Pandemic Anxiety, End of Life Affairs, and Moms, oh my
April 13, 2020 7:02 PM Subscribe
I want to make sure that my mother has all of her end-of-life directives, passwords, and wishes in order, but I don't have the emotional bandwidth to be helpful right now. Are there low cost services that I could enlist to guide her through this process?
I'd like to make sure that my mother's affairs are in order so that in the event of her passing, I'm able to sort through all of the logistics easily. She's in the high risk category, and has trouble going through these processes on her own. She'd like me to help her out, but even in the best times I often struggle with my interpersonal relationship with my mother. Right now isn't the best of times for me, and I'd like to investigate hiring a third party to work with my mother on going through all of these affairs in a gentle and patient manner. I'm in North Central Florida if it's helpful. My mother has access to internet, has a computer and a working phone.
I'd like to make sure that my mother's affairs are in order so that in the event of her passing, I'm able to sort through all of the logistics easily. She's in the high risk category, and has trouble going through these processes on her own. She'd like me to help her out, but even in the best times I often struggle with my interpersonal relationship with my mother. Right now isn't the best of times for me, and I'd like to investigate hiring a third party to work with my mother on going through all of these affairs in a gentle and patient manner. I'm in North Central Florida if it's helpful. My mother has access to internet, has a computer and a working phone.
I don’t know if this counts as cheap but Quicken Willmaker runs $90 and I’ve found it thorough and useful.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:33 PM on April 13, 2020
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:33 PM on April 13, 2020
How about a trusted attorney to ask her all the questions and document the passwords, etc. They could write a will too. This is essentially what a lawyer will do to write a will. Ask all the questions in a non-judgmental way without the emotional issues associated with it.
posted by AugustWest at 11:10 PM on April 13, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 11:10 PM on April 13, 2020 [3 favorites]
Get Your Shit Together may be a good starting point for your research. There's a book and a checklist, and I seem to remember provider tie ins...
posted by teststrip at 12:23 AM on April 14, 2020
posted by teststrip at 12:23 AM on April 14, 2020
Given the tendency to "do it tomorrow" and "I'll skip this (essential for other areas) part for now," I will second offering to hire an attorney to guide your parent through the process. No one wants to close the door on a will, funeral arrangements, power of attorney, end-of-life directive, etc. This also means that the information is not stuck in a drawer somewhere.
posted by TrishaU at 12:33 AM on April 14, 2020
posted by TrishaU at 12:33 AM on April 14, 2020
Response by poster: What would be the best way to find a trusted attorney?
posted by ajarbaday at 3:44 AM on April 14, 2020
posted by ajarbaday at 3:44 AM on April 14, 2020
Best answer: I've done this work as an attorney at an elder law clinic, and if there's no complicated money involved, or if there's unlikely to be children who disagree with advance medical directives, I would not recommend starting with a private attorney. For most people, getting their affairs in order has very little need of an attorney. In most states, advance directives, medical powers of attorney and limited financial powers of attorney can be properly accomplished without one. And a personal attorney would be expensive for the process. The rest of it (passwords, funerary preferences) is generally not part of the estate process with an attorney (other than a "here's a list of other things to think about").
If there is an elder law clinic near her that's doing phone consults, they could help. Or a senior social center also has resources. Right now, it's probably difficult for them to work one on one with people, however, but I know the ones near me are trying. If you do want to just hand the whole thing over to an attorney, a local senior center or local elder law clinic should be able to refer you. If your mother does access help at law clinic, and you can afford it, it's nice to make a donation (even if there is a sliding scale fee).
Some states have self-directed help online for basic legal forms like this (powers of attorney and health care directives are state specific). IllinoisLegalAid.org is the only one I am personally familiar with enough to recommend, if your mom happens to be in Illinois. You want one that is a legal aid clinic, preferably a legal services corporation-funded legal aid organization, not a commercial forms service.
Lantern.co is also a good place to start for a completely self-directed process.
One thing that you can and should do now is call a few funeral homes and ask them about costs, services, and any other questions you have. They'll be very happy to talk to you (and if they're not, you can cross them off your list). I recently had to find a funeral home following an unexpected death and it was really hard emotionally. Also, the price ranges were huge for a simple cremation
We knew we wanted cremation and were adamant there be no embalming. His partner wanted direct cremation (no viewing) but his mom wanted a viewing and it took some talking, several phone calls. and a number of flat-out refusals before we could find a funeral home able to accommodate a non-embalmed viewing under the circumstance. You do not want to be doing this while you are dealing with your immediate grief.
posted by crush at 6:59 AM on April 14, 2020 [3 favorites]
If there is an elder law clinic near her that's doing phone consults, they could help. Or a senior social center also has resources. Right now, it's probably difficult for them to work one on one with people, however, but I know the ones near me are trying. If you do want to just hand the whole thing over to an attorney, a local senior center or local elder law clinic should be able to refer you. If your mother does access help at law clinic, and you can afford it, it's nice to make a donation (even if there is a sliding scale fee).
Some states have self-directed help online for basic legal forms like this (powers of attorney and health care directives are state specific). IllinoisLegalAid.org is the only one I am personally familiar with enough to recommend, if your mom happens to be in Illinois. You want one that is a legal aid clinic, preferably a legal services corporation-funded legal aid organization, not a commercial forms service.
Lantern.co is also a good place to start for a completely self-directed process.
One thing that you can and should do now is call a few funeral homes and ask them about costs, services, and any other questions you have. They'll be very happy to talk to you (and if they're not, you can cross them off your list). I recently had to find a funeral home following an unexpected death and it was really hard emotionally. Also, the price ranges were huge for a simple cremation
We knew we wanted cremation and were adamant there be no embalming. His partner wanted direct cremation (no viewing) but his mom wanted a viewing and it took some talking, several phone calls. and a number of flat-out refusals before we could find a funeral home able to accommodate a non-embalmed viewing under the circumstance. You do not want to be doing this while you are dealing with your immediate grief.
posted by crush at 6:59 AM on April 14, 2020 [3 favorites]
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posted by yclipse at 7:29 PM on April 13, 2020