest and vulnerable - and I love humor and make a lot of jokes. So I see your question as being about two different things: 1) finding and expressing the humor in life and 2) setting boundaries as far as what you reveal to whom.
Humor is a broad umbrella - jokes can be smart, silly, cruel, kind - they can reveal vulnerability or mask it. Goofiness can be joyful and child-like; sarcasm can cut to the bone. Improv as I learned it was about being authentic and real in the moment and not seeking out jokes - trying to set up your partner to get the punch line. It's fun and couldn't hurt but improv is not quite the same thing as "how to tell jokes" and depending on your instructor it might just take you further into vulnerability.
Hannah Gadsby's humor relies heavily on vulnerability, IMO. I have a friend who talks about really terrible trauma in her life by making it cuttingly funny, similar to Gadsby. It helps her mask her vulnerability in the moment, to herself - she gets laughs instead of shock or pity. But it's still pretty raw, and we're still shocked and sad - later, when she doesn't have to face it.
Looking back at your relationship with your ex - how did your use of humor in the relationship grow? What sparked it? How did you use it?
A lot of humor is repeating/sharing existing jokes- puns, knock-knock jokes, lightbulb jokes, amusing quotes. Those might be things you could put in your humor journal. Being open to the humor of your friends, recognizing it and appreciating it - is another starting point. I think the more you listen to and make humor, the more your brain begins to develop the habit of seeking out the funny.
Relationships are a big part of how humor works. Shared experiences, prior jokes, shared values. The people who make me laugh the most and hardest are usually relatives - maybe because genetics play in to what we find funny, maybe because of our shared experiences and understanding, maybe because love is part of what makes things funny - I'm less likely to laugh when an enemy makes a joke - when a dear friend makes the same joke, I might belly laugh.
All that said - humor can be a tool for keeping people at bay, but the question of how you'll set boundaries, what you'll reveal and to whom, probably deserves more time and thought. There's a whole world of expressing yourself between raw honesty and jokes.
posted by bunderful at 7:26 AM on August 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
Humor is a broad umbrella - jokes can be smart, silly, cruel, kind - they can reveal vulnerability or mask it. Goofiness can be joyful and child-like; sarcasm can cut to the bone. Improv as I learned it was about being authentic and real in the moment and not seeking out jokes - trying to set up your partner to get the punch line. It's fun and couldn't hurt but improv is not quite the same thing as "how to tell jokes" and depending on your instructor it might just take you further into vulnerability.
Hannah Gadsby's humor relies heavily on vulnerability, IMO. I have a friend who talks about really terrible trauma in her life by making it cuttingly funny, similar to Gadsby. It helps her mask her vulnerability in the moment, to herself - she gets laughs instead of shock or pity. But it's still pretty raw, and we're still shocked and sad - later, when she doesn't have to face it.
Looking back at your relationship with your ex - how did your use of humor in the relationship grow? What sparked it? How did you use it?
A lot of humor is repeating/sharing existing jokes- puns, knock-knock jokes, lightbulb jokes, amusing quotes. Those might be things you could put in your humor journal. Being open to the humor of your friends, recognizing it and appreciating it - is another starting point. I think the more you listen to and make humor, the more your brain begins to develop the habit of seeking out the funny.
Relationships are a big part of how humor works. Shared experiences, prior jokes, shared values. The people who make me laugh the most and hardest are usually relatives - maybe because genetics play in to what we find funny, maybe because of our shared experiences and understanding, maybe because love is part of what makes things funny - I'm less likely to laugh when an enemy makes a joke - when a dear friend makes the same joke, I might belly laugh.
All that said - humor can be a tool for keeping people at bay, but the question of how you'll set boundaries, what you'll reveal and to whom, probably deserves more time and thought. There's a whole world of expressing yourself between raw honesty and jokes.
posted by bunderful at 7:26 AM on August 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
Taking improv class after I turned 40 was the best decision I have ever made. I have made wonderful, close friends, been in classes with amazing, supportive classmates. Learned so many skills I didn't know, laughed my ass off repeatedly, go more comfortable being silly and making small talk, performed on stage! in front of audiences! Made people laugh!
Occasionally you will run into a comedy bro (a white dude in his early 20s who thinks he's the next Seinfeld and is generally a jerk to everyone), but the vast majority of improv people are amazing, and there are so many shy young people in their early 20s coping with social anxiety, moms in their 40s looking for an activity that doesn't involve their kids (that's me!), retired people seeking new hobbies, men in their 30s wanting something creative outside of work, young professionals who want to get better at talking in front of groups.
It's turned out to be an amazingly caring and supportive group of people who are all deadass hilarious. Most of my team doesn't have kids, but I really cannot say enough about how wonderful they've been towards my kids, too. My kids think they all walk on water, and my shows have been amazing safe spaces for my kid with a significant developmental disability, who isn't super-well behaved in theater-type settings. They're improv-ers! They just roll with it!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:57 AM on August 4, 2020 [6 favorites]
Occasionally you will run into a comedy bro (a white dude in his early 20s who thinks he's the next Seinfeld and is generally a jerk to everyone), but the vast majority of improv people are amazing, and there are so many shy young people in their early 20s coping with social anxiety, moms in their 40s looking for an activity that doesn't involve their kids (that's me!), retired people seeking new hobbies, men in their 30s wanting something creative outside of work, young professionals who want to get better at talking in front of groups.
It's turned out to be an amazingly caring and supportive group of people who are all deadass hilarious. Most of my team doesn't have kids, but I really cannot say enough about how wonderful they've been towards my kids, too. My kids think they all walk on water, and my shows have been amazing safe spaces for my kid with a significant developmental disability, who isn't super-well behaved in theater-type settings. They're improv-ers! They just roll with it!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:57 AM on August 4, 2020 [6 favorites]
People have covered other parts of it, so - if part of the issue is not knowing how to / not being able to relax in most social situations, you may have anxiety. If so, medication (or other treatment) can make a world of difference.
posted by bile and syntax at 12:09 PM on August 4, 2020
posted by bile and syntax at 12:09 PM on August 4, 2020
How do I begin to actually use humour in social situations though?
when something funny occurs to you in the course of an interaction, say it out loud.
If your problem is nerves or speed--either you're not sure if other people will find the thing funny vs. offensive or incomprehensible, or you think of it but by the time you can put it into words the right moment has passed--you can work on those things, sure. practice and relaxation are more likely to help than exposure, I think -- there is an artificiality to even the most naturalistic sitcom -- but I guess exposure to those things could give you a better feel for what openings for jokes sound like and how they're exploited. I don't think this is going to make huge changes to your instincts but at the very least it will amuse you.
But if the problem is that nothing funny does occur to you in the course of an interaction, I don't recommend trying to force it as a learned skill. In regular off-stage life, lots of people appear to use humour when what they are actually doing is repeating internet memes, re-using pre-set joke formats, reciting bits they heard at some show, or stealing a line a friend used that got laughs. none of this is funny. people trying to be funny are the worst. making a joke out of how hard they're trying is one of the standard fall-back professional stand-up comedian show-saving bits and that's not funny, either.
If the things you respond to and think are funny are long monologing stand-up bits, Gadsby etc., that's probably the kind of thing that will come to you most naturally in the course of little anecdotes. you can experiment a lot when telling stories, as long as you don't sound rehearsed or stagey. just don't dwell on it, if you say something funny and nobody laughs. if you have a genuine personal sense of humor, not everyone will get it, but the right people will get it.
there's no harm in experimenting but you don't have to be a funny person to be pleasant, to be engaging, to be entertaining. it is always better to be genuinely entertained than to insist on being entertaining. (as you will see, as you begin to be experimentally amusing around people -- it is hard not to love anybody who genuinely laughs, not to be nice but like they mean it.)
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:10 PM on August 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
when something funny occurs to you in the course of an interaction, say it out loud.
If your problem is nerves or speed--either you're not sure if other people will find the thing funny vs. offensive or incomprehensible, or you think of it but by the time you can put it into words the right moment has passed--you can work on those things, sure. practice and relaxation are more likely to help than exposure, I think -- there is an artificiality to even the most naturalistic sitcom -- but I guess exposure to those things could give you a better feel for what openings for jokes sound like and how they're exploited. I don't think this is going to make huge changes to your instincts but at the very least it will amuse you.
But if the problem is that nothing funny does occur to you in the course of an interaction, I don't recommend trying to force it as a learned skill. In regular off-stage life, lots of people appear to use humour when what they are actually doing is repeating internet memes, re-using pre-set joke formats, reciting bits they heard at some show, or stealing a line a friend used that got laughs. none of this is funny. people trying to be funny are the worst. making a joke out of how hard they're trying is one of the standard fall-back professional stand-up comedian show-saving bits and that's not funny, either.
If the things you respond to and think are funny are long monologing stand-up bits, Gadsby etc., that's probably the kind of thing that will come to you most naturally in the course of little anecdotes. you can experiment a lot when telling stories, as long as you don't sound rehearsed or stagey. just don't dwell on it, if you say something funny and nobody laughs. if you have a genuine personal sense of humor, not everyone will get it, but the right people will get it.
there's no harm in experimenting but you don't have to be a funny person to be pleasant, to be engaging, to be entertaining. it is always better to be genuinely entertained than to insist on being entertaining. (as you will see, as you begin to be experimentally amusing around people -- it is hard not to love anybody who genuinely laughs, not to be nice but like they mean it.)
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:10 PM on August 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
I developed a repertoire of amusing turns of phrases and responses from listening to comedians. Dr. Katz is a goldmine. I also read a lot of P.G. Wodehouse, which has really excellent examples of how unusual interpretations of situations or phrases can be hilarious. The bonus is that both of them are old enough that most people will not recognize the source and simply think you are a creative and witty person, and if they do, they will likely appreciate a reference to an obscure bit.
posted by ananci at 7:31 AM on August 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by ananci at 7:31 AM on August 5, 2020 [1 favorite]
I have a silly sense of humour and basically I just let out what's in my head. If something strikes me as absurd or punny or scatologically brilliant, I say this out loud.
I mean, I had my trial and error phase in my twenties, so I know how to keep the lid on offensive stuff and to read the room. But yes,my humour does fall flat sometimes. I don't care, though. Life is better when you delight in the funny things and laughing with others is the best affirming feeling. If a joke fails, I just move on in the conversation.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:07 PM on August 5, 2020
I mean, I had my trial and error phase in my twenties, so I know how to keep the lid on offensive stuff and to read the room. But yes,my humour does fall flat sometimes. I don't care, though. Life is better when you delight in the funny things and laughing with others is the best affirming feeling. If a joke fails, I just move on in the conversation.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:07 PM on August 5, 2020
Hannah Gadsby and other comedians work hard writing material, practicing, fine-tuning, so don't compare yourself to them harshly. Ask people if they've heard any good jokes, laugh at their funny stories. Learn a few jokes, share a funny story. and your friends will reciprocate with laughter.
posted by theora55 at 6:19 AM on August 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 6:19 AM on August 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
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