Gen X ex-wife nudes. What do I do with them?

March 27, 2020 7:23 AM

I just found a dozen nude polaroids of my ex-wife taken in the early 90's. We were together almost thirty years before our divorce last year and we are not on speaking terms right now. I don't know what to do with them. They are a record of her youth that doesn't exist anywhere else, so destroying them feels like taking something from her. If she remembers them, she might want them or want proof they are destroyed. If I sent them to her, she might see it as a hostile act and how do I prove I didn't keep any. Right now, they are back in a box in the basement, and I guess that is my third option. Just do nothing.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (31 answers total)

Can you put them back in the box and wait a few years to see if you get to be on speaking terms? Right now she doesn't know that you have them, so there's no pressure to make a decision immediately. Three years from now maybe the frost will have melted and you can say "hey, I found these in the basement on the weekend, thought you might want them ..."
posted by mccxxiii at 7:29 AM on March 27, 2020 [47 favorites]

I think option 3 is the right option right now, and that you're correct in your assessment of the merits of options 1 and 2. You might be on better terms in a few years and then you can bring them up and see what she wants to do with them at that stage. I think you're right that destroying them unilaterally is not your place, and sending them to her at this time is not appropriate.
posted by ClaireBear at 7:32 AM on March 27, 2020 [8 favorites]

Make sure to wrap them up in paper like a present (to prevent accidental opening by someone), and attach to the package a memo with her full name, your reasoning above, and her last know address/Facebook account/usernames, and instructions requesting that they not be looked at and that they be sent to her in the case of your untimely death (if goodness forbid you die before communicating with her and being able to send them to her yourself). Just in case.

You're doing a good thing with trying to ethically deal with this.
posted by wires at 7:34 AM on March 27, 2020 [54 favorites]

Yeah, your best bet is to just keep them for now, and if she asks for them, give them to her. If she doesn't ask, just leave them there, even if things never improve to where you could ask her if she wants them or not. They'll keep.
posted by Crystal Fox at 7:35 AM on March 27, 2020 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't want to hang onto the photos personally - they'd weigh in my mind as an unresolved liability.

Given your recent divorce, this seems like something your divorce lawyers can and should handle. Tell your lawyer you have personal effects to return to your ex-wife without any details. Her and your lawyer will coordinate the details, even if you don't even know where your ex-wife is right now.
posted by saeculorum at 7:37 AM on March 27, 2020 [83 favorites]

Is there anything else of hers lying around that you could use to kind of "round out" a shipment? A dozen nudes on their own might be taken as a hostile (or odd) delivery. But as a small part of a larger box, it might seem more neutral.
posted by cranberrymonger at 7:56 AM on March 27, 2020 [30 favorites]

I’m with cranberrymonger on the “rounding out” idea, then handing the box to the lawyer to hand off to hers. Maybe put them in a nondescript manilla envelope or something, labelled “private—-personal documents” so her attorney doesn’t accidentally view them.

My reasoning for passing them along now: you may be in an entirely wonderful new relationship in three years! These photos may very reasonably be something you’ve forgotten about. New partner finding them unexpectedly could cause all kinds of unhappy and drama. I think future you would advise sending them.
posted by Nancy_LockIsLit_Palmer at 8:38 AM on March 27, 2020 [10 favorites]

I think people are overthinking this. Put them in an envelope marked “personal”, along with a note explaining what you said here, and then mail them to her. Then put them out of your mind and get on with your life.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:45 AM on March 27, 2020 [5 favorites]

Consider that "being a steward of the records of her lost youth" might not really be your job right now.

I mean, it might be. Exes play all kinds of roles in each other's lives. But consider the possibility that it might not be anymore, since your role in her life has certainly changed to something a lot more prosaic — and that chucking them the way you'd chuck nudes of a random prosaic acquaintance might be the right thing to do, for your own sake as much as hers.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:47 AM on March 27, 2020 [11 favorites]

Destroy them.
posted by Max Power at 8:49 AM on March 27, 2020 [11 favorites]

You should return them to her immediately.
posted by srboisvert at 8:53 AM on March 27, 2020 [4 favorites]

I would not hold onto them. If they are lost or stolen and end up online, that would be terrible. Also having these personal items might make it harder for you to move on with your life.

I'd tell her that you have some pictures and want to either return or destroy them. Communicate through your lawyers if you can't or don't want to talk to her directly.
posted by bright flowers at 9:26 AM on March 27, 2020 [5 favorites]

If you aren't sure what to do about something and there's no pressing reason to take action, doing nothing is always the best option.
posted by something something at 9:26 AM on March 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

Seems to me the least risky solution would be to carefully destroy them, and then never mention their existence again. Nobody gets irritated with anybody and potential future inconveniences are disposed of. Like they never existed in the first place.

The "record of lost youth" angle, to be honest, sounds like a bit of projection on your part and you might want to examine it before basing any decisions on it.
posted by aramaic at 9:40 AM on March 27, 2020 [19 favorites]

I think being willing to wait indefinitely to let things cool down would be sufficient evidence that you're not unconsciously being driven by a darker/creepier motive.

When I had a friend breakup, I didn't even want to throw out pictures of her deceased cat without giving her the chance to have them.

Do people actually throw even random nudes in the trash, where anyone could pick them up??? Please let us know who you are as a public service.
posted by praemunire at 10:53 AM on March 27, 2020 [1 favorite]

People have very different levels of sentimentality and that's being reflected in the "destroy them" vs "wait/send them" advice--people are projecting their perspectives onto the ex-wife. I grew up in a family of people attached to the past and throwing out an irreplaceable photograph is almost unthinkable to me and to them. I wouldn't destroy them because she might be of that ilk.
posted by needs more cowbell at 10:56 AM on March 27, 2020 [5 favorites]

Can you give them to your divorce lawyer to give to her divorce lawyer? Ideally rounded out in a pile of boring paperwork? I'm the sort of GenX woman who would want them back, but I would also like the process to be as bureaucratic as humanly possible.
posted by selfmedicating at 11:15 AM on March 27, 2020 [4 favorites]

Absolutely destroy them. If she hasn’t missed them yet she can’t be that attached to them.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:18 AM on March 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

(I mean, that's not true. First off, they aren't talking. Also, she might assume they were lost, she might want them but not want to bring them up in an already-difficult situation, etc. etc. I'm at least a few ticks onto the "destroy them" side of the dial, but I don't think her silence on the subject is evidence either way.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:21 AM on March 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

Despite your own personal preferences and the drama and pain of divorce, after living with 30 years with someone, you probably should know exactly what they would want you do with the pictures.

Do that.
posted by Xurando at 12:14 PM on March 27, 2020 [6 favorites]

Please do not destroy them. Those pictures of her to belong to her if you don't want them (assuming you're the photographer), and if she wants them destroyed, they should be in her hands. I'm not your wife, but I don't see offering them as a hostile act in any way.

I would be thrilled to find old pictures of my body. If you can't ask her directly, talk to the lawyer.
posted by sageleaf at 12:39 PM on March 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

Okay, I was in a similar situation after my divorce back in the 90’s. I had a nice big, personally cleansing bonfire and got rid of the pictures along with a lot of other stuff. It felt great at the time, but then my ex-wife came asking for the photos. I never was able to convince her they were all destroyed, and boy did that cause me a lot of headaches. Seal them up in an envelope, and either return them or put them away.
posted by fimbulvetr at 12:52 PM on March 27, 2020 [9 favorites]

If I was your ex I would want them back. Seal them in an envelope and let your lawyers handle the transfer. If you don't have lawyers, seal them in two envelopes with a note inside the first envelope indicating that the contents are sensitive. Post it with tracking/signature on receipt.
posted by eloeth-starr at 1:07 PM on March 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

If your wife didn’t want this photographic record why would she have kept them, she’s had thirty years to destroy them after all! By destroying them yourself, you’re making a decision for her that can’t be undone and if you’re not on speaking terms, this will do nothing to make things better if/when she finds out. My vote is to round out the box with other possessions and send it out as a job lot with a very neutral note about having found some of her stuff that you thought she should have back. Or send it through the lawyers.
posted by Jubey at 2:13 PM on March 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

If she wants to destroy them, that's her call. Please don't make that decision for her just to avoid awkwardness.

Send them via her divorce lawyer, just calling them "confidential documents and personal effects." (I'm suggesting that combination of terms specifically to communicate that it's something she should actually accept and also open herself.)

Include a note saying that you are returning them simply because they belong to her. Don't add any speculative rationale about how she might feel about them.
posted by desuetude at 2:27 PM on March 27, 2020 [2 favorites]

(Sealed envelope within another envelope is a good call, too.)
posted by desuetude at 2:28 PM on March 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

Please don’t send them rounded out with a pile of boring paperwork unless you make it VERY clear that there is something else in there. I would never know what was in there lose that shit and then be sad it was gone and worried where it had went.

Do not destroy them (unless you are as close to 100% possible that’s what she would want, which, you asked this question, so no). Send them to her through lawyers if possible, making it clear that they are personal and confidential.

I’m tempted to ask the lawyer what to do but would they tell you to destroy them? I don’t know. Can you sign something saying they are the only copy you have? Maybe a lawyer would advise against this or maybe it would make it more confrontational? Not really sure here just giving a few ideas.

I’ve been in a similar situation and I was very happy to have them back.
posted by sillysally at 4:41 PM on March 27, 2020 [1 favorite]

All good arguments here, but I'm on team "mail them back through the lawyers."

That's actually the least intervention possible. If she wants them destroyed, she can destroy them.

As long as you are sitting with them, you have the advantage of being in a position of power over sensitive material. You probably should not be holding that power in this scenario. Consider that. Get them back to their rightful owner, and you free yourself of that power and both parties can move on.
posted by Miko at 4:47 PM on March 27, 2020 [2 favorites]

If I were her, I'd want them back. I am forever searching for records of myself and where I lived from before smartphones and digital cameras were omnipresent, and even if it was awkward or uncomfortable, I would be glad to receive something like this. Maybe I'm naive, but as long as it wasn't a truly horrible split involving abuse or crimes, I would probably trust a letter that said "I found these in a box and thought you'd want them back, promise this is everything I found and I didn't keep any on purpose." (If it was, I might ask my lawyer to get a signed statement to that effect.)
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 4:51 PM on March 27, 2020 [5 favorites]

I'd send them back thru lawyers. But I'd use two envelopes. On the outer I'd mark up with private-confidential etc. I'd seal the photos in the inner and then write a brief description on the outside of the inner envelope. Some people are going to be bothered by the representation of themselves and this way the contents aren't a visual surprise. Also there is the risk that your ex opens the outer envelope in the presence of other people (lawyer or current SO) expecting it to be some sort of paperwork, the inner envelope would protect their privacy in that case.

You might also want to use some heavy card stock (like from a cereal box) to sandwich the photos in the inner envelope. It will disguise the shape (confidential Polaroids are pretty much going to be assumed to be one thing and the shape is pretty distinctive) and it will help prevent damage while discouraging folding/spindling.
posted by Mitheral at 7:29 PM on March 27, 2020 [2 favorites]

I'm not your ex, and she may be a totally different kind of person from me, but I know I would want them back ASAP. And I wouldn't want third parties like the lawyers involved, even if I hated your guts.

You could just include a brief note along the lines of, "I found some of your personal photos and though you would prefer to have them back," and put them in the mail (recs above for envelope-inside-an-envelooe are good).
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:49 PM on March 27, 2020