How do I stop assuming the worst of people?
April 7, 2020 9:47 AM Subscribe
How do I stop assuming the worst of people that I know? I will often conclude that they don't like me anymore or that they are not going to do things they said they'd do or other things along those lines, despite plenty of evidence to the contrary. I can tell it's not productive for me and not fair to them, and yet I persist.
Very first step, I'd say trying to explore why you think that way might be helpful. Did something happen to make you think this way? Someone ghosted you, or didn't keep a promise?
posted by kevinbelt at 10:30 AM on April 7, 2020
posted by kevinbelt at 10:30 AM on April 7, 2020
Give people the benefit of the doubt. Remember that most people are mostly occupied with their own concerns, most of the time. Look for alternative explanations to “they have a problem with me” unless they’ve given you a *really good* and obvious reason to go to that.
And be forgiving, people screw up in all kinds of ways without malice being the #1 reason.
Say someone didn’t message you back, it is *probably* because they were busy at the time they read the message, meant to get back to it when they had a moment to give their reply the better part of their concentration. But something else that’s immediate grabbed their attention. Suddenly, an uncomfortable amount of time has passed and they feel guilty, and that’s overwhelming on top of whatever new stuff is right in front of them, so, they don’t reply. More than likely they intended to get back to you and think fondly of you, but now it’s all fucked up. So there you both are, in silence. This happens (I do this!), *often*.
Basically, put yourself in other people’s shoes (and assume they’re mostly interested in themselves, not in dissing you). Are they a new mom? Newly unemployed? What might they be dealing with? Even if you think they should be able to handle X, because maybe you would, people are different, we have different levels of social-emotional and time management skills.
Tl;dr cut people a TON of slack.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:41 AM on April 7, 2020 [6 favorites]
And be forgiving, people screw up in all kinds of ways without malice being the #1 reason.
Say someone didn’t message you back, it is *probably* because they were busy at the time they read the message, meant to get back to it when they had a moment to give their reply the better part of their concentration. But something else that’s immediate grabbed their attention. Suddenly, an uncomfortable amount of time has passed and they feel guilty, and that’s overwhelming on top of whatever new stuff is right in front of them, so, they don’t reply. More than likely they intended to get back to you and think fondly of you, but now it’s all fucked up. So there you both are, in silence. This happens (I do this!), *often*.
Basically, put yourself in other people’s shoes (and assume they’re mostly interested in themselves, not in dissing you). Are they a new mom? Newly unemployed? What might they be dealing with? Even if you think they should be able to handle X, because maybe you would, people are different, we have different levels of social-emotional and time management skills.
Tl;dr cut people a TON of slack.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:41 AM on April 7, 2020 [6 favorites]
Most importantly, cut yourself some slack. I've found that the most important requirement for a continued ability to trust/believe in people is not beating myself up about those case where that trust/faith turns out to be misplaced.
People might not necessarily set out to betray you, but they make promises they can't keep because they don't know themselves well enough , and that's just how it is sometimes. You were not a fool for taking them at their word. You took a calculated risk, and sometimes risks don't pay off; that's just the cost of doing business/building relationshps.
posted by sohalt at 3:26 PM on April 7, 2020 [1 favorite]
People might not necessarily set out to betray you, but they make promises they can't keep because they don't know themselves well enough , and that's just how it is sometimes. You were not a fool for taking them at their word. You took a calculated risk, and sometimes risks don't pay off; that's just the cost of doing business/building relationshps.
posted by sohalt at 3:26 PM on April 7, 2020 [1 favorite]
You’re not expecting the worst of them, you’re expecting them to reject the worst of you. This isn’t an uncommon feeling to have. I hate to be an AskMe cliche, but this would be a good candidate for therapy.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:32 PM on April 7, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:32 PM on April 7, 2020 [1 favorite]
Perhaps listen to those that tell you the opposite to what's in your head.
( DISCLAIMER: I have met you and I think you're bloody awesome.)
posted by taff at 9:33 PM on April 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
( DISCLAIMER: I have met you and I think you're bloody awesome.)
posted by taff at 9:33 PM on April 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
I can tell it's not productive for me and not fair to them, and yet I persist.
When I'm doing something that seems counterproductive or not right like this, it's usually not completely irrational. Like, on some level these beliefs are functional for me, even if they are functional in a messed-up way, or a way that has become irrelevant. With something like this, you may have felt in the past that you needed to anticipate people letting you down a certain percentage of the time. Sometimes people give you good reason to think so!
Now, it turns out that this belief doesn't help those relationships and doesn't even protect you from the occasional fuckup. So you may want to give it up. But that doesn't mean you are not giving something up that was valuable to you in some way. Ultimately I think telling yourself you are doing something for no good reason is telling yourself that you are feckless or irrational or something else that ultimately makes it even harder to give the thing up, even when it actually makes sense to.
So what does this belief do for you? Are you prepared to give all of that up or, for those parts you do not want to give up, can you get them somewhere else?
posted by BibiRose at 4:44 AM on April 8, 2020 [2 favorites]
When I'm doing something that seems counterproductive or not right like this, it's usually not completely irrational. Like, on some level these beliefs are functional for me, even if they are functional in a messed-up way, or a way that has become irrelevant. With something like this, you may have felt in the past that you needed to anticipate people letting you down a certain percentage of the time. Sometimes people give you good reason to think so!
Now, it turns out that this belief doesn't help those relationships and doesn't even protect you from the occasional fuckup. So you may want to give it up. But that doesn't mean you are not giving something up that was valuable to you in some way. Ultimately I think telling yourself you are doing something for no good reason is telling yourself that you are feckless or irrational or something else that ultimately makes it even harder to give the thing up, even when it actually makes sense to.
So what does this belief do for you? Are you prepared to give all of that up or, for those parts you do not want to give up, can you get them somewhere else?
posted by BibiRose at 4:44 AM on April 8, 2020 [2 favorites]
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But as a first pass, social anxiety (and light-medium social/interpersonal trauma, which we all have at least a touch of) does this as a way of giving you a "good" excuse to not really engage. And it becomes a habit, a crutch, and just like any other anxiety-type functional mechanism (procrastination, harmful self-stimulation, self-medication) you will have to strengthen the muscles that help you do Not That Thing in order to get better at not doing the thing.
I often recommend people try a basic workbook like The Anxiety And Phobia Workbook as a sort of CBT 101. It might be enough to get you on a self-guided path to improving your outcomes with these things, or you may decide to work with a therapist and can take the workbook exercises with you as a introductory set of notes.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:11 AM on April 7, 2020 [6 favorites]